Conversations with Larry Xenomorph

by Jay Cole

Xenomorph noun - alien
Tony Sterling had a great life, working on Wall Street and living on Park Avenue, then he met Larry Xenomorph!
“I can’t pronounce his real name without giving myself a hernia, so I call him Larry.”

Tony had never before experienced a severe shock, certainly nothing like the shock of an alien abduction. Then, an ER doctor introduces him to a hypodermic needle that would calm a charging rhino, and he wakes up in the mental health wing of Sunny Park Hospital.
“Doc, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is I’m screwed!”

If you’re talking to aliens, you’re crazy, but if it’s true, how do you convince your fabulously beautiful psychiatrist that reality is indeed stranger than science fiction. And by the way, would she consider a romantic dinner with a wealthy, charming and thoroughly infatuated mental patient?
“You need a really great pickup line when you’re wearing a straitjacket.”

Romantic comedy with a sci-fi twist!

226 pages, Kindle Edition

First published July 31, 2015

About the author

BLOG: Find Your Funny - Learn the craft of writing with a touch of humor!
*My blog is currently on hiatus, possibly because I couldn't find a low-atus or middling-atus, but most likely because my time was drawn elsewhere when my life took a little turn toward the complicated. However, have no fear. One of these days, my blog will likely resume as I'll suddenly remember that I like to hear myself talk.*

Jay Cole is a writer of immense talent and insight. He lives in Vermont on a maple syrup farm with his wife of thirty-two years, Maxine, their three lovely children, Number One, Number Two, and Number Three, and his dog, Worthless. Jay Cole personally wrote this biographical blurb, and he has absolutely no shame about lying like a rug.

. . . That about covers as much of my personal life as I’d like to post on the government’s NSA servers. (Relax, paranoia is just a hobby.)

My real story is one of laughter. As soon as I learned to read at about age five, I asked Santa for joke books. I wrote my first short story in fourth grade, and it was not a homework assignment. The written word simply appeals to me, especially when it reveals the absurdities of life that so often drop in on our daily routine without notice.

I’ve worked on scripts for film and television, novels and non-fiction, speeches and standup comedy. I've written romantic comedies, science fiction, action adventure, and a host of other genres. I much prefer humor and comedy. In all, I’ve found that the humor in life is a vital resource that we all share. Everybody laughs, and isn’t that truly marvelous!

Reviews

[Kat · Rating 5 out of 5]

The blurp and the cover enticed me, so I bought it and wasn't disappointed!

Tony finds himself in a mental hospital after Larry the alien abducts him onto his spaceship.

I don't want to give any of the story away, so I'll stop right there. But let me say, this story was witty, funny, and well written. We get to know the characters better and better as the story progresses ( for example, I thought for quite a while Monty was playing with a ball ), and Tony has to face it all without REALLY losing his mind.

I have very little time to read, and can only squeeze in half a chapter at a time, but I was really looking forward to my daily dose of Tony and Larry. I read the last few chapters at a bus stop on my way home, letting several buses pass because I would have to stand and wouldn't be able to read on the journey. I enjoyed it that much!

I just ordered Mr Cole's other book, and trust the characters in it are just as colourful.

[J C Steel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jay Cole’s Conversations with Larry Xenomorph starts in a padded cell and a straitjacket. Tony Sterling, New York stock trader, committed the faux pas of appearing in the middle of the New York Stock Exchange trading floor after his lunch break stark naked and claiming that he’d been abducted by aliens. The New York legal and medical systems have a tried and tested procedure in place for that kind of behaviour, and Tony found himself admitted to Sunny Park hospital in short order. His admission to psychiatric care didn’t prevent the alien from beaming him up to orbit at frequent intervals, any more than his decision to tell his doctors the truth persuaded them that he wasn’t delusional. All in all, the only thing Tony had to look forwards to, in his involuntary professional reincarnation as a wise-ass, was feeding Larry as much inaccurate information as the alien would swallow...

Conversations with Larry Xenomorph is a devastatingly, hilariously accurate commentary on every aspect of current society from Facebook to political correctness to the reason for the CIA, as told by a stock broker to an alien from outer space. Jay Cole’s characters are brilliantly depicted and utterly convincing, bringing their own colour to the story, from the engineer who feathers his chess pieces to Nurse Mo’s complete incapacity to use full sentences faced with Nurse Tammy. Peppered with one-line knock-downs and edged with impeccably-timed satire, this book officially marks the first time I’ve ever cried with laughter on a bus. I can’t over-recommend it.

[Ana Meyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quirky and Fun :) I love a change of pace. As a reviewer I get a lot of books and I mean a lot. Many books have a very serious tone and bring tears to your eyes and can at times bring you down. This I not one of these books, I laughed repeatedly throughout this book and that made it an easy read. I love it when aliens are having fun on earth and not probing everyone or trying to take over the earth :) It will be a fun ride for anyone who enjoys a laugh and a not so serious look at a human and alien interaction.

[Aly · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book's cover threw me off a bit. I saw it and thought what in the world could this book be about. Once you read the book the cover makes more sense to me. lol I would not want to be put in the mental hospital but this book was interesting to me. The story was engaging. * I received this book from the author in exchange for an honest review*

[Nick Alverson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Conversations with Larry Xenomorph is a lighthearted story about Tony Sterling, a Wall Street Stock Broker who’s been sentenced to 30 days in a mental hospital for appearing stark naked on the trading floor of the New York Stock Exchange. Everyone thinks he’s crazy but he has a logical, totally sane explanation for his behavior: he was abducted by an alien whom he calls Larry Xenomorph and beamed up to Larry’s ship. When Larry beamed him back Tony arrived sans clothing and his life changed forever.

I don’t want to spend the review re-hashing plot, that’s why you read the book, so you can experience the plot on your own without me telling you about it. Just know that Tony, the main character, has been abducted by an alien named Larry. Larry is from a distant planet and is here to study Earth and its inhabitants. The abductions take place while Tony is locked in a mental ward and you soon find out that Larry is not the only strange character in the book.

Sunny Park Hospital where Tony is sent is full of quirky mental patients. Everyone is of course in various stages of mental illness and I found all of them to be likable. I thought the interactions and the friendships that Tony cultivates were the best part of the book. Cole paints the patients and staff of Sunny Park with very different and unique ailments, some funny, some sad, but interesting. Like a patient who plays ping pong with an imagined ball or the staff member who despite his massive size is absolutely intimidated by one of the pretty nurses. There were moments where it seemed as if the staff of Sunny Park could be the patients and the patients the staff. I liked the arc of these characters, how they went from one dimensional at the beginning to three dimensional characters by the end. Cole builds well crafted characters full of quirks and flaws.

The relationship between Tony and the alien Larry was also a strength of the book. Here Cole does a good job of setting up one dynamic only to have it evolve and change into something totally different by the end. It was cool to watch it take place.

This book was also a bit of a love story. There were times where it read almost like a romance novel but minus all of the cheesy dialogue and outlandish descriptions of sex. Tony is in love with his doctor, Dr. Bousteir, whom he refers to as Dr. Busty. Tony lusts for his doctor but ends up finding a whole lot more than just a fling, thanks to some seriously out of this world help from Larry. There were times where the relationship between Tony and Dr. Bousteir felt a little too easy, but within the context of the story it wasn’t a big deal. I do wish it had been a little harder for Tony to pursue the doctor.

Cole has a lot of jokes in the book, especially when Tony and Larry are interacting. Humor is so subjective that what one person finds funny might not do anything for another so take my following comment with a huge grain of salt. I didn’t have any real laugh out loud moments but the jokes were jokes, with a setup and a punch line, and I did smile at a few.

