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Designer Relationships: A Guide to Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory, and Optimistic Open Relationships
Contemporary relationships are in a state of rapid evolution. These changes can and should empower people with the opportunity to develop partnerships based on their own sexualities, understandings, and agreements. This makes it possible to create what Kenneth Haslam, founder of the Kinsey Institute’s Polyamory Archive, has called “designer relationships.”
Designer relationships may encompass: people who bond emotionally but not sexually; people who agree to be non-exclusive; single people who have occasional lovers or friends with benefits; multiple partner configurations where long-term bonds exist among all or some; partnerships in which people are kinky and that make room to explore kink.
The possibilities are limitless, and thinking about a partnership as something people can craft allows for flexibility and change. Relationships can open and close or have varying degrees and kinds of openness as circumstances demand. In the context of a designer relationship, decisions are made mutually, consciously, and deliberately. Best-selling authors and nationally known relationship experts Patricia Johsnson and Mark A. Michaels are exemplars of this life choice, and have studied polyarmory for over 20 years. This book explains exactly how you and your loved ones can design your own life and love.
Designer relationships may encompass: people who bond emotionally but not sexually; people who agree to be non-exclusive; single people who have occasional lovers or friends with benefits; multiple partner configurations where long-term bonds exist among all or some; partnerships in which people are kinky and that make room to explore kink.
The possibilities are limitless, and thinking about a partnership as something people can craft allows for flexibility and change. Relationships can open and close or have varying degrees and kinds of openness as circumstances demand. In the context of a designer relationship, decisions are made mutually, consciously, and deliberately. Best-selling authors and nationally known relationship experts Patricia Johsnson and Mark A. Michaels are exemplars of this life choice, and have studied polyarmory for over 20 years. This book explains exactly how you and your loved ones can design your own life and love.
170 pages, Kindle Edition
First published September 8, 2015
162 people are currently reading
2186 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 102 reviews
August 7, 2020
As a queer person I feel missed by the book. It probably does a good job at introducing straight couples to ways of opening their relationship and to explore beyond the culturally hegemonic concept of straight monogamy. But for someone who lives in an environment where most people I know are in some kind of nonmonogamous setting I feel missed.
The book is written as an introduction to the topic to people who aren't familiar with the topic and as such some of it feels like making loooong baby steps.
As I am not in a straight couple relationship I feel that the book doesn't talk to me at many places. And aspects that are important to me as a gay guy (such as gay hookup culture and how to navigate it and still find meaningful partnerships) are not in the book.
This is not to say that the book is bad. It is a fantastic and very respectful introduction to a lot of topics. It is just not fit for my personal experience and needs. Or for the reason that made me buy and read the book in the first place.
The book is written as an introduction to the topic to people who aren't familiar with the topic and as such some of it feels like making loooong baby steps.
As I am not in a straight couple relationship I feel that the book doesn't talk to me at many places. And aspects that are important to me as a gay guy (such as gay hookup culture and how to navigate it and still find meaningful partnerships) are not in the book.
This is not to say that the book is bad. It is a fantastic and very respectful introduction to a lot of topics. It is just not fit for my personal experience and needs. Or for the reason that made me buy and read the book in the first place.
July 22, 2017
This book reads like a very brief cheerleading session for open relationships. While the last two chapters had some good advice and a few good questions to discuss in any kind of relationship, most of the book was spent defending open or non-traditional relationships from misconceptions which could be plucked from a Fox News talking head. I think most people who pick up this book they will be beyond that already. I felt the book mostly passed over the difficulty inherent in non-traditional relationships. This might be a good book for someone looking for a push to convince them to open their relationship, but if you are already there and looking for help managing the realities of that decision, I would look for something more in depth.
November 20, 2015
There are more and more books all the time on relationship styles, polyamory, open relationships, etc. What sets this book apart is the authors are not endorsing one "style" over others. This book encourages us to go mindfully into whatever relationship we would like to have. They give us the tools to design our own relationships. What if we weren't told what kind of relationships we *should* have? It's a good way to spark some introspection.
This is a great smaller book. It is not overwhelming and succeeds in its goal of being a book you can "pick up in one airport and read by the time you land in another." I like that it's easily digestible and challenges some of the notions we may have about "radical honesty" and sharing "everything" with our partner(s).
It's a recommended reading no matter what style of relationship you are in (or not in) and what your dream relationship is.
This is a great smaller book. It is not overwhelming and succeeds in its goal of being a book you can "pick up in one airport and read by the time you land in another." I like that it's easily digestible and challenges some of the notions we may have about "radical honesty" and sharing "everything" with our partner(s).
It's a recommended reading no matter what style of relationship you are in (or not in) and what your dream relationship is.
October 8, 2015
Not much in this book felt "new" after having read a handful of the books they list in their "other resources" guide in the back, but in the authors' introduction, they said they wanted this to be the kind of book you could pick up in an airport and read during the flight and come away having learned something, and I think they succeeded in that effort.
September 5, 2018
This book does a really great job talking about the conscious ways relationships can be structured around monogamy/nonmonogamy and the many facets that includes. I really appreciate how it breaks down some different kinds of monogamy and acknowledges that these are also valid options for relationships.
