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Coming home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up
Coming Home to Self is a book about becoming aware. It is written for all members of the adoption adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents as well as those who are in relationship with them, including professionals. It explains the influence imprinted upon the nuerological system and, thus, on future functioning. It explains how false beliefs create fear and perpetuate being ruled by the wounded child. It is a book which will help adoptees discover their authentic selves after living without seeing themselves reflected back all their lives.
506 pages, Paperback
First published October 1, 2003
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Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews
January 5, 2015
I read Nancy Verrier's The Primal Wound some years ago. This book promises to take things a stage further and offer some answers to the problems she identifies.
Reading the opening chapters the resonance is incredibly strong. The early programming resulting from separation from one's birth mother at birth is wholly recognisable in my own experience - the constant living in adrenalised fight or flight mode, the deep seated fear of abandonment, the difficulty concentrating and so many others.
Verrier argues that separating newborn from birth mother amounts to abuse, an abuse so primal and beyond recall for the child that it has a profound effect that's very difficult to bring into the conscious mind and deal with. Yet this book is about tackling those traits because, as she puts it (I paraphrase); while you may have every reason to act like you do that doesn't mean that any one else is necessarily going to be prepared to put up with it.
This is very true. We're all dealt a hand and it's about how we play it. And progress is possible.
Having now more or less finished it I'll allow that it has a lot to be said in its favour. I found one passage, describing anecdotally how some adult adoptees can sometimes comfort adopted babies better than their adoptive parents as incredibly close to home to the point of being painful. It provided a profound moment of catharsis and realisation.
However I have some serious reservations. Verrier's moralising over sexuality and other issues stinks. I'd be furious if I found a therapist I was seeing passing judgement in so harsh a manner. It seems to be rooted in nothing more than her own personal views. If someone chooses to be non-monogamous and it's a positive choice don't carp. Not everyone shares her very American Christo-centric morality. The issue isn't about sex but self medication and Verrier doesn't make this vital distinction.
The other profoundly irksome thing is her coming across as a genetic determinist. She keeps going on about how adopted children instinctively feel themselves to be out of their proper environment and that they miss their genetic home. Batshit crazy nonsense and not substantiated at all.
Looking up my birth mother (lovely though she is) actually served to underscore just how much I've absorbed from my adoptive family. It feels far more like home, just as my larger family is the one I've built for myself from assorted misfits, friends and lovers and my adorable son. So while I've got a lot from this book there's a lot I feel able to toss out with considerable disdain as opinionated, judgemental and unsupported by research.
Reading the opening chapters the resonance is incredibly strong. The early programming resulting from separation from one's birth mother at birth is wholly recognisable in my own experience - the constant living in adrenalised fight or flight mode, the deep seated fear of abandonment, the difficulty concentrating and so many others.
Verrier argues that separating newborn from birth mother amounts to abuse, an abuse so primal and beyond recall for the child that it has a profound effect that's very difficult to bring into the conscious mind and deal with. Yet this book is about tackling those traits because, as she puts it (I paraphrase); while you may have every reason to act like you do that doesn't mean that any one else is necessarily going to be prepared to put up with it.
This is very true. We're all dealt a hand and it's about how we play it. And progress is possible.
Having now more or less finished it I'll allow that it has a lot to be said in its favour. I found one passage, describing anecdotally how some adult adoptees can sometimes comfort adopted babies better than their adoptive parents as incredibly close to home to the point of being painful. It provided a profound moment of catharsis and realisation.
However I have some serious reservations. Verrier's moralising over sexuality and other issues stinks. I'd be furious if I found a therapist I was seeing passing judgement in so harsh a manner. It seems to be rooted in nothing more than her own personal views. If someone chooses to be non-monogamous and it's a positive choice don't carp. Not everyone shares her very American Christo-centric morality. The issue isn't about sex but self medication and Verrier doesn't make this vital distinction.
The other profoundly irksome thing is her coming across as a genetic determinist. She keeps going on about how adopted children instinctively feel themselves to be out of their proper environment and that they miss their genetic home. Batshit crazy nonsense and not substantiated at all.
Looking up my birth mother (lovely though she is) actually served to underscore just how much I've absorbed from my adoptive family. It feels far more like home, just as my larger family is the one I've built for myself from assorted misfits, friends and lovers and my adorable son. So while I've got a lot from this book there's a lot I feel able to toss out with considerable disdain as opinionated, judgemental and unsupported by research.
January 14, 2020
I felt the weight of the truths in this book as I made my way through the first two chapters. So I quit reading — about three times. Then made my way slowly through each part- absorbing, meditating, and sometimes journaling. Also LOTS of underlining and reacting. Many memories surfaced. So much is now better understood. I feel understood. I feel like I make sense and can move forward. Only from this author could I hear the call to grow up. Sheesh. Now to move forward and to live the calling I feel to help and encourage others- adoptees and adoptive parents especially. And to support all programs that support birth moms.
August 27, 2021
As an adoptee studying to be a therapist, I found parts of this book enormously insightful and helpful. However, it is quite dated and has a distasteful and unmistakeable white middle-class focus. I also found the author’s voice to be quite grating and overly directive to parents of adolescents. I similarly found the section for therapists very difficult to get through.
March 27, 2025
“Without the understanding of separation trauma, the adoptee's normal response to her experience is seen as pathological, rather than as a defense against further loss. Instead of pathologizing society's penchant for separating babies and their mothers, we pathologize the victims of a grave wrongdoing.”
