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The Grand Ballast
In a future where live sex shows abound to keep a jaded population entertained, dancer Bode Martin falls for the brilliant and unstable Kilroy Ballast, who molds Bode into the star attraction of his erotic circus, the Grand Ballast. Drugged beyond any real feeling, Bode trades freedom and his once considerable pride for an illusion of tenderness—until he inadvertently rescues a young man from a rival show, and together they flee to an eccentric town in the west where love still means something.
Valen’s not an easy man to know, and Bode shed his romantic notions under Kilroy’s brutal employ. Yet their growing bond becomes a strange and dangerous salvation as they attempt to overthrow the shadows of their pasts and wade together through a world of regret, uncertainty, beauty, and terror.
But Kilroy won't let Bode go so easily. Long ago, Bode was responsible for the loss of something Kilroy held dear, and he still owes Kilroy a debt. As the three men battle toward a tangled destiny, Bode must decide if his love for Valen is worth fighting for—or if he was and always will be a pawn in the story Kilroy Ballast will never stop telling.
WARNING: Contains violence and noncon. Not a genre romance.
Valen’s not an easy man to know, and Bode shed his romantic notions under Kilroy’s brutal employ. Yet their growing bond becomes a strange and dangerous salvation as they attempt to overthrow the shadows of their pasts and wade together through a world of regret, uncertainty, beauty, and terror.
But Kilroy won't let Bode go so easily. Long ago, Bode was responsible for the loss of something Kilroy held dear, and he still owes Kilroy a debt. As the three men battle toward a tangled destiny, Bode must decide if his love for Valen is worth fighting for—or if he was and always will be a pawn in the story Kilroy Ballast will never stop telling.
WARNING: Contains violence and noncon. Not a genre romance.
305 pages, Kindle Edition
First published June 27, 2015
9 people are currently reading
459 people want to read
About the author
J.A. Rock
52 books561 followersJ.A. Rock is the author or coauthor of over twenty LGBTQ romance, suspense, and horror novels, as well as an occasional contributor to HuffPo Queer Voices. J.A. has received Lambda Literary and INDIEFAB Award nominations for MINOTAUR, and THE SUBS CLUB received the 2016 National Leather Association-International Pauline Reage Novel Award. J.A. lives in Chicago with an extremely judgmental dog, Professor Anne Studebaker.
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Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews
September 18, 2015
Let me just expound on that last line of the description. No, it's not a "romance" but it is about love and all its permutations. What does it look like? Feel like? Do we know it when we have it? What do we do with it? Where does it go when it's gone?
No, it's not a romance but it is brutally romantic in its honesty about the nebulousness of love and Bode's ironic journey to discover what it means to him.
The non-con and violence warnings... I really want to say just disregard them because life can be a fucked up mess and we live through those atrocities daily. If we can live through a man being burned alive for some misbegotten religious fervency then this book is a walk in the park, comparatively speaking. Yes, those elements are present, but most are not explicit or drawn out.
But, I will caution those prone to depression and/or suicide please exercise caution. This book is very gritty and emotional while being both weighty and transcendent.
It made me ugly cry. If you know me, you know how significant that statement is. I would encourage all those considering this to know your limitations and read other reviews.
If I had to choose one word to describe my reading experience it would be discomfiting.
I was intensely, severely discomfited virtually from word one. It wasn't the events themselves per se that made me so uneasy, but the social commentary and the possibility that this future world J.A. has envisioned could actually come to be. I hope I'm long, long gone if it ever does, but if not, then please PLEASE let me be part of Harkville. Because crossdressing.
The Grand Ballast is a stirring and sometimes surreal fun-house that left me wrung out emotionally and raw. The Grand Ballast is a traveling X-show in a futuristic vision of America set in the "Age of Ennui" after we've lost all interest in social media and visionary ideas. We've become indifferent toward... everything. Brains reduced to only the Id component of the psyche. People are only interested in being shocked by debasing and/or acrobatic sex between any number of people all while they eat their hot dogs and popcorn. If one of those stars is beaten during the show with "the ring stick" for resisting or lacking enthusiasm, so much the better.
The dichotomy of it all was what I found most disturbing . The image of innumerable bored drones sitting in a big top tent eating cotton candy while Bode is gang banged with two or more cocks stuffed into his orifices and cheering only when something is outrageous enough to garner their interest is beyond absurd. When he doesn't "perform" they've no qualms about throwing their carnival food at him while he's cuffed and helpless on a cross, but they get upset when Kilroy backhands him after he saves Valen? Completely nonsensical.
That people could become so devoid of humanity, so disinterested in life, that the concept of compassion could become so warped sickened me. The prose that was used to illustrate this indifference is in equal measures amazing and horrifying with Bode being the shining star even at the darkest times. He somehow manages to retain a purity, an innocence that resonated with me. As much as he believes himself to be broken and tainted he really is guileless.
Bode is a complex character. I'm not sure I've ever read one more complex than him. In the simplest terms, he is a dancer who wants to change the world. He wants to be seen, really seen. He wants to distance himself from his parents and their dull monotony. ,i>His dreams are bigger, greater. He is special and he's going to break the mold. But what he wants most of all is someone to love him, and for that person to encompass all of his deepest desires.
It can't be love
For there is no true love
You said the union forever
You said the union forever
You cried the union forever
But that was untrue
Cause it can't be love
For there is no true love
~The White Stripes
He wants it so badly he creates it with smoke and mirrors and clings to it even though it's a mirage. Kilroy Ballast is that mirage and someone I'd dearly love to case study. He's another complex character. He's the manipulative, calculating, brilliant sociopathic ring leader of The Grand Ballast and Bode's lover. Their relationship is abusive and obsessive and told through Bode's flashbacks. It was easily the most difficult aspect of this book for me personally.
I found myself pleading with Bode not to go back to him, to get as far away from him as possible. Just run and don't look back! The notion that Bode is subjected to all this pain and torment because he made one mistake, the mistake of loving a monster who simply isn't capable of fulfilling his needs? Bode who initially couldn't even bring himself to curse? Bode who is a dreamer? Bode who personifies innocence? Bode who subjects himself to the whims of a madman in some misguided attempt at restitution for a crime he didn't commit?
The injustice of it gutted me.
And yet, oddly, I felt sorry for Kilroy more than anything else. He completely deserves what he ultimately gets. He had the devotion, loyalty and love of someone so pure and couldn't recognize it for the gift it was and didn't know what to do with it. So he tried to crush it instead and that made me pity him. But out of those ashes Bode rose to try again with Valen.
BLOG ONLY PIC. TOO SENSITIVE FOR GR EYES.
Valen, The Boy of the Water, who's no boy at all but a man who's so confused, brainwashed, tired and disillusioned with life that he's volunteered to be the star of a snuff act in another X-show when he and Bode first meet. Their relationship is laborious which is what ultimately makes it so sturdy. They do not pull punches with one another. They've both lost something of themselves, both struggle with PTSD, but neither have completely lost hope. They enrich one another. They compromise. They have an "ordinary magic" that brought me to ugly tears.
The irony of Bode's journey given its origins was unquestionably my favorite part and exquisitely executed by J.A.. The world building is a true melting pot that is rich and vibrant. The secondary characters are distinctive, bizarre and compelling. The Grand Ballast is an artistic achievement that supersedes its genre. If I could give this all the stars and hearts and flowers, I would. Because it was that good. I was impressed by Take the Long Way Home, but The Grand Ballast exceeded my expectations in every way. Hopefully, she'll be recognized for this achievement in a more tangible way than my gushing, but I do want to thank you, J.A., for writing this.
A review copy was provided by the author in exchange for an honest review.
No, it's not a romance but it is brutally romantic in its honesty about the nebulousness of love and Bode's ironic journey to discover what it means to him.
The non-con and violence warnings... I really want to say just disregard them because life can be a fucked up mess and we live through those atrocities daily. If we can live through a man being burned alive for some misbegotten religious fervency then this book is a walk in the park, comparatively speaking. Yes, those elements are present, but most are not explicit or drawn out.
But, I will caution those prone to depression and/or suicide please exercise caution. This book is very gritty and emotional while being both weighty and transcendent.
It made me ugly cry. If you know me, you know how significant that statement is. I would encourage all those considering this to know your limitations and read other reviews.
People had grown bored with everything but violence and sex.
If I had to choose one word to describe my reading experience it would be discomfiting.
I was intensely, severely discomfited virtually from word one. It wasn't the events themselves per se that made me so uneasy, but the social commentary and the possibility that this future world J.A. has envisioned could actually come to be. I hope I'm long, long gone if it ever does, but if not, then please PLEASE let me be part of Harkville. Because crossdressing.
The Grand Ballast is a stirring and sometimes surreal fun-house that left me wrung out emotionally and raw. The Grand Ballast is a traveling X-show in a futuristic vision of America set in the "Age of Ennui" after we've lost all interest in social media and visionary ideas. We've become indifferent toward... everything. Brains reduced to only the Id component of the psyche. People are only interested in being shocked by debasing and/or acrobatic sex between any number of people all while they eat their hot dogs and popcorn. If one of those stars is beaten during the show with "the ring stick" for resisting or lacking enthusiasm, so much the better.