The book doesn't do as much to talk about all the other areas where people can design relationships to suit them, like choices about sex, marriage, children, and cohabitation. I've been looking for a while for one book that covers all the highlights on customizing relationships to fit the needs of those involved. Sex From Scratch and Designer Relationships have come closest, but neither is quite there. I'm a little relieved that this means there's still a place for me write the book I want.
Mixed into this book are also some really solid bits of wisdom and a few pieces of advice I personally thought were terrible. Similarly, their ideas are sometimes backed up with research and citations, and other times not supported by data or common sense.
The book doesn't do as much to talk about all the other areas where people can design relationships to suit them, like choices about sex, marriage, children, and cohabitation. I've been looking for a while for one book that covers all the highlights on customizing relationships to fit the needs of those involved. Sex From Scratch and Designer Relationships have come closest, but neither is quite there. I'm a little relieved that this means there's still a place for me write the book I want.
Mixed into this book are also some really solid bits of wisdom and a few pieces of advice I personally thought were terrible. Similarly, their ideas are sometimes backed up with research and citations, and other times not supported by data or common sense.
March 29, 2017
A lovely little book that made me think a bit.
November 29, 2015
Designer Relationships is an excellent handbook for anyone seeking to create intimate relationships that are mutually fulfilling, loving, and full of passion. Michaels and Johnson have created exactly what they set out to create: an accessible, quick-reading guide that works for just about any kind combination of partners regardless of number, gender, or sexual proclivity. It’s not a guide for polyamorists, or a guide for same sex couples, or a guide for kinksters. Its a guide for lovers of all sorts who want to develop passion, love, and mutuality. Michaels and Johnson don’t assert that one arrangement is better than another, but they do assert that fostering love, empathy, and passion is valuable no matter what.
One of the things I value about Michaels and Johnson as purveyors of sex and relationship advice is that they always ground their work in historical context, and they do this successfully even in a very short book like Designer Relationships. By offering a historical view of monogamy and by distinguishing types of monogamy from one another, they offer the reader an opportunity to consider the weight of social expectations about monogamy while understanding the development of alternatives. They achieve this without jargon or heavy-handedness, letting the reader discover that what is does not have to be, and that new exciting relationship trends have long historical roots.
Despite it’s small size, Designer Relationships is an advice book that doesn’t shy away from difficult topics, and it offers comprehensive discussion along with little easily-digested tip sheets to help navigate those touchy areas. For example, Michaels and Johnson don’t presume that honesty is always appropriate in every interaction, and they explain why one might temper one’s honesty in a thorough discussion in Chapter 5, “Relationship Skills for Everyone,” but they also provide a quick bullet-point guide that make it easy to remember when and how honesty is most beneficial in relationships. They address the complexity of taking pleasure in a partner’s pleasure rather than focusing on “getting one’s own needs met” but without falling into a pattern of self-denial. When they provide examples of agreements that partners might make about their relationship, they offer a wide range without judgment or assumption about the reader.
Designer Relationships is incredibly accessible without being watered down. If you’ve read Partners In Passion, a more comprehensive look at creating intimacy in long-term relationships, much of the advice in Designer Relationships will be familiar. But the books are really quite different. You might think of Designer Relationships as a field guide, where Partners In Passion is a desk (or bedside) volume. In addition, Designer Relationships places more emphasis on the creation and negotiation of relationship options where Partners In Passion places more emphasis on the work that needs to occur within many of our existing relationships. They are excellent companions, but if I had to purchase only one, I’d purchase Designer Relationships. It’s small size, expansive scope, and widely-applicable advice make it remarkable.
One of the things I value about Michaels and Johnson as purveyors of sex and relationship advice is that they always ground their work in historical context, and they do this successfully even in a very short book like Designer Relationships. By offering a historical view of monogamy and by distinguishing types of monogamy from one another, they offer the reader an opportunity to consider the weight of social expectations about monogamy while understanding the development of alternatives. They achieve this without jargon or heavy-handedness, letting the reader discover that what is does not have to be, and that new exciting relationship trends have long historical roots.
Despite it’s small size, Designer Relationships is an advice book that doesn’t shy away from difficult topics, and it offers comprehensive discussion along with little easily-digested tip sheets to help navigate those touchy areas. For example, Michaels and Johnson don’t presume that honesty is always appropriate in every interaction, and they explain why one might temper one’s honesty in a thorough discussion in Chapter 5, “Relationship Skills for Everyone,” but they also provide a quick bullet-point guide that make it easy to remember when and how honesty is most beneficial in relationships. They address the complexity of taking pleasure in a partner’s pleasure rather than focusing on “getting one’s own needs met” but without falling into a pattern of self-denial. When they provide examples of agreements that partners might make about their relationship, they offer a wide range without judgment or assumption about the reader.
Designer Relationships is incredibly accessible without being watered down. If you’ve read Partners In Passion, a more comprehensive look at creating intimacy in long-term relationships, much of the advice in Designer Relationships will be familiar. But the books are really quite different. You might think of Designer Relationships as a field guide, where Partners In Passion is a desk (or bedside) volume. In addition, Designer Relationships places more emphasis on the creation and negotiation of relationship options where Partners In Passion places more emphasis on the work that needs to occur within many of our existing relationships. They are excellent companions, but if I had to purchase only one, I’d purchase Designer Relationships. It’s small size, expansive scope, and widely-applicable advice make it remarkable.