A must-read for every therapist who works with adopted people, as well as for every adopter. The book can be preachy at times, but Verrier was truly ahead of her time in so many ways.
This book starts strong and has a great ending. Parts of the middle may be worth skipping, especially for the adopted people who have heard much of this in therapy already.
A must-read for every therapist who works with adopted people, as well as for every adopter. The book can be preachy at times, but Verrier was truly ahead of her time in so many ways.
This book starts strong and has a great ending. Parts of the middle may be worth skipping, especially for the adopted people who have heard much of this in therapy already.
December 17, 2020
I owned this book once and didn't really like it.
There is probably helpful stuff in it but as it didn't have an index,
it was impossible to extract the information without reading the entire book.
Also Amazon's "Look inside" feature is not available for this book
which further reduces its value for me.
I may read the same author's Primal Wound but it also doesn't provide
Amazon's Look inside feature, so I can't tell if it has an index.
I think I will explore more user friendly adoption books.
There is probably helpful stuff in it but as it didn't have an index,
it was impossible to extract the information without reading the entire book.
Also Amazon's "Look inside" feature is not available for this book
which further reduces its value for me.
I may read the same author's Primal Wound but it also doesn't provide
Amazon's Look inside feature, so I can't tell if it has an index.
I think I will explore more user friendly adoption books.
February 5, 2011
Although some of this book is dense with neurology terms (especially the first section), it is a must-read for anyone in the adoption triad - adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents alike. Much more in-depth and comprehensive than Verrier's previous book, The Primal Wound. As an adoptee, it was very helpful in understanding how the adoption experience affects my life as an adult adoptee, how to recognize coping behaviors that have resulted from that experience, and how to begin to heal. I wish both of Verrier's books would be made required reading for all women considering putting their children up for adoption and potential adoptive parents!
June 3, 2016
Reading this book helped me grow and understand myself more. It's definitely one that I re-read often.
May 30, 2024
This is a very intense book that I highly recommend to those in the adoption constellation. It is a spring board from Verrier’s book The Primal Wound, and adds more detail to the trauma involved with the biological mother and child separation .
In my edition, in the very back in the appendix is a list of questions for readers to contemplate and reflect on each chapter. If I had the time to do this, and “do the work” which this book intends,I would get more out of it.
As an Adoptee, every birth or adoptive parent should read it and try the exercises in the appendix.
In my edition, in the very back in the appendix is a list of questions for readers to contemplate and reflect on each chapter. If I had the time to do this, and “do the work” which this book intends,I would get more out of it.
As an Adoptee, every birth or adoptive parent should read it and try the exercises in the appendix.
October 1, 2024
I am thankful for this book. I believe that this book has helped me accept and move towards a more authentic self, integrating my story of adoption. There is much that I have learnt from this book and would highly recommend it to all adoptees who are struggling to lead full, adult lives!
July 17, 2023
It's easy to say here is the problem, but I love that this book says, here is the solution. I sincerely recommend it to all adoptees.
April 12, 2025
I'm cured!
November 22, 2018
I dipped into this, finding many useful insights in my new role as birth mother reunited with birth child. Fifty-six years ago the relinquishment was conducted in a "closed" system and I had no information about what my son may have experienced in the adoptive family. I found this recommended reading really helpful.
Verrier is herself an adoptive parent who has wide reading and many years of experience of counselling all members of the "triad" in adoption. Her book has introduced me to a well-documented body of evidence holding that the separation between birth mother and baby is traumatising in at least two ways; the interruption or displacement of emotional bonding and the baby's unfamiliarity with her new immediate and extended family. The former can lead to difficulty with emotional attachment later on and the latter to a pervasive sense of not belonging.
Rather than use these ideas as excuses for maladaptive behaviours, Verrier shows that knowledge can lead to improved self-control and self-management in adulthood by the adoptee. While it may come across as moralising, I think it's to Verrier's credit that she addresses the adult adopted person as a functioning grown-up fully capable of making their own choices.
Although the book is repetitive, in my opinion it's a must-have for adoptees, adoptive parents and birth parents entering reunion.
Verrier is herself an adoptive parent who has wide reading and many years of experience of counselling all members of the "triad" in adoption. Her book has introduced me to a well-documented body of evidence holding that the separation between birth mother and baby is traumatising in at least two ways; the interruption or displacement of emotional bonding and the baby's unfamiliarity with her new immediate and extended family. The former can lead to difficulty with emotional attachment later on and the latter to a pervasive sense of not belonging.
Rather than use these ideas as excuses for maladaptive behaviours, Verrier shows that knowledge can lead to improved self-control and self-management in adulthood by the adoptee. While it may come across as moralising, I think it's to Verrier's credit that she addresses the adult adopted person as a functioning grown-up fully capable of making their own choices.
Although the book is repetitive, in my opinion it's a must-have for adoptees, adoptive parents and birth parents entering reunion.
January 18, 2009
An important book, especially for adoptees, adoptive parents and birth parents who've relinquished a child to adoption or anyone interested in the issue of adoption. I could only relate to 50% of the material. However that 50% was so valuable it made reading the other 50 worth it.
Currently reading
April 20, 2010quite interesting
December 22, 2013
Another excellent book for anyone who's life has been touched by adoption.
April 14, 2018
Practical help to heal and overcome the coping strategies ingrained in the brain of adults with RAD. A tremendous tool of healing in my life.
May 30, 2009
This was probably one of the best books I have read on understanding the Adoption Triad.
Displaying 1 - 17 of 17 reviews