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The Story of God: A Biblical Comedy about Love
“Part Kurt Vonnegut, part Douglas Adams, but let’s be honest, Matheson had me at ‘Based on the Bible.’” —Dana Gould, comedian and writer
The Bible offers some clues to God’s personality—he’s alternately been called vindictive and just, bloodthirsty and caring, all-powerful and impotent, capricious and foresighted, and loving and hateful. But no one has ever fully explored why God might be such a figure of contrasts. Nor has anyone ever satisfactorily explained what guides his relationship not just with angels, the devil, and his son, but also with all of creation. Might he be completely misunderstood, a mystery even to himself? Might his behavior and actions toward humankind tell us much more about him than it does about us? Enter the mind of the creator of the universe, travel with him through the heavenly highs and hellish lows of his story, from Genesis to Revelation, to better understand his burdensome journey: being God isn’t easy. After hearing his story—at times troubling and tragic but always hilarious in its absurdity and divine in its comedy—you’ll never look at a miracle or catastrophe—or at our place in the universe, or God’s—the same way again.
The Bible offers some clues to God’s personality—he’s alternately been called vindictive and just, bloodthirsty and caring, all-powerful and impotent, capricious and foresighted, and loving and hateful. But no one has ever fully explored why God might be such a figure of contrasts. Nor has anyone ever satisfactorily explained what guides his relationship not just with angels, the devil, and his son, but also with all of creation. Might he be completely misunderstood, a mystery even to himself? Might his behavior and actions toward humankind tell us much more about him than it does about us? Enter the mind of the creator of the universe, travel with him through the heavenly highs and hellish lows of his story, from Genesis to Revelation, to better understand his burdensome journey: being God isn’t easy. After hearing his story—at times troubling and tragic but always hilarious in its absurdity and divine in its comedy—you’ll never look at a miracle or catastrophe—or at our place in the universe, or God’s—the same way again.
148 pages, Kindle Edition
First published September 1, 2015
65 people are currently reading
554 people want to read
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May 1, 2019
“If there is a God who wrote the Bible, when he reads this he’s going to wonder why his editors didn’t point out all the problems in his text before publication. Brilliant and irreverent.”—Michael Shermer, publisher of Skeptic magazine, monthly columnist for Scientific American, author of The Moral Arc
Enter Satan
God called on Satan, whom he had apparently created at the same time he created reptiles. From the first, God didn’t like the way Satan looked at him. There was something knowing in his eyes. He acted as if he was God’s equal, which was ludicrous. “He knows nothing, he is my employee, I created him to work for me and that is all,” God thought.
“I want you to enter into my Garden of Eden and trick the woman,” he announced to Satan.
Satan studied God silently for a moment, then asked, “Why?”
“It’s a test obviously, Satan. I want to see if my humans will obey me.”
“You don’t know if they will?”
“Of course I know if they will. They won’t. Which is exactly my plan.”
“Your plan is for them not to obey you?”
Satan’s “innocent” questions irritated God. “Exactly!” he snapped.
“But if you already know they won’t obey you, then what’s the point of testing them?”
God stared at Satan for a second, then shook his head briskly. “Leave the big thinking to me, alright, Satan?”
The Ten Commandments - first draft
God started with the most important thing: Number one—Do not worship any god other than me. (“I could stop there, honestly,” he thought to himself, but decided to go on.) Number two—Really don’t worship any other gods. Number three—Don’t use my name in vain. (Ex. 20:3–7)
After that, God thought for a minute. What else did he have? Oh, here was one: Number four—Take one day a week off, just like I did when I made the universe. What else? Several came in a rush now: Number five—Respect your parents; Number six—Don’t kill people; Number seven—No sex outside marriage; Number eight—Don’t steal; Number nine—Don’t lie, and …. What was the last one? Don’t rape women? No, not that. Don’t keep people as slaves? No. Don’t abuse children or animals? No no no. Later, God would remember that what he had meant to say was: Number ten—Don’t eat mice (Lev. 10:29)—but it had slipped his mind, so he said “Don’t be jealous of each other” instead. Which was fine too. (Ex. 20:4–14)
(These many Biblical quotes had me checking my grandfather's Bible for confirmation of the facts. And yes, he was quite correct.)
Grilled meat with wine
“I’m going to tell Moses exactly how I want meat grilled! I will tell him what kind of flour to use and what kind of oil—I will even tell him what kind of wine to serve it with!” (Ex. 29:40, Num. 15:7)
Abominations
Next on the agenda, God needed to tell his people what was good for them to eat and what wasn’t. God had by this time sampled almost every kind of grilled meat there was; he considered himself something of a connoisseur. He began with what was good: Anything that lived in water was fine, unless it didn’t have fins or scales—in other words, if it wasn’t a fish. In which case it was bad—no, that wasn’t a sufficient word—he knew the right word—anything else was an abomination. (Lev. 11:12) Lobsters, for example? Abominations. Crabs? Abominations. Anything that lived in a shell? Abominations! “Why did I make them?” God briefly wondered. “Did I make them? I don’t seem to have made reptiles—is it possible that Satan made reptiles and lobsters?” God decided that it was not possible: He had made everything, and if some of the things he’d made were abominations to him—well, what of it? He liked what he liked and hated what he hated. (Still, the question—could Satan have created lobsters?—did stick in his mind for a while.)
The complete Bible is revealed correctly, if rather strangely, in this satire.
Enjoy!
Enter Satan
God called on Satan, whom he had apparently created at the same time he created reptiles. From the first, God didn’t like the way Satan looked at him. There was something knowing in his eyes. He acted as if he was God’s equal, which was ludicrous. “He knows nothing, he is my employee, I created him to work for me and that is all,” God thought.
“I want you to enter into my Garden of Eden and trick the woman,” he announced to Satan.
Satan studied God silently for a moment, then asked, “Why?”
“It’s a test obviously, Satan. I want to see if my humans will obey me.”
“You don’t know if they will?”
“Of course I know if they will. They won’t. Which is exactly my plan.”
“Your plan is for them not to obey you?”
Satan’s “innocent” questions irritated God. “Exactly!” he snapped.
“But if you already know they won’t obey you, then what’s the point of testing them?”
God stared at Satan for a second, then shook his head briskly. “Leave the big thinking to me, alright, Satan?”
The Ten Commandments - first draft
God started with the most important thing: Number one—Do not worship any god other than me. (“I could stop there, honestly,” he thought to himself, but decided to go on.) Number two—Really don’t worship any other gods. Number three—Don’t use my name in vain. (Ex. 20:3–7)
After that, God thought for a minute. What else did he have? Oh, here was one: Number four—Take one day a week off, just like I did when I made the universe. What else? Several came in a rush now: Number five—Respect your parents; Number six—Don’t kill people; Number seven—No sex outside marriage; Number eight—Don’t steal; Number nine—Don’t lie, and …. What was the last one? Don’t rape women? No, not that. Don’t keep people as slaves? No. Don’t abuse children or animals? No no no. Later, God would remember that what he had meant to say was: Number ten—Don’t eat mice (Lev. 10:29)—but it had slipped his mind, so he said “Don’t be jealous of each other” instead. Which was fine too. (Ex. 20:4–14)
(These many Biblical quotes had me checking my grandfather's Bible for confirmation of the facts. And yes, he was quite correct.)
Grilled meat with wine
“I’m going to tell Moses exactly how I want meat grilled! I will tell him what kind of flour to use and what kind of oil—I will even tell him what kind of wine to serve it with!” (Ex. 29:40, Num. 15:7)
Abominations
Next on the agenda, God needed to tell his people what was good for them to eat and what wasn’t. God had by this time sampled almost every kind of grilled meat there was; he considered himself something of a connoisseur. He began with what was good: Anything that lived in water was fine, unless it didn’t have fins or scales—in other words, if it wasn’t a fish. In which case it was bad—no, that wasn’t a sufficient word—he knew the right word—anything else was an abomination. (Lev. 11:12) Lobsters, for example? Abominations. Crabs? Abominations. Anything that lived in a shell? Abominations! “Why did I make them?” God briefly wondered. “Did I make them? I don’t seem to have made reptiles—is it possible that Satan made reptiles and lobsters?” God decided that it was not possible: He had made everything, and if some of the things he’d made were abominations to him—well, what of it? He liked what he liked and hated what he hated. (Still, the question—could Satan have created lobsters?—did stick in his mind for a while.)
The complete Bible is revealed correctly, if rather strangely, in this satire.
Enjoy!
September 17, 2015
The Story of God is a intensely funny look into what must be surely going through the mind of the creator of all things as he commits to history all of the acts that we are told about in The Bible. Chris Matheson portrays God as a powerful entity, occasionally well-meaning, but far more often a megalomaniacal and psychopathic bully obsessed with punishment for sins, animal sacrifice and circumcision - all in all just as he is portrayed in The Bible. But in this retelling, he gives us insight into the kind of mind that must rule within such an omnipotent yet utterly detached individual. It's rash, baldfaced blasphemy, and I truly enjoyed it.
Even though the humour is occasionally a just bit predictable, the book nevertheless is hard to put down. In the last several years, it's the first book I've read start to finish in one session. It's an easy read, well suited to commutes on the train or those longish airplane rides.
Obviously, this book is going to get some one star reviews from people who are offended on religious grounds, but I think it is worthy of so much more. I heard about this book on Seth Andrews' Thinking Atheist podcast, and had actually purchased the Kindle edition before the show was over. It fits into a genre that I enjoy reading, and into which I have made a small contribution (under the name William Bennett) in a book called In The Beginning.
The author made one error. He says that in Revelation, we are warned of 2 million horsemen riding fire-breathing steeds with the heads of lions and venomous snakes on their tails - The Bible actually claims that there will be 200 million of these strange creatures. The biblical story is two orders of magnitude more bizarre than he gave it discredit for!
Even though the humour is occasionally a just bit predictable, the book nevertheless is hard to put down. In the last several years, it's the first book I've read start to finish in one session. It's an easy read, well suited to commutes on the train or those longish airplane rides.
Obviously, this book is going to get some one star reviews from people who are offended on religious grounds, but I think it is worthy of so much more. I heard about this book on Seth Andrews' Thinking Atheist podcast, and had actually purchased the Kindle edition before the show was over. It fits into a genre that I enjoy reading, and into which I have made a small contribution (under the name William Bennett) in a book called In The Beginning.
