Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife: My Story of Finding Hope after Domestic Abuse

by Ruth A. Tucker

Ruth Tucker recounts a harrowing story of abuse at the hands of her husband, a well-educated, charming preacher no less, in hope that her story would help other women caught in a cycle of domestic violence and offer a balanced biblical approach to counter such abuse for pastors and counselors.

Weaving together her shocking story, stories of other women, and powerful stories of husbands who truly have demonstrated Christ’s love to their wives, with reflection on biblical, theological, historical, and contemporary issues surrounding domestic violence, she makes a compelling case for mutuality in marriage and helps women and men become more aware of potential dangers in a doctrine of male headship.

Genres: Christian, Nonfiction, Memoir, Theology, Religion, Feminism, Biography Memoir

208 pages, Paperback

First published March 1, 2016

About the author

Ruth A. Tucker (PhD, Northern Illinois University) has taught mission studies and church history at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School and Calvin Theological Seminary. She is the author of dozens of articles and eighteen books, including the award-winning From Jerusalem to Irian Jaya. Visit her website at www.RuthTucker.com.

Reviews

[Matthew Manchester · Rating 1 out of 5]

I must start this review saying that I desperately wanted to like this book and as rough as I found this book, I am truly trying to write this out of kindness, not a misogynist hate.

I found this book on someone popular's Top 10 books of 2016 so I thought I would give it a try immediately. I was looking for a book that tackled the subject of domestic abuse within Christian marriage, preferably via experience and that also gave some thoughts after telling their story. This was not what this book was. Right off the bat, please know that the title is deceptive (if not a straight-out lie). There is not much story, definitely not of finding hope. It offers little to no hope for those who are currently going through domestic abuse now, and most important, it offers almost entirely ZERO gospel hope. Tucker often shifts blame and revels in guilt, two things the gospel directly combats. There is no assurance of forgiveness or talk about a merciful God who heals and lifts high the broken.

As for the content of the book itself, it suffers from one critical and crucial flaw (above many others): Tucker does not understand or know what (modern?) complementarianism is. Neither does she want to. I've read the book, and I've read the endnotes (GOD, *end*-notes?! I thought we lived past barbarian times). There is only one book she has read even close to the complementarian camp, and that's Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, edited by Piper and Grudem. It's the only book she quotes from.

Why does this matter?

Because this is not a book about her story. It's a hit piece against the CBMW, TGC, Piper, Moore, Mohler, Chandler, and others. And while "RBM&W" should be allowed to be critiqued, THIS book was written in 2016, where a plethora of reformed marriage books (by influential authors/pastors) have been written: "The Meaning of Marriage" (by Tim & Kathy Keller), "This Momentary Marriage" (by John Piper), "Mingling of Souls" (by Matt Chandler), etc. Rather Tucker quotes more from news articles (via the web) and blogs more than anything else in this book. She rather quote what Rachel Held Evans says about Piper and others rather than read his book (Momentary Marriage) herself.

Ultimately this book is a knife-swing at complementarianism....which is weird because in the very beginning the author states: "...can we come together in an understanding that marriage based on mutual submission is a biblical model–a valid interpretation of scripture? I acknowledge that the headship model is a valid way to interpret the Bible." But then begins tearing apart complementarians to the point of saying that headship theology (the belief that the husband is head over the wife in Christian marriage) is from the serpent (i.e. "the devil"). I don't see how Tucker can ask for some allowance of validity only to turn around and constantly attack the complementarianism.

But here is the problem. She does not call it complementarianism. She calls it headship theology or patriarchy. She rolls up into one ANYONE who believes that God has called the husband to lead by service and love. This is quite offensive. As a man who is a complementarian and yet also has a heart for women to be heard, seen, and to be learned from, as one who tries each day to lay down his life for his wife and children and give up his own selfishness for the sake of my family, remembering the lengths to which Christ gave and serves His bride, this book called me a sexist, controlling, lying monster. This book doesn't say that there are some bad complementarians (and oh, there are!). This book's focus seems intent to be that there are no GOOD ones! Tucker also strongly believes that gender equality means equal roles. She even says so. It's not implicit. The book suffers from so much feminist baggage that Summer White could record dozens of Sheologians (podcast) episodes from this book alone. :)


What a shame. I was looking for a book that could help expose things that I could not see due to my privilege or gender. I was hoping this book would make me a better husband and father. I don't think it has. I would have LOVED a chapter talking to those who would disagree strongly with egalitarianism on things that they could do, show, and practice better in their complementarian marriages. Instead I got a book that ends saying "I have no doubt there are also abusers who profess to be egalitarians. But a strong stance against women's equality should be seen as a red flag."


OTHER BAD DETAILS:
- The endnotes. Seriously. God created footnotes. Pick up a Bible. You'll see them in there. Case closed. :)
- I might agree with another reviewer that said her parallel to female genital mutilation with rap music is the lowest point of her book. It was really bad and awkward. I think rap lyrics need to be corrected, but that's a horrible parallel.
- Very, very, very little scripture. Her story parts are placed perfectly well so that she can argue from experience and emotion, not from the context of the biblical passage.
- She sees the Bible as a collection of stories told. She also mentions the Bible "can't be trusted to give the female perspective since the authors were all male." This strikes me to be coming from someone who doesn't understand the "authority" of the Bible, as it is God-breathed.
- I wrote earlier that "Tucker shifts blame..." I do not mean this to say that she is to blame for her ex-husband's sin, but even though she admits to seeing the warning signs of abuse in the three (!!!) times they met before getting married (an unarranged one), she blames the enemy for lying to her instead of taking the responsibility for it herself. This kind of thing (and the reverse) goes on and on throughout the book. It's maddening. The story of the pastor providing her and her son food for Thanksgiving and the issue that it sets off made me want to quit the book.

NOW, THE GOOD:
- I was captured whenever she told part of her story. It's gripping, and by far the best written parts of the book.
- *spoiler* Her ex-husband (the abuser) was a Calvinist. A strong one. While her own thoughts held little sway with my thinking, I was challenged looking at her ex-husband about how we talk about egalitarian women (or not) in the church and at home AND how we are treating them in both places. I am a strong complementarian, but women don't need harsh rebukes and threats. They need gentle, peaceful, and loving conversations about the gospel and the Word. No matter the issue, we can't take the passion/anger we feel on a issue we see as unbiblical and transfer that passion/anger to the person (in this case, woman) holding it.
- We need a questionnaire or something that will help a woman know the differences between a man who is growing in understanding complementarianism and one who is just wanting to be in control (a true "red flag" case). This wasn't in the book, just a thought from the previous point.
- Gripping cover.
- She gives dozens of questions at the end that I think we as complementarians ought to have an answer for.

-----------------------------

I still look for a book that deals with domestic abuse within churches. I think I might have found one from IVPress. No matter how bad I felt this book was, I am sad that she went through all of it, and ache for all the women/children who are still going through it. It's an issue I want to be more informed about.

Side-note to my Reformed followers: How many books do we have to read before we realize that there are certain beliefs and connections in our reformed theology that allow for abusers and racists to stay hidden and thrive?

[Samantha · Rating 3 out of 5]

I very much wanted to read what Ruth Tucker had to say. Unfortunately … I was disappointed.

