Life After You

by Lucie Brownlee

‘He crashed on to the pillow next to me, heavy as a felled oak. I slapped His face and told Him to wake up. Our daughter, B, appeared in the doorway, woken up by the screaming – I must have been screaming but I don’t remember – and she was crying and peering in. I told her the ultimate adult lie; that everything was all right.’Sudden death is rude. It just wanders in and takes your husband without any warning; it doesn’t even have the decency to knock. At the impossibly young age of 37, as they were making love one night, Lucie Brownlee’s beloved husband Mark dropped dead. As Lucie tried to make sense of her new life – the one she never thought she would be living – she turned to writing to express her grief. Life After You is the stunning, irreverent and heartbreakingly honest result.

Genres: Nonfiction, Book Club, Memoir, Grief, Biography

Kindle Edition

First published July 10, 2014

Reviews

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

With honesty and humor, Brownlee reconstructs the two years following her husband’s sudden death. My sister is still a new widow, so I read this expecting it to resonate with her situation, and it certainly does. I have two issues, though. One is that, in referring to Mark, it is always “He,” “Him” and “His.” That capitalizing convention, generally used to refer to God, doesn’t seem appropriate here. The other is the title and marketing. When originally published last year, the book had the title Me After You. That’s been changed to sound a little less like a Jojo Moyes novel, but the cover is more chick lit than ever, which doesn’t really match the contents of the book.

See my full review at The Bookbag.

[Jacki (Julia Flyte) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lucie Brownlee lost her husband Mark when he was only 37. This book is her account of the next two years of her life and how she got by (or didn't). This is no time of "magical thinking" . Lucie is raw, bitter and bereft. She drinks heavily, cries a lot and occasionally takes out her anger at the world on those around her. She also moves home, adopts a dog, sees her daughter settled happily into school and embarks on a PhD.

I didn't entirely enjoy this book and I dreaded writing this review because I don't want to be the "unfeeling witch" who didn't like the book. Full Disclosure: I am the Queen of inadvertently saying precisely the wrong thing to grieving widows. So I've got form. But Lucie's grief was so self-centered and wallowing that while I understood where she was coming from, it was hard to like her. In the second half of the book, when her humour started to return and she was able to give us glimpses of the fine man that she lost, I warmed to her far more and consequently liked the book more.

Brownlee has made two stylistic choices in her writing, both of which irritated me. The first is that every reference to Mark is capitalised, as in "what would He have done"- a grammatical device I have only seen used before to refer to God. I read a review that thought this was a heartbreaking indication of the reverence and respect in which she held him - maybe so (see reference to "unfeeling witch" above) but I just found it kind of perturbing and out of place.

The other thing she does is always to refer to her young daughter as "B", presumably to protect her privacy. Other young relatives get the same treatment, so we occasionally get sentences like "B took T's hand". I understand the motivation (though really, anyone who knows B will also know who her mother is, so does this achieve anything?) but I would have infinitely preferred it if she'd just given her daughter an alternative name rather than using the initial. All it did for me was give me a insatiable desire to know what B's name really is - Bernadette? Britney? Beyonce? Becky? For some reason I decided it was Bridget. Anyway my point is, I should have been wrapped up in Brownlee's story, not using all this headspace trying to guess her daughter's name. It distanced me from the narrative.

Towards the end my curiousity was all too much for me and I googled Lucie Brownlee and found many photographs of her husband online. He was a fine looking man who looked like someone I wish I had known, and I felt far sadder about his demise once I had a face to put to her mourning. I don't know if this is yet another indication of my shallow and unfeeling nature or a reflection on Brownlee's writing.

[Carol - Reading Writing and Riesling · Rating 4 out of 5]

My View:

Honest, open and raw.

I have been struggling with what I will write in this review – somebodies memories are what they are – memories and personal reflections. This is not a work of fiction where you can like or dislike the characters, or look for the plot twist or know it will all work out ok in the end. This is real. This life. And this is at times emotionally raw and blunt.

I picked up this book because I was looking for answers – I am not grieving but someone close to me is and it breaks my heart not being able to help them in their time of need. I discovered that grieving whether for a relationship that has been severed or a partner or relative that has died, no matter what reason…is difficult, traumatic, exhausting and so very personal. No one can feel the loss the way you feel the pain. No one can rally help you “get over” the severance of that cord that bound you together. You have to do that yourself and that takes time.

