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Parenting Is More Than a Formula
When parents look at today’s church and the larger culture, it seems more important than ever to raise godly, faithful children―for the sake of both their families now and their children in the future. Many parents strive to find a formula guaranteed to make their kids turn out right, and there are plenty to choose from―perhaps too many. Are any of the methods worthwhile? Where should a parent start? Jim Newheiser provides insight into the jungle of parenting formulas and techniques, critiquing them against the only faithful guideline for raising children and for all the rest of life―God’s Word. He teaches parents how to discern the value of different formulas, explains why they often fail (and what truly determines how children turn out), and encourages them with the only plan for parenting that is founded on authority we can trust: the gospel, which is bigger than any formula.
- GenresParentingCounselling
80 pages, Paperback
First published February 13, 2015
7 people are currently reading
42 people want to read
About the author
Jim Newheiser
28 books13 followersJim Newheiser, DMin, Westminster Theological Seminary, California, has served in pastoral ministry and has practiced biblical counseling for over thirty years. He is the Director of the Christian Counseling Program at Reformed Theological Seminary in Charlotte and the Executive Director of IBCD. He is an ACBC Fellow and board member.
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
March 14, 2018
The best thing about this very simple book was the title, which was a healthy reminder to me that there is no set of techniques out there that can guarantee that my children will turn out well. It can be very tempting for me personally to put undue emphasis upon formulas. However, when I do so, I am implicitly downplaying or even denying gospel truths! The way I parent certainly AFFECTS how my children turn out; however, 1) my kids are totally depraved, 2) they are responsible for their own actions, and 3) God is sovereign. These truths must drive me to prayer and to reliance on gospel grace! Also, if any of my children are walking with God, I should thank God rather than patting myself on the back or praising a particular methodology.
This book was also a helpful reminder to, in the words of Jay Adams, "always sharply distinguish God's commands from your suggestions." Many parenting methods or teachers have confused those two things.
One potential danger of this book is that it seems to lean toward the hyper grace position. Newheiser has co-authored a couple of books with Elyse Fitzpatrick, who I believe is a pretty strong proponent of hyper grace, and he quotes her a lot throughout the book. I was shocked that Newheiser also quotes Andrew Farley, a Christian pastor, blogger and radio talk show host who is blatantly hyper grace. (I wrote a blog article refuting a Farley post that denies that Christians need to confess their sins. Farley also denies that the "flesh" in Scripture is a living sin nature with which believers must reckon.)
Another critique of this book would be although Newheiser proves his point pretty well, he doesn't give much attention to what Christian parents SHOULD be doing. Perhaps that just wasn't his purpose in this book, but it certainly does limit the book's usefulness.
This book was also a helpful reminder to, in the words of Jay Adams, "always sharply distinguish God's commands from your suggestions." Many parenting methods or teachers have confused those two things.
One potential danger of this book is that it seems to lean toward the hyper grace position. Newheiser has co-authored a couple of books with Elyse Fitzpatrick, who I believe is a pretty strong proponent of hyper grace, and he quotes her a lot throughout the book. I was shocked that Newheiser also quotes Andrew Farley, a Christian pastor, blogger and radio talk show host who is blatantly hyper grace. (I wrote a blog article refuting a Farley post that denies that Christians need to confess their sins. Farley also denies that the "flesh" in Scripture is a living sin nature with which believers must reckon.)
Another critique of this book would be although Newheiser proves his point pretty well, he doesn't give much attention to what Christian parents SHOULD be doing. Perhaps that just wasn't his purpose in this book, but it certainly does limit the book's usefulness.
March 1, 2021
I agree with several of the other reviews. This is a good book for the reminder that the gospel and biblical commands are of imporance rather than "formulas" that we can adopt. I loved the format in which it was written that prompted really good discussion for my husband and I.
I was immediately alarmed that the Pearl's parenting styles were mentioned quite frequently, but it appeared that it was in a more negative light. Although, it still concerns me that they would be brought into the mix of "parenting formulas" and not just outright rejected.
I also would say that this book would only be suggested to those who are solid Christians with an already present understanding of what it means to raise their children "in the nurture and admonition of the Lord". It seems like this viewpoint is predominately from the side of "don't adopt the formulas, have some structure, remind your kids that they are sinners and that they can't obey without the help of the God (although, I would think this is also done in a specific way depending on the salvation or lack thereof of your children), the need for the gospel, etc." I'm not opposed to gospel-centered anything and think it's highly important, but the views seemed narrowed down to more particular situations and I would not see this as a good comprehensive parenting guide. For instance, there seemed to be focus on the idea that if you pushed into any particular formula, then you may want your child to be "good" and have unhealthy idols. For myself, I know that I would want to raise my kids in an environment that is going to give them the best opportunity to grow in the knowledge and understanding of Christ, write His Word on their hearts and teach them biblical morals to live by that they do have the tools available to live in a God-honoring way. That may look like a formula to many others, I don't know.
