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L'apprentissage de l'imperfection (Evol - dev't personnel)
315
320 pages, Pocket Book
First published January 1, 2009
306 people are currently reading
6075 people want to read
About the author
Tal Ben-Shahar
31 books326 followersTal Ben-Shahar (Hebrew: טל בן-שחר, also known as Tal David Ben-Shachar) is an Israeli teacher and writer in the areas of positive psychology and leadership.
Tal Ben-Shahar taught at Harvard, where his classes on Positive Psychology and The Psychology of Leadership were among the most popular courses in the University's history. Today Tal teaches at the Interdisciplinary Center, Herzliya.
Tal received his PhD in Organizational Behavior from Harvard University. His dissertation, completed in 2004, is titled "Restoring Self-Esteem's Self-Esteem: The Constructs of Dependent and Independent Competence and Worth." Additionally, he also holds a Bachelor of Arts (B.A.) from Harvard in Philosophy and Psychology. His undergraduate thesis, completed in 1996, is titled "Honesty Pays: Bridging the Gap Between Moral Theory and Practice."
Tal consults and lectures around the world to executives in multi-national corporations, Fortune 500 companies, educational institutions, and the general public. Topics include leadership, education, ethics, happiness, self-esteem, resilience, goal setting, and mindfulness. He is the author of the international best sellers Happier and Being Happy, which have been translated into 25 languages.
[Sourced from his wikipedia article.]
Tal Ben-Shahar taught at Harvard, where his classes on Positive Psychology and The Psychology of Leadership were among the most popular courses in the University's history. Today Tal teaches at the Interdisciplinary Center, Herzliya.
Tal received his PhD in Organizational Behavior from Harvard University. His dissertation, completed in 2004, is titled "Restoring Self-Esteem's Self-Esteem: The Constructs of Dependent and Independent Competence and Worth." Additionally, he also holds a Bachelor of Arts (B.A.) from Harvard in Philosophy and Psychology. His undergraduate thesis, completed in 1996, is titled "Honesty Pays: Bridging the Gap Between Moral Theory and Practice."
Tal consults and lectures around the world to executives in multi-national corporations, Fortune 500 companies, educational institutions, and the general public. Topics include leadership, education, ethics, happiness, self-esteem, resilience, goal setting, and mindfulness. He is the author of the international best sellers Happier and Being Happy, which have been translated into 25 languages.
[Sourced from his wikipedia article.]
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 173 reviews
September 22, 2015
This big idea of the book is to give you tool to get out of pursuing a life of perfection. The author also offers a more realistic alternative to a perfectionist, becoming an optimalist. Overall the book is loaded with great ideas and lessons on emotional mastery and happiness. My favorite quote is: "Perfectionism and optimalism are not distinct ways of being, an either-or choice, but rather they coexist in each person. And while we can move from perfectionism toward optimalism, we never fully leave perfectionism behind and never fully reach optimalism ahead. The optimalism ideal is not a distant shore to be reached but a distant star that guides us and can never be reached. As Carl Rogers pointed out,‘The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination." The analogy of the distant star and the shore instantly became my favorite analogy for perfectionism. I found this books to be incredible relevant to my own life as I find myself stuck in trying to make things perfect, ranging from writing to making videos and in almost every business decision. When it doesn't go perfect often I would be too hard on mysself. This book helped me get a better perspective on understanding why perfectionism can hold people back in life from true happiness. Highly recommended book, it's very easy read and listen to, definitely grab a copy!
July 25, 2016
Several interesting points about perfectionism. I liked the author’s views on the consequences in the individual’s relationship and society in general, e.g work, parenting and marriage. 3.5 stars
Favourite quotes:
“We now have a workforce full of people who need constant reassurance and can’t take criticism. Not a recipe for success in business, where taking on challenges, showing persistence, and admitting and correcting mistakes are essential.”
A new generation of children is being raised by adults who applaud loudly and reprimand meekly. One reason for doing so is the natural desire of parents and educators to be liked and the assumption that the child will like them more if they are generous with praise and frugal with criticism.
We convince ourselves that there is no limit to how far we can push ourselves, that just as science produces better, faster, more reliable and steady machines, we too can hone our abilities through modifying our nature. Adhering to the unconstrained view of human nature, we attempt to train ourselves to need less downtime—to sleep less, to rest less, to cease less—to do more and stretch ourselves beyond our limits. But, like it or not, there is a limit, and if we continue to violate nature’s demands, to abuse ourselves, we will pay the price—individually and as a society. The rising levels of mental health problems, coupled with improved psychiatric medication, are thrusting us toward a brave new world.
More and more couples engage in public displays of contention. Sanctioned by our culture of reality shows that have brought voyeurism to prime-time television, many couples feel comfortable airing their dirty laundry in public. Strife, when public, adds humiliation to the equation, embarrassing not only the person being chastised but also those who are forced to witness the interaction. In essence, what a relationship needs is basic respect and common courtesy.
One of the most significant benefits of suffering is that it breeds a deep respect for reality, for what is. While the experience of joy connects us to the realm of infinite possibilities, the experience of pain reminds us of our limitations.
Favourite quotes:
“We now have a workforce full of people who need constant reassurance and can’t take criticism. Not a recipe for success in business, where taking on challenges, showing persistence, and admitting and correcting mistakes are essential.”
A new generation of children is being raised by adults who applaud loudly and reprimand meekly. One reason for doing so is the natural desire of parents and educators to be liked and the assumption that the child will like them more if they are generous with praise and frugal with criticism.
We convince ourselves that there is no limit to how far we can push ourselves, that just as science produces better, faster, more reliable and steady machines, we too can hone our abilities through modifying our nature. Adhering to the unconstrained view of human nature, we attempt to train ourselves to need less downtime—to sleep less, to rest less, to cease less—to do more and stretch ourselves beyond our limits. But, like it or not, there is a limit, and if we continue to violate nature’s demands, to abuse ourselves, we will pay the price—individually and as a society. The rising levels of mental health problems, coupled with improved psychiatric medication, are thrusting us toward a brave new world.
More and more couples engage in public displays of contention. Sanctioned by our culture of reality shows that have brought voyeurism to prime-time television, many couples feel comfortable airing their dirty laundry in public. Strife, when public, adds humiliation to the equation, embarrassing not only the person being chastised but also those who are forced to witness the interaction. In essence, what a relationship needs is basic respect and common courtesy.
One of the most significant benefits of suffering is that it breeds a deep respect for reality, for what is. While the experience of joy connects us to the realm of infinite possibilities, the experience of pain reminds us of our limitations.
March 14, 2021
Starts off with an ok discussion of perfectionism but the author starts to include way too much of his political bias into the book after the first chapter or two. Way too much pro capitalist and pro corporate organizational behavior crap. Praises corporate capitalist leaders like Bill Gates and JP Morgan and argues that any criticism of their negative traits and actions is invalid because they did things that are significant.
This wouldn't have bothered me so much until the end of the book when he starts talking about how it would be great if the world put less money into the beauty industry and more into programs for lifelong learning. Sure, honey, but capitalism wants the beauty industry to be what it is and those business leaders are just so amazing too, right? Super weird and hypocritical to laud a system for how great it is, discuss its leaders as beyond reproach because everyone makes mistakes, and then criticize one of that curent system's main components because it fits his values better.
But then, I guess, if we criticize anyone, we're just saying that failure is bad, right? Like, what a dumb argument. If I could give this a 0, I would.
This wouldn't have bothered me so much until the end of the book when he starts talking about how it would be great if the world put less money into the beauty industry and more into programs for lifelong learning. Sure, honey, but capitalism wants the beauty industry to be what it is and those business leaders are just so amazing too, right? Super weird and hypocritical to laud a system for how great it is, discuss its leaders as beyond reproach because everyone makes mistakes, and then criticize one of that curent system's main components because it fits his values better.
But then, I guess, if we criticize anyone, we're just saying that failure is bad, right? Like, what a dumb argument. If I could give this a 0, I would.
April 17, 2019
There is some good information in this book, but there's also some places were Ben-Shahar completely goes off the rails. It's like his research hit his personal prejudices like a wall and exploded in a shower of cognitive dissonance. For example, there's this bizarre political bit in the middle. It appears that he was unable to accept that both ends of the political spectrum have some ideas that work well with human nature, and some that require humans to fundamentally change. Therefore, in order to make his argument, he has to contrast his side's moderate position against a twisted strawman of the opposition's extreme flank.
What really earns the two-star rating, however, is that Ben-Shahar has disturbingly inaccurate ideas of how modern antidepressants work. Antidepressants do not stop you from feeling negative emotions or 'make you happy'. It's closer to the opposite; they enable someone who needs to feel all of their emotions and process them. Because of his misinformation on this issue, I just can't recommend the book.
What really earns the two-star rating, however, is that Ben-Shahar has disturbingly inaccurate ideas of how modern antidepressants work. Antidepressants do not stop you from feeling negative emotions or 'make you happy'. It's closer to the opposite; they enable someone who needs to feel all of their emotions and process them. Because of his misinformation on this issue, I just can't recommend the book.
May 14, 2016
I'm starting to think that perfectionism is an epidemic. Some good takeaways from this book.
Here are my favorite clips:
For the perfectionist, achieving his goal is the only thing that matters. The process of getting there - the journey- is meaningless to him. He views the journey as simply a series of obstacles that have to be negotiated in order to get to wherever it is that he wants to be. In this sense, the perfectionists's life is a rat race. He is unable to enjoy the here and now because he is completely engrossed in his obsession with the next promotion, the next prize, the next milestone - which he believes will make him happy.
For the perfectionist there is only one way to get where he wants to go, and that route is a straight line. The path he sets for himself (as well as for others) is rigid and static. Rigidity in the perfectionist stems, at least in part, from his obsessive need for control. The perfectionist tries to control every aspect of his life because he fears that if he were to relinquish some control, his world would fall apart.
The all-or-nothing approach - the idea that work that is not done perfectly is not worth doing at all - leads to procrastination and, more generally, to inefficient use of time.
Research by psychologist Daryl Bem shows that we form attitudes about ourselves in the same way that we form attitudes about others, namely, through observation. If we see a man helping others, we conclude that he is kind; if we see a woman standing up for her beliefs, we conclude that she is principled and courageous. Similarly, we draw conclusions about ourselves by observing our own behavior. (self-perception theory)
In the same way that scientists were only able to make significant advances in technology by accepting the laws of physical nature - of gravity and thermodynamics, for instance - we too can only grow and lead richer, fuller lives by accepting the laws of human nature. And, like it or not, painful emotions are part of that nature.
It is about recognizing that at every moment in our life we have a choice - to be afraid and yet to act courageously, to feel jealous and yet to act benevolently, to accept being human and act with humanity.
If I aspire to win Olympic gold and actually take home the silver, my self-esteem will drop. But if all I aspire to is participating in the Olympics and I end up winning a bronze medal, my self-esteem will rise.
While it seems obvious that you cannot work 14 hours a day and remain fit and healthy and be a devoted father and husband, in my perfectionist fantasy world, nothing was impossible.
The narrow approach of the perfectionist - attempting to attain perfection in every area of life - inevitably leads to compromise and frustration: given the real constraints of time, it really is impossible to do it all.
Happiness is mainly contingent on our state of mind rather than on our status or the state of our bank account.
Tunnel vision - focusing on a small part of reality while essentially ignoring the rest. For example, if there are 20 students attending my lecture and one of them is asleep, focusing my attention exclusively on the sleeping student to the exclusion of all the other students in the class is tunnel vision. Conversely, if 19 of them are asleep and only one is listening to what I have to say, concluding that my lecture was a success because one student was intellectually engaged is also a form of tunnel vision.
For example, under work, your ideal might be 80 hours a week. Given other constraints and desires; that may not be realistic. Good enough for you might be 50 hours a week. Ideal in the friendship category might be meeting friends every night after work; good enough might be 2 evenings a week. In a perfect world, you would play 15 rounds of gold a month; 3 rounds a month, though, might be good enough.
"It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not." - James Gordon
Those who valued a certain positive trait had difficulty changing its negative counterpart - those who valued consistency, for example, had difficulty becoming less rigid because deep down, subconsciously, they feared it would mean becoming less consistent. Along similar lines, people do not give up excessive feelings of guilt because they do not want to lose their sensitivity; they continue to worry out of proportion to the situation they are dealing with, because they fear that not worrying will mean not being responsible.
To be able to change, we need a nuanced understanding of what exactly it is that we want to get rid of and what we want to keep. Researcher Dina Nir writes about the importance of unbundling, the process of taking a particular quality and separating it into two or more distinct and explicitly defined sub-aspects. Ask: What does perfectionism mean to me? What do I gain from being a perfectionist? What aspects of perfectionism do I want to keep? Which elements do I want to get rid of?
One of the most useful methods that I have found for dealing with disturbing emotions associated with failure, whether it is fear of failure or the agony of having made a mistake, is to follow the PRP process: giving myself permission to be human, reconstructing the situation, and gaining a wider perspective.
While coming up with solutions to a friend's problems may make us feel helpful and competent, it often has the opposite effect on the friend.
Barring extreme situations when, for instance, suicidal thoughts and feelings are involved, painful emotions should not be so readily medicated away.
One of the most significant benefits of suffering is that it breeds a deep respect for reality, for what is.
Not only do we make ourselves unhappy when we suppress emotions, when we pretend, but we make others unhappy as well. In this way, the great deception (pretending that we are really happy when we are not) contributes to the great depression (to the rising levels of unhappiness in the world). In putting on the facade, we communicate to others that everyone is doing just great, except for them, which makes them feel worse and even more determined to hide their pain. By perpetually hiding our emotions, we don't give others permission to share their own.
The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination. - Carl Rogers
Here are my favorite clips:
For the perfectionist, achieving his goal is the only thing that matters. The process of getting there - the journey- is meaningless to him. He views the journey as simply a series of obstacles that have to be negotiated in order to get to wherever it is that he wants to be. In this sense, the perfectionists's life is a rat race. He is unable to enjoy the here and now because he is completely engrossed in his obsession with the next promotion, the next prize, the next milestone - which he believes will make him happy.
For the perfectionist there is only one way to get where he wants to go, and that route is a straight line. The path he sets for himself (as well as for others) is rigid and static. Rigidity in the perfectionist stems, at least in part, from his obsessive need for control. The perfectionist tries to control every aspect of his life because he fears that if he were to relinquish some control, his world would fall apart.
The all-or-nothing approach - the idea that work that is not done perfectly is not worth doing at all - leads to procrastination and, more generally, to inefficient use of time.
Research by psychologist Daryl Bem shows that we form attitudes about ourselves in the same way that we form attitudes about others, namely, through observation. If we see a man helping others, we conclude that he is kind; if we see a woman standing up for her beliefs, we conclude that she is principled and courageous. Similarly, we draw conclusions about ourselves by observing our own behavior. (self-perception theory)
In the same way that scientists were only able to make significant advances in technology by accepting the laws of physical nature - of gravity and thermodynamics, for instance - we too can only grow and lead richer, fuller lives by accepting the laws of human nature. And, like it or not, painful emotions are part of that nature.
It is about recognizing that at every moment in our life we have a choice - to be afraid and yet to act courageously, to feel jealous and yet to act benevolently, to accept being human and act with humanity.
If I aspire to win Olympic gold and actually take home the silver, my self-esteem will drop. But if all I aspire to is participating in the Olympics and I end up winning a bronze medal, my self-esteem will rise.
While it seems obvious that you cannot work 14 hours a day and remain fit and healthy and be a devoted father and husband, in my perfectionist fantasy world, nothing was impossible.
The narrow approach of the perfectionist - attempting to attain perfection in every area of life - inevitably leads to compromise and frustration: given the real constraints of time, it really is impossible to do it all.
Happiness is mainly contingent on our state of mind rather than on our status or the state of our bank account.
Tunnel vision - focusing on a small part of reality while essentially ignoring the rest. For example, if there are 20 students attending my lecture and one of them is asleep, focusing my attention exclusively on the sleeping student to the exclusion of all the other students in the class is tunnel vision. Conversely, if 19 of them are asleep and only one is listening to what I have to say, concluding that my lecture was a success because one student was intellectually engaged is also a form of tunnel vision.
For example, under work, your ideal might be 80 hours a week. Given other constraints and desires; that may not be realistic. Good enough for you might be 50 hours a week. Ideal in the friendship category might be meeting friends every night after work; good enough might be 2 evenings a week. In a perfect world, you would play 15 rounds of gold a month; 3 rounds a month, though, might be good enough.
"It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not." - James Gordon
Those who valued a certain positive trait had difficulty changing its negative counterpart - those who valued consistency, for example, had difficulty becoming less rigid because deep down, subconsciously, they feared it would mean becoming less consistent. Along similar lines, people do not give up excessive feelings of guilt because they do not want to lose their sensitivity; they continue to worry out of proportion to the situation they are dealing with, because they fear that not worrying will mean not being responsible.
To be able to change, we need a nuanced understanding of what exactly it is that we want to get rid of and what we want to keep. Researcher Dina Nir writes about the importance of unbundling, the process of taking a particular quality and separating it into two or more distinct and explicitly defined sub-aspects. Ask: What does perfectionism mean to me? What do I gain from being a perfectionist? What aspects of perfectionism do I want to keep? Which elements do I want to get rid of?
One of the most useful methods that I have found for dealing with disturbing emotions associated with failure, whether it is fear of failure or the agony of having made a mistake, is to follow the PRP process: giving myself permission to be human, reconstructing the situation, and gaining a wider perspective.
While coming up with solutions to a friend's problems may make us feel helpful and competent, it often has the opposite effect on the friend.
Barring extreme situations when, for instance, suicidal thoughts and feelings are involved, painful emotions should not be so readily medicated away.
One of the most significant benefits of suffering is that it breeds a deep respect for reality, for what is.
Not only do we make ourselves unhappy when we suppress emotions, when we pretend, but we make others unhappy as well. In this way, the great deception (pretending that we are really happy when we are not) contributes to the great depression (to the rising levels of unhappiness in the world). In putting on the facade, we communicate to others that everyone is doing just great, except for them, which makes them feel worse and even more determined to hide their pain. By perpetually hiding our emotions, we don't give others permission to share their own.
The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination. - Carl Rogers
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 27, 2009
My boyfriend's father, after reading this book I presume, gave a copy to both my boyfriend and my boyfriend's brother and sister-in-law. I opened up this book and read one chapter, and knew I should read the rest. And so I did... and felt like I was reading a book about myself in many cases. Pursuit of Perfect is worth a second read... some parts were obvious, but other parts, especially the meditations at the end, might be really good for me.
Because I did an excessive amount of underlining when I read this book, rather than a typical book review, I will post several of my favorite passages from the book. Anyone who knows me well will understand immediately why I read this book, and why these passages mean a lot to me personally and professionally.
"... a growth mind-set is that our abilities are malleable - that they can, and do, change throughout our lives; we are born with certain abilities, but these provide a mere starting point, and to succeed we have to apply ourselves, dedicate time, invest a great deal of effort" (122).
"The attempt to actively suppress a thought, to fight it and block it, keeps it fresh and intense. Similarly, emotions such as anxiety, anger, or envy intensify when we try to suppress them, when we try to fight them and block their natural flow" (43).
"[Recovery on the macrolevel is about taking a vacation - a week to a month off at least once a year.:] While many Type A individuals feel guilty taking time off, they should keep in mind that relaxing for a while is a good investment. We get our best ideas and are most creative when we introduce space into our tight schedules" (145).
"Failure has taught me things about myself that I could have learned in no other way... The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity" (21).
"We need to accept that we sometimes do not and cannot know. We need to embrace uncertainty in order to feel more comfortable in its presence" (222).
"... Then, the next time we face a fork in the road - which is right now and at every other moment in our life - rather than approaching it with fear over not fully knowing what lies ahead or behind or right in front of us, we can learn to approach it with awe. We are, after all, living miracles" (224).
Because I did an excessive amount of underlining when I read this book, rather than a typical book review, I will post several of my favorite passages from the book. Anyone who knows me well will understand immediately why I read this book, and why these passages mean a lot to me personally and professionally.
"... a growth mind-set is that our abilities are malleable - that they can, and do, change throughout our lives; we are born with certain abilities, but these provide a mere starting point, and to succeed we have to apply ourselves, dedicate time, invest a great deal of effort" (122).
"The attempt to actively suppress a thought, to fight it and block it, keeps it fresh and intense. Similarly, emotions such as anxiety, anger, or envy intensify when we try to suppress them, when we try to fight them and block their natural flow" (43).
"[Recovery on the macrolevel is about taking a vacation - a week to a month off at least once a year.:] While many Type A individuals feel guilty taking time off, they should keep in mind that relaxing for a while is a good investment. We get our best ideas and are most creative when we introduce space into our tight schedules" (145).
"Failure has taught me things about myself that I could have learned in no other way... The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity" (21).
"We need to accept that we sometimes do not and cannot know. We need to embrace uncertainty in order to feel more comfortable in its presence" (222).
"... Then, the next time we face a fork in the road - which is right now and at every other moment in our life - rather than approaching it with fear over not fully knowing what lies ahead or behind or right in front of us, we can learn to approach it with awe. We are, after all, living miracles" (224).
August 16, 2021
أكثر من شهرٍ ونصف في قراءة هذا الكتاب، وتحليل نفسي من خلال مقاربة ظاهرة الهوس بالمثالية.. استفدت إلى الغاية منه، ومن أغلب الفصول والتأملات.
كما قال المؤلف، الكتاب لا يقرأ كما تقرأ الروايات والكتب الخفيفة، وإنما يحتاج جلسات هادئة وواعية لقراءة أعماق النفس
موضوعات وأفكار كثيرة أخرى لم ترقني إذ أنها لا تناسب منظةمتي القيمية، لكنني ممتنة للّه أنني قرأته كاملاً بتأنٍّ
محرّم 1443
كما قال المؤلف، الكتاب لا يقرأ كما تقرأ الروايات والكتب الخفيفة، وإنما يحتاج جلسات هادئة وواعية لقراءة أعماق النفس
موضوعات وأفكار كثيرة أخرى لم ترقني إذ أنها لا تناسب منظةمتي القيمية، لكنني ممتنة للّه أنني قرأته كاملاً بتأنٍّ
محرّم 1443
October 30, 2023
It's time to quit being a perfectionist and start being an optimalist. This book will show you how.
“Perfectionism and optimalism are not distinct ways of being, an either-or choice, but rather they coexist in each person. And while we can move from perfectionism toward optimalism, we never fully leave perfectionism behind and never fully reach optimalism ahead. The optimalism ideal is not a distant shore to be reached but a distant star that guides us and can never be reached. As Carl Rogers pointed out, ‘The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.”
~ Tal Ben-Shahar from The Pursuit of Perfect
Tal Ben-Shahar is quickly becoming my favorite author/teacher.
In fact, he might already be there. :)
As a former Harvard professor who taught THE most popular class in Harvard’s history (on Positive Psychology), he’s an incredible blend of brilliant thinker, passionate teacher, scientific-realist and get-out-and-rock-it-dreamer. LOVE. It.
His first book, Happier, provides us with an inspiring snap shot on the science of happiness packed with wisdom and exercises we can immediately apply to our lives.
This book is all about understanding the perils of pursuing a life of perfection and offers an empowering alternative: the way of the “Optimalist.”
It’s one of those books that’s an absolute joy to read because the book is basically one unending string of *really* Great Ideas. If you resonate with the ideas below, I think you’ll LOVE the book.
Some of my favorite big ideas from this book include:
1. Perfectionism vs. Optimalism.
2. Fault Finders vs. Benefit finders.
3. Time to Fail More? - Seriously. Get on that! :)
4. Active Acceptance & Choices and actions.
5. Appreciate - Two meanings.
6. How Many Legs - Does that dog have?
7. Psychological “Injuries” - How’s your rest?
8. Recovery - Micro, mid & macro.
9. Event --> Thought --> Emotion.
10. The Platinum Rule - Start with the “I.”
I’ve summarized those Big Ideas in a video review that you can watch here: https://youtu.be/MRZZUmzX2pU?feature=...
I’ve also added The Pursuit of Perfect by Tal Ben-Shahar to my collection of Philosopher’s Notes--distilling the Big Ideas into 6-page PDF and 20-minute MP3s on 600+ of the BEST self-development books ever. You can get access to all of those plus a TON more over at https://heroic.us.
“Perfectionism and optimalism are not distinct ways of being, an either-or choice, but rather they coexist in each person. And while we can move from perfectionism toward optimalism, we never fully leave perfectionism behind and never fully reach optimalism ahead. The optimalism ideal is not a distant shore to be reached but a distant star that guides us and can never be reached. As Carl Rogers pointed out, ‘The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.”
~ Tal Ben-Shahar from The Pursuit of Perfect
Tal Ben-Shahar is quickly becoming my favorite author/teacher.