What I learned is that you can help by providing company, being a sounding board, checking in and seeing that everything is ok, giving hugs, providing the physical help – doing the dishes, hanging out the washing, making meals, reminding the grieving one that they are achieving, they have coped with organising/ dealing with all those mundane things that still need attention at this time; moving house, arranging/dealing with insurance companies, government departments, rental agencies, getting up each day and facing the next one...and by sharing that one day when you least expect it you will notice that life is just a little easier and the weight on your shoulders a little lighter.

This is a brave, at times blunt and open personal story of love and loss and the road to recovery.

[Clair Atkins · Rating 4 out of 5]

A friend suggested we read this at the same time so I didn't know much about it. It is a memoir of Lucie, whose husband dies suddenly at the age of only 37 and its her story of how she coped through the first 2 years along with her young daughter.
Despite the subject it is not a depressing book - she writes with humour but is also very honest which you have to admire her for and I liked her immensely. It sounds like she was surrounded by wonderful friends and family who seemed to know the right things to do and say (I'm not sure how I would console someone who has gone through this awful event).
Thankfully I haven't lost anyone in these circumstances although my mum died last year after a long illness so I took comfort from a line that the counsellor tells her "So you see, the grief doesn't get smaller - life just gets bigger" and I found that to be true - it is the only way you can survive.
Some people took a dislike to the way she referred to her husband as Him & He but I didn't mind this - I think it just shows how important he was to her.
Its a shame there isn't any recommended reading in the back or a link to the website she used for young widowers so people in a similar situation can reference the help she had. Even if she doesn't feel they helped her, it would be good reference for anyone who was reading it to help them.

[Bookread2day · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this heartbreaking.
Life After You by Lucie Brownlee is a memoir, which started life as a very personal blog, is a raw howl of disbelief at the speed with which a baby-making quickie could turn to life-shattering tragedy. On a freezing evening in February 2012 just before Take Me Out was due to start Lucie Brownlee and her husband Mark went to bed. Mid-way through having sex, Mark dropped dead on the pillow beside her. His last words were you've still got your socks on. This true story is based on survival and, cautiously, recovery. A wrenching funny read.

[Souska · Rating 3 out of 5]

أول ما يتبادر لذهن القارئ عند رؤية كيفة ما آلت إليه أحوال لو هو :يمكن لشخص ما أن يريك الطريق لكن لا أحد يمكن أن يسيره بدلا منك ، كلنا نتأرجح عالقين في مكان ما أو أو في حادث معين
الأماكن و الأحداث الّتي تخلف داخلنا جروحا عميقة و غير قابلة للشفاء في كثير من الأحيان، و كذلك الفقد كل من يفقد شخص ما يحدث في داخله فراغ هائل و لا شيء يمكن أن يملأه ، حالة من الضياع التي تعترينا و إحساس غريب بفقد الحياة لماعنيها
و استغلال الفرص يمكن أن يحدث أي شيء و يغير مجرى حياتنا في لحظة واحدة قد تتغير الحياة التي تعرفها و تختفي للأبد و كذلك الخوف الناتج عن الخسارة عند مقابلة فرصة جديدة

[Leanne · Rating 3 out of 5]

A personal blog of the first year following her husband's death a bit of a sad read but an easy one at that.

[Constance Blueberry · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an absolutely beautifully written memoir! I loved the way Lucie wrote this story so mutch

[Mummy Loves Books · Rating 2 out of 5]

There are times when writing a book review that you feel mean and a little concerned you may trample on the author's feelings. Honesty however is the order of the day and so for any negativity I'm about to impart, Lucie Brownlee, I apologise.

This book is the author's personal account of the sudden death of her husband, Mark, at the age of 38. It documents the immediate aftermath and the grieving process she went through in the 2 years following his death.

The problem I had with this book is that grief is such a very personal thing, no two people will experience it in exactly the same way. What will be right for one person may be abhorrent to another. Therefore I find it difficult writing this review to say that it was a bad book, because who am I to judge how the author chose to deal with this very personal and difficult time in her life.