I also do think parents can deeply hurt their children in some ways. God is sovereign and can redeem the time, but that doesn't take away a shaky foundation that some have had built through their childhoods. (Side note: I would think the idea of generational sin would be some evidence of this?)
I *think* i get the general idea though that parenting isn't "cookie cutter", comparison is dangerous and unnecessary and through our best endeavors, personal freewill still reigns.
I was immediately alarmed that the Pearl's parenting styles were mentioned quite frequently, but it appeared that it was in a more negative light. Although, it still concerns me that they would be brought into the mix of "parenting formulas" and not just outright rejected.
I also would say that this book would only be suggested to those who are solid Christians with an already present understanding of what it means to raise their children "in the nurture and admonition of the Lord". It seems like this viewpoint is predominately from the side of "don't adopt the formulas, have some structure, remind your kids that they are sinners and that they can't obey without the help of the God (although, I would think this is also done in a specific way depending on the salvation or lack thereof of your children), the need for the gospel, etc." I'm not opposed to gospel-centered anything and think it's highly important, but the views seemed narrowed down to more particular situations and I would not see this as a good comprehensive parenting guide. For instance, there seemed to be focus on the idea that if you pushed into any particular formula, then you may want your child to be "good" and have unhealthy idols. For myself, I know that I would want to raise my kids in an environment that is going to give them the best opportunity to grow in the knowledge and understanding of Christ, write His Word on their hearts and teach them biblical morals to live by that they do have the tools available to live in a God-honoring way. That may look like a formula to many others, I don't know.
I also do think parents can deeply hurt their children in some ways. God is sovereign and can redeem the time, but that doesn't take away a shaky foundation that some have had built through their childhoods. (Side note: I would think the idea of generational sin would be some evidence of this?)
I *think* i get the general idea though that parenting isn't "cookie cutter", comparison is dangerous and unnecessary and through our best endeavors, personal freewill still reigns.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 22, 2017
Quotes:
"The important thing," writes Jay Adams, "is to always sharply distinguish God's commands from your suggestions.
"When experts teach that their particular formula is "God's way" while failing to acknowledge that other approaches may be equally valid, they create extrabiblical "law".
"Children...don't need to learn to be 'nice.' They need death and resurrection and a Savior."
"Our children can be saved only by the work of God. They cannot be saved by our good works of parenting, nor can they be saved by becoming "good kids."
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A very different book than what I was expecting. This book does a lot of asking of questions regarding views and determining if something is something that is actually written in the Bible or is just based on the principles. There are a lot of book out there with great parenting information that is based on biblical principles, but is often toted by the adherents as the "only way." This is a helpful tool to evaluate your thoughts and actions in regards to different methodologies even in regards to education. We often think that how we do something is best, that it is the only way.
It was fun to see different books that I've read mentioned, even if not in name, but by the method. Some of them were good books with good advice; some not so much. The authors point is to not make your style "law" when it may not work for every family or even for every child in a family.
A good read overall just to reevaluate what you are doing. There is some sections of application and advice, but it isn't a long section. A quick read if you don't answer the questions every few pages or so, but if you are doing more than reviewing the book, as I am, then you will need more time. A book that makes you think! Always a good thing, as we can get comfortable in how we are doing life.
"The important thing," writes Jay Adams, "is to always sharply distinguish God's commands from your suggestions.
"When experts teach that their particular formula is "God's way" while failing to acknowledge that other approaches may be equally valid, they create extrabiblical "law".
"Children...don't need to learn to be 'nice.' They need death and resurrection and a Savior."
"Our children can be saved only by the work of God. They cannot be saved by our good works of parenting, nor can they be saved by becoming "good kids."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A very different book than what I was expecting. This book does a lot of asking of questions regarding views and determining if something is something that is actually written in the Bible or is just based on the principles. There are a lot of book out there with great parenting information that is based on biblical principles, but is often toted by the adherents as the "only way." This is a helpful tool to evaluate your thoughts and actions in regards to different methodologies even in regards to education. We often think that how we do something is best, that it is the only way.
It was fun to see different books that I've read mentioned, even if not in name, but by the method. Some of them were good books with good advice; some not so much. The authors point is to not make your style "law" when it may not work for every family or even for every child in a family.