The dichotomy of it all was what I found most disturbing . The image of innumerable bored drones sitting in a big top tent eating cotton candy while Bode is gang banged with two or more cocks stuffed into his orifices and cheering only when something is outrageous enough to garner their interest is beyond absurd. When he doesn't "perform" they've no qualms about throwing their carnival food at him while he's cuffed and helpless on a cross, but they get upset when Kilroy backhands him after he saves Valen? Completely nonsensical.
That people could become so devoid of humanity, so disinterested in life, that the concept of compassion could become so warped sickened me. The prose that was used to illustrate this indifference is in equal measures amazing and horrifying with Bode being the shining star even at the darkest times. He somehow manages to retain a purity, an innocence that resonated with me. As much as he believes himself to be broken and tainted he really is guileless.
Bode is a complex character. I'm not sure I've ever read one more complex than him. In the simplest terms, he is a dancer who wants to change the world. He wants to be seen, really seen. He wants to distance himself from his parents and their dull monotony. ,i>His dreams are bigger, greater. He is special and he's going to break the mold. But what he wants most of all is someone to love him, and for that person to encompass all of his deepest desires.
It can't be love
For there is no true love
You said the union forever
You said the union forever
You cried the union forever
But that was untrue
Cause it can't be love
For there is no true love
~The White Stripes
He wants it so badly he creates it with smoke and mirrors and clings to it even though it's a mirage. Kilroy Ballast is that mirage and someone I'd dearly love to case study. He's another complex character. He's the manipulative, calculating, brilliant sociopathic ring leader of The Grand Ballast and Bode's lover. Their relationship is abusive and obsessive and told through Bode's flashbacks. It was easily the most difficult aspect of this book for me personally.
I found myself pleading with Bode not to go back to him, to get as far away from him as possible. Just run and don't look back! The notion that Bode is subjected to all this pain and torment because he made one mistake, the mistake of loving a monster who simply isn't capable of fulfilling his needs? Bode who initially couldn't even bring himself to curse? Bode who is a dreamer? Bode who personifies innocence? Bode who subjects himself to the whims of a madman in some misguided attempt at restitution for a crime he didn't commit?
The injustice of it gutted me.
And yet, oddly, I felt sorry for Kilroy more than anything else. He completely deserves what he ultimately gets. He had the devotion, loyalty and love of someone so pure and couldn't recognize it for the gift it was and didn't know what to do with it. So he tried to crush it instead and that made me pity him. But out of those ashes Bode rose to try again with Valen.
BLOG ONLY PIC. TOO SENSITIVE FOR GR EYES.
Valen, The Boy of the Water, who's no boy at all but a man who's so confused, brainwashed, tired and disillusioned with life that he's volunteered to be the star of a snuff act in another X-show when he and Bode first meet. Their relationship is laborious which is what ultimately makes it so sturdy. They do not pull punches with one another. They've both lost something of themselves, both struggle with PTSD, but neither have completely lost hope. They enrich one another. They compromise. They have an "ordinary magic" that brought me to ugly tears.
Maybe we are all here for the simplest reasons.
The irony of Bode's journey given its origins was unquestionably my favorite part and exquisitely executed by J.A.. The world building is a true melting pot that is rich and vibrant. The secondary characters are distinctive, bizarre and compelling. The Grand Ballast is an artistic achievement that supersedes its genre. If I could give this all the stars and hearts and flowers, I would. Because it was that good. I was impressed by Take the Long Way Home, but The Grand Ballast exceeded my expectations in every way. Hopefully, she'll be recognized for this achievement in a more tangible way than my gushing, but I do want to thank you, J.A., for writing this.
A review copy was provided by the author in exchange for an honest review.
Read
June 17, 2015I'm not rating it because I write with JA, and I also beta read this, but if I had to give it stars I would give it ALL THE STARS.
It's wonderful, and creepy, and awful, and beautiful and grotesque. It's a dreamscape, or a nightmare.
The world building is fantastic, and the imagery is the sort of stuff that you can still see after you close your eyes.
It's unlike anything I've read before in this genre, and I loved it.
It's wonderful, and creepy, and awful, and beautiful and grotesque. It's a dreamscape, or a nightmare.
The world building is fantastic, and the imagery is the sort of stuff that you can still see after you close your eyes.
It's unlike anything I've read before in this genre, and I loved it.
September 1, 2015
What is The Grand Ballast about?
I guess it's about love, happiness, meaning, right, wrong, beauty, obsession, passion. Art. But I'm not ready to describe how and who and what, which is just as well because I don't think my description would do justice to how brilliantly The Grand Ballast fucks with your expectations.
Mostly, this book is about you. It questions the things that you think are important and builds a monument for your most shameful secrets.
(and if you create things or believe in big dreams, or god forbid, are an artist, oh honey...)
Or, maybe it's a book about me. For a moment, I felt like I met someone who knows me better than I know myself, someone who had my back. But only to make it easier to stab me in the back. Then I just felt stupid.
The Grand Ballast finds the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, lets you hold it for a day, and then rips it apart. Then puts it back together, but all wrong. Or right. Or more like, sorry, right and wrong cannot be reached at this moment because The Grand Ballast sent them off to the woods with a shovel and two dapper gentlemen in rain coats.
You think that you can get ready for this book: you can stomach non-con, mutilation, filth, abuse, exploitation, betrayal, torture. Nothing can prepare you for what this book will do to you. All the ugliness, the decadence and filth, the filth warrants repetition because the filth is all-present. Nothing can prepare you for the inexplicable things that will be done to your hope.
So just ignore the filth and ugliness. The worst thing, yes, the WORST, is the absolute fucking beauty and brilliance that hides underneath.
And this isn't my final review. I just wanted to put something out there so everyone who sees this knows that The Grand Ballast is amazing and you should read it. Please. And if you need moral support afterwards, I'm here, with my internal screaming, no comfort whatsoever, and please can someone just read me a story about pretty horses and shadow puppets and saving the world and they lived happily ever after in the place above the sky?
I bet you think I just spoiled the ending.
And you probably think you can imagine what kind of mental torture to expect. No, it's not what you expect.
And if you feel like discussing the book afterwards, we made a thing for that:
The discussion thread.
I guess it's about love, happiness, meaning, right, wrong, beauty, obsession, passion. Art. But I'm not ready to describe how and who and what, which is just as well because I don't think my description would do justice to how brilliantly The Grand Ballast fucks with your expectations.
Mostly, this book is about you. It questions the things that you think are important and builds a monument for your most shameful secrets.
(and if you create things or believe in big dreams, or god forbid, are an artist, oh honey...)
Or, maybe it's a book about me. For a moment, I felt like I met someone who knows me better than I know myself, someone who had my back. But only to make it easier to stab me in the back. Then I just felt stupid.
The Grand Ballast finds the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, lets you hold it for a day, and then rips it apart. Then puts it back together, but all wrong. Or right. Or more like, sorry, right and wrong cannot be reached at this moment because The Grand Ballast sent them off to the woods with a shovel and two dapper gentlemen in rain coats.
You think that you can get ready for this book: you can stomach non-con, mutilation, filth, abuse, exploitation, betrayal, torture. Nothing can prepare you for what this book will do to you. All the ugliness, the decadence and filth, the filth warrants repetition because the filth is all-present. Nothing can prepare you for the inexplicable things that will be done to your hope.
So just ignore the filth and ugliness. The worst thing, yes, the WORST, is the absolute fucking beauty and brilliance that hides underneath.
And this isn't my final review. I just wanted to put something out there so everyone who sees this knows that The Grand Ballast is amazing and you should read it. Please. And if you need moral support afterwards, I'm here, with my internal screaming, no comfort whatsoever, and please can someone just read me a story about pretty horses and shadow puppets and saving the world and they lived happily ever after in the place above the sky?
I bet you think I just spoiled the ending.
And you probably think you can imagine what kind of mental torture to expect. No, it's not what you expect.
And if you feel like discussing the book afterwards, we made a thing for that:
The discussion thread.
June 29, 2015
Roll up! Roll up! Enter the darkly disturbing, sinister world of The Grand Ballast and take your seats for a most unsettling ride!
OMG! J.A Rock took me to places in this book that had my skin crawling, my stomach churning and my heart pumping wildly, but fuck...I couldn't have loved it more! SO different from the norm, I could not put this amazing book down, and after I'd finished, had one of the strangest emotional reactions to a reading session I think I've ever experienced!
The gamut of dramatic emotion I encountered reading this story was countless (you name it, I'm pretty sure I felt it) but it was only about five minutes after finishing and closing my Kindle, that a feeling I can only explain as "being overwhelmed" hit me. Out of the blue the emotional floodgate that had obviously been building up inside, burst...and that was it...I just started to sob and I couldn't stop! Like when someone tells you something so shockingly sad, your mind has to process it for a few minutes before the emotional response sets in. That's what this book did to me, and it was the most extraordinary feeling! Kudos J.A, for totally discombobulating me in such an unexpected way.
