What do you think?
Rate this book
The Secret of Parenting: How to Be in Charge of Today's Kids--from Toddlers to Preteens--Without Threats or Punishment
Essential advice from the author of the bestselling Get Out Of My Life
Today's children--from toddlers to preteens--challenge their parents in ways that would have been unthinkable a generation ago, notes Anthony E. Wolf, and parents are often uncertain about how to cope.
In his new book, Wolf presents a fresh perspective on this less pleasant behavior and a surprisingly simple method for dealing with it. He argues that punishments and rewards don't work and may even be counterproductive. Instead, parents must act swiftly and decisively following Wolf's easy but powerful technique. Using numerous examples of effective and ineffective parent-child interactions, he offers practical advice on a wide range of basic issues, from tantrums and back talk, to getting kids off to school in the morning and eliminating sibling fights.
Humorous and easy to use, The Secret of Parenting is guaranteed to dramatically increase the joy parents get from raising their children.
Today's children--from toddlers to preteens--challenge their parents in ways that would have been unthinkable a generation ago, notes Anthony E. Wolf, and parents are often uncertain about how to cope.
In his new book, Wolf presents a fresh perspective on this less pleasant behavior and a surprisingly simple method for dealing with it. He argues that punishments and rewards don't work and may even be counterproductive. Instead, parents must act swiftly and decisively following Wolf's easy but powerful technique. Using numerous examples of effective and ineffective parent-child interactions, he offers practical advice on a wide range of basic issues, from tantrums and back talk, to getting kids off to school in the morning and eliminating sibling fights.
Humorous and easy to use, The Secret of Parenting is guaranteed to dramatically increase the joy parents get from raising their children.
256 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 2000
21 people are currently reading
238 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews
May 18, 2009
While I actually enjoyed this author’s style, I’m afraid it wasn’t the best match for me.
He claims to be non-punishing, but he sees no problem with “banishing” a child away from the parent when she’s being annoying/throwing a fit (which I’ve come to view as the times our kids need us most desperately), and his general attitude toward children is less than compassionate. I mean, honestly, it’s probably a little closer to my reality, but see, I’m trying to CHANGE the way I view my kids, not just seek reassurance that what I’m doing is okay!
Sadly, his books/philosophy still have an effect on my parenting sometimes, and I find myself rationalizing unloving actions/attitudes toward my children using some of his logic. This book may be a pretty good fit for a lot of people, but for me, it just seems to exacerbate my already negative tendencies–and at the same time, giving me an excuse to feel “good” that I’m [supposedly] not punishing.
He claims to be non-punishing, but he sees no problem with “banishing” a child away from the parent when she’s being annoying/throwing a fit (which I’ve come to view as the times our kids need us most desperately), and his general attitude toward children is less than compassionate. I mean, honestly, it’s probably a little closer to my reality, but see, I’m trying to CHANGE the way I view my kids, not just seek reassurance that what I’m doing is okay!
Sadly, his books/philosophy still have an effect on my parenting sometimes, and I find myself rationalizing unloving actions/attitudes toward my children using some of his logic. This book may be a pretty good fit for a lot of people, but for me, it just seems to exacerbate my already negative tendencies–and at the same time, giving me an excuse to feel “good” that I’m [supposedly] not punishing.
April 11, 2012
I simply LOVED this book! One of the BEST parenting books I have read. It is exactly what I have been looking for. I have never wanted to use punishments in my parenting, but never knew how else to accomplish my goals. Reading this book opened my eyes to MANY things. The most important thing was learning about the "baby self" in ALL of us and especially how to handle it in children! I have truly been inspired to parent without threats and punishment. Loved the following nuggets of knowledge especially..."Parents are those individuals in a child's world who are supposed to represent the side of good."
"When you are going against the wants of your children, you should do what you have to do, say what you have to say, and then end it. Decide fast, stand firm, and disengage fast."
"If you want children to learn to do a particular task on a regular basis, if you want that task to become a habit,the only way to make it a habit is to continue regularly to make that demand."
"In any event, nothing happens without significant expenditure of parental energy. Children, on their own, do not automatically do what they don't feel like doing. If you want things to get done, you are going to have to invest time and energy. A lot of time and energy."
"When you are going against the wants of your children, you should do what you have to do, say what you have to say, and then end it. Decide fast, stand firm, and disengage fast."