The author made one error. He says that in Revelation, we are warned of 2 million horsemen riding fire-breathing steeds with the heads of lions and venomous snakes on their tails - The Bible actually claims that there will be 200 million of these strange creatures. The biblical story is two orders of magnitude more bizarre than he gave it discredit for!
May 3, 2020
In this brilliantly blasphemous book, Matheson tells the story of the Bible from the beginning, from the point of view of God. He builds the titular character based on the words attributed to him in the Old Testament along with his actions, so he is necessarily monstrous but also deeply insecure.
Matheson picks up on the use of “we”, with God’s internal monologue constantly “why did I say we? There is only one of me!” This is a character riven with self-doubt and multiple mental illnesses, a self-hating closeted gay man who resents and loathes women to the point that he is proud he rarely remembers their names. He projects his flaws onto his creation, man, but cannot understand why they are flawed when he has created them in his own image and he is, after all, perfect. He quickly comes to hate his creation, dismissing the internal voice that tells him this is because he hates himself.
We are taken through many of the absurdities of the Bible - not all, as there are far too many for this short book; punishing Adam and Eve for failing in the way they had been designed to, destroying Babel for the affront of humanity working together to achieve something, the great flood (God ruminating on whether it’s fair to destroy all teh animals becaue of human’s sin, thn realising the fish will survive anyway), levelling Sodom and Gomorrah entirely as, supposedly, the entire male population are homosexual (with the added point that God makes a point of investigating Sodom but just assumes that Gomorrah is equally bad), God’s obsession with male genitalia, the testing of Job. This is something we initially skip over and God returns to later as a shameful memory, that he punished and hounded his most faithful servant. Of course, on thinking about it he manages to blame the whole thing - as so often - on Satan.
Throughout, there are laugh-out-loud moments and wonderful passages (I may revisit it to pick up some quotes I wish I’d made notes of), but the tone is increasingly dark as we get to Revelation and Matheson uses the surreal insanity of the final book of the Bible as the blueprint for the apocalypse.
Matheson picks up on the use of “we”, with God’s internal monologue constantly “why did I say we? There is only one of me!” This is a character riven with self-doubt and multiple mental illnesses, a self-hating closeted gay man who resents and loathes women to the point that he is proud he rarely remembers their names. He projects his flaws onto his creation, man, but cannot understand why they are flawed when he has created them in his own image and he is, after all, perfect. He quickly comes to hate his creation, dismissing the internal voice that tells him this is because he hates himself.
We are taken through many of the absurdities of the Bible - not all, as there are far too many for this short book; punishing Adam and Eve for failing in the way they had been designed to, destroying Babel for the affront of humanity working together to achieve something, the great flood (God ruminating on whether it’s fair to destroy all teh animals becaue of human’s sin, thn realising the fish will survive anyway), levelling Sodom and Gomorrah entirely as, supposedly, the entire male population are homosexual (with the added point that God makes a point of investigating Sodom but just assumes that Gomorrah is equally bad), God’s obsession with male genitalia, the testing of Job. This is something we initially skip over and God returns to later as a shameful memory, that he punished and hounded his most faithful servant. Of course, on thinking about it he manages to blame the whole thing - as so often - on Satan.
Throughout, there are laugh-out-loud moments and wonderful passages (I may revisit it to pick up some quotes I wish I’d made notes of), but the tone is increasingly dark as we get to Revelation and Matheson uses the surreal insanity of the final book of the Bible as the blueprint for the apocalypse.
November 22, 2015
Hoo boy, is this blasphemous! If you revere the Bible, maybe you shouldn't read this. (Or maybe you really really need to?)
This book portrays Yahweh as vulgar, foolish, perverse, juvenile, and above all insecure - and it is absolutely 100% consistent with the Bible.
It's also quite hilarious, and has a certain pathos as well. God practically face-palming himself after calling bats birds, or telling himself in the middle of a tirade, "Stop talking. STOP. You're making it worse!" can evoke a sympathetic response from anyone who's suffered foot-in-mouth disease. But ultimately, we get a point of view that underlines (with Satan's help) just how self-deluded God is about his perfection.
The one complaint I have is this could have been a bit more fleshed out. It's rather short, and the pacing falls off when we get to the new testament (understandably, given the length of the Jesus story compared to the old testament). I would have loved to see Satan developed more, and while I like the idea of the ending, it felt a little underwritten.
Still, when your only complaint about a book is you wish there were more of it, that deserves at least 4 stars.
This book portrays Yahweh as vulgar, foolish, perverse, juvenile, and above all insecure - and it is absolutely 100% consistent with the Bible.
It's also quite hilarious, and has a certain pathos as well. God practically face-palming himself after calling bats birds, or telling himself in the middle of a tirade, "Stop talking. STOP. You're making it worse!" can evoke a sympathetic response from anyone who's suffered foot-in-mouth disease. But ultimately, we get a point of view that underlines (with Satan's help) just how self-deluded God is about his perfection.
The one complaint I have is this could have been a bit more fleshed out. It's rather short, and the pacing falls off when we get to the new testament (understandably, given the length of the Jesus story compared to the old testament). I would have loved to see Satan developed more, and while I like the idea of the ending, it felt a little underwritten.
Still, when your only complaint about a book is you wish there were more of it, that deserves at least 4 stars.
