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176 pages, Hardcover
First published April 12, 2016
How to fix it
The smell of puke is contagious, so you need to triage this shit. First, slam on the breaks, jump out of the car and open the puke-side door. Next, strip the clothes off everyone who isn't already naked. Now open your husband's luggage and pull out all the large, absorbent undershirts you can find, unless you stole some towels from the hotel; don't waste time worrying about ethics, the hotel doesn't want them back now anyway.
Afrer heavy wiping, take hand sanitizer water bottles and dump liquid all over the seats and your kid. Dry the seats with dirty socks, underwear and any stuffed animals your kids may have won at local carnivals. Those toys are probably made out of toxic waste anyway, and should be buried. When you can't do any more, find a nearby trashcan. If there is no trashcan nearby, leave the entire pile of puke-soaked fabric by the side of the road. Sorry volunteer cleanup crew. But this is no time to be a good citizen.
-Don’t swear around, about, or at your children. If you can’t follow these rules, just don’t do the last one.
-Establish a money jar to penalize yourself for every time you swear around or about your children.
-Give the swearing jar’s contents to charity when it’s full.
-Stop stealing from the swearing jar to pay for field trips, hot lunch accounts, and parking meters. If you need to empty it completely - because you need money for beer and pizza - refill it the next day, or as soon as your kids notice.