As much as it may distress us, our boys are future men.
When Theodore Roosevelt taught Sunday school for a time, a boy showed up one Sunday with a black eye. He admitted he had been fighting and on a Sunday too. He told the future president that a bigger boy had been pinching his sister, and so he fought him. TR told him that he had done perfectly right and gave him a dollar. The stodgy vestrymen thought this was a bit much, and so they let their exuberant Sunday school teacher go. What a loss.
Unbelief cannot look past surfaces. Unbelief squashes; faith teaches. Faith takes a boy aside and tells him that this part of what he did was good, while that other part of he did got in the way. "And this is how to do it better next time."
As we look to Scripture for patterns of masculinity for our sons, we find them manifested perfectly in the life of the Lord Jesus Christ. He is the one who set the ultimate pattern for friendship and courage, for faithfulness and integrity.
About half way through this book I realized Doug Wilson wasn't going to provide a "how-to" for his readers on raising boys to be godly men. The examples from his own family were few and far between.
What he did provide, once I had the ears to hear, was a thoroughly biblical foundation for raising good men. The outcome was far more helpful than a book of "10 tricks for effective parenting". Once rooted in biblical principles, the Spirit can and will guide parents in the day to day discipline and discipleship of their sons. Wilson has provided a cogent and biblically faithful vision on manhood and parental responsibility.
One of the most helpful principles for me was the idea that just as Proverbs repeatedly calls sons to listen to wisdom, so too we should expect that we'll need to call our sons to listen, and to listen again. We shouldn't be discouraged as parents when we find ourselves rehearsing the same lessons again and again with our boys. This type of ongoing instruction and discipline is the way we learn, what's more, it is the way God teaches us.
not my cup of tea. oh yea that would make me unmanly. While full of scriptural references this is the stuff that turns boys into zealots, lacking compassion or empathy and leading to chauvinism.
This was good. I started this because I wanted to get a more well-rounded view of Doug’s writing (I am not a champion of the Moscow movement, but there are a lot of excellent things to glean from Doug’s family resources). I also have to confess I’ve disliked Doug’s abrasiveness and love for controversy and stirring up the pot; but most of this read just like an elderly man giving wise counsel to parents. A couple things: As a boy mom now, this was a super helpful overview of a lot of essential topics for raising boys. It was well-written, clear, and it was grounded in biblical wisdom. However—and Graham and I both noticed this—he begins the book by saying that the goal is that parenting would lead to a son that is a “wise son, a son like Jesus Christ” and that Jesus Christ manifests the pattern of perfect masculinity, but then he basically doesn’t mention Jesus much after this or use Jesus’s life as a model for masculinity. Instead, he relies mostly on the Proverbs, which are excellent! So I’m not upset that he spent most of the book in Proverbs, but it felt odd to say Jesus is the model of masculinity but not to dig into how Jesus manifests these virtues!
Generally, I agreed with it, but of course there were some things I didn’t. He talks about how in many institutions the boys who do well are the boys who act like girls: “The boys who are ‘good students’ are the boys who ask ‘will this be on the test?’ kind of questions. And the boys who actually probe and question, the boys who are future leaders, are treated as a problem” (p. 112). He makes a lot of sweeping generalizations about girls/boys and the way they learn; basically, to borrow Jordan Peterson’s language, he says that boys are high in disagreeability and girls are high in agreeability, which is why they do better in school and are more liked by teachers, etc, etc. As the person in class who always liked to “probe and question,” I was helped by Rigney who, in a “What Is Man?” class, explained that we should think of these traits of men/women on a bell curve (with most, but not all, boys on that higher disagreeability level, and most girls in the higher agreeability level etc). Additionally, I think I’d want to encourage all of my kids to probe/question/disagree (respectfully if absolutely needed), but generally to be good students and compliant. In personal conversations with Rigney, I’ve appreciated that he had a lot more nuance than Doug in this book, but I do think that his generalizations are generally accurate. Didn’t love a handful of comments on baptism and a few slightly off-color remarks.
