I Want My Epidural Back: Adventures in Mediocre Parenting – Honest Stories and Hilarious Observations on Raising Kids

by Karen Alpert

Now that I’m a mom, I know the most painful part isn’t getting something giant through your hooha. It’s having a real live child.

If you are the kind of mom who shapes your kiddo’s organic quinoa into reproductions of the Mona Lisa, do not read this book. If you stayed up past midnight to create posters for your PTO presidential campaign, do not read this book. If you look down your nose at parents who have Domino’s pizza on speed dial, do not read this book.

But if you are the kind of parent who accidentally goes ballistic on your rugrats every morning because they won’t put their shoes on and then you feel super guilty about it all day so you take them to McDonald’s for a special treat but really it’s because you opened up your freezer and panicked because you forgot to buy more frozen pizzas, then absolutely read this book.

I Want My Epidural Back is a celebration of mediocre parents and how awesome they are and how their kids love them just as much as children with perfect parents. Karen Alpert’s honest but hilarious observations, stories, quips and pictures will have you nodding your head and peeing in your pants. Or on the toilet if you’re smart and read it there.

Genres: Nonfiction, Humor, Parenting, Memoir, Adult, Comedy, Audiobook

309 pages, Hardcover

First published April 12, 2016

Reviews

[Alissa Patrick · Rating 4 out of 5]

I mean sometimes with all the Pinterest-y posts and Facebook brags I see out there, I feel like I must be the worst parent on earth. But then I look around and I see all of you guys hanging out in your elastic waistband pants and dirty minivans and greasy ponytails and I'm like, ohhhh, there are so many of us mediocre parents!! Which makes US the normal ones. Yayyy!! Power in numbers!

Parenting is hard. And friggin scary. All of these parenting books are thrown at you and recommended for you and you have to decide on what you will do to ensure you keep a tiny human alive. Breast or bottle? Make your own baby food or jarred baby food? Cloth or disposable? And then you become a parent and you're thrown into this community of other parents. If you're lucky like I am, you find an internet village of other mothers who are supportive and amazing and whom you would have never made it past year one without them (Hi Kim! Hi Heather!). But sometimes most of the time you are thrown into the Mommy Wars, where you are judged for every. single. thing you do. And guess what? you're wrong on all of it!! You have royally screwed up your kid for life because everything that you are doing is wrong, completely wrong. So what do you do about it? You grab a glass of wine and laugh about it. Why? Because you are not alone.

Karen Alpert is best known for her motherhood blog Baby Sideburns. If you aren't following her on Facebook and Instagram already please do. Whether you're a mother or a soon to be mother or a human being who needs to laugh, she's wonderful. When I have awful days where I feel like I'm totally a shitty mom, she's there to point out that so is she. So is a lot of parents. We all suck. So let's start supporting each other's suckiness.

[Teri · Rating 2 out of 5]

I need to remember to not read these types of books in long stretches, because I end up not enjoying them as much as I could. While great if you are just picking it up to read a bit for a laugh here and there, I found the constant derogatory pet names that the author used to refer to her children grating. I understand and identify with many of the situations the author talks about as a parent, and even appreciate the humour in those moments, the constant foul language and insults to children and other parents just got on my nerves. In the future, I will make sure to only read these sorts of books in small doses.

Oh, and for pity's sake... 'anyways' is NOT a word!

[Aimen · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book came up as an option for one of the best books of the year and it was just so hard for me to read without cringing. This author uses way too much profanity and "OMG"s. Try hard much? Anyways, some of the content was managable but overall pessimistic. I feel bad for her kids and I know there is a whole portion of the book dedicated to people who judge her parenting methods but I don’t recall my parents having to cope with picky eaters, my siblings peeing on their carpets, or begging for iPads and iPhones. Heck, I feel bad for the other parents around her who are constantly being put down because she thinks their practical parenting styles are "douchey" (at least more effective then hers, obviously). I don’t know. I’m not a parent but maybe she shouldn’t have been on either

[Liz · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is one of those books that every mother of young kids needs to read at least part of, just for the feelings of solidarity that come with it. That said, I think that there are other books in this genre that fit the bill better - this one felt just a little too crude and sloppy to me. There were some parts that were laugh-out-loud funny, but some parts just left me cringing and grimacing. It felt like a book made up entirely of Facebook updates - the chapters are suuuper short, mostly full of anecdotes in her life, without much else to it. It was ok. Not great, not terrible. Pretty profane. Eh.

[Mary-anne · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was cute. I really enjoyed the beginning and all of the stories. I got bogged down toward the end mostly because I could no longer identify with her reasons.

[Lyneidas · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a funny book. Don't be thrown off by my four stars; I am cantankerous and only give that to things I think might possibly become classic literature, and having taken a number of classes from an English department, it is quite clear that Mark Twain is the only funny person ever to break into that list. But digressions aside, this is a good book for moms who have small children. Moms know that kids are most lovable when they are sleeping, and you can read books like this which remind you that in between getting in trouble for tickling their sister, driving their cars loudly in the kitchen, and informing you with great big tears that the toenail they refused to let you cut has broken when they stubbed their toe on the step stool they weren't supposed to leave in the kitchen, that they are actually adorable people you really want around. Sometimes you need the reminder.

Disclosure: I received an advance copy. You can't actually read the whole the same day you get it because you might wind up spending the whole day in the bathroom with the door locked dreading the time your children, who are knocking on the door asking for things, will demand to know the poop joke that you were laughing at. They may even try some on you to see whether they got the right one. It's better to take this in 5-minute stages. There is one sad chapter but it's true, so it's good that it is out of the way early.

[lauren · Rating 3 out of 5]

pretty funny mom book. i could relate to so much of it, but cringed at the frequent use of the word "hubby".

[Teena in Toronto · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm a childfree (by choice) and I haven't spent a lot of time around children (I've never ever changed a diaper ... and I'm okay with that). So I'm not sure why I picked up this book as it's about parenting ... but I'm glad I did as I found it hilarious.

The author is 40ish, married and has two young children. The book covers a lot of topics and the chapters are:

* Be the best damn mediocre parent you can be
* Tell those overachieving moms to suck it
* You want to watch my child? Bwhahahahahahaha!! Oh wait, you're serious
* And for dinner I gave my kids an eating disorder
* Here an orifice, there an orifice, everywhere an orifice orifice
* I tried the crying it out method ... I'm still crying
* How the F to entertain your rugrats when you have nothing to do
* My hubby is awesome (but not as awesome as me)
* Teach your douchenugget to be less douchey and more nuggety
* Awwww sh!t, whatta you mean they grow up?

I enjoyed the writing style and found it very conversational. The author shares her personal experiences of being a wife and raising her children and includes pictures. I think she would be a hoot to hang out with and have a glass of wine (or two or three) with. As a head's up, there is swearing and adult subject matter.

If you are looking for a serious book about being a mother and wife, this isn't it. If you are looking for a book you can relate to as a "real" mom and wife, you should check it out ... she exaggerates so please don't take it too seriously.

Blog review post: http://www.teenaintoronto.com/2018/05...

[Dana Rechtzigel · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s a funny book but I think I would have liked it better if:
1-i had listened to it on audiobook -I think you lose some of the humor when reading this
2-I was in this parenting stage. With 2 college kids and reading about kids who are in kindergarten and preschool, I remember those times, but this didn’t seem nearly as funny as it would have if I were in this same stage of parenting.

It’s a quick, entertaining and funny read and very light-hearted. Although I think the lack of a storyline also made it hard for me to engage with this book (because I had to convince myself to read it every day for book club), there are some pages that are lol funny.

[Lola · Rating 2 out of 5]

A few chapters in, I planned to write a bad review. However, once I finished it, I had a smile on my face and found that I had laughed out loud more than I expected. That said, the writing itself isn’t great, and I got really tired of the crude language (how many times can you end a sentence with “and sh*t” in one half page?) and constantly referring to one’s children as crotchmuffins or crotchfruit or douchenuggets. I most took issue with the chapter about Newtown. It felt out of place and jarring and irreverent. And too much poop talk. It made me feel sick. I was going to give it 2 stars originally, but for some really good laughs and relatable experiences, 2.5.

[Staci · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought I'd give Karen Alpert another chance with I Want My Epidural Back, but unfortunately, it didn't resonate with me. The humor felt forced and crude, with more emphasis on complaining than delivering genuinely funny anecdotes. While some readers might appreciate the raw, unfiltered approach to parenting, I found the constant use of derogatory nicknames for children and the overuse of profanity off-putting. It didn't offer the lighthearted relief I was hoping for, and instead, it left me feeling more irritated than entertained

[Susan · Rating 3 out of 5]

An entertaining, yet lacking depth, book on being an ok mom/ pointing out all the things that suck about motherhood. Basically, the entire book is exactly like reading a decent mommy blog straight through- which is fine. Alpert is funny, though not the best writer, and her parenting stories are amusing and fun. Nothing spectacular, but an easy, fun mom read.

[Josephine Burks · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was funny and relatable. I didn’t like the line about “being scalped by Native Americans” that didn’t add any value to the book at all.

[Kristin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this fast read, as my child is currently in the toddler stage and I can identify with so many things the author wrote about.

I'm rating this book 4 out of 5 stars only because I wasn't itching to get back to reading it as I would a 5 out of 5 personal rating.

[Connie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Karen describes herself as a mediocre parent, but I found her to be very human, normal, and a good parent. She describes all of those times when children try our very souls. The different age groups and the problems with each are situations that Moms, young and old, can understand. I’m a grandmother and I found myself laughing hysterically.

Remember how kids won’t eat their vegetables no matter how you try to disguise them?

Remember how they won’t eat something on their plate if it touches something else on their place?

Remember leaving them at school on the first day and they screamed bloody murder and you felt like a worm?

Remember taking the kids to a public bathroom? You’re trying to keep them from all those nasty things and they end up filthy anyway. Oh yuk!

Karen runs the whole gamut from feeding her kids fast food and pizzas to cleaning up barf when the kids puke on you. And - oh - there is so much more.

I don’t know when I have had such a good laugh when reading a book. It’s a fairly quick read and one you will certainly enjoy. Don’t try to read it if the kiddies are napping because you will surely wake them up with your laughter.

[Holly]

"But if you are the kind of parent who accidentally goes ballistic on your rugrats every morning because they won’t put their shoes on and then you feel super guilty about it all day so you take them to McDonald’s for a special treat but really it’s because you opened up your freezer and panicked because you forgot to buy more frozen pizzas, then absolutely read this book."

Ha! Yes. I must read this book.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

If anything else, the reader will leave this book feel like maybe she isn't the worst mother of all time. Not that Karen Alpert is either. She tells of the upsides and downsides of parenting and all the fun in between. By turns colorful and slightly bizarre, Alpert's writing is humble, fun, and loving. Because at the end of the day, parenting IS all about love. RIGHT?

[Britt, Book Habitue · Rating 3 out of 5]

received for review

While parts were admittedly laugh-out-loud funny, I just didn't enjoy this nearly as much as I wanted to. The language (rude, crude, profane...) grated and though there's a section on women supporting each other and being on the same team, several "jokes" just felt mean and judgy towards other moms.
Rounding up from 2.5 stars

[Shannan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book for any mother whose children are still very much at home. This book is especially good to read in bed after a particularly hard day where you either want to laugh or cry. It is highly satirical, cynical, funny, irreverent - my kind of take on parenting. You just gotta laugh about the absurdity of it!!

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well guys, this book that should've taken me all of an hour to read took me a week. I'd like to say I don't know why, but that's untrue...children...work...life! It all just gets in the way sometimes. Hilarious book, by the way. If you're a mediocre mom like me who enjoys sarcasm, snark, and ridicule, then you'll love this one!

[Catherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you feel like life is too serious, please take a moment to read this book. I love Karen Alpert's blog Baby Sideburns, along with her other books, and this new book doesn't disappoint either. Good times, good times. If you find that you don't laugh, well then, we need to break up.

[Meredith Spidel · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's not just Alpert's incredible gift of humor--it's the heart and overarching message that "YOU ARE NORMAL" to all us warrioring moms that makes me fall in love with her words.

[Sandra · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hmmm. This started out funny, and I enjoyed the end, but the middle was just ehh. If it had been about 60 pages shorter and had about 20 fewer Callilou references my rating would have been higher.

[Charlie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fun

I don't have kids and I still enjoyed it! In fact, I had to bookmark a few places where I laughed out loud.

[Jonille Shepherd · Rating 1 out of 5]

all the bad Language was not necessary

[Moushmi Radhanpara · Rating 5 out of 5]

I want a rugrat. I want my own rugrat, like right now.

Okay not right now, maybe in the future? But maybe by then I will have changed my mind. Who is to tell. Maybe I will not even like kids anymore. But I digress. That is not the point. I digress because that is how much I loved the casual humour in the book about mediocre parenting.

Why was I reading a book on parenting? Scribd. Duh!

Okay so the thing about this book is I probably don't relate first hand, but then this is ecactly the kind of thing I have heard other moms say and think. Karen Alpert simply says it, and does she say it. I mean you can't just chuckle at every few pages and read something like that and not tell anyone, right. Reader mommies, no, mommies read. And Daddies, oh no no, Papa (Elizabeth Bennet style) go read. Like really read.

The book is full of shitty things that actually happens in real life and no one really knows how to solve these issues but I guess that exactly is parenting. And I think I am going to be something even lesser than a mediocre parent, if ever that is, but then I am also getting my kid sign a paper when they can't read and it is going to be exactly what Zoey had to sign.

