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Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up
What does it really mean to be a grown-up in today's world? We assume that once we "get it together" with the right job, marry the right person, have children, and buy a home, all is settled and well. But adulthood presents varying levels of growth and is rarely the respite of stability we expected. Turbulent emotional shifts can take place anywhere between the age of thirty-five and seventy when we question the choices we've made, realize our limitations, and feel stuck-commonly known as the "midlife crisis." Jungian psychoanalyst James Hollis believes that it is only in the second half of life that we can truly come to know who we are and thus create a life that has meaning. In Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life, Hollis explores the ways we can grow and evolve to fully become ourselves when the traditional roles of adulthood aren't quite working for us. Offering wisdom to anyone facing a career that no longer seems fulfilling, a long-term relationship that has shifted, or family transitions that raise issues of aging and mortality, Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life provides a reassuring message and a crucial bridge across this critical passage of adult development.
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First published January 1, 2005
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September 2, 2013
The heart of this book could be stated in one short sentence: "The goal of life is not happiness but meaning." (232)
Easily said, but how to find that meaning exactly? That's what the rest of the book addresses. This isn't a "how-to" book, as Hollis explains in his introduction. This book doesn't have any lists to diligently check off on the way to find meaning. Instead, this book is a guide to help the reader to ask the deeper questions of oneself and to have some framework for beginning to understand the answers that will come back.
The title is a slight misnomer, because who knows exactly when the second half of life begins? The subscript of the title, however, gives away the true motivation of the book: "How to Finally, REALLY Grow Up."
Hollis' definition of "growing up" centers on the relational and spiritual work that we each must do if we hope for the flourishing and full development of our Selves. There is no hiding behind a fancy house or Facebook wedding photos/baby photos/whatever-happy-event photos. Reading this book means embarking on an honest examination of who each of us really is at our deepest core and how we connect that to our true longings in life.
By the way, don't worry about how young or old you are when approaching this book. It's not about a "mid-life crisis" -- it's about the crisis that we inevitably find ourselves in when we realize that how we've been leading our lives doesn't match who we really are, and that is something that can happen at any point in life and several times over. This is a book that I will definitely be keeping and rereading throughout the years.
His chapter on intimate relationships was one of the best that I've read on relationships, period. It alone is worth getting the book. He also has an outstanding analysis of religion and spirituality and how they fit into the journey of the soul.
There are so many passages that I marked, but I want to include a few of my favorite quotes from the book to whet the appetite for more self-growth.
"Psychological or spiritual development always requires a greater capacity in us for the toleration of anxiety and ambiguity. The capacity to accept this troubled state, abide it, and commit to life, is the moral measure of our maturity." (40)
"Grieving is an honest affirmation of the value of the original investment of energy." (73)
"So often we experience depression as a dark herald with a grim countenance that tells us something in us is dying, has reached its end, is played out, and yet it really is announcing something new, something larger, something developmental that wishes greater play in our life." (76)
"The 'in love' state, great narcotic as it is, numbs consciousness, retards growth, and serves as a soporific to the soul. Consciously loving another obliges risk, courage in the face of ambiguity, and the strength of tolerance... In the encounter with the other, we begin to realize the immensity of our own soul; by encountering the immensity of the other's soul, including the parts we do not like, we are summoned to largeness, not the diminishment that our infantile agenda seeks." (119)
"Desire and suffering are twins. If we risk loving, we will always open to larger suffering as well." (123)
"The ultimate test of the family is not whether it provides safety and predictability, but whether or to what degree each person can leave it, freely, and return, freely, as a larger person." (142)
"Fundamentalism, be it religious or political or psychological, is an anxiety management technique that finesses the nuances of doubt and ambiguity through rigid and simplistic belief systems." (164-165)
"We know that narcissism is not self-love but rather the confession that one cannot love the self... The failure to accept ourselves makes it very difficult, if not impossible, to accept others, despite our desire to do so." (222)
Easily said, but how to find that meaning exactly? That's what the rest of the book addresses. This isn't a "how-to" book, as Hollis explains in his introduction. This book doesn't have any lists to diligently check off on the way to find meaning. Instead, this book is a guide to help the reader to ask the deeper questions of oneself and to have some framework for beginning to understand the answers that will come back.
The title is a slight misnomer, because who knows exactly when the second half of life begins? The subscript of the title, however, gives away the true motivation of the book: "How to Finally, REALLY Grow Up."
Hollis' definition of "growing up" centers on the relational and spiritual work that we each must do if we hope for the flourishing and full development of our Selves. There is no hiding behind a fancy house or Facebook wedding photos/baby photos/whatever-happy-event photos. Reading this book means embarking on an honest examination of who each of us really is at our deepest core and how we connect that to our true longings in life.
By the way, don't worry about how young or old you are when approaching this book. It's not about a "mid-life crisis" -- it's about the crisis that we inevitably find ourselves in when we realize that how we've been leading our lives doesn't match who we really are, and that is something that can happen at any point in life and several times over. This is a book that I will definitely be keeping and rereading throughout the years.
His chapter on intimate relationships was one of the best that I've read on relationships, period. It alone is worth getting the book. He also has an outstanding analysis of religion and spirituality and how they fit into the journey of the soul.
There are so many passages that I marked, but I want to include a few of my favorite quotes from the book to whet the appetite for more self-growth.