But last thing: his chapter on how stories bring virtue alive to young boys was awesome. That alone made the book worth the read (with an honorable mention to the value of the family/church community).
Lots of helpful advice. Great understanding of the proverbs and his application for the father to the son is very helpful. Doug’s covenantal views create some disagreement with my understanding of the Scriptures. Overall a good book.
Adventurous. Visionary. Patient. Careful. Hardworking. Strong. Sacrificial. Courageous. Good. Teachable. Studious. Thoughtful. Representative. Responsible. Holy. These are the adjectives we want to be able to ascribe to our sons, because they describe the kind of men we want leading our families and churches.
Rather than writing a full review, I’ll just highlight the parts I found this most insightful.
Wilson starts out this book by distinguishing true masculinity from counterfeit masculinity—a much needed clarification in today’s culture, which can’t understand masculinity as being anything other than “toxic.” “True masculinity,” DW writes, “accepts responsibility, period, while false masculinity will try to accept responsibility only for success.” While counterfeit masculinity “excels at making excuses” because it is a matter of pride, scriptural masculinity is defined by a refusal to make excuses (22). Confession and repentance are therefore right at the heart of true masculinity. What a paradigm shift from how the world defines masculinity!
One of the most important points DW makes, I think, is the fact that we need to see our small boys as future men, and raise them according to that vision. This raises the stakes for parental discipline. A child’s sins will one day turn into a man’s sins. Thus, “a boy who is not obviously learning self-control with regard to his temper, his stomach, his video games, or his school work is a boy who will still lack self-control when sexual temptation arrives” (84). We must have this long-run perspective if we want our sons to become holy men.
Another key element of this book is its reliance on Proverbs, which DW cites as a “treasury of instruction for parents of boys” (185). One theme in particular shows up again and again in Proverbs: the fact that a boy must be teachable. With this in mind, DW contends, “the first subject in the curriculum is to be teaching a son to hear” (188). I found this point helpful for identifying the starting point of parental discipline.
Overall, I basically agree with DW’s vision for parenting but probably would ask him to clarify some of his provocative Chestertonian statements in the later chapters. I also am probably not quite as conservative as he is when it comes to dating/courtship. As a general rule, DW tends to state principles in very narrow terms which I think require great grace and discernment to actually put into practice—something to keep in mind when reading his work.
This is a very good and useful book. Loses a star (it would have lost only half a star, were that possible) for its somewhat cavalier usage of the Bible, with some minor occurrences of eixegesis, that is, taking (Biblical) texts out of context and giving it unwarranted interpretations.
Sets a high standard for raising boys. I do feel I fall short, and pray God will supply my many faults in raising my son.
Short read, yet weighty knowledge to meditate on for raising boys. I read this again a week before the birth of my son. This is a book to revisit again and again while in the act of parenting boys
This book came recommended by my counselor who I deeply trust and respect. It was in response to a session in which I shared my struggle with passivity in regard to character training with my boys (11, 10, 6). He asked if I was familiar with Douglas Wilson, and I was not. He caveated that he had come under a lot of fire online for things being ascribed to him that my counselor believed weren’t actually in the text of his writings. He also caveated that he does not agree with everything Wilson says.
I felt a tension between knowing people are constantly misrepresented online and also that two caveats on a book recommendation like this was probably two too many.
It’s hard for me to organically read non-fiction, so when my counselor makes a recommendation based on things I’ve shared in our meeting, I want to make a point of reading it.
At first, I’ll be honest, I found the book invigorating. When Wilson was speaking in high level terms about the importance of rejecting passivity in raising boys to become men, boy did it resonate and feel like something I needed.
Well, the book then turned from high level to ground level, from widespread admonition to practical advice, and I began to bristle at nearly every chapter.
The challenging tone and tough-for-toughs-sake advice dolling is relentless. You’ll find no marks of grace or tenderness in these pages. I felt less like I was reading a man fountaining with a vision rooted in the truth of Christ, and more like I was reading someone who bemoans the decline of patriarchy in this country, and was going to use his tough-but-needed words and cherry picked scriptures to tell everybody what’s what.