November 1, 2015
I feel the need explain my rating on this one. I come from a religious background (Southern Baptist Fundy), so I absolutely love this kind of satirised tale. The content is gold, it often had me scrambling for my Bible to check the references and laugh, both appalled and amazed at what people either don't know is in their holy book, and at the level of cognitive dissonance I was executing just to live my day to day life back then.
However, from a literary standpoint, this is a very poorly written book. The sentence structure leaves a lot to be desired. The overt use of proper nouns over pronouns was a little much for me, and for the love of all that does not exist, use a semicolon now and again!
That aside; if you want some good satire, a truly honest look at what the character of God must be based on his own holy book, look no further. I will definitely recommend this book to any and all with ear to hear.
However, from a literary standpoint, this is a very poorly written book. The sentence structure leaves a lot to be desired. The overt use of proper nouns over pronouns was a little much for me, and for the love of all that does not exist, use a semicolon now and again!
That aside; if you want some good satire, a truly honest look at what the character of God must be based on his own holy book, look no further. I will definitely recommend this book to any and all with ear to hear.
January 16, 2016
This is an humorous exploration of taking the bible (as well as some of the Christian "midrash" on the bible) at its word into the psyche of God. It is highly irreverent, but doesn't add much that is not in the bible itself. God comes off as alternating between compassionate and outright insane, but again this comes largely from taking the bible at its word and trying to explore the motivations behind that. It is a satire that reads very clearly and is enjoyable if a bit superficial at points. While this will offend the Orthodox or the particularly pious, it will also make one really explore their doctrines and answers to some of what Chris Matheson proposes.
November 9, 2025
Biblical contradictions and absurdities brought to life by one of the creators of Bill & Ted. This would be a nice companion text to John A. De Vito's Devil's Apocrypha, especially if your funny bone is easily tickled by bitter irony.
To anyone who says it's repetitive, I mean, come on... at 148 pages, it's a helluva lot less repetitive than the source material it abridges.
To anyone who says it's repetitive, I mean, come on... at 148 pages, it's a helluva lot less repetitive than the source material it abridges.
September 10, 2016
one of the most amazing things I've ever read! a spectacular point of view and the story is made better if you've studied the bible. using their own words, themes and context, chris brilliantly and justly mocked the entire creation story through the end of days. also, just like in the actual bible, satan is a tremendous good guy. thumbs way up!
December 13, 2020
I enjoyed this book a lot more than I thought I would. It was funny, informative and, unlike most religious scripts, actually entertaining.
I can't believe I'm saying this but I actually enjoyed being in god's head for a while though we obviously disagree on a lot of things. (Like how he feels about animals for instance: "There was land, water, trees, insects, fish, birds, cows—the whole planet was teeming with life, and that was good, although, you know, utterly pointless. God didn’t actually care about any of these creatures, and here’s why: Because they didn’t care about him! Chimps, elephants, dolphins, wolves—yawn."
chimps are NOT boring!)
And being a woman myself, I couldn't help getting a bit offended and hurt for how little he cares about our feelings..
God really hated unclean things like mice and, honestly? … menstruating women. (Lev. 12:2)
God hadn’t trusted women from the start, but this whole monthly bleeding thing—it was awful. (Not long after this, God made clear what he’d always felt was obvious: “Women are worth 60% of what men are worth,” he told Moses, thinking to himself as he said it, “which is being generous.”)
the men—his men—God’s men—started having sex with, to be blunt, whores. (Non-Israelite women, that is. God called any woman who wasn’t an Israelite a whore, which she was. Many Israelite women were whores too, to be honest. Most women were whores, when you got down to it.)
God had no idea what any of the women’s names were, nor did he really care (Gen. 7:1); he still didn’t much trust or like women.
God decided to let Lot get away with the story because, really … who cares? He had just wiped out the most abhorrent sin there was, homosexuality; what did he care if creepy old Lot wanted to have sex with his own daughters? As usual, God had no idea what their names were. (Gen. 19:31) “Women are so utterly boring to me!” he said to himself, amused. The sons that would result from these pregnancies, though, Moab and Ben-ami (“I always know the boys’ names,” God noted proudly to himself) would lead nations! That’s how “wrong” Lot’s behavior was! (Gen. 19:37–38)
God had never thought of female homosexuality before. In truth, he didn’t think of female anything that much. Women were hidden, strange, untrustworthy. He didn’t like them, quite frankly.
(“I hate women so much,” God found himself murmuring under his breath, as he watched the dogs tear Jezebel’s bloody carcass apart.)
.. that is until I found out he doesn't seem to care about most men that much either..
He looked all over the one small area of the earth that was interesting to him. (Not only was the rest of the universe boring to God, but 98% of earth was too!) Finally, he found a man named Abram. - God spoke to Abram, who then started to travel around, claiming the land that God told him to in the very words God suggested: “God, the creator of the universe, gave us this land, forever.” (Gen. 13:15) Astoundingly, some of the other tribes didn’t accept this. (“They don’t believe in me, why would they accept my words?” whispered that awful little critical voice in God’s head.)
That made him seethe. “I chose one small group of people on the entire planet to be mine and even most of them doubt my words!”