"Psychological or spiritual development always requires a greater capacity in us for the toleration of anxiety and ambiguity. The capacity to accept this troubled state, abide it, and commit to life, is the moral measure of our maturity." (40)
"Grieving is an honest affirmation of the value of the original investment of energy." (73)
"So often we experience depression as a dark herald with a grim countenance that tells us something in us is dying, has reached its end, is played out, and yet it really is announcing something new, something larger, something developmental that wishes greater play in our life." (76)
"The 'in love' state, great narcotic as it is, numbs consciousness, retards growth, and serves as a soporific to the soul. Consciously loving another obliges risk, courage in the face of ambiguity, and the strength of tolerance... In the encounter with the other, we begin to realize the immensity of our own soul; by encountering the immensity of the other's soul, including the parts we do not like, we are summoned to largeness, not the diminishment that our infantile agenda seeks." (119)
"Desire and suffering are twins. If we risk loving, we will always open to larger suffering as well." (123)
"The ultimate test of the family is not whether it provides safety and predictability, but whether or to what degree each person can leave it, freely, and return, freely, as a larger person." (142)
"Fundamentalism, be it religious or political or psychological, is an anxiety management technique that finesses the nuances of doubt and ambiguity through rigid and simplistic belief systems." (164-165)
"We know that narcissism is not self-love but rather the confession that one cannot love the self... The failure to accept ourselves makes it very difficult, if not impossible, to accept others, despite our desire to do so." (222)
January 5, 2013
At some point after my 40th birthday, I began to see clearly that life is not a goal-oriented activity. It's process oriented. How and why we do everything matters so much more than what we do. Hollis's work is always personally challenging, sometimes on a 'tectonic plate' level. In this book, like a zen master, Hollis challenges us to grow up and accept life with a full heart on Life's terms, finally, while we still have time to enjoy it.
October 23, 2018
سوگواری کردن به خاطر از دست دادن یک رابطه صمیمی ، به معنی تجلیل از چیزی است که ما به عنوان یک هدیه دریافت کرده بودیم ، اما این حالت همچنین ممکن است این سوال را مطرح کند که ما چه چیزی از طرف مقابل درخواست میکردیم که لازم است خودمان آن را برای خود انجام دهیم ؟
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May 23, 2022
Have you been waiting for an update to psychoanalysis for the new century? Are you nearing or passing through middle age? Well, if this defines you, then this book may be of interest.
The primary thrust of the book is bringing the findings of psychoanalysis home to early 21st century Americans and American life. As with most of psychoanalysis, be it classical or contemporary, to embrace the message you have to be ready to psychologically identify and move beyond the internalized sources of direction and authority from childhood and young adulthood: be they the internalizations of the parents, the spouse, the peer group, or the company. At the core of the book is the recognition that one of the underlying maladies of modern life is a lack of meaning and a corresponding lack of fulfillment. This is one source of the proverbial mid-life crisis and a reason why adults continue to seek their direction from internalizations of the parents and other authority figures from earlier in life. Rather than confronting it, many people chose various routes of escape: be it shopping, a new sports car, drugs and alcohol, sexual and gender exploration, or going full on new right red pill. It hits people at different points and to different extents; some “fortunate” souls it never hits at all. In reading the book, you'll want to be moderately comfortable navigating some of the principles of psychoanalysis such as projections and transference. The corresponding work one must undertake may be worth it though.
The work and direction do not have to come from this book. Whatever the source, that is the price of living the examined life and charting one's own course towards meaning and hopefully a marginally more fulfilled life. There are, it is worth noting, many other routes of advice that have sprung up in the late 20th and early 21st centuries that are directly or indirectly descended from psychoanalysis ranging from counseling and therapy, to cognitive behavioral therapy, to self-help and life coaching. In a certain sense, it is pick your own adventure. The quest as ever for this book and the psychoanalytic track is to take existential misery and convert it into normal human suffering. Of course, as goes with the territory, the issues to be addressed and suggestions to address them fall under the scope of "first world problems" but that does not make the problems and the challenge to overcome them any less real for the person undergoing them. The book is a little dated, in that the culture has moved on from the mid-2000s, and the evasions that people make have evolved. All the same, the findings are still salient, even if the evasions that you or other people make are a little different, perhaps seem a little more sophisticated, and are a little more novel to root out and overcome.
The primary thrust of the book is bringing the findings of psychoanalysis home to early 21st century Americans and American life. As with most of psychoanalysis, be it classical or contemporary, to embrace the message you have to be ready to psychologically identify and move beyond the internalized sources of direction and authority from childhood and young adulthood: be they the internalizations of the parents, the spouse, the peer group, or the company. At the core of the book is the recognition that one of the underlying maladies of modern life is a lack of meaning and a corresponding lack of fulfillment. This is one source of the proverbial mid-life crisis and a reason why adults continue to seek their direction from internalizations of the parents and other authority figures from earlier in life. Rather than confronting it, many people chose various routes of escape: be it shopping, a new sports car, drugs and alcohol, sexual and gender exploration, or going full on new right red pill. It hits people at different points and to different extents; some “fortunate” souls it never hits at all. In reading the book, you'll want to be moderately comfortable navigating some of the principles of psychoanalysis such as projections and transference. The corresponding work one must undertake may be worth it though.
The work and direction do not have to come from this book. Whatever the source, that is the price of living the examined life and charting one's own course towards meaning and hopefully a marginally more fulfilled life. There are, it is worth noting, many other routes of advice that have sprung up in the late 20th and early 21st centuries that are directly or indirectly descended from psychoanalysis ranging from counseling and therapy, to cognitive behavioral therapy, to self-help and life coaching. In a certain sense, it is pick your own adventure. The quest as ever for this book and the psychoanalytic track is to take existential misery and convert it into normal human suffering. Of course, as goes with the territory, the issues to be addressed and suggestions to address them fall under the scope of "first world problems" but that does not make the problems and the challenge to overcome them any less real for the person undergoing them. The book is a little dated, in that the culture has moved on from the mid-2000s, and the evasions that people make have evolved. All the same, the findings are still salient, even if the evasions that you or other people make are a little different, perhaps seem a little more sophisticated, and are a little more novel to root out and overcome.
March 5, 2023
Actual rating: probably 2 1/2 stars since my response was not quite "I liked it," but two stars seems a little harsh.
Hollis quotes a lot of Jung and a lot of Rilke. He clearly disdains anything remotely "new age" (which he seems to use a very large umbrella to cover) and most of modern society. I don't necessarily disagree with him, but I found a couple hundred pages of his tone wearing. He reminded me of the head of a corporation who pontificates on everything and is happy about nothing.
At the very end of the book is a short list of questions, each of which could be fodder for therapy billable hours for years and most of which are unanswerable. Had that list been at the beginning of the book, I might have felt that reading it had more of a point.
I read a lot of Jung in college (kind of.required for a psych minor back then), and I just don't remember Jung being so grumpy, judgmental, and preachy. Maybe if one wants Jung, one should just read Jung.
Hollis quotes a lot of Jung and a lot of Rilke. He clearly disdains anything remotely "new age" (which he seems to use a very large umbrella to cover) and most of modern society. I don't necessarily disagree with him, but I found a couple hundred pages of his tone wearing. He reminded me of the head of a corporation who pontificates on everything and is happy about nothing.
At the very end of the book is a short list of questions, each of which could be fodder for therapy billable hours for years and most of which are unanswerable. Had that list been at the beginning of the book, I might have felt that reading it had more of a point.
I read a lot of Jung in college (kind of.required for a psych minor back then), and I just don't remember Jung being so grumpy, judgmental, and preachy. Maybe if one wants Jung, one should just read Jung.
March 30, 2011
When my only son went to college, I was struggling with the common issue of the empty nest, and finding meaning in the new chapter of life that I was beginning. A cynical parent I knew quipped sarcastically, "Get a life!" I've had a life, thank you, I responded inwardly. An all-absorbing, rewarding one. That's why I can't just turn off a switch and disengage.
This woman's trite cliché trivialized the complex process of switching gears when one's kids leave home, glossing over the grief-loss component and midlife transition issues. A wiser, wittier friend offered this advice: "Find a new source of meaning, and try not to get too fat."
I perused many books about letting go of our college age kids and our old parenting role, and looking forward to the future. But this book by a Jungian psychoanalyst offered the richest, deepest perspective on the second half of life I had ever found.
Like most books based on Carl Jung's depth psychology, Dr. Hollis' book is not for the squeamish or the shallow. It is not self-help lite, promising the reader magic, instant personal reinvention by learning a few superficial principles. Through a discussion of the lives of many midlife adults, facing crossroads requiring great courage, embracing the heretofore ignored "shadow" in their souls, Dr. Hollis invites the reader into the deep end of the pool. In the second half of life, the author asserts, it is our developmental task, to individuate, to become more authentically ourselves.
Carl Jung's insightful quote about "the afternoon of life" might well be on the back cover of this book:
"A human being would certainly not grow to be seventy or eighty years old if this longevity had no meaning for the species. The afternoon of human life must also have a significance of its own and cannot be merely a pitiful appendage to life's morning. The significance of the morning undoubtedly lies in the development of the individual, our entrenchment in the outer world, the propagation of our kind, and the care of our children. This is the obvious purpose of nature. But when this purpose has been attained - and more than attained - shall the earning of money, the extension of conquests, and the expansion of life go steadily on beyond the bounds of all reason and sense? Whoever carries over into the afternoon the law of the morning, or the natural aim, must pay for it with damage to his soul, just as surely as a growing youth who tries to carry over his childish egoism into adult life must pay for this mistake with social failure."
("The Stages of Life" (1930). In CW 8: The Structure and Dynamics of the Psyche. P. 787)
This woman's trite cliché trivialized the complex process of switching gears when one's kids leave home, glossing over the grief-loss component and midlife transition issues. A wiser, wittier friend offered this advice: "Find a new source of meaning, and try not to get too fat."
I perused many books about letting go of our college age kids and our old parenting role, and looking forward to the future. But this book by a Jungian psychoanalyst offered the richest, deepest perspective on the second half of life I had ever found.
Like most books based on Carl Jung's depth psychology, Dr. Hollis' book is not for the squeamish or the shallow. It is not self-help lite, promising the reader magic, instant personal reinvention by learning a few superficial principles. Through a discussion of the lives of many midlife adults, facing crossroads requiring great courage, embracing the heretofore ignored "shadow" in their souls, Dr. Hollis invites the reader into the deep end of the pool. In the second half of life, the author asserts, it is our developmental task, to individuate, to become more authentically ourselves.
Carl Jung's insightful quote about "the afternoon of life" might well be on the back cover of this book:
"A human being would certainly not grow to be seventy or eighty years old if this longevity had no meaning for the species. The afternoon of human life must also have a significance of its own and cannot be merely a pitiful appendage to life's morning. The significance of the morning undoubtedly lies in the development of the individual, our entrenchment in the outer world, the propagation of our kind, and the care of our children. This is the obvious purpose of nature. But when this purpose has been attained - and more than attained - shall the earning of money, the extension of conquests, and the expansion of life go steadily on beyond the bounds of all reason and sense? Whoever carries over into the afternoon the law of the morning, or the natural aim, must pay for it with damage to his soul, just as surely as a growing youth who tries to carry over his childish egoism into adult life must pay for this mistake with social failure."
("The Stages of Life" (1930). In CW 8: The Structure and Dynamics of the Psyche. P. 787)
February 21, 2010
Read this book! And you don't need to be old to read it....profound
April 3, 2008
What a horrible title for an excellent book. Great food for thought and encouragement for people who suspect or have discovered that the mainstream path laid out for us is unsatisfying and lacking. I made notes, highlighted and underlined so much in this book, there is little that I did not find applicable or noteworthy.
August 20, 2013
Spoiler: yes, this is a self-help book. I wasn't really in the need for one but a friend of mine recommended me to it and I read it. It is good. It has some profound insights which can help people move out of the things that are keeping them from moving on with their lives and stop living the live they were expected to live for others. It can get boring from time to time, because it feels like you're getting lectured by someone with all the answers, which is common in self-help books. But I was able to filter some very good stuff that I had not found in other books on human behaviour, so the book definetly has its value and the author is really onto something here. You just have to give it a chance.
