Unmarried to Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple

by Dorian Solot, Marshall Miller

Unmarried to Each Other is a smart, practical guide for unmarried couples, based on the more than 100 stories and real-life experiences of unmarried partners around the country. This book was written by a couple who, themselves, are in a committed nine-year unmarried relationship. For people who are unmarried now or forever, the book is filled with information about the joys and the common challenges to love without wedding rings, including answers to questions like: Is living together right for us? How can we explain our relationship to our grandmothers? How can I get my workplace to provide health benefits to my domestic partner? Are there problems for couples who have kids without being married? How can we plan a wedding or ceremony without getting legally married? Filled with dozens of funny, real-life stories and savvy insights, Unmarried to Each Other is the definitive resource for couples bound by love, if not by marriage, for one of the fastest-growing household types in the U.S. today.

Genres: Nonfiction, Relationships, Marriage

302 pages, Paperback

First published November 13, 2002

Reviews

[Naomi · Rating 5 out of 5]

7/11/08: So far I have learned that my boyfriend and I are Escapist Cohabitors and Situational Cohabitors. While neither of these may be "ideal," I have also learned (perhaps from reading this book, more realistically from living it) that few people have "ideal" lives. We are creating our own family life and what works best for us, which is in my mind what matters most on this subject.

I love the title of this book. It was a gift from my friend Anya a few years ago and I just now have finally picked it up. It is really well written/holds my attention and it has a lot of good information in it. I'm looking forward to the chapter on what we should call each other.

Why is there such a societal "need" for people to get married? I don't know why it is SUCH A BIG DEAL. Why can't we leave well enough alone when we know in our hearts that we are already married to each other in the ways that matter.

I have also learned that I am an "unmarried stepparent" which I like. I already think of myself as a stepparent to Mike's kids, in that I'm an adult role model in their lives and therefore responsible for how my behavior affects them.

7/27/08 - I just read an interesting excerpt and interviews revolving around why people don't get married (whether it's "yet" or "ever"), and it has resulted in me not sure about this engagement thing my boyfriend/fiance/partner/main guy in my life and I have going on. I can see myself falling into "typical wife roles" and being unable to fill them properly feel that my marriage is failing, thus dooming my marriage to actually fail. We have our reasons for not yet getting married, and I do feel like the only reason we are getting so much pressure to get married from "well-meaning" family members is because we are living together. In my book, that is not a good enough reason to get married! The relationship is completely between my partner and me, and whether or not we get married, only the two of us have to deal with our relationship! So how is it fair for family members to pressure us? It's not.

A quote I read that I really love (and is presented as a joke, but still) is "the number one cause of divorce is marriage." Very good point!

I shall continue to read.

7/28/08 - UPDATE: I am in love with this book. Unmarried love. But committed, nonetheless. Not only is it incredibly readable, quite a page-turner, which for me rarely happens with nonfiction (though it does happen, and I am getting better as I press on reading what I feel will be worthwhile books); but it is also exceptionally informative (with sources and everything! not just someone's fluffy opinion), and has already taught me so many new things I didn't previously consider that could be really attractive alternatives to marriage for my partner and me.

Also, currently I have decided to refer to him as my "sambro," which is Swedish for "partner I live with" (specifically, sam means partner, and bo means to live with, awesome, right?).

My absolute favorite part so far, that made me laugh out loud and almost call my sister to read it to her (a successful unmarried herself who deserves much props for knowing what is truly important in life and in her relationship) is the following:

(This is what to say in response to the old adage that "He won't buy the cow if you give away the milk for free.")

"Point out that humans are not cattle. 'Mom, I'm not a cow,' ought to suffice." (from page 78)

Another helpful gem in regards to "How to Respond to Living in Sin Arguments":
"Help others to respect your decision."
If that doesn't work, "Agree to disagree."
"Live the kind of 'family values' that matter."
"Create your own family...an 'intentional family.'"
"Find a supportive faith community." (If you want religion to be a part of your life and being unmarried is the best option for you, there are plenty of faith-based communities that will be supportive of your choices.)

