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Courtship in Crisis: The Case for Traditional Dating
The Experiment Failed
In the 1990s, a huge movement swept through America. Millions of young people stopped dating and embraced something new called “courtship” which promised to usher singles into marriage while avoiding the dangers of dating. It sounded wonderful.
The problem? It didn’t work.
The resulting singleness epidemic left a generation with broken hearts and little hope.
There’s Another Way
In Courtship In Crisis, Thomas Umstattd Jr. explains where the courtship crisis came from, and why it failed. More importantly, he lays out an alternative model that works.
"Courtship in Crisis is a well-reasoned, Spirit-infused breath of fresh air for anyone wanting to re-think their dating habits.”
-- Mary DeMuth, author of The Wall Around Your Heart
Thomas Umstattd Jr. is the former head of PracticalCourtship.com and co-founder of the Austin Rhetoric Club, a homeschool speech and debate club in Austin, Texas. He is an international speaker and CEO of Castle Media Group, LLC. Thomas sits on the board of directors for several nonprofits, including the Texas Alliance for Life.
In the 1990s, a huge movement swept through America. Millions of young people stopped dating and embraced something new called “courtship” which promised to usher singles into marriage while avoiding the dangers of dating. It sounded wonderful.
The problem? It didn’t work.
The resulting singleness epidemic left a generation with broken hearts and little hope.
There’s Another Way
In Courtship In Crisis, Thomas Umstattd Jr. explains where the courtship crisis came from, and why it failed. More importantly, he lays out an alternative model that works.
"Courtship in Crisis is a well-reasoned, Spirit-infused breath of fresh air for anyone wanting to re-think their dating habits.”
-- Mary DeMuth, author of The Wall Around Your Heart
Thomas Umstattd Jr. is the former head of PracticalCourtship.com and co-founder of the Austin Rhetoric Club, a homeschool speech and debate club in Austin, Texas. He is an international speaker and CEO of Castle Media Group, LLC. Thomas sits on the board of directors for several nonprofits, including the Texas Alliance for Life.
207 pages, Paperback
First published August 1, 2015
25 people are currently reading
434 people want to read
About the author
Thomas Umstattd Jr.
1 book81 followersThomas Umstattd Jr. is the founder of Author Media and the host of the Novel Marketing Podcast, the longest running book marketing podcast in the world. He also hosts Author Update, and the Christian Publishing Show. Thomas helps authors build their platforms, sell more books, and change the world with writing worth talking about.
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August 18, 2020
"I grew up as a member of the homeschool community back when we still hid from the cops and got our textbooks from public school dumpsters." Oh hey, me too.
Actually, I was probably about 4 years behind those kids. But close enough.
My Mom recently finished 21 years of homeschooling. To celebrate, she made my siblings and I move all the homeschool books from the basement to Goodwill. We stumbled on quite a few books by Leslie Ludy and Joshua Harris while we were at. And I was shocked to discover my youngest siblings had never heard of either of them.
I couldn't believe only 6-8 years separated our homeschool experiences. How could they not know about courting? It was one of the defining movements of an entire generation of homeschoolers. And then it finally imploded.
In some ways, this book has a very narrow audience. Like, homeschooled Millenials who grew up in a tiny evangelical church kind of narrow. I'm sure there are exceptions. You can find a copy of I Kissed Dating Goodbye: A New Attitude Toward Relationships and Romance just about anywhere. But I feel like those people got hit the hardest.
I know I did. I fell in love with the idea of courtship in high school. And so did my friends. We wore our purity rings proudly, vowed to save our first kiss for marriage, and avoided all eye-contact with the male sex. (Kidding, but also...)
Well, if you want all the ways courtship went wrong, you can read this book. I, thankfully, knew I wanted to be a lawyer at age 6 so my career-mindedness kept me distracted. But for my friends who viewed marriage as their end goal in life, the result was usually heart break or loneliness. Because what seemed right at 14 suddenly became unsustainable at 24. And at 34? Unthinkable.
For those people, even for myself, Part 1 of this book provides significant value. It is a way of saying, 'yes, that culture we all lived and breathed and thought Gospel truth? That was unhealthy. But it is okay. You're not alone. Let's process through it. And for Pete's sake get off your rump and go on a date.'
Unfortunately, Parts 2 and 3 backpedaled fairly fast. And then actually kind of crashed and burned. But I appreciate the intent!
The problem is twofold: audience and tone.
First, I really don't know who the audience for this book is. I called it narrow. From a 'you too? I thought I was the only one' perspective, it is. See point about homeschooled Millenials. We're the ones who bought Josh Harris's book, the ones who tried to find our future spouse by following careful rules of courtship, and for the most part, we're the ones who finally said 'screw this' and left.
But Millenials are now 24-39. Which means, I guess, when this book was published, they were 19-34. In either case, it makes no sense that all the examples are aimed at middle and high schoolers.
It does Millenials no good to be told they should have 'dated casually' in middle school, gotten more serious only when wrapping up high school, and married once in college. 'Cause guess what? That train done left.
Which leads to the other alternative. The book must be written for Christians currently in high school...middle school...grade school? Parents of middle schoolers? But if that is the case, all the history of courtship and how it messed people up really doesn't mean much. Take my siblings—they'd never even heard of Josh Harris! It isn't a matter of warning them not to make the same mistakes. They didn't even know those mistakes were there to be made. Homeschooling looks a lot different now than it did even a decade ago. Not that they won't find legalism as tempting, but the framing of this book just won't connect with them. And the ones who it will connect with are at a different stage in life. You can tell me to date around and find the kind of guy that I like, but at the same time, I'm 27 and pretty set in my likes and dislikes. I don't need to "go out" with an outdoorsy type to know that I dislike hiking. (Incidentally, the only mention this book makes of prolonged singleness is to say that if you stay single, you will have your own baggage, but I'm going to leave that statement untouched because there is plenty else to find irritating.)
Because even if somehow this book did apply, the tone of this book is extremely naïve.
There is one point where the author gives the hypothetical example of a young woman who lives at home, attends a church with no available guys her age, and nannies (so 'the only single men she meets at work wear diapers.') If stuck on "courting" the author argues, she will never find someone. But if she simply decides she will go on dates, why, there will be guys lined up around the block! All her acquaintances will look about to set her up with someone. Wallah!
Um, no. That's not how this works.
In fact, despite undeveloped hints about courtship creating a gender imbalance, the author seems extremely unaware of how hard it would be for that hypothetical young woman to find someone, regardless of whether she 'loosens up' and is willing to date.
He claims both guys and girls complain that all the "good" Christian girls/guys are unavailable. And then implies that all this time, they just need to look across the aisle! In fact, he follows this claim up with a story about girl who decides to sit with the guys at her youth group (again with the high school analogies!) instead of self-segregating with the girls on the other side of the room and suddenly finds herself with lots of guy friends. (And presumably, dates.) All it took was walking across the room.
Yeah, you tell me how that works for the girl with no available men at her church. I'm not saying having a conversation with a guy won't help. I am saying that to treat the number of single women in the church today as simply socially awkward high schoolers is both misleading and frustrating.
But it gets worse. Because after making a pitch for dating and encouraging guys to feel confident asking a girl out for coffee, the author then goes on to explain about girls:
"Men aren't the only ones facing a confidence crisis. While every woman is unique, there are some things that many women have in common. For instance, many women need to know that they're beautiful. When a woman goes a long time without hearing how pretty she is, she can think she's unattractive. The less attractive a woman feels, the less she smiles and the less she takes care of herself. This can create a vicious cycle that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, since men are typically more attracted to women who smile and take care of themselves."
Um, excuse you? My self-confidence has nothing to do with whether some random guy tells me I'm beautiful. And frankly, I hope guys know better than to seek a woman dependent on their compliments for self-worth.
But actually, I think that example pretty well epitomizes why this book falls so flat. Because while it rightly addresses the harm of dating and courting and tries to offer some Goldilocks 'just right' solution between the two, it still treats relationships as the end-all, be-all of Christian identity. And guess what, it is not.
We might have marriage-crisis in the church. And courting might have played a big role for some people in scaring them off from marriage. Some guys might need the kick in the pants to ask a girl out; some girls might need to be reminded to make eye-contact every once in a while; some Dads might need to take a serious chill pill. And we all sometimes need a reminder to breathe and not be so intense.
But our identity doesn't come from being in a relationship. It doesn't come from dating, courting, or staying single. It comes from God. And until that is the fact we live by, no "system" (no matter how practical) for finding a spouse will work.
Oh, also, if you just want a short version of this book, read the article that inspired it instead.
Actually, I was probably about 4 years behind those kids. But close enough.
My Mom recently finished 21 years of homeschooling. To celebrate, she made my siblings and I move all the homeschool books from the basement to Goodwill. We stumbled on quite a few books by Leslie Ludy and Joshua Harris while we were at. And I was shocked to discover my youngest siblings had never heard of either of them.
I couldn't believe only 6-8 years separated our homeschool experiences. How could they not know about courting? It was one of the defining movements of an entire generation of homeschoolers. And then it finally imploded.
In some ways, this book has a very narrow audience. Like, homeschooled Millenials who grew up in a tiny evangelical church kind of narrow. I'm sure there are exceptions. You can find a copy of I Kissed Dating Goodbye: A New Attitude Toward Relationships and Romance just about anywhere. But I feel like those people got hit the hardest.
I know I did. I fell in love with the idea of courtship in high school. And so did my friends. We wore our purity rings proudly, vowed to save our first kiss for marriage, and avoided all eye-contact with the male sex. (Kidding, but also...)
Well, if you want all the ways courtship went wrong, you can read this book. I, thankfully, knew I wanted to be a lawyer at age 6 so my career-mindedness kept me distracted. But for my friends who viewed marriage as their end goal in life, the result was usually heart break or loneliness. Because what seemed right at 14 suddenly became unsustainable at 24. And at 34? Unthinkable.
For those people, even for myself, Part 1 of this book provides significant value. It is a way of saying, 'yes, that culture we all lived and breathed and thought Gospel truth? That was unhealthy. But it is okay. You're not alone. Let's process through it. And for Pete's sake get off your rump and go on a date.'
Unfortunately, Parts 2 and 3 backpedaled fairly fast. And then actually kind of crashed and burned. But I appreciate the intent!
The problem is twofold: audience and tone.
First, I really don't know who the audience for this book is. I called it narrow. From a 'you too? I thought I was the only one' perspective, it is. See point about homeschooled Millenials. We're the ones who bought Josh Harris's book, the ones who tried to find our future spouse by following careful rules of courtship, and for the most part, we're the ones who finally said 'screw this' and left.
But Millenials are now 24-39. Which means, I guess, when this book was published, they were 19-34. In either case, it makes no sense that all the examples are aimed at middle and high schoolers.
It does Millenials no good to be told they should have 'dated casually' in middle school, gotten more serious only when wrapping up high school, and married once in college. 'Cause guess what? That train done left.
Which leads to the other alternative. The book must be written for Christians currently in high school...middle school...grade school? Parents of middle schoolers? But if that is the case, all the history of courtship and how it messed people up really doesn't mean much. Take my siblings—they'd never even heard of Josh Harris! It isn't a matter of warning them not to make the same mistakes. They didn't even know those mistakes were there to be made. Homeschooling looks a lot different now than it did even a decade ago. Not that they won't find legalism as tempting, but the framing of this book just won't connect with them. And the ones who it will connect with are at a different stage in life. You can tell me to date around and find the kind of guy that I like, but at the same time, I'm 27 and pretty set in my likes and dislikes. I don't need to "go out" with an outdoorsy type to know that I dislike hiking. (Incidentally, the only mention this book makes of prolonged singleness is to say that if you stay single, you will have your own baggage, but I'm going to leave that statement untouched because there is plenty else to find irritating.)
Because even if somehow this book did apply, the tone of this book is extremely naïve.
There is one point where the author gives the hypothetical example of a young woman who lives at home, attends a church with no available guys her age, and nannies (so 'the only single men she meets at work wear diapers.') If stuck on "courting" the author argues, she will never find someone. But if she simply decides she will go on dates, why, there will be guys lined up around the block! All her acquaintances will look about to set her up with someone. Wallah!
Um, no. That's not how this works.
In fact, despite undeveloped hints about courtship creating a gender imbalance, the author seems extremely unaware of how hard it would be for that hypothetical young woman to find someone, regardless of whether she 'loosens up' and is willing to date.
He claims both guys and girls complain that all the "good" Christian girls/guys are unavailable. And then implies that all this time, they just need to look across the aisle! In fact, he follows this claim up with a story about girl who decides to sit with the guys at her youth group (again with the high school analogies!) instead of self-segregating with the girls on the other side of the room and suddenly finds herself with lots of guy friends. (And presumably, dates.) All it took was walking across the room.
Yeah, you tell me how that works for the girl with no available men at her church. I'm not saying having a conversation with a guy won't help. I am saying that to treat the number of single women in the church today as simply socially awkward high schoolers is both misleading and frustrating.
But it gets worse. Because after making a pitch for dating and encouraging guys to feel confident asking a girl out for coffee, the author then goes on to explain about girls:
"Men aren't the only ones facing a confidence crisis. While every woman is unique, there are some things that many women have in common. For instance, many women need to know that they're beautiful. When a woman goes a long time without hearing how pretty she is, she can think she's unattractive. The less attractive a woman feels, the less she smiles and the less she takes care of herself. This can create a vicious cycle that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, since men are typically more attracted to women who smile and take care of themselves."
Um, excuse you? My self-confidence has nothing to do with whether some random guy tells me I'm beautiful. And frankly, I hope guys know better than to seek a woman dependent on their compliments for self-worth.
But actually, I think that example pretty well epitomizes why this book falls so flat. Because while it rightly addresses the harm of dating and courting and tries to offer some Goldilocks 'just right' solution between the two, it still treats relationships as the end-all, be-all of Christian identity. And guess what, it is not.
We might have marriage-crisis in the church. And courting might have played a big role for some people in scaring them off from marriage. Some guys might need the kick in the pants to ask a girl out; some girls might need to be reminded to make eye-contact every once in a while; some Dads might need to take a serious chill pill. And we all sometimes need a reminder to breathe and not be so intense.
But our identity doesn't come from being in a relationship. It doesn't come from dating, courting, or staying single. It comes from God. And until that is the fact we live by, no "system" (no matter how practical) for finding a spouse will work.
Oh, also, if you just want a short version of this book, read the article that inspired it instead.
June 10, 2020
This may not be a popular review for some people, but let me start here: I was raised in the courtship mindset, I have two siblings who did a more-or-less strict courtship and three who did a hybrid courtship/dating (our views on “how a couple should get to know each other” has loosened up as years have passed). Yes, they’re all five happily married, going through your typical newlywed struggles but still happy.
My dad and the dads of my siblings-in-law are not helicopter dads, they weren’t seeing every young man as a dragon to slay. So in that sense, I will say that our parents are more open minded than some courtship parents I know and as were described in this book.
I have observed a lot of courting and dating couples (as in, I’ve attended well over thirty weddings) and I have discussed the Modern Courtship model in great detail with several friends. I’ve seen it’s flaws to the point where I don’t even like to use the term “courtship” anymore because of the strict rules it implicates. I used to be a very strict, “guard your heart” (and don’t even dare to let that guy think you find him attractive) teen. And yes, I’ve realized the freedom of following the Spirit rather than rules as I’ve lived through my twenties, and it is freeing. Follow God. Don’t follow the rules. Follow God!!!!
Now that’s out of the way, the book (this review isn’t a personal essay... really!).
I thought Thomas did a great job explaining the history of marriage, dating, and courtship. He did his best to define Traditional Dating, Modern Dating, and Modern Courtship (it is impossible to have one exact pattern in each case). I will have to say I fully agree with his point: since we’re seeing so many older Christian singles out there not marrying (which is God’s plan for most Christians), something is wrong with the courtship model. I appreciate that he offers an alternative... even though I’m not 100% on board with all of his suggestions. I do not fully agree with all points, but it gave me good food for thought. His alternative is not just “ditch courtship, forget rules.” He very clearly uses Scripture to point out how we are to stay pure, holy, walk uprightly, and honor God.
He pointed out how rules in courtship often stem from fear (fear of divorce, fear of heartbreak, fear of premarital intimacy) and that there is no freedom to follow God. Biblical principles should never be violated, but man-made laws on top of those principles are too heavy for us to bear.
He did paint a picture of courtship that involved overbearing fathers. I can’t say that is unfair to the courtship circle because it is sadly true in many circles. But I do think that one can have a God-honoring and not rule-following relationship that is a hybrid between even Traditional Dating and Modern Courtship. Just because a family chooses courtship does not mean they are not following God.
Some people could take this book and say he discourages parental involvement, but that would be unfair to him, because he very clearly defined how parents are to be counselors—just not dictators.
There did seem to be a little bit of a pendulum swing as to when to follow God and when to go with your gut and “just say yes” to a date (as in, it seemed he hinted at some people over-spiritualizing their dating process). He didn’t say to NOT follow God. There were just a few times when it was more focused on “get out there and do it.”
All-in-all, I found this a good read. It may have a slight bias against courtship, but I freely admit that I do too. I don’t agree with every word in here, but it is well written and the facts are evenly presented and a solution given. It gives good for thought and I think that people who are considering a strict courtship model for their kids should read it just to get a perspective from a balanced “other side.”
If you’re a teen, ask your parents to read the book. If you’re in your twenties, I think you should read the book for yourself. Yes, he does mention s** and how God intends it to be biblically beautiful, but by the time you’re in your late teens/early twenties, you naturally know about it, because it’s a God-given desire (to be reserved for marriage).
For a glimpse of the backbone of this book, look up: “Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed” on ThomasUmstattd.com. He explains his thoughts in more detail in the book, obviously, but it gives at least a glimpse.
https://www.thomasumstattd.com/2014/0...
My dad and the dads of my siblings-in-law are not helicopter dads, they weren’t seeing every young man as a dragon to slay. So in that sense, I will say that our parents are more open minded than some courtship parents I know and as were described in this book.
I have observed a lot of courting and dating couples (as in, I’ve attended well over thirty weddings) and I have discussed the Modern Courtship model in great detail with several friends. I’ve seen it’s flaws to the point where I don’t even like to use the term “courtship” anymore because of the strict rules it implicates. I used to be a very strict, “guard your heart” (and don’t even dare to let that guy think you find him attractive) teen. And yes, I’ve realized the freedom of following the Spirit rather than rules as I’ve lived through my twenties, and it is freeing. Follow God. Don’t follow the rules. Follow God!!!!
Now that’s out of the way, the book (this review isn’t a personal essay... really!).
I thought Thomas did a great job explaining the history of marriage, dating, and courtship. He did his best to define Traditional Dating, Modern Dating, and Modern Courtship (it is impossible to have one exact pattern in each case). I will have to say I fully agree with his point: since we’re seeing so many older Christian singles out there not marrying (which is God’s plan for most Christians), something is wrong with the courtship model. I appreciate that he offers an alternative... even though I’m not 100% on board with all of his suggestions. I do not fully agree with all points, but it gave me good food for thought. His alternative is not just “ditch courtship, forget rules.” He very clearly uses Scripture to point out how we are to stay pure, holy, walk uprightly, and honor God.
He pointed out how rules in courtship often stem from fear (fear of divorce, fear of heartbreak, fear of premarital intimacy) and that there is no freedom to follow God. Biblical principles should never be violated, but man-made laws on top of those principles are too heavy for us to bear.
He did paint a picture of courtship that involved overbearing fathers. I can’t say that is unfair to the courtship circle because it is sadly true in many circles. But I do think that one can have a God-honoring and not rule-following relationship that is a hybrid between even Traditional Dating and Modern Courtship. Just because a family chooses courtship does not mean they are not following God.
Some people could take this book and say he discourages parental involvement, but that would be unfair to him, because he very clearly defined how parents are to be counselors—just not dictators.
There did seem to be a little bit of a pendulum swing as to when to follow God and when to go with your gut and “just say yes” to a date (as in, it seemed he hinted at some people over-spiritualizing their dating process). He didn’t say to NOT follow God. There were just a few times when it was more focused on “get out there and do it.”
All-in-all, I found this a good read. It may have a slight bias against courtship, but I freely admit that I do too. I don’t agree with every word in here, but it is well written and the facts are evenly presented and a solution given. It gives good for thought and I think that people who are considering a strict courtship model for their kids should read it just to get a perspective from a balanced “other side.”
If you’re a teen, ask your parents to read the book. If you’re in your twenties, I think you should read the book for yourself. Yes, he does mention s** and how God intends it to be biblically beautiful, but by the time you’re in your late teens/early twenties, you naturally know about it, because it’s a God-given desire (to be reserved for marriage).
For a glimpse of the backbone of this book, look up: “Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed” on ThomasUmstattd.com. He explains his thoughts in more detail in the book, obviously, but it gives at least a glimpse.
https://www.thomasumstattd.com/2014/0...
December 21, 2015
When I first read the blog post, "How Courtship Is Fundamentally Flawed", it was like a lightbulb turned on in my head. I am happily married now, but through my teenage years I remember being puzzled at why I was never asked out much, and I was frustrated by the passivity of the Christian guys in my circles. I never associated the rarity of going on an actual date with Modern Courtship, but this book explains how that model of finding a spouse actually leads to less interaction with the opposite sex, and ultimately, less marriages. There are no studies on this topic as of yet, since the courtship mindset is so hard to pin down and courtship itself is hard to define, but after reading this book and reflecting on my personal experiences, it is easy to see how Modern Courtship has backfired by adding too much commitment to relationships, too soon. The courtship movement came on the scene in response to Modern Dating, which also makes relationships too involved too soon by bringing physical intimacy into the dating relationship. This book to proposes a third model, Traditional Dating, and explains what that is, and why it worked for so many couples in the 40's and 50's when it was most popular. Traditional Dating encourages young people to delay "going steady" in order to date multiple people and determine what kind of person is the best match. It keeps things light because dating multiple people comes with built-in safeguards against getting too serious with one person too fast. And bonus - Traditional Dating is a lot of fun, without the physical or emotional pressure that comes with Modern Dating or Courtship! After reading this book, I think I will definitely be encouraging my kids toward Traditional Dating as they reach their teenage years, and I sincerely hope it catches on - this is the kind of innocent dating fun that I wished for when I was a teenager. I highly recommend this book to any parents who are looking ahead to how they want to handle their children's romantic interests in the teenage years.
I received a copy of this book for free on NoiseTrade.
I received a copy of this book for free on NoiseTrade.
May 14, 2022
4.5⭐️
What a book. Thomas deals with ideas and concerns I’ve wrestled with for years and highlights others I hadn’t even thought of. Do I agree with every point? No. But there is much wisdom to be gleaned from these pages. I have so many highlights in my kindle version that I need a hardback copy to markup and write in the margins. ;)
I could write a long drawn out review of my thoughts, but I’m not going to. I’m just going to say that I appreciate how Thomas doesn’t bash courtship and recognises that it does work for some people. Instead, he raises logical points and points back to history’s examples and the Bible’s principles.
When it comes down to it, we need to be more concerned about conducting ourselves in a God-honouring way than in keeping a list of man-made rules of conduct.
This isn’t a book for everyone. However, I found it to be a helpful, thoughtful look at the topic, and definitely plan on reading it again!
What a book. Thomas deals with ideas and concerns I’ve wrestled with for years and highlights others I hadn’t even thought of. Do I agree with every point? No. But there is much wisdom to be gleaned from these pages. I have so many highlights in my kindle version that I need a hardback copy to markup and write in the margins. ;)
I could write a long drawn out review of my thoughts, but I’m not going to. I’m just going to say that I appreciate how Thomas doesn’t bash courtship and recognises that it does work for some people. Instead, he raises logical points and points back to history’s examples and the Bible’s principles.
When it comes down to it, we need to be more concerned about conducting ourselves in a God-honouring way than in keeping a list of man-made rules of conduct.
This isn’t a book for everyone. However, I found it to be a helpful, thoughtful look at the topic, and definitely plan on reading it again!
July 22, 2018
I've had a few misgivings about courtship ever since I first heard about it so I was interested in what Umstattd had to say. Originally he was a catalyst for the movement but has now done a complete about-face. He writes about the damage done by the various emphases of the movement and offers a healthier model for dating. This book is meant to help the thousands who followed all the courtship rules and ended up still single or unhappily married.
If you are NOT one of those people, I would suggest that you skip this book and read a very succinct article by Tim Challies on the subject. He summed it up well here: https://www.challies.com/articles/the...
If you are NOT one of those people, I would suggest that you skip this book and read a very succinct article by Tim Challies on the subject. He summed it up well here: https://www.challies.com/articles/the...
August 17, 2015
To say this topic is a highly sensitive one, would be putting it mildly. When Thomas posted his article on his blog addressing some issues he saw with the modern method of courtship, he poked a bear.
Thomas is a well-educated, godly man that without malice has addressed a topic that needed to be brought to our attention.
The one greatly misunderstood item on the agenda when this is discussed is that Thomas is promoting modern dating, lack of parental involvement, and rebellion among other things. This could not be further from the truth.
This book is well thought out. Each chapter was carefully prayed over and gone over by people that are from a variety of backgrounds and experiences.
I would encourage you, even if you have had wonderful experiences with courtship and love it, to read this book, especially before you discuss it.
My own courtship experience was less than ideal, and I know many others with similar experiences. But on the flip side, modern dating holds all the drawbacks that it always did. When courtship came on the scene with “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, there were good reasons for that. However, the pendulum swung broadly and the other side of that has not been good for all those involved. This book brings some of those flaws to light and offers a guide for young people and their parents to find a healthier way for relationships to be formed.
Mr. Umstattd does not claim to have all the answers or put down all other methods. The book is laid out in an easy to read format, which teens or busy parents will find not hard to read a chapter and discuss. This book is well thought out, relatable, and so important for us to weigh and consider.
As the mother of three teenage sons, I found it very thought provoking. I would love to see this offered as a discussion group with parents and teens in local churches, homeschool groups and other places. I highly recommend this book to be read by all, even those that believe they oppose this. I believe you will be pleasantly surprised by the godliness shown forth in this book. I would not be surprised if it will make your beliefs stronger in the Lord.
Thomas is a well-educated, godly man that without malice has addressed a topic that needed to be brought to our attention.
The one greatly misunderstood item on the agenda when this is discussed is that Thomas is promoting modern dating, lack of parental involvement, and rebellion among other things. This could not be further from the truth.
This book is well thought out. Each chapter was carefully prayed over and gone over by people that are from a variety of backgrounds and experiences.
I would encourage you, even if you have had wonderful experiences with courtship and love it, to read this book, especially before you discuss it.
My own courtship experience was less than ideal, and I know many others with similar experiences. But on the flip side, modern dating holds all the drawbacks that it always did. When courtship came on the scene with “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, there were good reasons for that. However, the pendulum swung broadly and the other side of that has not been good for all those involved. This book brings some of those flaws to light and offers a guide for young people and their parents to find a healthier way for relationships to be formed.
Mr. Umstattd does not claim to have all the answers or put down all other methods. The book is laid out in an easy to read format, which teens or busy parents will find not hard to read a chapter and discuss. This book is well thought out, relatable, and so important for us to weigh and consider.
As the mother of three teenage sons, I found it very thought provoking. I would love to see this offered as a discussion group with parents and teens in local churches, homeschool groups and other places. I highly recommend this book to be read by all, even those that believe they oppose this. I believe you will be pleasantly surprised by the godliness shown forth in this book. I would not be surprised if it will make your beliefs stronger in the Lord.
February 4, 2016
I've always been on the fringes of the courtship movement, so this extensive look into the culture was fascinating. The author breaks down just what courtship is and isn't (and where the thought processes that led to the idea come from). Then he breaks down other methods of courtship or getting-to-marriage, too. Including arranged marriage and, gasp, traditional and modern dating. His defense is logical, thought-provoking, and made me think long and hard about the methodology used to approach this thing we call marriage. I recommend it to those looking to get a closer look at courtship culture--and perhaps return to a pre-modern, friendship-centered relationship foundation.
August 29, 2015
We have as many singles in America as were around just after WWII but unlike the marriage boom that took place back then, many Christians these days are remaining single. In an effort to push back against the characteristics of modern dating, a new approach called,"courtship" swept through the church in the late 1990s. It promised to help keep people pure and offered a better way to find a spouse.
In this book, Thomas Umstattd, a former passionate proponent of courtship, discusses why courtship is fundamentally flawed and contributing to the decline of new marriages in the church. Mr. Umstattd also shows how courtship is doing GREAT HARM to people. Besides making a strong case against courtship, he also compares it with three other approaches and strongly encourages traditional dating.
I LOVED this book!! It was so refreshing to read something that was full of practical and sound advice. I loved the fact that he addressed so many of the fears singles have and that he challenged people to wisely co-labor with God, (and others) in their pursuit of the relationships He has for them. It's my hope and prayer that books like this will take root in the church in such a way that the fear based pernicious passivity that has been dominating the single scene in the church will be seen for the toxic smokescreen that it is.
Here's a few quotes to whet your appetite -
"This (worldly) culture embraces pleasure and passion as the foundation of relationship. Commitment is trumped by chemistry, and loyalty is replaced with lust. It’s a mentality that tends to live in the moment, forsaking the building of a future. It’s no wonder that Christians freak out about dating. And it’s no wonder that we’re dealing with the highest numbers of single men and women we’ve ever had in our country. We spend years pouring fear into their lives about relationships and then wonder why so many are still single!"
"The promise of less heartbreak in courtship is sadly unfulfillable unless you marry the first person you court. Otherwise, Modern Courtship can prove just as heartbreaking as Modern Dating."
"I’ve received multiple comments from young women who had no idea how abusive and controlling their boyfriends were, because they didn’t have enough time to get to know them. When they did spend time together, the girl’s father supervised and the man stayed on his best behavior."
"Everyone should have friends and mentors who hold them accountable. We all need someone to challenge and encourage us. But the girl’s father serving as the accountability partner for the young man isn’t healthy accountability. It’s awkward accountability."
"...for years I also felt Modern Courtship was “the holy way,” and dating was “evil.” Once I dug into the historical and biblical examples of courtship, I realized I was wrong. Modern Courtship is not in the Bible. Calling it “biblical dating” doesn’t make it biblical."
In this book, Thomas Umstattd, a former passionate proponent of courtship, discusses why courtship is fundamentally flawed and contributing to the decline of new marriages in the church. Mr. Umstattd also shows how courtship is doing GREAT HARM to people. Besides making a strong case against courtship, he also compares it with three other approaches and strongly encourages traditional dating.
I LOVED this book!! It was so refreshing to read something that was full of practical and sound advice. I loved the fact that he addressed so many of the fears singles have and that he challenged people to wisely co-labor with God, (and others) in their pursuit of the relationships He has for them. It's my hope and prayer that books like this will take root in the church in such a way that the fear based pernicious passivity that has been dominating the single scene in the church will be seen for the toxic smokescreen that it is.
Here's a few quotes to whet your appetite -
"This (worldly) culture embraces pleasure and passion as the foundation of relationship. Commitment is trumped by chemistry, and loyalty is replaced with lust. It’s a mentality that tends to live in the moment, forsaking the building of a future. It’s no wonder that Christians freak out about dating. And it’s no wonder that we’re dealing with the highest numbers of single men and women we’ve ever had in our country. We spend years pouring fear into their lives about relationships and then wonder why so many are still single!"
"The promise of less heartbreak in courtship is sadly unfulfillable unless you marry the first person you court. Otherwise, Modern Courtship can prove just as heartbreaking as Modern Dating."
"I’ve received multiple comments from young women who had no idea how abusive and controlling their boyfriends were, because they didn’t have enough time to get to know them. When they did spend time together, the girl’s father supervised and the man stayed on his best behavior."
"Everyone should have friends and mentors who hold them accountable. We all need someone to challenge and encourage us. But the girl’s father serving as the accountability partner for the young man isn’t healthy accountability. It’s awkward accountability."
"...for years I also felt Modern Courtship was “the holy way,” and dating was “evil.” Once I dug into the historical and biblical examples of courtship, I realized I was wrong. Modern Courtship is not in the Bible. Calling it “biblical dating” doesn’t make it biblical."
September 5, 2015
Although I did not grow up in the conservative Christian homeschool circuit, through church, I was introduced to the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. To a highly logical teenager who didn't like to get her emotions jumbled, courtship seemed like a fantastic way to skip all the messy bits of a relationship. I liked the idea of being intentional with my relationships and looking towards marriage as an end goal.
Eventually, I abandoned the idea of courtship in favor of practicality. But I still found myself paralyzed or slow to move in some aspects of dating. This book hits the nail on the head when it talks about how much more difficult and scary something can be when you add, "for the purpose of marriage" to the end of each statement.
I stumbled upon the author's initial article about a year ago and it expressed many of the concerns I had regarding courtship as well as several I had never considered. Even today, I consider that particular article to be one of the primary sources I draw from when it comes to thinking about romantic relationships.
That being said, I don't think the book did much for me that the article didn't. It added pieces here and there, but overall, I think the article was the best medium for the message. Still, super happy to support the author through this purchase since his thoughts were so integral in shaping my own methods when it comes to dating.
Eventually, I abandoned the idea of courtship in favor of practicality. But I still found myself paralyzed or slow to move in some aspects of dating. This book hits the nail on the head when it talks about how much more difficult and scary something can be when you add, "for the purpose of marriage" to the end of each statement.
I stumbled upon the author's initial article about a year ago and it expressed many of the concerns I had regarding courtship as well as several I had never considered. Even today, I consider that particular article to be one of the primary sources I draw from when it comes to thinking about romantic relationships.
That being said, I don't think the book did much for me that the article didn't. It added pieces here and there, but overall, I think the article was the best medium for the message. Still, super happy to support the author through this purchase since his thoughts were so integral in shaping my own methods when it comes to dating.
August 8, 2022
The audience for this book may be rather narrow - conservative homeschool grads who are beginning to be disillusioned with courtship ideals - but for those individuals this is a much needed kick to scrape up courage to pursue marriage. And indeed much courage is required, not just to give traditional dating methods a chance, but also courage to re-evaluate strongly-held ideas and be bold enough to risk family and community misunderstanding and disapproval. The arguments in favor of traditional dating are compelling and practical, and I will doubtless refer back to this book when my kids are to that stage.
August 1, 2017
I liked reading this and seeing another, though drastically different, way of getting to know someone romantically. Though I didn't agree with everything, the book definitely makes you think about things. I thought it was a really good read.
4.5 stars
4.5 stars
October 26, 2016
Useful for moms and dads
As a dad these ideas adjusted my direction for our three girls. I appreciate Thomas authentic opinions on dating and courting
As a dad these ideas adjusted my direction for our three girls. I appreciate Thomas authentic opinions on dating and courting
September 20, 2025
Not typically the kind of book I read but it was recommended by a friend to help me understand the tough world of Christian dating and how the church might contribute to a better dating culture. There were a lot of really helpful features in this book. Its critique of the modern courtship model was quite persuasive. There were many practical tips that singles will find helpful (ie. Women, smile at guys so they know they have a chance, don’t wear a purity ring on your left hand, etc.). I also agree with the author that we need to normalize no pressure first dates. Men should not have to disclose their W2s and tax returns with the woman’s father to go on a first date and see if they have anything in common.
My main critique of this book (and I hesitate to offer any critique on this subject since I have very little experience in this realm: I married my first girlfriend at the age of 20). For what it’s worth, my main critique is that the author continually advises that singles delay “going steady” (exclusively committing to one another). In his opinion, it’s far better to get to know someone through casually dating around. This removes much of the pressure, potential heartbreak, and a lot of the physical temptation that comes through committing to another person.
Personally, I think this is taking it too far. I don’t think it takes long before two people know they are ready to be committed in a deeper way. I don’t want to read into the author’s intentions but for the average commitment-phobic millennial/gen. zer, this sounds like a convenient way of pushing big decisions to tomorrow. Granted, he is writing to people coming out of the courtship model, where women are mentally picking out their wedding dress before their first date. “Be slow to commit” makes sense in that context. However, I’m not convinced it’s the message our broader culture needs to hear.
All in all, it was a helpful critique of modern courtship, gave some practical dating tips, and proposed an alternative (that probably needs some refining).
My main critique of this book (and I hesitate to offer any critique on this subject since I have very little experience in this realm: I married my first girlfriend at the age of 20). For what it’s worth, my main critique is that the author continually advises that singles delay “going steady” (exclusively committing to one another). In his opinion, it’s far better to get to know someone through casually dating around. This removes much of the pressure, potential heartbreak, and a lot of the physical temptation that comes through committing to another person.
Personally, I think this is taking it too far. I don’t think it takes long before two people know they are ready to be committed in a deeper way. I don’t want to read into the author’s intentions but for the average commitment-phobic millennial/gen. zer, this sounds like a convenient way of pushing big decisions to tomorrow. Granted, he is writing to people coming out of the courtship model, where women are mentally picking out their wedding dress before their first date. “Be slow to commit” makes sense in that context. However, I’m not convinced it’s the message our broader culture needs to hear.
All in all, it was a helpful critique of modern courtship, gave some practical dating tips, and proposed an alternative (that probably needs some refining).
June 12, 2023
I read this book on a friend's recommendation. Umstattd offers a compelling case for what he calls "traditional dating," which is effectively what his grandparent's generation practiced, in opposition to modern dating (hookup culture) or modern courtship (think "I Kissed Dating Goodbye"). The author relies on anecdotes throughout, and I would like to see a deeper examination into what exactly "purity culture" is, where it comes from, and where it is practiced. Likewise for "Modern Courtship." Both phenomena seem to exist, but his small collection of stories give the appearance of a straw man rather than a fully-developed culture and practice. Nevertheless, his alternative of traditional dating offers some hopeful and practical solutions to some of the problems I have seen in my limited experience. While paths to the altar can and should change culturally, traditional dating as posited by Umstattd might be a viable cultural option for Christians today.
June 20, 2019
Like Joshua Harris, Thomas Umstattd Jr. was a huge proponent of "courtship" instead of dating. However, over time he realized it didn't work and actually caused a lot of problems. This book functions in part as a summary of those problems.
Unfortunately, Umstattd took it upon himself to suggest an alternative system which he calls "Traditional Dating," and seems to be mainly based on some conversations he had with his grandmother -- never a great sign. Basically, "Traditional Dating" is just casual non-sexual dating. His big thing is that you should go on dates with several people before going on a second date with any of them. Which doesn't seem that revolutionary to me but whatever.
The problem is that many of the flaws of courtship culture are still found here: he presents all other types of dating as "preparation for divorce," he implies that if you follow this system you will have a great healthy marriage, and he is strongly against singleness. Rather than learning from his mistakes, he simply took one legalistic system and traded it in for another one.
Unfortunately, Umstattd took it upon himself to suggest an alternative system which he calls "Traditional Dating," and seems to be mainly based on some conversations he had with his grandmother -- never a great sign. Basically, "Traditional Dating" is just casual non-sexual dating. His big thing is that you should go on dates with several people before going on a second date with any of them. Which doesn't seem that revolutionary to me but whatever.
The problem is that many of the flaws of courtship culture are still found here: he presents all other types of dating as "preparation for divorce," he implies that if you follow this system you will have a great healthy marriage, and he is strongly against singleness. Rather than learning from his mistakes, he simply took one legalistic system and traded it in for another one.
February 25, 2022
I'm honestly not sure if I agree 100% with everything, but this is a thought-provoking book that gave me some nuggets to chew on. I'd recommend trying it out regardless of what you think on courting and dating.
October 1, 2024
This book is sorta what I hoped for—but not exactly. I guess that's not really the author's fault, though.
I know precisely zilch about the author. The theological lingo in the book leads me to believe that Umstattd and I probably come from different theological traditions. But nothing in the book is so in-your-face that it affects the primary subject matter.
As a pastor, I really hoped for a deeper dive into the Biblical models of finding a spouse. There are obvious problems with Modern Dating—the most glaringly obvious being that Modern Dating these days often just means sleeping around. This has caused many to latch onto what they call "Biblical Courtship". As a pastor, I really struggle to see courtship as something clearly taught in the Bible—and certainly not mandated. I wanted this book to help me with that. I'm not saying he did not address these things, but this book is just more than that.
I've pastored long enough to see young people really messed up from all forms of "dating" or "courtship" or whatever. I do think Umstattd sufficiently proved to me that exclusivity too quickly brings on all sorts of problems. This problem of exclusivity is actually something shared between Modern Courtship and Modern Dating. The effects may be different, but they're not good either way. I've seen young people commit so quickly to a relationship that they lose all sense of logical thought. They will destroy friendships without regret, family relationships that take many years to repair, and make some of the most bone-headed decisions in the world because they are blinded by (supposed) "love" that really just came from a commitment far too quickly. Some of these young people have pulled out of their mistakes and ended up OK in spite of them. Others—not so much. And sadly, some that I have seen—young people that left a wake of destruction and hurt feelings behind them —actually feel justified. I mean, the spouse comes first even if that means destroying life-long friendships. It does not have to be that way.
All that said, Umstattd offers an alternative to Modern Courtship and Modern Dating. It's the way my parents found one another—Traditional Dating. Umstattd does not make the case that this is the only Biblical way to "date". It is not. In fact, he makes clear that there is no clear-cut plan for finding a spouse in the Bible. There are guidlines, of course—but not a definite plan. This simply looks different in different cultures. But he does make some logical, common sense, wisdom-filled arguments for Traditional Dating. I think implementing it will be the hardest thing in our culture, but it could be done.
This book is worth the read for both the unmarried and the parents of the unmarried.
I know precisely zilch about the author. The theological lingo in the book leads me to believe that Umstattd and I probably come from different theological traditions. But nothing in the book is so in-your-face that it affects the primary subject matter.
As a pastor, I really hoped for a deeper dive into the Biblical models of finding a spouse. There are obvious problems with Modern Dating—the most glaringly obvious being that Modern Dating these days often just means sleeping around. This has caused many to latch onto what they call "Biblical Courtship". As a pastor, I really struggle to see courtship as something clearly taught in the Bible—and certainly not mandated. I wanted this book to help me with that. I'm not saying he did not address these things, but this book is just more than that.
I've pastored long enough to see young people really messed up from all forms of "dating" or "courtship" or whatever. I do think Umstattd sufficiently proved to me that exclusivity too quickly brings on all sorts of problems. This problem of exclusivity is actually something shared between Modern Courtship and Modern Dating. The effects may be different, but they're not good either way. I've seen young people commit so quickly to a relationship that they lose all sense of logical thought. They will destroy friendships without regret, family relationships that take many years to repair, and make some of the most bone-headed decisions in the world because they are blinded by (supposed) "love" that really just came from a commitment far too quickly. Some of these young people have pulled out of their mistakes and ended up OK in spite of them. Others—not so much. And sadly, some that I have seen—young people that left a wake of destruction and hurt feelings behind them —actually feel justified. I mean, the spouse comes first even if that means destroying life-long friendships. It does not have to be that way.
All that said, Umstattd offers an alternative to Modern Courtship and Modern Dating. It's the way my parents found one another—Traditional Dating. Umstattd does not make the case that this is the only Biblical way to "date". It is not. In fact, he makes clear that there is no clear-cut plan for finding a spouse in the Bible. There are guidlines, of course—but not a definite plan. This simply looks different in different cultures. But he does make some logical, common sense, wisdom-filled arguments for Traditional Dating. I think implementing it will be the hardest thing in our culture, but it could be done.
This book is worth the read for both the unmarried and the parents of the unmarried.
November 11, 2015
There was a lot about this book that I really loved, and some parts I loved less, but overall I would recommend it for anyone in the courtship movement, curious about the courtship movement, or just interested in relational and societal trends. This book was all about breaking people out of bondage and extra-Biblical rules that have been foisted onto segments of the Christian population. For that I stand, climb up on my chair, loudly applaud, as well as hoot, holler, and whistle!!!! That part of the book was wonderful and incredibly well stated from someone who had been in the courtship movement and bought it in full along with all the accompanying shame, guilt, and heartache, even preaching for it at some point. I loved the chapters about the history of dating and courtship and found them fascinating. I would also mention that the book is very well-written.
Now for the part that I loved less. In place of "modern courtship" or "modern dating," the author offers a different, somewhat rule-based, system he calls "traditional dating." There's nothing wrong with the guidelines he suggests, and he does mention that they're just practical suggestions and that you should be free to follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit. I just don't understand why he needed a new prescriptive system at all. I guess this part will make more sense to those who so vehemently rejected dating at some point. And/or to those who love and need rules. It will serve as a bridge for them back to a sane way of finding a spouse. I come from a different more freedom and grace loving side of Christianity. My daughter and I read one of the Josh Harris books which encouraged courtship when she was in 10th grade. Although there was some good stuff in the book, we could both immediately see that it was Biblically unbalanced. My parents, I, and now my college-aged children all practiced what I would call, for lack of a better term, "Christian dating." Basically, being a Christian and applying Christian principles while dating. We didn't need a list of rules, and it worked fine for all of us.
Other things that stood out to me: I feel I understand the courtship mindset better now. I've been concerned about how to handle things if any of my children ever want a relationship with a courtship-minded person. I see more clearly now the dangers and concerns. Also, I liked that the author didn't shy away from the fact that courtship fathers are domineering, that girls having their fathers as gatekeepers in marriage stunts their emotional maturity, and that too many courtship marriages have resulted in emotional and/or physical abuse. He mentions, rather tongue in cheek I think, that to his knowledge at least no courtship father's are charging money to marry their daughters, which illustrates how these girls are subtly being treated like property. In his question and answer section, he even offers advice for women in abusive marriages to get out and find support. I'm standing on the actual table now and clapping for that part. I do wish he'd gone even more into the core issues of such a patriarchal system and how it really fosters and facilitates abuse and even draws men with abusive tendencies, but I realize that wasn't the purpose of this book.
Wow, I rarely write reviews this long, but I think you can tell that this book really affected me. I will also mention that as a Christian author, I have recently been pretty harshly slapped by what the author calls the "Purity Police." This book was a balm to my battle-weary soul, and now I will better know how to pray for these people so trapped in and weighed down by bondage. Honestly, it grieves me. All Christians who understand freedom, grace, and true relationship with God need to be praying for these "Purity Police" type of people.
Now for the part that I loved less. In place of "modern courtship" or "modern dating," the author offers a different, somewhat rule-based, system he calls "traditional dating." There's nothing wrong with the guidelines he suggests, and he does mention that they're just practical suggestions and that you should be free to follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit. I just don't understand why he needed a new prescriptive system at all. I guess this part will make more sense to those who so vehemently rejected dating at some point. And/or to those who love and need rules. It will serve as a bridge for them back to a sane way of finding a spouse. I come from a different more freedom and grace loving side of Christianity. My daughter and I read one of the Josh Harris books which encouraged courtship when she was in 10th grade. Although there was some good stuff in the book, we could both immediately see that it was Biblically unbalanced. My parents, I, and now my college-aged children all practiced what I would call, for lack of a better term, "Christian dating." Basically, being a Christian and applying Christian principles while dating. We didn't need a list of rules, and it worked fine for all of us.
Other things that stood out to me: I feel I understand the courtship mindset better now. I've been concerned about how to handle things if any of my children ever want a relationship with a courtship-minded person. I see more clearly now the dangers and concerns. Also, I liked that the author didn't shy away from the fact that courtship fathers are domineering, that girls having their fathers as gatekeepers in marriage stunts their emotional maturity, and that too many courtship marriages have resulted in emotional and/or physical abuse. He mentions, rather tongue in cheek I think, that to his knowledge at least no courtship father's are charging money to marry their daughters, which illustrates how these girls are subtly being treated like property. In his question and answer section, he even offers advice for women in abusive marriages to get out and find support. I'm standing on the actual table now and clapping for that part. I do wish he'd gone even more into the core issues of such a patriarchal system and how it really fosters and facilitates abuse and even draws men with abusive tendencies, but I realize that wasn't the purpose of this book.
Wow, I rarely write reviews this long, but I think you can tell that this book really affected me. I will also mention that as a Christian author, I have recently been pretty harshly slapped by what the author calls the "Purity Police." This book was a balm to my battle-weary soul, and now I will better know how to pray for these people so trapped in and weighed down by bondage. Honestly, it grieves me. All Christians who understand freedom, grace, and true relationship with God need to be praying for these "Purity Police" type of people.
September 30, 2016
Okay, so I was hesitating to write a review of this book, but here goes anyway.
I really, really enjoyed this. It was super insightful, and seeing the systems used for finding the 'love of your life' laid out in an objective manner really was helpful to me. I've watched the Duggars, and that's how I was even ever introduced to the idea of courting. I can tell you that the author's representation of courting seems pretty accurate to me and really lays everything out.
Before being presented with the idea of traditional dating I thought that if I were to ever be asked out on a date by anyone, it would be a big deal, and of course I would need to know if I actually even liked the person who was asking m, as in I'd need to know if I liked them in a more-than-just-a-friend type of way beforehand if I were to say yes to going out with them. So when I first started reading this book, it honestly blew my mind a little.
To think that dating could be casual, but not in a bad way was really kinda crazy to me.
And to anyone that doesn't know, traditional dating takes the stance of 'if you don't go out with a person, how do you know if you like them/are compatible with them?' and says how you can't really get to know a person unless you spend one-on-one time with them. It emphasizes the idea of being open to a first date, and after that first date deciding if you'd want to go on another or not. The whole concept is also that the more dates you go on, the more you will know what kind of person is right for you.
Along with that, I would say another key component to things is the idea of you not being committed to any one person. Nowadays with modern dating, 'dating' is the equivalent of 'going steady' or being boyfriend and girlfriend, but with traditional dating it just means you're dating each other...and going on dates with other people. I could explain more, but honestly if you're interested just go ahead and read the book! I really think it's worth it. :)
So after reading the whole thing though, honestly to me traditional dating sounds like the best option here.
Another thing I really liked about the book was how the author just packed his writing full with biblical principles, putting in verses throughout and just bringing God into things. The real life examples and stories were also pretty interesting, and it was cool bringing things back to the fact that this isn't just an idea. It's something that's been tried and proven to work. And not in the past few years either. Traditional dating was something everyone did back in the 50s...so yeah!
I might end up bumping my review up to five stars after trying this all out for myself. I first learned about the book and traditional dating in a group, and those of us who want to are going to be doing what we are calling an experiment...where we all try this whole idea of traditional dating. Like, among each other. Soooo...haha, yeah! Should be really interesting.
In closing...if you're considering reading this book, just do it. It's really good and very helpful. I am thinking about buying my own copy of it honestly, I had to keep fighting the urge as I was reading the book to not highlight and underline things as I'm reading since I only borrowed the book and don't own it. But yeah, this is a really good read!
I really, really enjoyed this. It was super insightful, and seeing the systems used for finding the 'love of your life' laid out in an objective manner really was helpful to me. I've watched the Duggars, and that's how I was even ever introduced to the idea of courting. I can tell you that the author's representation of courting seems pretty accurate to me and really lays everything out.
Before being presented with the idea of traditional dating I thought that if I were to ever be asked out on a date by anyone, it would be a big deal, and of course I would need to know if I actually even liked the person who was asking m, as in I'd need to know if I liked them in a more-than-just-a-friend type of way beforehand if I were to say yes to going out with them. So when I first started reading this book, it honestly blew my mind a little.
To think that dating could be casual, but not in a bad way was really kinda crazy to me.
And to anyone that doesn't know, traditional dating takes the stance of 'if you don't go out with a person, how do you know if you like them/are compatible with them?' and says how you can't really get to know a person unless you spend one-on-one time with them. It emphasizes the idea of being open to a first date, and after that first date deciding if you'd want to go on another or not. The whole concept is also that the more dates you go on, the more you will know what kind of person is right for you.
Along with that, I would say another key component to things is the idea of you not being committed to any one person. Nowadays with modern dating, 'dating' is the equivalent of 'going steady' or being boyfriend and girlfriend, but with traditional dating it just means you're dating each other...and going on dates with other people. I could explain more, but honestly if you're interested just go ahead and read the book! I really think it's worth it. :)
So after reading the whole thing though, honestly to me traditional dating sounds like the best option here.
Another thing I really liked about the book was how the author just packed his writing full with biblical principles, putting in verses throughout and just bringing God into things. The real life examples and stories were also pretty interesting, and it was cool bringing things back to the fact that this isn't just an idea. It's something that's been tried and proven to work. And not in the past few years either. Traditional dating was something everyone did back in the 50s...so yeah!
I might end up bumping my review up to five stars after trying this all out for myself. I first learned about the book and traditional dating in a group, and those of us who want to are going to be doing what we are calling an experiment...where we all try this whole idea of traditional dating. Like, among each other. Soooo...haha, yeah! Should be really interesting.
In closing...if you're considering reading this book, just do it. It's really good and very helpful. I am thinking about buying my own copy of it honestly, I had to keep fighting the urge as I was reading the book to not highlight and underline things as I'm reading since I only borrowed the book and don't own it. But yeah, this is a really good read!
May 9, 2016
This was a pretty good book sketching out the problems with the courtship movement and what traditional dating in a post-Christian age should look like for faithful Christians. The critique on courtship wasn't the greatest one I've read: a lot of the critique seemed to be based on personal experience and the fact that the author hadn't ever seen it work rather than more theoretical objections to it. But he did bring up more arguments than just that, and I was already pretty convinced going into this book about the problems with the courtship movement, so that fact didn't terribly bother me.
What I really appreciated about this book was the way that it sketched out a sympathetic picture of traditional dating. As someone who more-or-less grew up within the courtship movement (my parents are more moderate on this issue, but homeschooling culture in general kind of falls into this movement, so while I didn't grow up in the extreme side of it, it definitely was more of the norm), while I've shied away from the movement in recent years, that doesn't mean I've always had the clearest understanding of what operating from a dating perspective practically looks like. On that front, this book did an excellent job of giving clear vision and practical advice for what this should look like.
One of the things I appreciated the most about this book was the fairness that Umstattd consistently showed the side that he was arguing against. For the most part, he was very charitable to the courtship view, despite his critique of it, and had a lot of nuance in his views. The one exception to this rule would be with regards to his stated opinion concerning what he terms "dragon fathers" (fathers who believe they have authority/responsibility over whom their daughters date). While I'm not convinced by the arguments used to claim that fathers always have authority over their daughters until marriage, I felt like Umstattd treated them more harshly than he needed to, probably because of all the negative experiences Umstattd has had with those kinds of fathers. But his character overall tended to be more gracious toward his opponents, and so I appreciated that facet of this book.
Overall, this book felt more like a series of blog posts in terms of quality than a full book. But it was nonetheless a very good book detailing the basics of a Christian approach to dating and one that I ultimately found quite helpful. When Umstattd first wrote his viral blog post that spawned this book, I agreed with him on points and disagreed with him on others. I still don't quite agree with him on everything. But this book makes me agree with him a lot more than I originally did.
Rating: 4.0 Stars (Very Good).
What I really appreciated about this book was the way that it sketched out a sympathetic picture of traditional dating. As someone who more-or-less grew up within the courtship movement (my parents are more moderate on this issue, but homeschooling culture in general kind of falls into this movement, so while I didn't grow up in the extreme side of it, it definitely was more of the norm), while I've shied away from the movement in recent years, that doesn't mean I've always had the clearest understanding of what operating from a dating perspective practically looks like. On that front, this book did an excellent job of giving clear vision and practical advice for what this should look like.
One of the things I appreciated the most about this book was the fairness that Umstattd consistently showed the side that he was arguing against. For the most part, he was very charitable to the courtship view, despite his critique of it, and had a lot of nuance in his views. The one exception to this rule would be with regards to his stated opinion concerning what he terms "dragon fathers" (fathers who believe they have authority/responsibility over whom their daughters date). While I'm not convinced by the arguments used to claim that fathers always have authority over their daughters until marriage, I felt like Umstattd treated them more harshly than he needed to, probably because of all the negative experiences Umstattd has had with those kinds of fathers. But his character overall tended to be more gracious toward his opponents, and so I appreciated that facet of this book.
Overall, this book felt more like a series of blog posts in terms of quality than a full book. But it was nonetheless a very good book detailing the basics of a Christian approach to dating and one that I ultimately found quite helpful. When Umstattd first wrote his viral blog post that spawned this book, I agreed with him on points and disagreed with him on others. I still don't quite agree with him on everything. But this book makes me agree with him a lot more than I originally did.
Rating: 4.0 Stars (Very Good).
September 18, 2015
My impression of Mr. Umstattd’s book basically has three parts: he correctly analyzes that Modern Courtship is a disaster; ; he proposes an alternative, “Traditional Dating” that is no better, and even less Biblical; and he fails to truly recognize what Scripture truly says about the path to marriage.
Modern Courtship has been a disaster. It has left literally thousands of ‘Courters’ unmarried and heartbroken. It has left thousands more confusedly thinking that their unmarried and fruitless state is actually a ‘success’.
It was a failure both because it was irrational and because it was unBiblical. Of course, being unBiblical meant, by definition, that it was irrational, since all true knowledge and wisdom come from God. The Modern Courtship advocates abandoned a Scriptural foundation for their ‘system’ and instead founded it upon an idyllic mix of Jane Austen and King Arthur. Books like ‘The Princess Kiss’ literally brought forward as ‘successes’ a system that, by its own admission, left dozens unmarried and rejected.
The answers to this crisis are found in Scripture, but ‘Traditional Dating’ is not what is taught there. Even by Mr. Umstattd’s own admission, if you search Scripture you will not find anyone ‘Traditional Dating’ (or courting). Mr. Umstattd’s response to the Scriptural pattern and precept can be summed up as ‘American’s won’t like it’.
That, in those same words, can be said about a lot of what the Scriptures teach. Indeed the words ‘the Jews’ (or Romans, or Greeks) ‘won’t like it’ can pretty much summarize the standard response to what the Scriptures have taught over pretty much all of history.
We Christians should not be afraid of teaching, or following, things that the world around us, or even the people in the pews around us, ‘won’t like’. To paraphrase the famous quote, “The Scriptures views on marriage have not been tried and found unworkable, they have been found unlikable and not tried.”
It is a very good thing that Mr. Umstattd and his followers have rejected courtship. There is nothing Biblical about courtship. But it would be very, very good if they did not also reject Scripture.
(This review of the edition available for free on noisetrade.com)
Modern Courtship has been a disaster. It has left literally thousands of ‘Courters’ unmarried and heartbroken. It has left thousands more confusedly thinking that their unmarried and fruitless state is actually a ‘success’.
It was a failure both because it was irrational and because it was unBiblical. Of course, being unBiblical meant, by definition, that it was irrational, since all true knowledge and wisdom come from God. The Modern Courtship advocates abandoned a Scriptural foundation for their ‘system’ and instead founded it upon an idyllic mix of Jane Austen and King Arthur. Books like ‘The Princess Kiss’ literally brought forward as ‘successes’ a system that, by its own admission, left dozens unmarried and rejected.
The answers to this crisis are found in Scripture, but ‘Traditional Dating’ is not what is taught there. Even by Mr. Umstattd’s own admission, if you search Scripture you will not find anyone ‘Traditional Dating’ (or courting). Mr. Umstattd’s response to the Scriptural pattern and precept can be summed up as ‘American’s won’t like it’.
That, in those same words, can be said about a lot of what the Scriptures teach. Indeed the words ‘the Jews’ (or Romans, or Greeks) ‘won’t like it’ can pretty much summarize the standard response to what the Scriptures have taught over pretty much all of history.
We Christians should not be afraid of teaching, or following, things that the world around us, or even the people in the pews around us, ‘won’t like’. To paraphrase the famous quote, “The Scriptures views on marriage have not been tried and found unworkable, they have been found unlikable and not tried.”
It is a very good thing that Mr. Umstattd and his followers have rejected courtship. There is nothing Biblical about courtship. But it would be very, very good if they did not also reject Scripture.
(This review of the edition available for free on noisetrade.com)
September 24, 2015
Courtship in Crisis was good. It presented very clearly the history of courtship in Western culture and gave some wisdom as to how to move to a more healthy place in our own time.
I'm really glad that Umstattd didn't try to set out, once and for all, some eternal "Biblical" standard of how to court. That is, after all, what has led the Modern Courtship movement into error. Rather, he tried to say what works in our own time and our own culture based on wisdom.
He also gave good practical advice and a strong how-to. As a single guy, I'm emboldened by his book.
On the minus side, there was some repetitiveness, such as phrases like, "Modern Courtship has resulted in a generation of perpetual singles and Modern Dating has left many brokenhearted, while Traditional Dating..." And so forth. He repeated something like that phrase a number of times. The concepts were definitely repeated often.
The chapter describing Modern Dating also was similar to stuff I've heard a million times in sermons. That could have been more concise.
I was worried the book would carry some serious angst and anger at the Modern Courtship movement. There was some of that, but it wasn't overpowering. He generally respected the system that he argued against.
I believe that if our culture adopted dating as outlined in this book, our relationships would find new health and vitality, and a great part of the heartbreak and pain of modern romance (or lack thereof) would vanish like night before daybreak.
I'm really glad that Umstattd didn't try to set out, once and for all, some eternal "Biblical" standard of how to court. That is, after all, what has led the Modern Courtship movement into error. Rather, he tried to say what works in our own time and our own culture based on wisdom.
He also gave good practical advice and a strong how-to. As a single guy, I'm emboldened by his book.
On the minus side, there was some repetitiveness, such as phrases like, "Modern Courtship has resulted in a generation of perpetual singles and Modern Dating has left many brokenhearted, while Traditional Dating..." And so forth. He repeated something like that phrase a number of times. The concepts were definitely repeated often.
The chapter describing Modern Dating also was similar to stuff I've heard a million times in sermons. That could have been more concise.
I was worried the book would carry some serious angst and anger at the Modern Courtship movement. There was some of that, but it wasn't overpowering. He generally respected the system that he argued against.
I believe that if our culture adopted dating as outlined in this book, our relationships would find new health and vitality, and a great part of the heartbreak and pain of modern romance (or lack thereof) would vanish like night before daybreak.
April 28, 2017
Umstattd presents a clear thesis and sound argument for why traditional dating works better than modern courtship. As a now former courtship advocate, I can say he does not present strawmen, which given the broad spectrum of practices and beliefs included in this method, is an impressive accomplishment. His critique of courtship's fundamental flaw drives the presentation and brings it to a satisfactory conclusion.
Basically, traditional dating (the type practiced in 1940s and 50s America) has two rules or guidelines:
1- Don't go out with the same person twice in a row
2- Don't stay out past ten (or whatever time you know your willpower will wane)
Simple, and serves as a better antidote to broken hearts and early strong attachment.
I am not certain the historical chapter was needed, but it was intriguing and definitely added to his rebuttal of some common courtship rhetoric.
Throughout the book, he is respectful of the concerns raised by the courtship movement but shows how their solutions have not worked quite as splendidly as they might have hoped. He acknowledges that the method has worked for some (and, personally, I know several couples who practiced courtship), but maintains that while it might work for some people, we cannot mandate it for all, Biblically speaking.
All in all, a fantastic read that actually changed my view, and helped bring clarity to my already somewhat conflicted and dissatisfied opinions of courtship.
Basically, traditional dating (the type practiced in 1940s and 50s America) has two rules or guidelines:
1- Don't go out with the same person twice in a row
2- Don't stay out past ten (or whatever time you know your willpower will wane)
Simple, and serves as a better antidote to broken hearts and early strong attachment.
I am not certain the historical chapter was needed, but it was intriguing and definitely added to his rebuttal of some common courtship rhetoric.
Throughout the book, he is respectful of the concerns raised by the courtship movement but shows how their solutions have not worked quite as splendidly as they might have hoped. He acknowledges that the method has worked for some (and, personally, I know several couples who practiced courtship), but maintains that while it might work for some people, we cannot mandate it for all, Biblically speaking.
All in all, a fantastic read that actually changed my view, and helped bring clarity to my already somewhat conflicted and dissatisfied opinions of courtship.
October 28, 2015
This is one of the best books I have read on relationships. Being someone who has tried Courtship as well as Modern Day Dating, I could relate to what Umstattd says about the downfalls of both types of relationships. I've been there and done it and walked away hurt. I didn't want to do things the same, but everywhere I looked the message was either, just date and become serious quickly, or court and always have marriage on your mind. The author of this book does an excellent job making the material interesting - I read it in two days! He provides real stories and examples as well as scientific research to back up his points. One of my favorite parts of the books was his history on relationships starting during Biblical times and moving forward to the present. I found it to be an eye-opener for how things have changed over the years. If you have tried dating or courtship and are tired of being drug through all that 'mess, awkwardness, pain, and/or regret,' or if you haven't tried any of them yet but want to understand the different options, this book will shed light on the positives and negatives for all of them, and present the information in a non-pushing/demanding way that will leave you thinking.
August 29, 2015
A good book that talks about the current state of romantic relationships within Christianity. Apparently many people have turned to a concept called "Modern Courtship" to protect themselves from heartbreak and sin. But Umstadd's argument is that this movement has done little to actually protect anyone. Instead, he suggests that Christians use a method he calls "Traditional Dating." I find his argument very persuasive.
The problem is that my particular corner of Christendom hasn't really been affected by the Modern Courtship movement. Or, if it has been, I haven't seen it. So while I appreciated the ideas that Umstadd presented, I suspect it would be difficult to sell this to folks in my little corner of the faith.
Still a very good book and worthy of being read, even by those who may be wondering what Courtship is.
The problem is that my particular corner of Christendom hasn't really been affected by the Modern Courtship movement. Or, if it has been, I haven't seen it. So while I appreciated the ideas that Umstadd presented, I suspect it would be difficult to sell this to folks in my little corner of the faith.
Still a very good book and worthy of being read, even by those who may be wondering what Courtship is.
June 28, 2016
The evangelical move toward parent controlled courtship holds a morbid fascination to me. This book rightfully holds that adults should navigate romantic relationships on their own (if you can't, it is questionable to me whether you are mature enough for marriage at all). Unfortunately, Umstattd advocates replacing the courtship movement, with all of its complicated rules, with another set of rules to follow.
The people I know who are happily married did not follow complex rules. Every relationship began and evolved differently but what they had in common was two people doing what was right for the two of them without a dependence on outside rules to control the relationship. My own included.
Umstattd, on the other hand, formerly a very public advocate of courtship, seems unable to fathom that mature healthy Christian relationships can begin, function and thrive without legalism.
The people I know who are happily married did not follow complex rules. Every relationship began and evolved differently but what they had in common was two people doing what was right for the two of them without a dependence on outside rules to control the relationship. My own included.
Umstattd, on the other hand, formerly a very public advocate of courtship, seems unable to fathom that mature healthy Christian relationships can begin, function and thrive without legalism.
November 8, 2017
Easy read
I haven't ever read I kissed dating goodbye, but this book stands reasonably well on its own. It is firmly focussed on a particular Christian subculture but I think others would get some encouragement from it.
I haven't ever read I kissed dating goodbye, but this book stands reasonably well on its own. It is firmly focussed on a particular Christian subculture but I think others would get some encouragement from it.
March 1, 2019
FINALLY. Coming from a family of "daters" but surrounded by families that "courted" this is the most wonderful book to read. I'd pair this with "Boundaries in Dating" to prepare my children for getting ready to date.
April 26, 2020
Before going into a review of this read, I have to share that I was reluctant to read about a different perspective to singleness and courtship because of the positive changes I've experienced. 3-4 years ago, I was in a place where reading Joshua Harris's books (I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl Say Hello to Courtship) helped me to develop a healthy view of god honoring romantic relationships. I learned that the lifestyle of recreational dating (mentioned as modern dating in this book) is a detour from serving God as a single. Also that putting off dating if you are not ready for commitment is wise. Intimacy is the reward of commitment, it should be. About courtship, I learned that this was an approach to dating - getting to know one another with the goal of marriage, involving community into that process of evaluation, having healthy physical boundaries to honor each other, and most importantly having God at the center of the relationship. I still agree with these views.
Reading a different perspective is often hard for me because I feel that I can easily find myself agreeing with both sides. In this case, it's a great thing! There is a lot of wisdom here. The author writes in tune with the title - as a case for traditional dating. He gave the history of courtship evolution, explanained some pitfalls in the modern approach of courtship, shared stories of people who have been hurt, and explained what traditional dating is. The final chapter (Q&A section) is my favorite!
So if you come from the I Kissed Dating Goodbye culture, whether you've had a negative or positive experience, I recommend giving this a read. I think someone from a more conservative background would most benefit but even for me where the process of learning has been more recent, this helps to see dating with less pressure. Not with less commitment, but less pressure when in that season of figuring out if and why you like someone.
Reading a different perspective is often hard for me because I feel that I can easily find myself agreeing with both sides. In this case, it's a great thing! There is a lot of wisdom here. The author writes in tune with the title - as a case for traditional dating. He gave the history of courtship evolution, explanained some pitfalls in the modern approach of courtship, shared stories of people who have been hurt, and explained what traditional dating is. The final chapter (Q&A section) is my favorite!
So if you come from the I Kissed Dating Goodbye culture, whether you've had a negative or positive experience, I recommend giving this a read. I think someone from a more conservative background would most benefit but even for me where the process of learning has been more recent, this helps to see dating with less pressure. Not with less commitment, but less pressure when in that season of figuring out if and why you like someone.
May 30, 2022
This book, perfect to go along with How to Avoid Falling in Love with A Jerk and Meet to Marry, provides a clear dating blueprint for those seeking to avoid the pitfalls both of anything-goes Modern Dating and stifling Courtship. Umstattd lays out why both models cause needless heartbreak and divorce--the latter is no remedy for the former--and then presents a step-by-step alternative: Traditional Dating. Unlike the other models, which prematurely add either sex or commitment to the relationship, Traditional Dating focuses on getting to know someone with no pressure. The book made me feel compassion for myself: It is hard to figure out healthy relationships from the ground up in a culture that offers two miserable alternatives. Thankfully Umstattd points us back to a better way. My only critique of the book is that it assumes stereotypical gender roles (that men will always be the ones asking women out). However, considering that the primary audience is those frustrated by the Courtship model, one can easily overlook this and benefit.
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