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180 pages, Kindle Edition
First published August 24, 2015
That first drunk when you haven't been drunk in a long time is not really fun. But you recover parts of your personality you'd forgotten, or that had fallen asleep, or were even no longer there.
It's very hard to know, in the early few months of a love affair, what is real and what is imaginary. You find signs and confirmations everywhere. Men passing you on the street stop you to tell you that you're beautiful. Random street signs or airplanes passing overhead prophesies your happiness. Yet the mind of your lover remains as closed to you as that of a face on a billboard, or a distracted cab driver fiddling with his radio. Every time I looked at him, when we were happy together, I wanted to put him entirely in my mouth.
During an affair you need your closest friends, because you are falling apart, but then they try to fix things, which is what you don't want them to do. I was asking her to help me stop seeing Eduard but I couldn't stop seeing Eduard.
All these decisions you make for the sake of your lover are little steps you take away from the person you truly love. That's not to say you don't love them both, you do. But one has your heart and the other has your attention. Then, after many little steps, you turn around and he's so far away that you think, well, he's too far away now. We've gone.