The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions: Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT

by Cedar R. Koons, Marsha M. Linehan (Foreword)

The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions offers breakthrough, new mindfulness skills and exercises drawn from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to help you move past harmful emotions. If you suffer from intense emotions, you are not alone. Millions of Americans are diagnosed with emotion regulation disorders, such as borderline personality disorder (BPD) and other comorbid conditions like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and severe depression. Developed by Marsha Linehan, DBT is a clinically proven, evidence-based treatment for intense emotions that can help you start feeling better right away. This is the first consumer-friendly book to offer Linehan’s new mindfulness skills to help you take control of your emotions, once and for all. In this book, you’ll learn seven powerful skills that highlight the unique connection between mindfulness and emotion regulation. Each skill is designed to help you find focus in the present moment, reduce impulsive behavior, and increase a sense of connection to your true self, even during times of extreme stress or difficulty. You can feel calmer, more grounded, and centered. If you’re ready, the mindfulness practices in this book will help you move away from a chaotic, emotion-driven life and cultivate a focused, intentional one.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Mental Health, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Mental Illness, Health

288 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 2016

Reviews

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I never get tired of learning about mindfulness and Buddhist psychology. Much of my professional success with clients (from all walks of life and with a whole range of diagnoses) has come from passing on basic mindfulness techniques that help people accept and find peace within the reality of each moment; and much of my own contentment has come from practicing those techniques myself. It’s really incredible how it’s often the most simple, straightforward practices that make the biggest difference in our lives.

That said, simple and straightforward doesn’t mean easy. Our brains are wired for worry and rumination, and our culture (especially in the West) throws constant fuel on that fire of anxiety and neuroses. It takes a whole lot of diligent effort and practice to be able to use mindfulness techniques effectively on a consistent basis, which can be frustrating for people who want escape from their misery RIGHT NOW.

Funny thing is, the whole idea of mindfulness actually represents the antithesis of escape. Mindfulness is deliberate and nonjudgmental presence and observation in each moment– even the unpleasant and miserable moments. There is no magic wand or pill that creates a joy-only life experience, so as humans, we do much better when we’re able to accept that life is inevitably filled with ups and downs. Emotions, thoughts, events– both pleasant and unpleasant– will ebb and flow.

The good news is that if we can learn to accept that and sit as quiet observers of life as it happens, we tap into a profound and healing sense of peace. We finally discover that whatever happens– whatever we think, or feel, or endure– is temporary, and that we can allow things to simply be as they are. We can make space for whatever comes our way.

Good stuff.

[Daniel Hardy · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book was decent. Although it mention specific difficulties that folks with ADHD might experience, much of the book presupposed that people didn't have secondary neurodivergence that alters thinking patterns (apart from BPD). I fear that might feel invalidating for my ADHD/autistic clients. Regardless, I would have them give it a try, I think that the info here is solid and will help the right client.
This IS a dbt based book so those strongly opposed to behavior therapy in all its forms won't feel comfortable here.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Survival guide for the drama magnetic

This book seemed to know me better than i could have ever described myself. Breaking everything down into separate, easily identifiable components have made emotions and difficult situations much more managable. Thank you.

[Gabrielė · Rating 5 out of 5]

Golden

[Alexandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

So good I had to read it twice. Citations galore, really well laid out. A tomb of tips and tricks and reframes.

“But courage and will alone cannot take one from emotional turmoil to emotional acceptance or from chaotic behavior to effective behavior.”

“I wish I knew whether or not to trust my feelings. The problem is my feelings flip flop all the time. It makes me feel crazy not to know my own mind.”

“Under the influence of very strong emotions, thoughts jump from the past to the future and back to the present and emotions and urges feel as unstable as tornadoes.”

“Emotions and their corresponding action urges:
Anger -> Attack
Fear -> Escape
Sadness -> Isolate
Shame -> Hide
Guilt -> Make Amends
Love -> Approach
Joy -> Go for the Gusto”

“The five characteristics of invalidating environments.
The environment does not consider your individual needs, special circumstances, or other unique situations. Its rules apply to all situations.
The environment assumes you will figure out on your own how to interact with it when you have a problem.
The environment offers little to no substantive assistance when you report a problem, even when it acknowledges that your problem is real.
The environment assumes that it is right and you are wrong. Yoru negative reactions to interactions with it are evidence of a defect in you.
The environment ignores most of your requests at first. It responds to your request only when you become intensely demanding and then only intermittently.”

“The following list of statements can help you determine whether you are following wise mind:
My wisest friend would understand and agree that my decision is wise.
I feel a sense of peace even though emotions may also be present.
My feelings about my decision have remained stable over several days.
I do not feel intense urgency.
I am not judgemental of myself.
I don’t necessarily need others to agree with me.
I feel a sense of letting go rather than clinging to the outcome.
I can accept what is happening.
I’m neither denying facts nor suppressing emotions.
I’m not giving up, resigning myself, or being willful.
My decision is in harmony with what I know are my values.”


“[gratitude journaling] increases the likelihood that you will notice positives in your life, a skill that will reduce your vulnerability to emotion mind.”

“Each of the what skills describes a simple behavior that is done in a single-minded way.” [Observe, Describe, Participate]

“Reinforcement is the tendency of behaviors to increase when they produce pleasant or relieving consequences.”

“Disassoiaction is a behavior that we learn primarily through traumatic experiences which acts as a coping mechanism for abuse, neglect, torture, and other life-threatening experiences.”

“We can never stop thoughts entirely because the mind secretes them constantly….because they have strong emotional content we find them compelling.”

“When we overlook this subtle feeling of emotion we may be vulnerable for a more intense feeling later. For example, not paying attention to how much something is annoying or frustrating us may make us more likely to experience rage later when the stimulus upsetting us persists or intensifies.”

“And if we grew up in an environment of emotional abuse and invalidation we may have learned to save the cruelest words for ourselves.”

“Thoughts arrive in the mind ceaselessly, like waves on a beach. Usually we take our thoughts seriously, as if they are crucial to our understanding of reality.”

“When we can describe thoughts as events in the mind only, we create a sense of freedom about what to do about them. They’re not urgent imperatives even though they might sometimes feel that way.”

“When you find yourself thinking you can notice the type of thought that is arising. Is it a thought about work, a thought about other people, or some kind of pleasant or unpleasant fantasy?..... ‘I have been out working. I will come home now’ … ‘I have been out visiting. I will come home now.’ … ‘I have been out playing. I will come home now.’.... ‘I have wandered and become lost. I will find my way home now.’”

“As soon as we start talking about someone else’s thoughts or emotions we leave the realm of describing and enter a world of inferences and conclusions about our own experience.”

“Rumination, a thinking behavior associated with depression, is defined as an obsessional focus on one’s distress, including the distress’s causes and consequences.”

“Teflon mind, we observe the thought, describe it as an unwanted thought, and then let it slip out of our minds. We may need to do this many times within a short time frame, especially at first. The less we entertain unwanted thoughts the more likely it is that the frequency of the thoughts will diminish.”

“When I describe someone with a stereotype I limit my abilities of perceiving that person as an individual.”

“We fill in the blank with our favorite judgment and enter the hell of self-loathing, condemned for the sins of having basic needs and emotions.”

“Emotional reactions are not in and of themselves judgements but they can lead to judgment.”

“Judgments state opinions as if they are facts. State opinions as facts creates confusion and increases emotions.”

“The people who give into us in the short term often resent us in the long term for our behavior. Emotionally demanding behavior, even when it is unintentional, gets labeled as manipulative.”

“Walking the middle path requires that we balance our objectives in any situation with the demands of the environment in which we find ourselves. We play by the rules and let go of imagining some idealized environment where everything is fair and no rules stand in our way.”

“Matt recognizes his mother’s fear as a distraction and lets it go.”

“To master the skill of acting effectively we have to become skillful at recognizing and overcoming some habits of emotion mind that make us prone to ineffective behavior patterns:
I’d rather be right than effective… Getting into pitched battles to prove you’re right is a luxury most of us can’t afford if we want good relationships…
It’s not fair… We want the rules to suit us and until they do we are likely to remain disgruntled… If we really want things to be more fair, chances are we will have to use skillful means to advocate for justice and cultivate patience.
Revenge… Revenge has negative effects on mood…
Cutting off your nose to spite your face… This form of vengeance victimizes you and carries a tinge of martyrdom…
Blame... Blaming ourselves for everything makes us more vulnerable emotionally and distracts us from taking responsibility for the parts that actually are ours… we don’t have to look at the few things we could improve…
Giving up… is quitting when there is still a chance you can achieve your goal. Letting go is making a wise mind choice not to cling to a particular outcome that is out of your hands.
Self invalidation…
Clinging to past hurts… is inconsistent with a life worth living… If your goal is to feel better then the habit of negative thinking is ineffective…
Perfectionism… We can’t achieve our goal if we never even try…
Avoidance… Procrastination, denial, and passivity…”

“7 mindfulness skills: First wise mind, then observing, describing and participating (the what skills) and acting non-judgmentally, one mindfully in the moment, and effectively (the how skills).”

“Refusing to accept terrible pain does not make it go away. Radical acceptance doesn’t either. But it does help us bear the painful reality.”

“Meanwhile, anxiety had flooded her, filling in all the spaces where grief was suppressed.”