Bode, Kilroy and Valen's story is hauntingly hypnotic and J.A.'s writing style so beautifully compelling, that I just read solidly; hardly stopping for anything. Drinks went cold, food got skipped and everything that was going on outside of my insular little reading world was ignored, as I could hardly bear to tear myself away from its pages. It was THAT good! Be warned though, this is as far away from a conventional romance as it could be and even though sex is a huge catalyst in the book, despite its premise, it's not the titillating kind. However, it is a love story of sorts and its inspired, thought provoking ending is a fitting reward for surviving the harrowing journey.
In this frighteningly believable future, overuse of technology has created an "An Age of Ennui" where a now apathetic, bored society can only get stimulation via extreme violence and explicit, hard core (se)X shows, that exploit misguided, lost souls and those without purpose, as entertainment for the masses. Using drugs, (aka Haze) to control and falsely lessen the physical pain and sickening degradation they're put through during, and after ShowTime.
Told in two parts, the first alternates a 'Then and Now' scenario, that cleverly weaves in and out of the past and the present; building up tension as it slowly reveals how Bode and Kilroy have reached the sick, twisted relationship they have at the start of the book. Whilst part two stays mainly in the now, when Bode and ex cult member Valen—the 'Boy of the Water' he saves from a snuff performance in another X Show—find refuge among the quirky inhabitants and 'Liberators' of Harkville: a western saloon style town, that harbors anyone who manages to escape their life as a performer in the X shows. Meet weird and wacky characters with names like Horse Leg, Calamity Zane and Skullsprute and wallow in the eccentricities of a town where the word 'normal' isn't even in its vocabulary, and getting surgically modified alterations is a general occurrence.
The juxtaposition of Bode's and Kilroy's early, almost normal relationship, against the harsh cruelty of the humiliation and perversion he later suffers at the hands of his once attentive lover, is both shockingly fascinating and achingly poignant. It's the stuff of nightmares that you want to look away from...but can't! Kilroy Ballast's heinously, perverted manipulation of Bode's guilt ridden, sex show performer is not an easy read, but Ms Rock keeps you locked into their contorted, fucked up relationship by slowly drip feeding snippets of their history together... sneakily dragging you further and deeper into the drama and complexity of it all....
For rest of review follow Link-> http://bit.ly/1Lx0sxY
June 12, 2016
I don't know what the point of art is if you don't scare people a little.
I love this quote. In general. Because it's at the edges that we feel and learn and breathe again.
I love it concerning this book. It should scare you a little, to read it, while reading it. Just a litte.
People watched.
He tapped the pavement with a toe, then a heel. He bent and shifted and spun. Sent his joy, his anger, out into the space around him. Closed his eyes and felt the sun on his skin; moved from the sidewalk to the grass, whirling and stomping. Delicacy and precision be damned. The story he had to tell was a slaughterhouse—blades through flesh and stinking spray on everything.
JA. Rock creates a vivid, horrible world. A future?
The drones [people] out there, they hear songs, they watch films, they look at paintings, and they don't care who made what. They only care who they get to see die and who they get to see fuck.
And this is what the X-shows are for. People go watch other people do the most horrible, unspeakable things. People who, for different reasons, end up as performers in those shows, and mostly can't leave anymore.
I think I have to confess to probably not coming close to grasping the depth of this book. So, I won't try to attempt to tell what it's all about. I am quite sure that it will be different for everyone. And I'm sure that everyone will find something. Everyone who dares to look.
What was predominant for me, was the contemplation of true things: true love, true feelings, true pain, true self:
And when you died, you gave it all back—body and bones and voice and eyes. But your feelings, you pressed those onto others. If you gave someone your love, your fear, your anger, and asked them to match it, to co-shoulder the burden or the blessing and build on it—that person got to keep a part of you. The world faltered now because people had given up on permanent things in favor of transient joy, fragile amusement that cracked with the sound of laughter. They hoped that by making their favourite things fleeting, they could make pain act the same way.
But
whatever people think they're hungry for is not what they really want. They're lonely, and they're afraid of what this would look like done with love.
Do we hide? Are we still real? Are we still alive? Or are we afraid? Who dares to be himself?
But what is the price? How much dare we invest and pay?
'The Grand Ballast' is divided into two parts. The first part—I think around 65%—is told alternating in the past and the present. Let that not bother you, because I don't know how JA. Rock did this, but I've never read a book that felt more whole. I never once thought this was irritating, I was never pulled out of the story. Everything merged together. It was perfect.
I do not tend to read dark books, but since I've already 5 stared two other books (The Silvers and Take the Long Way Home) by the author this year, I really wanted to read this. I tried the sample and thought this would work for me. And it did. It was not always easy, but I made it. I'm looking forward to some fluffiness now, though ;-)
I'm not sure if content warnings are in order here. Probably. If you already know that you can't read a certain content, you probably should skip this book, because seriously, there is probably all the things in it and more. If you are like me, though, and have no specific problems with whatever, try the sample, and if you feel fine, continue on. I won't scare you with a list here ;-P
This was like nothing I've ever read. I feel it's brilliant. I was happy to be scared a little. Really, you should read this.
Gasp... I think I haven't said anything about the characters... Bode, Kilroy, Valen... They are all fascinating. I'm glad it ended the way it did. I think as villains go, Kilroy is the best character, ever. He's not easy to hate. I think even in the end, although I so desperately needed him dead, I felt sorry for him. Brilliantly crafted. All of them.
JA wrote a thing about her inspiration for the book...
I love this quote. In general. Because it's at the edges that we feel and learn and breathe again.
I love it concerning this book. It should scare you a little, to read it, while reading it. Just a litte.
People watched.
He tapped the pavement with a toe, then a heel. He bent and shifted and spun. Sent his joy, his anger, out into the space around him. Closed his eyes and felt the sun on his skin; moved from the sidewalk to the grass, whirling and stomping. Delicacy and precision be damned. The story he had to tell was a slaughterhouse—blades through flesh and stinking spray on everything.
JA. Rock creates a vivid, horrible world. A future?
The drones [people] out there, they hear songs, they watch films, they look at paintings, and they don't care who made what. They only care who they get to see die and who they get to see fuck.
And this is what the X-shows are for. People go watch other people do the most horrible, unspeakable things. People who, for different reasons, end up as performers in those shows, and mostly can't leave anymore.
I think I have to confess to probably not coming close to grasping the depth of this book. So, I won't try to attempt to tell what it's all about. I am quite sure that it will be different for everyone. And I'm sure that everyone will find something. Everyone who dares to look.
What was predominant for me, was the contemplation of true things: true love, true feelings, true pain, true self:
And when you died, you gave it all back—body and bones and voice and eyes. But your feelings, you pressed those onto others. If you gave someone your love, your fear, your anger, and asked them to match it, to co-shoulder the burden or the blessing and build on it—that person got to keep a part of you. The world faltered now because people had given up on permanent things in favor of transient joy, fragile amusement that cracked with the sound of laughter. They hoped that by making their favourite things fleeting, they could make pain act the same way.
But
whatever people think they're hungry for is not what they really want. They're lonely, and they're afraid of what this would look like done with love.
Do we hide? Are we still real? Are we still alive? Or are we afraid? Who dares to be himself?
But what is the price? How much dare we invest and pay?
'The Grand Ballast' is divided into two parts. The first part—I think around 65%—is told alternating in the past and the present. Let that not bother you, because I don't know how JA. Rock did this, but I've never read a book that felt more whole. I never once thought this was irritating, I was never pulled out of the story. Everything merged together. It was perfect.
I do not tend to read dark books, but since I've already 5 stared two other books (The Silvers and Take the Long Way Home) by the author this year, I really wanted to read this. I tried the sample and thought this would work for me. And it did. It was not always easy, but I made it. I'm looking forward to some fluffiness now, though ;-)
I'm not sure if content warnings are in order here. Probably. If you already know that you can't read a certain content, you probably should skip this book, because seriously, there is probably all the things in it and more. If you are like me, though, and have no specific problems with whatever, try the sample, and if you feel fine, continue on. I won't scare you with a list here ;-P
This was like nothing I've ever read. I feel it's brilliant. I was happy to be scared a little. Really, you should read this.
Gasp... I think I haven't said anything about the characters... Bode, Kilroy, Valen... They are all fascinating. I'm glad it ended the way it did. I think as villains go, Kilroy is the best character, ever. He's not easy to hate. I think even in the end, although I so desperately needed him dead, I felt sorry for him. Brilliantly crafted. All of them.
JA wrote a thing about her inspiration for the book...
October 1, 2015
Dark and surreal, a book I read with my mind rather than my heart because that's where it touched. This is my second Rock and she took me on a journey. A journey that made me think. As before Rock made me think not just about the story but about our world and how we see things and what we do with what we see.
September 14, 2015
This story is like a pattern. A repetition of geometry you can be lost in when paying too much attention to the present, but take a step back and you see the design.
A grotesque design of sweat, blood, and contorted, screaming bodies twisted by people’s sick desires.
And to be honest? It was beautiful.