Projecting unseen motives onto an author is a fallacy of criticism, but hey, this is a goodreads review. I feel as if the author would respond to a critique of “not enough grace or tenderness” with, “Good. There’s enough of that in the world already. Boys don’t need more tenderness, they need to toughen up and become men.”
But I think of a transformative book I read a couple years ago called The Death of Porn by Ray Ortlund, who, similarly, was writing a book to challenge men. However, Ray dedicated his entire first chapter to making the men reading the book feel seen, and to speak the grace and truth of Jesus over them. I can’t tell you how much that washed over me, and how receptive it then made me to his admonitions and exhortations the rest of the way. Wilson would do well to take note from Ortlund, who is commonly regarded as “Pastor of pastors.”
Anyway, I almost always err on the side of giving Christian Spiritual Growth books 5* on goodreads if I find them helpful at all, because I’d rather contribute to them being in more hands than make sure it’s graded correctly down to the number.
But this is a book I’d not recommend to a friend, or a stranger, or anyone, and I do not want it in more hands, and thus, my 2 stars. I also didn’t want to rate a book like this that lowly without thoughts and considerations I could spell out.
TL;DR: regardless of its topic, any book written by a transformed believer in Jesus should be laced, in the end, with grace, and this one isn’t.
Douglas Wilson and I agree on just about everything and I don’t know that I disagreed with anything here. Certainly nothing offended me. There were some five star chapters. The appendix on Proverbs was the best part. So why 3 stars? I’ll try to keep my criticism short for many reasons but first, this book is unbelievably poorly written. I mean the writing is really horrific for most of the book. Second, I do not think that Wilson’s speech in general is “gracious and seasoned with salt.” He loves to shock his audience and to jab people. It’s distracting and it doesn’t minister grace to the hearers. There is a time to be direct and even harsh (“you brood of vipers”)… but every sentence does not need to shock or wound. The faithful should, at times, inflict wounds, so I’m not rooting for fluffy and soft. I feel like Wilson is constantly throwing knives and it drives me nuts because I think so much that he has to say and the directness of his speech should be such a gift to the church (and is at times!). But more often than not, I don’t feel like the ultimate goal of his words is to glorify Christ, but to draw gasps. This book could be 100x better. I will still read his books and continue to learn from him but I always have to be on guard against his cynicism and sharp tongue, both being things I already excel in, sadly.
Worth reading, even though I gave it three stars!!! I plan to pick up this book in a couple years to skim through it again to be reminded of some of his good perspectives. Wilson has some great over-arching principles about future men, I gleaned a lot from the opening chapter and the chapter on 'moms and sisters.' However, he fails often in his application of these principles, making things rather legalistic and fundamentalist because of his a patriarchal-colored lenses built on 1950s American stereotypes. Examples of this are his conclusion that the domestic realm and its features are inherently feminine, as well as statements like boys take out the trash and girls wash the dishes. Weird and not biblically founded, and they don't match up with some of his better assertions about the ontological nature of men and women. Anyhoo. Good book, just don't swallow the thing whole.
This little book is one that I will likely go back to again and again through out the development of my son. Wilson provides excellent advice and a biblical worldview to raising boys in our current culture. Boys are very unique and need to be raised differently from girls in order for them to embrace the true potential that God has given them and Wilson works diligently to show that. I highly recommend this book to new fathers of sons as well as experienced parents.
There’s a number of helpful things here for those raising boys. Left me with lots to think about. There were a few things I disagreed with or at least would not have put it the way he did, but I think it’s healthy to be pushed & challenged. Will likely return to this one in the future.
This book is good and at times blunt. Yet, there is truth if you can take it. I love the call for men to teach their sons about this life and how to live in it biblically. To take ahold of the responsibility a father has to train his son to love the Lord, to fight against evil, to not make excuses, to lean not on his own understanding, and to love for the kingdom of heaven. Great take aways in this book, and one that I would advise men to take seriously their call to raise future men.
