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Labor of Love: The Invention of Dating
A brilliant and surprising investigation into why we date the way we do
It seems as though every week there’s a new app available on your smartphone promising dates aplenty—just swipe right. A mate, on the other hand, is becoming harder and harder to find. The age-old quest for true love requires more effort than ever before. Let’s face it: Dating is work.
Which, as it happens, is exactly where it began, in the nineteenth century—as prostitution. In Labor of Love, Moira Weigel dives into the secret history of dating while holding up a mirror to the contemporary dating landscape, revealing why we date the way we do and explaining why it feels so much like work. This isn’t a guide to “getting the guy”; there are no ridiculous “rules” to follow in Labor of Love. This is a brilliant, fresh, and utterly original approach to help us understand how dating was invented and, hopefully, to lead us closer to the happy ending that it promises.
It seems as though every week there’s a new app available on your smartphone promising dates aplenty—just swipe right. A mate, on the other hand, is becoming harder and harder to find. The age-old quest for true love requires more effort than ever before. Let’s face it: Dating is work.
Which, as it happens, is exactly where it began, in the nineteenth century—as prostitution. In Labor of Love, Moira Weigel dives into the secret history of dating while holding up a mirror to the contemporary dating landscape, revealing why we date the way we do and explaining why it feels so much like work. This isn’t a guide to “getting the guy”; there are no ridiculous “rules” to follow in Labor of Love. This is a brilliant, fresh, and utterly original approach to help us understand how dating was invented and, hopefully, to lead us closer to the happy ending that it promises.
304 pages, Hardcover
First published May 17, 2016
127 people are currently reading
3980 people want to read
About the author
Moira Weigel
25 books27 followersMoira Weigel is a historian and theorist of media technologies and a founding editor of Logic magazine. Originally trained in modern languages, including German and Mandarin Chinese, she now studies digital media in a global context, focusing on vulnerabilities and opportunities that arise from the translingual and transnational movements of texts, images, information, and human actors. She also has a strong secondary interest in feminism, gender, and sexuality.
Moira’s first book, Labor of Love: the Invention of Dating (2016), countered widespread claims that the rise of mobile phones and social media were bringing about the “death of romance,” showing that modern courtship practices have consistently coevolved with consumer capitalism and other forms of gendered work. Labor of Love has been translated into five languages and appeared in dozens of outlets including The New Yorker, The New York Times, The Economist, The Washington Post, The Atlantic, The Guardian, Wall Street Journal, NPR, CNN, and HBO. In the process of talking about it in public, Moira developed a keen interest in online misogyny, racism, and disinformation, that led her to her current book project. Tentatively entitled Politically Correct: The History of an Accusation, it tracks the rise of “PC” as an early meme and the role that debates about it played in the formation of a surprising range of digitally mediated counterpublics worldwide.
Alongside her academic research, Moira is a cofounder of Logic magazine and Logic Books and co-editor of Voices from the Valley (2020), a collection of interviews with anonymous workers from across the Bay Area tech industry. She received her PhD from the joint program in Comparative Literature and Film and Media Studies at Yale University and spent 2017-2020 at the Harvard Society of Fellows. She is currently a Sociotechnical Security Fellow at the Data and Society Institute. In 2021, she will join Northeastern University as an Assistant Professor in Communication Studies.
Moira’s first book, Labor of Love: the Invention of Dating (2016), countered widespread claims that the rise of mobile phones and social media were bringing about the “death of romance,” showing that modern courtship practices have consistently coevolved with consumer capitalism and other forms of gendered work. Labor of Love has been translated into five languages and appeared in dozens of outlets including The New Yorker, The New York Times, The Economist, The Washington Post, The Atlantic, The Guardian, Wall Street Journal, NPR, CNN, and HBO. In the process of talking about it in public, Moira developed a keen interest in online misogyny, racism, and disinformation, that led her to her current book project. Tentatively entitled Politically Correct: The History of an Accusation, it tracks the rise of “PC” as an early meme and the role that debates about it played in the formation of a surprising range of digitally mediated counterpublics worldwide.
Alongside her academic research, Moira is a cofounder of Logic magazine and Logic Books and co-editor of Voices from the Valley (2020), a collection of interviews with anonymous workers from across the Bay Area tech industry. She received her PhD from the joint program in Comparative Literature and Film and Media Studies at Yale University and spent 2017-2020 at the Harvard Society of Fellows. She is currently a Sociotechnical Security Fellow at the Data and Society Institute. In 2021, she will join Northeastern University as an Assistant Professor in Communication Studies.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 203 reviews
February 7, 2017
After being in an unhealthy relationship at the age of twenty-six, Moira Weigel had an epiphany: her assumptions about how she should act and what she should want were largely defined by her experience dating. Curious about how courtship defined her as a woman, she began researching the origins of dating. What she discovered was so pivotal in reshaping her understanding of herself and of her desires that she felt compelled to write a book.
While it's often lamented in our modern age that dating is dead, Labor of Love reveals that dating in its earliest stages was rife with controversy and generally viewed with disapproval. Right out the gate, the book poses an interesting correlation between dating and prostitution, citing the exchange of money - in the form of meals, movie tickets, flowers, etc. - and the subsequent assumption made by some men that women should return the favor with sexual deeds.
So around 1900, when the police started to notice that young people were meeting up on city streets and going out together, they became concerned. Many early daters - the female ones, anyway - were arrested for it. In the eyes of the authorities, women who let men buy them food and drinks or gifts and entrance tickets looked like whores, and making a date seemed the same as turning a trick.
But it would be difficult to pinpoint what exactly makes sleeping with someone because he bought you dinner different from sleeping with someone because he paid you what that dinner cost.
This arresting notion is inspected from both sides by examining the perspective of women who marry for money, not love.
According to Yolanda, "true love" is what you share with a man who finds you as sexy as you find him rich. It makes that exchange - of sex for financial security, consumer pleasure, and social status - easy. Not like work at all.
One drawback of the book is the limited scope of study. The author confesses early on that much of the data on dating concerns middle-class kids who are white and straight, or college graduates living in cities, so the book focuses on a narrow group of people. The rare instances when Labor of Love explores more varied age groups or different races is captivating. For example, when discussing the liberation of white women in the 1960's, who thought their sudden ability to work outside the home would eradicate problems of gender inequality, the viewpoint of African American women offer an illuminating counter perspective:
Black feminists and working-class feminists tended to be much more perceptive about the limitations of Fun Fearless Feminism. Because African American women had always worked outside their homes, ever since their ancestors were brought to the United States as slaves, they did not mistake the "opportunity" to work as an adequate solution to all the problems that women had to deal with.
Another point of particular intrigue concerns the persistent presence of the wage gap:
Despite the record numbers of women entering the workforce, the belief remained widespread they were working not to support themselves but only to supplement the earnings of fathers or husbands. [. . .] In 1900, the average female worker earned less than half of what a man would earn in the same position.
But as working for a salary became standard practice, the reality that housewives contributed to the economy became harder to see. [. . .] Work was what men did out in public. Not-work was what women did at home. According to this theory, women had no desire to be compensated. They did all they did out of instinct.
What begins as a study on dating spreads to events that naturally follow such as sexual relations, marriage, and procreation. Some of the topics explored include: consumerism being exploited to bring couples together; the emergence of coed schools affecting a shift in traditional courtship and spawning new words to define sexual exploration; the sexual revolution of the sixties and seventies, and how it wasn't as freeing for women as it was for men; how AIDS inhibited sex in the eighties; and how the internet completely redefined dating and sex.