June 26, 2017
I was a bit underwhelmed with this book. It has some good information in it, and I'm sure it will be helpful to a lot of people out there, but there's nothing in it that to me makes it stand out more than other books on similar topics available on the market right now.
There were times when it felt like the subject jumped very quickly, and sometimes even seemed incoherent, with quotes in places that didn't seem to have anything to do with the content of the rest of the book around it.
I know the authors said their intent wasn't to go too far in depth and for the book to be readable during a plane flight time span, but I felt like there was certainly a mix of more advanced ideas in there that shouldn't have been introduced if the authors weren't feeling inclined to flesh them out. This didn't serve well as just a beginner or intro book in my opinion at all.
I also would have liked to see a little bit less of hierarchical stuff in a book called "Designer Relationships." I was thinking the book would be pleasantly free from some of those tropes, and while I understand that "going as slow as the slowest person" is something that some couples need, it wasn't really addressed that the "slow person" could become toxic and obstructionist with their discomfort if they were allowed to do that indefinitely. That is probably one of those pieces of advice that I feel like shouldn't have come without a far more in-depth analysis and explanation of possible pitfalls.
Good because I like seeing more books out there about non-traditional relationships, but I likely wouldn't recommend it to very many people.
There were times when it felt like the subject jumped very quickly, and sometimes even seemed incoherent, with quotes in places that didn't seem to have anything to do with the content of the rest of the book around it.
I know the authors said their intent wasn't to go too far in depth and for the book to be readable during a plane flight time span, but I felt like there was certainly a mix of more advanced ideas in there that shouldn't have been introduced if the authors weren't feeling inclined to flesh them out. This didn't serve well as just a beginner or intro book in my opinion at all.
I also would have liked to see a little bit less of hierarchical stuff in a book called "Designer Relationships." I was thinking the book would be pleasantly free from some of those tropes, and while I understand that "going as slow as the slowest person" is something that some couples need, it wasn't really addressed that the "slow person" could become toxic and obstructionist with their discomfort if they were allowed to do that indefinitely. That is probably one of those pieces of advice that I feel like shouldn't have come without a far more in-depth analysis and explanation of possible pitfalls.
Good because I like seeing more books out there about non-traditional relationships, but I likely wouldn't recommend it to very many people.
August 9, 2016
This is probably a very helpful book for someone. I found this very 101 and lacking in practical applications, nuance, and deep theoretical discussion. A good airport read to get someone thinking about this subject matter who hasn't yet before.
January 20, 2024
tbh didn’t go into enough depth on anything to be very helpful for anything other than a starter guide.
December 16, 2015
(Star rating 3.75)
There is little else more fun than being the author of your own life and whilst I adore Tolkien, he reserved his authorship for elves, hobbits and wizards. As much of a stupendous achievement Lord of the Rings is, I’ve gotta admit; I want to live that magical life… not just write about it.
The buzz around The Law of Attraction proves that people have a deep desire to truly design their own lives. And last week riding gracefully on the back of this popular concept and into my delighted hands, Mark Michael’s and Patricia Johnson’s new book with foreword by Ken Haslam, arrived in Sweden: ‘Designer Relationships – A guide to Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory and Optimistic Open Relationships.‘
I applaud the authors’ ambition to write such on such vast topic matter; yet depending on your point of view, it either serves as a good introductory text, or has not the length to adequately cover such a broad subject. I’m going to go with the first perception and authors’ own aim to have an ‘airport read’ and reduce it to my favourite quote.
"Designer relationships allow people to consider a broad spectrum of possible relationship styles and craft an approach that suits their circumstances. What works–not what’s supposed to be divinely ordained, natural or normal–is optimal." – Designer Relationships, Michaels & Johnson
Designer Relationships is a gentle, compassionate read which presents the subject in a most decorous and acceptable light, yet this also means it is not dramatic or compelling enough to encourage a dubious reader to finish it. This is not a book which will persuade those without an already open and curious mind. However if you are interested in the subject matter – as I am – you can devour it in one sitting. The particular strength of this book is its supporting research, albeit it from an America-centric perspective. Footnotes, data and references pepper the text and specifically quote from much of the excellent polyamorous literature and more open-minded relationship blogs out there, debunking many unconscious monogamous myths.
On the downside, I feel that this book is derived a little too much from the authors’ own experience (accumulated during their glorious partnership of 17 years) and is therefore necessarily skewed with their own beliefs and interpretations. For example, in the one descriptive paragraph covering fluid bonding, the authors state,
"There is an important emotional and symbolic component to the decision to stop using barriers and become fluid bonded."
Not necessarily. Just as with anything else, the importance of such a decision will depend on your own narrative. Such a decision could perhaps be neither emotional nor symbolic. It could be simply a logical step (hopefully after testing) because you both hate condoms. Attributing such importance as a default, only supports the narrative that fluid bonding is reserved for special deeply intimate relationships. Designer relationships, by definition, should be built on a neutral foundation.