June 23, 2024
Kullandığım yer imlerinden de anlaşılacağı üzere etkilendiğim yerler oldukça fazlaydı. Bazı yerlerin boyumdan derin olduğunu hissetsem de yüreğim yettiğince anlamaya çabaladım.
Verim aldım diyebileceğim nadir kişisel gelişim kitaplarından diyebilirim. Okuma süreci bitti mi derseniz, şimdilik evet. Şimdilik dedim çünkü hayatın belli noktalarında takıldıkça bu eser elimde olacak.
Yaşamın ikinci yarısının anlamına dair fikirler verse de bu kitabı 25 yaş üzeri merak eden herkes okuyabilir. Yeter ki içinde kendini, çevreyi anlama merakı olsun.
Eyyorlamam bu kadar.
February 6, 2021
Some problems I see with the author's point of view:
1. He thinks everyone's goal in life is toward self-realization. I wonder if he ever came across the argument espoused in Please Understand Me II: Temperament, Character, Intelligence, where the author says that this goal toward self-realization is more common among certain types of people (NF/Idealist), which also happens to be the personality most common among psychotherapists. In other words, just because he, James Hollis, had this need, and a lot of the people he reads also had this need, he thinks people who don't get there are as unhappy as he was before he got there.
2. He is very sure that the child's family is the biggest influence in his life, forever. I wonder if he ever came across the arguments espoused in The Nurture Assumption: Why Children Turn Out the Way They Do, where a specialist in child development attacks quite convincingly that theory.
3. In his rousseauistic view of human beings he seems to disregard the possibility that some people should really adapt to their family's or society's pressures. There are many immature people in the world that are or would be better off following more traditional roadmaps for a good life than listening to themselves. The stories of the most idiotic behaviors by people who are just “doing their thang”, narrated by Theodore Dalrymple comes to mind.
4. Not wanting to sound more unscientific than he already has to (he's not a psychologist/ psychiatrist and he's Jungian) the author repeats twice or thrice, when talking about depression, that he's "not referring to biological depression, which might account for 25% of the cases and in which case the patient should take antidepressants". I wonder if he's aware that no biological marker for depression has ever been found, or of the mounting evidence that antidepressants are as good as active placebos (The New Mind-Body Science of Depression, The Emperor's New Drugs: Exploding the Antidepressant Myth, Anatomy of an Epidemic: Magic Bullets, Psychiatric Drugs, and the Astonishing Rise of Mental Illness in America)
5. He is a bit too interested in his inner word. It reminded me of Becoming Myself: A Psychiatrist's Memoir, Irvin Yalom's autobiography. Among other things Yalom would record and listen to his own psychotherapy sessions, sometimes more than once, analyze himself extensively, reread his own journal entries, his own books, etc. I mean, surely there's a healthier mean between not being aware of your own inner life and being that self-obsessed. And as far as I can tell from this guy and Yalom's late writings, this way of being isn’t making them very equanimous in their journeys towards death (they’re both in their 80's). I get the impression they should give their inner lives a rest and be a little bit more like normal old people for a change. I don't think it's a coincidence you can't quite find Hollis' age online (only estimates) - he seems to be fighting with being perceived as old.
------------------
O James Hollis é um psicoterapeuta junguiano, ou seja, é um profissional que segue as teorias do psiquiatra Carl Jung para tratar das pessoas. Geralmente, os junguianos dão muita ênfase ao poder do inconsciente pra guiar a vida das pessoas, então tentam acessar esse inconsciente através dos sonhos e de outros símbolos na vida da pessoa. A ideia é que o inconsciente sabe o que é melhor e sempre está, em uma dialética com o consciente, buscando guiar o paciente rumo à individuação, Isto é, ao processo através do qual a pessoa se torna a versão mais madura e completa de si mesmo.
1. He thinks everyone's goal in life is toward self-realization. I wonder if he ever came across the argument espoused in Please Understand Me II: Temperament, Character, Intelligence, where the author says that this goal toward self-realization is more common among certain types of people (NF/Idealist), which also happens to be the personality most common among psychotherapists. In other words, just because he, James Hollis, had this need, and a lot of the people he reads also had this need, he thinks people who don't get there are as unhappy as he was before he got there.
2. He is very sure that the child's family is the biggest influence in his life, forever. I wonder if he ever came across the arguments espoused in The Nurture Assumption: Why Children Turn Out the Way They Do, where a specialist in child development attacks quite convincingly that theory.
3. In his rousseauistic view of human beings he seems to disregard the possibility that some people should really adapt to their family's or society's pressures. There are many immature people in the world that are or would be better off following more traditional roadmaps for a good life than listening to themselves. The stories of the most idiotic behaviors by people who are just “doing their thang”, narrated by Theodore Dalrymple comes to mind.
4. Not wanting to sound more unscientific than he already has to (he's not a psychologist/ psychiatrist and he's Jungian) the author repeats twice or thrice, when talking about depression, that he's "not referring to biological depression, which might account for 25% of the cases and in which case the patient should take antidepressants". I wonder if he's aware that no biological marker for depression has ever been found, or of the mounting evidence that antidepressants are as good as active placebos (The New Mind-Body Science of Depression, The Emperor's New Drugs: Exploding the Antidepressant Myth, Anatomy of an Epidemic: Magic Bullets, Psychiatric Drugs, and the Astonishing Rise of Mental Illness in America)
5. He is a bit too interested in his inner word. It reminded me of Becoming Myself: A Psychiatrist's Memoir, Irvin Yalom's autobiography. Among other things Yalom would record and listen to his own psychotherapy sessions, sometimes more than once, analyze himself extensively, reread his own journal entries, his own books, etc. I mean, surely there's a healthier mean between not being aware of your own inner life and being that self-obsessed. And as far as I can tell from this guy and Yalom's late writings, this way of being isn’t making them very equanimous in their journeys towards death (they’re both in their 80's). I get the impression they should give their inner lives a rest and be a little bit more like normal old people for a change. I don't think it's a coincidence you can't quite find Hollis' age online (only estimates) - he seems to be fighting with being perceived as old.