The book was initially very engaging, her outline of the details surrounding the immediate aftermath of Mark's death were very thought provoking and a wry insight into how in a very British way we handle death and funeral planning. Where I began to struggle was with the author's apparent ongoing reliance upon alcohol to support her through her grief. Barely a page of the book went by where she wasn't downing a glass of wine, or talking about drinking to obliteration. I personally am not someone who drinks regularly, in fact so rarely my weekly intake is largely 0 units. This meant I struggled to relate to many of her experiences. Instead I kept wanting someone to desperately take her aside and get that under control. Instead of understanding her grief journey I just worried that as well as losing her father, Brownlee's young daughter was now subjected to watching her mother's slow descent into alcoholism.

The first 30% of the book was good but then it became too maudlin, instead of moving forward or outlining the impact upon anyone else the author seems to get stuck on herself. It is, I imagine, a book translated in part from the blog she began writing to help her grief. It should perhaps have stayed that way, good blogs do not always good books make.

My only reaction on finishing the book, having skimmed the last 30 pages, was "thank goodness that's over", unless this is something you have personally experienced or have helped someone else through I have the terrible fear that this book is nothing more than a depressing way to spend a few days.

[Damaskcat · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author's husband Mark died suddenly in his late thirties leaving her with a small child to bring up alone. As my long term partner died earlier this year I wanted to read this book to see whether the author's experiences on the roller coaster which is grief was at all similar to mine. There were many instances where I found myself nodding my head in agreement and at other times I was frowning in bewilderment or shaking my head in dismay.

I could empathise with the shock and horror and the sense of powerlessness when dealing with the medical profession and the unbearable fact that no one has all the answers to the ills of the body let alone cures for everything. I could recognise the numb feeling of disconnection. I couldn't identify with the sudden need for sex with almost anyone who offered or with the excessive drinking. I could see that I had taken the opposite stance on drink fearing that if I drank anything more than one drink at a time I might just drink too much.

As a slice of life this book is excellent and it really does capture how grief can affect you even if you can't identify with everything the author goes through. It makes you realise that you aren't alone and that most of us at some time will have to deal with the death of someone close to us. As the author says, having someone close to you die young removes from you the certainty that such things can't happen to you. It also for a time removes your ability to plan for the future.

I actually found this book more reassuring than the couple of non-fiction books I have tried to read about grief which simply reduced me to tears and made me feel worse. I recommend this book to anyone who has experienced the loss of someone close to them. I received a free copy of this book from NetGalley for review purposes.

[Jessie Lewis · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely ADORE this book.

I am not (thank my lucky stars) presently bereaved. Nor have I any reason to suspect I will be in the near future. (Fate, it is not my design to tempt you here; please turn away.) I cannot stress strongly enough, one does not have to be bereaved or even mildly miserable to benefit from this book. In fact, despite the fact that it regularly brought me not only to tears but on several occasions, actual sobs, I maintain that it is, perversely, one of the most life-affirming and uplifting books I have ever read.

Ms Brownlee's story is heart breaking--there's no getting away from that--but she tackles the issue with such incredible spirit, honesty and most of all humour, that it is impossible not to enjoy her telling of it. Who'd have thunk?

I finished this book wanting to grab life with both hands and LIVE it. I finished it in awe of the author--not only as an inspirational (annoying word, I know, but it fits here) example of a real-life, spirited, strong and honest woman, but as a writer. Her way with words is incredible. I saw from her blog that she has written before and it shows. The words flow well, the humour is very real and often unexpected, the raw emotion is presented (despite how difficult it must have been) in all its brutal glory.

Don't read this when you're feeling low; it's a tough journey. But DO read it. It is an incredible insight into human emotion and a bloody funny read. It's also an incredible tribute to the author's late husband. I sincerely wish her all the best in her endeavours to outwit Grief and hope that she writes many more books for me to devour in the future--though I sincerely hope none of them are inspired by such tragedy as she had to suffer to create this masterpiece.

Five stars, all day long.

[Bob · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hard to say anything critical about a book like this. The Mail's claim on the front cover that it is 'wrenchingly funny' is quite offensive. Yes, there are funny moments. There are always funny moments in the most dire of circumstances; we all know that. But don't pick this up thinking it's a comedy novel. It's not. It's honest and truthful and, at times, difficult to read. And yet it gives the reader a sense of privilege to share the moments within the three hundred and odd pages. From the start you know that you can trust Brownlee to carry you through this, just as she carried herself through the reality of it all. There are moments that will touch everyone at some point. Moments that hit home and remind us of the difficult and outrageous decisions we've had to make. The impossibility of getting your head around death and all the nonsense that goes with it. This could have been distasteful (as the Mail so wrongly suggests that it is, despite the word 'wrenchingly') or it could have been utterly maudlin and miserable but it is neither. It is a great read and will make you sad and it will make you smile and it will (I imagine) give hope to people who are suffering through their own personal problems by giving perspective and balance. And, despite it's subject matter, it's a book that can be enjoyed. I did.

