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256 pages, Paperback
First published July 4, 2006
Oh, hey.
"My name is Jade Leighton, and this morning I staged my own death."
After witnessing the death of my mother, I decided to become a violent cesspool of swirling black hatred but in, like, a cool and emotionless way.
"I'm seventeen-years-old now. Since the accident, I haven't shed a single tear or laughed."
Everyone wants me to change - my friends want me to love them, my family is going to pieces and Mercedes (the Mean Girl) along with her posse taunt me all the time.
"Inhale, exhale. Again. In, out. I shove, punch and kick the rage deep, deep inside a hidden corner of my heart where I've buried a thousand other emotions."
But don't worry, I can hold my own. The entire school fears my wrath.
Bobby winds his arm around her[Mercedes's] shoulders..."Oh, goodie. It's Jade the Unlaid."
Sometimes Daddy tries to help me, but it often feels like I'm talking to just another teen.
"They don't call you Bay the Lay or Bob has a Sore on His Corncob for nothing, amiright?"
Did I mention, no one understands me??
"I'm your father. I'm not going to avoid you, even if you're ripping out my guts. All I want to do is love you, sweetheart. Why can't you see that?"
I'm content with my pain...but then, the unthinkable happens.
"Wack! A slap of shock, directly across my face."
I wake up in a universe where black is the new black.
"Tires squeal. Those lights! So bright!...Pain explodes though my head."
To top it all, Mercedes aka Enemy #1 aka the cruelest girl in school aka my almost-stepsister who I actually got along with really well until I was an absolute b*tch to her and ruined her life...is stuck here with me.
"I didn't tell you everything your mother said to me. I - according to her - need to be torn down so I'll understand the beauty of building someone up."
After seeing that post...and after reading the Everlife series, I cannot imagine anything worse.![]()
NOTE: This review for for the original Oh My Goth edition![]()
Much like Kanye West and Taylor Swift, or like Anthony Bourdain and Paula Deen, Jade (a Goth) and Mercedes (a "Barbie") are mortal enemies.
"She's committing total social suicide."
It feels like no matter what she does, Jade always gets the short end of the stick. Even her teachers participate in the daily mocking and tormenting.
"I'm not a bad person. I haven't killed anyone...So why do people look at me as if the world would be a better place without me?"
And when Jade fights back, her principal sentences Jade and Mercedes to an experimental virtual-reality drug-induced punishment - resulting in a "Freaky-Friday-esque" swap of social status.
"Are you paying attention, Miss Leigh [Jade], or are you praying you never come into contact with a wooden stake?"
Despite becoming the new "it" girl, all Jade wants to do is go home - but as the stakes get higher, will she ever manage to claw her way back to reality?
"He's not one of us, Jade, and you need to realize that. He belongs with the freaks. Look at him. He's not wearing any eyeliner..."
Oh, and did I mention she made up her own catchphrase? That she uses all the time. And then wonders why no one picks it up on their own? Cause that always works real well in high school...cringe.
"FYI," I added, "your comment doesn't make you fright, Mr. Parton."
But (unfortunately) there were just as many moments that did bring out the crinnnge in me. In particular, was the way the author informed audience about how different the world is now that the Goths are in charge.
"Have you noticed that nothing is right? Nothing is normal?"
"No," I said dryly. "I haven't noticed. I didn't have my bowl of Smart Girl cereal this morning.
It just felt clunky and awkward every time Jade didn't know something she was supposed to know.
"What exactly is Coffin Club?"
"Duh. Like you don't know. We get together one day a week and talk about death, that kind of thing. This week's meeting really sucked without you. We ended up leaving early without planning our funerals or anything."
Ohhhh wow. Would you look at that, another violent and unstable bad boy (TM) who's actually super kind and sensitive once the main character looks past his bloody past.
"Clarik! Stop, okay. You have to stop."
He didn't even pause.
"Clarik."
This time, he faced me. There was blood on his hands and a stream of crimson from his cracked lip. Bobby lay on the ground, moaning...I grabbed Clarik's hand and took off in a dead run.
And he's a great kisser. Nothing like pinning all your self-esteem on a boy... Good thing she's Goth and she's beyond such teenage tropes...oh wait...
"The kiss, well, it somehow made up for every time I'd been called a freak, made up for every boy who'd ever picked Mercedes over me. Made up for the horror I'd endured..."
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"We need to end the war between us once and for all. We need to end the war between the Goths and the Barbies."
The freaky things shunned by mainstream can be beautiful.