Part of my disappointment springs from a few concepts that weren’t integral to the book, yet were still glaring issues. Most obvious among these (and one I’m struggling to understand why she bothered including) was the racism she displayed by invoking the specter of misogyny in rap music (116, 117, 155). In one place, rap music appears alongside “African mutilation rites” when she’s talking about female genital mutilation (118). I about choked at that. While FGM is practiced in many African countries, it’s hardly an exclusively African practice– and before anyone thinks it’s something only Muslims do, it’s not. Anyway, it’s blatantly a racist double standard to repeatedly reference rap and only rap to talk about misogyny in music. For all the evidence you need, here’s the “Misogynistic Lyrics that Aren’t Rap Music” tumblr, which has thirty pages of examples.

Other problems were less morally charged, although still frustrating. For example, Ruth Tucker has a PhD and has been an instructor or professor at several seminaries, including Calvin, Trinity, and Fuller and yet she cites Wikipedia not once, not twice, but three times (for articles on Germaine Greer, the apostle Junia, and Mary Winkler, respectively).

I noticed this because Greer is the only feminist she references anywhere in the book that I could tell, and all she does is pull the introductory paragraphs off Wiki. From that reference, I’m incredibly suspicious that the Wikipedia page is the only thing she’s read by Greer, because her articulation of Greer’s view is … well, wrong. Exasperatingly wrong. She uses Greer in an attempt to bulk up her argument for gender essentialism which … arg gablarg. As transmisogynistic as Greer is, trying to use her to support your position that women are feminine from birth (66-68) is just … I might have started trying to pull my hair out. I couldn’t throw the book because I was reading it on my Nook, which is my most valued possession.

There are some other minor problems. There are some structural issues, it lacks a focusing argument or traceable thesis, and the writing becomes noticeably weaker in the last third, when she begins using more ellipses and fragmentary sentences. There were multiple places where I had to stop and read over something several times in order to understand what she was trying to say. The book also wanders a good bit– there are entire chapters on women’s legal standing through American history and whether or not John Calvin could be considered a feminist, which contain neither a compelling narrative nor address the “black and white bible, black and blue wife” idea that she claims is her theme.

In fact, at no point does she ever thoroughly address the concept that complementarian theology contributes to domestic violence. She repeatedly references how her abuser would demand obedience as “the head of the home,” but never explores the links between abusers’ beliefs and the beliefs that complementarians advocate for. In my opinion, this area is lacking because she simply isn’t informed enough to address it (which I’ll get to later). This opens up the book to the criticism that Tim Challies made— that his abuse and complementarianism had nothing really to do with each other. She’s challenged him on this, but in my opinion she did so ineffectively.

I’m disappointed and borderline sorrowful because this book had so much promise. It should be a book I should be shouting from the rooftops about and begging all of you to read. Here is a woman who was in an abusive marriage for almost twenty years with the added benefit of distance and a loving, healthy marriage. Her story is powerful and poignant, and I grieve with her over the things she went through and some of the choices she made. She doesn’t sugarcoat how complicated it can be to recover from abuse– the intermingled feelings of shame and triumph, guilt and relief, confusion and certainty. I can relate to much of her experience, and am proud of the way she unflinchingly examines a disastrously horrible choice she made at one point.

There’s a lot of good in this book. There is. But I personally feel that the good it can accomplish is seriously compromised by her utter lack of familiarity with feminism- especially intersectional feminism. The entire book is framed badly, and there are so many points where I simply don’t follow what she’s trying to do.

At several points she tries to re-baptize “patriarchy” as if it’s some ideologically neutral term, which comes out of her gender essentialist beliefs. I don’t know what her stance on LGBT+ rights is, but from this book I’m assuming not good. There are a lot of overtones of “children need a father and mother” and she spends a lot of time bemoaning the fact that her violent and abusive husband abandoned their son after the separation. At one point she even claims that “apart from abusing me, [he] was a good father” (164), which is maddening. Abusive men are not good fathers. You cannot beat and punch and kick your wife until she’s black and blue and have any standing as a “good father” whatsoever.

There’s also a few moments where I’m wondering how much research she’s actually done into abuse, its dynamics, and the mentalities of abusers. She references only two texts (Women Submit! and Joyce’s “Biblical Battered Wife Syndrome“), and the only other reference to a work on abuse (from Is it My Fault?) is pulled from Joyce’s article. She didn’t do the research this book needed, and she’s not drawing on an understanding of abuse that comes from anything but personal experience. That is harrowing enough, but she frequently uses terms like “he lost control” when anyone knowledgeable knows that abusers do no such thing. She also fundamentally misunderstands the differences between anger management classes and Batterers Intervention Programs (141). Abusers do not abuse because they’re angry. They abuse because that’s the best method of gaining control over another human being.

My last significant problem appears in chapter nine, “Fifty Shades of Rape: Is there Ever Legitimate Rape in Marriage?” As a rape victim, this was the chapter that interested me most on a personal level even though it’s not why I bought the book. For the most part she handles the issues surrounding rape appropriately, but then we get to this:

"If almost everything is abuse, the nothing is abuse. So it is with rape. If we define it too broadly, the term almost becomes meaningless. So then, what is legitimate rape?

"Let’s say one of my seminary students had made a serious commitment to forgo sexual intimacies before marriage … He believes that premarital sex is a sin and insists they are going too far. He says no. She doesn’t stop. He is stronger than she and could push her away and get out of the car and take a long walk. He just keeps saying no. She persists until, against his conscience and his better judgment, he succumbs to temptation. Is she guilty of rape?" (125)

With the answer, to her, being a seemingly obvious “no.”

Again, I experienced the desire to tear my hair out. This, like other problems, springs out of the gender essentialism she clings to. If being a man means being “manly” by our cultural terms, then saying a man can be raped by someone who can’t conceivably physically force him sounds preposterous. But it’s not. This is both one of the ways patriarchy affects men and affects women as a result of rape myths. Rape isn’t rape just because it was violent. Rape is rape because it wasn’t consented to.

She seems to have a fundamental problem with this definition, as she struggles with the guilt of not “fighting back” when her abuser raped her and deals some with the myth that if you didn’t try to kick and claw your way out of it it’s not really rape … but she doesn’t really get it. There is a spectrum of sexual abuse, and it begins with sexual coercion— something she doesn’t seem to have any awareness of. To her there seems to be clear delineations between “sex” and “rape,” when the reality that she’s trying to access is far more complex. A rapist uses a variety of methods, and usually goes out of their way to avoid violence. If they’re violent, they’re easier to arrest, prosecute, and convict. Instead, inside of a relationship they rely on emotional abuse and relentless persistence, like in the example she gives.

Almost every problem with this book relates back to how uninformed she seems to be on feminism and abuse, which is where my disappointment comes from. This book was almost so good, but, in the end, I just can’t in good conscience recommend it.

[The Geeky Bibliophile · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m having trouble deciding how I feel about this book. While I didn’t want to read a detailed accounting of all the abuse Tucker went through in her first marriage, I expected that most of the book would deal with that, given the title and subtitle of the book. Instead, the largest part of the book consisted of the stories of other abuse survivors and discussion about male headship. All topics were interesting to read, but the reason I chose to read this book was an interest in Ruth’s story. I knew there was more to the book than that, but I assumed that would make up the larger portion of the book.

That’s not to say I didn’t find it interesting. I did. Reading Tucker’s ideas on what constituted a good marriage and how male headship should be interpreted was thought-provoking, and she raised several good points in regard to the latter that made a lot of sense to me.

(I suppose it should be noted that I’m not very religious myself, and my beliefs are not based on the doctrines of any particular denomination.)

It wasn’t quite the book I expected it to be; still, it was a good book overall, and I’m glad I read it.

I received an advance review copy of this book courtesy of Netgalley and Zondervan in exchange for an honest review.

