Your Teenager Is Not Crazy: Understanding Your Teen's Brain Can Make You a Better Parent

by Jeramy Clark, Jerusha Clark

As God allows us to understand the mystery and marvel of brain science, we have the exciting opportunity to reexamine our assumptions about human behavior. Perhaps nowhere does this impact our lives more profoundly than when we think about raising children--especially teenagers. Where parents often see a sweet boy or girl who has morphed into an incomprehensible bundle of hormones and angst, what we really ought to be seeing is an amazing young adult whose brain is under heavy construction. And changing the way we see our teens will revolutionize our relationships with them.
Organized by what we hear teens say--things like "I'm bored," "You just don't understand," "Why are you freaking out?," "I hate my life!," or "Hold on . . . I just have to send this"--this book helps parents develop compassion for their teens and discernment in parenting them as their brains are progressively remodeled. Rather than seeing the teen years as a time to simply hold on for dear life, Dr. Jeramy and Jerusha Clark show that they can be an amazing season of cultivating creativity, self-awareness, and passion for the things that really matter.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Christian Non Fiction, Christian, Family, Self Help, Psychology

320 pages, Paperback

First published April 5, 2016

Reviews

[Lindsay · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent look at the care and compassion teens need. Each section reviews spirituality, biology, and psychology. I particularly appreciated diving into tricky topics like depression in teens with more than a “pray your way through it” mentality.

[Josh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Listened. The best parenting book I’ve read to-date. and super duper helpful, even if your kids aren’t teenagers yet.

[Heidi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Highly recommend! I only wish I had started this one when my son was 11, instead of waiting until he turned 13. This will be a re-read for sure as we continue to add adolescents to the mix in our home.

[Bethany · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend this book for the teenage years. It covers a multitude of topics with each chapter broken into Bio 101, Psych 101, and Faith 101. Will definitely be re-reading with each kid!

[Analie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book about parenting teens I've read! The Clarks are rockstars when it comes to rooting brain science within a biblical framework. Their work not only helps parents understand their teens and have empathy for them, but also helps parents learn to manage their own emotions, model healthy boundaries, and hold meaningful conversations that get beyond the rut of "How was your day? Fine." The examples of what to say were particularly helpful.

[Mary Frances · Rating 4 out of 5]

Have found myself referencing and utilizing some of the info this book gives with my 12 year old. Feels a bit like The Whole Brain child with faith added in.

[Christie Saunders · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read. This.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

In the Parenting Teens Summit I watched a few months ago, I was captivated by the message presented by this intelligent couple. In easy-to-understand language, they use brain research to help you understand why teens act the way they do and how the information can help you in your quest for intentional parenting.

I became a mom of a teen last year, and I'm scrambling to get my hands on the very best resources for parenting teens. This is probably the most useful one I've found so far. It's not one to read in a single sitting. There is so much game-shifting information to process that you need some time to absorb. But this book is literally making me into a calmer, more patient, and more understand mother of my teenage son.

I now understand these things about my teen that exasperated me before:

His constant complaint of "I'm bored" is actually healthy, because his brain craves new experiences.
His late-night open conversation channel is biologically programmed (unfortunately, right when my energy level tanks).
He has perhaps a 50% success rate in accurately interpreting my facial expressions, while I have a 100% success rate as an adult, since his brain is still developing and mine is "old." That's why he keeps saying, "Why do you look so mad, Mom?" when I have a neutral expression.

I'm only halfway through this book, and it's a gem. Well worth the purchase price. I'll close with this powerful and encouraging quote:

Parenting a teen is difficult work. God alone enables us to do it well. Every day, we need to put our faith and hope in the goodness of our heavenly Father...It's not enough to know in general terms that God loves the world. Trusting in his love, grace, and peace for you is your source of help and hope.

[Jenn · Rating 3 out of 5]

My biggest takeaway: "If you can grasp that a remarkable and massive remodeling is going on in your teen's brain, you can develop greater compassion for the days of experimentation, exhilaration, and confusion."

[Sarah Moore · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is very accessible and informative and an important read for parents of teens, blending together multiple elements of parenting that are often isolated or neglected.

Every chapter is based on a specific issue one might face with a teen: attitude, behavior, or even health topics (sleep, anxiety, puberty, etc).
Each chapter is structured the same way, which makes it easy to follow: Bio 101 - addressing what's happening biologically in the adolescent, Psych 101 - addressing the more psychological elements (which often built off of the biological), Faith 101 - addressing the spiritual side and Biblical call to truth and faith, and then a Try It Today section with some useful practical applications.

I really appreciated that this brought the scientific/developmental perspective, which really focused on how the brain works and develops and what chemical and hormonal changes are happening, to understand the teen years and teen struggles in a way that really humanizes the teen and gives lots of room for understanding and grace, while also wisdom for how to effectively address the problem and not miss what's actually going on.

While bringing that, the book still maintained a solid faith perspective and didn't overlook an accountability to Biblical truth. I actually appreciated the Faith sections more the further the book progressed, because they seemed to start fairly light and surfacy, but further into the book they dug deeper into the gospel, the heart of the matter, and giving grace.

But even before then, I was struck and encouraged by the Faith sections addressing the parents often more than the teen. It was less about "here's a faith lesson I need to push on my teen" and more about "here's how to live out this concept yourself, and so model it to your teen and engage with your teen well."
I think this book would be a great supplement to a parenting book that does focus more on faith and the gospel, to build that foundation well, while then adding in this dimensional perspective that many Christian parenting books miss entirely.

I also appreciated that much of the "Try it Today" advice was proactive things to initiate, to establish healthy relationships and nip problems in the bud before they even arise. So often parenting advice is "When this happens... do this" which is SO important and so valuable, but honestly, sometimes hard to start applying because you're waiting around for a specific situation to arise and then hoping you remember the right way to respond.
While that still needs to happen, this book was good about saying, "before that situation even arises, do this..." so you can read a chapter, put the book down, and theoretically then and there go do something. I can't say I actually put any of the advice into action just yet, but I do intend to go back over what I highlighted and make notes about what I can start doing. And I feel like I can actually just start doing it, because I won't have to wait for a specific behavior or attitude to arise, I can just start implementing some healthy relational patterns.

[Cinder · Rating 4 out of 5]

I definitely recommend this book for anyone who is raising a teen (or soon to be teen) or anyone who works with them in any capacity. I spent all of my career as a college counselor until a year or so ago when I decided to work in a high school. I was beyond nervous as I was used to "adult-kids" and had no clue how the teenage mind really worked these days lol. This book was a great introduction & refresher about what is happening inside a teen's brain during these years, something I'm sure we don't often think about. I'm sure brain development isn't the first thing that goes through anyone's mind when a teen does something dumb or completely ridiculous that makes us question his/her intelligence & sanity. I found using some of the ideas mentioned coupled with my prior counseling experience & expertise have really helped me develop a solid rapport with my students in a short amount of time & help me to be a better counselor. As a trained counselor, naturally there are certain techniques you already know when working with anyone, but understanding the physical changes the brain goes through during this time really helped. There are definitely some moments in the book that make you say "there is no way any parent would ever be able to react so calmly in this scenario" but overall, the message is a good one. The reason I'm giving 4 starts instead of 5 is because of the chapters on depression & anxiety treatments. As I mentioned, I am a licensed counselor, trained in therapy techniques & treatments. I am not a fan of pushing medication, especially with young people whose brains are still developing, except when deemed necessary by a licensed, medical professional. Though my training has allowed me to know when depression or anxiety is severe enough that medication is necessary, I never suggest it as an option when making outside referrals, because it is beyond my professional scope. The authors are not qualified to be discussing medication in any capacity & if someone reading this misinterprets it, they will be rushing their kid off to the first medical professional who will write a script. Yes, the authors are very intelligent and have experience with teenagers (from what I read just through their own family & the church), but they do not have training in mental illness nor medicine. I find that many people see the title Dr. & falsely assume that means that person can give medical advice, so when hearing Dr. Clark discuss medicine, one can naively assume he is a medical professional. A doctorate in ministry from a seminary is in no way comparable to the years and training that grant a medical doctor the MD after their name and if using the title Dr. (rightfully so b/c it was earned) then when discussing a medical matter or medicine, it should be noted that they are not trained in this area. They do mention to consult physicians, etc. but from my experience working with parents of teens, when they are desperate and looking for answers to "fix" their kid, everything you say they take as gospel so it's important that anyone in a guidance role doesn't overstep & recognizes the influence they have. This was my only issue with the book and overall, this is a must -read as mentioned. I read it on kindle but will be purchasing the paper copy for my professional library. PS - took me forever to read b/c I had just started my new job and was completely overwhelmed lol

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent, excellent resource for parents of soon to be teens and teens - really anyone who comes in contact with teens.
The chapters are organized by common phrases you might hear your teen utter. For example, "I'm bored." Then within that chapter it has a short intro followed by a section that explains the biology of what is going on inside your teens brain. Fascinating facts and well researched. I really appreciate that though the authors teach us about the biology, they acknowledge that it does not excuse behavior. We can have compassion *and* hold our teens accountable.
After the biology section come the section about the psychology of what parents can expect to face. Really good tips and reminders here.
Then the faith section is next and that addresses the heart issues and spiritual health of the teens. Lest we forget to remove the planks from our own eyes, the authors usually incorporate a very practical and convicting heart check for parents too.
Last, is the Try it Today section which provides one actionable step parents can take to address the concern in that particular chapter.
I will most definitely be re-reading this as I needed one read through just to become acquainted with the information.
What a great tool to have in your parenting tool chest.

[Maddie Settle · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a parent currently in the throws of teen parenting, this book was the window I needed into my son’s brain. The insights and biblically rooted perspective has given me the tools to move forward more intentionally with my teen(s) instead of feeling like I was shooting in the dark. Our kiddos are great kids, yet the transition from boyhood to adolescence has been at times abrupt and discouraging as we suddenly find ourselves unable to read each other well and function as we have always function. We no longer feel as though we are in uncharted waters. This book is a great map. Along with prayers, scripture and the grace of God, this book will change the way you see your teen. It has already made a world of difference in our own relationship and I find myself more patient, less wounded, and more encouraged than I had been before. Highly recommend this book to my fellow parents of teens!

[Emelia Bramante · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was incredibly helpful to understand the development of the teenage brain. Practical, educational, encouraging and well-balanced. The scientific explanations weren’t too complex for me to understand which is saying something!

[Jennie Nelson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was incredibly helpful and encouraging for the teen years. Highly recommend.

[Lisa Smith]

There’s probably good info in here, but I’m not willing to wade through the God stuff to get to it.

[Jen Moore · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is by far my favorite book on parenting adolescence!

[Renee Cheek · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of helpful thoughts. Want to re-listen to last three hours as my girls get older.

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dez Stevens recommended this book to me. The premise is that understanding your teen’s brain can make you a better parent. Unlike other parenting books I’ve read, this one looks at each topic 3 ways- Bio 101, Psych 101, and Faith 101. The final section of each chapter gives ideas to try today. The bottom line is you can’t control your children anymore than you can control the weather. So many things are changing for them that they don’t even understand what’s happening. Since the prefrontal cortex is the last to develop around 25, we’ve got to use our fully developed ones to help our teens. The information in this book definitely makes me feel more compassionate towards my sons. I’m hoping we all survive this and can look back and laugh someday.

[Michaela · Rating 5 out of 5]

I did really enjoy this book and found it very helpful - not just for understanding my teen but also some helpful tips for myself too!

The way the book is organised is helpful, but it does mean a little bit of repetition at times. However, generally I found this an assistance to my learning, as it helped me remember key points and names of processes etc.

I recommend this book, there is a lot of really useful information on how the teenage brain develops, ideas, strategies, skills and tools to deal with specific scenarios, as well as lots of Biblical backing in addition to the science.

This is a really helpful read, that I will definitely come back to for reference.

[Heidi · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent book about what REALLY goes on through the teenage years.
It is almost ALL about the brain and the pruning that takes place.
I highly recommend this book to anyone who has teenagers NOW or in the near future.

[Lila Diller · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't recommend this book enough!! It's easy-to-read, even with a bunch of scientific facts thrown in, and I love how it's organized into 3 easy sections for each chapter (except 2 special ones): Bio 101, Psych 101, and Faith 101. They bring every issue back to biblical principles, and the biology is always credited to the Creator of our intricate brains.

It was interesting that this book was written directly to parents (as well as others with teenagers in their lives, like youth pastors and teachers). The overarching message is one of grace – give your teen a little compassion and gently guide them during this challenging time with your adult brain. There were many times that the lessons spoke to the adults as needing to be an example in these areas – and openly admitting when we struggle with them, too.

I loved how there were practical ideas in every chapter! I needed the reminder to keep conversations going (not with just one long lecture for each issue) with smaller bite-sizes (or byte-sizes?) for their internal processors to digest easier. And there are several chapters and appendices for sleep habits, eating habits, substance abuse, self-injury, and suicide.

Just a wealth of great ideas with tons of extra resources!

Favorite quotes: I have over 40 pages dog-eared and more with underlining! I'll try to keep it to the most practical for me:

“...[We] cannot separate adolescent brain development from soul development.” (p. 9)

“Teenagers aren't crazy; they're just under construction.” (p. 17)

“Understanding your adolescent begins here: teens feel misunderstood because parents expect them to stay the same, but adolescence is all about change.” (p. 23)

“Allowing your adolescent to practice the skills necessary for adulthood while still in your home is a tremendous gift. It takes more time, patience, grace, and discernment than simply controlling or checking out...” (p. 35)

“Desiring the dopamine rush is not the problem; getting it in unhealthy ways is. Don't mistake the two.” (p. 62)

“Teenage brains are like cars with supersensitive gas pedals and poor brakes.” (p. 67, quoting Dr. Laurence Steinberg)

“Conflict with your teenager is an opportunity for growth – in both of you – if you allow God to use it for redemptive purposes.” (p. 96)

“...striving for too much pleasure diminishes your ability to enjoy it.” (p. 160)

“Scientists have linked social networking to lack of self-control … higher body mass index, increased binge eating, a lower credit score, and higher levels of credit card debt...” (p. 165)

“According to Dr. Newberg, mirror neurons can play an important role in the communication of faith. If someone speaks about God in loving and confident ways, 'those traits are similarly now reflected in the brains of all that are listening.'” (p. 187)

“Dr. Kara Powell and Dr. Chap Clark brilliantly advise, 'never explain something to your kid if you can ask a question instead.'” (p. 189)

...and so many more!

(I received a copy for free as a gift. I was not compensated for this review. All opinions are my own, as was the decision to write this review.)

[Michele Rearden · Rating 5 out of 5]

While pregnant with your first child, a mother generally reads everything she can about how to take care of and raise a baby. However, most of those books stop being helpful around the 2, or maybe the 5, year mark. The next type of book you may start reading are how to discipline your children (Shepherding a Child's Heart or Don't Make Me Count to Three come to mind). These books are helpful from about age 2/3-8ish. Then what?

As my children leave behind their elementary years and steam ahead into being teen agers, or as I try to more often than not, 'young adults', I found there was very little out there that we helpful. Until I stumbled upon this book.

Jeremy and Jershua do a beautiful job of giving parents just enough biology, psychology, and Godly advice and understanding on a variety of topics. Each chapter deals with a different issue or problems that most teens deal with ( desire/drive for adventure and the rush of doing something new, the fear of new circumstances, self doubt/pity/selfishness, to eating disorders, anxiety, sex, rash out bursts, disrespectfulness, etc). The chapters are all laid out the same, there is a short story/example to draw you in, then a section on the biology of the issue (what's going on physically, generally within their brain as they deconstruct and reconstruct that beautiful brain that God gave them), a section on psychology (explaining how/why they are feeling/acting in a specific way without excusing it), and a section on Biblically....what does God's word say. This section reminds us that God designed our teens, he loves them, and he is in the middle crafting and creating who they are. Finally, each section ends with a challenge. Anything from "Smile at your teen today because....", to " try something new with them. Feel the rush and excitement of doing something adventurous", to "Ask them what their fears are, and the commit to pray for/with them. Follow up in a week or two and really care about their concerns, don't downplay them."

I have a deep desire to KNOW my children. To be their ally and their mentor. I recognize that others will come along into their lives and fill those roles as well, but I want them to know that I am on their side. This book has helped me to understand why my teens react the way they do at times, and rather than excuse it, the book then helped me plan ways to respond in a loving, Godly way.

I think this is a must read for anyone with a child who is 11 or older....and then a book that ought to be picked up and thumbed through for the next 10 years. I think I'm going to start buying this book for my mom friends who are on the cusp of parenting teenagers (PS...it's not just for mom!)

So today, smile at your teen. They may even surprise you, and smile back :)

[Sarah Carter · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Understanding your adolescent begins here: teens feel misunderstood because parents expect them to stay the same, but adolescence is all about change.”

Is there any science that can explain teenage behavior? The Clarks explore this idea in Your Teenager is Not Crazy: Understanding Your Teen’s Brain Can Make You a Better Parent. Teenagers’ brains are rapidly changing and learning how to process feelings and information. Learning the biology of how teenagers are developing can help parents more readily understand and prepare for the teenage years.

I first heard about Your Teenager is Not Crazy: Understanding Your Teen’s Brain Can Make You a Better Parent while listening to a Focus on the Family broadcast where the authors were interviewed. The podcast was interesting and I immediately put the book on my to-read list and requested the audiobook from the library. It was available after waiting a few weeks.

I listened to everything but the appendixes for the book and found it very interesting. I don’t have teenagers yet, but this book definitely has me thinking about some different strategies to start implementing as they get close to being teenagers. One of the main suggestions is to continually ask questions to make them think and make connections, which will help their brains grow and mature. Each chapter is a phrase that a teenager would say from “I’m starving” to “I’m so bored.” Then, the authors delve into the science behind why the teenager is having trouble in that area, gives examples from their own experiences with their teenagers and gives tips that are easy to apply. The book also often gives suggestions from a faith-based Christian perspective.

I would highly recommend this book to parents of teenagers or tweens. I think even non-faith families will appreciate how much the book looks at the science of the teenage brain. I will probably buy this book and keep it on my reference shelf alongside The Grown-Ups Guide to Teenage Humans by Josh Shipp and The Teen’s Guide to Social Media by Jonathan McKee.

Read more here: http://sarahannecarter.com/your-teena...

[Jonathan Beigle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Your Teenager is Not Crazy is just the book that I needed with a 14 year old girl and a 12 year girl right behind her. While I thought I would get bored with the repetivie structure of each chapter (Bio 101, Pysch 101, Faith 101), it ended up not feeling repetitive at all. There is a really nice balance of stories, discussion of the brain and how to guid your kids using the Bible that I really enjoyed the book. Each chapter is a phrase that is often used by a teenager, and I thought even the chapter titles were good! I think this is a must read for anyone preparing for life with teenagers (and bring a highlighter!).

Favorite quotes:
p. 28 - "The closer you are to God during the years you're parenting teenagers, the more the Holy Spirit can give you wisdom and insight, consolation and strength."
p. 33 - "Parents inhibit appropriate development when they hover and micromanage."
p. 82 - "Teens respond best to shorter, more frequent interactions."
p. 84 - "When parents continually tell teens what to do, they cannot learn how to tell themselves what to do."
p. 102 - "Some parents think it will create further conflict to acknowledge that they're annoyed, angry or afraid. On the contrary, when genuine emotion is revealed, you can work to overcome it. Name it to tame it!"
p. 115 - "Keep in mind that marriages often suffer during the teenage years, when tensions can erode loving care for one another. Don't allow this to happen."
p. 139 - "Finding ways to be affectionate is essential."
p. 153 - "If you want your teen to put less emphasis on things and live for more than the latest technology release or fashion trend, shop less."
p. 188 - "If you want your teenager to be excited about faith, model joy in and eagerness for relationship with God, the practices of faith, and fellowship with other Christians."