Finally, before writing this review, I watched them both talk about their book in Sarah Arlen’s new series Polyamorous People (episode 2). It is clear that these two people have co-created a beautiful long lasting relationship where they express their non-exclusive inclination – in their own words – via erotic friendships whilst emotionally, they choose to be monogamous… This alone makes their book worth reading in my opinion. Whether I agree with it or not, for many longevity in their relationship is an ultimate goal for many. Patricia and Michael have accomplished this with their own designer relationship and that means their book brings a lot of ‘walk the talk’ value to open-minded, but emotionally monogamous people who are desperately searching for better alternatives to the Hollywood scripts we are fed on an interminable basis.
There is little else more fun than being the author of your own life and whilst I adore Tolkien, he reserved his authorship for elves, hobbits and wizards. As much of a stupendous achievement Lord of the Rings is, I’ve gotta admit; I want to live that magical life… not just write about it.
The buzz around The Law of Attraction proves that people have a deep desire to truly design their own lives. And last week riding gracefully on the back of this popular concept and into my delighted hands, Mark Michael’s and Patricia Johnson’s new book with foreword by Ken Haslam, arrived in Sweden: ‘Designer Relationships – A guide to Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory and Optimistic Open Relationships.‘
I applaud the authors’ ambition to write such on such vast topic matter; yet depending on your point of view, it either serves as a good introductory text, or has not the length to adequately cover such a broad subject. I’m going to go with the first perception and authors’ own aim to have an ‘airport read’ and reduce it to my favourite quote.
"Designer relationships allow people to consider a broad spectrum of possible relationship styles and craft an approach that suits their circumstances. What works–not what’s supposed to be divinely ordained, natural or normal–is optimal." – Designer Relationships, Michaels & Johnson
Designer Relationships is a gentle, compassionate read which presents the subject in a most decorous and acceptable light, yet this also means it is not dramatic or compelling enough to encourage a dubious reader to finish it. This is not a book which will persuade those without an already open and curious mind. However if you are interested in the subject matter – as I am – you can devour it in one sitting. The particular strength of this book is its supporting research, albeit it from an America-centric perspective. Footnotes, data and references pepper the text and specifically quote from much of the excellent polyamorous literature and more open-minded relationship blogs out there, debunking many unconscious monogamous myths.
On the downside, I feel that this book is derived a little too much from the authors’ own experience (accumulated during their glorious partnership of 17 years) and is therefore necessarily skewed with their own beliefs and interpretations. For example, in the one descriptive paragraph covering fluid bonding, the authors state,
"There is an important emotional and symbolic component to the decision to stop using barriers and become fluid bonded."
Not necessarily. Just as with anything else, the importance of such a decision will depend on your own narrative. Such a decision could perhaps be neither emotional nor symbolic. It could be simply a logical step (hopefully after testing) because you both hate condoms. Attributing such importance as a default, only supports the narrative that fluid bonding is reserved for special deeply intimate relationships. Designer relationships, by definition, should be built on a neutral foundation.
Finally, before writing this review, I watched them both talk about their book in Sarah Arlen’s new series Polyamorous People (episode 2). It is clear that these two people have co-created a beautiful long lasting relationship where they express their non-exclusive inclination – in their own words – via erotic friendships whilst emotionally, they choose to be monogamous… This alone makes their book worth reading in my opinion. Whether I agree with it or not, for many longevity in their relationship is an ultimate goal for many. Patricia and Michael have accomplished this with their own designer relationship and that means their book brings a lot of ‘walk the talk’ value to open-minded, but emotionally monogamous people who are desperately searching for better alternatives to the Hollywood scripts we are fed on an interminable basis.
December 21, 2020
Honestly, I was a bit let down by this book. Despite it being only 5 years old, it seems dreadfully out-of-date, focusing on sex, couple-dom, and assumed relationship heirarchies—not what I expected from a book that sounded more all-encompassing from the description. The couple- and underlying hetero-/cis-centrism aside, this book was a very quick, direct refresher on all things [more mainstream] non-monogamy. I wish there was more space given to emotions and day-to-day logistics (living together or not, raising kids, communicating with family about your relationships, etc.), and less given to Swinger lifestyles (which, having revolved in polyamorous circles for almost two decades, I have yet to know anyone who Swings). This book was not the Non-Monogamy 201 text I was hoping for... just another 101 book that would be low on my recommendations. (Insert shameless plug for “Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator” by Amy Gahran as a more thorough exploration of the ideas presented in this book.)
July 15, 2018
Chapter 5 - Relationship Skills for Everyone was fantastic. Chapter 6 - For Couples and Others was complete crap...too hetero and mono centric. And just very cringey. The rest of the book was meh.
August 1, 2023
There wasn't a whole lot of new information in this book. It just seemed like it was trying to convince a very conservative, boomer reader that they should practice non-monogamy. I was hoping for more dimensions in which a relationship could be designed and tools to do that. It had a few gems of good reminders and good bits.