[Teo]

I . . . . . . . well . . . . . . I am overwhelmed. I can't put a rating of "I really liked it" or "awesome." All I can say is that this was hard and so important. I don't think you have to agree with her "egalitarian" position on women's ordination to get so many important observations about humanity, both men and women, from her story. I appreciated her questions and observations. It is one thing to have a conviction about human depravity, as I do, but I feel like I have lived in a fairyland of my own making regarding the actual working out of that teaching in real life. Ruth Tucker shares many bad examples of husbands and marriages, and many wonderful examples of husbands and marriages; terrible counselors (both pastoral and professional), and the counsel and counselors who really helped her. The picture of Jesus Christ crucified for us was a great help to my heart as I read. She is open and honest about her story and about herself with questions like, "How could I . . .?," and "Why did I . . .?" I was so surprised by the possible implications of a theological system on how a husband's view of "headship" (sovereignty/supremacy?) is worked out in practice. I was delighted that Martin Luther and Katherine Von Bora's marriage was held up as a role model of "mutuality." This was an important book for me to read. I haven't really been plugged into the egalitarian/complementarian debate for many, many years. It made me want to love my own wife better. :)
****additional thoughts: Tucker describes the "head" in headship, not only as who's in charge, but as "source," which begs at least three questions. First, what does my own head do for my own body? Second, what does the "head" (who's in charge) of 'any' "body" (i.e. any group of people; team, company, military, hospital, etc.) do to make the whole body successful? And third, what does Jesus as head do for His church, His body? I.e. how does He make it "successful"? How does He "heal" it? How does He make it "prosper?" How does He make it "look good?" I.e. How does He "sanctify" it and make it grateful that He is the "head"? That then would seem to help correctly define "headship," as opposed to eliminating it.

[Joy Matteson · Rating 4 out of 5]

A gut wrenching memoir by professor and writer Ruth Tucker on domestic violence in the church. Married for over 20 years to a pastor who beat her on a regular basis, using biblical words to enforce his male headship and requirements for her submission, Dr. Tucker relates her own story interspersed with a little biblical hermeneutics on mutuality in marriage. Truly, this is a difficult book to read, but it's also a difficult one to put down. Like many first year Moody Bible Institute students, I was required to read her book From Jerusalem to Irian Jaya, and I appreciated her thoughtful missional perspective.
This book is highly recommended to Christian ministry leaders and those who've faced domestic violence in the name of Christ and biblical female submission. Her stark questions about complementarianism (which she deems as a "politically correct" term for inequality in marriage and in the church) are piercing, passionate, and worth a study.

[Jeremy Manuel · Rating 3 out of 5]

I went into Ruth Tucker's Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife with high hopes. I knew it would be a difficult read given the subject matter, but I thought that it would be an important book looking at the way the Bible can be used to allow and even support abuse in the home and then arguing against it. This is only partially true and the result is just a little disappointing. It feels like a book that had so much potential, but that it was squandered.

I'll explain what I mean, I'll start with focusing on what I felt brought the book down. I thought the worst thing about this book is that it didn't entirely seem to know what it wanted to do. Did it want to tell stories about women in abusive situations and how they escaped and found life after abuse, or did it want to argue that the view of male headship and wifely submission can lead to abusive marriages? She tries to do both and is more successful in telling stories, but then at times she goes more into arguments against women being submissive. This could be done very well, but it only kind of works here.

I think in part this is due to the fact that her argumentation is just fairly weak. Some of her arguments are based off of Wikipedia or not very well thought out examples. For example, she winds up comparing rap music to genital mutilation. While I understand what she was trying to do, this was a strange comparison and weird that she was so specific to rap music when there are plenty of examples all throughout our culture and entertainment. This is the way a lot of her arguments feel when reading them, like they aren't fully thought out and developed, just tossed out and then we move on to the next thing. I think that if a little more time was spent on these sections it could have been a much more powerful book.

That leads me to talk about the good things. Her story is tough, but important. I think her story displays that abuse can happen to any woman. Tucker is an author, a professor, and the holder of a PhD, but was trapped in an abusive relationship with her first husband for many years. Her story gives flesh to the idea that abuse can happen to any woman out there no matter how intelligent or what their career is. The parts of her story that she reveals are just terrible, but also makes you realize how hard it was to get herself out of that situation even when she had more means than some.

While some of her arguments and thoughts I didn't find helpful, there were ideas that I really enjoyed. The one that particularly comes to mind is the idea of biography as theology. It's an interesting idea. It's basically the idea of looking at the lives of theologians more than their theological writing to see what they believed. This was particularly telling with the idea of male headship in marriage, that it mattered more how men interacted with and treated their wives than what they said their theology was. I found it a very interesting idea.

There are also times where she does connect her arguments and makes very strong points using her story and the stories of other women she uses in the book. It would be nice if the majority were like this, but I'd say it's probably a 50/50 split, but when it works it works well. She does a fairly good job at showing how abuse of women has been accepted in strange ways in our culture.

I remember reading some early reviews that treated this book like a strong argument against complementarianism and how it should be ignored because of her experiences. Due to this I was expecting a stronger argument against that viewpoint. I certainly think that she is against that view, but is more using her story to point out the potential dangers of such a view. It often seems like the problem in the church is that we tend to ignore these experiences too much, we stick by our theology at the expense of the well beings of wives and children with abusive husbands. Instead of taking stock and realizing that maybe we need to be careful with this theology (if not convinced it needs discarded in full), it seems easier to ignore one who has experienced abuse from one who holds that theology first hand.

So all this to say is that overall the book was a little bit of a let down. I still think it is an important book. It's an important book particularly for those of us who are Christians to read. To have our eyes opened to the abuse that is possible even by leaders in the church. We shouldn't look away or dismiss this because of the theology of the victim, but should commit ourselves to make sure that nobody ever thinks this is okay and that steps are taken to help the victims and not just shrug our shoulders and say the male is the head of the house. The book may not be perfect, but sometimes even imperfect books have a story to tell that we need to listen to. I would say this is one of those books.

[Melody Schwarting · Rating 3 out of 5]

Tucker and I agree in most essentials, and in many non-essentials. Yet, I just didn't ~vibe~ with the way this book was written. Though a necessary call to the church to stand up to domestic abuse, the chapters often felt incomplete, with Tucker raising questions she herself posed and not answering them, such as chapter 6 titled "Was John Calvin a Feminist?" (Of course he wasn't--that word had precious little use before 1900, and he lived in the 1500s.)

I commend this book to ministers and to anyone interested in a book about handling domestic abuse cases in church settings. Basically, if you are wondering how not to be Paige Patterson in response to abuse, read chapter 1 and learn from Ken Meyer, another (more honorable) university president. My quibbles with how the book was written lessened my vigor in reading this book. For the most part, however, they do not decrease the value of Tucker's arguments.