God felt especially bad for Moses. People had the temerity to question whether he was the only one who could talk to God! (Num. 12:2) “Anyone can claim to be talking to God,” they would say. “We can all talk to God, not just you, Moses.” Which was utterly absurd! God had chosen Moses to talk to; when other people talked to him, he ignored them. He had no interest in talking to anyone else! “I’m going to kill them all,” God decided.
“I hate mankind,” he murmured to himself as he watched people get beheaded, or lopped to pieces. “I always have hated them.”
Even his son proved to be a bit of a challenge..
"But was there a misunderstanding between God and Jesus? At a rather inopportune moment—as Jesus was dying on the cross—God began to worry that maybe there had been. “Why have you forsaken me?” Jesus asked him (Matt. 27:46), and this bothered God a lot. “Forsaken him?” he said in an overly loud voice. “What is he talking about? We had this whole thing planned from the start!”
Since God and Jesus had never actually met and had communicated mainly through prayers, visions, and dreams—well, maybe dying painfully was a surprise to Jesus."
"Jesus had told people fairly explicitly that Judgment Day was going to come very soon, within one hundred years at the most. He’d more or less guaranteed that, in fact. (Mark 9:1) Wouldn’t it make him look just slightly less believable if Judgment Day didn’t happen when he said? If it didn’t happen, in fact, for two thousand years? Yes, it sure would, and God felt bad about that too. But listen—if God needed that much time to perfect the ending of his story, well then, so be it. And if that made Jesus look like he was a little bit “out of the loop,” well, he had overstepped his place, that’s all. Regardless of what Jesus or his followers might have thought, there was one guy in charge here, God."
On the bright side though, at least one man actually managed to impress god a bit: "God liked Paul a lot. He liked how well Paul understood mankind. They were “wicked, futile, foolish, vile, degraded, shameful, indecent, depraved, greedy, villainous, malicious, treacherous, blasphemous, insolent, arrogant, boastful creatures,” and Paul told them so, before adding, “But we have no right to judge”—which was also true! (Rom. 1:29–2:3)"
And don't even get me started on his self-love issues and lack of trust in his own plan..
“Did I want so many men to be homosexual, was that my plan? Why would it be when I hate homosexuality so much? And yet … it must be part of my plan because … how could it not be? But why would I devise a plan that infuriates me? Is it possible that I didn’t have a plan, or that I don’t even now? That I’m just sort of ‘improvising’ this whole thing, and not even very well?”
Why would they need this “tree of life?” Was it really a tree of life, or was it like the so-called tree of knowledge of good and evil, which, in truth, contained exactly one piece of knowledge: Nudity is shameful. (Gen. 3:11)
What kind of God praises his own kindness and compassion in third person, he couldn’t help wondering. Then, quickly, he knew the answer to that question: The kind of God who doesn’t get enough praise and admiration from his own people, THAT’S WHO! “If they won’t talk about how compassionate I am, then I will, and if that’s insecure, then so be it!”
On the bright side though, at least one man actually managed to impress god a bit:
"God liked Paul a lot. He liked how well Paul understood mankind. They were “wicked, futile, foolish, vile, degraded, shameful, indecent, depraved, greedy, villainous, malicious, treacherous, blasphemous, insolent, arrogant, boastful creatures,” and Paul told them so, before adding, “But we have no right to judge”—which was also true! (Rom. 1:29–2:3)
“But why do I feel the need to remind people that I’m God so often? Who said I wasn’t?” A disturbing thought: Was he so insecure that he doubted himself?
Turns out that, after all, god just needed to feel loved, appreciated, and accepted for who he was just like the rest of us.
God found himself sobbing, his body shaking with rage and pain, anguished at the (literal) infinity of loneliness he had known. No mother, no father, no siblings, no friends. Nothing. He was alone. He had always been alone.
Now, THAT is sad.
I can't believe I'm saying this but I actually enjoyed being in god's head for a while though we obviously disagree on a lot of things. (Like how he feels about animals for instance: "There was land, water, trees, insects, fish, birds, cows—the whole planet was teeming with life, and that was good, although, you know, utterly pointless. God didn’t actually care about any of these creatures, and here’s why: Because they didn’t care about him! Chimps, elephants, dolphins, wolves—yawn."
chimps are NOT boring!)
And being a woman myself, I couldn't help getting a bit offended and hurt for how little he cares about our feelings..
God really hated unclean things like mice and, honestly? … menstruating women. (Lev. 12:2)
God hadn’t trusted women from the start, but this whole monthly bleeding thing—it was awful. (Not long after this, God made clear what he’d always felt was obvious: “Women are worth 60% of what men are worth,” he told Moses, thinking to himself as he said it, “which is being generous.”)
the men—his men—God’s men—started having sex with, to be blunt, whores. (Non-Israelite women, that is. God called any woman who wasn’t an Israelite a whore, which she was. Many Israelite women were whores too, to be honest. Most women were whores, when you got down to it.)
God had no idea what any of the women’s names were, nor did he really care (Gen. 7:1); he still didn’t much trust or like women.
God decided to let Lot get away with the story because, really … who cares? He had just wiped out the most abhorrent sin there was, homosexuality; what did he care if creepy old Lot wanted to have sex with his own daughters? As usual, God had no idea what their names were. (Gen. 19:31) “Women are so utterly boring to me!” he said to himself, amused. The sons that would result from these pregnancies, though, Moab and Ben-ami (“I always know the boys’ names,” God noted proudly to himself) would lead nations! That’s how “wrong” Lot’s behavior was! (Gen. 19:37–38)
God had never thought of female homosexuality before. In truth, he didn’t think of female anything that much. Women were hidden, strange, untrustworthy. He didn’t like them, quite frankly.