The overall story arc wasn’t all that mind blowing, which is fine, who said a book has to be mind blowing. I didn’t have any “wow” moments that I didn’t see coming. Cole lays out a path and sticks with it. I do wish there had been a few more obstacles for the main characters to overcome. I think that Cole may have missed a few opportunities here, because I think it would have really made his ending feel great, not that I didn’t like the ending, it just made me wish for a little more. I wanted to see Tony really have to risk it all to get the things that he wanted.

I would recommend this book for anyone who is looking for an easy read with some light humor, quirky, well developed characters, and a story that’s a little off the beaten path.

Overall I would give it 3.5 stars out of 5. Give the book a shot and see what you think.

[Jack Messenger · Rating 3 out of 5]

Tony Sterling is arrested one fine day for appearing naked on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. He is summarily taken to Sunny Park mental hospital for observation and treatment. Nobody except Tony believes he is sane. Wise-cracking Tony, you see, claims he was kidnapped and experimented upon by an extraterrestrial in an orbiting spacecraft.

Jay Cole’s humorous novel defies genre categorization. One of its main characters is an alien from a civilization far in advance of Earth’s, yet Conversations with Larry Xenomorph is by no means a work of science fiction. It features a romance, but it is not a love story. Its ironic, scatter-gun irreverence pokes fun at most aspects of contemporary America, but it is not a satire or a work of polemic. Its narrative is a carpetbag full of asides and meanders, digressions and anecdotes, stretching the concept of the novel to breaking point. In fact, it does break it. Those looking for a strong and intriguing plot full of twists and turns and psychological nuance will be disappointed. Others who enjoy gentle laughter and an agreeably unchallenging journey along the path to happiness will be pleased.

Jay Cole’s humour is rarely crude or vindictive. Tony himself is not so much angry as bemused and saddened by the injustice and stupidity of the world he inhabits. He comes to know and like the genuinely troubled patients of Sunny Park, and we come to like them as well. In his company, we remember what it is to be generous and human.

Reading a novel as a reviewer can be an artificial experience. I would have preferred to swallow this book in many small doses rather than a few large dollops – indeed, its organization seems designed for ‘little and often’. Humour and laughter are both communal and individual in nature: we laugh together, but our sense of humour is our own. Some of the jokes left me untickled, and Tony invariably has the last word. However, I am confident that many readers will enjoy this romp with Tony and Larry and Laura, Mo the orderly and Nurse Tammy, and the rest of the community at Sunny Park.

All is indeed well that ends well.

[Sandy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hilarious, poignant & oddly uplifting This is easily the weirdest, most surreal & funniest book I've read so far this year. The challenge is writing a review that doesn't give the game away.
 
It all begins when Tony, a high flying Wall St. trader, has a really bad day. One minute he's in the thick of normal office chaos and the next....well, he's "invited" to stay in his very own padded cell for the next 30 days while they complete the psychiatric evaluation. Seems he took a midday stroll across the trading floor buck nekkid.
Of course, it's not his fault. It's Larry's. He explains to the lovely Dr. B. that he's being stalked by an alien (Larry) who regularly transports him to a spaceship. Larry is working on his thesis & has a million questions about life on earth. Quite frankly, Tony's getting a little tired of these interruptions & is REALLY over being zapped home again without his clothes. Surely she can understand how frustrating this is. 
Uh, yeah...not so much.
 
For the next 30 days while Tony is a guest of the state, we get to hear about his interviews with Larry & meet the other residents. This is the heart of the story. Yes, they are all certifiable with more tics than you shake a stick at. But as Tony (and the reader) gets to know them, we discover characters that were shaped by some pivotal event in their lives. Their behaviour ranges from bizarre & hilarious to deeply poignant. None of these people are caricatures. The author treats them with respect & as the days go by, we become just as attached to them as Tony.
Of course, the big question is the state of Tony's sanity & I won't tip the beans as far as his treatment is concerned. But while you're trying to figure that out, you get to enjoy a running commentary on his surroundings & perhaps reevaluate how you define "crazy".
 
