Goddamn, Drusilla Modjeska. I seemed to spend most of my reading time being annoyed, the meandering structure; the assumptions of a shared culture (especially literary) and world; the way that the author is the only figure who ever seems to come into focus. I spend my time thinking "oh well, maybe this isn't my book right now". And yet, I find myself laying it aside reluctantly, and once I have, continuing to let it do it's meandering thing around in my brain. Finishing the book, I feel both enriched and a little desolate, not yet willing to let my sojourn in her world end right now. I have no idea how she manages this, to be honest, given how unassuming the words on the page seem to be.
For me, reading, more than any other activity, is a way to create the self. When I walk out my front door, I have limited control over what will happen and what I will experience, but with reading a make a choice as to what ideas to expose myself too, what rhythms to think in, what perspectives to consider. It is hardly a surprise that studies show that reading can significantly shift your empathy, change your capacity to think and the way we respond to experience. The particular style of personal, and intellectual intertwining that Modjeska excels at, that she so admires in Woolf, Lessing and Beauvoir, that was so much influenced by and influencing of, feminism, makes for an intensely personal reading experience, as if you are in mental dialogue with a person who half exists, is half made up, leading inevitably to a meditation on the similarities and the differences in lives, perspectives, feelings.
Modjeska is firmly of my mother's generation, being only a few months older. Throughout my adolescence, these crew of feminist writers - Modjeska; Hazel Rowley; Lynne Segal; Robyn Archer - loomed large as fierce warriors creating a new world. My mother and her friends read them, discussed them, and she gave me their books to read. It is strange, on some level, to read of the reality of their lives at this point, living in the same Sydney terrace houses in the same suburbs I would move to a decade later, having much the same experiences with lovers and facing the same dilemmas around sexual freedom in a still sexist world.
Other reverberations were more painful, Modjeska deliberately writes sparingly of the emotional landscape of a lover with severe mental illness, hinting and skirting around an anguish that is complicated, and somehow unfair. There is brute honesty in this, as in all parts of the book, and a willingness to look at the self unflinchingly, which should not be confused with the illusion of seeing clearly.
The themes that resonated the loudest for me, however, at this moment in time in my life, were those of this intergenerational community of women, who have so transformed our lives. I am so struck, reading this, by how different our mothers' lives were from their mothers, and also, in different ways, from our own. Modjeska looks to her mothers' generation as agents of dramatic change, in much the same way as I view the Baby Boomer feminists. And both are true. In a matter of a few generations, the lives that women in the West can expect to live have expanded greatly. From childcare, maternity leave, equal pay have sprung enormous cultural changes, and we now have such a revolution in the understanding of gendered violence, although the violence is with us still, the cultural shift in criminalising and condemning sexual harassment, 'date' and marital rape is enormous. The emergence of terms such as 'mansplaining' (I must admit to preferring Modjeska and her crew's similar-but-not-identical shorthand of "Greenwich Mean Time" to describe the automatic assumption of those with privilege that their perspective is the norm) reveal a greater shift, that recognises the right of women to respect. None of these changes happened without women who made them happen, who pushed back on boundaries, and refused to believe that their personal lives were not matters of politics. Our connections with each other are messy and personal, because women's lives and struggles are messy and personal. And it is, in large part, through reading that we conduct dialogues over the breach, supplementing the conversations about the politics of living female that we have with our friends, our mothers and aunts, and our daughters and nieces. There is a wonderful Australianess to this perspective as well, it is fascinating to me that Modjeska, coming so late to this country, has a literary world bounded by Stead and Noonuccal, more than Woolf or Wollstonecraft. I am grateful, reading this, to have been of a generation that I think, does not have to choose so hard between the space to think and create, and love and intimacy, while also being aware of how much of that need remains, for women to push back against the myriad of personal expectations - from being a carer of our families through to being tolerant of being patronised and harassed - that are placed, in order to have intellectual space
Mostly, it left with an overwhelming urge to read Woolf, someone I have attempted for decades. So we'll see how that goes.