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Why Mr. Right Can't Find You: The Surprising Answers that will Change your Life...and His
The book on this page is the first edition of Why Mr. Right Can't Find You , published in 2008, and is now out of date. The newly revised, updated Second Edition of Why Mr. Right Can't Find You is now available on Amazon as a paperback and as a Kindle book. It says "Second Edition" on the cover, and is wholly revised, including the smartest, most current guide to online dating, including the real scoop about Tinder. The cover image shows a woman walking past a man sitting in a café.
- GenresNonfictionRelationships
280 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2007
6 people are currently reading
47 people want to read
About the author
J.M. Kearns
14 books5 followersJ.M. Kearns, PhD, is the best-selling author of a novel and four non-fiction books. He currently teaches at Rowan University. He brings to relationship books such as Why Mr. Right Can’t Find You the unusual combination of a philosopher’s analytical mind and a novelist’s insight into emotions. His books have been published in Canada and the U.S., the UK, Australia, China, and France and featured on Oprah & Friends and in Glamour, Cosmopolitan-UK, Maclean’s, The Toronto Star, and many other media. His novel The Deep End is about to be published in the United States. J.M. Kearns now lives in Cape May, New Jersey with his partner Debra.
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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
March 27, 2011
Very rarely, I'm early when meeting a friend at a book store for some browsing, gossiping and coffee. Recently, I found that I was early so off I went to the self-help section to peruse and this book is the one I pulled off the shelf. I got through nearly the entire book due to the fact my friend was a bit late. When my friend came I showed her some parts of the book that were note worthy, we chatted about it, then I popped the book back on the shelf and off we went.
Now you probably see why I am writing this review. Once I picked up this book, I didn't put it down for another book and it had some discussion points in it that I discussed with my friend. More than that, there are some things that I've actually taken away from this book and incorporated into my personal philosophy. I feel that a review is the least I can do since I didn't actually buy the book.
I'm not the target market for this book. I'm still in school so it's really easy (theoretically) for me to find eligible men and this book is more aimed at the woman would who finds that on a day to day basis she isn't coming across a lot of eligible men and says 'where have all the (good) men gone?'. The main message of this book is that good men are around, easily accessible and available, but most women aren't noticing them. This books aims to increase awareness.
J.M. Kearns is a man. I've read quite a few dating books by men and usually they say things that seem wrong or superficial or fake. Kearns did a great job of making a logical argument concerning the dating scene rather than just depending on cultural stereotypes. One example of his logical, multifaceted arguments is when he talks about looking good. The cultural stereotype is that men like good looking women. Kearns agrees with this notion, but then points out that people have different types and find different things attractive. Then he goes on to illustrate how a man might act if what he is attracted to isn't the societal norm and how women might miss the subtle cues that indicate that the man is indeed interested. Kearns also goes on to say that just because the woman doesn't feel attractive it doesn't mean that she isn't attracting a man's attention - such as when you run to get milk in your sweats. He illustrates how a woman's sense of whether she is looking good or not can actually (for lack of a better term)cock-block herself. Imagine that! Do you see how the situation about your physical appearance is talked about in a multifaceted way? Interestingly, this is only one of many topics that Kearns addresses in this fashion. And in all honesty, I haven't done this example justice. He does a great job of addressing the grey-area that we often over look.
This book addresses some things that jive with my own problem areas: 1. the sighting, 2. the pick up, 3. the assessment.
I remember when I was in high school a lot of teen mags had articles about what to do on first dates, or first kisses, or sexing and I used be annoyed that there were no articles on how to get to the first date. Knowing the logistics of kissing is all well and good but if you can't figure out how to flirt or who might be interested in kissing and who isn't, there isn't going to be a lot of kissing! 'The sighting' is what Kearns names the first encounter with someone whether it is up close or from a far. He discusses the signs that a woman is being sighted (signs that can easily be overlooked) and strategies are discussed for how responding to our own sightings. The main idea being to not let the opportunity pass you by. The book also talks about the type of places you're likely to have more sightings than other (fyi, your book club isn't the best place), and how your friends might be cock-blocking you even though they seem to be encouraging and supportive.
The pickup advice discusses how to bridge from a sighting (literally seeing someone you're attracted to or noticing that someone else is seeing you as attractive) to the dating/hooking up. The assessment discusses compatibility and potential for a long-term union - things that should be considered right away and others that are considered further into the relationship.
I wouldn't say that this give the reader all the answers or even that you're given all the tools to be successful. Instead, I think this book is powerful in the way it gets you to think about your romantic encounters.
I was pretty surprised when I read the discussion around intelligence and intellect. Kearns warns not to date down in terms of intelligence and intellect. I was literally surprised when I read that because other sources suggest that women should dumb themselves down around men, or pretend that incompatible intellect isn't bothersome. I'm highly educated in a variety of fields, but more than that I am so so so so soooooo analytical. I love asking questions and figuring stuff out through speculating and discussion. With some of my friends, this is literally a pastime of ours:
"Where do you want to sit?"
"I don't care, wherever you want"
"Booth, table, booth, table?"
"I don't care. Hey, what do you think a preference for booths says about a person?"
"Geez, I don't know. I guess we'd have to think about the differences between table and booth sitting and behaviours right? And then go from there..." and off we go.
I've heard a lot, in my life, to tone the brain down around boys from a variety of sources. More recently I was told how intimidating men can find brains. But it's weird, because I can't seem to control it ... so I've always disregarded this as relevant advice. It's really refreshing to see someone point out why not considering who you will be compatible with you (even in the brains department) can be detrimental.
If you find that you are having trouble meeting me or that there seems to be no opportunities for you to meet anyone decent, then perhaps you should give this book a read. If nothing else, you'll be reading someone's philosophy on the dating scene.
Now you probably see why I am writing this review. Once I picked up this book, I didn't put it down for another book and it had some discussion points in it that I discussed with my friend. More than that, there are some things that I've actually taken away from this book and incorporated into my personal philosophy. I feel that a review is the least I can do since I didn't actually buy the book.
I'm not the target market for this book. I'm still in school so it's really easy (theoretically) for me to find eligible men and this book is more aimed at the woman would who finds that on a day to day basis she isn't coming across a lot of eligible men and says 'where have all the (good) men gone?'. The main message of this book is that good men are around, easily accessible and available, but most women aren't noticing them. This books aims to increase awareness.
J.M. Kearns is a man. I've read quite a few dating books by men and usually they say things that seem wrong or superficial or fake. Kearns did a great job of making a logical argument concerning the dating scene rather than just depending on cultural stereotypes. One example of his logical, multifaceted arguments is when he talks about looking good. The cultural stereotype is that men like good looking women. Kearns agrees with this notion, but then points out that people have different types and find different things attractive. Then he goes on to illustrate how a man might act if what he is attracted to isn't the societal norm and how women might miss the subtle cues that indicate that the man is indeed interested. Kearns also goes on to say that just because the woman doesn't feel attractive it doesn't mean that she isn't attracting a man's attention - such as when you run to get milk in your sweats. He illustrates how a woman's sense of whether she is looking good or not can actually (for lack of a better term)cock-block herself. Imagine that! Do you see how the situation about your physical appearance is talked about in a multifaceted way? Interestingly, this is only one of many topics that Kearns addresses in this fashion. And in all honesty, I haven't done this example justice. He does a great job of addressing the grey-area that we often over look.
This book addresses some things that jive with my own problem areas: 1. the sighting, 2. the pick up, 3. the assessment.
I remember when I was in high school a lot of teen mags had articles about what to do on first dates, or first kisses, or sexing and I used be annoyed that there were no articles on how to get to the first date. Knowing the logistics of kissing is all well and good but if you can't figure out how to flirt or who might be interested in kissing and who isn't, there isn't going to be a lot of kissing! 'The sighting' is what Kearns names the first encounter with someone whether it is up close or from a far. He discusses the signs that a woman is being sighted (signs that can easily be overlooked) and strategies are discussed for how responding to our own sightings. The main idea being to not let the opportunity pass you by. The book also talks about the type of places you're likely to have more sightings than other (fyi, your book club isn't the best place), and how your friends might be cock-blocking you even though they seem to be encouraging and supportive.
The pickup advice discusses how to bridge from a sighting (literally seeing someone you're attracted to or noticing that someone else is seeing you as attractive) to the dating/hooking up. The assessment discusses compatibility and potential for a long-term union - things that should be considered right away and others that are considered further into the relationship.
I wouldn't say that this give the reader all the answers or even that you're given all the tools to be successful. Instead, I think this book is powerful in the way it gets you to think about your romantic encounters.
