The Social Sex: A History of Female Friendship

by Marilyn Yalom, Theresa Donovan Brown

“Fascinating . . . The Social Sex is a paean to companionship. Share it with a bosom friend.” —NPR

From historian and acclaimed feminist author of How the French Invented Love and A History of the Wife comes this rich, multifaceted history of the evolution of female friendship

In today’s culture, the bonds of female friendship are taken as a given. But only a few centuries ago, the idea of female friendship was completely unacknowledged, even pooh-poohed. Only men, the reasoning went, had the emotional and intellectual depth to develop and sustain these meaningful relationships.

Surveying history, literature, philosophy, religion, and pop culture, acclaimed author and historian Marilyn Yalom and co-author Theresa Donovan Brown demonstrate how women were able to co-opt the public face of friendship throughout the years. Chronicling shifting attitudes toward friendship—both female and male—from the Bible and the Romans to the Enlightenment to the women’s rights movements of the ‘60s up to Sex and the City and Bridesmaids, they reveal how the concept of female friendship has been inextricably linked to the larger social and cultural movements that have defined human history.

Armed with Yalom and Brown as our guides, we delve into the fascinating historical episodes and trends that illuminate the story of friendship between the literary salon as the original book club, the emergence of female professions and the working girl, the phenomenon of gossip, the advent of women’s sports, and more.

Lively, informative, and richly detailed, The Social Sex is a revelatory cultural history.

Genres: Nonfiction, History, Feminism, Womens, Sociology, Womens Studies, Ebooks

400 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 22, 2015

About the author

Marilyn Yalom grew up in Washington D.C. and was educated at Wellesley College, the Sorbonne, Harvard and Johns Hopkins. She has been a professor of French and comparative literature, director of an institute for research on women, a popular speaker on the lecture circuit, and the author of numerous books and articles on literature and women's history.

Reviews

[McKenzie Richardson · Rating 2 out of 5]

I received this book from GoodReads in exchange for an honest review.This is kind of a difficult book to rate. While the text is informative, the overall narrative feels as though it is lacking. Part of the issue is clearly a lack of historical texts to use in order to determine changes in female friendship. This is mostly a history of white middle class friendship with a brief look at various "other" friendships such as "Friendship in the Workplace, Third-World Style", an unfortunately flippant title. Again, this is partly due to the lack of documentation outside of the dominant group, but I think the missing pieces were crucial to this history. The historical connections to feminism were interesting, especially the chunk of the book dedicated to Eleanor Roosevelt, but as a whole the book felt a bit dull. The text was broken up well into digestible pieces, but some areas were heavier than others, leaving some sections unsatisfying thin. The section on modern friendships was incredibly short with very little depth. A decent book, but the lack of concentration in certain areas left me unsatisfied as a whole.

[Yasmin · Rating 2 out of 5]

The last few chapters seemed to really lag for me. Indeed I decided not to bother finishing chapter 14 and skip to chapter 15. Primarily the women in this book were wealthy or middle class white women, mostly from the U.S. Not only that but it isn't accurate to say that Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton never had disagreed on anything. They did disagree. Anthony thought that Stanton kept bearing children when she should have been completely focused on women's issues, as well disagreements about other women. I also would have liked a little more of a mention on Charlotte Bronte's friend Ellen Nussey and I would have thought something of Emily and Anne Bronte's friend(s). But there are some good points, however, overall the book could have been better. After all the sharp generalisation of Toni Morrison's female characters all end up mad or dead robs much from Toni Morrison as a writer. The only real woman of note that wasn't white was Pauli Murray and even that was too brief to have a sense of who the woman was. It shall also be added that Oscar Wilde had a number of great friendships with women as a boy and as a man.

[Stephanie Phillips · Rating 1 out of 5]

After reading Yalom's previous book, "A History of the Wife," I thought this would be a more interesting read. Unfortunately, I was left sorely disappointed.

It is ironic that this book contains a passage in which Toni Morrison lamenting the absence of the portrayal of friendships between women that are absent of any kind of sexual suggestion, as that is one of my complaints about this book. I don't mean to suggest that same-sex relationships between two women are unworthy of study, nor do I mean to suggest that some women had lesbian relationships that have been subject to erasure due to the social unacceptability of such relationships at points in history. The point is that this book purported to be about female friendships, which is a separate subject. To include what were clearly lesbian relationships in such a book does what Morrison was complaining about: that two women are apparently not permitted to have close, supportive, loving relationships with each other without people looking askance.

That is just one of this book's many problems, however. Despite purporting to be a book about female friendships, quite a bit of space is dedicated to male friendships (especially the first portion of the book) or to male/female platonic friendships. Additionally, the book is clunky, reading more like an undergraduate term paper. I couldn't help but continually feel that this book was in desperate need of a more effective editor.* Instead of examining trends in the way female friendship has evolved over time, the authors give detailed examples of friendships between specific women (and, confusingly, sometimes between a woman and a man) and make little to no attempt to generalize such friendships to wider trends in most cases. Case in point: a full chapter is devoted to Eleanor Roosevelt's friendships, again, including one with a man. While Eleanor Roosevelt is undoubtedly an important and interesting figure in the 20th century, if I wanted detailed information about her relationships, I'd opt to read one of the many biographies available about her.

Perhaps the problem is that not enough information was available, especially until recent history, about women's friendships. The way the book is written would seem to reinforce this speculation, as later chapters begin to generalize more about relationships instead of focusing on very specific people. Even the later chapters, though, seem insistent on including male friendships and couple friendships as well. I was left wondering whether maybe there just wasn't enough information to create an entire book, and if that is the case, this book just shouldn't have existed.

*side note: if I read one more book in which the television show "Sex and the City" makes it through the editing process misidentified as "Sex IN the City," I might, in the words of Andy Bernard, lose my FREAKIN' mind.

[Melanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Vom Mittelalter bis in die Neuzeit beleuchtet Marilyn Yalom auf eine ruhige und intelligente Art die verschiedenen Konzepte weiblicher Freundschaften. Es ist spannend, Auszüge aus Briefen und Rezeptionen von Zeitgenossen über diverse Freundschaften zu lesen. Auch die Entwicklung in verschiedenen Ländern, Kulturen und Berufsgruppen werden anschaulich dargestellt. Mein persönliches Lieblingskapitel war das, über die Freundschaften der Eleanor Roosevelt.

[Wamuyu Thoithi · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had to skim through this book as there really was no cohesion. I enjoyed the upfront section on Greek philosophy and the chapter on ‘Can men and women be just friends’, but that’s where it ended for me. As a woman of colour I could not relate AT ALL. The title is inaccurate- it is not representative of women. The title really should be ‘The Social Sex: A history of WESTERN/ EUROPEAN/ WHITE AMERICAN CIS-female friendships’. A miserable attempt was made at mentioning women of colour in the later chapters, with a small excerpt on ‘Black Sisterhood’. The chapters on 21st century and social media friendships really felt like they had no point. I think this book may be useful as reference text for academic writing but not much else. You’ll be alright skipping it.

[Amanda Pinero · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have read "The History of the Breast" by Marilyn Yalom, so I was excited to read this book because I really enjoyed the thoroughness of History of the Breast. Unfortunately, I really had to power through the first couple of chapters of the book because the stories of the women described were repetitive and boring. Once she started in on the 20th-century things started to pick up but I felt as if she had given much thought and research to the first several chapters but started to become bored and sped through the 20th-century to now. I wish she would've taken more time to dissect friendship today in the 21st century, but maybe it's hard to do that as things are still occurring and she can't look at things entirely from a bird's eye view. I overall learned a lot and I definitely really value female friendships. There is still a lot to gain from this book if you can power through the first few chapters.

[Kevin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent! Just fucking excellent. A wonderful look at friendship down through the ages. I will say that although the title says a history of female friendship, it is really only a history of friendship between upper class white woman in the western world. And while some of that is due to just the historical record, I would have found it interesting if she talked more about friendship between women in other cultures/countries. And perhaps we simply don't have the record to do that sort of historical analysis.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

This truly is an introduction into a slightly more complex topic than I think the author gave it credit for. While it was interesting to read about the transformation of female friendship from practically non-existant in the ancient world, to much more prominant in the modern world, I wish that the author had at least mentioned the fluidity of gender and had included trans-women and nonbinary people. Nevertheless, as mentioned, it is a decent introduction into Western, female friendship and its place within society.