[Book-shelf Shelf · Rating 4 out of 5]

A true story that will rip at the strongest of hearts, spit you out and then rip you to sheds again. This is a book which shows that we all suffer loss but how raw and unforgiving grief is when so unexpected and young. Lucie lost her husband and this is the book which tells of life straight after. If you are of a soft nature, be warned this is brutally honest and wide open scars are not always a pretty sight. I found it therapeutic and helpful to know someone else felt the same as we did a few years ago.

[Sharon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not sure how if I can put into words how good this book is! At the start I wasn't sure if I could carry on reading it, reading about Lucie's grief but I'm glad I carried on as Lucie did & she is an inspiration to us all in how she coped. Lucie told her story exactly as it was but managed to make me laugh as well as cry.

[Gaynor Spanswick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sad ,it made me cry ,but still couldn't put it down till I finished it .

[Wendy Armstrong · Rating 2 out of 5]

Gah - wanted to love it, but couldn't get past the capitalized pronouns He/Him/His, and something about the style didn't grab me. I'll return to it one day and try again.

[Cherry Goh · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book documents the two years after Lucie loses her husband Mark to sudden death when he was just 37 years old. The writing was refreshingly honest and I liked how Lucie didn't shy away from exploring the nitty gritty details of death (in the early chapters she mentioned how at the funeral directors she wanted to lift up her dead husband's t-shirt to see if there were belly button fluff). As someone who has experienced bereavement of a close family member I could relate to a lot of the emotions she shared.

I really 'enjoyed' this book though at times it was emotionally quite heavy at times. I found it fascinating reading her perspective of having bereavement counselling because in my professional hat I work as a counsellor! I have to admit that the constant reference to alcohol did put me off quite a bit and I couldn't quite relate to this aspect myself. Everyone's experience of bereavement is unique and I am happy for Lucie of where she reached at the end of 2 years post-Mark.

I know some other readers were put off by her capitalisation of 'Him' when referring to her husband, but I didn't see it this way, I interpreted it as her way of emphasising how important, crucial, and also perhaps god-like, her husband was to her. Her life revolved around him and how her world literally was turned upside down when he died. Overall a good read and I would recommend it to anyone and other counsellors interested in a first-hand account of bereavement.

[Natalie · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an absolutely beautifully written memoir! I loved the way Lucie wrote this. She suffered the worst imaginable tragedy, her husband died on her in the middle of making love, and she told us her story. Utterly heartbreaking, her husband Mark only being 37 years old and they had a young daughter together. But oh how lovely the memoir was, although it was written in grief and loss it was such a beautiful depiction of the life they shared for 10 years and how much she missed him.

Her bravery to put pen to paper to write about her experiences and her feelings not only coping with the loss of her husband and father to their child but also to managing everyone else's grief around her and how she felt she probably should be behaving in the situations that arose. She wrote so lovely about the memories she had and how she felt she couldn't cope without her husband but gradually things started to lessen, towards the end of the book there is hope in her future and I know this book is quite old now but I really hope she found a life of love and laughter and hope after the rubbish hand she was dealt.

[Louise · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was difficult to read for many reasons. The subject, dealing with the life of a widow as she struggles to pick herself up after the sudden death of her husband, is painful and heart wrenching. It’s honest and raw. I was expecting a story of hope and courage but those weren’t the strongest themes of the book. Grief is a strange thing and no one knows how they would react in the author’s position. However, I felt quite uncomfortable many times throughout the book as she recounted episodes of casual, unprotected sex and astonishingly selfish behaviour. Her grief was all-encompassing and overwhelming and can’t be underestimated but the book barely mentions Mark’s family and their grief. The message is that the wife’s grief is stronger and more painful than anyone else’s. What about Mark’s parents who lost their 37 year old son? Do they have a relationship with their granddaughter? These were gaps in the story that I would like to have had filled.