"If you want children to learn to do a particular task on a regular basis, if you want that task to become a habit,the only way to make it a habit is to continue regularly to make that demand."
"In any event, nothing happens without significant expenditure of parental energy. Children, on their own, do not automatically do what they don't feel like doing. If you want things to get done, you are going to have to invest time and energy. A lot of time and energy."
May 3, 2012
This is a book that literally changed how I see my kids (and even myself and my husband) in our home. I highly recommend it. The information focuses a lot not on how to change children, but rather on how we can react to them in a positive way. The book is also humorously written, which I always appreciate. Without going into a much longer review than what I have time to write, the author brings up the concept of the 'baby self' and 'mature self' and how at home, where love is assured no matter the behavior, the 'baby self' comes out. There are sections on dealing with whining, fighting siblings, doing homework and much more. There's lots of great ideas packed into a rather short book.
June 8, 2021
somewhat repetitive... LOTS of examples to illustrate what boils down to one point. it could probably be equally effective as a 1000 word blog post. the central point of the book, however, is really great to understand as both a parent and an individual. the "inner child" is a concept that i hope to keep in mind.
October 26, 2017
Great read!
Enjoyable book on how to be a parent once your baby turns into a child... teaches you why your child acts out around their parents and why more then anything they need to know they are loved.
Enjoyable book on how to be a parent once your baby turns into a child... teaches you why your child acts out around their parents and why more then anything they need to know they are loved.
March 27, 2021
4.5 Lots of good ideas and specific examples. The writing style is a little hard to follow sometimes, they use sarcastic examples and then don’t clarify them well. Maybe just a touch outdated in some approaches. Overall very helpful.
December 31, 2019
This book made so much sense to me. I began applying the ideas and immediately noticed a difference in my children and in myself. This will be one I recommend to all my parent friends!
Read
February 10, 2012I stumbled across Dr. Wolf's books a couple years ago when my frustration level with my teenager called for intervention! I am the proud owner of "The Secret of Parenting" and "Get Out of My Life..." The suggestions are so simple and easy to follow and relate to, not like the "psycho babble" that some books offer.
I enjoy Dr. Wolf's books so much that when my sister and a close friend of mine were having problems with their teenagers, I didn't hesitate to buy copies of your books for them. A year ago I created a group on Facebook called "For Moms" (https://www.facebook.com/groups/formoms/) where moms reach out with problems, advice, support, etc. and I've recently suggested these books to the group. Here is a recent exchange about your book:
(From me...) For those from the post on 9-year-olds and backtalk, this is for you;-) Hope it helps...great book...No, I don't get commission or anything for trying to sell this book, just really love it! I keep it on my nightstand, to read and re-read when my kids get me to where I want to strangle them;-)
(From the mom I mentioned above) I got the book today. Thank you so much. I am going to go lay down and start reading it right now..I hope I can get some answers from it and find a way to correct her behavior..
(Me) Hope you enjoy it:-) Keep me posted on what you think about it. I started reading my copy again as well:-)
(Mom) I can already see great improvements in (daughter)'s behavior by following this book.. Just last night she was yelling at me and demanding me to stop what I was doing and to cook.. I told her she isn't being very nice and when she can talk to me nicely I will be ready to listen, and didn't say anything else to her, just ignored her demands. 10 minutes later she came and gave me a hug and apologized for being mean to me..Normally I would of kept on her about talking to me that way and she would of ended up in her bedroom. Her fit could of gone on for hours... I am loving this!
(From another Mom) (Son) is only 7 1/2 but I'm thinking I need this already! Lots of arguments lately - off to get it!
Dr. Wolf you have made a difference in my life and in my parenting skills. I love your books and will continue to pass on your info to anyone that will listen! Thank You!!!
I enjoy Dr. Wolf's books so much that when my sister and a close friend of mine were having problems with their teenagers, I didn't hesitate to buy copies of your books for them. A year ago I created a group on Facebook called "For Moms" (https://www.facebook.com/groups/formoms/) where moms reach out with problems, advice, support, etc. and I've recently suggested these books to the group. Here is a recent exchange about your book:
(From me...) For those from the post on 9-year-olds and backtalk, this is for you;-) Hope it helps...great book...No, I don't get commission or anything for trying to sell this book, just really love it! I keep it on my nightstand, to read and re-read when my kids get me to where I want to strangle them;-)
(From the mom I mentioned above) I got the book today. Thank you so much. I am going to go lay down and start reading it right now..I hope I can get some answers from it and find a way to correct her behavior..