 

[Andrew · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received a copy of this novel in exchange for a review.

We learn from the onset, Tony Sterling – the MC, “had a little nervous breakdown while strolling naked across the floor of the New York Stock.” He’s arrested. His blathering to authorities has an equally disconcerting effect and he arrives at Sunny Park Hospital, deprived of the luxury of scratching his nose, due to the constraints of a straight jacket.
Sunny Park does not offer the same accommodations as his Park Avenue residence, but at least he’s convincing enough to lose the straight jacket and assimilate into the hospital routine.

A floor trader would rarely exhibit a genuine concern for inmates of a psych ward, unless, unless he was struck by lightning, poked by the finger of God, or placed in a life changing alteration by Larry, the alien fellow with the quirky revealing hairy bit. Nor would he have the opportunity to become infatuated with and court his reluctant psychiatrist, Dr. Laura Bousteir.

The story is a fun and highly humorous read. The staff and patients at Sunny Park are well developed and Tony’s personal involvement in their lives can be moving. I love the greeting card gesture that Tony devises to brighten the patients’ otherwise mundane existence.

And then there’s Larry Xenomorph, the alien abductor. I’ll let readers make their own evaluation.

The story is cohesive with good dialog and descriptive narration.

At the end of the chapters are additional descriptive comments, which break up the flow of the story. I think those segments would’ve been better, if incorporate into the main body.

Over all, I think it’s an enjoyable read.

[Ben Mariner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Conversations with Larry Xenomorph presented itself as a sarcastic romp with an alien abductor but turned out to be something wholly different. There was plenty of sarcasm, yes, and the humor was pretty good for the most part. What surprised me about this book was that it went from kind of childish to a poignant, heartwarming story completely seamlessly. Tony starts off as kind of a pissed off wise ass, but slowly turns into someone who genuine begins to care about the people that surround him, even though they are mental patients. All of his descriptions given to Larry of everyday societal nuances were oddly on point even though they were supposed to be over exaggerated lies. Some may construe the ending as a little contrived or stereotypical, but it didn’t play that way with me. It all just seemed appropriate, the perfect way to wrap things up.

A quick, easy, good read, Conversations with Larry Xenomorph will put a smile on your face and warm your heart just a little bit.

[Rodney Carlson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Have you ever dreamed you were naked in a public place? Tony wishes it was a dream. He also wishes the part about abduction by an alien was a dream. All of that, and the shock of it all, bought Tony a nice visit to Sunny Park mental facility. Now how does he convince everyone that this is a completely normal reaction to those events?

Jay Cole manages to include numerous types of humor into this book ranging from situational comedy to one liner, and yet keep a smooth flow to the story. The concept of this book is imaginative but does not suspend its believability. The characters are full and delightful. Conversations with Larry Xenomorph is a fun and engaging read.

If you want a lighthearted story with a dash of science fiction, lovable characters, and a sprinkling of romance, then this is the book for you.

[Madelyn March · Rating 4 out of 5]

Conversations With Larry Xenomorph is a fiction comedy unlike anything I’ve ever read. The book is hilarious! The author weaves psychology, aliens, alien abduction, love, and comedy all against the backdrop of a mental institution and well-developed characters.

The main character, Tony Sterling, descends from the top of his game at Wall Street to the difficulties of life in Sunny Park Hospital. All because of the pesky alien, Larry Xenomorph, who inconveniently abducts Tony and sends him back to Wall Street naked and confused. I don’t want to give away everything that happens, but suffice it to say, Tony learns about humanity while trying to explain it to Larry and living with the likable characters of Sunny Park.

This is a light read with lots of wit. If that’s your cup of tea, then I highly recommend it!

[Tony Duxbury · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great plot. It has everything, fantasy, aliens, romance and humour. Tony Sterling isn't the type of person that people take to, but he comes across as a sympathic character. A lovely tongue-in-cheek tale. I recommend it to any reader that loves a bit of humour.