Occasionally the author's thoughts are difficult to follow. A simple rephrasing of a sentence or a few well-placed commas would have helped to better convey the author's intended meaning. Also, despite being a book about dating and sex, there's nothing scintillating within its pages; everything is presented academically and in the driest terms possible. This book is liable to garner the attention of readers with an already inherent interest in the subject matter but may drag for readers who are new to feminism or are just curious about the history of dating in America.
Labor of Love offers a practical examination of how the evolution of dating has impacted women in America over the last century.
While it's often lamented in our modern age that dating is dead, Labor of Love reveals that dating in its earliest stages was rife with controversy and generally viewed with disapproval. Right out the gate, the book poses an interesting correlation between dating and prostitution, citing the exchange of money - in the form of meals, movie tickets, flowers, etc. - and the subsequent assumption made by some men that women should return the favor with sexual deeds.
So around 1900, when the police started to notice that young people were meeting up on city streets and going out together, they became concerned. Many early daters - the female ones, anyway - were arrested for it. In the eyes of the authorities, women who let men buy them food and drinks or gifts and entrance tickets looked like whores, and making a date seemed the same as turning a trick.
But it would be difficult to pinpoint what exactly makes sleeping with someone because he bought you dinner different from sleeping with someone because he paid you what that dinner cost.
This arresting notion is inspected from both sides by examining the perspective of women who marry for money, not love.
According to Yolanda, "true love" is what you share with a man who finds you as sexy as you find him rich. It makes that exchange - of sex for financial security, consumer pleasure, and social status - easy. Not like work at all.
One drawback of the book is the limited scope of study. The author confesses early on that much of the data on dating concerns middle-class kids who are white and straight, or college graduates living in cities, so the book focuses on a narrow group of people. The rare instances when Labor of Love explores more varied age groups or different races is captivating. For example, when discussing the liberation of white women in the 1960's, who thought their sudden ability to work outside the home would eradicate problems of gender inequality, the viewpoint of African American women offer an illuminating counter perspective:
Black feminists and working-class feminists tended to be much more perceptive about the limitations of Fun Fearless Feminism. Because African American women had always worked outside their homes, ever since their ancestors were brought to the United States as slaves, they did not mistake the "opportunity" to work as an adequate solution to all the problems that women had to deal with.
Another point of particular intrigue concerns the persistent presence of the wage gap:
Despite the record numbers of women entering the workforce, the belief remained widespread they were working not to support themselves but only to supplement the earnings of fathers or husbands. [. . .] In 1900, the average female worker earned less than half of what a man would earn in the same position.
But as working for a salary became standard practice, the reality that housewives contributed to the economy became harder to see. [. . .] Work was what men did out in public. Not-work was what women did at home. According to this theory, women had no desire to be compensated. They did all they did out of instinct.
What begins as a study on dating spreads to events that naturally follow such as sexual relations, marriage, and procreation. Some of the topics explored include: consumerism being exploited to bring couples together; the emergence of coed schools affecting a shift in traditional courtship and spawning new words to define sexual exploration; the sexual revolution of the sixties and seventies, and how it wasn't as freeing for women as it was for men; how AIDS inhibited sex in the eighties; and how the internet completely redefined dating and sex.
Occasionally the author's thoughts are difficult to follow. A simple rephrasing of a sentence or a few well-placed commas would have helped to better convey the author's intended meaning. Also, despite being a book about dating and sex, there's nothing scintillating within its pages; everything is presented academically and in the driest terms possible. This book is liable to garner the attention of readers with an already inherent interest in the subject matter but may drag for readers who are new to feminism or are just curious about the history of dating in America.
Labor of Love offers a practical examination of how the evolution of dating has impacted women in America over the last century.
May 27, 2020
This book is about dating and how it has changed (and not changed) over the years.
Remember the scene in “The Godfather” where Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) has been exiled to Sicily and is walking with the daughter of the local villager – followed by what seems the entire town. That’s not a date!
A good definition of a date, per the author, is where “young people meet unsupervised” (page 7). This started in the early 1900’s. It was aided by the migration to cities and when young women started working, generally at low-paying jobs.
This book is well-written and better than I thought it would be – and has many anecdotes about the wonderful world of dating.
The word “dating/dates” came from calendar dates – as in he or she has a lot of dates filled in.
The author provides an example of a young co-ed who in 1968 was living with her boyfriend while attending college. When this was discovered it caused an uproar, made the media, and she was forced to leave college. This happened in New York City, not in some outpost in a mid-western state.
This is not a book of advice, but some wisdom is sprinkled here and there. One is the author skewers self-help books on dating which only serve to perpetuate role-playing, and are a marketing tactic for making money and causing anguish.
She mixes in the trends of our current electronic dating with the way it was - like in the telephone days, like “going steady in the 1950’s and 60’s. Some of this changed with the downturn of the economy in the 1970’s.
She does not bring up subjects like date-rape. She does bring up gay lifestyles. Unfortunately, she does not discuss “the conversation of birth control” - an essential dating topic when the relationship starts to progress (or to use an American acronym: when the relationship gets beyond “first base”).
She does bring up how electronic media has created many new lifestyle niches. This book is very U.S. centric and mainly focused on the middle class.
It is entertaining, instructional and explores the many historical layers of this vast topic.
Remember the scene in “The Godfather” where Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) has been exiled to Sicily and is walking with the daughter of the local villager – followed by what seems the entire town. That’s not a date!
A good definition of a date, per the author, is where “young people meet unsupervised” (page 7). This started in the early 1900’s. It was aided by the migration to cities and when young women started working, generally at low-paying jobs.
This book is well-written and better than I thought it would be – and has many anecdotes about the wonderful world of dating.
The word “dating/dates” came from calendar dates – as in he or she has a lot of dates filled in.
The author provides an example of a young co-ed who in 1968 was living with her boyfriend while attending college. When this was discovered it caused an uproar, made the media, and she was forced to leave college. This happened in New York City, not in some outpost in a mid-western state.
This is not a book of advice, but some wisdom is sprinkled here and there. One is the author skewers self-help books on dating which only serve to perpetuate role-playing, and are a marketing tactic for making money and causing anguish.
She mixes in the trends of our current electronic dating with the way it was - like in the telephone days, like “going steady in the 1950’s and 60’s. Some of this changed with the downturn of the economy in the 1970’s.
She does not bring up subjects like date-rape. She does bring up gay lifestyles. Unfortunately, she does not discuss “the conversation of birth control” - an essential dating topic when the relationship starts to progress (or to use an American acronym: when the relationship gets beyond “first base”).
She does bring up how electronic media has created many new lifestyle niches. This book is very U.S. centric and mainly focused on the middle class.
It is entertaining, instructional and explores the many historical layers of this vast topic.
June 11, 2016
One thing you have to know about this book before getting at it: it was done by an scholar, it belongs to the social sciences and sociology section, and it is written (although watered down and more friendly) in an academic style and format. It is not a self-help book on how to date or find love, and everyone looking for something down that alley, for sure will be disappointed.
That being said, this book is a pretty comprehensive analysis on the development of modern dating codes and arrangements, with a heavy focus on how the role of women in the dating arena has changed over time and, to a large extent, mold her stance in society. Sure, most of the time it's subject to how men approach them, but still, the focus tends to gravitate around the role of women around courtship and relationships. Covering from roughly the beginning of the 2oth century to the current decade, Weigel go over the transformation of dating and romance during its evolution along with the social changes of the century: from the stay-at-home lady that had to be visited, to the shop girls entering the work force (and, thus, increasing the size of their dating pool), to the modern professional women balancing work, dating, marriage and pregnancy.
