Wide Open: My Adventures in Polyamory, Open Marriage, and Loving on My Own Terms

by Gracie X, Carol Queen (Foreword)

At a time when society no longer imposes many sexual taboos, why is open marriage still considered beyond the pale? Written by Gracie X, Wide Open is an enthusiastic, honest, and sometimes raw account of one woman’s experience living polyamorously within the context of her average American family.

Gracie X—a suburban mother of two—has been married to her loving husband, Hank, for 25 years. The problem is that their once-vibrant sex life has shriveled to nothing. Meanwhile, she has fallen in love with another man, for whom she has an overwhelming physical yearning. Frustrated and conflicted but determined not to give up her hard-won home life and wonderful husband, she is desperate for a creative solution.  Can she somehow keep both men in her life without resorting to divorce or dishonesty?

A friend introduces Gracie to loving and being faithful to more than one person at a time. “Poly,” it turns out, is a whole new world, with dedicated counselors, parties, and dating sites. Convincing Hank ended up being the easy he quickly found a girlfriend and accepted Gracie’s terms. Their children, although upset at first, adjusted to having their parents’ “special friends” around, and having Hank and his girlfriend in one duplex, with Gracie and her new boyfriend, Oz, next-door, seemed like an inspired solution. But would trying to go poly create as many problems as it was trying to solve?

In her candid and provocative memoir, Wide Open, Gracie details the years she has spent exploring the poly lifestyle and creating her “chosen family.” A fiercely intelligent feminist, she challenges traditional ideas about monogamy, fidelity, and sexuality. From swinger parties and strip clubs to sex toys and pornography, this is an edgy and thought-provoking read. Yet erotica and tenderness share space here, with Gracie’s true love for both Hank and Oz—as well as her two children—coming through very clearly.

Wide Open reveals—with humor, integrity and heart—how one woman blended love, sex and marriage in unconventional ways and found the fulfillment she was looking for.

Genres: Nonfiction, Polyamory, Sexuality, Memoir, Audiobook, Marriage, Biography

327 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 1, 2015

About the author

Gracie X is an Actress and Author of "Wide Open: A Not So Conventional Love Story” which will be published in September 2015.

A graduate of Bard College, she has worked with Peggy Shaw and Lois Weaver at the WOW Cafe in New York City. Her plays have been produced by ‘Brava! For Women in the Arts”, The Climate Theater, Solo Mio, The Chi Chi Club, The Fringe Festival, The Marsh and Josie’s Juice Joint. Gracie X has toured throughout San Francisco, Vancouver and Los Angeles.

She has been a principal on “Nash Bridges”, and numerous local TV and commercials. Her short film which she wrote, directed and co-stars premiered in the San Francisco Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. It has played at “The Outfest” in Los Angeles, and in Amsterdam, Germany, Seattle, Orlando, and on San Jose’s Public TV channel KTEH. She currently lives in Northern California.

Reviews

[Christy Wilson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've put off writing this review, simply because I'm not sure how to write it. The book stirred all kinds of feelings in me, as a divorced woman in her 40s who has had marriages fail, and multiple relationships fail.

Wide Open tells the story of Gracie, who has been married many years to Hank. From my interpretation of the book, at the time they decided to open their marriage they had been married for 25 years. They had children later in life, so their son and daughter are five and ten when the decision is made.

The book chronicles their odyssey in finding discussing this decision, coming to the decision, the hard ships faced along the way. The ones that Gracie faces while trying to "date" after the decision is made? She faces what many single women in their 40s do. More difficult for us than it is for men - while Hank seems to find someone almost instantly, Gracie has issues. Further, she has feelings for a man named Oz who she taught pilates too and she really yearns to explore a relationship with him.

I found myself taking breaks from the book; yet, I did not want to stop reading. I wanted to know how this decision affected everyone involved (which I do not want to spoil by going into here). Many times, things the author said touched me and I simply had to stop reading to deal a bit with the emotions if stirred.

This book will not be for everyone. Those who do not believe in sex or any kind of intimate relationship outside of their marriage will probably not like it at all. What it did for me is bring up many good points about loving your spouse, even when the "spark" seems to die. How a person, no matter their age, wants to feel desirable and wanted by their partner; and that isn't in just a sexual manner either. It also reiterates my belief that you simply should not judge anyone else's lifestyle. What makes you happy and works for you may not work for others. To judge others and how they achieve their happiness is wrong.

I guess, for me, I was very moved by Gracie's feelings of feeling inadequate, of low self-esteem, and the frustration she felt in dealing with those emotions.

Again, not for everyone. But it was a much needed break for me as far as romance stories and the like.