------------------
O James Hollis é um psicoterapeuta junguiano, ou seja, é um profissional que segue as teorias do psiquiatra Carl Jung para tratar das pessoas. Geralmente, os junguianos dão muita ênfase ao poder do inconsciente pra guiar a vida das pessoas, então tentam acessar esse inconsciente através dos sonhos e de outros símbolos na vida da pessoa. A ideia é que o inconsciente sabe o que é melhor e sempre está, em uma dialética com o consciente, buscando guiar o paciente rumo à individuação, Isto é, ao processo através do qual a pessoa se torna a versão mais madura e completa de si mesmo.
September 14, 2022
I was interested to dive into this book -- I listened to it on Audible. What a slog. Very repetitive -- though I think most non-fiction books are incredibly repetitive and padded -- felt like it could have been about 1/3 as long. And my experience of the author was that he was just so pedantic and in love with his own thoughts and voice. I very rarely fall down into gender stereotypes because a) they are frequently untrue, and b) I hate to be gender stereotyped myself, but it was just so very, very male! Just the way he was thinking and speaking was so male, and so just in love with the psychiatry of it all, the Jung of it all. There was nothing soulful or human about this book. Next on my list is Sharon Blackie's "Hagitude: Reimagining the Second Half of Life" (https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6...). Blackie is also a Jungian, but is also deeply immersed in story and folklore and archetype, which arises from the people, not just the psychologists. I fully anticipate the opposite of Hollis, and something much more meaningful as well as much more fun! Skip this wind bag!
October 21, 2012
Hollis is a Jungian analyst and scholar who has written an accessible book about the second part of life - after career goals have been met (or not), after children have been raised, when you are asking yourself, "Now what?". I have always been intrigued by the work of CJ Jung but I found the language to be so very foreign to me. Hollis's presentation is more concrete and the language that he uses resonates with me. To be honest, his writing made me feel okay about the current state of confusion in which I find myself . At one point fairly early on, he suggests that the internal struggle at midlife (if you are conscious of it) is in no way narcissistic - that was good to read b/c I ws getting on my own case for even wondering about the Peggy Lee quesiton: "Is that all there is?" --
I highly recommend this book to people who find themselves wondering why life doesn't appear to be working for them when they believe they have followed all the rules but something is still missing.
I highly recommend this book to people who find themselves wondering why life doesn't appear to be working for them when they believe they have followed all the rules but something is still missing.
June 17, 2013
Nothing eye-opening here. Unfortunately this reads as many Jungian psychologist books do. It's a nod to Jung while at the same time written like a self-help book. There are many other books which echo the good advice in this book but go even further by providing concrete scientific examples. Many of the positive psychology books such as Martin Seligman's Positive Psychology and Corey Keyes' Flourishing provide useful information in a more worthwhile package.
January 8, 2023
This was a fantastic look into the psyche. I got a lot out of it. It's much more than just a checklist of how to be happy. Hollis really encourages you to look into yourself and discover how you can find meaning in your life. I read this a bit early, I don't think I'm quite up to the second half (hopefully). But I think it could be read by anyone.
Hollis's prose gets a bit too flowery at times, he likes his poets and philosophers. It's fine, but can distract from the message. I would have appreciated a summary at the end of each chapter that states things in more plain english.
Hollis's prose gets a bit too flowery at times, he likes his poets and philosophers. It's fine, but can distract from the message. I would have appreciated a summary at the end of each chapter that states things in more plain english.
March 8, 2019
absolute must read
January 1, 2025
This was not an easy read. Hollis, while he does make thought provoking points, is not a good writer. He repeats himself - a lot! - to the point that I would have to double check I had opened the book at the correct page. I’m talking entire paragraphs repeated. Maybe he thought no one would notice? Or is there a method to the madness? Maybe he meant to repeat parts in order to show their importance? Because the book certainly didn’t need padding; it was quite dense and long.
Hollis is an old school Jungian. I am not that knowledgeable about the teachings of Jung. I do find parts of his works intriguing. Hollis assumes a basic level of knowledge about Jung that the reader will have that I do not have. Several times I had to google what Jungian belief he was referencing in order to understand the point being made.
Soul is our intuited sense of our own depth, our deepest-running, purposeful energy, our longing for meaning, and our participation in something much greater than ordinary consciousness can grasp.
Hollis is all about the soul and how modern culture ignores it in order to feed egos. And by soul he is not referring to following any man made religion. He is actually fairly cranky about how religions tend to lead their followers away from the soul. He is evenly cranky; he also dislikes how science is too focused on what is observable. Spirituality is the word he lands on, to describe humans search for meaning, for understanding the great mystery of life.
Mature spirituality doesn’t lead to answers but to larger questions
Don’t confuse your spirit’s longing for largeness with organized religion.
We need the experience of the transcendent.
Mysteries are not knowably directly. If they were knowable then they wouldn’t be mysteries.
I think my favorite parts of the book were all the questions Hollis says we should ask ourselves. He does not provide the answers since they will be different for each of us. This is the opposite of self help books that tell the reader exactly what to do. The title of this book is disingenuous. Hollis is not going to tell the reader the secret to how to finally, really grow up. He thinks each person must figure it out on their own. He gives the reader questions to ponder and try and answer. He gives broad notions for the reader to parse themselves. I could not read more than a few pages at a time, there was so much food for thought.
Here are a few of the many many questions you should ask yourself and contemplate:
Where has life stuck you/fixated you/caused you to circle back and back upon this wounding so it defines you and limits your possibilities> Why do you continue to cooperate with this wound?