January 27, 2018
You’ve probably heard of the saying, “We need to learn how to love ourselves before we can love another.” The real question is what is love? Once we know the real answer to that question, we can begin to understand how to truly love, and what to do when love shows up in different shapes and shades.
designer_relationshipsThe book Designer Relationships: A Guide to Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory, and Optimistic Open Relationships begins by explaining that there is a sexual revolution happening. This is a time when we get to decide for ourselves what kind of relationships work for us.
What has been common is monogamy by default, or going from one exclusive romantic relationship to another, otherwise known as serial monogamy. However there are many more relationship models; this may leave us confused. On one level, Designer Relationships is a field guide of what exactly is out there.
You’ve probably heard of friends with benefits, swinging and open relationships. How about people who choose to be single by choice, identify as Asexual, or choose to be non-sexual? The book also explains terms like monogamish (people who have occasional infidelities), polyagmory (people with many loves), and swolly (people who feel they are somewhere between swinging and polyamory) etc.
The book goes on to debunk myths around mono-normative beliefs (monogamous relationships are the only way), as well as misconceptions around consensual nonmonogamy. It highlights the difference between cheating and nonmonogamy and explains more about jealousy. Authors Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson, who are in a nonmongamous relationship, make it clear that they are not advocating that all of us ought to be in nonmongamous relationships, but rather are encouraging us to figure out what works for us as individuals.
As a sexologist who works predominantly with heterosexual couples who are monogamous, I found myself nodding my head at all the points in chapter five. It imparts a useful framework of the type of relationship skills all of us should have, regardless of relationship type or preference.
I liked how Designer Relationships not only had an easy and logical flow in its structure, but is also clear in its language. I happened to be running a group session on relationship as I was reading the book. So I decided to use its structure as a framework for my workshop, and incorporated several of the points in the book. It all went very well, which gave me a greater appreciation of the amount of work and thought that went into the writing of this book.
Designer Relationships does a great job of explaining what is probably alien to many readers, and talks about the process of opening up in chapter six. The last chapter covers ethical considerations in such relationships. I felt more emphasis needed to be placed on how opening up a relationship is not a substitute for saving one which is already on its hind legs; the triggers, complexities, vulnerabilities and challenges that would continue to come up; as well as the importance of ongoing communication. No one book can cover everything. I encourage readers to use this as a starter guide and delve more into this subject if inclined.
designer_relationshipsThe book Designer Relationships: A Guide to Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory, and Optimistic Open Relationships begins by explaining that there is a sexual revolution happening. This is a time when we get to decide for ourselves what kind of relationships work for us.
What has been common is monogamy by default, or going from one exclusive romantic relationship to another, otherwise known as serial monogamy. However there are many more relationship models; this may leave us confused. On one level, Designer Relationships is a field guide of what exactly is out there.
You’ve probably heard of friends with benefits, swinging and open relationships. How about people who choose to be single by choice, identify as Asexual, or choose to be non-sexual? The book also explains terms like monogamish (people who have occasional infidelities), polyagmory (people with many loves), and swolly (people who feel they are somewhere between swinging and polyamory) etc.
The book goes on to debunk myths around mono-normative beliefs (monogamous relationships are the only way), as well as misconceptions around consensual nonmonogamy. It highlights the difference between cheating and nonmonogamy and explains more about jealousy. Authors Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson, who are in a nonmongamous relationship, make it clear that they are not advocating that all of us ought to be in nonmongamous relationships, but rather are encouraging us to figure out what works for us as individuals.
As a sexologist who works predominantly with heterosexual couples who are monogamous, I found myself nodding my head at all the points in chapter five. It imparts a useful framework of the type of relationship skills all of us should have, regardless of relationship type or preference.
I liked how Designer Relationships not only had an easy and logical flow in its structure, but is also clear in its language. I happened to be running a group session on relationship as I was reading the book. So I decided to use its structure as a framework for my workshop, and incorporated several of the points in the book. It all went very well, which gave me a greater appreciation of the amount of work and thought that went into the writing of this book.
Designer Relationships does a great job of explaining what is probably alien to many readers, and talks about the process of opening up in chapter six. The last chapter covers ethical considerations in such relationships. I felt more emphasis needed to be placed on how opening up a relationship is not a substitute for saving one which is already on its hind legs; the triggers, complexities, vulnerabilities and challenges that would continue to come up; as well as the importance of ongoing communication. No one book can cover everything. I encourage readers to use this as a starter guide and delve more into this subject if inclined.
February 9, 2022
This book does well in giving an overview over different kind of relationship styles without elevating one over the other or being judgemental. If you’ve already dived a little bit into the topic and might have read other books or resources, you won’t find too many new facts, but it is a great reminder to show how large our thinking is biased through a mono- and heteronormative world view. I, for my part, often find myself realizing how many internalized thoughts concerning relationships I have, which have nothing to do with the way I actually feel or what I want for myself.
Although the book has a few chapters about jealousy, honesty, etc. it’s not so much a self-help or “how to” guide. For these I would recommend The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love or The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships. Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy is supposedly also very good, but I haven’t read that one yet.
Although the book has a few chapters about jealousy, honesty, etc. it’s not so much a self-help or “how to” guide. For these I would recommend The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love or The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships. Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy is supposedly also very good, but I haven’t read that one yet.