The Grand Ballast is a story that takes place in a modern-day/slightly-futuristic society where X-rated shows have become the solution to widespread apathy. And Kilroy Ballast is among the best, being the ringleader of the very famous (The) Grand Ballast.
The book is broken up into two parts and is told from the point-of-view of character Bode. Part 1 takes up about 60% of the story, and switches between the present and past. You learn about Bode’s past with Kilroy leading up to his current predicament as a performer for The Grand Ballast. While the handling of flashbacks was better than most, I found myself getting really impatient with the progress of the story. It reminded me of the time in high school when my literature teacher would pause a movie every five minutes to make some drawn out commentary, which made it difficult to really sink into the plot (took one week to finish a movie!). Same thing here for me. However, if you aren’t one to mind frequent flashbacks, then this may not be an issue at all. Most of the flashbacks were pertinent, though some felt like page fillers.
Part 2 of the story is told completely in the present. While I found myself entranced with the author’s imagery and prose in part 1, I felt like the actual direction in the story’s plot in part 2 was kind of a letdown. We get less intriguing insight into Bode’s interpretation of the world - probably because we got so much of it in the first half of the novel. The actual plot felt a little silly and kind of over-the-top, but it never got unbearable and really unpleasant per se. I just kind of rolled with it.
While there is romance in the book, it wasn't really a spotlight (though the idea of romance and love in general, is an important philosophical point). Which was probably best, because I couldn't really buy into the couple.
The Grand Ballast is a truly wonderful book. Was it perfect? Hell no. But perfection would have probably made it less. In a way, this book stood out because it was an imperfect book detailing an imperfect society, with characters that I couldn’t really love or connect with. But somehow, the overall package worked real well. The prose is magnificent. The writing was worth it alone, and this alternative world was haunting. Definitely a character-driven book, The Grand Ballast was a carnival of psychological horrors laid out for display.
Question is, are you ready?
A grotesque design of sweat, blood, and contorted, screaming bodies twisted by people’s sick desires.
And to be honest? It was beautiful.
The Grand Ballast is a story that takes place in a modern-day/slightly-futuristic society where X-rated shows have become the solution to widespread apathy. And Kilroy Ballast is among the best, being the ringleader of the very famous (The) Grand Ballast.
The book is broken up into two parts and is told from the point-of-view of character Bode. Part 1 takes up about 60% of the story, and switches between the present and past. You learn about Bode’s past with Kilroy leading up to his current predicament as a performer for The Grand Ballast. While the handling of flashbacks was better than most, I found myself getting really impatient with the progress of the story. It reminded me of the time in high school when my literature teacher would pause a movie every five minutes to make some drawn out commentary, which made it difficult to really sink into the plot (took one week to finish a movie!). Same thing here for me. However, if you aren’t one to mind frequent flashbacks, then this may not be an issue at all. Most of the flashbacks were pertinent, though some felt like page fillers.
Part 2 of the story is told completely in the present. While I found myself entranced with the author’s imagery and prose in part 1, I felt like the actual direction in the story’s plot in part 2 was kind of a letdown. We get less intriguing insight into Bode’s interpretation of the world - probably because we got so much of it in the first half of the novel. The actual plot felt a little silly and kind of over-the-top, but it never got unbearable and really unpleasant per se. I just kind of rolled with it.
While there is romance in the book, it wasn't really a spotlight (though the idea of romance and love in general, is an important philosophical point). Which was probably best, because I couldn't really buy into the couple.
The Grand Ballast is a truly wonderful book. Was it perfect? Hell no. But perfection would have probably made it less. In a way, this book stood out because it was an imperfect book detailing an imperfect society, with characters that I couldn’t really love or connect with. But somehow, the overall package worked real well. The prose is magnificent. The writing was worth it alone, and this alternative world was haunting. Definitely a character-driven book, The Grand Ballast was a carnival of psychological horrors laid out for display.
Question is, are you ready?
June 29, 2015
The Grand Ballast by J.A. Rock is a devastatingly thought provoking and utterly mind blowing surreal experience that some, but not all, will truly relish. Sometimes a book just hits you, as in, completely knocks you for six… because of the exceptional writing and the incredibly brilliant concept and ingenuity behind it, which makes you want to shout to the world, READ THIS BOOK!
Check out our Macky’s review to find out why this book is so outstanding in our eyes.
Check out our Macky’s review to find out why this book is so outstanding in our eyes.
May 4, 2016
J.A. is a beast with words. The emotions she digs up make me almost uncomfortable, if only because she manages to drag up pieces of me I would rather have buried.
July 21, 2015
3,5 stars
The Grand Ballast is a little bit of AHS: Freak Show and a little bit of Hostel, and if you give it a deeper thought (and I dare you not) it's a subtle social critique showing depressing future not unlike Black Mirror does.
While first and second comparison gives you a pretty good idea about disturbing imagery, it's the last one that lingered in my mind the most. Story is set sometime in the future when people grew to be so bored they can't be entertained with usual, normal things, so seeking thrill provoked pushing boundaries all around: romantic feelings are considered too common and nobody wants to do that, but circus with grotesque erotic acts is a hot stuff. Like with every other thing aimed to entertain audience, it's all about being first, original and doing something nobody has done before- flying trapeze coitus, gangbangs and body modifications are just top of the iceberg. In one such erotic carnival our hero Bode is a star act.
World building left me uncomfortable (and I am sure that was the idea) since it showed the future that's result of things we are very familiar with now: technology dependence and interaction through social networks where personal becomes public; a future where invention will lead to society so desensitized it will bring the worst in it. I think it hit me particularly hard in scene where entertaining act grew into snuff- on one hand you are horrified, but on the other you are aware it's natural course of things in that world- that even the weirdest sex will eventually become boring. In a society where someone's life and body is so trivialized, should you be surprised that next step is death turned into performance for fun?
It's fucking bleak world Rock created here.:\
And it's this overwhelming bleakness that affected my rating to a degree. Ultimate message at the end is actually rather hopeful: even in a world of perpetuate ennui, there is a place for love. But it's a message I felt it was more told to me, whereas indifference and cruelty was constantly in my face, showed to the very end. Second part of the book finds Bode and Valen in Harkville, a town where circus outcasts live and run liberating movement. Very soon you are figuring out that in fulfilling their own goal for liberating circus performers...they are doing the same thing- using people like they are nothing.
After so much awful, it was kind of hard for me to believe in that happy end and/or hopeful message even if I understood what Rock was trying to do: I just don't think she was selling it as hard as she was selling me the dark.
As for disturbing stuff, there is a lot of it in all varieties,so all the triggers.
Main character is Bode Martin and entire story is told from his pov, alternating past events from the moment he met Killroy and current events when he's already in the business of X-shows. Bode is actually another reason for my lower rating. I was indifferent to his character at the beginning, excluding torture parts. In fact-and I know this will come out as weird- I think Killroy is both the worst and the best thing that happened to Bode because Bode before Killroy was innocent, but also kind of self-indulgent and judgmental. This doesn't mean Bode's character doesn't change along the way- he does, but not in a direction I hoped to see and he certainly doesn't lose some of his damaging traits. I'll try to explain: It's obvious early on that Killroy and Bode have very unhealthy relationship (both romantic and professional, but that's one and the same in this book)- in fact, since book is told from Bode's pov, it's even more apparent that it's not all Killroy- Bode contributed a lot to that "unhealthy" part. He has this vision of love that's not just idealistic, it's considered to be surpassed concept in this world Rock created. But he is so stubbornly sticking to it despite the fact that all the evidence is showing that Killroy is just not on the same page. So, Bode is clingy and very dependent of his own vision of romantic relationship he constantly makes same mistake over and over again- Killroy is effing psychopath, but I couldn't shake the feeling that he was not the only one responsible for messing Bode's life. Which brings me to character development: So, I see Bode doing incredibly stupid things in his life which he regrets. But he only change this desperate situation he's in WHEN there is another guy he can project the same image of love on. He witnessed Killroy doing awful things to rest of them, and it didn't move him to fight back, so it just drove me crazy that he fought back only when another guy came into his life. I am actually glad Valen calls him on it later, but it didn't read like Bode understood what is he saying as it was reading to me like Bode is agreeing which I saw him doing when he's in relationship. :\
Same thing can't be said for Killroy Ballast- He is genuinely bad guy and Rock managed to show him in all his depravity. He is a coward on one page and manipulative bastard on other; you snort at his flashy suits and professional jealousy only to be terrified a moment later. I mean, you have to respect the irony: the guy whose name is a synonym for stability is the most unstable and unhinged figure in the book. I didn't put Cristoph Waltz gif for fun- I had this image of him every time Killroy was on page because he is a terrific actor who can easily sell me charismatic psycho character. And that's Killroy in a shell. He is really awful, but strong and compelling to read.
All in all, this is your usual JA Rock writing unusual stuff- but I find her previous effort-(The Silvers)- to be tighter plot-wise and more original.
"Ladies and Gentleman.
And kids of legal age!
Welcome to the greatest show on Earth!
Whatever rattles your cage!
Whatever tickles your fancy!
We have it.
