Feeding The Mouth That Bites You: A Complete Guide to Parenting Adolescents and Launching Them Into the World

by Kenneth Wilgus

There are times when parenting seems nothing more than feeding the mouth that bites you." - Peter De Vries Parenting teenagers can be hard. Maybe you already know that. The question is, does adolescence really need to be a frustrating time for parents and teenagers? If your child isn't a teenager yet, can you make preparations now to avoidmany of the pitfalls parents of adolescents go through? With so much information and differing viewpoints, how can a parent really know that they are "doing it right?" InFeeding The Mouth That Bites You, Dr. Ken Wilgus outlines a clear and practical path through the confusion of parenting adolescents in today's world. Engaging, accessible, and funny, Feeding The Mouth That Bites Yousummarizes Dr. Wilgus's best teachings on how to parent teenagers, collected over twenty-five years of work with adolescents and their families as well as two decades of teaching on parenting. Though trends and technology will always change, the adolescent need for autonomy remains the one foundational issue that is the largest obstacle to a healthy parent/teenager relationship. Feeding The Mouth That Bites You explains this need and the effect it has on a wide range of teenage behavior. Dr. Wilgus clearly outlines his method for safely and effectively meeting this need: Planned Emancipation. Once parents clearly understand adolescents' needs and know how to respond, parenting a teenager becomes much less frustrating.Even their teenagers join in to help out! Knowing what your teenager needs and being able to provide for that need is truly the art of Feeding The Mouth That Bites You.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Family, Christian, Audiobook, Christianity, Psychology

272 pages, Paperback

First published August 7, 2015

Reviews

[Bekah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was the exact right book at the exact same time. After wrestling to know how to respond to our burgeoning teenager over the last few months (how much “disrespect” do we tolerate? Do we allow him to skip the school dance when he refuses? Why is he rolling his eyes at me when I ask him what he wants for breakfast?), we happened upon the work of Dr. Wilgus, and were immediately pulled into his teenager parenting philosophy - namely that teenagers are no longer children, but young adults who need to stop being treated like they have been for their first 13 years of life and ease into full adulthood through a system of “planned emancipation.”

This book covers a basic strategy for this along with tips for how to communicate with teens, special issues like sex, drugs, and screens, and overall hope that everything is going to be just fine (even if they make some first-class mistakes). Dr. Wilgus is a Christian from an Anglican background making him a trustworthy source for us as well.

He also features on a podcast by the same name of his book which allows for an even deeper dive into some of these issues. I’d highly recommend reading the book, but intend to sprinkle the podcast in on occasion when I find myself wrestling with these issues again (because teenagers gonna teen.)

[Ashley Wells · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book brought me a really different perspective than most books I’ve read on parenting. At first, I was very turned off by the phrase “planned emancipation,” which the author uses repeatedly throughout the entire book. However, I grew to be more comfortable with the phrasing as the book went on. It just felt almost shocking at first.

I was very drawn, though, to this whole idea of expanding your kid’s freedom in a very measurable and structured way as your child approaches their 18th birthday. I really wish I had read this book years ago when I first heard about it!

It wasn’t all just theory, though! There were a lot of practical examples around every corner, and even digital resources available since I read it on audiobook. However, I have since bought the print book as well!

[Jonathan Roberts · Rating 5 out of 5]

My wife read this book first and we started implementing the strategies before I got to the book. And at first I was a little skeptical but as I saw the changes in my kids and the backed them up with the book I was more and more impressed. Good stuff

[Stasi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book synthesizes the approaches of several parenting books I've loved (Love & Logic, Untangled, How to Raise an Adult) into a simple, easy-to-implement system. It's heavy on practical advice over theory, and you finish the book knowing exactly how to proceed. It makes so much sense to me, and I've already felt a shift in my relationship with my 13 year old.
There's a wonderful podcast that goes along with the book, so you can "try before you buy" (I listened to maybe 30-40 episodes before deciding that yep, I'm really on board).
Now, I don't unequivocally agree with Dr. Wilgus on everything: I'm not a big fan of "I own all my kids' stuff" (I believe that a gift is a gift, not a loan), and I won't always implement his style of consequences (though on the podcast he gives lots of ideas and many of them work well for us, especially taking away screen time!).
This book is written from a Christian point of view and while it is not heavy-handed or religious, the author's bias occasionally shows through. I don't find it problematic to skip past the parts that don't jive with my belief system.
A warning to fellow nurturing parents: you will experience some grief when you read this book. It becomes very clear just how important it is to let your kid go to become a separate adult. As much as I wholeheartedly agree that I need to be preparing my kid to leave me and not need me, boy is it ever heartbreaking! This book constantly reminds you that childhood is over at 13, and it's time to move forward into a new relationship. Hard to hear, but so necessary. If you cry while you read it, you're not alone!

[Christy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book for parents of teens. I first heard the author, Kenneth Wilgus, when he spoke at our school when my kids were in 3rd and 5th grade, so not quite in his target age bracket. I bought the book, intending to read it in a year or two as my kids neared adolescence and I forgot about it. That was a mistake.

I appreciate Dr. Wilgus's method of approaching the teen years as a time of "Planned Emancipation". We are training our kids and preparing them for the time when they leave the house. There are certain freedoms that we need to give them starting with letting them have autonomy over how they keep their room and the music they listen to at about age 13 through having no curfew and freedom to date whomever they want the summer before they go to college. It seems a bit scary to give kids freedoms but it shows our kids that we trust them and we want them to make small mistakes while still under our roof rather than have their first taste of freedom the first night we drop them off at their dorms.

Dr. Wilgus is a Christian and that is sometimes mentioned in the book but he does an excellent job of writing in a way that applies to people of faith or not so this book would be well received by any parent of a teen. I highly recommend it.

By the way, he also has a weekly podcast of the same name and it is a great weekly refresher of the concepts in the book.

[Matt Dillard · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was really fantastic. Maybe I would feel the same about most "help! I have a teenager!" books, since this is the first I've read, but Dr. Wilgus did an excellent job of keeping the goal forefront: raise adolescents into independent and autonomous adults by the time they leave the house.

He dubs the approach "Planned Emancipation". We saw almost instant success in a few areas. We have turned over to our son the responsibilities of taking care of his room and his hygiene. This includes doing his own laundry, setting his own bath schedules, etc. No more fights, and he is happy to own it.

One other nice outcome of reading this book is the mirror it puts in front of me. I know how to raise children; I have done that for years. I was rather on autopilot. Things have changed, though. What worked a year ago suddenly ... doesn't. I have to turn on my brain again, and recognize when I am infantilizing my teenager, even unintentionally.

My wife and I have recommended the book to several friends already, and we will continue to do so.

[Colleen · Rating 5 out of 5]

THIS IS A MUST READ IF YOU HAVE TEENS/TWEENS!

So much of this already made sense to me but I just didn’t know how to implement everything. Dr. Wilgus gives tangible, realistic, solutions on how to set boundaries, reasonable limits &consequences, puts in a way that’s easy to understand &implement. LOVED this book!

[Alenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best parenting book ever, because it clearly defines the difference between the raising/nurturing of children and the guiding (but progressively letting go of the reins) of teens. It is hard to give adults-in-training the freedom to fail, especially when we feel like we can step in and fix things so they don’t have to fail at all. I wish I’d read this book years ago, and I know I’ll be reading it again in the future, but it also made me realize that it is not too late to learn how to lovingly let go.

[Erika · Rating 5 out of 5]

Owners manual for teenagers. Practical, useful, reasonable advice that can be implemented in a low-key, authentic way.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This approach to parenting terms into successful adults makes so much sense. We'll be working on our freedoms list!

[Joan Nehls · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of great parenting advice once you stop cringing at all the religious references. At least only portions of the book are peppered with those.

[Carlee Neumann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super helpful insights. Best parenting book for teens that I’ve read.

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super helpful positive parenting guide for parents of tweens and teens that discusses progressive emancipation with practical examples.

[Tracy · Rating 4 out of 5]

There was a lot of good stuff in this book, and I'm grateful for it. This particular author/clinician cuts to the chase, which is helpful. He also has good examples. A few parts held a different viewpoint than I do... He relies on fairly rigid gender stereotypes, for example with father-daughter/mother-son relationships, and in a few other ways. Those parts I took with a huge grain of salt. Nevertheless, I'm glad I read this book and found it full of helpful ideas in many places, and food for thought in others. He's pretty candid about his Christian background, but I didn't feel that the book was only for Christians.

[Karla Osorno · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rating 5 stars!!!

I want to put this book in the hands of all parents of adolescents. Listening to the podcast by the same name was my first introduction to Kenneth Wilgus and planned emancipation. Quickly, I realized that philosophically I 100% agreed with his theories (and evidence as a father and practicing psychologist). I would have said I was parenting consistently with my beliefs and faith. I was not. Fear and control reigned. And using “child parenting” techniques were proving less effective by the day.

This book and podcast episodes have shifted the conversations and relationships my husband I have with our teen. Just like the author says, our influence and communication are increasing. The principles, examples, and guidance are empowering to parents, honoring to adults-in-training, and a gift to society.

[Laura Icardi · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this approach to parenting adolescents really refreshing. He put voice to some feelings I’ve had, but wasn’t sure how to articulate or even whether I was “right” or not. His tone can be a little off-putting at times, as he sounds a little arrogant. Other times, it seems he is advocating for passive-aggressive language, and as a Christian author, I think he missed an opportunity to identify that our teenage kids are our neighbor, in the biblical sense. So there is another category for influence in your teen’s life that I think he ignored. BUT the tips and ideas and overall concept he shared was really helpful. I handed the book to my husband right away and plan on implementing some of his ideas with our daughter.

[Cat DeArville · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quick read

I would recommend this book for all parents. I love his analogy of the teen as a country with areas (music, friends, education, etc.) where I have control but also need to let go of control. I need to work myself out of a job...and get my police out off his territory.... Practical advice. "At your age..." I will also look to apply this as I teach high school and help with the youth group at my local church.

[Natalie Hixson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finally a handbook for parenting teenagers!!! I am so thankful for this book and I am so excited about the changes I am experiencing. We’ve hardly just begun the process of planned emancipation with our kids and already I feel more peace within my heart. My kids are certainly showing positive signs but it’s me who is letting go and able to parent from a place of peace not fear. Thank you Dr Ken!! Also loving the podcast as it is a great supplement to this book!!

[Sarah Pascual · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is my new go-to book on parenting adolescents. After reading it, Jonathan and I made some significant changes to our parenting structure for our teens. The key idea is that the goal for teens is no longer for them to learn obedience (like it is with younger children) but for them to learn personal responsibility so that they can live and make decisions independently by adulthood. Soooooo good.

[Tammy Schmidt · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is by far the best parenting book that I’ve ever read. The concepts are easy to understand and just make sense. The validation I get in the Parents chapter has been a game changer in my own mindset. I’d love to connect with other parents utilizing the methods in this book. Just to bounce ideas and such.

[Lisa Shepard · Rating 5 out of 5]

tears in my eyes as I finish this book…

I don’t know where to begin. Just that I cruised through this book in a matter of days. Bought it on audible and kindle so I could swap between listening when in the car and reading later on. And I devoured it. We have already worked towards many of the concepts in the book (basically… our job is to raise adults… not keep our kids as children).
I love that this helps me have so much foundation for the why… and also does a lot to help with the how. Can’t wait for my husband to read this and for us to figure out where we take it from here. But I feel like my parenting brain has been equipped and educated and inspired and infused. Our kiddo is 15… and it seems like this book would be ideal to read before 13… but because we have been trying to move more into a “coaching” role over the last couple years, we aren’t TOO far behind. And yet… there are definitely some examples of “parenting don’ts” that we have thoroughly excelled at! 😂😂

Time to go re-read some sections, implement what we need to, and then trust in God that He has our little family in the palm of His hands!

[Nicole Traeger · Rating 5 out of 5]

Compelling summary of what adolescents need

I already parent my 2 adolescents with some of these principles: namely that parents of teenagers must shift their focus to mostly coaching and counseling and doling out consequences when their young adult doesn’t do minimum required things. But it helped me see some areas where i could do this more in order to keep a good relationship and actually have my teens start thinking more for themselves!