Oh, also, as I have continued to read, I have discovered that I don't have to worry so much about "traditional wife/husband roles" if my partner and I establish habits that work well for us now, they can easily carry over into a marriage, if and when a marriage becomes a part of our lives.

Also, we should have had a party when we moved in together. They do that in Canada - have newlycohabits celebrations. Pretty awesome, huh? Well, we can still do that, maybe when we move into a house later in the year/early next year. We'll have a housewarming/newlycohabits party.

Seriously, read this book. I highly recommend it.

[Roger Bailey · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good deal of this book concentrates on how to handle other peoples attitudes to your cohabitation while it seems to me that the best way to handle it is to just bear in mind that it is none of their business. If someone else disapproves then that is their problem. Other parts of the book delve into things that seem irrelevant to an unmarried relationship such as how to compromise and get along. I don't know why this is in a book on domestic partnership when it could all apply just as equally to married couples.
The most useful parts, though, concern legal ramifications and I am not so sure that it is all that useful to all unmarried couples. The main advantage to domestic partnership over marriage that I have always seen is that it is just a lot less hassle to live together without marriage. By that I mean that if the relationship doesn't work out it is a lot easier to get out of it than it is to get out of a marriage. That is, one or the other of the couple just moves out and there is no need to worry about making one's way through a divorce. This book, however, advises taking on a lot of legal entanglements like wills, power of attorney and so forth and so forth to make the relationship as much like a marriage as possible without getting that one particular legal document, a marriage license. It seems to me that if you are going to go to all that hassle you may as well get married and take care of all the legal documentation in one fell swoop. Then, again, there is the getting out of it if it does not work out. A divorce can be a real hassle in itself even if an amicable divorce is gotten, but it is a lot more of a hassle if the divorce is not amicable. I am not sure that a divorce is any more trouble than having to undo all those legal papers and agreements one by one that this book advises.
A number of reasons that a couple might want to maintain a domestic partnership over a marriage are offered here, some rather spurious and some more practical and serious, but I can't help thinking that the authors kind of miss some of the most important reasons. I will give it three stars because the legal advice is bound to be useful to some people who are interested in the matters that legal advice covers. It stands to be outdated pretty quickly, though, because laws are always changing and the mere fact that gay marriage is becoming legal in state after state while this book assumes that it is not legal anywhere is an example of how it is already becoming outdated. However, as far as I can tell, the legal advice is accurate as of the time of publication at least.

[Nicole · Rating 3 out of 5]

It is good that this book exists. While it isn't perfect, I'm not sure a book of this type can be. It is similar to other books that come first to explain some sort of "alternative" way of life. It both seeks to explain, affirm, and guide. This book does a good job of explaining - I hadn't appreciated the breadth of reasons people have to not get married. I thought the affirmation was nice as well - to hear stories of people who are in similar (or not) relationships. Finally, the guiding aspect is ok. There is a chapter on general legal considerations, another on children, and a bit of general communication and relationship advice. There is no magic bullets, so the book cannot provide them.

There were a few notable weaknesses. It felt like the authors went to great lengths to assure the readers that marriage was not dead and that being "unmarried" was not a liberal thing. Most of the couples they covered were opposite sex, and while poly relationships were mentioned, a reader could easily miss it. At the same time, the authors (being founders of a group who advocate for unmarried couples' rights) had many passages talking about activism and changing policies. Their message was "We are the same as married people!" when I'm more of a fan of "The whole system is stupid!". The same arguments happen in response to same-sex marriage - is it better to get 'equal' rights one small step at a time, or try to change the entire system.

[Cherie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was incredibly surprised by how different and useful this book is. When I picked it up, I figured there wouldn’t be much I could get from a book that’s nearly 20 years old, but there are so few books about unmarried cohabitation that I figured I could glean something from the pages that might not have been covered in the other books I’ve read. I was wrong, this whole book was soooo valuable!

I’ve read books about the legal and financial aspects of cohabitation, the logistics of moving in together, and the dynamics of the couple in a cohabitation environment. This book covers a little bit of all those, but mostly the social aspects of unmarried cohabitation. That is, your dynamics with others and how they view your relationship as an unmarried cohabiting couple.

It’s absolutely filled with stories and anecdotes of unmarried couples and how they’ve dealt with how similar and different their relationships are compared to married couples, their reasons for being unmarried, how they deal with the legal and financial aspects of their unmarried status, and most importantly (for me) how they handle all those awkward conversations and social situations that focus on their relationship.

Probably out of ALL the books I’ve read on cohabitation, this one is the most valuable on an emotional level. I think this book paired with “Money Without Matrimony” would make a well-rounded set for any couples that want to seriously dive into cohabitation.

[Alina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great manual on how to live and love together, whether you're planning to get married but not till down the road, can't get married, or don't want to get married.
This book gives legal, financial, sociological, and psychological advice on how to make it all work - from buying a house to cleaning up socks to having children - while co-existing as an unmarried couple. Great stuff.

[Zjourney · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had to take a break because I was having wedding nightmares... literally... Now I've finished - - (glad we're all sitting) - it has actually helped me start thinking about getting my mind around eventually marrying this man of mine someday. Yea - - I'll probably do it again... oh my (where is that brown paper hyperventilation bag???)

[Phobean · Rating 4 out of 5]

Was re-reading. Slowed down, stopped, and now I'm cheating on it by reading other books. Is this a troubled relationship?

[Virginia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Extremely informative and helpful. I was very relieved to find this book, it has great advice.

[Mitch · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book contains a lot of good information about laws, benefits, financial, and political aspects of various types of romantic partnerships including legal marriage. It includes some explanations of how U.S. laws handle marriage versus cohabitation, as well as comparisons to how it's handled in other countries.

According to HRC, "There are 1,138 benefits, rights and protections provided on the basis of marital status in Federal law."

As the book authors explain, "Legal experts point out that the marriage contract is the only contract most people sign without having any opportunity to read or modify its terms."

I understand devotion, loyalty, love, fun and respect. It's all the paperwork that confuses me - The legal and financial incentives and disincentives, wills, taxes, property, etc.

I am committed to my chosen partner, but I want to better understand all that would be involved if I make a decision to sign a contract involving an entity beside the two of us.

[Rosemary · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a pretty helpful book, but you need to pick and choose what chapters relate to your personal situation. For example, I don't plan on having children so I skipped the chapter about parenting as part of an unmarried couple. I also don't feel the need to justify or explain my relationship to anyone, so the chapter on helping family and friends understand that my relationship is just as committed as a married couples'relationship was not helpful. But the chapters on conflict resolution, legal right/challenges and domestic partnership benefits were really informative and let me know about a lot of things that I'll need to check into as I prepare to move in with my boyfriend.

[Julia Wingert]

Introspective and very informative, the authors unearth the common reasons people don't marry, what's at stake when remaining unmarried, addresses legal protections and social consequences. Quirky, at times comedic, and validating of alternative ways of perceiving partnership outside the institution of marriage. Useful for people who prefer to investigate options outside the norm, and for folks who want to do things their own way.

[Helena · Rating 3 out of 5]

I appreciated the succinct information, the cautious sections on monogamy being a choice and mentioning non-monogamous culture, the fun side notes, the reminders of how far we have come in the ability to define our relationships, and what we lost not all that long ago. I see this as a starter manual for the person just beginning to think outside the default american standard.

[Anita · Rating 3 out of 5]

A little dated, but useful information nonetheless. And great that someone took the time and effort to write this book about the specific issues faced by those of us who cannot or do not want to get married.

[Paula Kirman · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am not currently cohabitating but this book offers practical advice and personal stories. Published in 2002, it is a bit out of date as the practise has become more commonplace and in many places there are now laws to protect the interests of people living together.

[Jeanine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great advice for committed couples not wanting to get married right away, or at all. It also examines different aspects of why people want to get married.

[Theresa Miller · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was excellent- a really great read for anybody who's in an unmarried relationship, or who isn't interested in being married. It gives concrete suggestions, and some wisdom that's humorous.

[heffa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very readable and enjoyed it a lot! These authors were talking about nonbinary people back in 2001! Of course, didn't use that word, but they did say that gender is more expansive than just man and woman. I did love to read that.
Skipped irrelevant (to me) chapters about having kids or considering cohabitation.