WARNING: The following statement is not to be understood as cliché or an overstatement, "this is the best book I have ever read about raising boys."
Doug Wilson will challenge the way you think about raising boys and he does not pull any punches on the sensitive topics many authors tip-toe around. This book is theologically rich and full of biblical support. You will not agree with everything Wilson says but at the same time you will not be able to disagree with him. The content is directly applicable to boys at any age, the earlier the better, and should be read by moms and dads alike. In fact, this gem is now in the hands of my dear wife. ~ Two thumbs up! Highest recommendation!
I liked this book much less than I thought I would. He was short on examples and long on his (frankly ridiculous) opinion of stereotypes. Ultimately not the book I'm looking for, but one I might read again.
The first book by Doug Wilson I've read. There was much here that I appreciated and found helpful. He wasn't really trying to defend his views, but to simply say what he thinks is true. Not "why" but "what". Because of that, this book read a bit like a series of blog posts, or a book of advice. And perhaps that's what he was trying to mimic, since his most often quoted book is Proverbs. And that's my main critique: that he relies so heavily on Proverbs and natural law. I was left wondering how Jesus Christ is more than just an example of manhood (curiously often left unexplained) and how his Gospel is more than forgiveness of faults. How does the Gospel redeem manhood itself? I think what I want is a dogmatic theology of manhood - something written by John Webster or one of his ilk. Nevertheless, I'm glad that this book exists if only for the helpful pull it is in a different, yet biblical, direction than what the culture inclines the church towards.
Chock full of biblical wisdom on parenting young boys. I appreciated how specific Wilson gets as well, which makes the book extremely practical (rather than merely discussing things like "masculinity" in abstract principles). The main areas of disagreement for me all ultimately stem from his understanding of the role of the covenant household. As a Baptist, I believe Wilson imports too much of the Old Covenant into the New, and this manifests itself in a few different areas. But even through a "Baptist filter," my wife and I read this book with great profit, and it led to some really in-depth discussions between the two of us on a variety of subjects (being parents of boys ourselves). Highly recommended.
I find lots of the things Wilson says troubling and some of them downright objectionable. There’s something on almost every page of this book that made me cringe.
And yet there is undeniably a lot of wisdom here for thinking about how to raise a son, so I’m very glad I read it.
As I go down the Wilson rabbit hole, I’m realizing you don’t get the benefit of his sharp wit and radical, unique insights without the tinge of brute fundamentalism and brashness. There is very much a baby in the all this bathwater. Wilson is an excellent writer, extremely well-read, and says what he truly believes. These are worth the price of admission no matter how objectionable the content may be.
As many know, Wilson has severe demagogue tendencies, but this was written before he perhaps lost even more nuance, and I did find parts of it clear and helpful. His stuff on imagination was great. There were strange extra biblical lessons on education, church, and feminization of boys, but when he stuck to the Proverbs, it certainly inspired me to raise my boys in the wisdom and fear of God, however fundamentalist Wilson frames it. There's honestly just not much like this out there, so I'll take it and wait for Ray Ortlund to write this book again.
Incredible Christian parenting book for boys to become men. The author is a rather polarizing figure and I was withholding judgement until I read some of his material firsthand. I’m impressed, and I was jotting things down in my notes app constantly. Highly recommend for parents of boys yearning for them to be strong Christian men.
Per usual, Wilson is accessible and succinct. A great read not only for parents of sons, but for young men looking for a theology of manhood. Will probably revisit and reference over the years as a father.
3 stars because I feel like this book lacks consistent content. Some chapters were really helpful and well written and I will revisit them. Some chapters had a lot of cultural references I didn’t understand at all and heavy use of sarcasm with implied meanings I just couldn’t catch. The book felt like a collection from previous works with some hastily written additions, and not a stand alone thing, which is a problem for people reading this as their first (my second) Wilson book.
Read again in November of 2025, still really good, this time much more convicting.
An excellent book on raising sons in today's cultural climate; the book is so relevant because it's completely grounded in the Word of God, which never goes out of date. Wilson stays refreshingly close to the text in his analysis.