Killing Esther

by Susan Shepherd

"I think there's something wrong with me."

My sister has lost the roundness in her face that has plagued her so since our trip to Sweden to visit our mother's birthplace. And she hardly takes up the little space between my chest of drawers and her side of our closet. She seems disturbed, in need of my sympathy, which I am quick to give though I have only two ugly dresses in that closet, her hand-me-downs, while her side is crammed with pretty little skirts, cashmere turtlenecks and buttoned-down blouses from Plain & Fancy. Esther is and always will be the favorite, and that's okay with me. But Esther is disappearing.

Esther was 16 when she began her descent into the madness of self-starvation, but her self-destruction didn't begin there. Our parents had laid the groundwork for her neuroses with years of histrionics and melodrama long before Esther considered her first calorie.

Killing Esther is a tragicomic tale of a toxic childhood. It is a bold memoir that is sometimes maddening, sometimes amusing, and will stay with the reader a long time after the last page is turned.

Alternate Cover Edition for ISBN13: 9781457533976.

Genres: Memoir

148 pages, Paperback

First published May 7, 2011

About the author

Susan Shepherd is a retired law enforcement officer who has spent most of her career interviewing criminals and writing reports for the Court. She lives on the North Fork of Long Island with her husband, three horses and four cats.

Reviews

[Esther]

well I've never... This was an advertisement for me.

[E J · Rating 2 out of 5]

Killing Esther could have done with a good, hard editing. I saw elements that hinted at Shepherd being a talented storyteller. The occasional turn of phrase or observation caught my eye. And yes, her story is sad. Should, in fact, have been heartbreaking. But it was overwhelmed by the sheer pointlessness of the story, the typos, the useless details included, and the important details excluded.
I couldn't tell you what Shepherd hoped to accomplish with this book except maybe to let the world know that she endured a pretty unfortunate childhood in which she was unwanted and shoved to the side.
Was it supposed to be about Esther's anorexia? Kind of. But it neither paid enough attention to what Esther may have been going through nor did it really delve into how her illness affected her family. Except to say that she wasn't good to them. To me it felt like it was written from a place of pettiness, of a desire to finally out her dead sister as the selfish caricature detailed in this book.
I wanted more from Killing Esther at the same time as I wanted less. More focus, more drive, more care with words. Less meandering, and fewer memories from under the age of 6 (which made up a good chunk of the book and were really absurd).
The narrative voice was strangely childish throughout. I'm not sure if it was because the story didn't really delve into adulthood and we were supposed to be experiencing the memories along with the author in a way she imagined she may have voiced them at the age of the experience, or if that's simply her style. Either way I found it offputting.
There were moments of real clarity and cleverness. Childhood fears and adolescent crushes were brought to life with skill. But over all I just couldn't get into it.

I also found the part where it turns out her aunt has been drugging her for weeks totally bizarre. It came out of nowhere. Why was her aunt doing it? To what purpose? How did she find out for certain that that was what was happening? Why did her brother comment that she was (to paraphrase) acting like the most schizophrenic person ever?
That bit really threw me for a loop.

[KRISTINE MURPHY]

Being able to follow because I was there for the later years of Esther's tragic end I found it heartbreaking all over again. Although I don't remember the timeline the same way Susan does, as I am her outcast bff "Kris". Happily I didn't know that until now so that's okay. We had a long friendship that I wouldn't change except the part that the Urciola boy was too bright for me. Susan wasn't really interested in him anyway. I couldn't have ostracized Susan a month before our graduation, as I graduated early in January and wasn't there. I was and am of much better character than that. People do grow apart but I was still around when Susan went to Binghamton and when Esther past away. This is Susan's story of her family's trials. I was just a part
and I hope mostly good. Cheers to your success, healing and happiness. You are thought of often. Love, Kris.

[Skyler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Killing Esther is a dark, edgy memoir that penetrates your porous bones and leaves you chilled to the core. There are many stories of childhoods gone awry, of innocence lost, but nothing quite like this one. Between these pages lies a story of survival, familial discord, and an illness so toxic it infects everyone it touches. How could you not resent the sister who, when you were only four years old, convinced you to jump in a hole so that she could leap onto your back and leave you with two sprained ankles, tear-stained cheeks, and no comfort in sight? Ever since she was a child, Susan Shepherd has known that her sister is trouble with a capital "T." Esther's caustic words are the bane of her obsessive, perfectionist mind. Sweetness oozes from her pores, but the bitterness lurks deep inside. Despite Esther's anorexia, life goes on. Despite the fact that Esther is slowing starving herself until her bones poke through her skin, until she is so far gone that she cannot be saved, life continues. And Susan? She'll be left to weather the storm and pick up the pieces of the sister who faded away.

[Emily Kestrel]

DNF at 50%. With all due respect to Tolstoy and his famous quote, I'm starting to think that unhappy families are pretty much alike as well. There's only so many ways to be dysfunctional after all. But the reason I've decided to DNF this is because I'm not much of a fan of memoirs where authors describe detailed memories and conversations from early childhood (in this case, age 6 and below up to where I stopped), and the writing's kind jumpy.

[Beatris Buckles · Rating 5 out of 5]

A powerful story told by a powerful voice. I truly enjoyed the style of Susan Shepherd’s writing. The violence was actually fascinating to watch unfold and only because of the way she described it. It’s a harrowing memoir that reads like entertainment, like something between a dark comedy and a neighborhood thriller. I enjoyed it from beginning to end.

[Gerry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simply a masterpiece.

[Corinna · Rating 4 out of 5]

A strange, haunting book.