Skeleton Army: a novel of an army of darkness of skeletons

by Peter Derk

I own one VHS tape. Okay, four. Three of them are the original Star Wars trilogy in their original, Han shoots first glory. Mostly because I like the idea of TAKE THAT, LUCAS! Here's what you get for informing and enhancing my childhood!

Anywho, the fourth tape is Army of Darkness.

It was my favorite movie when I was a kid. I created my own holiday, Ash Wednesday, just to watch Army of Darkness. Okay, I didn't CREATE Ash Wednesday, but if it tells you anything about the role of religion in my upbringing, I was completely unaware of what Ash Wednesday was beyond the words on the calendar. And when I found it, I was horrified and disappointed.

There's a scene in Army of Darkness where a bunch of skeletons are digging each other out of graves to make an army of the dead, and some other skeletons, early to pillaging, are bringing back these topless women from wherever they pillaged. One skeleton says, "We got plans for you, girly girl!"

I wondered, "Wait, what plans?

And thus, Skeleton Army was born.

Marvel at an army of skeletons who are too incompetent to build a battering ram, too lazy to carry swords, and generally mess it all up.

And one day, Bruce Campbell WILL sign my Army of Darkness VHS. One day...

25 pages, Kindle Edition

First published August 1, 2015

About the author

Peter Derk doesn't understand why they've never sold a Twix called "Twick" that's just one long bar made of the two bars mashed together.

Reviews

[Marc *Dark Reader with a Thousand Young! Iä!* · Rating 5 out of 5]

Of all the books based on 1992's Army of Darkness starring Bruce Campbell and Embeth Davidtz from the perspective of one member of the skeleton army raised from the grave to assault a medieval castle I've read this year, this was the most hilarious.

Some random quotes:

Can I tell you something? I hate wizards. They're real pieces of shit.
[. . .]
The lady wizard, she was all sass. It was almost like she didn't even want to do wizard stuff. She just wanted to hurt our feelings. So we made her go away and said it was because her hair sucked.
[. . .]
Acidletons:Skeletons covered in acid so when a man touched them, they've have acid on them. Which seemed good until we figured out the acid melted bones too and didn't help us very much. In fact, instead of creating a super soldier, we just created a melted pile of skeleton.
[. . .]
It was a nice day. And we got to take a walk, which is something we didn't make much time for. It's funny how when you're an inhuman monster, you forget that it's okay to do some stuff for you sometimes, that you can take a walk or like enjoy sitting on an old log out in nature somewhere. You feel like you have to be always doing something evil, but you can just, you know, watch butterflies fuck on a leaf or something. Or dragonflies. Man, dragonflies fuuuuuuuuck.

[Peter Derk]

Okay, I read this book that I wrote. OUT LOUD. And I recorded it, which means you can hear me read it. OUT LOUD.

That's right, finally you can read one of my great titles without reading. And I won't judge you for being lazy. I WILL judge you for sloth because that's a sin. That's a sin, and you are going to pay for that one. Also, if you just want to use audiobooks because you eat so many Cheetos that you can't help but get Cheeto dust on your hands...I'm torn on that one. On the one hand, it spares books your orange dust. On the other hand, I'm afraid Cheetos are beginning to have a bad effect on your life that can't be ignored.

Join me! There are thrills! Gyrocopters! VERY lazy skeletons! Industrious dwarfs! Treacherous wizards! Lady wizards who are either sexy lady wizards or very empowering characters depending on which perspective will trick you into experiencing this amazing book right here.



It's all here. Listen up, and if you can, write me a review once you've listened. And do me a favor. Either make it glowing or make it sting. Frankly, a very insane, negative review will be a lot more fun for me to read than an "Eh, it's a thing." So go for broke!

[Meagan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although it's been years since I've seen Army of Darkness, I remember enough for this story to come through for me. It's irreverent, funny, and willfully offensive. But it's an equal-opportunity offender, so... Let's put it this way - if you're a Bruce Campbell fan, and you like South Park, this is for you. It's funny and fast. What have you got to lose?

[Matthew · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to this as I listen to Peter Derk talk as often as possible. I enjoy the author's humor and the way he delivers it himself. I am not familiar with the source material so much, so I was a bit lost, but I still enjoyed it as a stand alone piece.

[Ryon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed this so much, had a smile throughout the whole thing and laughed several times. This was really great.

[Steve Bal4 · Rating 3 out of 5]

"It's funny how when you're an inhuman monster, you forget that it's ok to do some stuff for you sometimes, that you can take a walk or like enjoy sitting on an old log out in nature somewhere."

Sooo, full confession: I've never seen Army of Darkness.
I'm not ignorant; I am aware of it, but, like, I've also never watched any of The Godfather movies, Top Gun, or Gone with the Wind. I'm way behind on the classics apparently. However, I am old enough to be familiar with re-animated skeleton armies via Ray Harryhausen's old-school, stop-motion sequence in Jason and the Argonauts (1963), so there's that at least.

Those undead bone warriors were pretty rad, and relatively competent. But author Peter Derk's Skeleton Army?
Not so much.

And thank God (or whomever is responsible for bringing the dead back to life) really.

In Skeleton Army: a novel of an army of darkness of skeletons, Derk serves up another sumptuous platter of irreverent absurdity in a tale of lazy, boneheaded skeletons hellbent on half-assed evil. Well, no-assed, I suppose...
More great trademark dark, dumb, and inappropriate humour in the same vein as his Ghost Dick: Private Eye or The Heist-iest Heist Ever Heisted (though maybe not quite as over-the-top).

I actually bought and read the paperback version -- because listening to audiobooks is lazy, and certainly not reading! -- but it was entertaining to hear the author read this preposterous creation here:
https://www.helpfulsnowman.com/?p=6925

Also, I did not get any Cheeto dust on my copy.

⭐⭐⭐1/2