Although scholarly, Labor of Love is somewhat superficial. It is maybe in an awkward position of trying not to be so profound, in-depth and dull as academic writing tends to be, but clearly avoiding the superficiality and dumbing down that you would expect from a book about dating.
My only problem with the book would be that it misses its contribution to the subject. We get the very thoroughly account on the "invention" (or evolution) of dating, with a light, entertaining and funny voice. The only thing missing is the "so then, what?", that I was expecting from it. Even though, it was an interesting and engaging reading.
That being said, this book is a pretty comprehensive analysis on the development of modern dating codes and arrangements, with a heavy focus on how the role of women in the dating arena has changed over time and, to a large extent, mold her stance in society. Sure, most of the time it's subject to how men approach them, but still, the focus tends to gravitate around the role of women around courtship and relationships. Covering from roughly the beginning of the 2oth century to the current decade, Weigel go over the transformation of dating and romance during its evolution along with the social changes of the century: from the stay-at-home lady that had to be visited, to the shop girls entering the work force (and, thus, increasing the size of their dating pool), to the modern professional women balancing work, dating, marriage and pregnancy.
Although scholarly, Labor of Love is somewhat superficial. It is maybe in an awkward position of trying not to be so profound, in-depth and dull as academic writing tends to be, but clearly avoiding the superficiality and dumbing down that you would expect from a book about dating.
My only problem with the book would be that it misses its contribution to the subject. We get the very thoroughly account on the "invention" (or evolution) of dating, with a light, entertaining and funny voice. The only thing missing is the "so then, what?", that I was expecting from it. Even though, it was an interesting and engaging reading.
July 30, 2017
Rating: 4 STARS
(Review Not on Blog)
(I am working on a writing project on dating, love, romance, self confidence, creativity and self love. Currently, I am reading and researching the topics. The books I am reading for this I will also be reviewing, but may not discuss the project in the review.)
This is the book that inspired me to begin my writing project. I am currently dating, again (in my mid 30s) and it is just as bad as I thought it would be (and as last time), lol. As I started to read this book on the history of dating I became motivated to write. More on this in the essays.
I really liked Weigel's writing and her wit. She starts with how dating first came on the scene and grew in popularity. She describes the changes over the decades especially in the recent years with online dating. I am hoping to get my own copy to read again to see how (if it does) changes my thoughts, but also for more inspiration! I recommend this one to those who enjoy history, social customs, or are dating.
(Review Not on Blog)
(I am working on a writing project on dating, love, romance, self confidence, creativity and self love. Currently, I am reading and researching the topics. The books I am reading for this I will also be reviewing, but may not discuss the project in the review.)
This is the book that inspired me to begin my writing project. I am currently dating, again (in my mid 30s) and it is just as bad as I thought it would be (and as last time), lol. As I started to read this book on the history of dating I became motivated to write. More on this in the essays.
I really liked Weigel's writing and her wit. She starts with how dating first came on the scene and grew in popularity. She describes the changes over the decades especially in the recent years with online dating. I am hoping to get my own copy to read again to see how (if it does) changes my thoughts, but also for more inspiration! I recommend this one to those who enjoy history, social customs, or are dating.
January 14, 2019
A materialist perspective on dating! so good
June 27, 2016
This was a truly fascinating read! I would have given it five stars, had it not been so narrowly focused on Western--really (North) America--white heterosexual dating. The book does give portions to talk about non-white and LGBT+ dating, but primarily the focus is the history of cishet dating.
The writing is really remarkably engaging, and I particularly enjoyed the structure of the book, taking us through the history of dating back to the early 1900s through to 2010s. Each historical chapter was firmly situated in today's society, giving the reader context and lasting repercussions of each trend. Really, really interesting and well done.
The writing is really remarkably engaging, and I particularly enjoyed the structure of the book, taking us through the history of dating back to the early 1900s through to 2010s. Each historical chapter was firmly situated in today's society, giving the reader context and lasting repercussions of each trend. Really, really interesting and well done.
January 7, 2018
If you’re interested in the evolution of dating and mating in the twentieth century, this is a good book to pick up. This book was written in response to the ongoing refrain that dating is disappearing, and it suggests that dating is an invention of the twentieth century, and has been in an almost constant state of flux for the last 100 years. I always enjoy reading books that puncture a sense that a certain something has always been a certain way, and this book does a good job exploring the negotiations between prospective romantic partners across the last hundred years. Weigel’s effective central thesis understands attracting and meeting a romantic partner as a particular kind of labour, and that dating is a kind of marketplace, influenced by and influencing other dominant cultural trends. She takes on a roughly chronological timeline, always linking historical trends to the behaviour of today.
I’ve read a few reviews that suggest that this book is too academic - I’m actually going to complain that it’s not academic enough. I would have liked to see some citations, and I also would have been interested in more discussion about the scholarship of dating and romance. What appears is just as interesting to me as the rest of the material. I also applaud the author for attempting to include more than just a straight, white, upper-and-middle class perspective, and I wish she’d had more time to delve into these areas too. I found the section on the secret language and signals gay men used to find one another, and the resulting sense of mystery and illicit risk incredibly interesting.
Many of the reviews that suggest that this book is too academic also state that it’s dry. I found it just the opposite. It’s very light, easy to read, and the paragraphs rarely reach half a page in length. It’s written in the first person style, and sprinkled with anecdotes from the author’s friends and family. Each chapter contains plenty of references to dating in the present, and I suspect she did this at least in part to keep her audience engaged. I might have wished she had left some of these references out, because I thought they got in the way of the central argument, or felt a bit forced, but I understand their place in a pop social sciences book.
I picked this book up because I heard Weigel speak on a podcast, and thought her work sounded interesting. If you like Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance, you might like this too.
I’ve read a few reviews that suggest that this book is too academic - I’m actually going to complain that it’s not academic enough. I would have liked to see some citations, and I also would have been interested in more discussion about the scholarship of dating and romance. What appears is just as interesting to me as the rest of the material. I also applaud the author for attempting to include more than just a straight, white, upper-and-middle class perspective, and I wish she’d had more time to delve into these areas too. I found the section on the secret language and signals gay men used to find one another, and the resulting sense of mystery and illicit risk incredibly interesting.
Many of the reviews that suggest that this book is too academic also state that it’s dry. I found it just the opposite. It’s very light, easy to read, and the paragraphs rarely reach half a page in length. It’s written in the first person style, and sprinkled with anecdotes from the author’s friends and family. Each chapter contains plenty of references to dating in the present, and I suspect she did this at least in part to keep her audience engaged. I might have wished she had left some of these references out, because I thought they got in the way of the central argument, or felt a bit forced, but I understand their place in a pop social sciences book.
I picked this book up because I heard Weigel speak on a podcast, and thought her work sounded interesting. If you like Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance, you might like this too.
May 30, 2016
What a delight! I haven't been able to put this book down. Three things I *love* the most about it:
Its validation of my experience of dating as an adult. It was indeed a labor, like a second full-time job, where you and all your co-workers bring a bunch of extra emotional baggage to work.
The way that the reading experience feels like you're in conversation with the author, jumping seamlessly -- and delightfully -- throughout history, as when from one page to the next the text moves from Grindr to birth rates at the dawn of the 20th century to the frat parties of our grandparents' era.
Its thorough undermining of widely and dearly held beliefs (including my own) about what's "traditional" when it comes to dating, gender roles, and love itself.
Its validation of my experience of dating as an adult. It was indeed a labor, like a second full-time job, where you and all your co-workers bring a bunch of extra emotional baggage to work.
The way that the reading experience feels like you're in conversation with the author, jumping seamlessly -- and delightfully -- throughout history, as when from one page to the next the text moves from Grindr to birth rates at the dawn of the 20th century to the frat parties of our grandparents' era.
