Children of the Aging Self-Absorbed: A Guide to Coping with Difficult, Narcissistic Parents and Grandparents

by Nina W. Brown

Growing up with a parent who is self-absorbed is difficult, and they may become more difficult to deal with as they age. This essential book shows how to cope with your aging parent's narcissistic behavior, and provides tips to help protect yourself and your children from their self-absorbed, destructive actions.

As your self-absorbed parent grows older and becomes more dependent on you, hurtful relationships may resurface and become further strained. In the tradition of Children of the Self-Absorbed, author Nina Brown offers the first book for adult children of aging narcissistic or self-absorbed parents. You will learn practical, powerful strategies for navigating the intense negative feelings that your parents can incite, as well as tips to protect your children from the criticism, blame, or hostility that may exist between you and their grandparent.

In this book, you will gain greater awareness of how and why your parent's self-absorbed behaviors and attitudes get worse, and develop strategies to manage the negative feelings that can arise as a result. You'll also learn to reduce the shame and guilt that may be felt when you feel like you don't want to be a caretaker.  Finally, you'll learn to set limits with your parent so you can stay sane during this difficult time.

Having an aging parent can be stressful enough, but dealing with an aging narcissistic or self-absorbed parent is especially challenging. This essential guide will help you through.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Personal Development, Parenting, Health, Family

226 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 1, 2015

About the author

Nina W. Brown, Ed.D., LPC, is professor and eminent scholar in the Educational Leadership and Counseling Department at Old Dominion University. An expert on narcissism's effects on relationships, she is the author of ten books, including Children of the Self-Absorbed, Working with the Self-Absorbed and Whose Life is it Anyway?

Reviews

[Wendy · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were certain aspects of this book that I found very useful. First, it helps to clarify the characteristics and behaviors of self-absorbed parents, and Brown categorizes them into sub-groups so that you can better understand the types of behavior you're dealing with. So it's very helpful in terms of clarifying and understanding the personality types. Where I thought it fell short was in the coping strategies. I agree with Brown's suggestion that it's futile to confront a parent about his or her behavior or to try to make any self-absorbed person see your side of things. However, she also suggests that while communicating with a difficult parent you never should maintain eye contact. She asserts this several times, and I couldn't help but laugh out loud. You're either talking to the person or you're not. I know with my "difficult" parent, it would just anger her more if she thought I was avoiding eye contact. I would recommend this book to anyone who wants to understand the self-absorbed personality type better, and I think her advice on what not to do is useful, but put the coping strategies in the context of your situation and judge for yourself what you think will work from your own experience.

[Claire · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book starts out with some very helpful information and checklists, quizzes etc on identifying exactly how your disordered parent’s behavior is affecting your life. I enjoyed that section. However, getting further into the constructive sections on attacking these family issues, I find it harder to recommend this work to other readers because the solutions are more geared to keeping adult children perpetually walking on eggshells and in constant fight or flight mode than anything else.
Avoid making eye contact with your parent… orient your body carefully away from them in conversation.. avoid confrontations… use strategies such as giving them a compliment that makes them the center of attention if they do something inappropriate to distress a family member?!

Sorry, but especially for adult children and family members living with PTSD or CPTSD due (or even partly due) to family mental illness, this seems ill advised. Sure, it may never be fruitful to reason with certain types of people but I don’t believe the cost of that should be our own self expression and emotional health. The author, who surprisingly appears to be an expert in this field, advises “emotional insulation” as a principal coping technique which sounds basically to be dissociation.

2 stars just for the first useful section of identifying patterns and traits, again other than that don’t recommend.

[J.D. · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book would have been much stronger if it took into account more of the specific changing decision-making and relationship dynamics that adult children are faced with when their self-absorbed parents become senior citizens, such as becoming direct caregivers to an elderly parent and/or the possibility of them coming to live with you. As it is, the information within it is fairly generalized and could just as easily be applied to situations with any narcissistic adult family member, regardless of age.

The majority of the content is a workbook of sorts: a series of targeted planning exercises to strategize and evaluate your own emotional response in advance to your parent's specific behaviour. It does provide specific suggestions for communication tactics in chapters 9 and 10 to respond to your parent in ways that emotionally protects yourself and your own children and spouse - admirably, strategies worthy of a PR spin doctor or upper management (if you've ever wondered how someone can manage to reply to direct antagonistic confrontation without actually responding to it, this is it).

[Suzanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a much-needed follow up to the author's earlier work on helping adult children of narcissistic parents. With a similar approach as the earlier work, this book provides useful strategies for addressing the myriad negative and hurtful feelings that arise from regular interactions with self-absorbed, narcissistic parents. Nina Brown correctly identifies the crux of the problem for adult children of aging parents, regardless of their narcissism, their dependence requires a level of interaction that cannot be avoided. Therefore some level of useful assistance is required. This book provides just that assistance; it assumes the reader cannot fully avoid the narcissistic relative. The book also provides helpful information about assessment of the self-absorbed relative's narcissism. The book is ideal for individuals that self-identify as needing help, as well as other professionals or friends that interact with either the adult child or aging parent and realize further information could be very helpful. This is a welcome resource. I received my copy from NetGalley.