Side question, before getting into the quibbles: why does the church have such a different position regarding child abuse and domestic abuse? I have sat through many, many training sessions on identifying and alerting authorities about child abuse in church settings. Never have I heard from children's ministry professionals or church leaders that children are complicit their abuse, that they somehow "deserve" it for not being obedient to their parents. (I feel icky writing that.) Yet, as Tucker demonstrates, many church leaders approach revelations of abuse by telling women they are complicit, and that their submission will save them. Absolutely disgusting. Abuse is always and only the choice of the abuser. Abusers are not dogs we can exasperate into biting us; they are humans and they know better. When church leaders are applying Ephesians 5:22 and not Ephesians 5:21, 5:25-33, there's a real hermeneutical issue. In fact, when's the last time you heard Ephesians 4:32-5:2 exhorted to married couples as robustly as the latter half of Ephesians 5? (Maybe your wedding if my parents signed your guestbook. Bless them.) Personally, I've never heard St Paul's many passage against sexual abusers wielded with the same energy certain folks use to push their ideas about submission onto wives. Ephesians 5:3-7, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8, and 1 Corinthians 5 are a few that come to mind; Galatians 5-6 is also relevant here. Would Jesus, who healed the blind and lame, cured a woman of her hemorrhaging, and raised the dead really ask women to submit to domestic abuse? He himself gave the answer in Luke 4:18-19. Church, let's hold to a higher view of marriage than one that gives a place to domestic abuse in a Christian marriage. There is no place for sexual exploitation or physical harm within the Christian family.

Onto my quibbles with how Tucker handles certain things. The way she writes about race is tone-deaf and shows more ignorance than humility (evidently all rap is bad because some of it is misogynistic? Ever heard of Christian rap, ma'am?). She sets herself up as jury and judge for a legal case she admits she knows little about, yet she still uses that example and decides she knows better than the jury and judge over that case. Often, she leans on anecdotal evidence too strongly, overstating certain personal impressions. She indirectly shames one woman for dying sooner than another woman in 16th-century Europe. She shares a story about causing a student physical distress in class when she showed a video about FGM and seems recalcitrant about her choice to do that, and unsympathetic with her student. I don't hold with any of that. While I am not a survivor of domestic abuse, I can't help but wonder if some of her language and tone perpetuates hurt against survivors.

Content warnings: discussions of marital abuse, child abuse, child sexual abuse, rape, FGM, and spiritual abuse

[Sara Fisher · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ruth Tucker boldly raises questions that the patristic, so-called complimentarian, leaders ignore. While not making a direct correlation (this book is not scientific it is biographical) between complimentarian teaching and abuse, her experience, and that of thousands of other women (probably more throughout the centuries) demands that male-headship believers do something about the on-going problem of abuse in their midst.

It is not enough to claim that your teaching isn't abusive and remain silent as women suffer and die, and children walk away from the faith, if their fathers don't kill them first. Like Ruth Tucker, I have not seen any evidence that these men are even remotely interested in solving this problem. Why? In my opinion, it is because the men have the power and to admit that at least a quarter of them are misusing it is to upset their structure and threaten them.

Considering her quote by Paige Patterson, that he actually had the audacity to tell a black and blue woman that he was happy her husband had beat her (beacause, supposedly beating her brought him to salvation) and what I know of the rest of the men who teach this, added to a near half-century inside this teaching, I doubt that any serious consideration will be given to her book or her concerns.

1) Because she is a woman. Male-headship leaders will dismiss her because of her gender, they will wave their hand and say they don't need a woman to tell them what to do, and that to do so would be an actual sin.

2) Aside from upsetting the cart and spoiling their rule, they honestly believe that men are morally superior and, therefore, will come around, if only their wives submit wholeheartedly. Talking with a complimentarian is like listening to someone sing along with the self-righteous Henry Higgins, "Why Can't a Woman Be More Like a Man?"

3) Male headship leaders don't really care about anything except appearances. As long as everything looks good on the outside, who cares what goes on behind closed doors. The number of women I know personally who were told by their pastors, when they brought the abuse to their attention, to go home and submit to and care for and love their husbands, gives proof to that. These men do not love as Christ loved, and I'm not just referring to the abusers, I'm referring to the pastors and elders.

4) They worship the creation instead of the creator. And that is really the crux of it. Male headship believers worship marriage, not God. They believe in marriage, not God. Their God is, truly, male headship, male rule. It is why the man trumps all, even love. Though God teaches differently in Scripture. These people don't care about Scripture, they don't care about God, they worship man, and man only.

There is a lot of pride bound up in patristic teaching that is becoming apparent as their leaders begin to fall so greatly that they even end up on the mainstream news. The Duggars are only the tip of the iceberg. The problems and the evils of this teaching run deep. I am not hopeful they will ever be dealt with. Men have been beating women with the church's approval for millennia. I don't imagine it's going to stop anytime soon. I can only pray that women will be brave enough to walk away from these churches before they, and their children, are permanently and irrevocably damaged.

[Lori · Rating 1 out of 5]

Hmmmm. What to say...I feel duped. I heard the author share her story on the radio, and I was eager to read the book. The title is brilliant and provocative, the cover artwork is clever and telling, but the content is none of those things. The subtitle is "My Story of Finding Hope after Domestic Abuse." Ruth Tucker's story is hers to tell. It's important. The issue is that it only makes up about 10% of the book. The other 90% is a disjointed rant about male headship and complimentarianism. The writing is so scattered and poorly done that at times the reader tries to follow a train of thought, only to get lost in some tangents about subjects completely unrelated to the chapter. The author is a highly educated teacher, but a very weak writer. Maybe her strong suit is in speaking. Some of the blame HAS to fall on the editors and publishers who should have sent her back to the drawing board. She regularly uses Wikipedia as a source, a practice that is forbidden even at the middle school level. I admired the fact that she didn't portray her abusive ex husband as a sick monster, but as a broken, delusional man who needs redemption. I'd give this book one and a half stars because although it was cumbersome to read, it did cause me to think more about the egalitarian marriage relationship.

[Gina · Rating 3 out of 5]

The pastor of my church has been working through a 5 week sermon series on women's issues within the church as part of a celebration of the 100th anniversary of woman's suffrage. One of those sermons focused on sexual assault and domestic abuse in which he referenced this book. Ruth Tucker is a very well known, particularly in missionary circles, author - many crediting her with the definitive work on issues affecting pastor's wives and international missions. She's spent her career teaching at various seminaries around the US and in other countries, primarily on women's issues. She also spent 19 years as a battered woman with an abusive pastor husband who often used his strict "headship of men" theology as a justification for physical abuse and rape.

The memoir of hope I was expecting to read given the title and the blurb isn't this. She does use some personal examples throughout. I found the story of how hard it was to leave particularly interesting - she couldn't run to her church (for reasons she details) but when she tried to go to a women's shelter they wouldn't take her even for a short period because she had a PhD (considered to have options even though her husband controlled all the money and she was broke). However, this is much more of a theological examination of the issues surrounding complementarian vs egalitarian marriage, headship, etc along with critiques of prominent pastors who support some of these issues than it is a story of hope after domestic violence. I learned a lot, theologically, but didn't get the story I was expecting.

[Amber · Rating 1 out of 5]

Some thoughts:
• the narrative that the church didn't respond appropriately to her situation was not really consistent with the fact that she enabled and hid her husband's behavior. I do understand that it isn't easy for victims to flee their abusers for numerous reasons, but the direct tie between the two is unfair.
• it's always interesting to see the ignorance in how majority culture can view and express themselves on minority culture without actually engaging. I didn't appreciate the idea that her son was so chill that 'even the black kids liked him,' and the lazy hit at the glorification of abuse/misogyny in rap music. She literally only mentions rap music though we see this message in country, pop etc.
• most of her (rhetorical?) questions seem cultural, not Biblical. Of course a wife can be raped by her husband, of course a man's role as head doesn't mean he has sole control over money, of course headship doesn't ever involve corporal punishment, or mean he can physically keep her from making phone calls.
• husbands and wives compliment one another, and mirror the relationship between Christ and the church. Marriage is a gift from God and a tool He can choose to use to play a part in our sanctification. A person can claim to be a believer, but we've been given freedom to test that claim by that person's fruit. Pastor does not equal believer. The Bible teaches that woman and man were created for full
and equal partnership, and serve in functionally different roles when relating to one another, as is what happens in most relationships. Feminism did not introduce the idea of equality between the sexes. None of this was expressed in this book.
• I don't take anything away from her personal experience, and appreciate the transparency with which she shared.

[Ruth Everhart · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is memoir-istic, rather than being true memoir. The author is an academic theologian who lived in an abusive marriage for a number of years. She tells some of the story of her marriage as a springboard for discourses on various aspects of feminism and religion. Because I hold similar views, I had no problem with what she covered. I can see, though, how by covering so much ground, she inevitably covers some of it much too quickly. It felt a bit scattered, and the thread of her personal story often disappeared altogether. As a pastor I can see where this would be a helpful resource to women and men struggling with the issue of mutuality.

[Danessa · Rating 1 out of 5]

Even though I could empathise with the author (I came out of an abusive relationship myself), I was hoping to read into the book with more thorough and scripture-aligned content. Unfortunately, I had a hard time forcing myself to finish reading it, to be fair to her. The book ended with an unsavoury taste in my mouth... I just can't describe in words how disappointing the read was. Some analogies drawn were distastefully done. The way Ruth chose to describe her experiences, is neither compelling nor gracious.

[Annette · Rating 3 out of 5]

"If this volume saves even one woman from further domestic abuse, my dread in writing will have been worth it." Ruth A. Tucker

The above quote is the main purpose for the writing of the book. Tucker shares her story of being in an abusive marriage. She provides insight to a world many people in the Church do not understand or who have ambivalent feelings.
Pastors, leaders in the Church, and well-known Christian speakers give voice and advice, not knowing their words place the abused in harm's way.
Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife is a starting point for Christians to read and educate themselves about domestic violence. The book is a discussion tool. It is a place to create knowledge and wisdom on a subject that has been kept in the shadows.

The first chapter reflects on a debate Tucker and Dr. John Piper had in 1995. The subject of the debate was, "Should marriage be based on a model of mutual submission and equality or on a model of male headship?" Tucker brings out a second theme in Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife: the Complementarian belief. This belief holds men and women have different roles and responsibilities in marriage, family, and church leadership.
Submission in the marriage is a stumbled upon word. It's a word misunderstood and used to take advantage of another. I appreciated Tucker sharing Bible stories of men and families who were imperfect. Men who were well-known OT heroes; however, they treated their wives disrespectfully and often brought about generational problems. Two men were admirable: Elkanah and Boaz.
A less spoke upon theme in the book, but blatantly clear is how Christians interpret the Bible. There are Christians who are conservative, fundamental, moderate, and liberal. There are also Christians who have no idea what they believe, because they do not read the Bible.
Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife surprised me with other topics of interest: parenting, marriage, and a person's character.
The main focus of the book is on the domestic abuse Tucker and her son lived through when she was married to her first husband. As well as, the choices she made as a result of the abuse, the long-term affects on her and her son, and the response of the church in regards to her abuse.

I'm thankful to writers who take off their mask and become transparent in sharing stories of domestic abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual addiction, imprisonment, child abuse, sexual abuse/assault, bankruptcy, prostitution, mental health conditions, adultery, terminal/end of life, grieving a death, and PTSD.
There will always be people who do not believe a life story shared. They will look for a loop hole or make a negative remark. But this should not stop the story from being shared. The story is meant to help. It is a personal and private story shared. Only God knows what is in a person's heart. To declare the abused is giving false information or with an intent to stir the pot on a subject is inappropriate.

If you are a reader who is liberal in regards to gender equality, this is not a pro-gender equality book. Tucker's book tries to answer the question of biblical equality in a marriage; plus her story of abuse. Tucker comes close to this subject in Chapter 5, by showing a research analysis on gender differences in brains: emotional stimuli in female brains versus male.
Chapter 8 is on cultural issues including genital mutilation and a hatred of women. I wish this chapter had been omitted. It is interesting reading material, but I don't think it helped the over-all purpose of the book. Rap music is talked about in this chapter. I feel the chapter needs further clarification, to speak on several points in this one chapter is heavy, and made me feel culture groups might feel slighted. However, I do agree with the statement on page 126, "...the demand to domineer is always present. Yet hatred of women is not easily detectable. Indeed, there is a fine line between male domination and misogyny."
Chapter 9 is on rape in marriage. This chapter I had a problem with.
Dare we ask Todd Akin's questions; Is a particular incident a case of 'legitimate rape'? I may be walking on thin ice here, but perhaps the question has merit. As we've already seen when it comes to domestic violence, we should not automatically believe everyone's story. Is there a motive for someone to lie, perhaps in a child custody battle? And what is the definition of abuse? Is it abuse when a husband tells a wife she ought to lose twenty pounds and wear sexy nighties? While such behavior may not be appropriate, we dare not flatten a crime so much that it means nothing. If almost everything is abuse, then nothing is abuse. So it is with rape. If we define it too broadly, the term almost becomes meaningless. So, then what is legitimate rape?" Page 134
I quoted the entire paragraph in order to not chop up words to take out of context.
First of all I cannot believe she said, "we should not automatically believe everyone's story." Yikes. Does this mean we should not believe her story or my story? As I stated above it is inappropriate to accuse someone else of being a liar...at least out of the court system.
I dislike the wording of defining rape and using words like "meaningless" and "legitimate". This area of the book needs clarification.

I feel a weak point over-all in the book is bringing about too many elements, because the book is not long enough in explaining and clarifying every given element.
The strong point over-all in the book is bringing to light domestic abuse and child abuse, because these affect not just the world but Christian homes. The Church must educate and prepare for helping the abused and oppressed.
Source: Paperback copy provided by Book Look Bloggers/Harper Collins Publishing, in exchange for a review.
Rating: 3 1/2 stars for good

[Cyndi Beane-Henry · Rating 5 out of 5]

In my offerings of 'free' books to review, I am always allowed to choose those books I prefer. Those books that I choose usually are books that are of subjects I enjoy reading. This book was different. This book chose me.

From 1975 to 1990 I was in an abusive marriage. Like Ms. Tucker, I sought solace in the only way I could find. Through writing. I have kept a diary, (I prefer to say 'journal') for most of my life. They sit in a neat little row on my book case, as I prefer pen and ink to the computer.

For years after my divorce from my ex-husband, I had nightly, or near nightly, nightmares of being beaten, or emotionally beaten down to the point where I was less than human. Having married my husband now, I listened to a minister one Sunday morning who said that if we are carrying around this old baggage and we were "stuck" in the remembrance of that, we needed to find a way to "unpack the bags".

That resonated with me in such a way that the very next day I discussed it with my new husband. He encouraged me to write it all down, and pour out the hurt, in my journals.

And I did. "One Wing In The Fire" (self published 2008) was born. I didn't write it for monetary gain. I wrote it for those who were being physically and emotionally abused. I wrote it so that if it but touched one life, prevented one woman, or man, from staying in such a situation, it would be worth any humiliation I might have in the telling of the tale.

I have been blessed with many women telling me that the book touched them. And a few sought shelter and left abusive relationships because of it.

Ms. Tucker's book, sought me out. I saw it in my reading selections, and I left it there. The title grabbed me from first glance. But my heart told me, no. Don't read it. Don't choose that book. You don't want to relive that nightmare again.

But still, the book remained in the reading cue. It sat there until one day, I noted that there was but a single copy left for review. And without allowing myself time to rethink, I ordered it.

When it arrived, I devoured the book in a single sitting.

Ms. Tucker's debate was rambling, and at times I wasn't sure just whose side she was on! She repeatedly debates whether the woman is the head of her own body or not. Or rather, the man is the head, as the Bible commands us.

The debate is whether the Bible demands the man is the head of the woman's body, and can bring "punishment" or not.

I have poured my heart out over this scripture and find nothing to tell us that the man has charge of "punishment" over a woman. But rather the opposite. The husband is to honor his wife, as the wife is to honor her husband. He is to submit to her and she to him.

I have spent many hours, nay, years, contemplating and praying over the scriptures with this. And it is my firm belief that this is meant for couples to be complimentary of one another, and to be in an agreement with one another. It is for peace and harmony in the home.The argument is that the Scripture reads that the wife is to submit to the husband as the church submits to Christ.

My argument back is that Christ allows us to have free will. We are to choose to follow Him. Not be beaten into following Him. And as such, wives should choose to submit to their husband. Or rather to be in agreement with him. That does not mean that if the wife does something that he doesn't like, or disproves, that he should take physical action against her. And likewise, she should not take physical action against him!

I kept going round and round with Ms. Tucker, until I finally realized what she was doing in her writing. She was opening us up for debate. Opening us up to discuss physical and emotional abuse in a Christian home, as Christian brothers and sisters, without fear of feeling we would become ostracized from within our Christian societies for opening that particular tin of worms!

Are we, men and women, truly equal? Does God want us to be equal? What does the Scripture really say about equality among the sexes? And is "punishment" ever warranted? Should a woman (or man) ever stay in an abusive situation?

Ms. Tucker tackles these questions with bravado. She tells us about her own abuse, without the gory details. She gives us the facts. She was physically abused. And, like most good Christian women, unsure of what she should do. Until she felt she had no further course of action to take.

For myself, it came down to me being afraid that if he didn't kill me, I would one day kill him in self defense. I prayed for the right way to end it. And God showed me the way, or rather handed me the way. I worked the night shift as a nurse, and came home one morning to find his belongings packed by the back door. Fifteen years and five small children from the time we married, he told me he had to go "find" himself. It was the kindest thing he ever did for me.

Again, this was not a book that I chose to read. But that chose me. And it has opened the door for debate and discussion, both in the home and in the church.

I give this book...Five Stars and a...Big Thumbs Up. I also give it my...Highly Recommended Award.


This book is suitable for individual and group reads. However, I warn you, debates will happen, whoever you share it with! You can purchase the book here on Amazon.com It is available in paperback, MP3 format, and for the Kindle reader. I read the paperback. Believe me, you won't want to put it down.




DISCLAIMER: This book was provided in exchange for a fair and non-biased review by Amazon Vine. The above opinions are solely that of the author of this blog.

[Michele Morin · Rating 5 out of 5]

No Sanction for Domestic Abuse


Ruth A. Tucker is a story teller.

I have vivid and fond memories from my experience of reading her Dynamic Women of the Bible when it was released in 2014. As she unfurled and then analyzed the story of each Biblical woman, tiny shards of her own story would poke through the narrative fabric: an abusive husband, the humiliation of his ministry gaffes and trail of deceit, an unwanted but life-saving divorce. All of this contributed to Ruth’s sensitivity in sharing the ancient tales, and I closed that book with an enriched understanding of God’s female protagonists — but there was a nagging curiosity, a sense that there was so much more story-behind-the- story that had contributed to Ruth A. Tucker’s strong voice and convictions about the importance of every woman’s story.

Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife tells Ruth’s frightening tale: an intelligent, well-educated young woman marries a charming but deeply dysfunctional man who, almost from the very beginning of their marriage, uses the Bible’s teaching on marriage as a club with which to beat her (and all women) into submission. Alongside this personal memoir, Ruth steps back to provide historical and theological perspectives that she has gained, and to ask startling questions about how and why she and other women in her position and with her resources would have hidden their husbands’ abuse beneath long sleeves — and lies.

Statistics show that more than 30% of “all women murdered in America are killed by their husbands, ex-husbands, or lovers,” and yet women continue to receive counsel that they should “submit” to their abusers — or hints that the abuse they are experiencing may be the result of their own lack of submission.

Careful research probes case studies as diverse as Catherine Dickens (wife of Charles) and Meredith Vieira (television personality). Actual accounts of court cases and stories of battered wives reveal that present-day unhelpful thinking is built on a history of weakness in defending women from domestic abuse. Even some of today’s most discerning leaders and thinkers are finally realizing that they have missed the boat.

Ephesians 5 provides a blueprint for family life that is frequently distorted by abusive males or controlling and fearful church leaders. A careful reading will reveal the truth that:

Patriarchy is not about power.
Leadership does not involve domination.
Truly Biblical teaching will not silence a wife who cries for help, and it will not sanction inappropriate behavior by men who use Scripture as a cloak for their sin. The issue that hangs like a barbed question mark over the entirety of Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife is whether a complementarian reading of Scripture actually leads to abuse of women, or whether the theological abuse and misinterpretation of legitimate Scriptural guidelines are merely a convenient cover for men who would abuse women within (or without) any faith context. Having been on the receiving end of this misuse of Scripture, Ruth Tucker is understandably leery about “the ‘s’ word.” My own experience of Ephesians 5:21 mutual submission within marriage from day one has formed my thinking about and reading of Scripture in a different direction, so while I may not agree with Ruth on every point, at the same time, I’ve never had to defend myself against an enraged, Scripture-spewing, out-of-control husband.

Balancing the Biblical scrapbook of family dysfunction, Ruth shares examples from Scripture of strong and decisive women and of men who, like the Apostle Paul, much-maligned “misogynist,” who actually praised his female co-workers for their faithfulness.

Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife is a call to grapple with and to evaluate motives behind theological positions on the family, to provide support to women who are experiencing abuse, and to speak out publicly against domestic violence. Upheld by a high view of the sovereignty of God, Ruth found hope, and her strong voice rings out with the tough questions that will spark conversation and challenge leadership to look squarely at the issue of the respect and safety of women. I applaud Ruth for reliving the painful years in order to share in and hopefully to dispel the shame and humiliation of other women who are enduring the “often silent epidemic of domestic abuse” — and its aftermath. Whatever conclusion one reaches about roles and relationships within the family, there is no Scriptural sanction for domestic abuse.

1 Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God . . . 21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (Ephesians 5:1,2,and 21)
//

This book was provided by Zondervan through the BookLookBloggers program in exchange for my review. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

[Jessica Geist · Rating 5 out of 5]

A brave look at the ways theology can be twisted to justify abuse. Absolutely recommend this as a read.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ruth Tucker married a man she was foolishly in love with, but she quickly saw who he really was when he started becoming violent with her. There were PLENTY of red flags before they got married that she overlooked and plenty more in their 20 years of marriage - he was fired from almost every job he ever had for things like stealing and plagarism. And to top it off her husband was a pastor. Tucker was educated and worked as a college professor, so why didn't she leave? Her main answer was that she was legitimately afraid he would kill her if she did. But, she eventually did along with her then-thirteen-year-old son. As she looks back at her own story she combines it with an exploration of what the Bible has to say about marriage and domestic violence and how all too often abusers use the Biblical theology of male "headship" to justify pretty much anything. The worst parts of this book were quotes from male pastors to abused wives telling them to continue to submit to their abusive husband instead of helping them pack up and leave. Tucker proves that it is possible to rise above supposedly Biblically supported abuse and move on - over 17 years after she leaves her abusive husband, she remarries a wonderful man to whom she is still happily married.

