How to Love Yourself (and Sometimes Other People): Spiritual Advice for Modern Relationships

by Meggan Watterson, Lodro Rinzler

Are you trying to find love – and beginning to suspect you’re not looking in the right place? This wise, hip guide gives you a new map for the journey to happiness in relationships of all kinds, starting in your own heart.Told from the alternating vantage points of authors Meggan Watterson and Lodro Rinzler, How to Love Yourself (and Sometimes Other People) reminds us that love isn’t something we have to earn. All of us are deeply and intrinsically worthy of love – not only the love we hope to receive from others, but the love we give to ourselves – and this book offers the insight and practical tools we need to stay firmly grounded in self-love as we ride out the natural (and often stormy) cycles of relationships.Meggan and Lodro’s unique perspectives as teachers and scholars of Christian mysticism and Buddhism respectively make for a rich and lively dialogue that draws on wisdom sources like the Gospel of Mary Magdalene and the Four Noble Truths, along with funny, revealing stories from their own love lives and their deep friendship with each other. You’ll find guidance for embracing single life, dating with an open heart, and thriving in lasting love; meditations and practices for calm abiding, "disciplined hope," and connecting to the source of love within you; and tips on everything from sex, self-worth, and nourishing friendships to navigating breakups and learning to truly love yourself. Ultimately, you’ll be able to see your ideal partner in a new light – not as someone who "completes" you, but as someone who mirrors back to you your own wholeness.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Spirituality, Relationships, Buddhism, Personal Growth, Religion

210 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 15, 2015

About the author

MEGGAN WATTERSON is the author of the Wall Street Journal bestselling Mary Magdalene Revealed, and The Mary Magdalene Oracle, among others. She is a feminist theologian with a Master of Theological Studies from Harvard Divinity School and a Master of Divinity from Union Theological Seminary. She created The House of Mary Magdalene– a spiritual community that studies sacred texts left out of the traditional canon and practices the soul-voice meditation. Her work has appeared in media outlets such as The New York Times, The Huffington Post, TEDxWomen, and Marie Claire.

Reviews

[Chris Torretta · Rating 5 out of 5]

Received from publisher, via Netgalley, for an honest review.

My favorite quote:

"When you truly love someone, they are extremely precious to you-as valuable to you as your own life. You cherish them even more than yourself. But when you are attached to people, you see them as existing in your life to fill your needs or to make you happy."


It's fantastic to see two authors of very different backgrounds get together. I have always wondered why people that think that love is the best, do not work together. It didn't seem to make sense.

What stroke me most was something I read at the very beginning of the book, something I think it is hard for all of us to understand.


"Love isn't "deserved" as in if only I would have said the right thing, made the perfect gesture, or found a way to be more, to be good enough, then I would deserve love. But love isn't like that. We don't become worthy of love someday; we are worthy of love simply because we exist."

This is not something that many of us get though. I know I did not for a long time; and I still struggle with it. Knowing it helps me to see and I can remind myself of this very thing. Having the confidence to know this and in yourself is the second, and extremely intense, chapter of the book.

I really enjoy how both authors tell their versions and anecdotes. The chapters are divided but in each it is easy to tell who is speaking. Although the versions and stories are different they agree on the most important things and the stories help to show that agreement while also explaining it in layman's terms.

I also really enjoy the explanation of meditation. I have always had a hard time meditating but many books just say to jump in without saying how hard it is going to be. These two not only explain that meditation can be difficult but that it WILL BE. Quieting the mind is one of the hardest things to do and they do not beat around the bush or make it seem simpler than it really is.

Further in the book is even more that can apply to life not only for how we treat ourselves but the people that surround us. They also talk about being in the moment. People tend to lose themselves by thinking about what they want to do next and we all forget about enjoying the NOW.


The idea of a Buddhist and a Christian getting together to teach seems like it should be impossible but the way these two authors were able to bring the anecdotes together was marvelous. I really enjoyed the different sections and both of their points of views. Since I also enjoy both aspects of learning (spiritually) I was even more intrigued and curious how they brought these two philosophies together.


"When you truly love someone, they are extremely precious to you-as valuable to you as your own life. You cherish them even more than yourself. But when you are attached to people, you see them as existing in your life to fill your needs or to make you happy."


I have had many issues with love and the chapter about relationships and loving a partner (really the entire book is about love), this chapter really resonated with me. I've had so many questions about if I love my husband and how do I know. It seems weird since we've been together for 13 years but I have a screwed sense of what love is supposed to be. Learning to love myself first was a big step but understanding that I love him just as much as I love myself was huge for me. He and my daughter mean the world and it is fabulous that I was able to find the words, thanks to these wonderful authors, to express these feelings, and more importantly, to understand them.


In short: This book was fantastic. It is not just about finding the love for yourself but how to truly know love for yourself and others. A must read!

[Houda · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very short yet useful book. I was first skeptical because of the title which comes as quite simplistic, but it is a true reflection of the book's content: simple, hands-on and thought provoking. You won't necessarily identify with every single idea, but that's perfectly fine. A lot of what is said might sound like things we already know but often tend to forget. I believe we all need to be reminded of them at different points in our lives so we can keep going forward. In a world obsessed with outward relationships (friends, lovers, spouses, family and so on), this is an interesting reflection on how to reconnect with our physical and spiritual self, beyond life's disappointments, and therefore reconcile with love.

[Rosa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very insightful read, the majority of the book was focused on loving other people (in my opinion), but definitely worth it. It's a journey to love yourself fully so you can love others!

[Surya · Rating 4 out of 5]

Imagine you are on a train journey to the mountains. It is springtime and the scenery outside the window is beautiful. An adorable couple comes and sits opposite you. As the journey goes on, you start interacting and this couple shares their bohemian adventures, tales of travel to ancient places, and stories of their relationships bitter and sweet. Of course, there could be parts of their tale that you may not relate to. But for the most parts, you smile, laugh, relate, love and cry as they open up and let you in.

This book is that. A good read. 4/5.

[Hannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5. Some great messages in this one ❤️

[Katie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some helpful tips shared by the authors from their own experiences.

Meggan referred to Lady Magdalene and Lodro referred to Buddhism throughout the book. As someone who is from a background that is different from both of theirs, I found it incredibly difficult to relate. I am starting to get a bit annoyed at spirituality being immediately referred to buddhism. Although buddhism is amazing on its own, I do believe there are more ways of being spiritual without following buddhist teachings.

I also found the book getting quite repetitive about halfway through. The main lesson of the book is : before you f8nd love in any other relationships, you have to love yourself first. The book, however, does little to teach you how to actually love yourself.

Needless to say, I was disappointed. However, I cannot say that this book wont help anyone. Im sure others might find worth in it.

[Suzanne Nievaart · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are many great messages, wisdoms, and meditations in this book. Loving myself rather than waiting for someone else to love me has transformed me. I can experience happiness and bliss in each and every moment. Knowing that I am enough.
This book helped me to reaffirm what I already knew: all the love I need in the world, I already carry inside me, and share with all living beings.
There are great practical tips in here, and I enjoyed the meditations.
‘Some miracles come gradually. For me, the miracle of recognizing my own love came little by little. But the utter transformation is nothing short of living revelation. Now I am love in action. For me this is the most radical thing I can do. The most powerful spiritual practice for me is the act of loving myself fiercely'.

[Sonya · Rating 3 out of 5]

Liked Lodro Rinzler's Buddha books. I think I would've liked this more if he'd written the whole thing. Nothing against his co-author. I just found the Buddhist perspective more relatable than the divine feminine.

[A · Rating 4 out of 5]

The format is a male and female alternating back and forth on topics of love. The topics and advice are concise. I liked the tangible suggestions at the end of each chapter. It's well organized and each section is thought out. My favorite topics were loving being single, love dating, falling in love without losing yourself, self love, commitment, sex, and loving with a broken heart. This is the first book by Meggan I have read and I look forward to reading more by her about the divine feminine.

My highlights:
"Only if I can be alone within the relationship - meaning at peace with the knowledge that I am whole on my own, I am entire and complete a world unto myself - can I truly love. My partner isn't an object, a possession, a thing I cannot do without. I might not want to be without him, but I maintain the truth that my happiness is not dependent on him. I'm free. This is the difference between interdependence and codependence. In an interdependent relationship, true freedom - or as Osho calls it, "absolute freedom" - is created. How? When both individuals can maintain the truth that they are enhanced and enlarged by each other and not saved or completed, "they allow the other aboslute freedom, because they know if the other leaves, they will as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other." Love doesn't confine. It expands.

"My path in a committed relationship with another soul is to never abandon or betray my commitment to the voice of my own soul"

"As couple therapist Esther Perel suggests, "Everyone should cultivate a secret garden". It's actually out capacity to cultivate our separateness that allows us to be in a committed relationship without sacrificing our sacred vows to our own soul. We can then experience that freedom we all long to feel - the freedom of being entirely ourselves in the presence of another, which comes from out partner witnessing the truth of who we are."

"Why do we suffer within relationships? Because of the Second Noble Truth: we are ignorant to how we constantly crave something other than what is going on right now."

"I will never agin narrow the space my soul inhabits by thinking there's just one soul mate out there. Every true friendship in my life is a miracle, a soul mate to remind me of who I am and to give me the invaluable change to love them, fiercely."

"In a way, happiness in love is maintaining a paradoxical mix of full commitment and non attachment."

"A power practice is to get clear about how you want to feel when you're with that new person. And then as soon as you have clarity about how you want to feel, start doing all you can to allow yourself to feel that way already. Giving yourself what you hope and desire someone else will give you becomes the greatest tool for knowing you've met someone significant. Rather than a certain physical trait or financial standing, you'll be able to recognize a relationship worth investing in because this person adds to, covets, and maintains those precise feelings you've wanted most to experience."

"'When in reliance on someone your defects wane, And you positive qualities grow like the waxing moon, To cherish such a spiritual friend more than your own body, Is the practice of a Bodhisattva' When you offer your love to another, it should not be because you need them. It should be because you cherish who they are, moment by moment, knowing that they will change (and so will you). It should be because your reliance on that individual has caused your defects and negative qualities to slowly fade away while your positive qualities are being cultivated rapidly."

"We have to remember that loving fully means watching our love shift over time."

[Alina · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

Loved this book for few reasons:
1. I loved that authors joined two different teachings Christianity and Buddhism; it works well as it gives a validity to their way of thinking, as they seem to be aligned in their discoveries about what it means to love yourself.
2. I was able to resonate on the examples outlined by the authors.
- When we fall in love it’s so easy to fall out of the alignment with our own source of love. We start to forget and eventually start to believe that this new love is our primary source of life.that we are depended on that love for happy ever after. We forget that limited source of love is within us and always with the reach no matter who enters or exit our lives."
-It's important to realise that relationships with others are inconsistent. You need you. You don't need outsiders to help you truly understand who you are. That validation need to come from within. You need to be there for yourself when no one else is; trust yourself. Focus on presence of love within you by doing simple things: each morning in the mirror gaze into your eyes; leave notes to yourself; remind that negative thoughts are just thoughts"
-Being with someone is a choice we make.
- Love is about understanding that the person is suffering and be there for them, give them space; show sympathy; feel joy for them. Don’t fight accept them for who they are; love yourself respect yourself and don’t let others to disrespect you.
-Meditation: May I enjoy happiness and be free from suffering.
3. It's either I grew up or its the way it's written but not only once I caught myself saying to myself: "I get what you saying but how?"
4. I got inspired:
- Discipline hope: surrender; trust your life and trusting you are enough as who you are and trust where you being led; trust that your desires will be met. Take care of your body; your negative thoughts; read something humorous; have regular massages; plan weekends with friends; pay conscious attention to amount of love you have in your life.
- How do you want to feel around the person you want to spend your life with? Once you have a clear idea Start doing that for yourself to feel that way already. Give yourself what you hope and desire someone else to give you becomes a greatest rule when you meet someone significant. As that person will maintain precise feelings you want to experience.

[Adam · Rating 4 out of 5]

Essential reading for humans small & tall young & old.

What my 👂 heard ⤵️

thanks for teaching me how to open my heart more fully sarah
the broken open heart holds more light than the closed heart too afraid to break
smizing smiling with the eyes
he had the ingenuity to..
it was if she grabbed my soul by the collar
drop those old go-to's
I love you I'm so sorry I hurt you I never want to do that
true love is the natural energy of the settled mind
I can't overemphasize the importance of accepting yourself exactly as you are right now that iasyou wish you were or thinkk you ought to be
where has my love not yet reached?
love yourself regardless
you will find who you love while doing what you love
when we release the shark of fixed expectations we are bound to get eaten
Is this Love more about fear?
it's what you do in the present that will redeem the past and therefore change the future
I hope I can instigate growth in your life
it's not the heart that breaks it's the ego
I tried boosting myself of steam by hooking up with other people
your body is processing a lot of pain, you need to give it time to rest

[Audrey · Rating 5 out of 5]

So glad that a friend recommended this book to me, because it resonated with me on so many levels. I love that it includes both Christian and Buddhist perspectives. Unfortunately, that isn't apparent from the title, but I found out from reading the reviews and summary. Definitely 110% agree with most of what was described and explained in this book. Although, sometimes it takes experience to actually get it, and reading it in theory may not hit the same way as actually going through it yourself. For example, if I hadn't had much direct meditation experience, then I wouldn't have really grasped that feeling of divine love within myself. While there is an explanation of soul-voice meditation, I doubt that anyone could actually apply it from reading this book. One would probably need a course or a teacher to really practice. I was lucky enough to come across the technique on accident through my Vipassana meditation journey and as a result, was able to relate to the learnings and takeaways.

[Brittney · Rating 3 out of 5]

I bought this book after a rocky relationship breakup a few months ago, but never actually sat down to read it until now. While things are fine, all things considered, this book still has a lot of great insight on how best to go forth with all relationships, platonic or romantic.

As someone who struggles with expressing emotions, especially positive ones towards myself, there's some practical tips on how to be a better human. The book came off as a massive cliche, but in this case, you cannot judge a book by it's theme. I wouldn't like it as much as I do if it were full of Hallmark-esque sappiness about break ups and romance. Rather, it's about being a better you in all forms of your relationships no matter where you are in life. Having two different authors definitely helps looking at each topic in different ways.

I really liked it in a surprising way, and I think I'll hold on to it. I recommend to any 20-40 something year old.

[Luxvna · Rating 5 out of 5]

YES! Read this book! That's my answer if you're wondering if you should pick this book up.

For individuals who are into modern spirituality and are looking for a little love on the side, this book will help you bridge the gap between devoting love to yourself and wanting to love other people. The anecdotes by Rinzler and Watterson are charming, and will give you a good smile (or many). How to Love Yourself (and Sometimes Other People) will remind you that it's totally possible to love yourself while still giving love to others. Adding onto the familiar quote of needing to love yourself to love other people, Meggan and Lodro will show you that loving others is another aspect to loving yourself.

[Lili Kim · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have to say, the first half of this book was a bit boring to get through. However, it got a lot better in the second half. I appreciated how there were so many Christian and Buddhist perspectives, and how the authors spoke honestly about their failed relationships, but gave practical and nonjudgmental advice moving forward. The words they said were definitely more in-tune with how modern relationships are today. After all, things are not so black-and-white, but more so shades of grey, instead (or at least, that's what I think).

[Jordan Voigt · Rating 4 out of 5]

Short and simple, sometimes poignant, sometimes sweet. For me it was less of new and radical information and more of the reminder I need almost constantly; love yourself well, love others well, don't be afraid, don't make decisions in love based on fear and a scarcity mindset. I can see myself reading this book again whenever I need to center myself in those principles.

I was skeptical of the format at first but I think it works. It's written in a breezy and conversational style that doesn't feel abruptly interrupted by the changing of voice every few pages.

[Siviwe · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ll probably read anything Lodro writes. Love his lucid worldview, with gems like “One of the things that the Buddha discovered was that he didn’t have to bullshit.” Meggan is similar with “Love doesn’t ask for a subtraction or a negation of who we are.”

Lodro’s simple loving kindness mantra “May I enjoy happiness and be free from suffering.” is at the heart of it all as is Meggan’s “Every breath is a spiritual practice” and the idea that it’s the ego that breaks, not the heart.

Read this book. I’ll be reading more of Meggan’s stuff now too.

[Heather Bradley · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked the messages in this book, but the jumping back and forth and all around in the stories and between the two narrators made me miss a lot. I really couldn't relate to either author with their spiritual or relationship backgrounds. It was interesting hearing about situations from both the male and female perspective but wasn't very memorable for me. Quick short read though that was nice to get through at the end of the month.

[Kenna · Rating 2 out of 5]

I picked up this book thinking it was more about loving yourself... but it really is focused more on the relationship side.

This wasn't a problem or anything, but I didn't enjoy this book really.

Lodro's chapters were alright, they had some humourous bits in.

Megann's chapters were humourous in a different way. As in some of the quotes were so wild I read them to my sister and we laughed.

A lot of Meggan's writing was quite hard to read and very abstract. Even though I was interested in a lot of the things she brought up, I don't feel anything went deep enough for me to fully understand what she was getting at.

I don't think I really learnt much from this book and reading it has just encouraged me to stay single if nothing else.

In conculsion; the writing isn't great and it's fairly repetitive with no real continuity. One paragraph is a teaching from somewhere the next is an unrelated dating anecdote.

Maybe it's just not for me, but I wouldn't read this again.

[Camilla · Rating 2 out of 5]

Contiene qualcosa di carino, specialmente qualche frase, ma mi aspettavo molto meglio dall’entusiasmo con cui ho visto era consigliato. È un insieme (seppur ben costruito e strutturato) di argomenti che dovrebbero e vorrebbero puntare alla costruzione dell’auto-amore e invece è direttamente indirizzato a chi cerca un partner per la vita di coppia. Avrei invertito il titolo in “How to love other people (and sometimes yourself)”. Peccato

[Kate Newsom · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book may have told me things that I'd heard before, but it did it in a way that I could experience the ideas more clearly, and with more care for myself. The two authors have different and symbiotic takes on caring for other people. It left me hopeful that I too can love myself (and sometimes other people) in a kinder way. Thank you!!

[Karla Milicich · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this book. It was very eye opening on what love is and how we each define love. It’s very helpful for those who are looking to find more confidence and self-love in themselves. I do think this was a shift in paradigm for myself and I would recommend this book. I enjoyed the quirky writing styles and anecdotal writing.

[alison morton · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was ok and very well and honestly written but not really what I expected and didnt really find that it actually helps you to love yourself and others.

[Lorelei · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good suggestions here from both Buddhist and Christian teachings. The authors share their own vulnerabilities and experiences which is nice.

[Naomi C. Haynes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very thought provoking book. Really helped me identify thought patterns and grow.

[Krista V · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read for those who want to learn more about self-love and compassion — expectations, how we enter into relationship...the list goes on. Highly recommend!

[LemontreeLime · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very sweet, and at some points very profound. I listened to the audio version, and it was brilliant of the two authors to trade off reading each others sections.

[Elise Chandler · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some good nuggets of wisdom, but it wasn't my cup of tea.

[Mayura · Rating 2 out of 5]

Just couldn't finish the book. Some things were really not relatable.

[James L. Fletcher · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not for me

I just be too hardhearted for this kind of advice. 10 more words are needed too close this session. Oops!