(“I hate women so much,” God found himself murmuring under his breath, as he watched the dogs tear Jezebel’s bloody carcass apart.)
.. that is until I found out he doesn't seem to care about most men that much either..
He looked all over the one small area of the earth that was interesting to him. (Not only was the rest of the universe boring to God, but 98% of earth was too!) Finally, he found a man named Abram. - God spoke to Abram, who then started to travel around, claiming the land that God told him to in the very words God suggested: “God, the creator of the universe, gave us this land, forever.” (Gen. 13:15) Astoundingly, some of the other tribes didn’t accept this. (“They don’t believe in me, why would they accept my words?” whispered that awful little critical voice in God’s head.)
That made him seethe. “I chose one small group of people on the entire planet to be mine and even most of them doubt my words!”
God felt especially bad for Moses. People had the temerity to question whether he was the only one who could talk to God! (Num. 12:2) “Anyone can claim to be talking to God,” they would say. “We can all talk to God, not just you, Moses.” Which was utterly absurd! God had chosen Moses to talk to; when other people talked to him, he ignored them. He had no interest in talking to anyone else! “I’m going to kill them all,” God decided.
“I hate mankind,” he murmured to himself as he watched people get beheaded, or lopped to pieces. “I always have hated them.”
Even his son proved to be a bit of a challenge..
"But was there a misunderstanding between God and Jesus? At a rather inopportune moment—as Jesus was dying on the cross—God began to worry that maybe there had been. “Why have you forsaken me?” Jesus asked him (Matt. 27:46), and this bothered God a lot. “Forsaken him?” he said in an overly loud voice. “What is he talking about? We had this whole thing planned from the start!”
Since God and Jesus had never actually met and had communicated mainly through prayers, visions, and dreams—well, maybe dying painfully was a surprise to Jesus."
"Jesus had told people fairly explicitly that Judgment Day was going to come very soon, within one hundred years at the most. He’d more or less guaranteed that, in fact. (Mark 9:1) Wouldn’t it make him look just slightly less believable if Judgment Day didn’t happen when he said? If it didn’t happen, in fact, for two thousand years? Yes, it sure would, and God felt bad about that too. But listen—if God needed that much time to perfect the ending of his story, well then, so be it. And if that made Jesus look like he was a little bit “out of the loop,” well, he had overstepped his place, that’s all. Regardless of what Jesus or his followers might have thought, there was one guy in charge here, God."
On the bright side though, at least one man actually managed to impress god a bit: "God liked Paul a lot. He liked how well Paul understood mankind. They were “wicked, futile, foolish, vile, degraded, shameful, indecent, depraved, greedy, villainous, malicious, treacherous, blasphemous, insolent, arrogant, boastful creatures,” and Paul told them so, before adding, “But we have no right to judge”—which was also true! (Rom. 1:29–2:3)"
And don't even get me started on his self-love issues and lack of trust in his own plan..
“Did I want so many men to be homosexual, was that my plan? Why would it be when I hate homosexuality so much? And yet … it must be part of my plan because … how could it not be? But why would I devise a plan that infuriates me? Is it possible that I didn’t have a plan, or that I don’t even now? That I’m just sort of ‘improvising’ this whole thing, and not even very well?”
Why would they need this “tree of life?” Was it really a tree of life, or was it like the so-called tree of knowledge of good and evil, which, in truth, contained exactly one piece of knowledge: Nudity is shameful. (Gen. 3:11)
What kind of God praises his own kindness and compassion in third person, he couldn’t help wondering. Then, quickly, he knew the answer to that question: The kind of God who doesn’t get enough praise and admiration from his own people, THAT’S WHO! “If they won’t talk about how compassionate I am, then I will, and if that’s insecure, then so be it!”
On the bright side though, at least one man actually managed to impress god a bit:
"God liked Paul a lot. He liked how well Paul understood mankind. They were “wicked, futile, foolish, vile, degraded, shameful, indecent, depraved, greedy, villainous, malicious, treacherous, blasphemous, insolent, arrogant, boastful creatures,” and Paul told them so, before adding, “But we have no right to judge”—which was also true! (Rom. 1:29–2:3)
“But why do I feel the need to remind people that I’m God so often? Who said I wasn’t?” A disturbing thought: Was he so insecure that he doubted himself?
Turns out that, after all, god just needed to feel loved, appreciated, and accepted for who he was just like the rest of us.
God found himself sobbing, his body shaking with rage and pain, anguished at the (literal) infinity of loneliness he had known. No mother, no father, no siblings, no friends. Nothing. He was alone. He had always been alone.
Now, THAT is sad.
January 31, 2025
أول كتاب من بعد pulp لبوكوفسكي، يجعلني أضحك بصوت عال عدة مرات.