*ARC provided for honest review*

[João · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was such a hard read, for a variety of reasons. It gets 3.5 stars from me!

I agree with other reviewers that the best thing is Gracie's "unabashed drive to have it all". "All" is, for most of the book, sex. Now, as a sex-positive person, there's nothing wrong with that, but Gracie appears to have focused on it to the exclusion of everything else, thus presenting a very reduced picture of the very interesting woman she seems to be (lots of interests, hobbies, opinions, activism, etc). Knowing that she is a multi-faceted, well-rounded individual, her characterisation of herself as a one-dimensional sex-deprived-and-crazed person is unfortunate. It really does paint a picture of an obsessive sex addict at times, though I know it's not the case. I truly wish I could've known more of the real Gracie.

I would also have expected Gracie, as a feminist, to be a little more LGBTQIA+ aware, especially regarding gender identity, gender roles, etc. I found there were parts of the book that were judgmental, prescriptive or generally perpetuating of gender stereotypes. Maybe I'm just hyper-sensitive though! I would also have expected a more sex-positive attitude from someone who so clearly understands having a big sex drive - at times she's outright judgmental. Casual sex might not work for Gracie, but it works for other people, and that ought to be OK.

SPOILERS: The book also lacks almost any introspection. It is so incredibly strange to see Gracie (and the other people in the book) wanting desperately to do something, getting permission to do it, and then reacting so negatively and without communication when a partner expresses a wish for the same thing. Despite all the mentions of polyamory, the book is mostly about a marriage transitioning to a friendship, and this transition overlapping with a new monogamous romantic and sexual relationship. Ultimately, it seems to be a transition from one monogamous relationship to another, with the big difference from the usual story being that the breakup wasn't a cesspool of hate. This is a monogamy->monogamy transition because the people in the book couldn't necessarily actually give each other the freedom to have other partners.

The conflation of love and sex was also pretty rampant, especially at the beginning, though admittedly it seems as if this was because Gracie was discovering herself as she went along. I wish all of this had been made more clear. Due to the flavour of poly I am intellectually more on board with, none of the above sat particularly well with me.


All of this said, I appreciate Gracie's complete candour immensely. It feels as if all the details were included, from the good to the bad. Lots of people could take a cue from the way Gracie handled her relationships, learning both what to do and what to avoid, which one can determine because the results are also, again candidly, included. There are many, many beautiful and heart-wrenching moments, filled with excitement and despair, and all the emotional rollercoaster you'd expect from such a story. It is worth reading both as a romantic novel as well as a sexual adventure, though the "story arc" is not particularly complex.

This is also a first-person account of the systemic and individual judgment and challenges facing poly people. I would like to think things have changed since the time of the events in the book, but I've heard of the same thing happening recently.

So, the book made me have all the emotions because of empathy towards the characters as well as frustration AT the characters! Recommended despite what I consider to be some relatively significant flaws :)

[Elyse · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought this was going to be interesting but it was kind of trashy. I know nothing of polyamory but I honestly don't think she's practicing polyamory. She's not sleeping with her husband anymore and she's only sleeping with Oz. That's not polyamory. That's just too lazy/cheap for a divorce. And it was really not necessary to include some VERY personal sex stuff that did not add to the book. It made it even less about polyamory. She dabbled in poly but ended up in a monogamous relationship. So this wasn't a very helpful book if you want to learn more about polyamory and it's just not a very good book.

[Pamela · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm not sure what I expected from this book. First person experience, yes.. but perhaps a little more.. Something more clinical, that would explain the why and how rather than a story that comes across strangely unrealistic (IMHO.) I do know people in polyamorous relations (& it works for them) but reading this made it seem messier in some odd way.

[♏Vanessa♏ · Rating 1 out of 5]

I understand this was her journey in the poly world and unconventional relationship, but the entire thing just p!$s me off, big time.
There are spoilers here, do scroll pass if you want to he surprised by her life story.

I appears to me that her deep insecurities made her bend over backwards to her husband and was very accommodating towards the men in her life, but, for a good portion of the story she didn't get the same in return. That annoyed me so much. Her husband and she didn't have sex any more, she accepted the girlfriend and he was happy when she was going on bad dates, but as soon as she gets something more meaningful he gets all insecure.... and to top it all of, he says that having sex with his own wife feels like cheating on his girlfriend and she doesn't go nuclear on him, nor they go to therapy or discuss it further?????? come on.
I detested pushover women and that is how she came across to me. So, had to speed up the story to 3x otherwise I'd've dnfed it .

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received this book through Goodreads Giveaways. I was really interested in reading this book. I know a lot of people with all kinds of relationship structures and by far the unhappiest people I've known have been monogamists. I listened raptly to the stories of my friends and what became clear to me was that the biggest difference between those who were happy, monogamous or not, was the level of communication in the relationship. The depth and spectrum of communication in the relationships of my non-monogamous friends' relationships is amazing, and so I was really excited when I won this book because I was hoping for an opportunity to get an intimate look at the specifics of that kind of communication. On that front, and on many others, this book did not disappoint.

The characters in this book, in this case Gracie, her children, and her chosen family, were described in great detail. Valerie and the younger children were given slightly less detail but that felt appropriate to the age of the children, how well she knew each person, and the focus of the story itself. In no way did she malign anyone's character, even though she had opportunity to do so. Instead she focused of her values and perceptions of the situations she finds herself in. Also worth noting is how Gracie paints herself. She describes in great detail not only who she is but also the aspects of her life that contributed to forming her as a person, she lets you into her perceptions and innermost thoughts and feelings, and most important of all she doesn't paint herself as perfect. She acknowledges her flaws and admits when she's wrong, which I feel is the level of self awareness you need to write a book like this.

The story of Gracie's situation is certainly an interesting one. It is the story of a group of people who dared to be different and the unique challenges they face in doing so. It is a message that we are each responsible for our own happiness, and for the course our lives take. It is also an insight into the repressed rigidity of society itself and how with courage and determination it is possible to pursue our own happiness in a way that works for us.

My favorite thing about this book, which I hinted at in the beginning, was the communication. These are people who being their true feelings out into the open, and really listen to the feelings of others in order to make life better for everyone they care about. Nobody belittles another for having feelings, nor do they sweep them under the rug. They face even the most daunting of emotional challenges head on by bringing them out into the open and discussing them honestly. It is the kind of communication I think every relationship should have.

I would recommend this book to everyone over the age of 18. No matter which relationship philosophy we choose, we can all learn something positive from the communication and dedication to self evolution in this book. You don't have to be interested in living out her story to appreciate it and learn something from it. I'm giving it to my husband to read and I will recommend it to my friends.

(P.S. My husband and I are not poly, the communication model really is just that good.)

[Martha · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wide Open takes you through the evolution of a mother searching for a sense of autonomy, finding it in an unconventional set of relationships that form a new life for herself and her family. As Gracie X begins to explore the capacity of her marriage to evolve into something new, the reader feels the intense variance in emotions that come with the changes. There is not one person portrayed in this book who does not struggle with the course their lives are moving. There isn't one person who goes smoothly along for the ride without their moments of hesitation, fear, jealous, and doubt. In the beginning, this struggle is apparent most strongly between Hank and Grace. Not even there children's needs are very present yet, as the beginning of opening their marriage is somewhat private between Hank and Grace only. But slowly, more people are intergrated in. Grace and Hank both find lasting relationships outside of each other. And suddenly, what once was an intimate experiment of romance becomes a complicated web of emotions that everyone attempts to work out openly and together.

There is plenty of recounting on the sexual experience of our narrator, but the heart of this story is in the evolution of a family. The most important element of this family is their love for each other. Their love for each other is expressed through conscious communication with one another. The journey of this chosen family into a new life together is full of emotional depth and intelligence, and can teach traditional and non-traditional families how to seek out and respond to each other's needs.

[Steve · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think Gracie's memoir can be compared to The Price of Salt, the book that inspired the movie Carol. The plot of Wide Open is similar in many respects to the plot of Carol, but in a more contemporary setting. If you look over time at the arc of change from the 1950s (when The Price of Salt was written) to now, our culture has been through a change from rigidity and non-acceptance to more flexibility, more tolerance and greater acceptance. I think that's a good thing. But, we have a long way to go.
No matter where you stand on ethical non-monogamy; the ideas are important here. Just as it was for same sex couples in the 50s, the rights of people to define their relationships and their own lives and shape their families need to be respected. When done with the best interests of the children in mind, polyamorous families are good families. Gracie X is a great mom and an excellent writer. This book is very well written and her intelligence shows. I recommend this book.

[Sam Stone · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finished this a long time ago. Forgot to note it in Goodreads. This was written about a year ago, but it remains true. This is still my favorite polyamory book...
I think Gracie X's memoir can be compared to The Price of Salt, the book that inspired the movie Carol. The plot of Wide Open is similar in some respects to the plot of Carol, but in a more contemporary setting. If you look over time at the arc of change from the 1950s (when The Price of Salt was written) to now, our culture has been through a change from rigidity and non-acceptance to more flexibility, more tolerance and greater acceptance. I think that's a good thing. But, we have a long way to go.
When done with the best interests of the children in mind, polyamorous families are good families. This is that story. Gracie X is a great mom and an excellent writer. This book is very well written and her intelligence shows. I recommend this book.