Its thorough undermining of widely and dearly held beliefs (including my own) about what's "traditional" when it comes to dating, gender roles, and love itself.
May 4, 2017
This one just didn't work for me.
April 27, 2024
A great sociological read -- it's great to learn about the context of all in which we live and what came before us 🌴🥥
January 22, 2018
This is a very interesting history of dating. Here are a few things that struck me. First, dating is a very large part of American culture, society, and the economy. Second, dating has evolved a lot over the last 100 years, which can be attributed to the social and economic emancipation of women and technological advances. Dating evolved to adapt to this new changing landscape. Third, we single people of today think that we have it really bad, that everything is pitted against us in the search for love (whatever kind it may be - monogamous or not, legally binding or not, hetero or not). This is not so. The evolution of dating and the social norms it consists of have always caused frustration to those in its throes.
This third point leads me to what I enjoyed most and sought in this book - Weigel's thoughts on how to deal with the labor of love, the day-to-day toil, grind, and agony of searching for the right partner and hoping that love takes root. She criticizes those who take the view that dating is a market - a competition for the best resources available wherein expressing emotion is a liability. She criticizes those who would use dating to further their success or enhance their reputations. Instead she states that love, desire guided by emotion, should fuel the labor. She advises that love requires vulnerability and the desire to be made whole through connection with others. In short, reject the 'should' statements that come with seeing love as a race - "I should get out there" or "I should give it a shot with so-and-so even though I don't really feel much of a spark there". Instead, she counsels to be in touch with your thoughts and desires and to trust them to guide your actions. She hints at these views in the chapters devoted to the history of dating, saving the elaboration for the afterword.
Here is one last point I really enjoyed. I will only give some context because I don't want to spoil it. In one important anecdote, she puts friendship on nearly the same plane as romantic relationships. I thought this was awesome.
This third point leads me to what I enjoyed most and sought in this book - Weigel's thoughts on how to deal with the labor of love, the day-to-day toil, grind, and agony of searching for the right partner and hoping that love takes root. She criticizes those who take the view that dating is a market - a competition for the best resources available wherein expressing emotion is a liability. She criticizes those who would use dating to further their success or enhance their reputations. Instead she states that love, desire guided by emotion, should fuel the labor. She advises that love requires vulnerability and the desire to be made whole through connection with others. In short, reject the 'should' statements that come with seeing love as a race - "I should get out there" or "I should give it a shot with so-and-so even though I don't really feel much of a spark there". Instead, she counsels to be in touch with your thoughts and desires and to trust them to guide your actions. She hints at these views in the chapters devoted to the history of dating, saving the elaboration for the afterword.
Here is one last point I really enjoyed. I will only give some context because I don't want to spoil it. In one important anecdote, she puts friendship on nearly the same plane as romantic relationships. I thought this was awesome.
March 9, 2017
This author began by relating her own dating experiences as well as her personal opinions about dating. Listening to the introduction, I thought I was going to hate this book, but I ended up loving it! Weigel provided an interesting, entertaining, and sometimes surprising history of dating. She ended the book by making excellent arguments against the self-help movement. That was really satisfying. She called out all the games that couples play and made a case for how self-help books feed into that terrible habit.
August 26, 2019
In the current age of "Hook-Up Culture," it is often said that daters eschew emotional attachments in romantic entanglements. Romance is dead; to use a blunt phrase, folks simply "hit it and quit it." Such a statement, Moira Weigel argues, makes many erroneous assumptions about the "traditional" practices of dating in the U.S. Using the tools of diverse fields like cultural studies, cultural history, literary criticism, sociology, and film studies, Weigel provides readers with a wonderfully complex history of dating in the U.S.
Dating as Americans currently know it is a 20th-century invention, a product of industrialization, urbanization, economic shifts, and women entering the U.S. workforce en masse. Weigel asserts that both dating and love are social constructs (as opposed to "naturally" occurring phenomena) subject to the ebbs and flows of the market. Economic regimes, more specifically capitalism, and, in the late 20th and early 21st centuries, neoliberalism, influence dating patterns and habits. Furthermore, dating also spurs a consumer culture that thrives of our (dysfunctional) dating patterns and ceaseless quest for love. What I found most compelling was Weigel's argument that dating itself is also a form of labor. The labor of dating and the labor of loving, are, in a deeply unequal society, unequally distributed. The ramifications of this distribution are reified in our social, political, economic, and personal lives.
As Weigel supports her argument by describing dating across the 20th century, she shares historical facts that upend what we thought we knew about dating. At the turn of the 20th century, for instance, many first daters were criminalized, especially Black women; the singles bars widespread across the nation today evolved out of the public social spaces created for queer dating; the free love movement of the 1960s was not unique, for there was a free love movement in the 1870s after the end of the U.S. Civil War; rent parties, which constituted a way for Black Americans in New York to pay drastically high rents for segregated housing, provided a locale for many Black daters (and later served as the site in which disco music and culture emerged).
'Labor of Love' is absolutely brilliant; it brings feminist theory, visual culture, history, and critiques of power together in a clever way. My only critique is that I wanted Weigel's argument to be bolder. There wasn't always a clear throughline from each of the chapters to the text's central thesis, and Weigel never makes explicit what precisely is at stake. For instance, while discussing the myth of the biological clock, Weigel is clear that solutions such as egg freezing and IVF (two procedures originally pioneered to aid individuals who had trouble conceiving as opposed to aiding "healthy" women whose work lives would not permit them to conceive prior to their late 30s) does not actually address the problem: notions and practices of work are at odds with the biological constraints that some individuals face with respect to reproduction. I wanted Weigel to parse that statement--explain to her reader how and why that poses an issue for an ostensibly democratic society committed to equity, justice, and reproductive freedom.
Nevertheless, I enjoyed 'Labor of Love' immensely and would definitely recommend it.
Dating as Americans currently know it is a 20th-century invention, a product of industrialization, urbanization, economic shifts, and women entering the U.S. workforce en masse. Weigel asserts that both dating and love are social constructs (as opposed to "naturally" occurring phenomena) subject to the ebbs and flows of the market. Economic regimes, more specifically capitalism, and, in the late 20th and early 21st centuries, neoliberalism, influence dating patterns and habits. Furthermore, dating also spurs a consumer culture that thrives of our (dysfunctional) dating patterns and ceaseless quest for love. What I found most compelling was Weigel's argument that dating itself is also a form of labor. The labor of dating and the labor of loving, are, in a deeply unequal society, unequally distributed. The ramifications of this distribution are reified in our social, political, economic, and personal lives.
As Weigel supports her argument by describing dating across the 20th century, she shares historical facts that upend what we thought we knew about dating. At the turn of the 20th century, for instance, many first daters were criminalized, especially Black women; the singles bars widespread across the nation today evolved out of the public social spaces created for queer dating; the free love movement of the 1960s was not unique, for there was a free love movement in the 1870s after the end of the U.S. Civil War; rent parties, which constituted a way for Black Americans in New York to pay drastically high rents for segregated housing, provided a locale for many Black daters (and later served as the site in which disco music and culture emerged).
'Labor of Love' is absolutely brilliant; it brings feminist theory, visual culture, history, and critiques of power together in a clever way. My only critique is that I wanted Weigel's argument to be bolder. There wasn't always a clear throughline from each of the chapters to the text's central thesis, and Weigel never makes explicit what precisely is at stake. For instance, while discussing the myth of the biological clock, Weigel is clear that solutions such as egg freezing and IVF (two procedures originally pioneered to aid individuals who had trouble conceiving as opposed to aiding "healthy" women whose work lives would not permit them to conceive prior to their late 30s) does not actually address the problem: notions and practices of work are at odds with the biological constraints that some individuals face with respect to reproduction. I wanted Weigel to parse that statement--explain to her reader how and why that poses an issue for an ostensibly democratic society committed to equity, justice, and reproductive freedom.