Where has life blessed you/gifted you? What have you done with this? Have you accepted the responsibilities that go with it?
Where do you need to grow up? When will this happen?
Where were your parents stuck? Where has that shown up in your life? Are you repeating their lives? Their patterns? Are you overcoming them by compensating in some way?
What has supported your reality? Constricted it? What gods, family, social environment, social forces?
What messages did your family of origin give you? What lessons about the self? What lessons about others and the transactions between them?
How can you find meaning in suffering?
How do you understand death?
By what values do we make difficult choices?
So yeah, not a light breezy read. No one is telling you the ten easy steps to contentment. The onus is on you. You need to change. You need to grow. It’s easier to be seduced by outside forces than it is to assume responsibility for your own life. In the second half of our life it is time to recover our personal authority. Stop blaming others for your life. And stop looking for answers outside your soul.
We cannot ask the external world or another person to meet our deepest needs and give us a sense of personal worth. We alone are responsible for our choices and for the experiences in our life.
One has to have separated from the parents long enough to be in the world, to make choices, to see what works, what does not, and to experience the collapse, or at least erosion, of one's projections. By middle age, the ego strength necessary for self-examination may have reached a level where it can reflect upon itself and critique itself
Most of us live our lives backing into our future, making the choices of each new moment from the data and agenda of the old -and then we wonder why repetitive patterns turn up in our lives. Is it not self-deluding, then, to keep doing the same thing but expecting different results? We unwittingly become the enemies of our own growth, our own largeness of soul, through our repetitive, history-bound choices.
These truths include the recognition that this is our life, not someone else's, that after our thirtieth birthday we alone are responsible for how it turns out, that we are here but a fleeting instant in the spinning shuttle of eternity, and that there is a titanic struggle going on within each of us for the sovereignty of the soul.
Hollis is an old school Jungian. I am not that knowledgeable about the teachings of Jung. I do find parts of his works intriguing. Hollis assumes a basic level of knowledge about Jung that the reader will have that I do not have. Several times I had to google what Jungian belief he was referencing in order to understand the point being made.
Soul is our intuited sense of our own depth, our deepest-running, purposeful energy, our longing for meaning, and our participation in something much greater than ordinary consciousness can grasp.
Hollis is all about the soul and how modern culture ignores it in order to feed egos. And by soul he is not referring to following any man made religion. He is actually fairly cranky about how religions tend to lead their followers away from the soul. He is evenly cranky; he also dislikes how science is too focused on what is observable. Spirituality is the word he lands on, to describe humans search for meaning, for understanding the great mystery of life.
Mature spirituality doesn’t lead to answers but to larger questions
Don’t confuse your spirit’s longing for largeness with organized religion.
We need the experience of the transcendent.
Mysteries are not knowably directly. If they were knowable then they wouldn’t be mysteries.
I think my favorite parts of the book were all the questions Hollis says we should ask ourselves. He does not provide the answers since they will be different for each of us. This is the opposite of self help books that tell the reader exactly what to do. The title of this book is disingenuous. Hollis is not going to tell the reader the secret to how to finally, really grow up. He thinks each person must figure it out on their own. He gives the reader questions to ponder and try and answer. He gives broad notions for the reader to parse themselves. I could not read more than a few pages at a time, there was so much food for thought.
Here are a few of the many many questions you should ask yourself and contemplate:
Where has life stuck you/fixated you/caused you to circle back and back upon this wounding so it defines you and limits your possibilities> Why do you continue to cooperate with this wound?
Where has life blessed you/gifted you? What have you done with this? Have you accepted the responsibilities that go with it?
Where do you need to grow up? When will this happen?
Where were your parents stuck? Where has that shown up in your life? Are you repeating their lives? Their patterns? Are you overcoming them by compensating in some way?
What has supported your reality? Constricted it? What gods, family, social environment, social forces?
What messages did your family of origin give you? What lessons about the self? What lessons about others and the transactions between them?
How can you find meaning in suffering?
How do you understand death?
By what values do we make difficult choices?
So yeah, not a light breezy read. No one is telling you the ten easy steps to contentment. The onus is on you. You need to change. You need to grow. It’s easier to be seduced by outside forces than it is to assume responsibility for your own life. In the second half of our life it is time to recover our personal authority. Stop blaming others for your life. And stop looking for answers outside your soul.
We cannot ask the external world or another person to meet our deepest needs and give us a sense of personal worth. We alone are responsible for our choices and for the experiences in our life.
One has to have separated from the parents long enough to be in the world, to make choices, to see what works, what does not, and to experience the collapse, or at least erosion, of one's projections. By middle age, the ego strength necessary for self-examination may have reached a level where it can reflect upon itself and critique itself
Most of us live our lives backing into our future, making the choices of each new moment from the data and agenda of the old -and then we wonder why repetitive patterns turn up in our lives. Is it not self-deluding, then, to keep doing the same thing but expecting different results? We unwittingly become the enemies of our own growth, our own largeness of soul, through our repetitive, history-bound choices.
These truths include the recognition that this is our life, not someone else's, that after our thirtieth birthday we alone are responsible for how it turns out, that we are here but a fleeting instant in the spinning shuttle of eternity, and that there is a titanic struggle going on within each of us for the sovereignty of the soul.
September 4, 2025
Maybe it was too early for me to read this book, but I enjoyed reading a lot. Not sure that I understood everything as sometimes it more resembles some philosophical thought rather than psychological. But what is the difference?
Not a quick read. Sometimes I read just one page, or one paragraph. I reread a lot as while I was reading lots of thoughts were evoked and I stoped noticing what I am reading about. Never read so slowly and thought so deeply while reading.
The author covers the topics of meaning, soul, anxiety, depression. How one may found themselves in the place where they are unhappy even if they do everything „right”? And more importantly, the author provides the answers, hints and steps what to do in order to find the meaning in your life. No magic pills though, you will need to do this yourself and through the suffering.