[Anastasia · Rating 4 out of 5]

This well-written memoir offers a candid look at one woman’s journey to open her marriage and get her needs met. Married for nearly 25 years, Grace and Hank’s passion was killed off by the quotidian aspects of raising children, a combination of different sex drives and different approaches to working on themselves. But Grace loved and valued Hank, their children, and the life they’d created together. She wanted the opportunity to keep her family while simultaneously having her sexual needs met. Not to mention that she had a strong and loving attraction to one of her Pilates clients. Grace courageously broached to Hank the idea of opening their relationship, and they slowly set out to figure out what worked for them. Grace’s foray into polyamorous dating was hilarious, sexy, and painfully sad. As Grace learned more about “doing poly” as well as the value of her own needs, she realized she needed to create her own rules for being a wonderful mother and having a fulfilling sex life.

[Sarah Asp · Rating 3 out of 5]

I randomly picked up this book on a whim. I had a couple of days to myself and read it in a few 3-4 hour sittings. The main character was a little difficult to like at times. The self delusion and lack of self awareness was obviously and (at least not shyly) elaborated on. Eventually though I found myself relating at least to her core values and wishes. I wouldn't however say this had much to do with open relationships/polyamory but more of a treatise on how we can still remain connected and loving with those for whom we have lost our sexual need for. In my own life I needed to move on from that aspect of a relationship but still wanted to maintain a strong loving friendship. The other party involved would not even consider it and it left me feeling lacking. It would be nice if we could free ourselves of expectations and what most would consider normal.

[Sabrina · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was looking forward to doing my first bit of reading and learning something about polyamory and someone's experience living it.... but I just couldn't get into this book. I don't if it was the topic in general not being as interesting as I expected, the style/writing of the book itself, or maybe me just not being in the right place to absorb it all. I kept putting it down and picking it back up, but it just wasn't working for me. I'm not sure I'm ready to abandon it totally, but for now this is just not the book for me.

I received my copy of this book through Goodreads First Reads program.

[Erin Bossk (Kross) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Many of the reviews I’ve read on this book seemed to approach the author’s story as though it, and her romantic relationships, should fit into a very specific traditional box.
I think Gracie is brave. Flawed, certainly, but brave. I’ve been told since I was very young that I could “have it all,” but only recently have I really thought about what the “all” action means for me.
Gracie’s story inspires me to find the things and the people that feel like MY version of “all,” and fuck the rest.

[Naomi · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the first book I've read by this author.

Gracie details the formulation and follow through of opening her marriage, and deciding what those terms mean. This is the main reason I decided to read this book.

The only thing I wish it contained was a follow-up looooong after the "story" is over, because I feel that's what a lot of people want to know! But of course that's not always possible with a memoir.

A fun read. Definitely couldn't take this one to work because my coworkers would ask too many questions based on the cover alone.

[Dani · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book took me a while to get through, but I would say it was worth the read. It's written in a way that keeps your interest on every page because you want to know how it turns out. I'm honestly wowed at the openness Gracie expressed to so many others in her life. But things are taboo because they are hushed up, so being open about herself was a way to go against the societal pressures.

It would be cool to read a short "where are they now" blurb because it's been almost 8 years since the book came out, and much can change in that amount of time.

[Erin Nieweglowski · Rating 4 out of 5]

Gracie X is a legend. Her memoir on how she handled the ongoing challenges faced when deciding to open her marriage and go against the grain of a “traditional relationship” was inspiring. I like that she didn’t shy away from speaking about the hardships and struggles that she faced. It made her so much more relatable, and also provided and upfront view of how things can change when you are balancing multiple people’s emotions and trying to ensure you are respecting boundaries while not getting lost yourself. 10/10 would recommend.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

At first I was slightly put-off by the fact that she writes like a steamy harlequin writer, but once I got over it, I realized that it all tied-in to her experience and this really was a great peek into a life philosophy that I can get behind. It's hard but might be worthwhile (the lifestyle, not the book). Would recommend.

[Maggie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Memoir. Full of herself.

[Karin · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's well written and entertaining. However, the title is misleading. As another commenter said, it really is more about an amicable separation with two new monogamous relationships ensuing. Though the MC denies it...

Still, labels aside, the struggles feel real and the MCs dedication to make everything work left an impression.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really liked the voice of this author - her energy, her openess, honesty, and vulnerability, her creativity, her bravery - her whole approach to life. While I may not be interested in polyamory for myself, I absolutely aspire to be more like her in many ways. This book started as journal entries, and it reads like a journal in many ways. Having a window onto Gracie's brain is inspiring.