September 9, 2020
I liked this whole concept of “Designer relationship”. Sometimes it is so difficult to agree on the meaning behind the words and labels, so why do we even have to. There is no “right” way to do a relationship, the most important thing is to make sure that it works for everyone involved, and that it is ethical and consensual. So why don’t we consider it just a designer relationship, whatever you consciously make it to be, and not following the usual steps of the relationship escalator because that’s what we’re used to. And I do like that authors don’t judge traditional way to do a relationship (which I notice quite often in other poly literature). Neither they favor any kind of the open ones.
The book provides a lot of references to the research, statistics, historical information. They also try to gather all common ENM / poly terminology, discussing variations in the meanings, but don’t go too much in depth. It’s a nice overview of lots of possibilities out there with the general idea that we all just should listen to ourselves and stay true and authentic.
The book provides a lot of references to the research, statistics, historical information. They also try to gather all common ENM / poly terminology, discussing variations in the meanings, but don’t go too much in depth. It’s a nice overview of lots of possibilities out there with the general idea that we all just should listen to ourselves and stay true and authentic.
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July 29, 2021Haslam's forward for this book says it was intended to be "a short book that could be purchased in an airline terminal in Boston and be finished before landing in Los Angeles" and with that in mind this is a good book. I did think the gender analysis was weak, and the authors did a poor job of explaining the history of non-monogamous relationships, which I thought was a major oversight. Seems like a good reference book to have on hand, no matter your relationship preferences.
February 28, 2017
The book, as many of these books do, spends a lot of time talking about outsider stereotypes of what the authors call "Designer Relationships" and other nontraditional relationships look like, but don't, to my taste, spend nearly enough time discussing the positive and negative elements that are unique to these relationships. Perhaps this is always the problem of reading work designed to introduce outsiders into a realm of thought.
The writers are clearly smart, and may do great work, but this book was too focused on perception, perhaps the book was too short, or both. In any case, I think the book is not bad. It's a fairly quick read, and has several good points to make. For people who have read on the topic, or have lived it, I'd give it a three. For those who haven't, I'd give it a four. And due to the fact that this work is making points that are not made in many other places, I'll give it a four.
The writers are clearly smart, and may do great work, but this book was too focused on perception, perhaps the book was too short, or both. In any case, I think the book is not bad. It's a fairly quick read, and has several good points to make. For people who have read on the topic, or have lived it, I'd give it a three. For those who haven't, I'd give it a four. And due to the fact that this work is making points that are not made in many other places, I'll give it a four.
December 6, 2015
A very good read. They aren't advocating any particular relationship style, but the idea of mindfully choosing what works for you and those you love. Although they don't completely avoid their own biases, they do a good job of addressing many different perspectives without judgement, and with respect.
September 17, 2023
I mean, they're not wrong.
June 14, 2022
If non monogamy is new to you, this might challenge some conceptions you've had engrained. If not, it won't be any new information.
August 12, 2024
Personally I can think of better titles but overall a book that needed to be written about a different POV on relationships
Notes:
- individuals now have the freedom to craft partnerships that truly reflect their desires, values, and needs.
- Kenneth Haslam, founder of the Kinsey Institute’s Polyamory Archive, coined the term “designer relationships” to describe this new paradigm. This concept encompasses a wide spectrum of relationship structures, all united by their emphasis on conscious choice and mutual agreement. (still can think of better titles)
- designer relationships encourage open communication about boundaries, preferences, and agreements. This approach fosters a deeper understanding between partners and allows relationships to evolve as circumstances and desires change.
- By viewing partnerships as something that can be consciously crafted, individuals can create connections that are more authentic, fulfilling, and tailored to their unique situations
- Self-awareness is crucial in nonmonogamous relationships. Understanding your desires, boundaries, and emotional needs helps you communicate more effectively with partners and make informed decisions about your relationships.
- Before involving others, explore new sexual territories with your primary partner. This might include role-playing, trying new positions, or experimenting with power dynamics.
Misconceptions about consensual nonmonogamy
- Myth 1: Consensual nonmonogamy threatens the institution of marriage
- Myth 2: Consensually nonmonogamous people have a higher risk of contracting STDs
- Myth 3: People in nonmonogamous relationships are incapable of true intimacy
- Myth 4: Cheating and consensual nonmonogamy are the same thing
- Myth 5: Designer relationships are male-dominated
- Myth 6: Monogamy is better for children (not concrete either way but sure)
Relationship Structures
Single by choice: Individuals who actively choose to remain unpartnered, focusing on personal growth, career, or other priorities. This lifestyle emphasizes self-sufficiency and independence.
Single and polyamorous: Those who maintain multiple romantic or sexual connections without a primary partner. This approach allows for diverse experiences and connections without the traditional framework of a central relationship.
Nonsexual: Relationships that don’t involve sexual activity, often based on strong emotional or intellectual connections. These partnerships can be deeply fulfilling and may include activities like co-parenting or shared living arrangements.
Monogamous by choice: Partners who consciously choose exclusivity after exploring other options or considering alternatives. This deliberate decision often leads to a stronger commitment and clearer boundaries.
Semiconsensual nonmonogamy: An arrangement where one partner engages in outside relationships with the other’s reluctant agreement. This can be challenging and requires careful navigation, open communication, and ongoing consent.
Open relationships: Partnerships where both individuals agree to engage in sexual (and sometimes romantic) connections outside the primary relationship. Rules and boundaries are typically established to maintain the primary bond.
Monogamish: Coined by writer Dan Savage, this describes primarily monogamous couples who occasionally allow sexual encounters with others, often under specific circumstances. This might include threesomes or hall passes during travel.
Friends with benefits: A friendship that includes a sexual component without the expectations of a romantic relationship. This arrangement allows for sexual exploration within a trusted friendship.
Swinging: Couples who engage in recreational sexual activities with other couples or individuals, often at organized events or parties. Swinging typically focuses on sexual variety rather than emotional connections.
Polyamory: The practice of maintaining multiple romantic relationships simultaneously, with the full knowledge and consent of all involved. For example: A triad where three individuals are all romantically involved with each other, or a V-shaped relationship where one person has two partners who aren’t involved with each other.
Swolly: A blend of swinging and polyamory, where couples engage in both recreational sex and form emotional connections with others. This approach combines the sexual variety of swinging with the emotional depth of polyamory.
Polyfidelity: A closed polyamorous relationship where all members are considered equal and agree not to seek additional partners. This structure offers multiple connections within a defined group.
Kink: Consensual non-conventional sexual practices, often involving power dynamics, role-play, or specific fetishes. While not a relationship structure itself, kink can be an important aspect of many designer relationships, allowing for exploration of desires and fantasies.
Notes:
- individuals now have the freedom to craft partnerships that truly reflect their desires, values, and needs.
- Kenneth Haslam, founder of the Kinsey Institute’s Polyamory Archive, coined the term “designer relationships” to describe this new paradigm. This concept encompasses a wide spectrum of relationship structures, all united by their emphasis on conscious choice and mutual agreement. (still can think of better titles)
- designer relationships encourage open communication about boundaries, preferences, and agreements. This approach fosters a deeper understanding between partners and allows relationships to evolve as circumstances and desires change.
- By viewing partnerships as something that can be consciously crafted, individuals can create connections that are more authentic, fulfilling, and tailored to their unique situations
- Self-awareness is crucial in nonmonogamous relationships. Understanding your desires, boundaries, and emotional needs helps you communicate more effectively with partners and make informed decisions about your relationships.
- Before involving others, explore new sexual territories with your primary partner. This might include role-playing, trying new positions, or experimenting with power dynamics.
Misconceptions about consensual nonmonogamy
- Myth 1: Consensual nonmonogamy threatens the institution of marriage
- Myth 2: Consensually nonmonogamous people have a higher risk of contracting STDs
- Myth 3: People in nonmonogamous relationships are incapable of true intimacy
- Myth 4: Cheating and consensual nonmonogamy are the same thing
- Myth 5: Designer relationships are male-dominated
- Myth 6: Monogamy is better for children (not concrete either way but sure)
Relationship Structures
Single by choice: Individuals who actively choose to remain unpartnered, focusing on personal growth, career, or other priorities. This lifestyle emphasizes self-sufficiency and independence.
Single and polyamorous: Those who maintain multiple romantic or sexual connections without a primary partner. This approach allows for diverse experiences and connections without the traditional framework of a central relationship.
Nonsexual: Relationships that don’t involve sexual activity, often based on strong emotional or intellectual connections. These partnerships can be deeply fulfilling and may include activities like co-parenting or shared living arrangements.
Monogamous by choice: Partners who consciously choose exclusivity after exploring other options or considering alternatives. This deliberate decision often leads to a stronger commitment and clearer boundaries.
Semiconsensual nonmonogamy: An arrangement where one partner engages in outside relationships with the other’s reluctant agreement. This can be challenging and requires careful navigation, open communication, and ongoing consent.
Open relationships: Partnerships where both individuals agree to engage in sexual (and sometimes romantic) connections outside the primary relationship. Rules and boundaries are typically established to maintain the primary bond.
Monogamish: Coined by writer Dan Savage, this describes primarily monogamous couples who occasionally allow sexual encounters with others, often under specific circumstances. This might include threesomes or hall passes during travel.
Friends with benefits: A friendship that includes a sexual component without the expectations of a romantic relationship. This arrangement allows for sexual exploration within a trusted friendship.
Swinging: Couples who engage in recreational sexual activities with other couples or individuals, often at organized events or parties. Swinging typically focuses on sexual variety rather than emotional connections.
Polyamory: The practice of maintaining multiple romantic relationships simultaneously, with the full knowledge and consent of all involved. For example: A triad where three individuals are all romantically involved with each other, or a V-shaped relationship where one person has two partners who aren’t involved with each other.
Swolly: A blend of swinging and polyamory, where couples engage in both recreational sex and form emotional connections with others. This approach combines the sexual variety of swinging with the emotional depth of polyamory.
Polyfidelity: A closed polyamorous relationship where all members are considered equal and agree not to seek additional partners. This structure offers multiple connections within a defined group.
Kink: Consensual non-conventional sexual practices, often involving power dynamics, role-play, or specific fetishes. While not a relationship structure itself, kink can be an important aspect of many designer relationships, allowing for exploration of desires and fantasies.
January 13, 2021
At first I gave three stars but that’s not a truly guiding rating really because Designer Relationships is better than “just three stars”. It is however a book with limitations, which is both a bit frustrating and nice at the same time. And perhaps fitting for its subject of limiting oneself to one person versus opening up towards multiple people, or opening up to one person and limiting oneself from multiple people.
The book is a great overview of both monogamy and multiple relationships and a strength is that regardless of the number of people relationships matter and need to be cared for. This makes Designer Relationships accessible to both those who are completely new to thinking about relationships in general or monogamy and multiple relationships specifically and to those who tried and have more or less experience and need perspectives.
The book doesn’t have “all the answers” and many will probably benefit from continue thinking and reading other books (like for example The Erotic Mind) after Designer Relationships but it’s valuable. And after all worth the read and four stars.
The book is a great overview of both monogamy and multiple relationships and a strength is that regardless of the number of people relationships matter and need to be cared for. This makes Designer Relationships accessible to both those who are completely new to thinking about relationships in general or monogamy and multiple relationships specifically and to those who tried and have more or less experience and need perspectives.
The book doesn’t have “all the answers” and many will probably benefit from continue thinking and reading other books (like for example The Erotic Mind) after Designer Relationships but it’s valuable. And after all worth the read and four stars.
October 24, 2022
This book is a short, easy to read, and very brief introduction of diverse relationship types, modalities, and orientations.
I enjoy how the authors try and support different expressions of love: from conscious monogamy to the most diverse poly arrangements.
As an introduction, the book sometimes feels a bit shallow. But it is a good resource to level readers and present them to new topics and ways of thinking and relating.
Another great point is that the authors cite their references throughout the text. (This should be standard practice, but alas, it is not.)
Great introductory read, short and to the point. 4/5.
I enjoy how the authors try and support different expressions of love: from conscious monogamy to the most diverse poly arrangements.
As an introduction, the book sometimes feels a bit shallow. But it is a good resource to level readers and present them to new topics and ways of thinking and relating.
Another great point is that the authors cite their references throughout the text. (This should be standard practice, but alas, it is not.)
Great introductory read, short and to the point. 4/5.
June 21, 2022
Not impressed, there is better literature out there. My experience of non-monogamy has led me to be skeptical if a lot of the literature
September 17, 2020
By the time I finished this book I realized how futuristic it is. Designer Relationships, in my opinion, takes a carful look at the dynamics of intimate relationships, through a scientific lens, and offers perspective on what faithful or meaningful relationships can look like, and relieves tension around taboo subjects like polyamory and open relationships.
I think this book explores and simplifies, for the reader, challenging conversations around alternative relationship styles, as well as classical ones, and is possibly one of the best guides, or ice breakers for creating conversation around love and relationships today.
I think it’s a good read for anyone wanting to learn more about intimate relationships, regardless of their preferential relationship archetype. Especially for those seeking exclusive monogamous relationships.
I think this book explores and simplifies, for the reader, challenging conversations around alternative relationship styles, as well as classical ones, and is possibly one of the best guides, or ice breakers for creating conversation around love and relationships today.
I think it’s a good read for anyone wanting to learn more about intimate relationships, regardless of their preferential relationship archetype. Especially for those seeking exclusive monogamous relationships.
January 30, 2016
I would recommend this book to people that are in monogamous relationships, and are thinking about opening up (or are thinking about staying monogamous, honestly). Other than that, it's a little too broad for folks already in open relationships (which, to be fair, they make pretty clear at the beginning). I did like the beginning section on monogamy (funny enough), because I thought it was a great relational point to demonstrate that every relationship has both monogamous and nonmonogamous aspects to it (and that that's perfectly okay). The section on 'Relationship Skills For Everyone' was also good. The rest was way too fluffy for my taste/ where I'm at.
December 19, 2021
This book might be a good resource for someone who is literally just learning about anything outside of monogamy for the very first time, but for anyone who has any kind of experience or knowledge already, this book agonizingly simple and basic with no real useful learnings or advanced insights.
Additionally, the pacing of the book is dreadfully slow. There are vast sections where historical fact after statistical number is thrown out non-stop as if the authors were trying to meet some minimum word count for publishing or for a high school essay. They could have cut the fat tremendously and simply annotated the references for those so inclined to read deeper into.
Additionally, the pacing of the book is dreadfully slow. There are vast sections where historical fact after statistical number is thrown out non-stop as if the authors were trying to meet some minimum word count for publishing or for a high school essay. They could have cut the fat tremendously and simply annotated the references for those so inclined to read deeper into.
June 13, 2021
Great book on creating relationships that work for you. While I'm in a monogamous relationship with no desire to change that structure, there were still so many takeaways from this. Hopefully "polyamory" in the title won't put off fellow monogamous couples from reading this insightful book. The authors don't emphasize one structure over another but instead just share healthy ways of relating and creating an intentional relationship. I think most ppl don't really go about creating relationships mindfully, and instead just plod along with society's prescriptive relationship ideals.
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