A good read overall just to reevaluate what you are doing. There is some sections of application and advice, but it isn't a long section. A quick read if you don't answer the questions every few pages or so, but if you are doing more than reviewing the book, as I am, then you will need more time. A book that makes you think! Always a good thing, as we can get comfortable in how we are doing life.
February 18, 2022
This is a helpful little book that illustrates well the follies of many parenting books which make false promises of near-guaranteed success if only we follow its method or formula. In general, these formulas are either unbiblical or extrabiblical. Jay Adams is quoted: “The important thing is to always sharply distinguish God’s commands from your suggestions” (26). Scripture offers clear instruction on the duties of parenting, yet “whatever is not biblically mandated is a matter of parental choice for which parents are accountable before God” (31). Newheiser continues, “Parents must learn to distinguish between biblical principles and the various ways in which these principles might be applied” (33). Ultimately, we are reminded that both parents and children desperately need the grace of God. We shouldn’t be surprised when our kids sin, but rather use these moments as opportunities to point them to how we all need Jesus for forgiveness. Because of its short length, I finished the book wanting more explanation and examples, especially on this point.
There are other good quotes I underlined, including this one:
“Even if there were a parenting law or formula that
could save our kids, it wouldn't help us because we
are all incapable of keeping the law perfectly. All of
us have been guilty of inconsistency, disciplining in
anger, modeling sinful attitudes, and caring about
appearances (that our children make us look good
and so on).” (54)
As you go along reading, this book includes helpful questions to ponder after each section.
There are other good quotes I underlined, including this one:
“Even if there were a parenting law or formula that
could save our kids, it wouldn't help us because we
are all incapable of keeping the law perfectly. All of
us have been guilty of inconsistency, disciplining in
anger, modeling sinful attitudes, and caring about
appearances (that our children make us look good
and so on).” (54)
As you go along reading, this book includes helpful questions to ponder after each section.
December 28, 2021
The strength of this book is how it exposes the legalistic approaches often taught within the church that supposedly guarantee success in parenting. This book reminds us that the Bible's instruction on parenting is sufficient, that the Gospel alone has the power to change hearts. The book's questions help the reader diagnose where their parenting philosophy comes from. Good book recommendations in the back as well!
April 29, 2025
Biblically saturated parenting advice, calling out other "promising" formulas/lifestyles for what they really are -- guidelines that may or may not help, depending on the child, but mostly dependent on God and his sovereignty. Grateful for Newheisers insights, relatable examples, and biblical truth -- sweet reminders of God's grace to us as parents. Definitely a helpful read for any parent or parent-to-be. His grace is sufficient!
May 4, 2019
I’ve used “When Sinners Say I Do” by Dave Harvey for premarital counseling and it’s excellent but had to supplement sermons on parenting to discuss the topic in more depth. I’ve found the parenting supplement to use in conjunction with Harvey’s book in this short little book on parenting packed with Gospel truth applied to parenting. Highly recommend!
July 5, 2022
Jim Newheiser helpfully relieves us from the from the impossible burdens of having to do everything correctly so our kids will turn out great. Only God can rescue our children but our striving for moralistic excellence can actually make it harder for them to find God. Jim points the way toward grace filled, cross centered parenting.
February 3, 2020
Simple and short book that says what the title says. Turns out no parenting formula can guarantee well-behaved children who love God...shocker I know. I’m glad someone is reminding me of that truth and Newheiser a fine job here.
August 8, 2023
Helpful Christian Parenting Book
This book is a grace filled, down to earth (practical), Biblically based book on parenting. There are no guilt trips to be found here; this book is focused on the Gospel. I found much encouragement in this short read.
This book is a grace filled, down to earth (practical), Biblically based book on parenting. There are no guilt trips to be found here; this book is focused on the Gospel. I found much encouragement in this short read.
January 5, 2024
Always good to be reminded that our parenting success never rests on a formula. We parent according to the scriptures and pray fervently that God will choose to reveal Himself to our kids. And He uses our weaknesses and reliance on Him to show them their need for the Savior.
November 8, 2025
Helpful overall.
May 27, 2015
Brief but good
The author did what he set out to do and that was to convince parents that parenting is more than a formula.
This is not a complete work on parenting, but more of a short pamphlet reminding parents that our goal as parents is not to be successful, but rather that our goal is to point out children to Christ. He is the only one who can change hearts.
The author did what he set out to do and that was to convince parents that parenting is more than a formula.
This is not a complete work on parenting, but more of a short pamphlet reminding parents that our goal as parents is not to be successful, but rather that our goal is to point out children to Christ. He is the only one who can change hearts.
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews