The Gift of Being Yourself: The Sacred Call to Self-Discovery

The Spiritual Journey #2

by David G. Benner, M. Basil Pennington (Foreword)

"Grant, Lord, that I may know myself that I may know thee." --Augustine

Much is said in Christian circles about knowing God. But Christians throughout the ages have agreed that there cannot be deep knowledge of God without deep knowledge of the self. Discerning your true self is inextricably related to discerning God's purposes for you. Paradoxically, the more you become like Christ, the more you become authentically yourself.

In this profound exploration of Christian identity, psychologist and spiritual director David G. Benner illuminates the spirituality of self-discovery. He exposes the false selves that you may hide behind and calls you to discover the true self that emerges from your uniqueness in Christ. Freeing you from illusions about yourself, Benner shows that self-understanding leads to the fulfillment of your God-given destiny and vocation.

"Christian spirituality," writes Benner, "involves a transformation of the self that occurs only when God and self are both deeply known." The self is not God, but it is the place where you meet God. Genuine self-knowledge revitalizes your spiritual life and opens the door to becoming who God has created you to be. Rest assured, you need not try to be someone you are not. But you will deepen your experience of God through discovering the gift of being yourself. This expanded edition, one of three titles in The Spiritual Journey trilogy, includes a new epilogue and an experiential guide with questions for individual reflection or group discussion.

Genres: Christian, Nonfiction, Faith, Spirituality, Christian Living, Christianity, Psychology

128 pages, Paperback

First published February 6, 2004

About the author

David G. Benner (PhD, York University; postdoctoral studies, Chicago Institute of Psychoanalysis) is an internationally known depth psychologist, author, spiritual guide, and personal transformation coach. He currently serves as Emeritus Distinguished Professor of Psychology and Spirituality at the Psychological Studies Institute, Richmont Graduate University. He has authored or edited more than twenty books, including Soulful Spirituality and Strategic Pastoral Counseling

Reviews

[Bob · Rating 4 out of 5]

Those who grew up with me may remember peers who were trying to "find themselves", which usually involved painful introspection, psychedelic tripping, or hitting the road Jack Kerouac-style (or all three). David Benner's book is in some sense about finding our true selves. Benner argues that the knowledge of self and the knowledge of God walk together. The danger is, and especially for religious folk, that we craft a false self the usually reflects our own judgement of what others (or God) want us to be. Often this focuses on one aspect of our personality to which we give exaggerated attention.

Benner invites us into this journey of shedding our false self by beginning with knowing God by reflecting on how he is revealed through Jesus in the gospels and how we experience his presence in our daily lives. He then deals with the issue of self-knowledge, our ignored part-selves and the amazing truth that God in Christ knows us as we truly are, despite all our failed self-improvement projects--and he loves us! He then goes deeper and calls for facing the fact that we are sinners and identifying the roots of sin in our lives, introducing the reader to the Enneagram as a tool to do this. He then invites us to face our false selves, particularly recognizing what makes us fearful and wanting to hide and where we are most defensive--a sign of the self we are trying to prop up. Finally, Benner calls us to find our true self, not by seeking the self, but by seeking the knowledge of the Lord, to identify with Christ and to recognize that the givens of our uniqueness are meant to be lived out in dependence upon Christ.

This is a short book but worthy of being read both slowly and re-read!

[Jeff · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great little book about self-discovery, identity and authenticity. Some highlights:

"Christian spirituality has a great deal to do with the self, not just with God. The goal of the spiritual journey is the transformation of self. This requires knowing both our self and God. Both are necessary if we are to discover our true identity as those who are in Christ.

In all of creation, identity is a challenge only for humans. A tulip knows exactly what it is. It is never tempted by false ways of being. So it is with dogs, rocks, trees, stars, amoebas, electrons and all other things. All give glory to God by being exactly what they are. For in being what God means them to be, they are obeying him.

We should never be tempted to think that growth in Christlikeness reduces our uniqueness. As we become more and more like Christ we become more uniquely our own true self.

John Calvin -- "There is no deep knowing of God without a deep knowing of self and no deep knowing of self without a deep knowing of God."

We are all called to live the truth of our uniqueness. Divine creativity has never involved a production assembly line. The results of God's creative acts are never less than original and truly unique works of art. You and I are no exception.

Without deemphasizing the value of the Bible in knowing my calling, I have come to understand an even more basic place in which God's will for me has been communicated. That is in the givens of my being. My temperment, my personality, my abilities and my interests and passions all say something about who I was called to be, not simply who I am. If I really believe that I was created by God and invited to take my place in His kingdom, I have to take seriously what God has already revealed about who I am.

[Abi Emmett · Rating 5 out of 5]

This has to be one of the best perspectives I’ve found on self discovery and journeying with God and your self. I’ve been on a year long journey (so far) in looking in on myself and found many resources along the way but none has hit it on the head like David G. Benner. This book may be short but it’s DENSE with rich content on discovering your self which is hidden in Christ. It counters the postmodern “finding truth in yourself”, which always seemed so exhausting to me; it simultaneously counters the false Evangelical narrative of “loosing/denying yourself” for Christ, which resulted in me creating a false self based on what I thought church leaders wanted. Instead, he finds a beautiful middle ground, the one that Christ leads us to, where we lose/deny our false selves to find our self as God has found us.

This was my winter break/Sabbath book and WOW how much I’ve gained reading this. Going through it slowly and journaling with it was such a delight. It’s been a while since a Christian book has made me think, reflect, ponder, and pray while reading it. A great book to get you started on contemplative Christianity. I would recommend everyone, especially young people, to read this one.

[Alex · Rating 4 out of 5]

A small book with quite a lot to think about. I appreciate that this book differs from most 'How to Know God' books that I've read by presenting fresh ideas. Brenner explains how knowing God and knowing self go hand in hand, and includes some useful reflection exercises to do. This is a book that I can see myself coming back to.

[Corey Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are few books that tangibly change the disposition of your being, and The Gift of Being Yourself is one of those books for me. The depth and breadth of this book that is literally less than 100 pages is absolutely outstanding to me. I read this for a course in undergrad that was structured around Identity, and this book clearly discusses this with its subtitle being “the sacred call to self-discovery”, but reading It in post-grad has been a true balm for the soul.

There are heaps of books that encourage individuals to journey the road of self discovery, but this work does it in a way that anchors every moment of that process in the person of God. Bennett has such a gift in articulating the Gospel, while also expounding on the historical churches dialogue surrounding the self in relation to God, that invites the church of today to return to the important work of knowing ourselves in relation to God for the sake of the world.

I think this is a particularly poignant read for those like myself who have grown up in the contemporary Protestant church, for rather than demonizing the self, it redeems and reorients the reader to a kinder, more gracious perspective in which the love of God literally transforms an individual into their true self - the person we were made to be in Christ. The only way we can 1)experience the person of God and 2) be a declaration of his love in our current moment and to our neighbor, is through the conduit of our individual selves. So knowing and journeying deeper into God to find the fuller versions and purer images that God has made us to be allows us to pursue these two essential goals of the Christian life with more clarity and intention.

Bennett consistently maintains this work in the love of God, and is constantly ensuring that this work is not for the sake of the self alone, but for the purposes of the Kingdom of God seeing its fuller realization in and through us by the power of the Spirit. What a gift this book is. I highly recommend. Plus there’s a tiny portion of enneagram discussion in there for my enneagram lover friends.

A few quotes I loved (although there’s literally something underlined on every single page in my copy of this book):

- “True knowing of our self demands that we know our self as known by God, and true knowing of God demands that we know God not just as an abstraction or as objective data but in and through our lived experience” - page 19

- “Jesus is the image of the invisible God. Thus he is the filter through which we need to pass all our ideas about God as we seek to move from knowing God to meeting God personally in Jesus.” - page 35

- “We are graven on the palms of God’s hands and never out of the Divine mind” - page 45

- “I only know Divine unconditional, radical and reckless love for me when I dare to approach God just as I am. The more I have the courage to meet God in this place of weakness, the more I will know myself to be truly and deeply loved by God. And the more deeply I know this love, the easier it will be to trust it as Christ did - preferring God’s will to my own” - page 49

- Genuine Christ-following will always make us more, not less, human” - page 88

- “Christ’s way onto self-fulfillment is not like any way we could ever have imagined. His way involves losing our life so that we might find it, dying so that we might live. His way is always the way of the cross. Death always precedes new life.” - page 94

“The mystery of the Christian gospel is that our deepest, truest self is not what we think of as our own separate self but the self that is one with Christ.” - page 101-102

[Faithful Intellect · Rating 4 out of 5]

Book Review Rating: 7/10

This Book Is:
- Written from a psychological perspective.
- About the connection between knowing God and knowing ourselves.
- Helpful for people struggling to take the next step in their faith.

This Book Is Not:
- Written from a theological perspective.
- For those closed or unwilling to explore their emotions and feelings.

My Takeaways:
- The role of sin in forming our false selves. Many sins can be boiled down to the core sins of pride, anger, greed, etc. We will continually fall into the same sins until we address the underlying sin that leads us back to the same spot.

My Critiques:
- Tying identity to experience: Benner seems to contrast experience with objective facts or head knowledge. Experience seems to only refer to emotions or heart knowledge. As someone who is much more a thinker than a feeler, I think Benner’s approach falls short of fully encompassing everyone’s experiences. I don’t think that feeling and thinking can be so cleanly split. We can experience God through thoughts and feelings. We can have a relationship with God with both our thoughts and feelings. I regularly experience God through ideas and concepts.

- The role of the Bible: Benner states that he doesn’t want to diminish the value of the Bible in knowing our vocation, but claims that the givens of our being are more core to understanding God’s will for our lives than the Bible. The givens are our temperament, personality, abilities, interests, and passions. As an evangelical, the authority of Scripture and sufficiency of Scripture are of primary importance. This seems like an unnecessary distinction. We know Jesus and ourselves through the Bible. The Bible provides the framework that we use to define the aspects of our personality, abilities, and interests that aligns with the Kingdom of God. We should be wary of undermining the role of Scripture or thinking it is somehow in conflict with who we are.

Click here to read the full review at Faithful Intellect.

[Sarah Westfall · Rating 5 out of 5]

PHEW. This book is such a rich invitation into a deeper knowing of God and self. I am one hundred percent going to be reading through it again—much, much slower. Highly recommend!

[Joshua · Rating 5 out of 5]

Would I ever have picked up a book called "the gift of being yourself" of my own volition? No.
Is this book freakin awesome? yes.
Benner goes deep, yet keeps it so simple. He doesn't use smart theological language, but gets to the heart of this topic drawing on many of the Christian spiritual greats, making them accessible - which only serves to highlight his familiarity with his subject matter.

[Crosby Cobb · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Truth is God himself who cannot be known apart from life and cannot be loved apart from surrender to his will. Genuine knowing demands a response. To know God demands that we be willing to be touched by Divine love. To be touched by God’s love is to be forever changed. To surrender to Divine love is to find our soul’s home — the place and identity for which we yearn in every cell of our being.”

This book rocked my whole little world in the best way! I have a few question marks in margins on things that I’m still thinking over but it’s mostly underlines and stars and highlights and exclamation points because there is just such rich goodness in these 90ish pages! Confident I’ll return to this book again and again.

[Caleb Todd · Rating 4 out of 5]

David Benner balances 1.) a brilliant vision for the spiritual necessity of self-awareness with 2.) action steps that lead to contemplative spiritual disciplines. I think some of his points could have been made with less lofty language, which may alienate some readers not accustomed to the contemplative tradition.

[Rebecca Burnham · Rating 5 out of 5]

To know our Creator we must know ourselves as his creation - and what a gift that is!

[RJF · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one a want a paper copy of. To write in, underline, circle and go back to and reread. There are so many nuggets, passages that I d like to dwell on, digest and understand better. The idea, or fact, that the more we really know God, the more we really know ourselves, is profound. And the more we know God and this ourselves, the more we will all be unique from one another, but that uniqueness itself should never be our goal. It will come as a result of living authentically….

[Kaley Fry · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thought-provoking look at how knowing God and knowing yourself are intertwined! A book I plan to return to in print form after whizzing through the audiobook.

[Alex Strohschein · Rating 3 out of 5]

This, my first book of 2016, reminded me of the first book I read in 2015, Parker Palmer's "Let Your Life Speak." Both books are brief and focus on discovering our true selves. David G. Benner helpfully and winsomely illuminates how we create false selves that we think will be more appealing to others. He insists that self-knowledge, which is God's gift to us, is crucial in understanding ourselves and the vocation(s) that God designs for us. He raised an interesting point that I had never considered before about the early life of Jesus. We are socialized and learn about the world in childhood through reliance upon our elders, especially our parents and Mary's exemplary obedience to God may have helped the young Jesus to grasp and know perfect obedience to the Father. Also, Benner reminds us that we must accept ourselves as sinners - but BELOVED sinners - and that God's extravagant, unconditional love for us should free us from the tendency towards carrying our guilt and shame around with us. Another good point is that our worth is ultimately not in what we DO (the world often evaluates us based on our profession, physical appearance or accomplishments) but in what we ARE as children of God.

There were some concerns I had. It seems to me that there tends to be a divide in Christian writers between those who utilize the insights of modern psychology and who gravitate to spirituality and those who focus more on doctrinal theology. Benner is certainly in the former camp, as are the writers he cites (e.g. Richard Rohr, Thomas Keating, Thomas Merton). Indeed, as Benner writes on page 44, "Transformational knowing of God comes from meeting God in our depths, not in the abstraction of dusty theological propositions." I agree with Benner that knowledge alone doesn't suffice, that what matters more is that this knowledge TRANSFORMS us more into Christlikeness, but it is interesting that in a book that insists that we are all unique and that "There has never been one standard way to meet God" (p. 103), there seems to be hints of hostility towards a focus on doctrinal truth. I am reminded of C.S. Lewis' point that "For my own part, I tend to find the doctrinal books often more helpful in devotion than the devotional books, and I rather suspect that the same experience may await many others. I believe that many who find that ‘nothing happens’ when they sit down, or kneel down, to a book of devotion, would find that the heart sings unbidden while they are working their way through a tough bit of theology with a pipe in their teeth and a pencil in their hands." If we are all unique and gifted by God with different attitudes, personalities and qualities, one should acknowledge that some encounter God best through the devotional practices Benner advocates while others encounter God best in meditating on doctrine and truth. Still, a well-rounded spirituality that incorporates both is certainly the best of all.

There is also quite a lot of discussion of "self-fulfilment" in the book. I agree with Benner that we each have a vocation that is uniquely intended for us, but too much of an emphasis on self-fulfilment can make us forget that this world will ultimately never completely satisfy us until Christ's return in glory. Similarly, while Benner is perceptive in showing how we resist our authentic or true selves by carefully constructing false selves, I wish he would engage with (as I wish most advocates of authenticity would engage with) virtue ethics, the duties conscience tells us we have before others even if we do not genuinely "feel" like we want to act towards others in certain ways. Furthermore, while Benner identifies the need to be authentic, he doesn't offer much guidance on how that actually works in community. Ideally, Christians should be able to be "naked" before others, but in reality the Church is a community of broken people and we often will wear our guises before strangers, acquaintances and others while saving our inmost authentic selves with close friends and family.

This book is brief and useful in showing how we construct false selves. Benner writes simply but with wisdom and personal experience. A good book.

[Jack Ward · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not sure if I will understand how much this book has impacted me until I reread it or spend more time processing it. However, I know that the idea and messages communicated in this book are ones that I will take with me for a very long time.

[Hanna Wagers · Rating 5 out of 5]

A lot to mull over with this one. I think I buy the circular concept of knowing Jesus and knowing Self. We have a true self that only God fully knows, but as we grow in experience with the Lord, we are closer to who we are made to be. There were times in this novel where I wished it was less conceptual and more practical, but perhaps practicality steps in as I adopt these ideas and live out of them. I recommend this read if you are struggling with your concept of self identity, and/or if you’re curious about how life with Jesus is meant to be.

[Kristen Freiburger · Rating 2 out of 5]

Too repetitive imo.

[Savannah Moore · Rating 5 out of 5]

I never would’ve picked this book up of a shelf based on the title alone. It seems like the kind of book I avoid. But I am so glad a dear friend sent it to me! It is much more than just being yourself in some fluffy way. It is a call to deep knowing of God and self and increasing Christlikeness as we become the people God created us to be by the power of surrendering ourselves completely as we are to the Holy Spirit. The language can feel a little weird sometimes, and the biblical exegesis is a stretch sometimes, but all in all it was a true game changer for me. Changed my life and heart and hopefully my walk with Jesus forever. I have already bought this for several friends!

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was a bit concerned when I began this book that it was going to promote a habit of navel-gazing and self-absorption, but because of the summary on the back cover and my previous experience with another of Benner's books, I gave it a go. I am very glad I did. Basically Benner's is encouraging the reader to know God more deeply and then, in the security of that relationship, face his/her true self. He shares several meditative practices that aren't at all "hocus-pocus" and which I hope to continue to practice. This is a book that I will read again, probably quite soon!

[Brianna Roberson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ch. 1-4, meh. Ch 5-6??? Bomb. Made me ask myself some tough questions. Also anyone who makes Catholic monks and John Calvin agree has to be on to something.

I think it could best be summarized by this quote:
“The true self is who, in reality, you are and who you are becoming. It is not something you need to construct through a process of self improvement or deconstruct by means of psychological analysis… We do not find our true self by seeking it. Rather, we find it by seeking God.”

[Katie Franson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is book 2/3 of David Benners spiritual journey series. I cannot recommend this enough. The biggest takeaway for me (which seems obvious but surprisingly isn't) is that there is a difference between knowing about God and knowing God. There is a difference between knowing what He "would say" and knowing what he presently "says". I have to remind myself daily that we serve a living, active, dynamic God that speaks to us in the present. We should stop assuming what he might say about something and pause and LISTEN to what he has to say. Book 1 and Book 2 of this series speak to Gospel Meditation which has been one of the greatest tools I have learned. Here is a glimpse into a Gospel Meditation prompt:

"The meditation I am recommending is not the same as Bible study. It is more an exercise of the imagination than of the intellect. It involves allowing the Spirit of God to help you imaginatively enter an event in the life of Christ as presented in the Gospels.

Let me illustrate what I mean by this by suggesting a simple exercise based on Mark’s account of Jesus and the rich young man. First, take a moment to quiet yourself in God’s presence. Close your eyes and ask God to take the words of Scripture and, by the power of his Spirit, make them God’s Word to you. Ask for the gift of a few moments of Spirit-guided imaginative encounter with Jesus. Then slowly read the following account several times—preferably out loud.

Now allow yourself to daydream on the situation presented in the story. First picture the man approaching as Jesus is leaving on a journey. Then, as if you were a spectator, observe the events as they unfold. Watch, listen and stay attentive to Christ. Don’t be distracted by the rich young ruler. And don’t try to analyze the story or learn lessons from it. Just be present to Jesus and open to your own reactions. Put the book down now and spend four or five minutes trying this simple exercise."

