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248 pages, Unknown Binding
First published February 21, 2012
'W. was unimpressed by the regeneration of the quayside, with its so-called public art. Public art is invariably a form of marketing for property development, he says. It's inevitably a forerunner of gentrification.
W. is an enemy of art. We ought to fine artists rather than subsidise them, he says. They ought to be subject to systematic purges. He's never doubted we need some kind of Cultural Revolution. [...] In his imagination, W. says, a great army of Geordies storm along the river, smashing the public art and tearing down the new buildings.'
The roaring of the sea is like the roaring of my stupidity, W. says. It's a terrible sound, but a magnificent one, too. It's the sound of unlearning, he says. It's the sound of Lars, of the chaos that undoes every idea. (7)
W. takes his copy of Spinoza's Ethics from his man bag, the only thing you can do at times like this. —'Spinoza teaches you to affirm everything', W. says. 'Affirm, affirm, affirm, that's what Spinoza says'. But W. can't affirm the copy of National Enquirer I buy at the kiosk, nor the Twinkies I stuff into my mouth. Somehow I always stand in the way of his beatitude. (18)
But what would I know of all that? There's no tenderness in me, W. says. Lust, yes. A kind of animal craving. Foam on the lips. I'm like one of those monkeys in the zoo with an inflamed arse - what are they called? Oh yes, mandrills. I'm the mandrill of romance, W. says.
In the end, I excel at only three things, W. says: smut, chimp noises and made-up German. That's all my scholarship has amounted to.
Sometimes, in my company, W. feels like Jane Goodall, the one who did all that work with chimps.
Glee: that's what W. always sees on my face. That I'm still alive, that I can still continue, from moment to moment: that's enough for me, W. says. He supposes it has to be.When not insulting Lars, on the evidence of these two novels his primary activity, W. joins with Lars in a sparsely attended speaking engagement in America, founding a philosophical movement called Dogma which collects no followers, drinking with Lars in pubs and informing the working class blokes they find there about the imminent apocalypse, and fighting his university to avoid redundancy (one of the all time great Brit euphamisms, there). Lars, for his part, turns his attention from fighting the takeover of his flat by Damp to fighting the takeover of his flat by rats. And listening to Jandek. Lord help him.
The rumour is they’re going to close down all the humanities, every course. The college is going to specialise in sport instead. They’ve brought in a team of consultants to manage the redundancies, W. says.When not worrying about his future the two of them do what they do to fill their days. They go on a predictably unsuccessful lecture tour of America, decide on a new intellectual movement along the lines of Dogma95 and drink far too much.
Oh, some staff will be kept on, they’ve said that. The college needs some academic respectability. They’ll probably make him a professor of badminton ethics, W. says. He’ll probably be teaching shot put metaphysics …
First rule: Dogma is spartan.Apart from the first few the rules are added following (as if always the case with them) increasingly farcical presentations. The short-lived eleventh rule, for example, is proposed following this passage:
Second rule: Dogma is full of pathos.
Third rule: Dogma is sincere.
Fourth rule? Dogma is collaborative.
Fifth rule: Always write as though your ideas were world-historical.
Sixth rule: Always claim the ideas of others as your own.
Seventh rule: Dogma is personal. Always give examples from your own experience.
Eighth rule: Always speak of nuns, and dogs.
Ninth rule: Always use Greek terms that you barely understand.
Tenth rule: The Dogmatist must always be drunk.
Eleventh rule (a very short-lived rule): Dogma is sober. Especially sober!
Twelfth rule: Dogma is clear.
Thirteenth rule: Dogma is fundamentally democratic.
Fourteenth rule: Dogma is reticent.
Fifteenth rule: Dogma is studious.
Sixteenth rule: Dogma is apocalyptic.
Seventeenth rule: Dogma is advocative!
Eighteenth rule: Dogma is peripheral.
Nineteenth rule: Dogma is affirmative.
Twentieth rule: Dogma is experimental. More rules can be added, but only through the experience of Dogma.
Our eighth Dogma presentation, our first overseas, we gave drunk, hopelessly drunk, and were almost completely incoherent. Only one person attended our ninth, so we went to the pub instead. For our tenth, we drank steadily through our presentation, cracking open can after can.Finally they end up presenting things to each other. If it all feels a bit like a philosophical Withnail and I then you’re on the right track. Comparisons to Beckett (particularly the abusive relationship of Hamm and Clov) are inevitable too; W. says the nastiest thing to Lars who never seems to bat and eye not that he ever gets a word in. But really they mirror so many double acts. Jay and Silent Bob are another pair that jumps to mind. Alfred Hickling in The Guardian called them “the Abbott and Costello of arcane thought” and that works too.
The Dogmatist must always be drunk, that’s the next rule, W. says. Drunk: yes, of course. We used to think drunkenness might come after thought, might follow a successful presentation, a fruitful discussion. But now we understand that drunkenness belongs to thought. In the current madness, close to the end, who can bear the thoughts that must be thought? Who can bear it—the coming end?
You have to drink, we agree. Drink to think; drink to present the results of thought. It’s a discipline, we decide. You have to start early and continue, steadily. We owe it to ourselves. No: we owe it to thought!
But for our eleventh presentation, we drank too much. W. was sick in the toilets before we started. I was green faced. Green lipped! Never again, he says.
W. takes me aside before we get back in the car. I should talk more, W. says. I should try and engage with our hosts!This book won’t be for everyone—nor is their taste in music (I’d never heard of the outsider musician Jandek before reading thing and he’s definitely an acquired taste)—but I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it and there were several passages I wished I’d written. (Mostly I just wished I created these two.) I do expect I’ll read the final book in the trilogy some time but I think this is a guy you need to take a break from between books.
Ah, why have I never learnt to talk?, he wonders. Why has it always been left to him, when we’re in company, to speak for both of us? For long periods, I’m mute, thinking of God knows what, W. says. I’m like some great block of stupidity. Like some great stupid Easter Island statue …