Barefoot to Avalon: A Brother's Story

by David Payne

From a New York Times Notable author comes a “fiercely honest . . . and utterly heartbreaking” memoir of brotherhood, grief, and mental illness (Jay McInerney).   In 2000, while moving his household from Vermont to North Carolina, author David Payne watched from his rearview mirror as his younger brother, George A., driving behind him in a two-man convoy of rental trucks, lost control of his vehicle, fishtailed, flipped over in the road, and died instantly. Soon thereafter, David’s life entered a downward spiral that lasted several years. His career came to a standstill, his marriage disintegrated, and his drinking went from a cocktail hour indulgence to a full-blown addiction. He found himself haunted not only by George A.’s death, but also by his brother’s manic depression, a hereditary illness that overlaid a dark and violent family history whose roots now gripped David, threatening both his and his children’s futures. The only way out, he found, was to write about his brother.   This is the “piercing . . . tour de force” account of David and George A.’s boyhood footrace that lasted long into their adulthood, defining their relationship and their lives (Los Angeles Times). As universal as it is intimate, this is an exceptional memoir of sibling rivalry and sibling love, and of the torments a family can hold silent and carry across generations. A story not only of survival in the face of adversity but of hard-won wisdom, Barefoot to Avalon is “an elegy to a brother that plumbs depths beyond depths—a fever-dream of a memoir, a blazing map of familial love and loss, headlong and heartbreaking and gorgeously written” (James Kaplan, national bestselling author of The Voice and The Chairman).

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Biography Memoir, Biography, Mental Illness, Book Club

272 pages, Kindle Edition

First published April 7, 2015

About the author

David Payne was born in North Carolina and attended the Phillips Exeter Academy and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. He is the author of five novels-- Confessions of a Taoist on Wall Street, Early From the Dance, Ruin Creek, Gravesend Light, Back to Wando Passo--and a memoir, Barefoot to Avalon: A Brother's Story, forthcoming from Grove Atlantic in August 2015. Visit his author website at www.davidpaynebooks.com.

Linda Barrett Osborne, Washington Post Book World:
"[Payne] understands that place most families inhabit-somewhere between love and necessity, between truth and myth, between self and the expectations, the dreams and, ultimately, the separateness of others... Writing this fine evokes a past time, but also a state of boyhood that is timeless."

Reviews

[Deborah Summers · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most compelling and rich memoirs I've read. Payne's courage and brutal honesty fly off the page to hit you where it hurts. Somehow he's captured those sacred, guarded family and personal myths that churn out of reach through generations and has laid them bare. The nonlinear narrative is exactly how it would play in your head, not in the physical world... The story circled and circled until reaching the central event, the accident, which could only be understood in the context of the circles around it. I think of those coin vortex things I loved as a kid. The quarter spins wide and slow in the same pattern, almost generational, until it flies fast and tight and furious at the end and then suddenly drops. That's how his story felt for me, both from a chronology standpoint and from the narrator's understanding of the family patterns... He circles closer and closer until he's almost got it, but there's no center before the bottom drops out. Payne privileges the questions over an Answer, and the book is so complex and beautiful I'm still processing.

[Larry H · Rating 4 out of 5]

I first stumbled upon David Payne's writing when I read his second novel, Early from the Dance , in 1989. That book about the dazzling and paralyzing power of friendship utterly captivated me, and there was a brief moment of folly where I was interested in optioning it for a film adaptation, but as a poor college student, nothing came of that. However, I became a Payne fan for life, reading his first book ( Confessions of a Taoist on Wall Street ) and every subsequent book as it was released.

Even loving Payne's writing didn't prepare me for the powerful emotions he conveyed in Barefoot to Avalon , the story of George A., his younger brother, who was killed in a car accident while helping David move from his home in Vermont to his new home in North Carolina. While George A. appeared to have many things David didn't while they were growing up—an easy confidence, athletic grace, a drive to succeed—he also suffered from bipolar disorder and manic depression, which derailed his life multiple times, threatening to ruin any successes he was able to achieve.

Barefoot to Avalon is not only the story of a sibling rivalry that lasted long into adulthood, it's the story of mental illness and alcoholism that pervaded many generations of Payne's family on both sides. It's also the story of Payne's own resentments, fears, and inadequacies, about his relationships with his family members, the women in his life, and later, his children. For while everyone knew of George A.'s struggles, David was nearly incapacitated numerous times by his own, putting his career, his relationships, and his family at risk.