In fact, he might already be there. :)
As a former Harvard professor who taught THE most popular class in Harvard’s history (on Positive Psychology), he’s an incredible blend of brilliant thinker, passionate teacher, scientific-realist and get-out-and-rock-it-dreamer. LOVE. It.
His first book, Happier, provides us with an inspiring snap shot on the science of happiness packed with wisdom and exercises we can immediately apply to our lives.
This book is all about understanding the perils of pursuing a life of perfection and offers an empowering alternative: the way of the “Optimalist.”
It’s one of those books that’s an absolute joy to read because the book is basically one unending string of *really* Great Ideas. If you resonate with the ideas below, I think you’ll LOVE the book.
Some of my favorite big ideas from this book include:
1. Perfectionism vs. Optimalism.
2. Fault Finders vs. Benefit finders.
3. Time to Fail More? - Seriously. Get on that! :)
4. Active Acceptance & Choices and actions.
5. Appreciate - Two meanings.
6. How Many Legs - Does that dog have?
7. Psychological “Injuries” - How’s your rest?
8. Recovery - Micro, mid & macro.
9. Event --> Thought --> Emotion.
10. The Platinum Rule - Start with the “I.”
I’ve summarized those Big Ideas in a video review that you can watch here: https://youtu.be/MRZZUmzX2pU?feature=...
I’ve also added The Pursuit of Perfect by Tal Ben-Shahar to my collection of Philosopher’s Notes--distilling the Big Ideas into 6-page PDF and 20-minute MP3s on 600+ of the BEST self-development books ever. You can get access to all of those plus a TON more over at https://heroic.us.
October 23, 2009
Good mix of information. A lot of references to sources I've read in the past - but good to see them reinforced again. Deals with the concept of failure and perfectionism and the preferred way to handle some situations. not life changing - but an interesting read that has made me think about myself a bit differently.
December 7, 2020
I wouldn't say it's a masterpiece but I found it very useful as a perfectionist. I will definitely take many of the tips with me.
September 27, 2025
vá nei þessi var stunnin, mun lesa aftur einn daginn bókað. ick að hann tali vel um ísrael en hverjum þykir jú sinn fugl fagur og þetta var gefið út löngu fyrir núverandi stöðu mála
June 11, 2012
Ex-perfectionist, Positive Psychologist and now converted Optimalist, Tal Ben-Shahar's dissertation is about the "positive"s of his new status, as an optimiser of his time, energy and emotions and the "negatives" of being a Perfectionist. To me, his theory is simplistic, to say the least, using oodles of dichotomies like:
Positive or Negative, Good or Bad, Success or Failure, Appreciate or Depreciate, Mindful or Mindless
Happiness or Sadness, Acceptance or Rejection, Perfectionist or Optimalist.
I guess that comes with the territory of being a "Positive" psychologist as opposed to being a "Negative" one. That is: a world of simplistic, black and white concepts.
From the labelling of Plato as a Perfectionist and Aristotle an Optimalist, he paints what I think is a biased picture to try convert me into his way of thinking and life-balance choices.
Blaming the worlds woes on Perfectionist thinking, from Pol Pot to Stalin, and failed communist states, he seems to concludes that his dissertation on the Perfectionist and Optimalism is basically flawed as both poles, do not actually exist in reality as each one is more of an ideal to be aspired to.
Having excellent references to interesting philosophical and psychology theories to prove his point, he actually opens up the debate to reveal what I consider are the flaws in his theory.
Although, at times frustrating for me to read because of his obvious biases he has put a lot of effort into this book and that alone makes it worth reading and appreciated.
Thanks for your book, flaws and our recent discussion Tal.
My verdict? Not perfect!
Positive or Negative, Good or Bad, Success or Failure, Appreciate or Depreciate, Mindful or Mindless
Happiness or Sadness, Acceptance or Rejection, Perfectionist or Optimalist.
I guess that comes with the territory of being a "Positive" psychologist as opposed to being a "Negative" one. That is: a world of simplistic, black and white concepts.
From the labelling of Plato as a Perfectionist and Aristotle an Optimalist, he paints what I think is a biased picture to try convert me into his way of thinking and life-balance choices.
Blaming the worlds woes on Perfectionist thinking, from Pol Pot to Stalin, and failed communist states, he seems to concludes that his dissertation on the Perfectionist and Optimalism is basically flawed as both poles, do not actually exist in reality as each one is more of an ideal to be aspired to.
Having excellent references to interesting philosophical and psychology theories to prove his point, he actually opens up the debate to reveal what I consider are the flaws in his theory.
Although, at times frustrating for me to read because of his obvious biases he has put a lot of effort into this book and that alone makes it worth reading and appreciated.
Thanks for your book, flaws and our recent discussion Tal.
My verdict? Not perfect!