[Ryan Dufoe · Rating 5 out of 5]

This short book is a consistent heart-punch, rocking cradle, spiritual training ground, and gentle invitation to the deepest level of knowing God. While the title may lead you to think that this is a "self-help book" (which generally makes me deeply nauseous when focused on efficiency or personal image), Benner's book leans on self knowledge as a non-negotiable in knowing God. Deeply grounded in scripture, church history, psychology, and his own personal practice of these things, this brief work has rightly become a classic in Christian spirituality. Please read it, read it again in a group, and then read it again.

[Allison · Rating 5 out of 5]

Phenomenal. Going to buy this so I can read again.

“The self is not God. But it is the place where we meet God. There can be no genuine spiritual transformation if we seek some external meeting place. God’s intended home is our heart, and it is meeting God in our depths that transforms us from the inside out.”

[Cora Kertzman · Rating 2 out of 5]

The book had some really good points about how there is no true life apart from a life with God and seeking next steps, but overall I got a bad taste in my mouth because the book attempted to give readers a doorway to justify their sin. It also never challenged readers towards sanctification, but rather told them to be comfortable in their sinful lives. Would not suggest it.

[Evan Hoekzema · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book gets better and better the more you read through it. Benner seeks to help the reader recognize and ultimately surrender the false selves we’ve all created, the “me who I wish to be.” It’s only when we fully accept and acknowledge who we are in our entirety that we can begin to experience Gospel transformation. Not a long book, but definitely a needed and encouraging one.

[Jason Poling · Rating 2 out of 5]

I understand the appeal in books like this. However, I just can't get into the psycho-self-help-Merton-Rohr-Enneagram-mysticism Benner espouses. The Scriptures just don't seem to jive with this Me-focused approach. I can see how practicioners of this methodology can feel somewhat justified in co-opting Scriptural ideas (there are some agreeable kernels in there), but their interpretations always feel a bit forced. The finding your "I" in the "I AM" is an example: partially true and partially false (and dangerously so). Heresy always seems to like that 50/50 mixture, so it makes me nervous when these self-help books do the same...even when the authors and therapists likely mean well.

[Austin Spence · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some new sentiments, some old ones. Can’t say I agree with Dr. Benner on errythang.

[Charlie Evans · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book originally made me a bit nervous based on the title, but as I started to get into it - I saw the goodness.

“We do not find our true self by seeking it. Rather, we find it by seeking God. For as I have said, in finding God we find our trust and deepest self. The anthropological question (Who am I?) and the theological question (Who is God?) are fundamental and truly inseparable. It is by losing our self in God that we discover our true identity”

“Had we dared to trust God’s goodness, we would have discovered that everything we could ever most deeply long for would be ours in God.

Trying to gain more than everything God offers, we end up with less than nothing”

Jesus is absolutely central throughout and a focus on letting God into who we are to deeper and deeper levels is also strong. I highly recommend this for leaders and those wanting to become more mature in their faith. Some of the wording might be uncomfortable for some - but reading through prayerfully and discerning that uncomfortableness (new word), this becomes very useful.

[Hannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think 5 years ago the title of this short little book would have made me suspicious of content consisting of watered down theology — I probably wouldn’t have even picked it up. I read it on John Mark Comer’s recommendation and I really enjoyed it. It’s relatively simple yet it gave me a lot to ponder on. I think the topics of identity and spiritual transformation are critically important and this book was insightful. I’m definitely keeping it around and know I will be thumbing through it from time to time!

[Sab · Rating 5 out of 5]

Shortie but goodie. Great for self awareness & growth in attunement. Love how it challenges the rather uncomfortable feelings Christianity, as a culture, tends to ignore. Less “lay down your life & put others before you” message and more “accept your human limitations which in turn make you more like Christ”