Controlled: The Worst Night of My Life and Its Aftermath

by Neesha Arter

In her debut memoir, Controlled, Neesha Arter shares the year of her life that followed a harrowing crime. When she was 14 years old, she was sexually assaulted by people she had no reason to mistrust. She tried, subsequently, to reconcile feelings of guilt and shame by searching for a means of control. In a whirlwind of legal proceedings, family conflicts, and loss of identity, Arter succumbed to anorexia as the only way to find her childhood self in an unraveling world. Ten years later, she is able to look back with healing insight about the importance of speaking uncomfortable truths. “With hauntingly vivid detail, Neesha Arter’s Controlled brings the trauma of surviving sexual assault to life. In the midst of profound pain, she finds indefatigable courage—a force so palpable it stays with you long after the final page. Fearlessly intimate and strikingly honest, it’s a gripping tale not simply of survival, but the refusal to be silenced. Her first memoir is rife with suffering and bursting at the seams with hope. I felt it in my bones—and still do.” -Abby Haglage (The Daily Beast)“Neesha Arter’s honest, no holds barred account of stolen innocence is an important entry into understanding the sexual violence so many girls and women experience. Arter not only illustrates the devastating effects of her assault, the familial betrayal she faced, and her own self-harm, but also chronicles how she conquered these tremendous adversities. Controlled depicts the power of a young woman who chose to own her story.” -Lane Florsheim (Marie Claire)“Neesha Arter puts a name, a face and a riveting, rocking, shame-free and utterly gifted writing voice to an all too common female coming-of-age experience, sexual assault. Required reading for parents and educators and especially for teen boys and men who care about women and girls.”- Nina Burleigh (Bestselling Author of The Fatal Gift of The Trials of Amanda Knox)“I haven’t come across so much bravery, honesty and flat-out gutsy writing in a long time. Neesha Arter tackles a difficult subject with grace and simply gorgeous writing. Her beautiful prose soothes the hard edges of the story she tells. She has the ability to bring the reader very close and hold us there for the entire length of the book. You won’t be able to put this one down. A stunning debut.” -Margot Berwin (Bestselling Author of Hothouse Flower and the Nine Plants of Desire)"Controlled reveals the true courage needed to face terrible experiences, by so many young women around the world. Neesha's brave spirit should be a beacon of hope for others and her compelling account, while harrowing in places, will enlighten readers of any age." -Sarah Kennedy (New York Observer)"Neesha’s powerful words send an impactful message that stay with you long after reading. She reminds us to always listen to our instinct, do not rationalize.”-Laurice Rahme (United Nations Women for Peace Association Peace Award recipient / Founder of Bond No. 9 New York)"While much media about sexual assault focuses on the college arena, Arter's courageous Controlled reminds us that these issues start much earlier. A crucially important read."-Annie E. Clark (Co-Founder, End Rape on Campus)“Neesha Arter provides a relatable voice for countless victims of sexual assault and the trauma that tends to occur as a result. While Controlled is filled with graphic descriptions and painful discoveries, it's a gripping story that will serve as a lesson to those who have been Arter's shoes and those who have never encountered this hardship.

Genres: Mental Health, Memoir, Nonfiction

202 pages, Kindle Edition

First published August 11, 2015

About the author

Neesha Arter is a journalist and author based in New York City. Arter's work has appeared in the New York Times, The Daily Beast, the New York Observer, New York Magazine, Interview, Teen Vogue and others.

CONTROLLED is her debut memoir.

Reviews

[Megs Jaco · Rating 4 out of 5]

an incredibly powerful and raw memoir that takes readers on an emotional journey through trauma, resilience, and self-discovery. the author opens up about a harrowing experience that completely changed her life, sharing the details of the worst night she endured and the impact it had on her in the days and months that followed. the author is extremely honest and vulnerable. the story is a testament to the power of healing and the importance of seeking support in times of crisis.

Controlled is a deeply moving read that will resonate with anyone who has faced adversity. it's a story of survival, growth, and the ongoing process of healing. highly recommend this book for anyone looking for an inspiring and thought-provoking memoir.

[Lisa-Jaine · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wow this woman went through a lot of self blame and punishment over an incident that took place when she was 14 and at her relatives' home. The relatives themselves cut her off and ladled blame and thats too much for a young adolescent girl to have to bear. She works through her issues in this book and I completely understand why she felt she had to have some type of control. I didnt like the cover, initially I thought it was one of those trashy bdsm books which all seem to have control in the title. I'm glad I looked further.

I was disappointed that we didn't get to know how the older Neesha fared, whether it affected her making any future relationships etc.

[Amy Elaine · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a very well-written but tough read. The author recounts her rape at the age of 14 and the subsequent eating disorder that she developed in an effort to have control over her body when she felt she had lost it.

The details she provides about her thoughts as well as her descriptions of her interactions with her parents, friends and therapist are all incredibly helpful in giving the reader first hand insight into what it is like to develop an eating disorder.

[Kꌗꓘ · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5

[Alexis Nascimento · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is a tough book to review. I commend the author for sharing her story, and I feel sympathy for the horrifying situation that took place. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. With that said, this book is painful to read, and it's not just the subject matter. There wasn't any emotion in this book, so it was hard to stir up my emotions and connect with the author. Every chapter felt like the same as before, and in the end, her perseverance over the assault (and subsequent self-destruction) left much to be desired. (The epilogue helped, but it too was lacking closure.) I get that this is a memoir, and that the subject matter is awful, but it seemed very juvenile and poorly written. IMHO, skip this one. (Side note: I do highly recommend "Lucky" by Alice Sebold. Excellent memoir on a similar subject.)

[AMBROSIA BERLIN PARR · Rating 5 out of 5]

Epic Memoir

A heartrenching, brutally honest journey that all females of childhood sexual assault with eating disorders should read.....Thank you Neesha Carter for sharing your story.