[Katherine · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked up this book on a whim and am surprised at what I found. This is definitely worth a read.

However, I feel like there are some pieces about friendship that are missing. When you figure it's mostly focused on popular culture of Europe and America in history it makes sense. The writing is also balanced, mentioning several sides to a quotation from letters, such as views from historians or popular opinion. Some of the points made in the book really stood out to me.

The major one that stood out to me is where she questions if men and women can be friends without assumption of there being a sexual tie. It was answered as possibly with time: "Our history suggests that women will continue to show the world how to be friends." I am extremely interested in this due to the fact that I value friendships from all over, but despise the fact that it's assumed I must have "something going on" with a male friend. I wish to dedicate time to a relationship, and in my current position, I believe I lack the focus to be able to do so. Due to that, I am not in a relationship, and choose to keep it so for the time being.

Another view that I have seen even more popular is the mention of "Going online to get offline", where people create groups online and immediately set up times and locations to meet in person. One of the reading groups I am a part of through goodreads has created several chats to meet up with other readers so as to talk person-to-person instead of screen-to-screen. I would favor this except that I am probably a few books behind. I am on the side of "going online to get offline" because of a valid argument that is made:
"While 'efficient friendship' might sound oxymoronic, social media allows busy women to maintain friendships separated by distance or conflicting schedules. A few girlfriends might use social media to schedule an impromptu get-together that never would have happened in an age of telephone tag."
It has been a lot easier with scheduling outings or calling up someone with social media (even using google calendar and sharing it among friends is a key to success). It also makes conversation easier among people you may not talk to often. Not to be stalker-ish, but it can help you understand what someone has been doing recently so you are not coming in out of nowhere, especially when all you want to do is chat and continue a friendship.

I definitely enjoyed this and couldn't put it down.

[Pam · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was so disappointed! I think another reviewer, McKenzie Richardson, says it best...


This is kind of a difficult book to rate. While the text is informative, the overall narrative feels as though it is lacking. Part of the issue is clearly a lack of historical texts to use in order to determine changes in female friendship. This is mostly a history of white middle class friendship with a brief look at various "other" friendships such as "Friendship in the Workplace, Third-World Style", an unfortunately flippant title.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

An enjoyable read that marks a lot of important points about the ideas and patterns of female friendship throughout the ages. Although the book seems a bit unbalanced at times (the ending seemed rather rushed; the beginning, which is about previous male views of friendship was perhaps too lengthy), the middle and majority of the text hones in on a key friendships throughout history, depicting the women and their partnerships in engaging ways that should interest any history lover.

[Sani Hachidori · Rating 4 out of 5]

INHALT:

Dieses Sachbuch ist sehr umfangreich und gut strukturiert aufgebaut. In drei Teilen sowie vierzehn Kapiteln wird auf die Geschichte von Frauenfreundschaften eingegangen.

In Teil I wird der Fokus auf die Zeit gelegt, in der das Erscheinungsbild von Freundschaften noch männlich war. Denn es ist keineswegs so, dass Freundschaft immer beiden Geschlechtern zugestanden worden ist. Ausführlich wird auch auf die wenigen Erwähnungen von Frauenbeziehungen in der Bibel eingegangen. Besonders interessant war unter anderem, dass Jesus einer der wenigen Propheten war, der auch weibliche Jüngerinnen annahm. Umso interessanter dass zwei Jüngerinnen, die historisch nachgewiesen werden können, weder auf dem Abendmahl auftauchen, noch in dieser textlichen Ausführlichkeit wie die anderen Jünger. Dies sollte einen nicht verwundern, wurde die Bibel doch von Männern geschrieben.
Weiterhin wird darauf eingegangen, dass auch sehr bekannte Philosophen und Kleriker nicht davor gefeit waren, Freundschaften zwischen Frauen als nicht existent oder minderwertig zu betrachten.