"How much of [George A's] incapacitation is bipolar I disorder, and how much is the old family sickness, hostile dependency, by which the weak and sick and injured depend upon and hold the strong ones hostage, and the strong ones, in the name of goodness and self-sacrifice, help the weak and disable them entirely?"

If you've ever struggled to figure where you fit in your family, resented parents or siblings for neglecting you or appearing to favor another over you, this book will resonate. And if you have unresolved guilt about a failed relationship with a family member, this book will probably hit you hard. As you might imagine from the subject matter, this is a book of deep, sometimes painful introspection, and exploration of how our family history and family dynamics have a role in helping us soar as well as prompting us to sink.

While I'm the oldest of four, my two brothers are both much younger than I am, so we didn't have the relationship or the rivalries that David and George A. had when they were growing up. But even so, some of the issues David confronted and told about in the book rang true for me and moved me quite a bit. This is a heavy book, sometimes getting tangled in its own words and emotions, but ultimately it is a book of healing and hope, one that I felt privileged to experience.

See all of my reviews at http://itseithersadnessoreuphoria.blo....

[Allegra Jordan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This work sets the standard for honest self-reflection. It is one of the bravest, most unflinching looks into one's soul and one's family that I have read. David Payne rightly deserves the high praise being heaped upon this tour de force for his willingness to walk into the recesses of the past and reforge meaning from the broken shards of his life. Highly recommended.

[doug smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the most honest and sad book about love that I have ever read.

This was the most honest and sad book about love that I have ever had the honor to read. And I say honor because to witness David Payne's struggle to come to terms with his complicated feelings for his brother show how truly he honestly felt for him What a beautiful book.

[Ann · Rating 4 out of 5]

Payne has a unique and effective writing style in this work. I found myself re-reading certain passages just to savor the words and Payne's skill in manipulating their cadence and effect. The title of the memoir, "A Brother's Story," is a play on words. The cover photo and flyleaf lead the reader to believe the book is about the author's brother, who died in a tragic accident, but it is even more about the author himself (he is, in fact, the "brother"). I found that I connected with the book more towards the last third, when the author stepped away from his excruciatingly self-focused play-by-play and offered some thoughts that I felt were true of the human experience rather than of his torment alone.

This was a hard book to read. It is raw and honest and full of pain. I was torn between admiration for Payne's bravery in telling this story and concern for his fixation on the tragic life experiences of his family. Perhaps this memoir was a kind of therapy for the author, exorcising his demons so that he can finally let go of the past. I truly hope so.

[Clifford · Rating 5 out of 5]

The breathless story of two brothers. See my full review here: Review of Barefoot to Avalon

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Barefoot To Avalon A Brother's Story" is author David Payne's emotionally articulate forthright memoir of family ties, of brotherly love, sibling rivalry, parental/family history and influence of Southern culture in Eastern Piedmont North Carolina.

Raised in Hendersonville, N.C. Payne candidly reveals his conflicted family history which included mental illness and suicide deaths of many family members. The Rose Oil Company afforded the family a degree of wealth, privilege and social status. The book, "The Help" (2009) came to mind, as the author thoughtfully recalled being raised by their black housekeeper.
The author seemed to have a hot temper like his father Bill, they argued/fought often. The completion and rivalry between the author and younger brother George A. was obvious, he admitted the self pity, pettiness of his attitude, believing himself to be fair, neutral, though knowing he wasn't. Another brother was briefly mentioned but oddly left out of the story. There was plenty of blame to go around "Roses against the Payne's": Bill blamed his son's ungratefulness and unhappiness on the influence of his wife Marjorie, unable to see the influence of his own negativity. Bill, rose to president of Rose Oil Company. However, with his tendencies to drink and gamble, he pocketed company funds, forfeited his pension, and moved to Florida in disgrace.

In spite of his diagnosis of bipolar disorder, George A. at one time was a successful stock broker, husband and family man, enjoying extended periods of stability. When George A. experienced a break down, his weight dropping from 215 to 160 lbs. David was the only one who could coax him into treatment at Mandala. Later, on a cross- country family move George A. arrived to help David out. (From the Book)...
"He flies up to help and give eight days of his life to a brother who has made no secret of his disapproval, and those eight days prove to be George A.'s last ones though of course neither of us knows it. I have been mad at him for years because he's taken so much and given back so little."

I loved the genuine honestly of the story, Payne often revealed his own unpleasantness, especially concerning his marriage to his wife Stacy. The metaphor of the brother and sister relationship of Hansel and Gretel to his marriage is among the best writing ever. In his need for solitude to write, with the challenge to get along reasonably with others, wasn't easy for him, yet we can understand where he is coming from in this revealing heartfelt memoir.

A notable NYT bestselling novelist, David Payne is the author of Ruin Creek (1993) and several other commercially released titles. Educated at Phillips Exeter Academy and the University of North Carolina, he lives with his family in North Carolina. Thanks to the Seattle Public Library for loan of this e-book edition.

[Kay Goldstein · Rating 5 out of 5]

Barefoot to Avalon is a powerful, honest memoir of a family, much like any upper middle class family living in a small southern city. And like many families where achievement, social standing and appearances weave a veil of propriety and public image, the tragic mental decline and death of the author's brother compels the author to unravel the secrets, myths and shadows that are a parallel universe lurking not so far beneath that veil. In the hands of author David Payne, we are spared nothing, but in his heartbreakingly beautiful prose, his powerful storytelling and his brutally honest recounting, we know from the beginning that we can trust him to go the distance. Much of the book was fevered and painful and yet always imbued with the knowledge that life beneath was still there. The reader is left feeling that one has followed the author not just through the mud, but also to a clear and shiny jewel of compassion and self knowledge, not just precious, but alive and beating.

There were many stream of conscious passages that sweep us into the world of magical thinking, alcohol infused self deception and being locked in a way of thinking and acting that only brings more of the same. So much truth poured upon the page- even when we want to say "Oh no, don't think like that, don't go there.” We are left with the gift of the author's honesty and the courage it required to speak and write it. Payne has captured the intricacies of relationships and the ways that they can fail us and we fail them. He has walked us step by step through the anxiety, the helplessness, the guilt and the self deceptions of a family confronted with a terrifying and destructive mental illness.

Because the truth is never obscured or apologetic, there is an opportunity for healing and forgiveness for Payne and therefore his readers. He says in his moving epilogue:

"I’m sorry, George A., sorry I wasn’t a better man, a better brother to you. Nothing worked out as we hoped, and my plan to save you—which boiled down to teaching you to be another David—didn’t work out so well even for its owner, small wonder you declined it. And what I failed to grasp was that even if you wished to save yourself, perhaps you simply couldn’t. And in the last act, you came to get me home and died along the highway."

One can only think that perhaps in fact, that Payne's brother, George A, has indeed gotten him home.

[Nancy Peacock · Rating 5 out of 5]

Payne's writing has a rolling energy that matches the emotional content of his story. He is masterful at moving back and forth and forward and backward in time, and he does not do this for no reason. Everything Payne does in this book contributes to the story. This is one of the most masterful books I've ever read.

And it made me think about my own history, my own choices, where I was doing better than I thought I was and where I was doing worse than I let on.

Great book. I highly recommend this one.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

David Payne has engaged in a deeply honest telling of families with his moving memoir of his brother George A. His writing style reads like the inner workings of his mind as he carries out this cathartic reckoning. His profound statements about the things we lie to ourselves about in relationships, specifically in parent-child ones, will resonate universally. I will put this up there as one I will never forget. Excellent, excellent.

[Jaclyn Day · Rating 5 out of 5]

A searing memoir. Payne’s writing is honest and beautiful. The complexities of family ties, the unforgiving torment of mental health issues, and the inescapable bond between siblings are all explored here in self-aware, raw candor. So, so good.

[Bill · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wanted to love this book, and I did in stretches, but not throughout. I appreciated the author's willingness to explore his unvarnished darkness and to better understand his brother. He was a bit less successful than Didion with his repeated incantations of the same words and phrases.

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book made me feel too much. I loved it. I love David Payne.

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Barefoot to Avalon, a Brother’s Story, is David Payne’s sixth published book and memoir that is insightful, raw, and gut-wrenching. It’s the story of an unconventional childhood and a dysfunctional family whelmed by tragedy. Barefoot to Avalon focuses on the violent death of David’s brother, George A., and the years and moments leading up to the horrific accident—a familial thread of resentment and feelings not communicated. Feelings not spoken just hours before George A.’s death, which David witnessed. Their father pitted the two against one another since childhood, while their mother did nothing to mitigate. David’s brother lived with mental illness for much of his life, and because George A. was high functioning, his breakdowns were difficult for those around him to understand and he received little empathy. Yet, when David was wrestling with a declining career, alcoholism, and a marriage near its breaking point, George A. was there to help him move from Vermont to North Carolina for a chance at a fresh start with his wife and children. After a week of near silent brotherly bonding while reducing David’s life to the contents of two trucks, David and George A. set out on the highway. George A. lost his life, and David could only watch.