So strap on." ;)
The Grand Ballast is a little bit of AHS: Freak Show and a little bit of Hostel, and if you give it a deeper thought (and I dare you not) it's a subtle social critique showing depressing future not unlike Black Mirror does.
While first and second comparison gives you a pretty good idea about disturbing imagery, it's the last one that lingered in my mind the most. Story is set sometime in the future when people grew to be so bored they can't be entertained with usual, normal things, so seeking thrill provoked pushing boundaries all around: romantic feelings are considered too common and nobody wants to do that, but circus with grotesque erotic acts is a hot stuff. Like with every other thing aimed to entertain audience, it's all about being first, original and doing something nobody has done before- flying trapeze coitus, gangbangs and body modifications are just top of the iceberg. In one such erotic carnival our hero Bode is a star act.
World building left me uncomfortable (and I am sure that was the idea) since it showed the future that's result of things we are very familiar with now: technology dependence and interaction through social networks where personal becomes public; a future where invention will lead to society so desensitized it will bring the worst in it. I think it hit me particularly hard in scene where entertaining act grew into snuff- on one hand you are horrified, but on the other you are aware it's natural course of things in that world- that even the weirdest sex will eventually become boring. In a society where someone's life and body is so trivialized, should you be surprised that next step is death turned into performance for fun?
It's fucking bleak world Rock created here.:\
And it's this overwhelming bleakness that affected my rating to a degree. Ultimate message at the end is actually rather hopeful: even in a world of perpetuate ennui, there is a place for love. But it's a message I felt it was more told to me, whereas indifference and cruelty was constantly in my face, showed to the very end. Second part of the book finds Bode and Valen in Harkville, a town where circus outcasts live and run liberating movement. Very soon you are figuring out that in fulfilling their own goal for liberating circus performers...they are doing the same thing- using people like they are nothing.
After so much awful, it was kind of hard for me to believe in that happy end and/or hopeful message even if I understood what Rock was trying to do: I just don't think she was selling it as hard as she was selling me the dark.
As for disturbing stuff, there is a lot of it in all varieties,so all the triggers.
Main character is Bode Martin and entire story is told from his pov, alternating past events from the moment he met Killroy and current events when he's already in the business of X-shows. Bode is actually another reason for my lower rating. I was indifferent to his character at the beginning, excluding torture parts. In fact-and I know this will come out as weird- I think Killroy is both the worst and the best thing that happened to Bode because Bode before Killroy was innocent, but also kind of self-indulgent and judgmental. This doesn't mean Bode's character doesn't change along the way- he does, but not in a direction I hoped to see and he certainly doesn't lose some of his damaging traits. I'll try to explain: It's obvious early on that Killroy and Bode have very unhealthy relationship (both romantic and professional, but that's one and the same in this book)- in fact, since book is told from Bode's pov, it's even more apparent that it's not all Killroy- Bode contributed a lot to that "unhealthy" part. He has this vision of love that's not just idealistic, it's considered to be surpassed concept in this world Rock created. But he is so stubbornly sticking to it despite the fact that all the evidence is showing that Killroy is just not on the same page. So, Bode is clingy and very dependent of his own vision of romantic relationship he constantly makes same mistake over and over again- Killroy is effing psychopath, but I couldn't shake the feeling that he was not the only one responsible for messing Bode's life. Which brings me to character development: So, I see Bode doing incredibly stupid things in his life which he regrets. But he only change this desperate situation he's in WHEN there is another guy he can project the same image of love on. He witnessed Killroy doing awful things to rest of them, and it didn't move him to fight back, so it just drove me crazy that he fought back only when another guy came into his life. I am actually glad Valen calls him on it later, but it didn't read like Bode understood what is he saying as it was reading to me like Bode is agreeing which I saw him doing when he's in relationship. :\
Same thing can't be said for Killroy Ballast- He is genuinely bad guy and Rock managed to show him in all his depravity. He is a coward on one page and manipulative bastard on other; you snort at his flashy suits and professional jealousy only to be terrified a moment later. I mean, you have to respect the irony: the guy whose name is a synonym for stability is the most unstable and unhinged figure in the book. I didn't put Cristoph Waltz gif for fun- I had this image of him every time Killroy was on page because he is a terrific actor who can easily sell me charismatic psycho character. And that's Killroy in a shell. He is really awful, but strong and compelling to read.
All in all, this is your usual JA Rock writing unusual stuff- but I find her previous effort-(The Silvers)- to be tighter plot-wise and more original.
July 7, 2015
4*
Before I begin the review proper can I say whether by accident or design there were no trigger warnings when I looked – This should have warnings concerning ‘noncon’ – ‘dubcon’ – cruelty – physical abuse, and psychological abuse.
The Grand Ballast is not a genre romance. In fact it is not a romance – although there is a love story element. It is more of an intense dissection of the human condition. In many ways it is a minor masterpiece, and I’m sure many will call it so, justifiably, and award it 5*. I cannot – only because the way the rating system stands my ‘enjoyment’ of a book is part of the equation. I cannot say I ‘enjoyed’ this book in the normal way of things.
This is a book for discussion – I mentioned to one of my Goodreads friends that we needed a book group just for The Grand Ballast.
The setting is a dystopian one – where an apocalypse has occurred not caused by war or disease, but by human ennui, following the Age of Outrage.
The world has given up loving, Art, objecting, or caring about anything except the tiny reactions, they still feel when viewing violence, sex and death, as provided in the immoral X-Shows. In this world is, Bode – a dancer in a small theatre who still believes in passion through art, dance and love. He has so much love he wants to give and tries so hard to make people in his tiny audiences – feel again.
Part of this need develops due to his own parents’ fall into mental disrepair – His father knits while his mother plays marbles, endlessly. Bode misses his parents’ interaction and attention– his mother particularly – and is terribly lonely with no real connection to the world. Then he meets Kilroy Ballast – (does his name means he balances Bode or sinks him?) Kilroy is an anti-hero. Flawed to the point of madness, Bode feels Kilroy offers the longed for connection, love, tenderness and feeling. Together they will change the world. Sadly, Kilroy does not see Bode in the same way, or if he does it is buried too far beneath his sickness to prevail. Kilroy proves beyond redemption:
When Bode believes, he has caused the death of a man he is jealous of – Kilroy makes him suffer in a terrible manner by contracting him to his new X-Show – The Grand Ballast.
Bode only survives this ‘contract’ – mostly – mentally intact, by taking a drug called ‘Haze’, which has been created by Kilroy to ensure compliance in his acts. Until about 75% through the book – this story is dark and I mean go to a dark place and then turn out the light. It is gruesome in the descriptions, wearing in the psychological misery, and really, really well written. Some of the metaphors are just brilliant:
The characters are richly observed, and no one is all good, or all bad, although many are grotesque. The Grand Ballast puts subjects like obsession, love, passion and Art under the microscope, and then dissects them with tiny painful cuts:
Well that’s a discussion for another place another time – but the metaphysical has as much place here as the physical, the abstract with the banal. There is another important MC, ‘The Boy in the Water’ – this is where the love comes in – I don’t want to include any spoilers, and that is difficult with this character.
The two find a ‘sanctuary’ of sorts in Harkville, a disturbing amalgamation, of animal shelter – where activists take liberated ‘smoking Beagles’ and Rabbits with cosmetics in their eyes – crossed with the Wild West.
There is a HEA at the very end, but for me I felt so emotionally bruised and battered that the ending didn’t feel very happy, rather an acceptance on behalf of Bode to live with the horror of his past – in order to enjoy the future.
I have given this book 4* but not without feeling regret. This is a very good book – it makes you really think and want to discuss it, which I love, but The Grand Ballast is too harsh for me – too cruel, and lacks enough human kindness, or gentleness to soothe and balance out the cruelty and hatred. No kind act goes unpunished – this is not a comfortable read, but definitely a fascinating one.
Interestingly, I read one review, which said that several hours after finishing this novel, the reviewer suddenly started sobbing. I don’t know whether this novel is truly cathartic, or whether it is weird coincidence, but I had a similar experience.
Before I begin the review proper can I say whether by accident or design there were no trigger warnings when I looked – This should have warnings concerning ‘noncon’ – ‘dubcon’ – cruelty – physical abuse, and psychological abuse.
The Grand Ballast is not a genre romance. In fact it is not a romance – although there is a love story element. It is more of an intense dissection of the human condition. In many ways it is a minor masterpiece, and I’m sure many will call it so, justifiably, and award it 5*. I cannot – only because the way the rating system stands my ‘enjoyment’ of a book is part of the equation. I cannot say I ‘enjoyed’ this book in the normal way of things.
This is a book for discussion – I mentioned to one of my Goodreads friends that we needed a book group just for The Grand Ballast.
The setting is a dystopian one – where an apocalypse has occurred not caused by war or disease, but by human ennui, following the Age of Outrage.
…The Age of Outrage. That was when everyone was hyper-connected. Logged into fourteen social media outlets at once and in a default state of anger – ‘political’ debates inevitably devolving into grade school name-calling. People getting self-righteously pissed about everything – you’re a racist, you’re sexist, you’re homophobic, you’re anti-religious, you’re ableist, you’re too religious, and so on.’