I think it definitely worth reading. But for sure not earlier than when you are thirty at least.
However I wish I knew these concepts and started thinking earlier about them in my life. But all has its timing. You can’t process something quicker than you are capable.
Not a quick read. Sometimes I read just one page, or one paragraph. I reread a lot as while I was reading lots of thoughts were evoked and I stoped noticing what I am reading about. Never read so slowly and thought so deeply while reading.
The author covers the topics of meaning, soul, anxiety, depression. How one may found themselves in the place where they are unhappy even if they do everything „right”? And more importantly, the author provides the answers, hints and steps what to do in order to find the meaning in your life. No magic pills though, you will need to do this yourself and through the suffering.
I think it definitely worth reading. But for sure not earlier than when you are thirty at least.
However I wish I knew these concepts and started thinking earlier about them in my life. But all has its timing. You can’t process something quicker than you are capable.
August 1, 2016
I have no idea how I found my way to James Hollis but I am so glad that I did. For a while now (years) I have found myself asking the questions "what does it all mean?", "what's the point?" "are we just random cells assembled in a random universe?", but I had not voiced these questions to anyone except my husband. Let's be fair, not easy questions to grapple with. However, this book does just that. If I said that it provided answers, I'd be lying but what I can say is that it offers a framework for finding meaning beyond our experiences of being a material form in a material age.
James Hollis is a Jungian analyst and he brings his theoretical, experiential and practice based understanding of Jung's work to the book. Over the years I have been tempted by Jung but have never been able to find his theories accessible to me on a personal level. For the first time I am now intrigued by how Jung understood the world and how that understanding might enrich lives. Not enrich in the popular culture sense (money, success, career, possessions, status. romance) but enrich in the sense of personal growth in the face of what life throws at us and how to recognise how our unconscious predisposes us to act in certain ways.
Jung's theory asks us to see ouselves as spiritual beings. This is a tall order for me but one which I might explore.
I would not consider this a self-help book. Hollis is not your common or garden positive psychologist suggesting that happiness can be achieved by thinking along the right lines. In fact, happiness is bypassed in favour of finding meaning. The search in life, is one for meaning not happiness. And, as life can be an absolute bitch to many of us it seems a much more universal approach to being human. As Jung said "Meaning makes a great many things endurable - perhaps everything."
James Hollis is a Jungian analyst and he brings his theoretical, experiential and practice based understanding of Jung's work to the book. Over the years I have been tempted by Jung but have never been able to find his theories accessible to me on a personal level. For the first time I am now intrigued by how Jung understood the world and how that understanding might enrich lives. Not enrich in the popular culture sense (money, success, career, possessions, status. romance) but enrich in the sense of personal growth in the face of what life throws at us and how to recognise how our unconscious predisposes us to act in certain ways.
Jung's theory asks us to see ouselves as spiritual beings. This is a tall order for me but one which I might explore.
I would not consider this a self-help book. Hollis is not your common or garden positive psychologist suggesting that happiness can be achieved by thinking along the right lines. In fact, happiness is bypassed in favour of finding meaning. The search in life, is one for meaning not happiness. And, as life can be an absolute bitch to many of us it seems a much more universal approach to being human. As Jung said "Meaning makes a great many things endurable - perhaps everything."
March 26, 2021
james hollis benim hayatıma hep doğru zamanda girmiş bir yazar, 30'larımda da öyleydi 40'larımda da öyle oluyor. bu kitabı hayatın genel bir muhasebesine itiyor bizi, nerelerde takıldık, sıkıştık, ilerledik gibi sorular yöneltiyor bize. hayatın çeşitli vechelerini hollis'le birlikte inceliyoruz, bir yandan hollis'le bir yandan kendimizle söyleşiyoruz aslında. benim tabii en çok önemsediğim bölümler 8 ve 9.bölümler oldu. çünkü bu bölümlerde kutsallığından, gizeminden koparılmış modern hayatımızdan ruhumuzun gizli gündemine -o la la!- nasıl döneceğimizle ilgili ipuçları da var. bu bölümler tasavvufla iç içe. kitapta çok sayıda mevlana göndermesi de var o da güzel. kitabın asıl önermesi şu sanırım: egonun istedikleriyle hayatını boşa harcıyorsun, zaten o yüzden mutsuzsun. bunu fark et ve sana ezelden beridir çağrıda bulunan Ruhunun peşinden git cânım efendim. zor bir yolculuk bu ama senin yapman murad edilen yolculuk başından beri buydu zaten. bir merdiveni habire çıkıyorsun ama o merdiven egonun duvarına dayanmış, oysa senin Ruhun duvarına tırmanıp sonsuz olasılıkları görmen gerekiyordu.
April 14, 2024
I am sure this book has its audience, but I had trouble connecting with it. If I had read this in the 1990s, I think it would have worked better for me. It has a lot of Jung / archetype theory underpinning it's outlook, but I connect more with mindfulness now.
December 15, 2021
OK Boomer
January 11, 2024
A powerhouse of a book so full of insight into the human mind, heart and soul! Good enough to own and re-read.
September 18, 2022
Érdekes a viszonyom ehhez a könyvhöz, ugyanis a bevezetőben és egyben összegzésben olvashattam azt a néhány mondatot, ami fontos volt számomra, sokat is segített. A többi nagyrészt számomra blabla. A feléig olvastam el rendesen, utána csak átfutottam.
A projektálós résznél megint csikorgattam a fogam, erre a témára ugrom. Hosszú oldalakon keresztül boncolgatja, kb. hibaként rója fel, hogy a kapcsolatainkban projektálunk és nem biztos, hogy megfelelőn kapcsolódunk és viszonyulunk másokhoz. Szerintem meg nyilván projektálunk, mert létezünk. Aki létezik, annak van egy története és személyisége is akad... Számomra természetes, hogy ezeken keresztül viszonyulunk bárkihez és bármihez - ez az élet, ettől zajlik. Ez a feladat, hogy ezekkel a tarsolyunkban boldoguljunk valahogy. Ezen nyammogni....hát nem tudom. Persze vannak filozófiák, módszerek, amiknek célja, hogy ezektől megszabaduljunk, de nem várható el mindenkitől, hogy buddhista legyen, nem is kell.