In Teil II dreht sich dann alles um die Zeit, in der die Geschichte Frauenfreundschaften entdeckte. Es wird von Nonnen erzählt, die zunächst die einzigen Frauen mit Zugang zu Bildung waren und somit die einzigen Schriftstücke zurückließen, die Frauenfreundschaften und -beziehungen dokumentieren. Denn auch, wenn es immer noch Menschen gibt, die es abstreiten: Auch Liebesbeziehungen gleichgeschlechtlicher Natur gab es schon allseits in der Menschheitsgeschichte.
Letztlich wird darüber berichtet, wie sich die Frauenfreundschaften auch immer mehr Raum außerhalb der Klöster errangen. Diese Freundschaften existierten auch selten mit Männern, die aber sonst solche Beziehungen eher als Klatsch, denn als Seelenverwandtschaft abtaten.
Es wird außerdem auf die sogenannten Précieuses eingegangen, ein literarischer Kreis von Frauen im 17. Jahrhundert, die sich der Pflege der französischen Sprache und gesellschaftlicher Sitten verschrieben hatten.
Ebenfalls wird auf patriotische und romantische Freundschaften eingegangen. Alle diese Kapitel sind jeweils mit historischen Beispielen veranschaulicht, sodass der Leser auch die kurzen Biografien der Personen erfährt.
Die Bedeutsamkeit von Gebeten, Vereinen oder des Quiltknüpfens in den ersten amerikanischen Siedlungen für Frauenfreundschaften wird danach thematisiert. Die Verbundenheit, die durch solche Vereinigungen und gemeinsame Tätigkeiten entstand, bot den perfekten Rahmen für die Entstehung eines Austauschs und Verbindungen zwischen Frauen.
Schließlich widmet sich das Kapitel der Erstarkung der Frau an sich und somit auch ihrer Beziehungen, indem es auf Studentinnen, Stadtmädchen und "die neue Frau" eingeht. Diese neue Frau hat endlich größeren Zugang zu Bildung und definiert sich dadurch auf ganz anderen Ebenen, wird selbstständiger und selbstbewusster.
Maßgeblich dazu beigetragen und für Frauen eingesetzt hat sich Eleanor Roosevelt. Ihrer Biografie und ihren Freunden wurde ein ganzes Kapitel gewidmet, um das Schaffen dieser Persönlichkeit nicht nur darzustellen, sondern zu ehren.
Die Entwicklung der Partnerschaft hin zu einer schwesterlichen Beziehung bildet schließlich den Abschluss des zweiten Teils.

TEIL III beschäftigt sich mit dem modernen 21. Jahrhundert und dem persönlichen Kontakt von Frauen zu ihren Freunden. Es wird auf die sogenannte Freundintimität eingegangen und auf das Geben und Nehmen in einer Freundschaft, die in einer Marktwirtschaft existiert. Auch auf die allseits gern gestellte Frage: "Können Männer und Frauen Freunde sein?" wird in einem Kapitel eingegangen. Letzlich werden auch die modernen Kommunikationswege kurz beleuchtet.

Der Epilog bietet schlussendlich ein Resümee über die Frauenfreundschaften über alle Jahrhunderte hinweg, was davon bleibt und wir für unsere Beziehungen daraus lernen können.


SCHREIBSTIL:

Der Schreibstil ist für ein Sachbuch sehr eingängig. Viele Kapitel lesen sich sehr schnell weg, andere wiederum sind etwas trockener, was auch den vielen politischen Rahmenbedingungen geschuldet ist, die erklärt werden müssen, um den Zusammenhang zu verstehen.
Die kleinen Biografien, die überall mit einfließen, haben mir sehr gut gefallen, da sie auf das Nötigste reduziert waren und einen guten Einblick geben konnten, ohne den Leser zu überfrachten.
Die Autorinnen schreiben mit sehr viel Leidenschaft, oft auch appellierend, aber niemals belehrend. Kritische Stellen werden sachlich beleuchtet, sodass sich der Leser selbst ein Bild machen kann.


FAZIT:

Dieses Buch ist wichtiger, als es auf den ersten Blick erscheint. Denn Frauenfreundschaften zeigen sehr deutlich, wie sich auch das Bild der einzelnen Frau über die Jahrhunderte gewandelt hat. Wie eng auch die Beziehungen von Frauen mit dem politischen und gesellschaftlichen Geschehen verwoben sind, war mir vorher nicht in dieser Fülle und Klarheit bewusst. An so manchen Stellen des Buchs hatte ich Aha-Momente und wurde beeindruckt, ja bin ich sogar stolz, was unsere Vorfahrinnen für uns erreicht und gegen welche Widerstände sie sich behauptet haben. Ebenfalls interessant war, wie schmal der Grad zwischen Freundschaft und romantischer Beziehung ist. Denn wie die unzähligen Beispiele im Buch zeigen, kann eine Freundschaft auch ohne sexuellen Einschlag mindestens so leidenschaftlich ablaufen, wie eine Liebesbeziehung. Ich frage mich auch, wie unsere Freundschaften wohl dokumentiert werden, da wir doch heutzutage keine Briefe mehr schreiben. Denn nur dadurch wurde uns dieses Erbe erhalten.
Ein wichtiges historisches Dokument der Frauenfreundschaften im Wandel der Zeit. Es bietet nicht nur viele biografische Beispiele bekannter Persönlichkeiten, sondern macht auch deutlich, welches Einfluss das politische und gesellschaftliche Geschehen auf Frauen und deren Beziehungen hat. Sehr interessant und lesenswert.

[jen8998 · Rating 3 out of 5]

Started off promising in the first chapters but became dull. Changes in women's friendships in modern times are given short shrift at best.

[Kathleen McRae · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was not an easy read it has some interesting facts but you had to search them out.

[Ana · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked how friendship among writers was emphasized, but I wish there were at least a couple of friendships from people of color.

[kilig · Rating 3 out of 5]

全是材料堆砌，太多太淺。

[Renate Stendhal · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author is a charming erudite.

[Jessica · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this book! If my expectations hadn't been high I might give it a higher rating. Women's friendships are an important topic and well worth being written about.

I will say for this book that it's a very quick and pleasant read. However, it's hampered by the authors' focus on friendships between elite Western women. The book purports to be a social and cultural history of women's friendships, but the narrow focus on a tiny women limits how convincing any of the arguments can be with regard to what kinds of friendships are possible or will develop.

Admittedly the historical record is biased towards male and elite sources, so the authors can be off the hook when talking about women in the classical or medieval worlds. Chapters about more recent periods expand their focus somewhere, but the default seems to remain white middle-class women's experiences. Cultural history of the rest of the world is almost entirely missing (apart from a short section about the importance of women's friendships for Third World microfinance. Phew.)

The book likewise seems to take heterosexual experience as the norm. Statistically that may be valid but in trying to understand the history of women's friendships, much more consideration of erotic, romantic and partnering relations between women need to be considered where historical evidence is ambiguous. (This is mentioned with regard to some key examples given in the book; but somehow it doesn't seem to make it into the analysis of friendships which retains a heterocentric perspective.

[Angiepash · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pensaba encontrarme un libro “separatista”
Pero en cuanto la introducción solo habla de la amistad entre hombres, se menciona y desarrolla la amistad de algunos hombres de Eleanor Rooselvelt, incluso hay un capítulo “los hombres y las mujeres pueden ser amigos”
Son momentos decepcionantes para un libro con un título y portada prometedora.
Si bien hay un gran trabajo histórico cultural, muchas veces siento que es un libro escrito por mujeres estadounidenses blancas para mujeres estadounidenses blancas.
También, me molesta cuando especifican sobre amistades románticas, en hechos históricos que ya se referían al lesbianismo.
Se destaca, el reconocimiento de algunas mujeres, despertando el interés de conocer más sobre ellas.
Me parece , en ocasiones, priorizan otra información menos relevante al tema sobre la amistad.
La descripción de la amistad según época historia aunque fuese focalizada a un perfil de mujer, es interesante.
Lo que más me gustó fue: los factores comunes que tienen las amistades a lo largo de la historia.

[Serian · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this does what it aimed to do, which is to start to write an overview of female friendship. It's very easy to read and there is a lot of interesting information. I'd certainly encourage people to read it, if that's something they're interested in. However, it is very much focused on Western Europe and the US. I am also very unconvinced by their approach to queer relationships. I agree with their points that it is hard to judge the past, given the different ways we talk about love and friendship in different eras, but I also think some of their choices weren't explored in enough detail. An interesting read, but not overwhelming.

[E2d2 · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was a less rigorous history of female friendship than I expected, written in a very accessible tone. Exploring friendship between women in it's changing complexities is a tricky undertaking, and the authors rely primarily on literary and archival texts with supposition and corollary building to modern emotional assumptions. It was also super white elite focused, largely as a result of their source material. They attempted to address this gap, but it often came across as a sideline show. But for all that, I'm always here for a read on the important value of female friends in all their complexities.

[Megan Polcaro · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book! Reading it with a group of friends truly enhanced it's impact and illustrated many of Yalom's messages. While it was only a peephole into the entire topic of female friendships, as it focuses only on friendships between upper class white/European/US women. I can't say that Yalom missed a large bit of info or if the records she used, primarily letters, are scarce and kept more widely among the white ruling classes.

Still, in an age where the internet and virtual work\/interactions are the norm, it is easy to forget the importance of social interaction, physical and emotional support and the need for genuine affection in one's life.

[Julia Hawkins · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very interesting read, and one that illuminated much for me about the social context for female friendships. I found a line from the epilogue best encompasses it:

“For more than two millennia, from circa 600 BCE to circa 1600 CE, women’s friendships were ignored, belittled, or openly denigrated by male creators of the written record. However, for the past 400 years, as women have gained access to literacy, socioeconomic resources, and civil rights, their friendships have been become increasingly visible, so much so that women in the 21st-century are now setting the model of friendship for both sexes”

[Valeria · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have mixed feelings towards this book. I loved the first chapters, I found them insightful and entertaining. They were encompassing from Greeks, to Romans, from the Bible to European as well as American stories. Then the author started to solely focus on America and on stories of friendship between people I never heard of, and I started to lose interest - and struggled to finish it. The last few chapters seemed rushed and not thought through, it seems that the author lacked information or time to analyze modern days’ friendships in a careful way.

[Annett · Rating 2 out of 5]

Gegenstand des Buches sind Frauenfreundschaften im Laufe der Jahrhunderte, die von den Autorinnen beschrieben und anhand verschiedener Beispiele illustriert wurden. Gegen Ende habe ich die Lektüre als recht zäh empfunden und muss auch sagen, dass mich der Fokus auf weisse Frauen der Mittelklasse in den USA nicht so mitgerissen hat, wie dies vielleicht ein anderer Schwerpunkt gekonnt hätte. Annahmsweise dem Hintergrund der Autorinnen geschuldet ist dies natürlich völlig verständlich und für viele auch relevant.

[Kasey Dietrich · Rating 1 out of 5]

I thought the title of this book was funny, so I picked this up. I put this book down because the book started unfocused and with "it all started in the stone age...". I don't really like when authors do that, since there often times that we don't need to go back to cave men to understand the topic at hand, also we have few records of social interactions in that time anyway. It just threw me off.

[Lei Waisman Sod · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesantes relatos desde la edad media hasta la actualidad, sobre la amistad entre mujeres, la contensión mutua, las cartas, la prohibición por el temor al lesbianismo y el pecado, la evolución de estos vínculos que pasas de la sospecha de la mujer hacia el reencuentro y la protección mutua, la sororidad.

[Lisa Allen Thakur · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good overview of women's friendships over the ages; the writing was interesting but not compelling. I enjoyed some of the theme-based chapters (such as romantic friendships), which sparked my interest in researching a particular woman's life in more depth.

[Jeannie LaPlatney · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very poorly written and researched. Basically a catalogue of female friendships that we are all aware of with little to no new ideas. Also, almost all Europe and the US, but no First Nations or other groups of women.

[Cata · Rating 5 out of 5]

Un verdadero placer de lectura, de verdad.

Ese prólogo fue suficiente para tenerme ansiosa leyendo, es una historia preciosa sobre lo importante que es la amistad femenina tanto para las mujeres como para la Humanidad en general.