The world has given up loving, Art, objecting, or caring about anything except the tiny reactions, they still feel when viewing violence, sex and death, as provided in the immoral X-Shows. In this world is, Bode – a dancer in a small theatre who still believes in passion through art, dance and love. He has so much love he wants to give and tries so hard to make people in his tiny audiences – feel again.
Part of this need develops due to his own parents’ fall into mental disrepair – His father knits while his mother plays marbles, endlessly. Bode misses his parents’ interaction and attention– his mother particularly – and is terribly lonely with no real connection to the world. Then he meets Kilroy Ballast – (does his name means he balances Bode or sinks him?) Kilroy is an anti-hero. Flawed to the point of madness, Bode feels Kilroy offers the longed for connection, love, tenderness and feeling. Together they will change the world. Sadly, Kilroy does not see Bode in the same way, or if he does it is buried too far beneath his sickness to prevail. Kilroy proves beyond redemption:
‘Kilroy likes to break things and put them back together. And when he can’t repair what he’s broken, he’s terrified.’
When Bode believes, he has caused the death of a man he is jealous of – Kilroy makes him suffer in a terrible manner by contracting him to his new X-Show – The Grand Ballast.
‘…You’d be paying a debt.’ Kilroy spoke as though he were telling a story. ‘You would have to suffer.’ Yes. That sounded fair. He’d once believed he had so much compassion and empathy. But he might as well have been the glass lodged in Driscoll’s body, fragmented and buried deep in the mess of what he’d destroyed. ‘Okay.’
Bode only survives this ‘contract’ – mostly – mentally intact, by taking a drug called ‘Haze’, which has been created by Kilroy to ensure compliance in his acts. Until about 75% through the book – this story is dark and I mean go to a dark place and then turn out the light. It is gruesome in the descriptions, wearing in the psychological misery, and really, really well written. Some of the metaphors are just brilliant:
‘…she broke Finlay’s heart the other day.’
‘It’s not broken, just knocked around a bit,’ Finley said with what sounded like forced lightness. ‘It’s sitting in a mud puddle, drinking gin from the bottle.’
The characters are richly observed, and no one is all good, or all bad, although many are grotesque. The Grand Ballast puts subjects like obsession, love, passion and Art under the microscope, and then dissects them with tiny painful cuts:
‘…had he [Bode] ever thought that his dancing mattered? ‘Art’ was just a label lazy people put on games to make them seem important…’
Well that’s a discussion for another place another time – but the metaphysical has as much place here as the physical, the abstract with the banal. There is another important MC, ‘The Boy in the Water’ – this is where the love comes in – I don’t want to include any spoilers, and that is difficult with this character.
The two find a ‘sanctuary’ of sorts in Harkville, a disturbing amalgamation, of animal shelter – where activists take liberated ‘smoking Beagles’ and Rabbits with cosmetics in their eyes – crossed with the Wild West.
There is a HEA at the very end, but for me I felt so emotionally bruised and battered that the ending didn’t feel very happy, rather an acceptance on behalf of Bode to live with the horror of his past – in order to enjoy the future.
I have given this book 4* but not without feeling regret. This is a very good book – it makes you really think and want to discuss it, which I love, but The Grand Ballast is too harsh for me – too cruel, and lacks enough human kindness, or gentleness to soothe and balance out the cruelty and hatred. No kind act goes unpunished – this is not a comfortable read, but definitely a fascinating one.
Interestingly, I read one review, which said that several hours after finishing this novel, the reviewer suddenly started sobbing. I don’t know whether this novel is truly cathartic, or whether it is weird coincidence, but I had a similar experience.
July 5, 2015
I was not prepared for this book.
I'm not sure you can be at all.
I guess my mind is still kind of in a daze.... I'm not sure how to process the range of emotions I felt while reading this. Towards the end, I eventually had to just numb myself to keep going through the horrors that were happening on page. I'm glad I stuck through it, because that last chapter.....Made me want to cry and cry.
It made me feel uncomfortable and emotional and it was all weirdly beautiful.
I started it 4 hours ago and it is now 2am. Obviously am incoherent but needed to jot my immediate feelings down.
It's been said before, but I also feel like standing in awe of J.A. Rock because I feel she's the one continuing to push the boundaries of what is this genre.
I'm not sure you can be at all.
I guess my mind is still kind of in a daze.... I'm not sure how to process the range of emotions I felt while reading this. Towards the end, I eventually had to just numb myself to keep going through the horrors that were happening on page. I'm glad I stuck through it, because that last chapter.....Made me want to cry and cry.
It made me feel uncomfortable and emotional and it was all weirdly beautiful.
I started it 4 hours ago and it is now 2am. Obviously am incoherent but needed to jot my immediate feelings down.
It's been said before, but I also feel like standing in awe of J.A. Rock because I feel she's the one continuing to push the boundaries of what is this genre.
July 4, 2015
Ten stars. So beautiful in its ugliness and wildness. I wish J.A.Rock would start writing outside of the genre so I could show her poetry and skills to the people around me who (sadly) do not care for gay romance
January 5, 2016
This book was provided free in exchange for a fair and honest review for Love Bytes. Go there to check out other reviews, author interviews, and all those awesome giveaways. Click below.
The Grand Ballast is an extremely moving exploration of the meaning of true love. The story begins with Bode’s decision to stop taking drugs that leave circus performers in a haze so they can perform with emotional disconnect. Bode has been in a relationship with Kilory for some time, but now that he’s no longer in the “haze,” he believes they can have something more. Though romance is a dead and forgotten concept in his world, he believes he and Kilroy can experience true love together. However, Kilroy’s cruelty shines through so often that Bode’s romantic notions are dashed. Bode suffers unimaginable cruelty at Kilroy’s hands before he finally breaks free and finds love in the arms of another.
My heart goes out to Bode in his journey to find meaning in life. Bode wants love and romance so badly that he becomes blind to his lover’s cruelty. Throughout the first part of the book, I was hoping Bode would wake up and realize how wrong and messed up Kilroy was. But by the time he finally realizes it, the damage is already done. After his disillusionment with Kilroy, I was afraid Bode would give up on his dreams, but I’m glad that he never does. He gave his body and soul to a man who used and abused him, but he survives through it all and eventually finds the man who is worthy of his heart. I really loved the mood in this book. There were times when Bode’s recollection of the devastating string of events made me feel just as disoriented as he did, while dealing with the resulting emotional trauma. This book is certainly a piece of art, and my heart is still hurting from the happy but beautifully sad ending.
As a side note, the sex and noncon content are non-graphic. I recommend The Grand Ballast to those who love m/m romance with hurt/comfort themes and a lot of angst.
The Grand Ballast is an extremely moving exploration of the meaning of true love. The story begins with Bode’s decision to stop taking drugs that leave circus performers in a haze so they can perform with emotional disconnect. Bode has been in a relationship with Kilory for some time, but now that he’s no longer in the “haze,” he believes they can have something more. Though romance is a dead and forgotten concept in his world, he believes he and Kilroy can experience true love together. However, Kilroy’s cruelty shines through so often that Bode’s romantic notions are dashed. Bode suffers unimaginable cruelty at Kilroy’s hands before he finally breaks free and finds love in the arms of another.My heart goes out to Bode in his journey to find meaning in life. Bode wants love and romance so badly that he becomes blind to his lover’s cruelty. Throughout the first part of the book, I was hoping Bode would wake up and realize how wrong and messed up Kilroy was. But by the time he finally realizes it, the damage is already done. After his disillusionment with Kilroy, I was afraid Bode would give up on his dreams, but I’m glad that he never does. He gave his body and soul to a man who used and abused him, but he survives through it all and eventually finds the man who is worthy of his heart. I really loved the mood in this book. There were times when Bode’s recollection of the devastating string of events made me feel just as disoriented as he did, while dealing with the resulting emotional trauma. This book is certainly a piece of art, and my heart is still hurting from the happy but beautifully sad ending.
As a side note, the sex and noncon content are non-graphic. I recommend The Grand Ballast to those who love m/m romance with hurt/comfort themes and a lot of angst.
Want to read
June 29, 2015Just started reading the ARC and it's KILLING ME how awesome this is. Gah. She slays me with her words.
ETA: JA Rock has written a powerful book. It is dark. It is disturbing. It is, ultimately, full of hope that we can look out for one another, even if it's impossible ever to save anyone. Reading this book is like reading a surrealist painting, if Heironymus Bosch was a surrealist. The writing is so gorgeous it makes me shiver.
Trigger warnings for all kinds of things. I mean it. A lot.
ETA: JA Rock has written a powerful book. It is dark. It is disturbing. It is, ultimately, full of hope that we can look out for one another, even if it's impossible ever to save anyone. Reading this book is like reading a surrealist painting, if Heironymus Bosch was a surrealist. The writing is so gorgeous it makes me shiver.
Trigger warnings for all kinds of things. I mean it. A lot.
Want to read
November 10, 2015All my love and respect to the person who though to add "not a genre romance" to the blurb.