[Barbara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lucie Brownlee lost her husband suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 37, leaving her with a young child. This is her story of the first two years following his death.
I found this book unbearably sad in places - so much so that it actually took me two goes to read it all the way through. It became more bearable as the book went on, no doubt because the author's life became more bearable. The book is well-written, though I was not overly keen on the capitalisation of pronouns referring to Mark.
Everyone reacts in their own way to grief, but I'm sure that Lucie's reactions will chime with those of many other young widows.

[Mandy Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

I did really enjoy reading this book,it was sad and hard to read about Lucie’s pain but there were also funny parts. She is a naturally funny person. At first I thought it was a bit odd her husband was He or Him all the time but I got used to it and she can’t say Mark every time so it worked. I was surprised about the amount of alcohol she drank and could still look after her child but she is a Geordie and they have a strong constitution to drink! I am a southern lightweight. I was rooting for Lucee to find a way of dealing with the awful pain and at the end of the book it seemed like life was getting a tiny bit easier and happier.

[Madison Heard · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s not my usual book to read however I thought I’d give it a try, I couldn’t put it down then and read it in a day. I don’t see how it was funny, yes there were funny moments but mainly it was heartbreaking. So many moments that made you stop and think, not a lot happens in the plot. I think the main thing is the self growth, I was happy with how far Lucy had come. It’s real life which made it even sadder, it shows how grief really is and how different people deal with it although we all go through it in life. Some moments I wanted to cry, it’s well written and I’ll definitely be checking out the authors other books.

[Madeline · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very biased review because I’m grateful Lucie wrote this book in the first place. My partner/boyfriend/best friend died suddenly back in February and when you unexpectedly lose a significant other in your 30s you’re usually alone amongst your friends and don’t know of anyone who understands. Finding someone else who experienced something similar and reading her story is helpful for me, I’m glad she shared her story. And in order to process and move past grief you do find yourself being extremely introspective and selfish.

This isn’t a literary classic but for others who have lost partners at a young age suddenly and unexpectedly I highly recommend.

[Aileen · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this book to the end only because I wanted to know if Lucie would ever get over her all consuming grief or she would completely drown in alcohol.
I could not fathom why the mother of a small child could not concentrate on being the best for B.
Yes it was a sudden death, but and I speak from experience having lost my husband to cancer you can’t live with the dead. Embrace life, it is fragile, sometimes fleeting but every experience changes one and we learn. On reflection the book lives up to it’s title.

[Rachel pearson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I hate scoring books which are about someone personal emotions as it's how they feel and who am I to judge .
However , what i will say is the writing was lovely . I did find the book to drag on and that I found myself saying " I would of lived life and done it for my kids " but who am I to judge when I haven't been through grief of a husband.
So thank you for sharing your experience lucie Brownlee and I hope you find your happy place once again .

[Niki Touriki · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was really comforting and I recommend it to any person who has lost their life partner. Contrary to other grief books, this helps to go through all grief stages and to understand the roller-coaster grief is thru a memoir. Throughout the whole narrative, I felt surprised to find out how many times Lucie Brownlee´s thoughts and feelings reflected mine. It is really a treasure for anyone mourning the loss of their love.

[Becky Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

It gripped me from the start and it was incredibly powerful to talk about how painful and raw death can be. However, she seemed resentful of everyone else which is understandable but there didn't seem to be any personal growth by the end of the book. She had a drinking problem that was never properly addressed and the end didn't give any indication of how her relationship with Jamie was going. A solid three stars.

[Gilden · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am so very glad I have finished this book because it was so depressing and repetitive.

I don’t mean to be unfeeling and unsympathetic as I understand that the author had the most terrible experience losing her husband so suddenly in that way, however I just found the book so miserable. I don’t think I really understand why she felt the need to share a lot of it, hopefully getting it out there has helped her deal with her grief.

[Shannon · Rating 2 out of 5]

I feel terrible writing a review on someone's personal experiences and also on a book I couldn't finish.

But I struggled to get past the many pages of wine drinking and closing off.

I wish I could have read more of it but I just couldn't get through it.

I liked the personal touches and having lived in Newcastle a few of the places were very familiar to myself.

[Roslyn Valentino · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thought it was a bit unbelievable. I enjoyed the ending because it tied everything up but not a favorite book of mine. I also think it was a bit depressing and was slow to get going. I am not sure I would recommend.