[Emily M · Rating 3 out of 5]

Books on teens are always a little tricky for me. On the one hand, the descriptions of what goes on in the brain during the teen years is helpful. On the other hand, descriptions that "thus your teen will act like X" are harder, because my husband and I never acted most of the ways these people assume is required of teens. It's not that we don't remember; our parents, siblings, and teachers would agree that we were responsible and disciplined throughout our teen years. So maybe this helped me understand my teen more, but since I know from personal experience that it is possible to act responsibly while undergoing prefrontal cortex change, I still take a lot of these descriptions with a grain of salt.

And speaking from a theological perspective, I don't know that the concept of adolescence (as American culture and this book presume it) is present in the Bible or in many (most?) cultures across time. As a trained pastor, the author could have addressed what the Bible does say about young men and women and the expectations for their behavior, but the faith sections are generally light on Biblical exegesis and rely more on general spiritual platitudes, perhaps to appeal to a more mainstream audience?

I guess would still recommend this book to parents for the biological explanations of adolescent brain development, but I wouldn't buy it.

[Cassandra]

DNF- it was way, way too long and repetitive. Each chapter is laid out to address Psychology, Biology, and Faith aspects for each “issue” (26 of them!).

I especially enjoyed a refresher of the anatomy and physiology of the brain. However, much of the practicalities were akin to parents throwing lifelines to their children struggling in a raging river, when they could have just portaged around the rapids in the first place.

For parents who find it is too late and their kids are already flailing in the river, this book could be a good resource for immediate help.

However, for families preparing in advance of the teen years, it is possible to portage around the river and avoid most of the rapids altogether. (I have four teens and have found this to be possible)

For a better parenting philosophy I recommend: Family Revision by Jeremy Pryor.

“Family Revision” focuses on training children to be a part of something bigger and more important than themselves. This book focuses on a child’s individuality and autonomy.

[Katie Pozzuoli · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars, rounded down because the last quarter of this book was really hard for me to get through. I started with audio (my preferred medium for nonfiction), but switched to print so that I could skim and finish more quickly. This book is full of good wisdom, and it's worth a read for parents who want to better understand their teen through the lens of brain development, and develop greater empathy as a result. However, the further I got into the book, the more discouraged I became, as more and more chapters included the admonition that "If you want your teen to take _____ seriously, then you need to examine your own life and set a good example!" Fill in the blank with healthy eating, a positive body image, screen use, sleep, faith and church attendance, etc. Yes, it's absolutely true. But the book pivoted from encouraging to discouraging, as it felt like I was being advised to overhaul my whole life in order to be a stellar parent.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked the approach to treating the teen brain as if it were "under construction" and the comparison to undergoing a house renovation. Lots of good notes and takeaways from listening to this book.

I struggled a bit with the constant bible readings and excessive connection to religious thinking but I guess that is to be expected from Christian audio.

NOTES:
-Learn to let go of control, help children become independent. Guide don't guard.

-The cure to boredom is curiosity.
Help teens get dopamine rush in healthy ways.

-Work to do activities that help expand views of the world.

-Focus on motivation instead of risk.

-Encourage communication. Texting has lowered vocabulary in teens from over 4,000 to under 800 words.

-Close your mouth and he may open his. Be quiet now and then.

[Julia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I bought this book after hearing an interview with the authors on Focus on the Family. There are far fewer solid parenting books for teens than younger children, so I was especially thankful for this one. When I heard the title, my first thought was, "I'm pretty sure mine are," which naturally increased my interest. At one point, we had four teenagers in the house at the same time! The book goes through the biological, psychological, and spiritual formation of teenagers, each chapter beginning with a quote your teenager is likely to say. It contains practical, biblical advice on parenting with the gospel at the center of the family. It was super helpful, and I recommended it to several friends.