Bedtime (or lights out time) and how they keep their room is recommended to be given over to their responsibility rather early (since consequences are not life and death) and i did see butting heads cut back big time. And have even seen them decide many times to go to bed early (which i had never seen them decide before when it was me “in control”)!

If there’s any “con” its that it’s very one dimensional, glossing over ALL problems teens have as individuation needs. I do not agree- but it IS a bog one and so i heartily recommend it as reading.

[Paige K · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was introduced to Dr Wilgus through a podcast by Focus on the Family. I went to their website, gave a donation, and ordered the book. Dr Wilgus gives a logical, step-by-step guide to making a plan for your adolescent to launch them into adulthood immediately after they are finished with high school. (This is a generality. Adjust if needed.) It helps the adolescent with the answer to "when will I be free and when will you see me as an adult?" The approach opens up the communication a lot, if your adolescent is closed off and not speaking. It empowers you by helping you with a plan to show them what freedoms they have (with boundaries!) and provide them more and more freedoms as they get older. The key phrase I have learned is "at your age..." 😉 I'm eager to really get going with the plan.

[Jenae · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had never thought about the fact that the concept of the teenage years is a modern invention. Over 100 years ago, adolescents around the age of 12 or 13 began to work alongside their parents, or in some type of apprenticeship and were on their way to to having the responsibilities of an adult. This book was a very interesting and informative take on parenting teenagers to launch into the world. For a nurturing mom like me (which he talks about in the book), I know implementing the “planned emancipation” flies in the face of my natural desire to protect, but this method as laid out in the book makes so much sense when thinking about the difficulty so many young adults have launching into adulthood.

[Rachel P · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic book for parenting teens

A lot of great, practical ideas and - most importantly - reasons behind them. While I didn't agree with everything, I think the book lays out a common parental goal (teen responsibility) and the ways to (and not to) get there.

It also validated that as mad as my teen gets at me about *any* consequences and expectations, the ones we have are totally fair. So that was a nice pat on the back haha. This has been incredibly emotionally helpful when I sometimes feel we're in a cuckoo world where some parents seem to let their kids literally do anything with no expectations nor consequences.... and not surprisingly, the kids are not exactly blossoming as a result.

[Carrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. This is probably THE best teen parenting book I've read! It had really concrete instructions to follow, advice, example situations and covers a VAST amount of topics most parents need guidance with while parenting during these turbulent and unpredictable teen years. The author is a teacher and counselor to teens and their parents and is a parent himself, which makes him even more credible. I like that he is a Christian and instills some guidance in that area in the book. (Even if you aren't a Christian, this book will help you a lot!) This book will help you to parent your teen so that by the time they reach adulthood, they will be well rounded and independent.

[Christina · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is super helpful on determining a plan for emancipating your teenager with a game plan for progressive freedoms from ages 13-18. The goal is to have a completely independent adult by the time they leave for college. I appreciate the practical examples and advice in this book. There are also lots of tips on improving communication. This is not a "Christian" book but I appreciated the chapter on faith. The author's style of writing and bluntness was even humorous at times. Highly recommend for parents of teens.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

It feels like there aren’t many resources for how to parent teens so I was grateful to find this one. The author advocates for ‘planned emancipation’ meaning gradually giving more and more freedoms from ages 14-18 so that once your child graduates they are capable to live as an adult. I really like much of what he says and we plan on implementing many of these. We have already seen less conflict with our teens which is great!

[Erin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought this book was pretty good. It had some good ideas and I took pictures of the charts throughout. I had seen this recommended on a bloggers page and figured it couldn’t hurt to read since I do have kids who are 13 and 11. As with any book, I feel like a lot of it should be taken in and adapted, depending on the personality of your child. There were some ideas here I feel would apply better to my son than my daughter or vice versa. Overall pretty good to read.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Can't recommend strongly enough. Read when oldest child is 8 or so; and also listen to the podcast!! A great, effective, well-thought out path to independence that aligns with Christian parenting but doesn't require or assume a faith-based parenting approach. The book is the best overall review, but the podcast is responsive to current events. Author and podcasters based in TX.