This isn't a new topic, but Tucker's book is incredibly well-written and articulate. She is not only an expert in theology, but also in surviving an abusive marriage. Her personal story only reinforces her points in the book. Overall, a fantastic book about an unfortunately always timely topic.

Some quotes I really liked:

"We sometimes read right past these words from Paul's letter to the Ephesians: 'Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.' Really? The standard is impossible. Christ gave himself up for the church by submitting to crucifixion. The husband's role is obviously to be read metaphorically. No husband is expected to die on a cross for his wife. Still, the benchmark is very high." (p. 18)

"When I think of a husband laying aside his glory for his wife, Robertson McQuilkin immediately comes to mind...most people know him as having served for more than two decades as the president of Columbia International University in Columbia, South Carolina. Much to the chagrin of the university's board of trustees, he quit at the height of his career to become a full-time homemaker. His wife, Muriel, had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease in 1981. By 1990, her condition had deteriorated to the point that she was becoming agitated and fearful unless he was with her. He had not promised 'till death do us part' to the university. To Muriel, however, he had. So he laid aside his glory as a university president to become a caretaker for Muriel." (p. 18)

"Very early in my first marriage, the Ephesians 5 passage was frequently used against me, always in a one-sided manner. That my ex-husband failed to love me as Christ loved the church was no applicable. That I was not submitting to him was the overriding issue. Anyone familiar with this passage knows it begins in verse 21: 'Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.' The next phrase, 'wives, to your own husbands,' has no verb in the original Greek. It is a verse that cannot be read without the topic sentence of mutual submission. Moreover, the entire passage places a far heavier burden of love and submission on the husband than it does on the wife, as I have written elsewhere:

It is safe to say that in the ancient world, Paul's admonition to women did not amount to shocking news. That a wife should submit to her husband was obvious. That was part of the very fabric of society and culture. But that husband and wife were to 'be subject to one another' had to be rather startling. And that the husband was to 'love his wife as Christ loved the church.' was certainly a standard far beyond what was expected of husbands in the ancient world. If anyone squirmed in the pew of the first-century church, it surely must have been the husband, not the wife." (p. 46-7)

[Some of the red flags Tucker learned about her now ex-husband before they married]
"I had already learned form my fiance that he had been expelled from Wheaton College for cheating and for breaking into a faculty office in search of exam answers. Two years later, he had been forced to leave Miami Christian College for behavior he did not clearly explain. And he was arrested as a peeping Tom near his parents' home on Long Island. All this, he told me, had been cured through counseling." (p. 38)

[Todd Wilhelm · Rating 5 out of 5]

Author Ruth A. Tucker recounts her life of domestic abuse endured at the hands of her husband, a pastor. She analyzes how Christians who hold to the complementarian viewpoint often enables abusive husbands. She also uses examples from her life of how pastors so often get it wrong when it comes to counseling women in abusive marriages.

This well written book should be mandatory reading in all seminaries.

"Few can comprehend the depth of shame that still lingers. And not just the shame of being married to an abusive minister, but also the awful acknowledgment of my own complicity— the failure to report my husband to law enforcement when his crimes involved an innocent foster child. “Your wifely submission [by not reporting him] was the right thing to do,” the Bible church minister assured me. It was not. What I failed to do was self-serving and terribly wrong, indeed, perhaps deadly wrong. By my very knowledge, I was an accomplice, and I will be haunted by that crime for the rest of my life."
(p. 13). Kindle Edition.

"Bruce Ware, who years ago was a colleague of mine at Trinity, stated the matter even more forcefully at a 2008 conference when he said that “women victims of domestic violence were often to blame for their own abuse because they were failing to submit to their husbands’ authority.”"
p. 197 Kindle Edition
(Bruce Ware is currently a professor at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. His quote may be seen here: http://religiondispatches.org/biblica...

"What my ex-husband saw in the election of women elders was power— women trying to take control. Headship in his eyes constituted authority that women were forbidden to exercise. His mind was closed to the benefits of creational gender difference—“ male and female he created them” (Genesis 1: 27, emphasis added). He felt threatened by his own church, by women in general, and by a wife who celebrated these gender differences. That a husband might feel threatened by an intelligent and articulate wife who speaks her mind could easily occur in an egalitarian marriage. But the man who insists the wife is under subjection is absolutely convinced that Scripture is on his side. And like my ex-husband, such men would typically have a significant gender advantage of physical size and strength. It’s a muscular Christianity that holds the Bible in one hand and a clenched fist in the other."
p. 73, Kindle Edition.

"Historically, the Inquisition stands as the most notorious club that meted out church discipline, and women were often in the crosshairs. But Protestants were also guilty. The Puritan church fathers in Salem, Massachusetts, hanged witches in the name of church discipline, as had been done in England and on the continent of Europe. And today church discipline is meted out by male elders, particularly in independent churches that require all members to sign a covenant."
p. 78, Kindle Edition.

"Misogyny. Men who hate women. This culture of hatred is found among religious and nonreligious alike. But what is truly astounding is that it is not infrequently seen among those who demand that women be subject to men, basing that obligation on Ephesians 5. What stands out in the passage is that husbands are directed to love their wives, just as Christ loved the church."
p. 126, Kindle Edition.

"Jesus: “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.” (Matthew 7: 12)

Paul: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5: 21)

Jesus: “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13: 34)

The burden of responding to these matters lies with those who preach male headship. Here I have asked some of the dozens of critical unanswered questions that relate directly to women’s stories of abuse. Sadly, there is little evidence that proponents of male headship are seriously grappling with them and speaking out publicly, and most women in such marriages are not being correctly counseled on matters of domestic violence. It is critical that there is a process in place to support such wives. It is my sincere hope that this volume and these stories will help spark conversation and will challenge Christian leaders and laypeople on both sides of the headship debate to deal directly and biblically with the often silent epidemic of domestic abuse."
p. 191, Kindle Edition.

[Kim · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ruth Tucker's story of physical abuse at the hands of her pastor husband bravely exposes the dark secret of domestic violence in the evangelical Christian subculture. For the author's courage to revisit horrific experiences and publicly share them, the book merits four stars.

Tucker deftly weaves in church history, shifts in theological perspectives over time, and the hermeneutical challenges of interpreting scripture on the issues of husband/wife relationships and gender roles in the church. Her experience and study in these areas shine through the text, though these are weighty subjects to try and cover in under two hundred pages. A bibliography or list of recommended readings would help readers less acquainted with the subjects and those who wish to study further.

The early chapters show promise, but as a memoir the book merits two stars. When Tucker shares her heart-wrenching experiences, the focus is on event details and less on the inner struggle. In Chapter Twelve she neatly sums up the story without describing the mental and emotional wrestling she surely endured before finally leaving her husband. She invites the reader into the foyer of her inner world, but no further.

An instructor at the Iowa Writing Festival said, "Most writers have three memoirs in them." Hopefully Ruth Tucker will finish the trilogy she bravely began.

[Julie · Rating 3 out of 5]

The books is a bit rambling, but overall fascinating book of a woman who is teaching seminary classes, and who believes women should be treated equal to men in the church and home, and at the same time puts up with her husband's violent demands that she submit to him. I am not judging her, I am just fascinated at the contrast. As if her cognitive beliefs and her emotional beliefs about her own worth are in constant conflict.