Nevertheless, I enjoyed 'Labor of Love' immensely and would definitely recommend it.
March 22, 2016
Thanks to Netgalley for supplying me with a free copy of this book for review.
Labor of Love offers an insight into the institution of dating. Questions such as: how dating first started, how has dating evolved, what have been moments of change for dating and what does dating look like now are all answered.
This book is very different from Modern Romance, which discussed modern dating, but if you enjoyed that scientific approach to studying dating, then perhaps this book might appeal to you.
There are many interesting facts and interesting topics presented. Things I will take away: dating is a relatively new practice. Things I was fascinated to read about: the impact of aids on dating, the impact of feminism on dating, the impact of economic movements on dating.
The central premise of the book is that dating has always been work, coming neatly back to the title, Labor of Love. However, I feel that this premise was a strange choice, given that only the opening chapters seem to support the theory, the rest of the book hardly even seems to reference it.
I think a truer point made by this book was that dating has never favoured female empowerment. I think if that were the focus of the book, the author could have closed on a note of hope that dating and the rules of dating are forever changing, one day a woman may be free from social judgement and interruption in a process that concerns only her and her date.
Labor of Love offers an insight into the institution of dating. Questions such as: how dating first started, how has dating evolved, what have been moments of change for dating and what does dating look like now are all answered.
This book is very different from Modern Romance, which discussed modern dating, but if you enjoyed that scientific approach to studying dating, then perhaps this book might appeal to you.
There are many interesting facts and interesting topics presented. Things I will take away: dating is a relatively new practice. Things I was fascinated to read about: the impact of aids on dating, the impact of feminism on dating, the impact of economic movements on dating.
The central premise of the book is that dating has always been work, coming neatly back to the title, Labor of Love. However, I feel that this premise was a strange choice, given that only the opening chapters seem to support the theory, the rest of the book hardly even seems to reference it.
I think a truer point made by this book was that dating has never favoured female empowerment. I think if that were the focus of the book, the author could have closed on a note of hope that dating and the rules of dating are forever changing, one day a woman may be free from social judgement and interruption in a process that concerns only her and her date.
August 1, 2016
This book is everything that I wanted Aziz Ansari's Modern Romance to be! A lot of the haters of this book are mad that it's not a self help book or guide to love, but it never professed to be those things. This book is a blend of anthropology and history of the evolution of modern dating. Though details of older dating rituals are briefly discussed, the book mainly focuses on the last century. It details how dating and marriage have changed in America to mirror our changing societal and gender roles, mostly in relation to a woman's space in the work place.
Loving this book was not laborious.
Loving this book was not laborious.
July 3, 2017
This was a great, entertaining, and informative book! It's only downside was that it read more like a series of short, mostly related articles than as coherent chapters.
June 7, 2022
3 stars. Fun and fast.
Reminds you that dating conventions are goofy and contrived. Helpful to open your eyes and help you step back from the game a bit, see forest for trees, set own goals. Not as good as (or thesis-driven as) Art of Love or Attached.
Structure
Historical anecdotes, some personal narrative, and woven cultural commentary. Not a science or psych text, more pod-casty in style. Mostly observational.
Weigel effectively asks two questions:
→ What is the history of dating in America? (specifically looking at: white urban educated young people)
→ What are some interesting cultural, psychological, and societal implications from how that has evolved?
Take-aways:
Overall: Human social interactions are all so contrived, nothing is objective, all is goofy convention. Humans and social group patterns are remarkably flexible within just a few decades. What certain pundits might lament as “tradition” was itself novel and unorthodox merely a generation or two ago.
1. Up to industrial revolution young people would basically “call” on each other.
”Today, calling sounds like holding an awkward kind of office hour. But to the people who did it, it offered the comforts of clear conventions and a community to watch over you while you performed them. It also reinforced a set of strong beliefs about the proper places of men and women. The ritual made men into agents in pursuit. It made women the objects of desire. Some called it the “doctrine of separate spheres.”
2. Around turn-of-century 1900’s you start to get early dating. Meaning, couples without supervision. This dynamic was driven by rising urban populations, new incomes, emerging materialist consumer culture, and the extended of “young adulthood” due to increasing college and highschool attendance.
3. Girls would be taken out, “treated”. Financial dynamics played a huge role due to income gap. Lots of early handwringing around prostitution. Early grounds for escort justification (gifts, not cash) which still exists in legal grey area today.
4. Everyone was dating around. Very little “going steady” which wouldn’t become a dominant dynamic until WWII era. Prior to that going steady was seen as foolish, limiting. Goal was cast a broad net up until marriage.
5. Each of these evolutions in dating (from calling, to dating around, to going steady..) was seen as massive collapse of social structure and mores. Wiegel references a steady stream of NYT articles from the era lamenting the wayward nature of the times.
6. Going steady aka serial monogamy becomes increasingly common post WWII. We begin to see the modern outlines of dating one person at time, interspersed by celibacy, until against a ticking clock you find “the one”. Betty Friedman and the feminine mystique; this pattern isn’t working; lots of depression and unhappiness.
7. Hookup culture, compulsory carelessness. Steely hearts for the freelancing, mobile, young workforce. Class signaling, a game. Date for status and signal as much as for companionship.
Some good quotes on the absurdum
“Since we were children, we had heard that romantic love would be the most important thing that ever happened to us. Love was like a final grade: Whatever else we accomplished would be meaningless without it. We knew that we were supposed to find love by dating. But beyond that there were no clear rules. Nobody even seemed to know what dating was”
“If marriage is the long-term contract that many daters still hope to land, dating itself often feels like the worst, most precarious form of contemporary labor: an unpaid internship. You cannot be sure where things are heading, but you try to gain experience. If you look sharp, you might get a free lunch.”
“Then, as soon as she married, America about-faced. Not only should a young wife have sex, it told her, she should have lots of sex, and she should like it. If you do not like sex as much as your husband, your marriage will not be well-adjusted.”
Reminds you that dating conventions are goofy and contrived. Helpful to open your eyes and help you step back from the game a bit, see forest for trees, set own goals. Not as good as (or thesis-driven as) Art of Love or Attached.
Structure
Historical anecdotes, some personal narrative, and woven cultural commentary. Not a science or psych text, more pod-casty in style. Mostly observational.
Weigel effectively asks two questions:
→ What is the history of dating in America? (specifically looking at: white urban educated young people)
→ What are some interesting cultural, psychological, and societal implications from how that has evolved?
Take-aways:
Overall: Human social interactions are all so contrived, nothing is objective, all is goofy convention. Humans and social group patterns are remarkably flexible within just a few decades. What certain pundits might lament as “tradition” was itself novel and unorthodox merely a generation or two ago.
1. Up to industrial revolution young people would basically “call” on each other.
”Today, calling sounds like holding an awkward kind of office hour. But to the people who did it, it offered the comforts of clear conventions and a community to watch over you while you performed them. It also reinforced a set of strong beliefs about the proper places of men and women. The ritual made men into agents in pursuit. It made women the objects of desire. Some called it the “doctrine of separate spheres.”
2. Around turn-of-century 1900’s you start to get early dating. Meaning, couples without supervision. This dynamic was driven by rising urban populations, new incomes, emerging materialist consumer culture, and the extended of “young adulthood” due to increasing college and highschool attendance.
3. Girls would be taken out, “treated”. Financial dynamics played a huge role due to income gap. Lots of early handwringing around prostitution. Early grounds for escort justification (gifts, not cash) which still exists in legal grey area today.
4. Everyone was dating around. Very little “going steady” which wouldn’t become a dominant dynamic until WWII era. Prior to that going steady was seen as foolish, limiting. Goal was cast a broad net up until marriage.
5. Each of these evolutions in dating (from calling, to dating around, to going steady..) was seen as massive collapse of social structure and mores. Wiegel references a steady stream of NYT articles from the era lamenting the wayward nature of the times.
6. Going steady aka serial monogamy becomes increasingly common post WWII. We begin to see the modern outlines of dating one person at time, interspersed by celibacy, until against a ticking clock you find “the one”. Betty Friedman and the feminine mystique; this pattern isn’t working; lots of depression and unhappiness.
7. Hookup culture, compulsory carelessness. Steely hearts for the freelancing, mobile, young workforce. Class signaling, a game. Date for status and signal as much as for companionship.
Some good quotes on the absurdum
“Since we were children, we had heard that romantic love would be the most important thing that ever happened to us. Love was like a final grade: Whatever else we accomplished would be meaningless without it. We knew that we were supposed to find love by dating. But beyond that there were no clear rules. Nobody even seemed to know what dating was”
“If marriage is the long-term contract that many daters still hope to land, dating itself often feels like the worst, most precarious form of contemporary labor: an unpaid internship. You cannot be sure where things are heading, but you try to gain experience. If you look sharp, you might get a free lunch.”
“Then, as soon as she married, America about-faced. Not only should a young wife have sex, it told her, she should have lots of sex, and she should like it. If you do not like sex as much as your husband, your marriage will not be well-adjusted.”
November 15, 2019
An interesting look into how socialization rituals in American has been structured by trends in the capitalist economy and historical events that affected "supply" and "demand". The transactional nature of relationships is not a recent phenomenon, it's just the nature of the goods/services being exchanged has changed according to social mores. A particularly troubling aspect is that socialization in America and first-world western countries have been structured around the act of consuming products or services in order to stimulate the economy, whether through buying clothes or cosmetics or luxury items that signal status or "taste", or simply by the emphasis on "going out" or dining out together with friends on a weekend.
Everything outlined here reminds me of the soulless dystopia in Brave New World, where we go have substance-less fun to while away free time (so what? so we don't feel lame sitting at home?), and the culture that glorifies perpetual work (so we can fuel our consumption for expensive vacations to share photos on social media? or to afford to that house or make $$$? I get that retirement and healthcare cost money these days, but oftentimes the people whom I observe who are most obsessed about this come from fairly comfortable backgrounds, and often just want to make more money to afford more/nicer things out of want rather than need), and treating humans connections like shopping, with a cold eye on who/what can keep us happy while conducting a cost-benefit analysis. Perhaps there is an emptiness affecting many people today, and it is easier to just fill up the hole with the latest blockbusters, music, date, or some merry-go-round of "excitement" and professional accolades than to wonder what is at the heart of the disconnect.
With that, another shabbat begins in Jerusalem. The streets are quiet, everything is closed, and it is dark outside. No business transactions to be had to distract us. Socializing consists of either eating at home or taking walks through a darkened city, so you better pick your company carefully cuz their presence is all you're gonna get. Or just reading and enjoy the quietness at home. After New York City, this is wonderful.
Everything outlined here reminds me of the soulless dystopia in Brave New World, where we go have substance-less fun to while away free time (so what? so we don't feel lame sitting at home?), and the culture that glorifies perpetual work (so we can fuel our consumption for expensive vacations to share photos on social media? or to afford to that house or make $$$? I get that retirement and healthcare cost money these days, but oftentimes the people whom I observe who are most obsessed about this come from fairly comfortable backgrounds, and often just want to make more money to afford more/nicer things out of want rather than need), and treating humans connections like shopping, with a cold eye on who/what can keep us happy while conducting a cost-benefit analysis. Perhaps there is an emptiness affecting many people today, and it is easier to just fill up the hole with the latest blockbusters, music, date, or some merry-go-round of "excitement" and professional accolades than to wonder what is at the heart of the disconnect.
With that, another shabbat begins in Jerusalem. The streets are quiet, everything is closed, and it is dark outside. No business transactions to be had to distract us. Socializing consists of either eating at home or taking walks through a darkened city, so you better pick your company carefully cuz their presence is all you're gonna get. Or just reading and enjoy the quietness at home. After New York City, this is wonderful.
June 15, 2021
I'm giving this book 5 stars--which it *amply* deserves, but I must also front-load my review of this book by applauding it for what it is, and also commenting on what it is not.
This book is wonderfully insightful, elegantly frank, and eminently readable--it is exactly the book that straight, upper middle class white American women need to read. However, it is pretty much entirely silent on anyone who is not that. To be fair--Weigel addresses that in her introduction. She warns people that her book is about the American creation of the concept of dating--which is a societal construct that for many US Citizens is tied to the picturesque image of the 1950's--poodle skirts, class rings, letterman jackets, going steady, etc. Or perhaps with the supposed dating "struggles" Business Women (TM) of the 80's and 90's. Since mainstream media and culture are largely tied to the white identity, and it is mass-culture that created the concept of dating in the first place, Weigel openly admits that her book therefore will focus largely on white, middle class people. Yet, while her original point is true (that historically, "mainstream culture" in America has been aimed only at the creation of a white middle class ideal), it is untrue that these expectations and pressures don't affect other classes and kinds of people. Or to put it a different way--just because the idea of "dating" was created by, or aimed at straight white people, doesn't mean that not-straight, non-white people didn't play a role in creating societal norms around dating. A chapter devoted to some different categories of people, such as gay men, lesbian women, black women, other POC, and trans people would have made this book much more interesting and relevant to our times. Just focusing on lesbian literature and dating, for example, provides ample fodder for a discussion of the concept of dating--how does supposed lesbian "bed death" impact the concept of long-term relationships in lesbian love? What about the lack of legal marriage for all lesbian and gay people (and many transpeople up) until now--essentially forcing their relationships into a kind of perpetual "dating", affect these relationships? How does the "Labor of Love" change when it is two women who are dating--the historic and supposed "mismatch" between men and women's emotional and sexual roles in relationships are fundamentally changed by the couple in question being women. And there is ample source material--Lillian Faderman and Emma Donoghue have multiple books out about the historical relationships between women--"Chloe Plus Olivia" and "Inseparable: Desire Between Women in Literature" are two such books that focus exclusively on pop-cultural presentations of romantic love between women throughout the ages. Weigel does mention Angela Davis and bell hooks, and she does make small comments about queer, trans, and POC relationships but she doesn't delve deeply into these notions or experiences. That to me is a major failing of the book.
However, every book cannot be everything, and Weigels book is absolutely fantastic for what it is. This is not a serious academic work, nor is it trying to be. It is instead a thoughtful book in the genre that I call "pop non-fiction". One could perhaps argue that if Weigel had done all that I have suggested, it would have been impossible for her to remain a book aimed at the "average" reader, and would have begun to read more like a dissertation or an academic text. Weigel is in fact a PHD candidate at Yale, so it behooves me to point out that she is capable of writing a more academic book, and she chose not to. Therefore, the fact that her book is not an academic one is not a failing. Instead, I would say that it is an accomplishment. Weigel managed to write exactly the kind of book she was aiming to write, and therefore I think it is best to judge the book for what it is, and not what it is not--and what it is is amazing, fantastic, wonderful, insightful, and enjoyable.
I'm not sure I can even summarize this book in a way that does it justice. I can say that the first 8 chapters of this book provide contextual background information that allows the reader to understand the last two (plus the epilogue). These last 3 sections brilliantly illuminate and elucidate the role that cis women are expected to perform in relationships with men. Sure, the focus of the book is romantic relationships, yet the last chapters underscore the fact that, when it comes to male-female relations, the "work" is never done--even if you aren't sleeping with each other. I'm not a straight woman, so I don't exclusively date men. Yet I am a cis-woman in America, and therefore my life contains a literally never ending stream of men who require unpaid emotional labor from me. From male bosses, to coworkers, to friends, to friends-partners, to roommates, to random dudes on the street--I am required to be available to be called on by men at anytime, in any place, and in anyway, to assuage their egos, their fears, and their validate their ideas and identities.
The "Labor of Love" should basically be required reading for every white, straight American. Period. I can't give this book higher praise than that. Hands down, the best book I have read all year.
Note: I found this book by accident. I was reading an article somewhere that made use of the phrase "Prostitution Complex", and I was so fascinated by the phrase that I had to figure out what it meant and where it came from. Weigel is the originator of the term, and it refers to the fact that many young white, middle class, American women do not allow their dates to pay for them--that they are uncomfortable with the exchange of capital. As a former sex worker, who refuses to allow people I am dating to pay for me, I realized with a shock that I had been engaging with romantic relationships in a specific kind of way that I had been entirely unaware of. The refusal to accept money from my (frequently but not exclusively) male partners, *said* something about the way I viewed relationships and money. In regards to professional work, I have been adamant about the fact that I do not mix "business" with "pleasure"--that is, I do not attempt to get paid to do work that I "love". For me, I try not to confuse money and/or financial accomplishments with my sense of self. But the phrase "prostitution complex" was a rude awakening about some of the views I had about independence, value, obligation, and sexual identity. If Weigel can't make you think, no one can.
This book is wonderfully insightful, elegantly frank, and eminently readable--it is exactly the book that straight, upper middle class white American women need to read. However, it is pretty much entirely silent on anyone who is not that. To be fair--Weigel addresses that in her introduction. She warns people that her book is about the American creation of the concept of dating--which is a societal construct that for many US Citizens is tied to the picturesque image of the 1950's--poodle skirts, class rings, letterman jackets, going steady, etc. Or perhaps with the supposed dating "struggles" Business Women (TM) of the 80's and 90's. Since mainstream media and culture are largely tied to the white identity, and it is mass-culture that created the concept of dating in the first place, Weigel openly admits that her book therefore will focus largely on white, middle class people. Yet, while her original point is true (that historically, "mainstream culture" in America has been aimed only at the creation of a white middle class ideal), it is untrue that these expectations and pressures don't affect other classes and kinds of people. Or to put it a different way--just because the idea of "dating" was created by, or aimed at straight white people, doesn't mean that not-straight, non-white people didn't play a role in creating societal norms around dating. A chapter devoted to some different categories of people, such as gay men, lesbian women, black women, other POC, and trans people would have made this book much more interesting and relevant to our times. Just focusing on lesbian literature and dating, for example, provides ample fodder for a discussion of the concept of dating--how does supposed lesbian "bed death" impact the concept of long-term relationships in lesbian love? What about the lack of legal marriage for all lesbian and gay people (and many transpeople up) until now--essentially forcing their relationships into a kind of perpetual "dating", affect these relationships? How does the "Labor of Love" change when it is two women who are dating--the historic and supposed "mismatch" between men and women's emotional and sexual roles in relationships are fundamentally changed by the couple in question being women. And there is ample source material--Lillian Faderman and Emma Donoghue have multiple books out about the historical relationships between women--"Chloe Plus Olivia" and "Inseparable: Desire Between Women in Literature" are two such books that focus exclusively on pop-cultural presentations of romantic love between women throughout the ages. Weigel does mention Angela Davis and bell hooks, and she does make small comments about queer, trans, and POC relationships but she doesn't delve deeply into these notions or experiences. That to me is a major failing of the book.
However, every book cannot be everything, and Weigels book is absolutely fantastic for what it is. This is not a serious academic work, nor is it trying to be. It is instead a thoughtful book in the genre that I call "pop non-fiction". One could perhaps argue that if Weigel had done all that I have suggested, it would have been impossible for her to remain a book aimed at the "average" reader, and would have begun to read more like a dissertation or an academic text. Weigel is in fact a PHD candidate at Yale, so it behooves me to point out that she is capable of writing a more academic book, and she chose not to. Therefore, the fact that her book is not an academic one is not a failing. Instead, I would say that it is an accomplishment. Weigel managed to write exactly the kind of book she was aiming to write, and therefore I think it is best to judge the book for what it is, and not what it is not--and what it is is amazing, fantastic, wonderful, insightful, and enjoyable.
I'm not sure I can even summarize this book in a way that does it justice. I can say that the first 8 chapters of this book provide contextual background information that allows the reader to understand the last two (plus the epilogue). These last 3 sections brilliantly illuminate and elucidate the role that cis women are expected to perform in relationships with men. Sure, the focus of the book is romantic relationships, yet the last chapters underscore the fact that, when it comes to male-female relations, the "work" is never done--even if you aren't sleeping with each other. I'm not a straight woman, so I don't exclusively date men. Yet I am a cis-woman in America, and therefore my life contains a literally never ending stream of men who require unpaid emotional labor from me. From male bosses, to coworkers, to friends, to friends-partners, to roommates, to random dudes on the street--I am required to be available to be called on by men at anytime, in any place, and in anyway, to assuage their egos, their fears, and their validate their ideas and identities.
The "Labor of Love" should basically be required reading for every white, straight American. Period. I can't give this book higher praise than that. Hands down, the best book I have read all year.
Note: I found this book by accident. I was reading an article somewhere that made use of the phrase "Prostitution Complex", and I was so fascinated by the phrase that I had to figure out what it meant and where it came from. Weigel is the originator of the term, and it refers to the fact that many young white, middle class, American women do not allow their dates to pay for them--that they are uncomfortable with the exchange of capital. As a former sex worker, who refuses to allow people I am dating to pay for me, I realized with a shock that I had been engaging with romantic relationships in a specific kind of way that I had been entirely unaware of. The refusal to accept money from my (frequently but not exclusively) male partners, *said* something about the way I viewed relationships and money. In regards to professional work, I have been adamant about the fact that I do not mix "business" with "pleasure"--that is, I do not attempt to get paid to do work that I "love". For me, I try not to confuse money and/or financial accomplishments with my sense of self. But the phrase "prostitution complex" was a rude awakening about some of the views I had about independence, value, obligation, and sexual identity. If Weigel can't make you think, no one can.
June 16, 2018
Very interesting, though not quite what I expected: it's more about labor than about love, and I somehow expected the reverse. As soon as I thought about it, I realized that was unrealistic: love is harder to quantify, analyze and document than labor. And Weigel really is committed to understanding courtship as labor--she even quotes Karl Marx and applies his ideas to relationships in the final chapter.
I enjoyed Weigel's wit, as when she noted that yuppies "may have been the first elite in human history to boast, as a mark of their status, that they could not afford a moment's leisure." I also appreciated the larger political argument she is making: "The fiction that men and women who desire sexual and romantic relations are hardwired to want opposing things is not good for anyone."
One error quite irritated me: Weigel writes that "In 1980, there were five television nets in the United States, and the big four, ABC, CBS, FOX, and NBC, commanded 90 percent of the attention of TV viewers." But FOX wasn't created until October 1986. How did fact-checkers miss this one? It's not arcane.
I recommend this for anyone interested in understanding contemporary courtship in North America.