With lots of love to Karen Alpert
From a friend (You asked for it, remember your acknowledgements, yes I read the acknowledgements too because I had nothing else to do)
Someone who does not understand parenting and still had fun when your kid threw a tantrum at the first day of school or when he threw up in the flight, or when he threw up on you and your husband won't get you the paper towels for like a gazillion years, or when you told us what kind of a husband to look for, yes, I am going to marry a taller person who is also a light sleeper so that they have to do more chores and wake up in the middle of the night while I snore like a bear.

[Elizabeth · Rating 3 out of 5]

*3.5 / 5*

I follow Karen Alpert on social media, so I was familiar with her style of writing and humor before I picked up this book. And I have to say, I WANT MY EPIDURAL BACK delivered exactly what I expected. It’s a light, fluffy, quick read (it took me just a couple of hours to get through, cover to cover) with lots of quirky doodles, plenty of white space, and just enough content to make you feel productive while you’re quickly flipping pages.

I can see how this book would rub a number of people the wrong way. Alpert pulls no punches about the difficulties of raising children, which is one of the things I really love about her - and this book! If you can relate to her unapologetically blunt parenting style, you’ll enjoy her truthful stories and appreciate that she doesn’t sugar-coat anything.

I laughed out loud a few times, which I have to admit I didn’t expect. I don’t typically find humorous essays very funny, but Alpert has a way of bringing her anecdotes to life that rings so true. The humor is never forced, but rather it comes across as authentic - and any mom currently in the little-kid-raising trenches will appreciate Alpert’s hilarious observations about life with children.

Overall, this is a quick, easy, funny read but without a ton of substance (which may be a good thing, depending on what you’re in the mood for). Recommended to Alpert’s current fans and any mom who doesn’t take herself too seriously.

[Wendy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Review originally published on my blog, Musings of a Bookish Kitty: http://www.literaryfeline.com/2017/09...

I Want My Epidural Back: Adventures in Mediocre Parenting by Karen Alpert
William Morrow, 2016
Nonfiction; 309 pgs

As someone who often considers myself a mediocre parent, I was quite eager to give Karen Alpert's book, I Want My Epidural Back, a try. Besides, as tough as parenting can be sometimes, it is necessary to find the humor in it. I don't often indulge in books like this, admittedly, but it sounded like fun. The author blogs at Baby Sideburns, a blog, I was not aware of before reading this book. I found the best way to read this one was in small doses, a section or two at a time in between the more serious books I was reading at the time. While there were some over the top moments in the book, overall, I found myself laughing and nodding along often. The chapter about becoming a Girl Scout Leader? I can relate! I've been known to wash all my clothes in cold water so I can do fewer loads of laundry. It's clear the author loves her children. While there is colorful language and a cringe-worthy nickname or two for her kids (it's probably just me), I found Alpert's book entertaining and relatable. I appreciate her honesty and humor.

[Zee Monodee · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book made me cringe ... It's no wonder that the title is what it is, because it was truly mediocre parenting being portrayed here. No, I'm not one of those mothers who thinks she did/does/will do everything perfectly, but seriously, some standards, right? I fear for the day her kids are grown and pick up this book (digital copy never go out of print!) and read about how she spoke of them, with all the swearing and vulgar, condescending at best and insulting at worst names she uses for them.
I also don't like this aspect that many of those mothers writing books or blogs about motherhood will take pride in the fact that their kids threw a tantrum in the middle of a store, or peed somewhere in public, or vomited all over them and they wore this vomit-strewn blouse everywhere for the rest of the day ... Yes, there are those days when you can't be bothered, but this kind of writing seems to make this the norm? I don't know - maybe it's a cultural thing?
Anyway, DNF before 25%. Just couldn't take the verbal abuse against those poor kids who seriously didn't know better than to act the way they did!

[Laura Gilligan · Rating 1 out of 5]

I only read a section of this book entitled ‘grandparents don’t do these things’. I found it utterly irritating and whilst I understand it is humour, the slant was quite disrespectful to parents/in-laws who kindly agree to care for their grandchildren for an extended period!
If you are lucky enough to have family willing to do this, presenting them with a list of do’s and don’ts is plain rude.
Alpert states do not allow them to watch tv for a week straight and then in a later point bans them from allowing children to play out with other children for the day! So sounds like she’d expect educationally entertaining activities planned throughout the week. Whilst in an ideal world this might be great, grandparents are not obliged to do this and may actually struggle to achieve this due to being older in age, having other commitments etc.
I think if you handed this list to any grandparent they would be seriously offended and would be in their right to tell you to shove their offer ‘where the sun don’t shine’.
Just annoying.