While I enjoyed David Payne’s novels Gravesend Light and Early from the Dance, I was utterly engrossed in his memoir from beginning to end. Barefoot to Avalon reads as though it were written from the author’s heart and with brutal honesty. At times, I found the writing style difficult to follow. There are stream-of-consciousness narratives that tripped me up, and the author shifts from one time period to another often, sometimes more than once in a paragraph. I understand why he may have written in that fashion, possibly to convey the chaos in his heart and mind, but I personally prefer a more fluid, chronological structure. It did not, however, take away from the story of his relationship with his brother, his brother’s battles, and his own battles. It is a sincere glimpse into the life of an acclaimed novelist and into the heartache and tragedy of human life. If you enjoy memoir, I highly recommend Barefoot to Avalon.

[Jonathan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would give this books six stars if I could. I read it in just a handful of days, most of which were extra long workdays, so I was staying up late to extend my reading time.

The narrator's analysis of the dynamics and patterns in his family made me reflect a lot on my own family. I felt like I could relate, and I certainly agree with the book-jacket descriptions from fellow authors such as "powerful and penetrating" as well as "a new standard for memoir."

I found it energizing in a way that other books usually aren't. It's one of my favorite reads from the past few years. Each night when I had finished a reading session and left myself fewer than enough hours to sleep before my next workday, I still wanted to write a note to an old English teacher, drive somewhere and buy copies of the book for my brother and my dad, or sit down and start a personal essay of my own.

[Sean Kinch · Rating 5 out of 5]

Payne says in this memoir of his brother's death and three generations of family trauma that for decades he wrote about his family, but through the medium of fiction (novels such as RUIN CREEK and EARLY FROM THE DANCE). Now he attempts to come to terms with the unvarnished truth. An honest and moving account of the writer's life, of his brother's struggles with bi-polar disorder, and of his own alcoholism and doomed marriage, this book also provides a key for understanding his novels. My sincere hope is that, with this personal work of non-fiction behind him, Payne can go back to writing his wonderful novels.

[Beatleduck23 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Powerful, compelling, and thoughtful, Barefoot to Avalon is David Payne's meditation on his brother's long struggle with bi-polar disorder and early tragic death. The relationship between Payne and his brother George A. could carry the book by itself, but Payne digs deeper, reflecting on his family's dark, troubled, and sometimes violent past and how it shaped Payne's life as a writer and a man. Though far from sentimental, Payne's love for his brother is evident on nearly every page, a love filled with affection, anger, jealousy, and care, equal parts rivalry and loyalty; a complex and honest love that many readers will recognize from their own family relations. Highly recommended.

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Since I have promised to give an honest review - here goes. Knew what the book was about and that it was true. But I literally had to keep walking away from the depessive whiney story. Do not know what all the cudos are about

[Jade · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brutal.

[Aaron Segal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow...a stunning book. Piercing, honest and raw. One of the best I have read this year.

[Naimi · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found the book somewhat disjointed and hard to get into.

[Allison · Rating 5 out of 5]

Most of us can relate - at least a little - to family trauma and sibling rivalry. This book takes a deep dive in, visiting and revisiting events that seem almost mundane on the surface. This is a painful process, made palatable only by the skillful writing. I feel changed for having read it.

[Pamela J · Rating 4 out of 5]

A powerful memoir for its prose, honesty, and love.

Payne's writing shows an honest probe into asking questions about Who We Are, filial love, love in general, illusions of family, and other questions. It is written without pity or victimhood, and it is not overwrought with sentimentality.

If anyone has lived with a family member, specifically with a sibling, who has had a disability, disease, or mental illness, resentment, sorrow, and anger can get confused. And in this memoir, Payne is courageous to explore those deeply rooted and sometimes buried feelings and to "sound out the depths" not of Thoreau's Walden pond but of the human heart and psyche. He owns his path and choices; I think, by his brother's death, he understands and seeks to change his life's course. He breaks the pattern of what has not been working and challenges himself to find another way.