November 27, 2015
Gostei bastante deste livro. Nunca tinha lido nada deste género e tinha até uma ideia diferente e um pouco preconceituosa sobre os livros de desenvolvimento pessoal, mas depois de ler tão boa críticas sobre os livros do Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar, decidi que devia tentar, especialmente por os títulos serem bastante interessantes. Aprendi bastante sobre a condição dos perfeccionistas e aprendi a dar nome a muitas situações e sentimentos que vivi e ainda vou viver. Decidi seguir o conselho do autor e ler devagar para apreender melhor o conteúdo e confesso que senti menos pressão ao fazê-lo, sem achar que 'devia' acabar de o ler depressa. Passei a sentir-me mais positiva e pensar duas vezes antes de reagir. Recomendo vivamente este livro e espero ler outros no futuro.
October 26, 2015
Nice book on treating your perfectionism. It contains several nice receipts on changing your attitude to life and to your own achievements to make them make you feel happy and fully feel your life. The first part contains big theory-filled chapters describing origins of negative treats of perfectionism and related problems you can have due to them. They prove why you shouldn't reject any feelings and emotions even if they are considered as 'bad', 'wrong' or 'unproductive' (greetings to animation masterpiece 'Inside Out'). And the second part of the book is dedicated to changing the world view from 'perfectionist' to 'optimalist' to reach your personal goals but avoid negative effect of enormous perfectionism.
June 10, 2022
Loved every word of it! So much wisdom packed into such a short book. I took my time with it, let every sentence sink in and get reinforced by the helpful hands-on exercises. Being an adamant perfectionist myself, most of my life I have been stubbornly (and now I see arrogantly) dismissing and neglecting the constraints of reality and my limited potential as a human being continuously demanding more, better, faster results from myself no matter how I felt. This book is a great reminder to all of us out there who are struggling with perfectionistic tendencies to be more realistic, kinder, compassionate, and accepting towards ourselves. After all, the perfect is the enemy of the good, isn’t it?!
July 14, 2024
Bok som handlar om vad perfektionism är, hur de flesta personerna är perfektionistiska i en eller flera delar av sina liv, varför det är dåligt, vad man kan göra åt det osv. Jag tyckte om boken. Den fick mig att reflektera över vilka delar av mitt egna liv där perfektionism förstör för mig. Det fanns många bra övningar som jag gjorde i min dagbok och som jag tyckte om.
November 21, 2022
mouais... c'est bien mais c'est très long d'être le meilleur livre de développement perso que j'ai lu ou alors c'était vraiment pas pour moi
August 24, 2025
très dommage de ne pas pouvoir mettre 0 étoile…
December 6, 2023
Great refresher for people on morality and philosophy of morality
December 18, 2025
I don't really read self-help or pop psychology but even I found this book helpful.
May 5, 2025
If you are in doubt about reading this book, go on and read it. It is easy to read and understand and wont take much of your time, but will very likely be worth it. At least if you (sometimes) think of yourself as a perfectionist.
It mixes abstract thought and theory with practical advice and regularly includes small „exercises“ one can spend some time thinking about, in order to apply what was previously learned.
It mixes abstract thought and theory with practical advice and regularly includes small „exercises“ one can spend some time thinking about, in order to apply what was previously learned.
December 19, 2024
Working on optimalism and not perfectionism. The info didn't stick easily in my brain but as I was reading it was all logical and validating.
December 11, 2014
Tal Ben-Shahar is one of my favourite authors on positive psychology and this book reaffirms it. According to Ben-Shahar, one of the major obstacles to becoming happier is because we aspire to a life that is perfect. There is a general assumption that truly happy people are immune from feeling sadness, fear, anxiety or setbacks in life. While positive perfectionism is adaptive and healthy, and motivates us to work hard, negative perfectionism is maladaptive and neurotic with an intense fear of failure. Ben-Shahar refer to positive perfectionism as Optimalism, and it is this aspect that we need to cultivate. The Optimalist accepts that setbacks, failures, painful emotions are part of life. This acceptance of reality allows the Optimalist to feel real satisfaction and pleasure from success, derive great emotional benefit, and lead rich and fulfilling lives.
What is also great about this book is that Ben-Shahar devotes some chapters on how to apply optimalism in education, work and love.
Highly recommended reading.
What is also great about this book is that Ben-Shahar devotes some chapters on how to apply optimalism in education, work and love.
Highly recommended reading.
September 15, 2017
I see how this can link with other books I have consumed over the past year but it just doesn't stick out in my mind as much. I enjoyed it but found I faded in and out of concentration a lot while I went through it. It isn't a bad book though. Basic lessons are that the stress of perfection negatively affects us more than we think it does. It adds stress and we should be aware of it while also acknowledging that it is a double edged sword. The pursuit of perfection can have its benefits as a motivator but we need to know when to give it up etc. Also, I am thinking of taking a full list of self-help books that quote The Man In The Arena speech because it seems to be one of the basic staples of the genre. Maybe I can come up with a drinking game about it.
January 24, 2012
Like most of this type of book, it's an article stretched out into many many many more pages. While the ideas are great, they don't deserve a full book. Each point is annoyingly belabored. It's also interesting to me that personally I ended up feeling that this has really nothing to add to my own life--that reading the bible these last few months has provided far more 'self help' than any self help book can.