Az viszont tetszett és kapcsolódik a projekcióhoz, hogy a modern társadalomban elvesztettük az istenekkel, a nem megfoghatóval a kapcsolatot és kivetítjük ilyen irányú tudat alatti igényeinket a biztonságot ígérő pénzre, csillogó tárgyakra, ideológiákra, politikai pártokra - félelmetes ezt tudatosítani.
"A helyes gondolkodás és az ésszerű magatartás meg viselkedés sem fogja kielégíteni a lelket." - ó, ezt de mennyire ismerem....😀
Az egész mondandó lényege, hogy ne hagyjuk befolyásolni magunkat semmilyen társadalmi, kulturális, vagy akár erkölcsi mítosz által, hanem kövessük a lelkünk szavát, találjuk meg saját személyes mítoszunkat, az lesz jó nekünk.
A projektálós résznél megint csikorgattam a fogam, erre a témára ugrom. Hosszú oldalakon keresztül boncolgatja, kb. hibaként rója fel, hogy a kapcsolatainkban projektálunk és nem biztos, hogy megfelelőn kapcsolódunk és viszonyulunk másokhoz. Szerintem meg nyilván projektálunk, mert létezünk. Aki létezik, annak van egy története és személyisége is akad... Számomra természetes, hogy ezeken keresztül viszonyulunk bárkihez és bármihez - ez az élet, ettől zajlik. Ez a feladat, hogy ezekkel a tarsolyunkban boldoguljunk valahogy. Ezen nyammogni....hát nem tudom. Persze vannak filozófiák, módszerek, amiknek célja, hogy ezektől megszabaduljunk, de nem várható el mindenkitől, hogy buddhista legyen, nem is kell.
Az viszont tetszett és kapcsolódik a projekcióhoz, hogy a modern társadalomban elvesztettük az istenekkel, a nem megfoghatóval a kapcsolatot és kivetítjük ilyen irányú tudat alatti igényeinket a biztonságot ígérő pénzre, csillogó tárgyakra, ideológiákra, politikai pártokra - félelmetes ezt tudatosítani.
"A helyes gondolkodás és az ésszerű magatartás meg viselkedés sem fogja kielégíteni a lelket." - ó, ezt de mennyire ismerem....😀
Az egész mondandó lényege, hogy ne hagyjuk befolyásolni magunkat semmilyen társadalmi, kulturális, vagy akár erkölcsi mítosz által, hanem kövessük a lelkünk szavát, találjuk meg saját személyes mítoszunkat, az lesz jó nekünk.
August 26, 2017
Very dense and psychological, full of lovely quotes and references. A lot of Jung. Good reminders that resonated deeply.
Notes:
"Daily confrontation with fear and lethargy"
Only boldness can deliver us from fear. And if the risk isn't taken, the meaning of life is somehow violated - Jung
Humbling wisdom and tragic sense of life
Wound of overwhelmment
Wound of insufficiency
Trauma of overwhelment leads to learned response of accommodation. We ignore our inner life
-learning to find ones truth requires suffering the anxiety aroused by acting in more consciously in integrity, and tolerating the assault of the anxiety driven "guilt" thereafter
- draw of old pattern of powerlessness
Insufficiency- respond by overcompensating. Will to power.
Breaking tyranny of addiction requires one to feel the pain that the addiction defends against
The ego wishes comfort, security, satiety; the soul demands meaning, struggle, becoming.
Greatest addictions of our time are television and food
Notes:
"Daily confrontation with fear and lethargy"
Only boldness can deliver us from fear. And if the risk isn't taken, the meaning of life is somehow violated - Jung
Humbling wisdom and tragic sense of life
Wound of overwhelmment
Wound of insufficiency
Trauma of overwhelment leads to learned response of accommodation. We ignore our inner life
-learning to find ones truth requires suffering the anxiety aroused by acting in more consciously in integrity, and tolerating the assault of the anxiety driven "guilt" thereafter
- draw of old pattern of powerlessness
Insufficiency- respond by overcompensating. Will to power.
Breaking tyranny of addiction requires one to feel the pain that the addiction defends against
The ego wishes comfort, security, satiety; the soul demands meaning, struggle, becoming.
Greatest addictions of our time are television and food
March 7, 2013
Sadly, this book didn't deliver what I thought it would. Granted, it offered some nuggets of wisdom here and there but after a very good introduction the book gave no great insight. There could have been some more substance to his material. This novel seemed like alot of "regurgitated" ideas that came from other books by the author and didn't deliver any true answers.
There are other self-improvement books out there that give more suggestions to readers than this one. I'm glad I only got this on loan from the library and didn't waste any money purchasing it.
There are other self-improvement books out there that give more suggestions to readers than this one. I'm glad I only got this on loan from the library and didn't waste any money purchasing it.
March 31, 2010
I cannot get enough of James Hollis. This Jungian analyst is a great teacher and healer. His books are readable and profoundly inpactful. One of Hollis's theses in this book is that young people spend the first half of their lives living out the unlived lives of their parents...WOW! Since historically we have not lived a long second half of life, midlife reflection invites us to imagine and create a few perfect decades for ourselves.
September 5, 2014
Examines the tendency to live the first half of one's life according to familial and societal expectations, resulting in unhappiness and ennui in middle age. Encourages readers to recognize their true selves and reorient their lives in a manner that gives them fulfillment and purpose. Not helpful if you have already thrown off those bondages.
Want to read
April 3, 2019Mentioned in Brené Brown’s book Rising Strong.
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