July 5, 2018
Too many straw men
This is a fun reading of the Christian Bible (with Apocrypha) a blasphemous harmony of the Old and New Testaments told from the perspective of Yhwh. Unfortunately it goes too far. There is enough source material in a fair reading of the text to paint God as a self deceived, self loathing, repressed homosexual queen (this is the thesis) without having to misread the source material. His treatment of Revelation is horrible. For example, the author imagines Revelation to speak of multiple Jesuses, (tan foot Jesus, sword-mouth Jesus, lamb Jesus) rather than the clear sense of the text - which is a single Jesus spoken of with many metaphors. I originally wanted to read the second book and was just reading this one because it was the first in a series. But now, the intellectual dishonesty I found here makes me worry I could end up deceived about those books because I know them substantially less well than I do the Bible. This book could have been five star.
This is a fun reading of the Christian Bible (with Apocrypha) a blasphemous harmony of the Old and New Testaments told from the perspective of Yhwh. Unfortunately it goes too far. There is enough source material in a fair reading of the text to paint God as a self deceived, self loathing, repressed homosexual queen (this is the thesis) without having to misread the source material. His treatment of Revelation is horrible. For example, the author imagines Revelation to speak of multiple Jesuses, (tan foot Jesus, sword-mouth Jesus, lamb Jesus) rather than the clear sense of the text - which is a single Jesus spoken of with many metaphors. I originally wanted to read the second book and was just reading this one because it was the first in a series. But now, the intellectual dishonesty I found here makes me worry I could end up deceived about those books because I know them substantially less well than I do the Bible. This book could have been five star.
December 12, 2016
I was fascinated for what the author tried to do with this book; he basically draws God as a character taking into account all the contradictions that appear in the bible and the lot of things that don't make sense, but instead of trying to justify his behavior he proposes that not even God understand himself and that he lives in a world that he also don't understand.
On the other side, Satan appears as a character that is aware of how powerful God is but is concerned about him behaving as a bully that don't hesitate to use violence to satisfy his more basic emotions.
The best thing is that this book made you think that once you get rid of the whole "metaphorical" thing, what is left of the bible is really a mess that talks you about people that didn't understand themselves neither the world they were living on, but that still managed to create a powerful narrative for their times and the centuries that came after.
On the other side, Satan appears as a character that is aware of how powerful God is but is concerned about him behaving as a bully that don't hesitate to use violence to satisfy his more basic emotions.
The best thing is that this book made you think that once you get rid of the whole "metaphorical" thing, what is left of the bible is really a mess that talks you about people that didn't understand themselves neither the world they were living on, but that still managed to create a powerful narrative for their times and the centuries that came after.
December 31, 2016
This is Satire. There, I've included the disclaimer. I've read several reviews of this book and I was surprised that it wasn't just believers who had a problem with it. A lot of people were offended that the religious myths were treated as material for a Moliere play. This is incredibly funny but is is clearly satire and needs irreverent readers!
Definitely a fun romp. Pay special attention to creation. I had to re-read several times!
Definitely a fun romp. Pay special attention to creation. I had to re-read several times!
January 4, 2017
This book covers all those inconsistencies from the Bible that have always niggled at the back of your brain. It's brilliant! Not to mention all those times I giggled like a maniac. It reads like the perfect internal monologue.
This book has it all: self-loathing, the confusing mystery of creation, slutty goats, homosexuality, multiple Jesuses, balls, arguments, eyeball monsters.
If you have an appreciation for the ridiculousness of religion, then this one's for you.
This book has it all: self-loathing, the confusing mystery of creation, slutty goats, homosexuality, multiple Jesuses, balls, arguments, eyeball monsters.
If you have an appreciation for the ridiculousness of religion, then this one's for you.
February 6, 2017
From the book:
Even if ghosts didn’t exist, humans would probably have made them up to comfort themselves. Humans did things like that—devising stories and characters to make themselves feel better and less afraid. It was touching in a way and for a moment, God softened. “It’s not easy being human,” he said to himself. “It’s quite frightening apparently. Death scares them terribly and they need to find ways to comfort themselves.”
Even if ghosts didn’t exist, humans would probably have made them up to comfort themselves. Humans did things like that—devising stories and characters to make themselves feel better and less afraid. It was touching in a way and for a moment, God softened. “It’s not easy being human,” he said to himself. “It’s quite frightening apparently. Death scares them terribly and they need to find ways to comfort themselves.”
September 18, 2015
Not for the pious, the orthodox, or the easily offended. For the rest of us, however, this is one of the most delightful satires I've read in a while. The perspective is creative and well executed, and Matheson's pacing makes for a real page-turner. Well-researched, deftly incisive, and wickedly funny.
March 6, 2017
This is an amazing book and everyone should read it. The only problems I had with it where problems already existing in the source material: wholy unlikeable characters, weak and confusing plot and a lot of repetition. But this only helps the book in its goal to elucidate us on the Bible.
Loved every second of it.
Loved every second of it.
January 2, 2020
Absolutely hilarious. Not since Douglas Adams did something so irreverent make me laugh so hard. Matheson's Biblical criticism and analysis is not ground-breaking, but nothing I have ever read dissects the Bible's protagonist's flaws so cleverly and humorously. Read it. Today.
September 7, 2015
So funny. God doubts himself; distrusts women; and just wants to be believed. Is that so much to ask?
June 24, 2018
A very funny and blasphemous book. Quite an experience in taking everything the bible exactly as it says. Also, it dragged a little sometimes, a very understandable flaw.
March 23, 2021
Re gracioso, cuenta toda la historia de la Biblia pero desde la perspectiva de un Dios inseguro, angustiado y que trata a la gente como Sims. Pone en evidencia lo rara y contradictoria que es la historia. Me reí en voz alta.
February 1, 2017
Depressingly close to what God would have to be like to make the bible understandable.
Don't touch this book if you want to preserve your delusions about the mercifulness and "goodness" of the choleric heavenly tyrant the "good book" tells about story after story... this one unites them all into a giant tapestry of temper tantrums, homoeroticism and self hatred while sparing not a single one of the "Wait what...?" moments the Bible so numerously contains and spreads out before its avid readers (and hides so well before the legions of ignorant never having read "believers"). Matheson truly puts the finger where the dirty stains in gods clean vest are and points them ALL out.
I could have done without the excessive citing of which bible verses he now aims at with his newest lines, but well, I guess you'll have to read it to believe it and without the well over thousand cited bible scenes no christian (or Jew) would take the author seriously about his fable (or fabulous exposure of the cruelest and grimmest fairy tale ever written down!)
This will turn out to become one of the "canonic" works of Atheists, a must-read for the heathen of today.
Don't touch this book if you want to preserve your delusions about the mercifulness and "goodness" of the choleric heavenly tyrant the "good book" tells about story after story... this one unites them all into a giant tapestry of temper tantrums, homoeroticism and self hatred while sparing not a single one of the "Wait what...?" moments the Bible so numerously contains and spreads out before its avid readers (and hides so well before the legions of ignorant never having read "believers"). Matheson truly puts the finger where the dirty stains in gods clean vest are and points them ALL out.
I could have done without the excessive citing of which bible verses he now aims at with his newest lines, but well, I guess you'll have to read it to believe it and without the well over thousand cited bible scenes no christian (or Jew) would take the author seriously about his fable (or fabulous exposure of the cruelest and grimmest fairy tale ever written down!)
This will turn out to become one of the "canonic" works of Atheists, a must-read for the heathen of today.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 17, 2016
A satiric retelling of the Bible, featuring a confused and conflicted God who hates women, hates his people most of the time, and thinks up a lot of ingenious ways to punish them. Satan is the only one who will tell him the truth. It’s a little uneven, but some of it is hilarious. This God deserves Richard Dawkins’s description of him as “arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully.”
February 6, 2016
I can't remember the last book that made me laugh out loud so hard and so often as The Story of God. Absurd and slightly blasphemous, it tells the story of a petty and insecure Jehovah from the beginning of creation to Armageddon as He battles with constant self-doubt and Satan's infuriating questions, all while trying to guide humanity toward perfection even though He doesn't particularly like us. And anyway we are wicked and evil and destined for Hell. As He intended. For some reason...
My one complaint is the book is much too short. I was left wanting more, which, in the grand scheme of things, isn't such a bad complaint.
My one complaint is the book is much too short. I was left wanting more, which, in the grand scheme of things, isn't such a bad complaint.
August 9, 2018
Who is this god character? How do you make one narrative out of a library of supposedly true books? Well god would have to be self hating. It becomes an Interesting character study on the destructive power of narcissism.
Funny. Will read again. The eyeball monster part made me laugh in the grocery store. A third of this is trying to make revelations work.
What I learned: I mean I knew there were few women in the Bible but it’s also amazing how many don’t have names. Especially when you consider the whole “begat” part. Why do so many women like the Bible? Have they read it?
Funny. Will read again. The eyeball monster part made me laugh in the grocery store. A third of this is trying to make revelations work.
What I learned: I mean I knew there were few women in the Bible but it’s also amazing how many don’t have names. Especially when you consider the whole “begat” part. Why do so many women like the Bible? Have they read it?
March 7, 2016
This book was one of the funniest I've read/listened to ever. I kind of hope it becomes a movie one day with Will Ferrell as God and Paul Rudd as Satan. It would work well. Matheson's takedown of the most ridiculous parts of the bible is certain to offend believers...but if you're not a believer, or if you are open-minded, this book is delightful and everyone should read it, or get the audio. Matheson is a great reader.
February 4, 2017
This book is an irreverent, tongue-in-cheek satire that tells the stories of the Bible from God's perspective. It's not so much laugh-out-loud funny as it is twisted and wonderfully absurd. It's the sort of thing that I would recommend to people who are willing to laugh at the strangeness of life, no matter the source of that strangeness. It's not the sort of thing I would recommend to a devout religious person who is offended by blasphemous jokes.
September 20, 2015
The bible is probably not the most absurd book ever written, but it is probably the most absurd book anybody has died/killed for. From page 1 it is ripe for satire, the sort of hilarious satire found in Matheson's book. Read it and learn what the bible actually says, not what you might want it to say.
December 14, 2015
A witty take on the Bible narrated from God's point of view. Why did God create Satan? Why does he kill so many humans? Why so insecure? The first half was funnier to me than the second, but probably because I've never read the Bible chapters on the end of the world. So many Jesuses involved in the Apocalypse.
January 12, 2016
Very funny book. Chris Matheson retells the story of the Bible, and more, from God's point of view. What this gives is a very ridiculous look at all of the nonsense contained within. God is often inconsistent in his thinking, always questioning himself but always being sure that he knows what he's doing.
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