Interviewer: So, you fell in love with the hero?
Heroine: Yes, oh yes, he is everything I have ever looked for in a man.
Interviewer: And he fell in love with you too?
Heroine: Oh absolutely! It was a whirlwind romance. We fell for each other on the spot and we just...knew...you know. It was like we had met each other in a previous life. I always read about that stuff but never thought it would happen to me. But it did.
Interviewer: So this was serious, not a fling?
Heroine: Definitely! We got engaged after three weeks and I moved in with him pending our wedding.
Interviewer: Okay, interesting. So then, what possibly could have happened to break you two up? Did he cheat on you? Did you discover he was marrying you to facilitate a merger between his company and your father's? Or to get his hands on an old Tudor style mansion bequeathed to you jointly by your godmother and his step-aunt, unbeknownst to you?
Heroine: No, no, nothing like that. He is lovely, just lovely.
Interviewer leans forward: So then, what happened? I am all ears.
Heroine: Well, this random woman threatened me that she was going to hurt me if I didn't break up with my fiance. Then she actually tried to run me over with her car.
Interviewer: Wow, you're kidding me! What a psycho! Did you call the police?
Heroine: No.
Interviewer: Did you tell your fiance?
Heroine: No, he was out of town.
Interviewer re-adjusts his glasses, shuffles some of his paperwork, mutters: Hmmm...This isn't a historical romance right? As I recall...Oh, yes, here we are...It was published in the nineties...ahem...NINETEEN-nineties...and it is a contemporary romance, right?
Heroine looks blankly at interviewer:....
Interviewer, beginning to go pink in the face: Okay, so if he was out of town, what prevented you from contacting him? I mean, it's not like you had to find a parchment and quill and send him a message with the next ship out of harbour, right?
Didn't you call him...like, on the phone...to tell him what happened?
Heroine: No.
Interviewer: Email him?
Heroine: No.
Interviewer, bright red: Did you do anything, ANYTHING AT ALL, to communicate to your fiance that an attempt has been made on your life?!!!
Heroine rolls her eyes: I moved out of his apartment without explanations and stopped taking his phone calls. Actually, he became a little bit harassing with all the phone calls, especially at my work.
Interviewer, after a long silence, asks in a strange, monotone, voice: Where did you say you worked again?
Heroine: A law firm. I'm a lawyer.
Interviewer: You're a lawyer.
Heroine: I'm a lawyer.
Interviewer: People come to you to resolve their problems. With the law.
Heroine: Yup.
Interviewer: So if a client came to you with a story of threats and violence by a deranged psycho, what would you legally advise them?
Heroine: Duh! Call the police and go to court to get a restraining order. Potentially file a civil lawsuit and maybe even alert the media about the identity of this dangerous individual.
Interviewer slowly gulps down what appears to be a tall glass of cool water. Stares some more at the heroine in silence. Then utters a little sigh or maybe it was even a moan, and then bravely continues: So, do you mind telling me why you wouldn't follow your own advice in this situation?
Heroine: What d'you mean, my situation...Oh! [Interviewer suddenly perks up, eyes gleaming.] Oh, well. That was totally different. [Interviewer's head falls despondently back down]
Interviewer: Different how?
Heroine: Well, you see my fiance is immensely rich and influential.
Interviewer: Go on.
Heroine: And the woman who tried to kill me is a socialite who is very prominent in the city's top social circles.
Interviewer looks blankly at heroine:...
Heroine, enunciating slowly and soothingly like a schoolteacher trying to teach a complex math formula to a recalcitrant student: Soooooo....We. Are. In. a. Helen. Bianchin. Book.
Interviewer: Meaning?
Heroine, sarcastically: Meaninnnnnng, I have to wait for the Other Woman to torture me some more before my fiance finally unravels The Great Big Terrible Misunderstanding that has kept us apart for approximately 182 pages and then threaten the Other Woman with social shunning and/or a ruthless corporate take-over of her daddy's company if she doesn't leave us alone
You got that, Mate?
Interviewer rips off microphone, turns over his chair, and walks off the interview, loosening his tie as he walks away.