[C · Rating 4 out of 5]

I tend to have an easier time, in some ways, with my aging self-absorbed parents than my brother who has children. Dealing with the children/grandparent issues seems challenging, and I make big attempts to stay out of that drama as much as possible. I am already implementing most of the advice by Brown, which is validating, and I appreciate the advice that she gives with showing sympathy rather than empathy, if you’re a naturally more empathetic person. I tend to jump in and ask, “What can I do to help?” Then feel frustrated when it’s never appreciated, or expected. Giving and giving is exhausting, and negative ppl are terribly draining, especially when you’re the most neutral party in the family. I’m probably going to listen to this audiobook a few more times!

[Christi · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was okay, good if you read it at the right point in a relationship I think. It had a lot of survival tactics for when a relationship with a parent (or anyone) who is self-absorbed, but that's what they were-survival tactics. Not a lot of healthy/healing advice, not a way to really improve the relationship, just a way to keep it civil without getting triggered. Some things could be helpful, so I'm not knocking it, but I probably wouldn't recommend it either unless you were forced to constantly deal with someone who is self-absorbed and had no idea how to recover from/avoid negative interactions. As with all self-help books, some advice was good and some seemed a little bizarre.

[Brittney Sohar · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good content and suggestions throughout the book. I did notice that it starts to get very repetitive, which is when I started skimming for any new bits of information.

[Beverly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Having a self-absorbed parent can oftentimes feel lonely. People talk only about good times and good relationships. I was looking for something to help guide me in dealing with struggles, when I came across this book.

The book starts with definitions of different types of self-absorption and goes into more detail of what it looks like. Then descriptions of how we react, again with what it looks like. Coping strategies comes next - and how to interact with the self-absorbed parent, based on type. Finishing with ways to improve yourself.

There are exercises to do throughout the book. I didn't do all of them. Of those I did, some were helpful while others I didn't get anything out of.

I didn't notice much (i.e. recommendations) in the book that was specific to aging parents. For instance, how to navigate encouraging a parent (who complains about how much work she has to do) to move to a living situation with less work. Or a host of other conversations and decisions that need to happen as they age and their health declines.

I started reading this book ~9 months ago. I read little sections each week. It's easy to read but there is a lot there, plus the exercises. So, it was good to read in bits and pieces in case there was anything to absorb or mull over.

A huge take away for me was that some of the things I already have been doing, I was on the right track with.

[Margarita · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book identifies four categories of self-absorption and provides strategies on how to handle and cope with each type. Exercises end each chapter to help readers with practical application. While this is a book designed to concentrate on the ageing self-absorbed, it focuses very little on the impacts of ageing nor does it actually address circumstances that come with ageing, like the experience of a primary caregiver. There are many primary caregivers who need to give up their jobs to cope, who are now living directly with the ageing self-absorbed or who are going at caregiving alone, with limited to no additional support. This book doesn’t address any of these circumstances. It is a generally informative read, but doesn’t adequately address certain specificities that come with ageing.

[Katie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh. This book annoyed me with its contradictory coping strategy suggestions, including some suggestions that may only serve to enable or indulge the narcicisstic parent’s behavior vs helping the adult child’s overall well-being. There are some helpful exercises sprinkled throughout the book, but due to its CBT nature, this book reads more like a simplistic workbook that misses the emotional nuances people struggle with when trying to navigate a relationship with their narcicisstic parent. Pass on this one. There are much better books on this same subject.

[Sonya · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some really good and eye-opening information. Definitely gave me a different perspective on how to view the relationship with my aging, self-absorbed parent.
Got a little tedious with all the lists/quizzes and overly explicit instructions to complete them. Also, the last chapter of book was a little rushed…could have been a book on its own.

[Em · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful tips mentioned here to identify characteristics of narcissistic parents and ways to protect oneself from their toxicity. Some of the suggestions are interesting and worth trying out.

[Jane Potter · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great resourse! What type of Narcissist is the parent and technics to minimise distress. I’m reading this so I can help my step daughter.

[Emilija · Rating 5 out of 5]

on point! includes many helpful strategies and techniques. Requires prior acquaitance with the topic though.

[Jessalyn King · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a really hard read, for obvious reasons. I think it's important to be able to go through and classify the parent, even if there were fewer helpful coping strategies as I'd hoped.

[Allison · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book. She says it like it is. Incredibly insightful and practical advice about how to protect yourself from the self-absorbed parent.

[Lianne]

I wish I had read this when I was raising my children but it is still helpful at this stage (I am in my late sixties and my self-absorbed parents are 89 and 91). Well worth the time and energy. I learned strategies that it is not too late to use.

[ed Lucas]

erful resource for anyone in cintact with a mentally ill elderly person. Great tips and clear illness definition, Always a wonderfuk resource.

[Bret Jarvis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super informative. I read it and gave it to a friend that it really made a difference for.

[Brittany Whittaker]

My parents are nothing like this. But my ex is and it was very helpful for me to hopefully deal with him better in the future when we communicate