[Elizabeth McInerney · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked up "The Mindfulness Solution for Intense Emotions" to help understand a boss with a severe case of borderline personality disorder (BPD). I had read a few books prior that addressed all aspects of BPD, and they pointed to dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) as a helpful treatment. Curious to understand DBT, I turned to this book, which goes into depth on DBT (the treatment for BPD), and not the disorder itself (other aspects BPD beyond intense emotions, or why people develop it, etc).

I absolutly loved this book and feel it would be helpful to anyone, as we all can experience intense emotions from time to time. Here's my dilema. The subtitle of this book is "Take Control of Borderline Personality Disorder with DBT". I wish this subtitle was not on the book, because I liked it so much that I plan to gift it to a few people. However, the recipients do not have BPD, and will be taken aback when they see that part of the title! So I will have to explain. The dilema is that I would never have read the book in the first place if it had not included that subtitle. For my purposes, it needs a title more along the lines of "We all have intense emotions, how to deal with them effectively using DBT, how DBT will help you to live a more peaceful centered life, esp helpful for people with BPD". Ok, too long, but hopefully this makes my point.

I was blown away by the intelligence and gifted writing skills of the author, Cedar Koons. The book is perfectly paced, jam packed with useful information, and interspersed at just the correct intervals with personal stories of clients dealing with the issues discussed in each chapter. My life seems like a cakewalk when compared to what some of her clients have had to deal with, so that fact alone served to lessen my own intense emotions over more trivial issues.

I did find myself wishing that the book's chapters were further divided into 2 sections, with the main part of the book outlining the various stages of DBT in Part 1, and the last 2 chapters addressing mindfulness and Buddhism in Part 2. I also felt it could have used a graphical summary at the end of the first part, a way for the reader to remember and organize all of the information presented.

Prior to reading this book, I did not know much about Buddhism. After reading the author's short account of how the Buddah came to be, I did find myself hoping that his young wife and child, who he left to pursue is life of isolation and medidation, found some mediation skills to deal with their life of abandonment!

At any rate, an excellent read overall. Bravo Cedar Koons!

[Mallory · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gives a simple overview of the DBT Mindfulness skills, in many ways akin to the information given in the DBT Skills Training Manual, albeit in more accessible language. In general, I don't think anyone already familiar and comfortable with the way DBT talks about mindfulness would find any of the explanations to be new or surprising.

I think Koons' greatest contribution in this book is the additional exercises and specific ways she breaks down the "steps" of the more abstract skills, such as Participating and Radical Acceptance, and would specifically recommend reading those sections to people looking to deepen their understanding of those specific skills.

Koons also draws heavily from her own Buddhist practice. This is in some ways valuable, as it offers another way to think about the mindfulness skills and highlights the rich tradition from which this module draws. However, for those readers who are highly averse to connecting DBT skills with spiritual traditions it might be a hard sell.

[Harmeen Puarr · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this one so much I have it the full 5stars . I read this over a period of time and found I didn’t feel a rush to get through to the end or note every single strategy advised through the chapters . I didn’t even actively try the practices initially but unknowingly the sense of calm , peace and acceptance trickled throughout this book because a part of my reading technique . Now at the end of it in hindsight I feel the topics and strategies discussed u consciously have become a part of my life , even as I was reading it to enhance my professional practice . Very easy to read too !

[Edy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life changing book for people on how to regulate emotions in mindful ways.

“Children who grow up in a struggle for survival, whether because of poverty, war, abuse, or neglect, or because they have not felt loved and been kept secure, can feel haunted for life by their experiences... Refusing to accept terrible pain does not make it go away. Radical acceptance doesn’t either. But it does help us bear the painful reality.”

[Kristin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Don’t be scared off by the title. This is a book for everyone not just those with BPD. Well researched with tons of references, but written in an easily digestible way. The audiobook was great, like listening to an intelligent friend or your favorite therapist.

I chose this book to help me deal with feelings of what I thought were grief, rumination, and the ever elusive “letting go” and living in the present moment. Introduced me to the concepts of wise mind, emotion mind, Teflon mind, right speech, willfulness, turning the mind, and another take on radical acceptance. The stories/case studies featured people of all description and not just the typical BPD examples.

This is a much better book than the green DBT workbook by those 3 dudes McKay et al. It gives more of a background on DBT alongside some exercises whereas the green book is like an instruction manual.

I felt such peace/hope reading this. Would reread.

Cue Taylor Swift’s “Clean”, Lorde’s “Green Light”, Renee Rapp’s “Snow Angel”, and Marina’s entire catalog on repeat.

[char · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent deep dive into mindfulness skills, with individual chapters on each of the "what" skills (observing, describing, participating) and "how" skills (non-judgmentally, one-mindfully, effectively) and plenty of activities and demonstrative stories for practicing these skills in everyday life. I've read similar DBT skills books before but I particularly appreciate the focused study of mindfulness.

If there's one element I'm a little conflicted about, it's the presence of Buddhism in the book. On the one hand, I really appreciated the way Dr. Koons highlights the Buddhist influences of DBT. On the other hand, including Buddhist elements like the Four Noble Truths and the Eightfold Path encourages an appropriation that divorces Buddhism from its cultural or theological roots.

That aside though, it was a great and helpful book and I still recommend it!

[Bail · Rating 4 out of 5]

this book is excellent and i found it extremely helpful. however, i was distraught to read that the author has included mindfulness practices to combat thoughts around a high BMI and obesity.

i implore the author and anyone who thinks the “body mass index” is a marker for good health to do some research on the topic. i recommend reading Audrey Gordon’s trailblazing work to help rewrite your personal anti-fat bias if you find yourself amongst those.

otherwise - excellent read! but obesity is a myth, and content that fat-shames people does NOT belong in this type of book.

[Daniel M · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a life saver with a loved one with BPD like symptoms.
I can not use everything but about 3/4 of the book is usable to me.

I learned how to regulate my mood to help my loved one through hers.
This will help me to be more effective in handling her moods and mine.

I started practicing noticing my emotions and also centering my mind on facts better
than possible scenarios for why something was happening

[Iustina Pop · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book to be enlightening.

I don't think that only people with BPD can benefit from reading this book, but anybody who wants to understand the anatomy of the relation between emotions and rationality, as well as understand how mindfulness can exactly improve our quality of life through a better management of emotions.

The What and How approach is brilliant, exemplified with real life situations and clearly explained practices.

[MindFully · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book makes me feel hopeful about my life with BPD. With its breakdown of mindfulness practices &BPD symptoms, I feel like now, I have the proper systems and teachings to can create a future where I'm in control of my thoughts, my actions & my acceptance of myself & reality.

[Clare · Rating 5 out of 5]

An insightful book with clear instructions as to how to improve your mindfulness and acceptance skills (as described by DBT). Includes anecdotes, case studies, practises and strategies. Easy to read and with a long list of recommended reading.

[rk · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whether or not you have BPD or know someone with BPD, this is an invaluable resource to learn DBT skills, which have changed my life, as a person with chronic depression and anxiety. This book is easy to read, with practical exercises and memorable anecdotes. Very Important Book.

[Chananya Abraham · Rating 5 out of 5]

My ultimate go-to book to assist with my own need for self-help (constantly), as well as useful ideas for my children and clients. Well written, easy to understand, and you can tell the author is very knowledgeable

[Francisco Javier · Rating 4 out of 5]

Me parece que brindar alternativas terapéuticas a través de historias y señalar un montón de fuentes para reforzar, además de las herramientas presentadas, las consideraciones de los protagonistas de tales procesos es, sin duda, un trabajo digno de difusión

[Don Browne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Excellent advice and directions for moderating the "emotional mind." I would have, however, edited out most of the case studies that went on for many pages in most of the chapters.

[Liz Reedy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Practical, helpful, easy to read, well organised. Highly recommended to anyone wanting to delve into how to deal with intense emotions.

[Sophia Graham · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really excellent book that supports DBT practice. Lots of helpful examples. This will make be a better skills group facilitator.

[Sylvia]

Great book! Easier said than done but it's definitely worth trying. 😊

[Whitney · Rating 4 out of 5]

This one was good. Real tools and long term planning. I will reread this. DBT seems to be the only way to really improve my BPD

[Katy Nelsen · Rating 5 out of 5]

The descriptions and explanations of the development of dbt and it's purpose gave me the insight and understanding I needed to more fully embrace mindfulness activities.

[Lee zhiyuan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good introduction to DBT

[Emily S · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read to get more DBT knowledge, it was really helpful with tools for mindfulness.

[Summer · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was fine. If you never read a book like this before, it's a fine book to read. If you read this sort of thing already it doesn't add anything particularly new but it's fine.

[Paola Racelis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book!

I love this book! Cedar Koons were right to the point and was very helpful. If you trying to change how you think, then this is the book for you

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I won this in a Goodreads giveaway and, as a counseling student, it is one of the more helpful books I've read towards practicing and teaching mindfulness from a DBT perspective. There are several, very easy to do exercises and ideas for each skill, which will be great for individual one-on-one skills training, group skills training, or for practicing by yourself. Each mindfulness skill was explained in a concise and very clear way and was backed up with examples. I appreciated how Cedar Koons anticipated the areas people might question the usefulness or practicality of mindfulness and provided answers that alleviated my own skepticism. It was a very accessible read that will be useful for anyone wanting to practice mindfulness or learn DBT skills, not specifically just those with intense emotions or with Borderline Personality Disorder. I'll likely consult this more frequently than the DBT skills manual when it comes to needing examples or ideas for clients.