February 9, 2014
Рекомендую всем кто как и я склонен к нездоровому перфекционизму. В русском переводе называется "Парадокс перфекциониста".
May 24, 2016
Amazing book. Very practical and concice. I strongly recommend it. Teaches you by example and scientific facts how to live and accept and imperfect life. As well as to manage your own perfectionism
November 3, 2019
Life-changing stuff. Evidence-based. There is hope for us after all!
June 28, 2025
The Pursuit of Perfect by Tal Ben Shahar
Extraordinary book
Tal Ben-Shahar is the author of this wonderful book and he has also been one of the most successful teachers at Harvard.
His lectures on positive psychology have become the most popular in the history of the institution that itself has been one of the best universities in the world
If you are interested, you can watch the courses that are available on YouTube.
I strongly recommend them and the abovementioned fact that one in five students attended these classes speaks volumes.
In the book The Pursuit of Perfect the acclaimed professor and writer explains some of the things mentioned in his lectures.
I used to think that we need to search for perfection.
Tal Ben-Shahar explains why this is wrong.
Perfectionists are unhappy since perfect does not exist.
When you are happy with nothing less than perfect you waste your life waiting for a miracle.
Satisfizers are the lucky ones satisfied- what else- with the best possible outcome
In The Pursuit of Happiness there are many examples from the life of the author, his relationships and experiences.
There are some funny situations, like the one where a student warns him:
- You are the teacher of positive psychology…watch out, if I see you unhappy I will tell my friend who is in your class about you
It is ok to feel negative; to experience negative emotions and learn from them- learn to fail or fail to learn is one of the quotes.
In fact, at the end of one lecture, Tal Ben-Shahar makes a statement that sounds more than intriguing:
- I wish you fail more! This is the only way you will learn more!
He gives the examples of inventors and people who have failed time and again only to come on top and experience greatness.
There is in fact a famous ratio discovered by Losada and Barbara Fredrikson that says that we need three positive events for each negative one
- 1 to 3
And as I read more, it seems that the negative side of life is necessary in order to be able to really feel the good parts.
Even in some religious texts that I am reading through, the idea that God needed to make negative, all kinds of creatures seems very strong and makes sense.
If there is just a small reproach that I would make to an otherwise excellent book, this is that there is perhaps too much from the life of the author.
But then, from a different angle, a personal touch is preferable, even if that includes information about the wife, baby, squash and other experiences.
And then, I should be a merit finder and not a fault finder in the words of Tal Ben-Shahar, who remains one of the people who have changed my perspective in the last couple of years, since I have started reading positive psychology.
I used to be rather negative and critical- to prove that, I just remembered another little fault that I find with the sensational professor: he loves Whitney Houston; I will always love you- his all time favorite, and then Celine Dion.
I can’t stand either singer, but this is minor, non essential and perhaps a reminder of how much I travelled.
Extraordinary book
Tal Ben-Shahar is the author of this wonderful book and he has also been one of the most successful teachers at Harvard.
His lectures on positive psychology have become the most popular in the history of the institution that itself has been one of the best universities in the world
If you are interested, you can watch the courses that are available on YouTube.
I strongly recommend them and the abovementioned fact that one in five students attended these classes speaks volumes.
In the book The Pursuit of Perfect the acclaimed professor and writer explains some of the things mentioned in his lectures.
I used to think that we need to search for perfection.
Tal Ben-Shahar explains why this is wrong.
Perfectionists are unhappy since perfect does not exist.
When you are happy with nothing less than perfect you waste your life waiting for a miracle.
Satisfizers are the lucky ones satisfied- what else- with the best possible outcome
In The Pursuit of Happiness there are many examples from the life of the author, his relationships and experiences.
There are some funny situations, like the one where a student warns him:
- You are the teacher of positive psychology…watch out, if I see you unhappy I will tell my friend who is in your class about you
It is ok to feel negative; to experience negative emotions and learn from them- learn to fail or fail to learn is one of the quotes.
In fact, at the end of one lecture, Tal Ben-Shahar makes a statement that sounds more than intriguing:
- I wish you fail more! This is the only way you will learn more!
He gives the examples of inventors and people who have failed time and again only to come on top and experience greatness.
There is in fact a famous ratio discovered by Losada and Barbara Fredrikson that says that we need three positive events for each negative one
- 1 to 3
And as I read more, it seems that the negative side of life is necessary in order to be able to really feel the good parts.
Even in some religious texts that I am reading through, the idea that God needed to make negative, all kinds of creatures seems very strong and makes sense.
If there is just a small reproach that I would make to an otherwise excellent book, this is that there is perhaps too much from the life of the author.
But then, from a different angle, a personal touch is preferable, even if that includes information about the wife, baby, squash and other experiences.
And then, I should be a merit finder and not a fault finder in the words of Tal Ben-Shahar, who remains one of the people who have changed my perspective in the last couple of years, since I have started reading positive psychology.
I used to be rather negative and critical- to prove that, I just remembered another little fault that I find with the sensational professor: he loves Whitney Houston; I will always love you- his all time favorite, and then Celine Dion.
I can’t stand either singer, but this is minor, non essential and perhaps a reminder of how much I travelled.
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