I've come across places where authors are upset because they feel that we (meaning readers, but I think in particular female readers) are trying to dictate both what a romance is and who/what/how a gay man is - because some people get upset when they unexpectedly find a m/f sex scene in their m/m romance, one of the characters is married and stays married while having their romance on the side, etc.
What I think a lot of people are missing out on is that for a lot of people a "romance" is a particular type of story and by calling it a m/m romance we/they expect a certain type of story. It is not that anyone is trying to dictate who anyone else is or how they live their lives or who they sleep with. It is more about what genre romance is. Unexpected sex partners (be they male or female), surprise poly romances, things like that, are not a usual part of genre romance so they can often come as an unpleasant surprise.
If you label your book "romance" or "m/m romance" or "f/f romance" then that indicates a certain idea/order to the story for a lot of readers.
Maybe people will disagree but I think adding the label of "genre romance" or "not genre romance" is a good compromise. Those who are looking for (or want to write) a certain type of story will not be upset over what they see as misleading & mislabeling and those who want to write a story (or read one)that they consider romance but doesn't fit the traditional "romance novel model" maybe won't feel so dismissed/angry. It is a way to both change what romance is for those that want to change it and to keep it the same for those who like their "one person meets another person, falls in love, lives HEA" romance.
I've come across places where authors are upset because they feel that we (meaning readers, but I think in particular female readers) are trying to dictate both what a romance is and who/what/how a gay man is - because some people get upset when they unexpectedly find a m/f sex scene in their m/m romance, one of the characters is married and stays married while having their romance on the side, etc.
What I think a lot of people are missing out on is that for a lot of people a "romance" is a particular type of story and by calling it a m/m romance we/they expect a certain type of story. It is not that anyone is trying to dictate who anyone else is or how they live their lives or who they sleep with. It is more about what genre romance is. Unexpected sex partners (be they male or female), surprise poly romances, things like that, are not a usual part of genre romance so they can often come as an unpleasant surprise.
If you label your book "romance" or "m/m romance" or "f/f romance" then that indicates a certain idea/order to the story for a lot of readers.
Maybe people will disagree but I think adding the label of "genre romance" or "not genre romance" is a good compromise. Those who are looking for (or want to write) a certain type of story will not be upset over what they see as misleading & mislabeling and those who want to write a story (or read one)that they consider romance but doesn't fit the traditional "romance novel model" maybe won't feel so dismissed/angry. It is a way to both change what romance is for those that want to change it and to keep it the same for those who like their "one person meets another person, falls in love, lives HEA" romance.
July 17, 2015
A Joyfully Jay review.
5 stars
A book set in a society where everyone is bored and no one believes in love should be the first indication that this is not what would be considered a traditional romance. We must then look to the writing, as the sheer force of words and imagery that J.A. Rock puts forth to connect the characters and the reader to this new world is amazing. Set somewhere in the future with no real sense of time or place, the landscape of the story offers billowy, dream-like edges combined with a fantastical, old world, side show feel of eras gone by, which is also the foundation upon which nightmares are built.
Read Michelle's review in its entirety here.
5 stars
A book set in a society where everyone is bored and no one believes in love should be the first indication that this is not what would be considered a traditional romance. We must then look to the writing, as the sheer force of words and imagery that J.A. Rock puts forth to connect the characters and the reader to this new world is amazing. Set somewhere in the future with no real sense of time or place, the landscape of the story offers billowy, dream-like edges combined with a fantastical, old world, side show feel of eras gone by, which is also the foundation upon which nightmares are built.
Read Michelle's review in its entirety here.
October 28, 2015
Review can be read at It's About The Book
4.5 stars
Bode Martin wants to feel and show his story of feeling to other people. Unfortunately most audiences don’t want to see uncomfortable feelings. For a dancer who wants to explore the wide world of emotions this is a problem. Kilroy Ballast sees in Bode a great talent and real beauty. Kilroy is going to take Bode’s talent and show it to the world. Bode falls in love with Kilroy. It’s nice for Bode to finally leave home as he doesn’t understand his parents. They don’t seem to love each other. No one seems to love anyone, but Bode believes he and Kilroy will love each other. Bode remains a dancer after he moves in with Kilroy, but he dislikes the shows that make audiences happy. Bode feels audiences are made happy with mediocrity and wants to show them something amazing. As Bode and his fellow dancers work on something amazing Kilroy begins to spend a lot of time with another man. Bode becomes jealous. It becomes quite a problem. A deadly problem. Kilroy finds he’s able to use Bode’s guilt to get him to star in his new X-Show, The Grand Ballast.
Years of performing and drug use have taken a toll on Bode. He’s becoming aware of his own misery. He’s aware he doesn’t love Kilroy anymore. He’s aware Kilroy won’t let him go. While attending a new X-Show Kilroy feels may become competitive with The Grand Ballast, Bode feels compelled to save a performer meant to drown as the culmination of his act. Kilroy buys the man’s contract. Bode knows he needs to escape Kilroy and now feels he needs to save the new cast member, Valen, in addition to himself and another friend. Only Bode and Valen make it to Harkville. In Harkville they have to figure out how to finally free themselves from Kilroy Ballast.
As much as I want to be like a kid in a candy store and dig into this text to hold in my hands all the wondrous rhetorical devices, I’m going to do my best to just name a couple so as to not spoil the awesome. Normally, I really hate when an author tells me something they’re showing me. Here, I thought it produced interesting results. The Grand Ballast is both a simple coming of age tale as well as a spectacle filled with over the top violence and sex. The violence and sex is what the audience wants. Bode and Kilroy discussed these concepts repeatedly. A spectacle with a simple message, something groundbreaking rooted in nature. The sex and violence aspect of the spectacle was also frequently discussed. It’s what the audience wants. And this story was filled with sex and violence but at the same time it wasn’t. The audience has knowledge of Bode being beaten and raped then we fill in the horror of it all ourselves. Like seeing part of a dog through a fence and our brain supplies the rest of the dog. Again, this concept appears repeatedly. But, my favorite example of show and tell in this book is about Bode’s parents. Bode doesn’t understand their relationship. He can’t see how they love each other. His father sits and knits while his mother plays marbles, each of their hobbies producing clicking sounds. Despite Bode’s lack of understanding his parents click.
Underneath the sex, drugs, and violence of the X-Shows this is a story of Bode growing up. Bode confused obsession with love. He wanted a grand passion. He wanted to be seen and became obsessed with the first person who saw him. Unfortunately for Bode this person manipulated and exploited him. It wasn’t until Bode was able to get out of his dysfunctional relationship with Kilroy that he began to understand the dynamics of a long term relationship. Kindness matters. Balance matters. Bode’s career trajectory mirrored his romantic trajectory. Bode became enraptured by the first business person to recognize his talent and vision. For a creator having a business come along and recognize your talent is great. It can make for smooth sailing, but they can also scrawl their name on all your work and drag you down like dead weight. Bode came to realize Kilroy needed him far more than he needed Kilroy. A show is nothing without its talent. Bode also comes to learn creation and storytelling aren’t about the audience.
That business exploits creators is a major message in this story. That there is a marketplace for creations and some concepts sell better than others is also a major message in this story. These are things I agree with. Consequently, at times I felt a bit like the choir as this story went on talking about unfair treatment of storytellers and audiences afraid to feel something intense. Ironically, it took me a long time to read this book as I was expecting some profound thoughts, and I was protecting myself.
This story can be difficult to read with interwoven timelines and characters that are not only unlikable they are at times horrible, but it’s very compelling. Whereas I certainly wouldn’t classify this story as a romance I do believe the ending was beautiful and showed true and abiding love. In picking this up expect to feel a full palette of profound emotions.
4.5 stars
Bode Martin wants to feel and show his story of feeling to other people. Unfortunately most audiences don’t want to see uncomfortable feelings. For a dancer who wants to explore the wide world of emotions this is a problem. Kilroy Ballast sees in Bode a great talent and real beauty. Kilroy is going to take Bode’s talent and show it to the world. Bode falls in love with Kilroy. It’s nice for Bode to finally leave home as he doesn’t understand his parents. They don’t seem to love each other. No one seems to love anyone, but Bode believes he and Kilroy will love each other. Bode remains a dancer after he moves in with Kilroy, but he dislikes the shows that make audiences happy. Bode feels audiences are made happy with mediocrity and wants to show them something amazing. As Bode and his fellow dancers work on something amazing Kilroy begins to spend a lot of time with another man. Bode becomes jealous. It becomes quite a problem. A deadly problem. Kilroy finds he’s able to use Bode’s guilt to get him to star in his new X-Show, The Grand Ballast.
Years of performing and drug use have taken a toll on Bode. He’s becoming aware of his own misery. He’s aware he doesn’t love Kilroy anymore. He’s aware Kilroy won’t let him go. While attending a new X-Show Kilroy feels may become competitive with The Grand Ballast, Bode feels compelled to save a performer meant to drown as the culmination of his act. Kilroy buys the man’s contract. Bode knows he needs to escape Kilroy and now feels he needs to save the new cast member, Valen, in addition to himself and another friend. Only Bode and Valen make it to Harkville. In Harkville they have to figure out how to finally free themselves from Kilroy Ballast.
