Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

by Linda Martinez-Lewi

Combining clinical analysis with psychological profiles of famous narcissists, here is an indispensable guide to recognizing, coping with, and ultimately overcoming the destructive behavior of narcissists.

Everybody needs some healthy narcissism. But in a society obsessed with appearance, wealth, and status, it's easy for problematic narcissists to thrive. Many people who seem to "have it all" are suffering from one of the most common--and overlooked--personality disorders of our high level narcissism. Typified by an obsession with perfection, a desperate need for admiration, and a willingness to use and exploit others for personal gain, high level narcissism can spell devastation for anyone who crosses the narcissist's path.

In Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life , psychotherapist Linda Martinez-Lewi presents an in-depth and supportive plan for identifying, understanding, and dealing with high level narcissistic behavior in those close to you. Martinez-Lewi helps you to liberate yourself from draining personal relationships with narcissists, and shows how to regain a sense of peace, balance, and well-being.

Drawing on detailed profiles of famous narcissists, including Pablo Picasso, Frank Lloyd Wright, Armand Hammer, and Ayn Rand, as well as expertly rendered case studies from her private practice as a psychotherapist, Martinez-Lewi shows how

- understand where narcissistic behavior comes from;
- learn to spot narcissistic traits, even in the early stages of relationships;
- realize why attempting to change a narcissist is fruitless; and
- protect yourself from the narcissist's opportunism, manipulative behavior, and lack of empathy.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships

256 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2008

Reviews

[Dee Vasquez · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW This book describes in detail my ex husband. sadly, I never knew about Narcissistic personality disorder and will RUN not walk to the nearest exit as this is not a person you ever want near to you. read and be awakened. knowledge is power!

[Michael · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book reads more like a book of poetry on narcissism, and - like the very narcissists under discussion - is not really there to help you but instead to drown you in dramatic flair:

"The narcissist is emotionally blocked and cold, like the deepest recesses of a long-deserted tomb. Life's warm persistent breath has no residence here. No birdsong or soothing wind enters this frozen emptiness."

Yes, the whole book is like that. I suppose this type of flowery language could be useful for someone who wants to get the "flavor" of narcissism, or for someone looking for validation of how it feels to be in relationships with narcissists on an emotional level. But this book lacks the concrete examples and practical tips that make "freeing yourself" possible, and it fails to provide the "in-depth and supportive plan" promised on the book's cover. The most practical suggestion seems to be "Hatha yoga", and the author spends much of the book talking about meditation and instructing us on its practice. I can see that having a firm sense of self and being grounded will help when dealing with narcissistic behavior, but the instructional details would be better left to the million other books out there on meditation, and the space used instead to present some other plans of action.

A good deal of the descriptions of narcissistic people in this book focus on public figures (e.g. Picasso, Ayn Rand), and while this made the examples more titillating perhaps, it also made them more vague because they are second-hand anecdotes about people that are a part of history. The occasional clinical examples that the author actually knew first-hand were more relevant, but even these were strangely vague and unhelpful:

"The following vignette describes a successful resolution... ... Shelley stood up for herself professionally and personally... Debra (the narcissist) precipitously fired Shelley... [Shelley's] career [now] flourishes..."

So besides meditation, the other technique is to get yourself fired and become an independent entrepreneur. This may actually be freeing, but it certainly is not an option for everyone, and doesn't really seem to get to the heart of the problem. I would recommend seeking out more practical books on coping with narcissistic people if you do indeed want to free yourself from the narcissist in your life.

[Julie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'd rather keep the narcissists than finish reading this book. Open to any page and find:

"The narcissist is predatory. Like a hawk in the distant sky, he circles and then suddenly swoops down to snatch his unsuspecting prey. [more of the same...:] All narcissistic personalities are cruel and sadistic. The perpetrator of treachery has murderous intentions."

This book constantly refers to narcissists as "he," and seems to give them too much credit and power. Murderous intentions? Not exactly, just really really needy.

[Sophie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This very good book provides descriptions and examples to identify narcissist individuals and helps readers deal with narcissists behavior.

In today's society it is important to be able to recognize and cope with these people and this book has solutions in order to protect ourselves from the opportunistic people.

[Christiana · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not what I was looking for. I want a book that helps me understand what a narcissist is, who is one, how to spot them. I want a short quiz I can apply to people to that I meet.

This book comes across as a rant from someone who's feelings were hurt too many times when their assigned dinner companion didn't make small talk with them.

[Teresa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have learned quite a bit from this book, however I learned more from Sam Vaknin's Malignant Self Love.

[Kelley · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not helpful at all. Shallow and repetitive.

[Pearlie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I discovered about this disorder after encountering a person whose behaviour I thought was very unacceptable and yet so intriguing. I did some study and searched for some information based on some tell tale signs and ended up concluding that the person is with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I found this book and thought it will provide me with a good introduction to what it really is and ways that I can manage and handle it. As much as the book was informative to a certain degree, I was not satisfied with the author's approach in handling it, which is yoga and meditation, and that took quite a considerable section of the book.

She has the right to say and propose whatever she wants to but at least be opened about it in the description of the book. Not everyone believes or can participate, or want to for that matter, in yoga and Buddhist meditation.

[Laura · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had high hopes for this book and bought it with the intention of learning more about a person in my life. Although it did offer good insight into why this person is the way she is, that was it! The supposed advice for those dealing with the narcissistic person was to be true to yourself, be strong and meditate. That's it. That the advice in the next to the last chapter of this book. The last chapter goes off on a Buddhist based belief spiritual tangent and then ends abruptly. Like an after thought. Although I did glean a few things from this book, I would NOT recommend it to anyone that is dealing with a narcissistic person. It would be better to do your own research online and seek out others who have dealt with such a person.

[Jennie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I hate the writing style. It's too much "Boo-hoo, the narcissists in your life is so evil that he--it's somehow always a he--will purposely do this to you to ruin your life." It reads like a story of complaints against narcissists. With a title like "Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life," I expected the book to much more helpful than it actually is. Instead, it's as if the author herself is narcissistic about her knowledge about narcissists ("I know this much about narcissists, and I know so-and-so is a narcissist because of these examples.") and her flowery style of writing (see other reviewers' excerpts from the book on this).

[Liza · Rating 1 out of 5]

Literally she is writing the same thing over and over again and she rambles through The whole book. It reads like a high school project where the thesauraus was left wide open the whole time. She has no understanding of the psychosis, gives very superficial explanations and her anecdotes are awful. She goes into the history of some writers and artists but it has nothing to do with what she's trying to say.

Awful.... awful.... awful writing. I didn't really finish it. Got halfway through and skimmed the rest. I would have given this zero stars.

[Mohammad Al-Bahar · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a great material to read to understand the behavior, character, insights, and how to handle the narcissistic in your life, it gives you an insight about their behavior, as well as explaining the depth of their actions and what the main purpose behind it, a must read if you have a narcissistic person in your life that have turned your world upside down.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book when you really need help beginning to understand what makes a narcissist tick & how you should handle it. I would've given it a 5 but my narcissists keep coming back, just kidding. I found it didn't cover the different types of narcissists well so you may be dealing with a narcissist who doesn't fit the traits listed in the book. This book seemed to focus on one type of N, someone more easily spotted & therefore easier to handle. It's the ones who are so stealth you can't even tell he/she is a narcissist despite extensive research. Those are also the ones who'll typically be more difficult to predict & can be very tricky to handle. However, there's a wealth of information that can be found in google searches if you feel you're dealing with a more covert narcissist. The book is helpful whether you're in a relationship with a narcissist, it's a family member or someone you have to deal with on the job. I have probably read it twice & often refer back to certain chapters as I need to. I did find some information lacking, I think it really isn't helpful without additional information if like me, you've grown up with 2 narcissists (one overt so this book describes him well but the other is covert and harder to detect), abuse (which goes hand in hand with N), & a parent who is co-dependent or aides/abets the behavior. Growing up surrounded by it, I really don't know healthy boundaries, what is "normal" & when to cut off the relationship completely. It is a wonderful book, don't get me wrong. I just believe I may have a bit of a complicated case & if you're in a situation like mine I'd highly recommend that you read the book in cohesion with seeking therapy & reading as much other stuff you can find on the internet. The internet information provided a lot of andecdotal stories from people who have had to go thru lifelong exposure to narcissists & how they've chosen to deal with those relationships. The book along with the amount of websites & blogs dedicated to the subject & the stories helped me realize that I was definitely not alone!

[J · Rating 4 out of 5]

These days narcissist includes just about everyone in your life. What a petulant, entitled society the U.S. has become! Interesting Ayn Rand has her own section devoted just to her. Too bad some of our politician's who believe she is The Way haven't read her as a clinical study.

[Truitti · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read it through, but read the chapters that I need for a booster. LOL

[M. Stafford · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rather bluntly written, but full of information which for most human beings is almost impossible to comprehend. Yet there are such people in the world. Sadly.

[Hope Maynard · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this book. After dating a narcissist and surviving the abuse. I feel that I am now prepared on how to deal with them, should I ever encounter another one. I hope that never happens.

[Jake Sherlock · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book begins with fire and brimstone, describing in extremely negative terms the features of narcissistic individuals and their personalities, going into gory detail of the kinds of abuse every single person who has ever even briefly interacted with a narcissist has suffered. I believe this is the author attempting to use shock therapy, or trying to 'scare straight' readers who may be in the mindset of 'saving' their narcissistic loved one- Instead, she wants them to simply jump ship.

The rhetoric used, though, is rather disgusting and dehumanizes a real class of people suffering from a mental disorder that affects every single relationship that they have- as the book describes. That Linda Martinez-Lewi is a family councilor/psychotherapist and yet holds this kind of hatred for what surely must be a great number of those coming to her for help is alarming.

In terms of content, the book is heavily concerned with describing the people with these traits, physically, mentally, speculating on their family histories (helicopter mommies who plan their child's life to a T are not only creating narcissists, but narcissists themselves!) This mostly takes the form of flowery prose interspersed with barely relevant testimonials from those who have survived narcissistic abuse.

Additionally distasteful are the author's multiple rants against anti-aging and plastic surgery. While I agree that it is a net negative to society that people feel pressured and so scared of growing older naturally that they feel they must have these procedures done, it's really nobody's business but the person buying into them at the end of the day. If we are not the masters of our bodies, then who is? Multiple times the author suggests that physical beauty and the strive to gain or retain it is a sign of a dangerous narcissist.

If we removed the biographical and repeated content from this book, it would be perhaps 50 pages. Those 50 pages may be useful to someone trapped in a cycle of narcissistic abuse who simply must be told that they need to get out before the cycle resets, and they may find the testimonials at the front of the book helpful. For those looking for information on the illness and the individuals who suffer from it, who are not demons from hell or vultures circling for dead meat, it is woefully inadequate and sets back massively the need for understanding and uh, EMPATHY, that narcissistic individuals need to recover- Something that the book argues is impossible in the first place.

The final section of the book contains some techniques one could apply to escape this cycle of abuse: Meditation, self-assurance, and leaving their narcissistic relationship (whatever kind of relationship that might be). Basically, your only hope of dealing with the narcissist is to remove them from your life and do the self-work to patch the hole that they leave. The techniques offered here seem... inadequate.

[Kelly Christensen · Rating 4 out of 5]

We have promoted Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D, on our pages for several years, her blog, then more recently her still relatively new YouTube Channel. We also promoted her a few years ago from her Google page when it was still active. We have always enjoyed her straightforward, no nonsense, and most of all, forthcoming, honest style, and this book is no exception.

Dr. Martinez-Lewi is a clinical expert on the narcissistic personality, and in this book she gives many examples of behavior through accounts of individuals, including but certainly not limited to: Pablo Picasso, Armand Hammer, Ayn Rand, and Frank Lloyd Wright.

However, we were a little surprised to find Buddha primarily, but also other, mostly Eastern religions, sprinkled throughout the book, more concentrated at the end, and chanting, as well as focusing on the third eye, and the use of mantras, promoted along with the encouraged meditation.

While a Christian reader is probably not going to appreciate this aspect of the book, coining Jesus among "universal masters," "like Buddha...great yogis, and lamas..." may be overtly offensive. While Buddha and such may be mentioned here and there throughout the book, as "illumination" or psychological suggestion, this aspect does not become real concentrated until about the tenth and last chapter of the book. Insofar as psychological suggestion, we fully respect Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi as the licensed clinical expert. Insofar as it intersects with or contradicts Christianity, we are Christians.