A brave, thoughtful, marrow-deep examination of oneself and one's relationships with loved ones, especially with a sometime-rival brother.

[Diane · Rating 3 out of 5]

This seems to be part memoir and part apologia to the author’s brother. I have learned over the years that all families have dysfunctional parts. It is my belief that becoming an adult is dealing with those dysfunctions and moving beyond them in a loving and positive way. The author seems to have had a lot of trouble doing that, and has written this book to try to come to terms with his own life and his resentment of his brother. I found it frustrating to read at times but there were enough pieces that resonated to keep me going. It is a sad story. I think and hope that the author rises at the end.

[Martin · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was a tough read. Not only did I not care for the author's writing style of stream of consciousness run on sentences, but I did not care for him as a person. Despite his brutal honesty, the author comes across as jealous, petty and with a very long list of acting out behavior towards family members and love interests. The book revolves around his reflections of a handsome younger brother, who was clearly the favored son and knew how to better negotiate life with their difficult parents. The brother develops manic depression and dies in a car accident while helping the author transport his household goods from Vermont to North Carolina .

[Jill Wolf · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book from the first to last page. A true story, so well written and a real gem. Hard to find books like this that transport you and make the reading experience unique. Its non fiction but reads like a thriller. I read it after watching the author on Charlie Rose, he was intelligent, humble and eloquent all these traits come out in his book.

[Margaret Fast · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not a fan of stream-of- consciousness writing. Author seems very full of himself; cannot fathom his angst about the silly shotgun. Maybe dysfunctional families are not me t to be understood.

[Tee · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best memoir I have ever read.

[Tala Elbanna · Rating 5 out of 5]

How true and heartfelt can a book be?
On family feuds and life’s ups and downs, Barefoot to Avalon is a beautiful account of a good chunk of David’s life. David’s way with words is just so artistic, so real. There were many times where I thought I was with them. The descriptions, depictions and examples he used were just so specific and relatable. For instance, the following sentence touches deep: “Her inch-long bangs look radical and self-inflicted, the sort of thing you do in the bathroom mirror late at night in a cold-water flat in the East Village or Adams Morgan when you want to make a major change and your hair is what you have to work with.”

One thing that confused me multiple times in the story was Payne’s frequent digression. I was lost a couple of times in the time zones. Nonetheless, I loved it all the same, as it depicted the connection of thoughts and events in his mind.

My heart broke a little when Bill, David’s dad told him, “I’m Prufrock, don’t you be, David. Measure out your life in gallons, bushels, hogsheads, don’t be dissuaded by the woman or the women on the sofas, even if she’s your pregnant girlfriend or your wife or mother and you love her, ask your overwhelming question and don’t let anybody stop you, go, Godspeed, goddamn you, go, and may you have the victory I thought I’d have but stepped aside to give you. This is your fate, written in the manifest, not in ink but in the blood of our parental sacrifice.”
As heartbreaking as Bill’s words are, so is the rest of the story. Talk about George A. and everything about his story that just made me deep-down sad, and about Margaret, their mother, whose patience surpasses many others’. And about trying too hard to make a living and about writing and the stress of having to finish a book within a certain timeframe. And about falling into and out of love, and about raising children and loving them. And about self-reflection and wrongdoings and healing. And about the worst enemy of all, regret. How we could all go back in time if we had the choice.

I’ve been wanting to read this book for years, and it has wholeheartedly been worth the wait.

[Teagan Pike · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar type for almost 10 years. With that in mind, when I was given a basic synopsis of this novel I was wary of reading it. I find accounts of mental health crisises very anxiety inducing. That said, this was a very well done, autobiographical prose. The author is brutally honest and self aware, but thankfully not self deprecating (self pity is tiresome).

This book isn't just about the loss of a loved one. It is about the author's family trauma, making mistakes, regret, and the feelings of being lost in the world and learning to understand himself and the people in his life. I found it very relatable, but not in any way that brings me comfort. I found the author unlikeable for the most part, but the things I disliked about him are things that I have disliked about past versions of myself. I can't help but want him to achieve the peace he is seeking as someone who has been where he has been in a lot of ways.

This book may end up being not for you; however, to me, it was a refreshingly straightforward and intimate account of another human beings life. It helped me put a lot of my own trauma and experiences in new perspectives.