As much as I want to be like a kid in a candy store and dig into this text to hold in my hands all the wondrous rhetorical devices, I’m going to do my best to just name a couple so as to not spoil the awesome. Normally, I really hate when an author tells me something they’re showing me. Here, I thought it produced interesting results. The Grand Ballast is both a simple coming of age tale as well as a spectacle filled with over the top violence and sex. The violence and sex is what the audience wants. Bode and Kilroy discussed these concepts repeatedly. A spectacle with a simple message, something groundbreaking rooted in nature. The sex and violence aspect of the spectacle was also frequently discussed. It’s what the audience wants. And this story was filled with sex and violence but at the same time it wasn’t. The audience has knowledge of Bode being beaten and raped then we fill in the horror of it all ourselves. Like seeing part of a dog through a fence and our brain supplies the rest of the dog. Again, this concept appears repeatedly. But, my favorite example of show and tell in this book is about Bode’s parents. Bode doesn’t understand their relationship. He can’t see how they love each other. His father sits and knits while his mother plays marbles, each of their hobbies producing clicking sounds. Despite Bode’s lack of understanding his parents click.
Underneath the sex, drugs, and violence of the X-Shows this is a story of Bode growing up. Bode confused obsession with love. He wanted a grand passion. He wanted to be seen and became obsessed with the first person who saw him. Unfortunately for Bode this person manipulated and exploited him. It wasn’t until Bode was able to get out of his dysfunctional relationship with Kilroy that he began to understand the dynamics of a long term relationship. Kindness matters. Balance matters. Bode’s career trajectory mirrored his romantic trajectory. Bode became enraptured by the first business person to recognize his talent and vision. For a creator having a business come along and recognize your talent is great. It can make for smooth sailing, but they can also scrawl their name on all your work and drag you down like dead weight. Bode came to realize Kilroy needed him far more than he needed Kilroy. A show is nothing without its talent. Bode also comes to learn creation and storytelling aren’t about the audience.
That business exploits creators is a major message in this story. That there is a marketplace for creations and some concepts sell better than others is also a major message in this story. These are things I agree with. Consequently, at times I felt a bit like the choir as this story went on talking about unfair treatment of storytellers and audiences afraid to feel something intense. Ironically, it took me a long time to read this book as I was expecting some profound thoughts, and I was protecting myself.
This story can be difficult to read with interwoven timelines and characters that are not only unlikable they are at times horrible, but it’s very compelling. Whereas I certainly wouldn’t classify this story as a romance I do believe the ending was beautiful and showed true and abiding love. In picking this up expect to feel a full palette of profound emotions.
January 11, 2016
I know it's unfair to rate a book when you never even finished it, but I kind of felt readers deserved a bit of warning before jumping into this book.
I got around 20% in and had to stop because it was just so upsetting to me. Now, I'm going to say that people who like this kind of work will probably enjoy it. I, personally, could not get around the grotesque imagery and the absolutely bleak world painted by the author. It's well written, no doubt about that, but please, please know what you are getting into before you purchase.
I normally really enjoy J.A. Rock's works, which is why I purchased this one with just a brief cursory look at the book description*. And the description sounded fine to me, considering I've read things like "The Flesh Cartel" and enjoyed them. However, the difference with this work and even The Flesh Cartel is that there is nothing... sexy, for lack of a better word, in The Grand Ballast.
It certainly doesn't help that the narrative jumps between present and past, which slows the main narrative down tremendously. I ended up skipping ahead, and I don't think the love interest shows up until chapter 5 or 6 (and these aren't short chapters).
I'm sure towards the end of the work, the two would have found love and created something beautiful, but the journey would have been too painful for me. I think the first few paragraphs contained one description which was already pretty much a deal-breaker for me: one of the side characters had been forcibly operated so she had an extra "hole" in her chest for her partner to fuck on stage. I wanted to believe that I was misinterpreting that line, imagining something worse than it actually was. I kept reading because I told myself it was just one small detail and the rest would be fine. But no, the tone continued in that vein. Everything was unpleasant. Every good thing was marred with the knowledge that it would turn bad. (Really, really not what I wanted to be reading while on my vacation... good thing I had loaded up my kindle with some other works as well.)
If you want something extremely dark and "artsy," this might be for you. But if you're expecting something similar as Rock's previous works... well, you'll probably be disappointed.
*Edit: The Amazon page doesn't include the warning that this one does, "not a genre romance" -- I probably wouldn't have bought it in the first place if I had seen that.
I got around 20% in and had to stop because it was just so upsetting to me. Now, I'm going to say that people who like this kind of work will probably enjoy it. I, personally, could not get around the grotesque imagery and the absolutely bleak world painted by the author. It's well written, no doubt about that, but please, please know what you are getting into before you purchase.
I normally really enjoy J.A. Rock's works, which is why I purchased this one with just a brief cursory look at the book description*. And the description sounded fine to me, considering I've read things like "The Flesh Cartel" and enjoyed them. However, the difference with this work and even The Flesh Cartel is that there is nothing... sexy, for lack of a better word, in The Grand Ballast.
It certainly doesn't help that the narrative jumps between present and past, which slows the main narrative down tremendously. I ended up skipping ahead, and I don't think the love interest shows up until chapter 5 or 6 (and these aren't short chapters).
I'm sure towards the end of the work, the two would have found love and created something beautiful, but the journey would have been too painful for me. I think the first few paragraphs contained one description which was already pretty much a deal-breaker for me: one of the side characters had been forcibly operated so she had an extra "hole" in her chest for her partner to fuck on stage. I wanted to believe that I was misinterpreting that line, imagining something worse than it actually was. I kept reading because I told myself it was just one small detail and the rest would be fine. But no, the tone continued in that vein. Everything was unpleasant. Every good thing was marred with the knowledge that it would turn bad. (Really, really not what I wanted to be reading while on my vacation... good thing I had loaded up my kindle with some other works as well.)
If you want something extremely dark and "artsy," this might be for you. But if you're expecting something similar as Rock's previous works... well, you'll probably be disappointed.
*Edit: The Amazon page doesn't include the warning that this one does, "not a genre romance" -- I probably wouldn't have bought it in the first place if I had seen that.
August 13, 2016
5 STARS
This was just another amazing J.A. Rock novel. This incredible tale is written brilliantly, yet this is by no means a nice book. Trigger Warnings The MC's paths are quickly, yet sadly set in stone from the beginning. Like oil and water, never shall the twain meet, yet they do.
No matter how tiny the particles might become at times, they repel each other. It's akin to watching the two forces after being violently agitated in a glass jar, they initially muddy yet never connect, can't connect as it's impossible and divergence rapidly sorts out the balance of nature at it's nastiest. The oil is always left smothering the water beneath it.
It's also important to mention that ALL THE OTHER characters in this extraordinary UF/dystopian story are crucial to this book. Another J.A Rock novel I loved but just have no words to describe it with the passion it inspired in me.
This was just another amazing J.A. Rock novel. This incredible tale is written brilliantly, yet this is by no means a nice book. Trigger Warnings The MC's paths are quickly, yet sadly set in stone from the beginning. Like oil and water, never shall the twain meet, yet they do.
No matter how tiny the particles might become at times, they repel each other. It's akin to watching the two forces after being violently agitated in a glass jar, they initially muddy yet never connect, can't connect as it's impossible and divergence rapidly sorts out the balance of nature at it's nastiest. The oil is always left smothering the water beneath it.
It's also important to mention that ALL THE OTHER characters in this extraordinary UF/dystopian story are crucial to this book. Another J.A Rock novel I loved but just have no words to describe it with the passion it inspired in me.
April 13, 2020
This book is beautiful and sad, full of darkness and hope. It isn’t the happy romance that I usually read as escapism, but it’s one that will stick with me for a long time and makes me think about love in all of its forms. JA Rock is an incredible storyteller.
Read
March 29, 2020Dnf'ed about 3%. This looks great, but I don't think we're in the mood to handle gritty and depressing right now. Will retry in happier times.
September 25, 2021
very Intense
I almost felt like I was on HAZE reading this! This was an amazing book. I admire creative people who can create a world on a page.
I almost felt like I was on HAZE reading this! This was an amazing book. I admire creative people who can create a world on a page.
March 10, 2016
This is a somewhat rangy, slightly overwritten but frequently wonderful piece of work. Even though the plot revolves around a sex circus, there is precious little sex, graphic or otherwise. This is not altogether in its favor considering it’s the dystopian world of the x rated circus and its bizarre inhabitants that compel the story. Pleanty happens on other levels, however, to keep the pages turning. Not only is the writing excellent, as we’ve come to expect from this author, but she delivers us a complex and thoughly likeable MC that the reader longs to see happy. The road he navigates from innocence to worldly is a long one, but definitely worth taking with him.
Read
September 20, 2015*DNF*
(46%)
I really like the premise and I was so sure I would love this book but the constant flashbacks and shifts between present and past just ruined it. I'm SO frustrated!
July 5, 2015
This was delicious!
September 3, 2015
3.5 stars
August 20, 2015
It was so full of crazy that you couldn't help but love it.
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