(Me) Hope you enjoy it:-) Keep me posted on what you think about it. I started reading my copy again as well:-)
(Mom) I can already see great improvements in (daughter)'s behavior by following this book.. Just last night she was yelling at me and demanding me to stop what I was doing and to cook.. I told her she isn't being very nice and when she can talk to me nicely I will be ready to listen, and didn't say anything else to her, just ignored her demands. 10 minutes later she came and gave me a hug and apologized for being mean to me..Normally I would of kept on her about talking to me that way and she would of ended up in her bedroom. Her fit could of gone on for hours... I am loving this!
(From another Mom) (Son) is only 7 1/2 but I'm thinking I need this already! Lots of arguments lately - off to get it!
Dr. Wolf you have made a difference in my life and in my parenting skills. I love your books and will continue to pass on your info to anyone that will listen! Thank You!!!
April 26, 2008
I first read this book a few years ago, when Devon was 6 and Carson 4. I remembered that it had some great ideas in it. I refound it at the library last week and reread it.
I still think it is a good parenting book. Very basic and easy to use tips. My favorite and most amazing is to tell your kids to do something, then WAIT and expect that they will. If they don't, repeat once and WAIT, silently. Don't engage in discussions or fights about it. Just wait and it is amazing, but they really will do it.
I remember being amazed by this when I first read it, Devon would refuse to get in bed. So I would say, "get in bed" then just stand there by the bed waiting. Before I would have to chase him and put him in bed. But if I stood there quietly waiting, within less than a minute he would get into bed. Crazy, but true.
I used this today for practicing piano. It worked again. So I am glad I re-read it. Great book.
I still think it is a good parenting book. Very basic and easy to use tips. My favorite and most amazing is to tell your kids to do something, then WAIT and expect that they will. If they don't, repeat once and WAIT, silently. Don't engage in discussions or fights about it. Just wait and it is amazing, but they really will do it.
I remember being amazed by this when I first read it, Devon would refuse to get in bed. So I would say, "get in bed" then just stand there by the bed waiting. Before I would have to chase him and put him in bed. But if I stood there quietly waiting, within less than a minute he would get into bed. Crazy, but true.
I used this today for practicing piano. It worked again. So I am glad I re-read it. Great book.
March 30, 2013
Usually I avoid anything that claims to be the secret of anything, especially when it's associated to parenting, but the part about raising kids without threats or punishment caught me. It has a sound theory, and one that works, it has all ready helped me (within a week) with the troubles with my daughter who doesn't respond to threats or time outs or having her toys taken away, but just makes her more angry. One thing about the theory is that you have to be patient, and believe that it will work. If you don't, you can easily feel like you are not in control because you are not using more aggressive methods, but the truth is is that that just doesn't work (for us anyway). I had used the theory alot when my daughter was younger, like 1-2, and had felt like I was in total control. It does work!
November 9, 2010
The style of parenting talked about in this book goes along really well with how I want to parent. All the example bad conversations in the book could have been taken directly from my house! I've tried some of the methods already and they worked well. I need to reread it to get everything stuck in my head, and I've already told my husband he has to read it too so we're on the same page. Not everything in the book is perfect, but it's worlds better than pretty much all other parenting books I've read. Plus it's a quick read. I got through it in one day.
October 20, 2012
Bottom line: disengage from disrespectful interactions with children. Though funny and at times seemingly cold, the authors position is clear. You cannot get through or discuss an issue you are disagreeing about once both sides are tapped into being provocative. Repeating back to children the feelings or complaints they have can often be enough--acknowledging their struggles can help build resilience. Humor is a huge plus in this parenting book.
June 3, 2008
Love this. I reread it periodically to remind myself.
April 20, 2010
Some really good practical advice here.
June 28, 2012
THe best way to raise your kid: with common sense and RESPECT!
February 17, 2014
The most helpful parenting book I have ever read. Don't let the first few chapters stop you from finishing. It is very helpful.
May 12, 2016
When my kids were younger, I used these techniques and they started looking for the "new parenting book". The author writes in a practical humorous manner.
August 13, 2008
Interesting take on modern parenting.
Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews