Darling, so good to see you! How was Monte Carlo?
Oh, just delightful. I mean, this is turn-of-the-century France and I'm a woman, so I got to watch people have fun. It was great. So what did I miss while I was gone?
Oh my god, I have to tell you the news. You know Gaston Lachaille?
The sugar heir? I'd like him to give me some sugar, if you know what I mean.
No, shut up, I have the best worst news ever. He's getting married.
Married? So his mistress finally locked that down. Good for her.
It's even better than that. Okay, so apparently Gaston's been hanging around this poor family for like, ever--
Ew, why?
I'm not totally clear on that, but I'm like 99% sure that Gaston's dad used to bang the mom and the aunt - they used to be courtesans.
Gaston Lachaille is friends with a family of former hookers?
Yeah, he goes over there and has tea and coos over how adorable their poverty is, it sounds awesome. Anyway, so there's a daughter...
Holy shit, NO.
I'M NOT EVEN AT THE BEST PART. So apparently the mom and the aunt have been training this girl to be a courtesan for Gaston--
How sweet. If this wine wasn't so expensive I'd throw it up.
Right? Anyway, Gaston was like, "yes thanks, wrap her up, I'll take her to go" and the girl was like, "um, I'm not cool with this" and so he proposed instead.
Huh. That is like the opposite of "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."
So now Gaston Lachaille is marrying the girl who was supposed to be his mistress. Me and the other girls have a betting pool going - I've given them six months.
Is that the best part?
No, this is: guess how old she is?
Oh Jesus. Okay, he's...what, thirty?
Thirty-three. She's fifteen.
Holy shit.
Did I mention he's known her since she was a baby, and considered her a little kid until like, two days ago when he suddenly noticed she got boobs? And she calls him "Tonton"?
Wow. So what are the odds she's had any kind of sex ed?
Hard to say. I mean, her entire family is courtesans, so I can't imagine they're shy about discussing the facts of life. But on the other hand, when they pitched the idea of her being Gaston's mistress, she used the phrase "I'd sleep in your bed" to describe the situation. So it's equally likely she'll have a heart attack the first time he takes his pants off.
Well, mazel tov, I guess. You said you had six months in the betting pool?
Yep.
Put me down for three.