[Nate Deprey · Rating 2 out of 5]

There are probably dozens of compelling cases for polyamory and interesting memoirs about folks making that life choice but this just isn't one of them. The dubious epilogue following the memoirs resolution also didn't help. I spent most of this book somewhere between frustrated and annoyed with Grace and Oz and was ready for it to be over for most of the second half.

[Cat's Bookery · Rating 1 out of 5]

Audiobook
DNF @ 20%

This woman is making no effort to learn and grow. Rather, she's jumping relationship to relationship with the excuse of poly for her emotional cheating and lack of boundary respect. There's no communication between her and her partners.

[D'Arcy White · Rating 3 out of 5]

The narrator was a little too new-agey for me and the timeline jumped around a lot with flashbacks to give context so that you sometimes got lost in the narrative. But it was a quick pleasant read.

[Merry · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a fun read and had more insight than I was anticipating.

[Robyn Maire · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5

[Helen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had only a basic idea what to expect from this book when i was kindly granted a copy from Netgalley. It is very difficult to rate an autobiography as it is based on someone's life experiences so do you rate that or do you rate the way in which it has been written ? I started the book with an "open" mind knowing very little about polyamory or understanding the concept of an open marriage as to how it would work for the individuals involved and i have to say that by the end of the book i am still somewhat confused. To me, and a lot of people would disagree with this, the phrase "have your cake and eat it" springs to mind. I also got the impression of a fair amount of selfishness not as much by "Gracie" but more from the rest of the characters in the book who all wanted it on their own terms.
For those intrigued by the concepts in the title of the book which is mainly what it is about then yes, it will answer some questions but will probably leave you asking more, it is the ideal sort of book for "non prudish" book club that likes to disect the book afterwards. Why there was so much weight placed on the topic of anal sex i have no idea ....

[Elyse P · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was intrigued to read this book after seeing it in a catalog for New Harbinger Publications, which specializes in the genres of mindfulness, Buddhism, etc. (The author's belief systems of wicca, meditation, manifestation, etc. might have been the connection?) In any case, this memoir was an eye-opening look at "poly," as Gracie calls it, particularly as it impacts marriage, relationships, and -- most importantly -- the children of the consenting adults.

[McKenzie Richardson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received a copy of this book from Shelf Awareness.

Overall, I really liked this book. While the writing was simple, it was still well done and easy to read. Gracie X gives in depth coverage of her thoughts and feelings throughout her journey figuring out how to fit all the people she loves into her life.

As someone who does not know much about polyamory and open relationships, I really liked the way Gracie X explores various styles of relationships and describes the conflicts she encountered with mainstream views of love, marriage, and relationships.

The incorporation of the children from each marriage was also an interesting aspect and demonstrates that such relationships can be successful even when children are involved.

There is a decent amount of explicit sex scenes, but they are included to demonstrate the intimacy of the characters in their relationships and to show how the characters grow together. They add to the overall evolution of the story.

A good read that gives some great insight into one example of a poly relationship.

[Idea Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a surprisingly easy book to read. Polyamory is still such a little talked about idea, that one tends to think of openly polyamorous people as very, very different from others. Via her own experiences, Gracie shatters myths about cheating, about dissatisfied marriages, about selfishness, about sexuality.

She also repeatedly speaks of how she and her husband naively believed it would be simple to 'open up their marriage' (a phrase I only recently encountered). Reality turns out to be very different and Gracie struggles with boundary-setting, jealousy and anguish. Just as she starts to make her peace with these, the external world intrudes in the form of her children, angry ex-wives and the law. Gracie's new-agey self may seem too flakey to some but I found it remarkable how she keeps to her core values of not lying, of following her path and wanting to create her own relationships without hurting other people.

It certainly gave me a lot to think about in my own emotions and relationships.

[Tiffany · Rating 4 out of 5]

I won this book in a Goodreads Giveaway in return for my honest opinion. Well here goes...

I told myself from the beginning that I would read this book with an open mind and that not everyone has a relationship like mine. I was intrigued to see how my relationship with my husband may differ from someone else’s. I think that I was very surprised when I found some similarities in my relationship and Gracie X’s relationship. Gracie X definitely opens herself up and lets us all in on her journey into her open relationship. I think that communication is key to a successful relationship. I am not sure if I could be in an open relationship, but if it works for some, then go for it. This book definitely puts it out there. I hope that everyone who reads this book can relate to its openness in some sort of way and maybe it can help someone in their own relationship.