Some of the most infuriating and (unfortunately) predictable parts of the book are when she goes to pastors for help, and they tell her she was right to submit to him in his abuse and violence. Having grown up in conservative churches this part of the book absolutely disgusts me. I have experienced this kind of thinking firsthand. Church history and all of the past and current men who preach a misogynistic message, and who have controlled the gender dialogue in the church disgust me.

I am so grateful for the internet which has given female voices who have been suppressed and silenced for so long a megaphone to shout their experiences across the world. The church needs to repent, and start treating women as human beings worthy of respect, dignity, and an equal voice.

[Donna Blalock]

Disclosure: I received this book for an honest review. No additional compensation was provided. All opinions expressed here are entirely my own.



Book Description

Ruth Tucker recounts a harrowing story of abuse at the hands of her husband—a well-educated, charming preacher no less—in hope that her story would help other women caught in a cycle of domestic violence and offer a balanced biblical approach to counter such abuse for pastors and counselors. Weaving together her shocking story, stories of other women, and powerful stories of husbands who truly have demonstrated Christ’s love to their wives, with reflection on biblical, theological, historical, and contemporary issues surrounding domestic violence, she makes a compelling case for mutuality in marriage and helps women and men become more aware of potential dangers in a doctrine of male headship.

This is a book written about a woman who was abused by her husband who just so happens to be a preacher as well.

She discusses her views on Bible passages and tells about the passages her husband used to feel that abuse was ok.

Although this book was very well written, I found it hard to read. Maybe because it’s a subject I don’t really know about.

[Mark · Rating 5 out of 5]

Husbands cannot use the Bible to verbally, physically or sexually abuse their wives. If a wife is being physically or verbally abused, she should leave, because it is unlikely that he is going to change. This is a problem of epidemic proportions in the United States, and one can certainly see how a husband can misuse the Bible to find justification for this awful behavior. Ruth Tucker married such a man who beat her up (for reasons like using too much water when washing the dishes) and for thinking differently than he did about theological and political issues. He was a misogynist. That means a man who hates women.

This is an important book written by an ex-black and blue wife and deserves to be read by anyone interested in the complementarian-egalitarian debate among Christians. My position I think is that abused women should leave their husbands regardless of what kind of marriage they are in. The husband is not likely to change. Complementarians (those who believe that men and women complement each other in marriage) should mention this fact when they preach about the Bible verses about wives submitting to their husbands. The Bible verse does not mean that wives should submit to abuse.

[CrabbyPatty · Rating 4 out of 5]

A powerful and often difficult-to-read book centering on the concept of "headship", defined in Ephesians 5:22-24: “Let wives be in subjection to their husbands as to the Lord, because a husband is head of his wife as the Christ also is head of the congregation . . . In fact, as the congregation is in subjection to the Christ, so let wives also be to their husbands in everything.”

Ruth Tucker's former husband was a pastor, who beat and terrorized her throughout their marriage, all the while tossing out bible verses on how she needed to be submissive to him in all things. Counseling, even Christian counseling, was out of the question because any counselor who disagreed with her ex-husband would be usurping his leadership. Unfortunately, there are Christians who firmly believe in headship, even if the wife is in a abusive relationship.

Tucker, a former professor at the Calvin Theological Seminary, offers a sound bible-based approach to refuting headship, along with personal stories of her abuse as well as other women's stories. This is an important book that needs to be read!

I received an ARC of this book from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

[Oak · Rating 5 out of 5]

Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife by Ruth A. Tucker is a powerful book addressing the problem of domestic abuse. Tucker delivers thoughtful and intelligent points, and she skillfully dissects the ways in which people often defend abusers and condone domestic abuse. Besides being an important and insightful book in general, Black and White Bible, Black and Blue Wife is a great resource for individuals who like to keep up with the egalitarian vs. complementarian debate. Tucker excellently analyzes the viewpoints of various pastors, and I especially appreciated the chapter “Two to tango? The Burden of Blame, Shame, and Guilt” which discusses how women are often blamed for their own abuse.

Tucker has so many perceptive things to say regarding headship, mutuality, misogyny, and abuse of power. Through telling her story, Tucker gives a good lesson on the traits (and red flags) associated with an abuser. She also discusses the meaning of Biblical passages, and shares journal entries she wrote during her abusive marriage. Tucker’s story will resonate with readers; I am so glad that she wrote this book!

*I received this book for review*

[Eve Lyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Can we come together as a Christian community and recognize that the doctrine of male headship has sometimes been used as a cover to perpetrate violence against women?”

—Ruth Tucker

I admire Ruth Tucker's courage to open up her wound about her past abusive marriage. I believe her intention of writing this book is not to write a good theory of equality in marriage between husband and wife but to help every women out there who are and might facing the same problem as hers.

This book open my eyes that domestic violence does not only happen to the low middle class uneducated woman. Ruth Tucker is a smart and Godly woman, and planning to pursue her PhD when she first met her husband. Her education didn't prevent her to be trapped in an abusive marriage for 19 years with her preacher husband (now ex-husband).

With a little bit of her story and other stories, in Black and White Bible, Black and Blue wife, Ruth Tucker share her opinion how a marriage should be a mutual equally relationship between a husband and a wife. A husband should lead his wife but not rule over his wife.

[Denise DiFalco · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ruth A. Tucker's "Black and White Bible; Black and Blue Wife" was difficult for me to read because I was in a similar position. My husband was Presiding Deacon of our Church for years yet behind doors at home he was everything but christian like. He was both verbally and physically abusive. When I turned to the one place I thought could help me instead of was met with resentment for sharing the truth. Abuse is hard enough to withstand but mix it with the politics of Church and male headship and than the victim feels totally alone. I admire the courage of Ms. Tucker to write this book and share her real experience. My prayer is that her story will resonate the higher ups in the Church. From reading her publication it is apparent that this disturbing cycle occurs more often than once thought. I feel that it is imperative for the clergy to read. I am honored to have read this book for Book Look Bloggers.

[Marie · Rating 2 out of 5]

While I applaud the author for sharing her story of domestic violence, her theology regarding complementarianism is off base. I understand that she had that theological standpoint used against her as a basis for justifying the violence against her, it doesn't make it something that complementarianism agrees with. I can very well understand why her experience colors her view on the theology.

While going into reading this book I knew I would disagree on her standpoint theologically, but its one of the reasons that I enjoy reading; it makes me think and dig into what I believe, especially regarding theology and even life in general. Makes me know what I believe, even when I disagree.

While her story is important, and I am glad that she told it, I wouldn't recommend due to the issues with theology.

[Readnponder · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ruth Tucker is known to many for her books on missions and church history. She taught for years at the seminary level. This memoir is a departure, wherein Dr. Tucker talks about the domestic abuse she endured for years at the hand of her husband. Often she would wear long-sleeves in warm weather to cover the bruises. She was conflicted between being a loyal, supportive wife and removing herself and her son to a place of safety. When she tried counseling, the quick answer was be a more submissive wife.
We like to think that this behavior does not occur in Christian homes, but guess what? It does. And sometimes the Christian community is more concerned about protecting its reputation -- often by shaming the victim into silence -- than protecting the vulnerable.

[Ann Gemmel · Rating 4 out of 5]

A eye opening read about the heartbreak of domestic violence even within the realm of church leadership. The author has a compelling and heart wrenching story and its easy to see why she takes a very strong stand for equality in marriage and theologically addresses the often rarely considered perspective within patriarchal, conservative evangelical circles. I cannot say I have fully changed my perspective but this book and her reasoning leaves one with lots to think about. An important read for men and women in church leadership and for pastoral counselors.