The first nine chapters of the book are full of validation and clear, articulate information and insight for those dealing with narcissistic personalities, and the tenth chapter may be as well for the non-Christian. The Christian keeping in mind that Eastern religions are generally deemed false religions, with Christianity being the only religion not based on works.

So, while it may present as benevolent, making mention of various faiths, to present Jesus among prophets, good men, or in this case "universal masters," Jesus was either who He said He was and is, or He was a liar and a fraud. One cannot pick and choose what He said, or who He claims to be, the Son of God, and "no one comes to the Father except through Me." So, while it is sometimes presented as such, as common ground, to name Jesus among prophets, or in this case less so as "universal masters," it is not.

[Sahar Karmostaji · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book has a lot of good info about the Narcissist and how to deal with it… however the writer has written in a way where she has painted the narcissist in a very bad light… in my opinion they didn’t choose to be like that, certain environmental & parenting factors have resulted in who they have become, most of the time they even lack awareness to be able to fix it … imagine if a teenager reading that book has a narcissist parent, instead of focusing on how to deal with that parent & draw healthy boundaries they will actually resent them & maybe even cut all relationships

[Jodie Pine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful in helping me to grow in understanding.

"Relationships with narcissists stretch our psychological stamina. We can react to them with feelings of constant embattlement, or we can choose to use these interactions to become more steadfast, less emotionally reactive. Encounters of this kind invite us to flex our growing muscles of consciousness. A narcissist becomes a 'gift' that presents us with opportunities for becoming more awake."

[Sadie Wright · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you want to learn about the narcissistic personality and how not to fall into their traps if you have to deal with one, this is the book for you. It explains the personality well, where it comes from and discusses persons in history who had the disorder. A useful book, especially in this day and age. Recommended for those curious about the subject as well as those who may have dealt with such a person.

[Charlotte Falkner · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first half of the book is solid gold. 90% of the second half is the same thing over and over. The last 10% is great stuff about meditation, which seemingly doesn't quite fit with the rest of the book but the author offers it as a way to gain self knowledge and deal with narcissists.

[Christine · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not as helpful as other books on the subject

[Mimi · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is:
90% - “Narcissists are assholes”
10% - “Go be Buddhist about it”

[Mary Ellen · Rating 3 out of 5]

a few tidbits

[Ashley Terrell · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wish I read this book three years ago. Very informative . This is a good book to read should you want an intro guide into narcissism.

[Ioana · Rating 1 out of 5]

The world according to Linda


Have to admit I had no high hopes when picking the book and was not entranced by the promise to "find solution for living my life away from the toxic magnetism of narcissists"...

The whole structure of the book is punctured by these awful "sketches" of these annoying Pointland dwellers (narcissists) that (what!) are clinical cases. Linda shows no consideration for her readership whatsoever, as she spews no less than 47 (!) such cases within this 268 pages book. As a wise reader noticed, it would be better to "keep the narcissists than finish reading the book."
Frankly, I haven't read so much stories in one volume since the Arabian Nights, but I was nine back then and full of hope and trust in humanity.

Who could forget braindead Robert, the guy that asks his barber to cut his white hairs one by one and is purposely late because he read in some worthless self aid book that this will make him more "alpha"? (I could.) We pause here to laugh at this comic twist, but not for long. Linda goes on and on with a plethora of equally hopefully imaginary cases that superbly manage to disjoint the point she is trying to make ("to not judge, remain calm and empathic" etc) later on.

The good and rare passages of the book like those on empathy and emotional development of the children in relation with the mother/narcissistic parent are immured within the wall of cold garbage the "author" decided to regurgitate over and over and ugh, over again. Linda finds value in presenting (not very subtle) a juxtaposed highly deluded vision: emphatic creatures that relentlessly search for the truth and the impossible narcissists that have the emotional depths of an abandoned grave (her words).
All in all, great lesson on how not to write a book and a good opportunity to reminisce the words of G.K. Chesterton: "A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author". I spent more hours with nagging Linda than I would have ever wanted to.

[Kavish · Rating 3 out of 5]

Does not offer clear insight or ways about how to treat the toxic person in your life and get rid of him/her.But contains a few words of wisdom.