I enjoyed Weigel's wit, as when she noted that yuppies "may have been the first elite in human history to boast, as a mark of their status, that they could not afford a moment's leisure." I also appreciated the larger political argument she is making: "The fiction that men and women who desire sexual and romantic relations are hardwired to want opposing things is not good for anyone."
One error quite irritated me: Weigel writes that "In 1980, there were five television nets in the United States, and the big four, ABC, CBS, FOX, and NBC, commanded 90 percent of the attention of TV viewers." But FOX wasn't created until October 1986. How did fact-checkers miss this one? It's not arcane.
I recommend this for anyone interested in understanding contemporary courtship in North America.
December 3, 2019
I really enjoy books like this, that look at a societal generalization and say, "Well, let's look at history and see what's what." In this case, the generalization is "dating is dead," and the author explores the history of dating, beginning around 1900 when the word began to be used to mean "men and women going out together" all the way through contemporary time. She shows that each generation since then has had a slightly different approach to what it meant to date, and that as the new generation changed the rules the previous one gasped, clutched at their pearls, and believed the changes were wrong, bad, would lead to terrible things, etc.
There were a few times in the book where Weigel's logic seemed a bit strained, or she seemed to wander off on what seemed like a tangent and never seemed to circle back to her point. There were also a couple of times when she made somewhat global statements that I would have liked her to elaborate on. But overall I found the book readable and very interesting. I took some notes of the books she used for sources and will likely be delving more into some of the issues she discussed.
There were a few times in the book where Weigel's logic seemed a bit strained, or she seemed to wander off on what seemed like a tangent and never seemed to circle back to her point. There were also a couple of times when she made somewhat global statements that I would have liked her to elaborate on. But overall I found the book readable and very interesting. I took some notes of the books she used for sources and will likely be delving more into some of the issues she discussed.
July 7, 2019
Tomé esta libro por la iniciativa de querer conformar un club de lectura en torno a este tema, donde cada ser humano tiene algo que contar: el amor. Y pensando que sería una lógica de autoayuda de como trabajar el amor (en cualquiera de sus vertientes), me encontré con una entretenido ensayo histórico de las etapas que suceden al amor, producto de las revoluciones culturales, tecnológicas y económicas que hemos experimentado a través del siglo XX. En un lenguaje directo y entretenido, esta doctora en literatura, realiza un análisis sociológico por donde empieza a fraguarse la lógica de querer tener parejas, de buscar candidatos y candidatas para intentar conformar una vida en compañía. Con un dejo de marxismo, imprime a este libro datos y conocimientos que no tomamos en cuanta a la hora de hablar de amor: tiempo invertido, dinero, espacios y construcciones mentales que se crean cuándo creemos estar enamorados. Una lectura muy interesante y que sirve como tópico para la conversación más antigua de nuestros relatos: el amor.
January 21, 2023
what a great read! weigel expertly uncovers how dating has changed throughout american history, while noting the many ways it hasn't really changed at all—due to the patriarchy and capitalism. citing numerous historical examples, weigel examines how the emotional labor that dating requires has disproportionately fallen on women, leaving them exploited in the process.
in the afterword, weigel notes that many of the things that make dating so miserable today are rooted in systemic issues and in order to improve the way we date, we need to organize to dismantle systems of oppression. she goes on to note that if we steered away from the self-criticism that is inherent in contemporary dating advice and instead directed our attention towards creating a better world, we could pursue romantic love in a way that actually centers vulnerability and openness.
i do wish weigel covered the dynamics between people of color and LGBT folks a bit more, but i still found value in her analysis of white heterosexual dynamics.
in the afterword, weigel notes that many of the things that make dating so miserable today are rooted in systemic issues and in order to improve the way we date, we need to organize to dismantle systems of oppression. she goes on to note that if we steered away from the self-criticism that is inherent in contemporary dating advice and instead directed our attention towards creating a better world, we could pursue romantic love in a way that actually centers vulnerability and openness.
i do wish weigel covered the dynamics between people of color and LGBT folks a bit more, but i still found value in her analysis of white heterosexual dynamics.
April 16, 2017
Een goed geschreven, grappige en kritische geschiedenis van daten in de Verenigde Staten. Weigel verbindt deze aan het kapitalisme en de opkomst van de vrijemarkteconomie in de twintigste en eenentwintigste eeuw. Ze doet daarbij geen wereldschokkende ontdekkingen - datingsites of -bureaus willen niet dat je een partner vindt want dan zijn ze hun klanten kwijt - maar haar boek is een mooie synthese van geschiedenis, sociologie, populaire cultuur en activisme. Dat maakt het boek ook wat oppervlakkig; af en toe wijzen scherpe opmerkingen in de richting van waar de liefde op werkelijk kapitalistische gronden opereert ('a date was recreation in its most literal sense: a kind of fun that was supposed to recreate the workforce'), maar die opmerkingen worden niet verder door-gedacht. Wel een dikke pluim voor de aandacht voor al die verschillende 'onderdrukten van het systeem' - naast homoseksuelen, sekswerkers en vrouwen in het algemeen ('dating [is] work for women and recreation for men') ook specifiek de arme, immigrantenvrouw die met haar zorgwerk de carrières van witte vrouwen mogelijk heeft gemaakt. Daten blijkt een prima kapstok om verschillende verhalen van - al dan niet geslaagde - emancipatiebewegingen te vertellen.
May 14, 2020
This is a tricky one. I loved the first few chapters on the history of dating, but there's something slightly off about the last few chapters, about the more modern stuff. The writer is obviously trying to point out how much pressure we put on dating, but in a way that just makes the whole thing seem more stressful, not less.
For instance, her chapter about the pressure on women when it comes to the 'biological clock' doesn't do anything to dispel the idea that you need to have a child before a certain age as a woman, instead it just kindly tells you that you forgot to worry about men's sperm quality going down too.
So yes, the first few chapters were great, the rest I wouldn't recommend reading unless you're already happily married with no intention of ever going back into the dating scene.
For instance, her chapter about the pressure on women when it comes to the 'biological clock' doesn't do anything to dispel the idea that you need to have a child before a certain age as a woman, instead it just kindly tells you that you forgot to worry about men's sperm quality going down too.
So yes, the first few chapters were great, the rest I wouldn't recommend reading unless you're already happily married with no intention of ever going back into the dating scene.
January 17, 2019
I found the concept really fascinating, it was well researched and provided explanations for why the dating world is like it is, the historical context was both important to the narrative and interesting to follow along with. While it mostly centers in the America it’s safe to say “western culture” is mostly dictated by them, currently, so it’s interesting to compare to how your own country’s dating culture has evolved and adapted as well.
June 20, 2023
Very insightful and taught me a new way to look at dating and how our society influences our choices. This book contains a lot of hard truths to accept. This is for the curious, those that find human behavior fascinating. There are no quick tips for successful courtship but it will at least ease your worries and frustrations with the current state of companionship. Labor of Love is definitely heavily reliant on its epoch so it'll well have to be updated eventually with new examples. Nevertheless I really enjoy this book cause I'm a hopeful romantic.
dnf
October 17, 2021if /anyone/ is desperately interested in understanding the historical and social roots of dating, it’s me — but this book was so painfully boring, I couldn’t finish this time. I know sociology a lot of the time is saying stuff we already know and teasing that out, talking about why and how — but it just felt very repetitive
December 17, 2024
Si está bueno! No es el típico self help, te da contexto de todo el mundo del dating y como ha ido evolucionando a través de las generaciones. Interesante pero estoy 100% de acuerdo en todos sus puntos de vista. 3/5
August 12, 2017
I loved this right up until the modern dating portion. Maybe it hit too close to home?
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