I was pretty surprised when I read the discussion around intelligence and intellect. Kearns warns not to date down in terms of intelligence and intellect. I was literally surprised when I read that because other sources suggest that women should dumb themselves down around men, or pretend that incompatible intellect isn't bothersome. I'm highly educated in a variety of fields, but more than that I am so so so so soooooo analytical. I love asking questions and figuring stuff out through speculating and discussion. With some of my friends, this is literally a pastime of ours:
"Where do you want to sit?"
"I don't care, wherever you want"
"Booth, table, booth, table?"
"I don't care. Hey, what do you think a preference for booths says about a person?"
"Geez, I don't know. I guess we'd have to think about the differences between table and booth sitting and behaviours right? And then go from there..." and off we go.
I've heard a lot, in my life, to tone the brain down around boys from a variety of sources. More recently I was told how intimidating men can find brains. But it's weird, because I can't seem to control it ... so I've always disregarded this as relevant advice. It's really refreshing to see someone point out why not considering who you will be compatible with you (even in the brains department) can be detrimental.
If you find that you are having trouble meeting me or that there seems to be no opportunities for you to meet anyone decent, then perhaps you should give this book a read. If nothing else, you'll be reading someone's philosophy on the dating scene.
August 3, 2011
This was the stupidest dating book I've ever read. My roommate picked this up at a bookstore and we had a good laugh reading through these chapters together. This guy speaks as though he's never even met a woman, let alone knows how they think. To make matters worse, he doesn't seem to understand how men think either.
The funniest thing about this book is the fact that he's constantly declaring a point and then arguing against his own point later on in the chapter or chapters to follow. For example, he sets out the premise that women need to be proactive and search for the man of their dreams instead of sitting idly by and waiting for him. In the very next section he gives an example of a man who searched high and low for the woman of his dreams, only to find her minding her own business in a bar. The woman in this example did absolutely nothing to pursue the man. She just happened to be in the right place at the right time. Does the author not realize that he just disproved his own point??
Mr. Kearns is clearly an unromantic soul who most likely is not, nor ever has been, truly in love. His current "partner" found him through an extensive internet search of her own. Perhaps sitting around and waiting for the woman to come to him is his way of doing things, but I don't think most men operate that way. Men are natural hunters and I don't think long-term, healthy relationships can be formed when the woman does all the work of the initial pursuit.
The funniest thing about this book is the fact that he's constantly declaring a point and then arguing against his own point later on in the chapter or chapters to follow. For example, he sets out the premise that women need to be proactive and search for the man of their dreams instead of sitting idly by and waiting for him. In the very next section he gives an example of a man who searched high and low for the woman of his dreams, only to find her minding her own business in a bar. The woman in this example did absolutely nothing to pursue the man. She just happened to be in the right place at the right time. Does the author not realize that he just disproved his own point??
Mr. Kearns is clearly an unromantic soul who most likely is not, nor ever has been, truly in love. His current "partner" found him through an extensive internet search of her own. Perhaps sitting around and waiting for the woman to come to him is his way of doing things, but I don't think most men operate that way. Men are natural hunters and I don't think long-term, healthy relationships can be formed when the woman does all the work of the initial pursuit.
June 13, 2010
Good usefull book i though. I liked the insight into mens heads about what they think about women and how different men go for different women.
It is a helpful book if you are activitly looking for a guy and are loosing hope. It boosts your confidence in finding someone.
The internet profile writing advise was good as well, basically saying to be honest and up front! It got a bit repetative towards the end but overall i enjoyed this book.
It is a helpful book if you are activitly looking for a guy and are loosing hope. It boosts your confidence in finding someone.
The internet profile writing advise was good as well, basically saying to be honest and up front! It got a bit repetative towards the end but overall i enjoyed this book.
March 20, 2010
Really good tips and ideas on putting yourself out there and read/attract men better. Was going great until it digressed into a book about online dating. It's like he said, "Forget everything I just taught you, you'll never get to use it! Just date online, that's the ONLY way you'll really meet someone." I say, "Meh".
September 15, 2011
It was a good read. I got some useful information about the male mind and what steps I can take to be pro-active in my manifestation of Mr. Right. I think it would be very eye-opening for a traditional woman, and would make a difference, so I would recommend it to someone who seems to have no idea what/how men think!
August 6, 2009
This is written from a male perspective and suggests safe venues to hang out and look for "Mr. Right". The only thing I'm weary of is the chapter that suggests to search online for a man. I've tried it and I'm not crazy about that method.
July 10, 2012
If you are desperate, dumb or clueless...read this book!
February 21, 2016
A different perspective with positive suggestions for a tired subject
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews