Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After

by Katherine Woodward Thomas

And Then They Lived Happily…
 
We enter our romantic relationships with great love, hope, and excitement--we've found the 'one', so we plan and forge our futures together.  But sometimes, for many different reasons, relationships come undone; they don't work out. Commonly, we view this as a personal failure, rather than an opportunity. And instead of honoring what we once meant to each other, we hoard bitterness and anger, stewing in shame and resentment.  Sometimes even lashing out in destructive and hurtful ways, despite the fact that we’re good people at heart. That's we're almost biologically primed to respond this way. 
 
Yet there is another path to the end of a relationship--one filled with mutual respect, kindness, and deep caring.  Katherine Woodward Thomas's groundbreaking method, Conscious Uncoupling, provides the valuable skills and tools for you to travel this challenging terrain with these five thoughtful and thought-provoking
Step 1: Find Emotional Freedom
Step 2: Reclaim Your Power and Your Life
Step 3: Break the Pattern, Heal Your Heart
Step 4: Become a Love Alchemist
Step 5: Create Your Happy Even After Life
 
This paradigm-shifting guide will steer you away from a bitter end and toward a new life that’s empowered and flourishing.




From the Hardcover edition.

Genres: Relationships, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Divorce, Love, Personal Development

295 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 22, 2015

About the author

Katherine Woodward Thomas, M.A., LMFT, was a New York Times bestselling author, award-winning licensed psychotherapist, and pioneering teacher in the field of transformational psychology. Through her groundbreaking books Calling in "The One," Conscious Uncoupling, and What's TRUE About YOU, along with her transformative courses and professional coach training programs, Katherine helped hundreds of thousands of people transform their relationships, graduate from old patterns, and create lives rooted in love, purpose, and possibility.

Her books have sold more than 600,000 copies worldwide, sparking cultural movements and redefining how we approach love, relationships, and conscious endings. Her work has been featured in The New York Times, Time, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, and on The Today Show, reaching millions of people around the world.

Katherine's final book, What's TRUE About YOU, represented the culmination of decades of professional experience and the transformational work that had become her greatest passion. Through her Future Forward Frameworks™, Katherine offered a new approach to helping people move beyond the patterns of the past and consciously create a brighter future.

Today, Katherine's legacy continues through her timeless teachings, an expanding network of Certified Coaches, and a vibrant global community committed to creating lives—and a world—rooted in love, healing, and possibility.

Reviews

[Brian Tucker · Rating 5 out of 5]

For the love of god. Everyone please read this.

Update 12/10/16 - I've read this 7 times this year and it gets better every time. This has become one of those special books. I hope it makes a difference in your life as it has in mine.

[Mindy · Rating 5 out of 5]

In an uncertain period in our marriage, I turned to the tools in this book to help us through with kindness and compassion. Thanks to this book, I now have a framework for understanding our relationship and how we can move forward without blame or shame as we figure out whether reconciliation is possible. Perhaps it’s strange to be so open about such things on a site like this, but I’m glad I read this book and am glad to recommend it to others. No shame.

[Arlena · Rating 5 out of 5]

Title: Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After
Author: Katherine Woodward Thomas
Publisher: Harmony
Reviewed By: Arlena Dean
Rating: Five
Review:

"Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After" by Katherine Woodward Thomas

My Thoughts...

This was a very good self help read especially if you are going through a breakup of
any kind...this read is for you.

Here are some of what I took from the read....

Bad experiences can be turn into positive ones.

Wisdom and Guidance's...handling anger and loss
Gaining deeper understanding of it...growing and healing
Dealing with trauma because of separation...suffering from a past breakup
this read gives one a definitely beacon of hope

Helping to better understand family, friends in different relationship patterns
The exercises that are presented in this read are well worth the read

The ideas were powerful and definitely worthwhile.

For a breakup is very painful but there are things to help one get through it
leaving one less angry, more whole and even open to new relationships.

This is definitely one read that helps one in the ending of a relationship. This online
course will leave one 'healthy, strong, authentic, loving and eventually ready
to even try to love again.'

So, if you are looking for a wonderful companion for going through a breakup this
novel..."Conscious Uncoupling: 5 steps to Living Happily Even After" is one good
read for helping 'yourself, your family. your community feeling free, happy, healthy and
whole.'

[Elaine · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m going through a divorce right now. It’s [supposed to be] an amicable one, but a divorce nonetheless. As I’m going through a downward spiral felling sad, lonely, not respected and betrayed, this book showed that I’m not the first and won’t be the last to go through separation, and if we think about long-term well-being (forever live with the consequences) instead of the short-term vengeance there is a light in the end of the tunnel. Lots of questions aiming to get to the root cause of the problems, in order to avoid making them again – I spent the time to think through and to some degree find [at least some of] the traps on my marriage of 24 years. I recommend the book, along with friends and professional help to get through the difficult times to flourish as a whole person when love ends.

[Duckoffimreading · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book helped me process my breakup/divorce in as positive a way as possible. I read this book on my own vs with my ex, but it helped me see the longterm benefit of leaving a relationship - no matter the reasons - with love, respect, dignity and grace. As l share children with my ex, finding a path forward that doesn’t smack of resentment, anger and bitterness will help me heal and help me be a better co-parent with my ex, and give our kids as healthy an environment to grow up in as possible. Divorce is more prevalent than ever before, and as the equality gap between men and women close - the trend is expected to continue. The divorce industry or family law is the most profitable courtroom out of any other area of law. It really begs the question why get married! I know very healthy, positive marriages exist - but according to this book, only 30% of marriages consider themselves “happy.” Staggering odds in my opinion. In an effort to fight the negative current that divorce court forces, I can choose to not make my divorce a battleground and not make my ex my enemy. Forgiveness, kindness, and grace go a long way to helping all of us get to an positive next chapter in our lives. The most positive outlook book I’ve read on separation thus far.

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

I learned so much from reading this book. My intention behind reading this book was to help understand some of my many relationship patterns - work, friends, family, etc. It certainly delivered on that intention. I've read it once, and will reread it in the coming weeks. Taking more time to dive into exercises.

My first read opened my eyes to some deeper thoughts on creating a new foundation/filter for my relationships. There were even a few moments where the light bulb clicked on to long held mysteries.

Definitely recommend to anyone that is curious about exploring what holds you back in growing a relationship, or exploring how to take ownership of your part in a relationship that is ending. It is not exclusive to romantic relationships. I read this with all relationships in mind. It opened my eyes to new possibilities. More than anything it brought peace to some long standing obstacles in moving forward.

The road forward is looking brighter.

[Al · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was an eye-opener. Several things in the first chapter made me really think. It seems so obvious that the length of a relationship should not be the deciding factor in its value, and yet somehow I needed this spelt out for me. Some people may have been together 50 years and counting, but may not be happy, just because they are still together. Others are brave enough to value what they have had together and when it ends in its current form, to try to evolve into something new and loving in a different way. I think this book would help enormously if you are ending a relationship, or struggling in a relationship, or struggling with the ending of a relationship from some time ago. Especially if you have children together and you need to find a way to work together as parents.

[Jostalady · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am crawling through this book, FINALLY on page 129. I am taking my time with each of the 5 steps to be really ready for the next. This is the first book that gave me tools to calm my emotions and wrap my mind around my divorce. For the first time, I could make it through a day without crying and I just kept getting better and better as I worked through these steps and really did the emotional work of growing.

[Yitzchok · Rating 4 out of 5]

Conscious Uncoupling

I just finished reading this book “Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After”
by Katherine Woodward Thomas
http://www.amazon.com/Conscious-Uncou...

I found the ideas in the book to be very powerful and worthwhile. Being involved with singles through my retreats for singles and being single myself, I have seen a lot of pain and suffering when a dating relationship does not work out or hearing the perspective from divorced people about their breakups.

There is no way around it, breaking up can be very painful. However there are things we can do that can eventually leave us less cynical, less angry, more whole, and more open for new love without carrying the hurt to our new relationships.

Below are some excerpts that I thought were worthwhile to share. I also particularly loved these two quotes from the book:

“Devaluing love once shared is like snubbing the sun at sunset”

“Never cut what can be untied.” – J. smith

I bless everyone, each in the right time, to find the peace and tranquility of letting go of the hurt and anger from the ending of relationships. Enjoy the excerpts.

Yitz

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“The feelings that can come up during a break up are so big that they can be really, really hard to navigate without getting ourselves into some kind of trouble. Big rage, big hurt, big devastation, big despair, big hopelessness, big powerlessness, big desire for revenge – all threatening to overwhelm us and cause us to behave in ways that are completely outside of who we want to be and the image we have of ourselves as being good, kind, loving, fair and decent people.”
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“In a breakup, we all have tendency to point the finger at everything the other person did wrong. And it’s easy to do because the other person probably did do hurtful, immature and destructive things! It’s not like we’re making it up. But until we can take full ownership of all the ways that we covertly colluded with and co-created what happened, we won’t be able to access the power we need to create a different experience or to break our old patterns in love.”
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“We really need to begin to challenge this assumption that the end of a relationship for any reason other than the death of one or both partners means that the relationship has failed. Because that’s currently the covert standard that we are holding ourselves and others accountable to, that the longevity of a relationship is what validates its value.”
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Breakup Mistake #1: Hating the Person You Once Loved

“In an attempt to emotionally disconnect from the person we’re breaking up with, we’ll go from loving our former partner to hating them, devaluing them, and despising them. Which at first seems like a good idea because it can help us to detach from that person. But ultimately, we have to learn how to disconnect in a healthy way. Otherwise, we can end up doing a tremendous amount of damage to ourselves and others, and completely sabotage our ability to reclaim our power and reinvent our lives.”

“Regardless of whether you broke up with him or he broke up with you, most likely, where much of your attention has been on what your former partner did wrong. We tend to focus on blaming our former partner, ruminating on what he did that he shouldn’t have done, or what she didn’t do that she should have done, rather than examine ourselves and take personal responsibility for how we co-created the dynamic in a way that left us so vulnerable to being hurt and disappointed. Yet understanding ourselves as the source of this breakdown is what promises to liberate us from this kind of disappointment happening again moving forward.”

“Every way that you’ve given away your power, denied your own deeper knowing, put someone else’s feelings and needs before your own, stayed embedded in a victimized story, or settled for less in life—all of it is now up for review. You have nowhere to hide. Life has broken you open and it is violently, mercilessly forcing you to evolve, to develop, and to grow.”

“You can actually feel more loved in many ways at the end of a relationship than you can at the beginning. Because in the beginning we are often projecting onto the other person that we are going to get everything we want from them, so it’s easy to give. It’s at the end of the relationship, when we know that we won’t get what we want, when we are disappointed and things are very, very real, that we have the opportunity to give and receive authentic care.”

“a Conscious Uncoupling is a breakup or divorce that is characterized by a tremendous amount of goodwill, generosity, and respect, where those separating strive to do minimal damage to themselves, to each other, and to their children (if they have any), as well as intentionally seek to create new agreements and structures designed to set everyone up to win, flourish, and thrive moving forward in life.”

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"In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet (Winston Churchill)."
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Broken hearts, like broken legs, need a lot of tending to in order to properly heal. Unless of course, you don’t mind the possibility of your heart’s healing a little too crooked, a little bit closed, a whole lot defensive, and way too easily bruised moving forward from here. That’s the heart’s equivalent of walking with a limp for the rest of your life and feeling pain every time it rains.
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You are invited to purposefully protect the love that brought you and your former partner together and honor all you’ve co-created as you safely midwife the relationship to its healthier new form. The tendency to lash out, degrade, and destructively dismiss the connection as a way to cope with its loss comes at too great a cost. Devaluing love once shared is like snubbing the sun at sunset, pretending the garden that grew in warmth of those rays is now just a basket of plastic flowers. The danger of such a perspective is that one might be tempted to never open the blinds again, lest you be “tricked” into believing that the light being offered is real. Unless you’re the victim of an imposter who scammed you out of your fortune, what you and your former partner shared was real. One or both of you may have made mistakes that exposed fatal flaws you failed to notice or minimized before now, but that does not mean what you had was untrue or held no value. Longevity is not the only measure of love.
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To step into this deep release, you’re going to have to be willing to hold your righteous narrative a little less rigidly about how you were wronged. We all have our stories to tell, most of them steeped in biased interpretations about what happened that it’s hard to discern “my truth” from “The Truth.” The story you’ve been telling yourself and others about your breakup is filled with assumptions that may or may not actually be true.

Human understanding can’t help but be highly subjective, and memory even more so. Recent studies show that we’re prone to recount events not the way they happened but through the interpretive lens of our own preexisting worldview. So, wear your conclusions lightly. If you insist on telling your breakup story from a victimized perspective, making your former partner the villain while setting a halo upon your own head (or vice versa), then you’re probably not capturing the complexities it holds, and the subtle ways your experience was likely co-created. To be free, you’ll want to let go of ruminating on who did what to whom, and turn your attention to the ongoing practice of forgiving yourself and your former partner for the many mistakes made during the course of the relationship.
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“Never cut what can be untied.” – J. smith
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In their fervent desire to help minimize your pain, your family and friends may quickly turn against your former partner, revealing all sorts of negative opinions and feelings you had no idea they harbored. Their impulse to do so is usually well meaning, motivated solely by the instinct to offer emotional support. You may have even trained them to disparage your former partner in the months leading up to your separation, pulling on people to collude with your victimized perspective. While at first this display of social solidarity may cushion you from the blow of the breakup, ostracizing your former partner by fanning the flames of blame, such condemnation can easily have the far-reaching and negative consequences of making it virtually impossible to transition the union successfully to a healthy new form. While your primitive nature might want to boot someone out of your shared social circle as punishment for the crime of not loving you in the ways you’ve needed to be loved, doing damage to someone’s overall sense of belonging in the world by getting others to reject that person is just as harmful as if you broke her arm or bashed her head with a frying pan. Truly, it’s a form of violence.
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Show Restraint In How You Relay Your Story

In the aftermath of a traumatic event such as a breakup, most of us will have the need to tell our stories to help us integrate and come to terms with what just happened. Yet in sharing your story with others, you may be tempted to tell it from a victimized perspective by pointing a finger at everything your former partner did wrong. It’s easy to fall into this trap, because most likely he or she did some hurtful, irritating, and destructive things. Yet, please remember that it’s in taking personal responsibility for the many ways you unconsciously conspired with your partner and co-created what happened that you’ll access the power you will need to create a different experience in the future.

When you speak disrespectfully of your former partner, you not only diminish that person but you diminish yourself as well. Whenever you share from a victimized and reactive place, you risk losing the respect of others. They will likely begin feeling sorry for you rather than admire you for the gracious and deeply wise human being that you are. In a subtle way, you may actually cause others to be less invested in supporting you because you are using them as a dumping ground, and they feel that. They may be sympathetic at first, but eventually they may not be able to help and will just watch the clock, wondering how much “supportive friend time” they’re on the hook for.

On the other hand, if you can speak from a nonreactive and responsible place, without pulling on them to have to suddenly begin disliking your former partner to prove their loyalty to you, you will not only gain the respect of others but may also inspire them to have better endings themselves by the good modeling you provide.
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Clean completions consist of three parts.

First acknowledging what this person has meant to you.

Second, appreciating the gifts he or she brought into your life.

And third, making a sincere attempt to restore wholeness to the situation by offering amends, either to the people you’ve hurt directly, or by declaring your commitment to never again repeat the same mistakes with someone new.

As you can see, this list does not include reconciling your irreconcilable differences, being vindicated once and for all, or finally getting your emotional needs met.

There are reasons you and your former partner are parting ways. Your values are too diverse, your perspective too polarized, or your core needs too much at odds. In a Conscious Uncoupling, this is not a problem, as we make room for differences and discordant perspectives. This isn’t about winning a war. It’s about giving up the idea of war altogether, and going the extra mile to make sure everyone wins moving forward. The truth is, at this point, it doesn’t really matter who hurt who more. It doesn’t even matter if you can agree on the reasons your relationship is ending. What matters is that you seek to bring closure in ways that help all involved to thrive when they get to the other side of this disappointment.
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Sept 18 2015 Today Show - Katherine with Savannah Guthrie
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZrJd...

Conscious Uncoupling - Don’t Get Stuck In The Blame And Shame Game
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Eahm...

Conscious Uncoupling - Time Does Not Heal All Wounds—You Do
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8NnJ...

Conscious Uncoupling - Get A Handle On Your Hot Emotions
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UtYN...

How to Release Old Relationships
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5buyn...

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[Cara · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I bought this book, I didn’t even think I wanted to break up with anyone. But it was on sale for 99 cents, so I thought I’d get it “just in case.” Who knew, less than two weeks later, I’d be ready for it!

(I guess I did, somewhere deep down. Who in a happy relationship buys a book about breaking up?)

This book probably added an extra month or two to my breakup process. The parts about what happens in our bodies and minds, and how it makes people behave badly, scared me. And besides that, I really did want to make sure I gave it my best shot.

I think the book was helpful, and I recommend it, especially for people in long-term relationships and double-especially for people with kids. The philosophy of separating with as little pain, aggression, or meanness, and being friends eventually afterwards, is how I prefer to operate anyway. For me, the material in the book wasn’t news, but it still helped me comfort myself and remember who I want to be and how I want to show up.

It seems a little funny that I read Calling in the One by this same author right before manifesting this relationship, and then read this book to help me end it. What does that mean? Nothing, really. We have this idea in our culture that being in a relationship—and staying in it—is better than leaving it. But there are so many cases where that’s just not true. We weren’t married. A lot of our interactions were really fucked up. It’s much easier for me to live a peaceful life without him, and I hope he finds what he wants, too. I think that’s way better than making each other (or at least me) unhappy for the next 40 years.

[Lohersh]

Interesting book. I can see how the guidelines here would be very helpful and beneficial for those navigating uncoupling and desiring to move forward in a healthy way. However, it seems to me the advice would be even MORE helpful to people prior to arriving at that point, since it involves a lot of self-work, individual awareness, and taking responsibility for oneself - in other words, putting in the hard work of personal growth. Helpful psychology to apply, for sure. If we could all willingly and committedly apply these self-awareness principles and practices to ourselves consistently, maybe there would not be the need for so much 'uncoupling'. At any rate, the concept of working together, forgiving, and appreciating surely beats separating amid hostility, bitterness, and blame for all involved.

[K Agbebiyi]

This is really woo and has less tangible things that you can do, which may be good if you hate self help. But this book and I differ because it rests on the premise that all breakups/divorces are inherently bad and should be avoided in general.

[sylas · Rating 2 out of 5]

What in the heteronormative, mononormative, culturally appropriative, self-help sludge did I just read? This book could be good for someone who has done very little introspection. If you’ve reflected on past trauma, examined your attachment wounds, and/or done any therapy, you likely don’t need this book. I read half of it, then skimmed the rest. There are some decent recommendations of self reflective activities, but nothing I haven’t seen in every self help book I’ve ever read.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really appreciated how this book advanced kindness, generosity, and personal growth as substitutes for bitterness and rancor. The author is generous and validating toward the reader and the mantras really resonated with me <3

[Alex Herder · Rating 4 out of 5]

When Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced their "conscious uncoupling" 12 years ago, it was a revelation. The idea that two people could prioritize their relationship and their family over their (presumably strong senses of) fear, insecurity, and anger was inspiring and I have been obsessed with the idea ever since.

When some close friends recently told me that they were starting work with a conscious uncoupling coach, I decided it was time to actually read the book. And let me tell you, it's not at all what I expected. The biggest surprise was the target audience. From my friends doing the work today to the Chris & Gwyneth announcement, I assumed this was a book that couples read together as they navigate their own journeys towards "life even after." Wrong! While the book does end each chapter with a short guide for couples doing it together, the vast majority of the book is geared towards individuals.

This book is primarily a guide to navigating the emotional turmoil of a broken attachment bond (not always a romantic relationship!) and using that energy to create positive change for the future. The author assumes that the reader does not and will not have contact with their former attachment partner and puts the emphasis on what the reader themselves can do to find peace and purpose after heart break.

Note that I wrote "broken attachment bond" earlier, and not "break up." This is important, and it sets the stage for my advocating that everyone read this book as a complement to the excellent Attached as a comprehensive overview of how attachment theory works, how to get better at it, and how to let attachments go. While my wife and I are not in the process of uncoupling, this book and the exercises within have helped me to wrestle with separating from my business partner earlier this year and even losing a key employee and friend last month. It's natural and good that people move on sometimes, but we don't have to simply take those transitions as losses. If we do it right, they can and should propel us forward into newer and better versions of ourselves.

Back to marriage: The reality is that those of us in the West are likely to live into our 80's and beyond. That means that if you get married in your 20's, your marriage is likely to last 60+ years if it truly goes until death. The idea of a 60+ year long marriage is wonderful, romantic, and quite amazing. But it absolutely isn't right for everyone. This book and the uncoupling framework more broadly, offer a humane and kind way to deal with the inevitability that many couples are not going to last forever.

I grew up with divorced parents who mistrusted and hated each other. I was not yet 2 when they broke up, but based on what I have heard, they each were hurt and disappointed by the other and they acted like heartbroken teenagers when it didn't work out. They never worked out their differences despite sharing a child, and when my mom passed away when I was 12, there was no shared foundation upon which to build a new family and I ended up losing touch with everyone on my mom's side. Divorce ought to be normal and less stigmatized, because not everyone should stay together forever. But isolating kids and splitting up families because the parents can't or don't want to stay married should be. Let's do better.

[KD · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would buy this book. And read it again. There were so many parts of this book that I resonated with. She would have amazing metaphors that spoke to the deep pain of breaking up. The questions she would ask, the lists, the way she held your heart and said “sweetheart,” the compassionate ways to talk to yourself. The tools to use when moving through a break up and that in-between space were great and ones that I have done a lot of.

What has the longevity of a union done to your soul?

Love withdrawal mirrors drug withdrawal.
The anxious parts of us who feel rejected reach out to not feel rejected.

Abandoned- primary attachment disappears our brains go hay wire signaling fight or flight hormones.

Trying to help people move on from someone they devalue the relationship you had. Diminish their humanity - “they are a dumbass” “they don’t deserve you” just to try and help you get over them easier. Disconnect from the one we used to love is a bandaid. Hating, hardens your heart.

Music is the space between the notes.

The brain is to keep us safe. It’s not prone to let go of a primary attachment. Even the relationship is toxic the brain doesn’t want to let the relationship go.
Research shows being rejected in the brain an alertness as a primal threat. When in a tribe and one is rejected that triggers life or death. Survival. When in a relationship our hearts panic and race when partners want to leave. The brain holds on for dear life.

You heal a broken heart and attend to it as you would a broken bone.

Honorably end a union. Good will respect generosity intentional to agree to ways to move forward that align.

Fear regulation - finding ways to self-soothe. Fear doesn’t sit in our thinking brain but in our amygdala.

Understand our role in the partnership. Each action and choice we make can grow a bountiful life.

Goal is to be free, to move forward happy and healthy good life for self. Grow beautiful lives. How to turn to a harmonious ending…
Heart felt blessing.

A new narrative for the end of love - “you never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model, that makes the existing model obsolete.”
Conscious uncoupling is creating a new life affirming way. Opens up a world of possibilities for broken up couples.

Chapter 4:
Our next love will be how we end this love. Good endings are well worth the climb. Baggage left barrier just don’t go away they lie and wait on another potential partner. And leak onto yourself.
Conscious uncoupling ends things in integrity truth and goodness and honor. Give it all you got dignity.

Coming to a conclusion first use a therapist to make sure both want this ending.
Find the courage to share feelings with your partner without shame or blame so you both have a chance to address or mend to understand impact or rectify.

Damaging behaviors that jeopardize the safety & trust of the relationship.

Residue builds up and resentment is stored in our body. And we don’t end in a way we would prefer. Over time we fall out of love. Maybe our values shift. And we change and our partner doesn’t align.

Staying together through the hard times can be nobel and beautiful choice. Demonstrating high levels of commitment and character.

As a recommendation you try to be 100% willing to let the relationship go if it reveals that it’s the right thing to do.

“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”
- Kahlil Gibran

Letting go of hope can sweep a cascade of grief over a person. It’s somber and lonely experience. Like unplugging someone from a ventilator. Face the loss head on. Surrender to reality. The commitment between you has been compromised and you are not a couple. The relationship that we shared has to die. We do not know if a healthier and happier one will be born in its place. And by insuring that you do get that second chance is to consciously end or have conscious closure with the one you’re in.

Making amends to yourself.
Taking back your power.
Holding yourself accountable for what you contributed in the partnership. What patterns did you bring forward?
Taking care of yourself and doing self care during this time of grief.
Go inward and start healing.

Journaling :
1. Who do you resent and for what? It sits in your body. If we don’t let it out.
2. What can you take responsibility for in each situation? In what ways did I give my power away. Dismissed my feelings or asking for clarification? What choices did I make and what motivated me.
3. What else cost you to give power away like this? Unwilling to set appropriate boundaries. Withholding my truth…
4. What amends do you need to make to yourself? I commit to honoring my feelings and needs as much as others. Before getting sexually involved I will wait and get to know them, act on my own intuition.
5. What new skills and capacities will you now need to develop to live this way consistently? Identify what feelings and needs are. Or identify what this is…boundaries, not tolerant behavior that isn’t kind.

Release this person from our life.
Source fracture story - the beliefs we have formed long ago. The meaning we gave to our original hurt in your heart that became your underlying narrative about yourself and the possibilities you hold for happy healthy love.

We see life not as it is but as we are.

What am I making this break up about me?
- I’m not loved
- Not wanted
- Rejected
- Not good enough
- I’m a failure
- My love life is cursed
- Dangerous to get close

Name source fracture story. I’m not valuable. I have to work so hard.

How old is this part of you? How big is the energy held in the center. How old is this story.

* Someone else gets to have all of him
* He’s throwing this all away
* He doesn’t want me or us
* Give up all that we built
* I don’t get to spend my life with him
* Walking away
* It was too short of a time
* He’s leaving (men leave)
* I’m not worthy enough for him to stay - wound is saying “If only he chose differently, this wouldn’t hurt.”
* His desire for kids, his uncertainty, his emotional ambivalence… those are his things. They are not reflections of my worthiness or my lovability. I am not unworthy of him staying, He was unable to stay in a way that honored you.

Write 20 things you are happy to be loosing
Write 20 things you are gaining by loosing this relationship.
Write 20 things that on how this disappointment was the best thing that ever happened to you.

It can take 1000 times to consciously choose not to think about the past. To consciously and intentionally choose to not think about the future that you wanted so badly. To mourn that future.

Forgiveness - live from the wisest part of you. Give peace a chance. Withdrawing attachment for the impact of their behavior had on you. We will no longer be affected what happened.
What can I hold responsible for in how I co-creation situation?

When we feel betrayed or rejected it’s in our biology to feel anger, enraged or upset. We have a choice in how we react or behave.

Entanglement - quantum mechanics

Wanting patterns to not continue when going to the next relationship.
What are the hurts and disappointments still residing inside of you? What hurts are still impacting you?
Willing to acknowledge and take ownership of the impact of behavior on partner.

To listen what partner is saying without getting defensive. Listen with presence and allow them to share regardless if they are telling the story accurately. Try to see it from their perspective.
Most behaviors are unintended and we unconsciously repeat old patterns.
Don’t move on until you truly feel your partner can see/understand the impact of choices and or behavior had on you.

Can we restore wholeness after the understanding of impact. Make amends to not repeat the pattern.

“Relationships that don’t end peacefully don’t end at all”

We are relational creatures and born for bonding. A break-up is deconstructing and reconstructing what was, what could have been. Study’s show the exact same brain patterns as a death of a loved one. We are deeply dependent on the connections we form.
The loss of love is no small matter for the tender human heart. The human brain can become highly reactive which can send urgent signals of distress. Anxiety, obsessed to connect with lost love, seeing him or her everywhere you go, the desire to curl up and die. After trying to bargain with your partner to return - you may be living in a bottom abyss of grief and despair and all the feelings that come with this.

Ending of love can be hard on the heart. Break ups are underrated traumas
- to not be chosen by the one you’ve chosen.
- To feel abandoned by the one who kept you safe against the world.
- To be unwanted and rejected by the one who knew you best.
- The one you chose to not show up in ways which would allow for your relationship to work.
These are alarming and overwhelming, disorienting experiences. They can unleash storms of sorrow that threaten to engulf you.

[Maxine · Rating 5 out of 5]

2020
I have done a ton of work on myself over the years trying to let go of the relationship with my ex-boyfriend.

I'd heard of the book some time ago, and then someone I met in LA in 2019, recommended this book to me, as he is a relationship coach and one of Katherines coaches. I finally bought and read the book.

I took my time working through all the journal exercises. I found it an emotional experience, and liked the way that the process allowed me to remember the good things about my ex, while also helping me to get real about the relationship, taking responsibility for my own part in why the relationship ended. The soul communication method helped me to have the conversations with my ex that I can't do face to face.

Only time will tell, but I'm hopeful that this book might just be the last book I need to read, to allow me to let go and move forward to begin a new phase in my life, with a new love.

2022
I recently broken up with my boyfriend, so knew that working through this book again would help me to uncouple from him.

I can see from my journal this time and last time, that this relationship was much better than my previous one, which is good, and I still have some work to do, when I'm ready for a new relationship.

[Ulises Perez-Sanchez · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is not just for those who want to have closure or to end a relationship without violence or hatred. This book is for those who keep living their lives unconsciously anchored to the past. Also, it does not necessarily have to do with a romantic relationship, but any type of relationship. Whether it’s professional, related to friendship, mentorship, familiar, or any other you can think of. You will understand through this book that people do not necessarily change at the end of a relationship, neither have they lied about who they were. You will get to know what biological reasons and repercussions happen to human beings at the end of a relationship, or just the prospect of the end. This book goes hand-in-hand with the course by the same name within the Mindvalley platform.

You can do this book together with your soon-to-be-ex, or just do it alone. I think in this day and age the information contained within these pages is more than necessary. You owe it to yourself and your future you, to read this book.

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book about 5 years after going through a difficult break up. It is a good book to read whether you’ve just ended your relationship or whether it’s been a while since it ended. This book does comes from a place of privilege and not all recommendations are feasible for everyone. However, this book does offer helpful coping mechanisms, a way to understand and validate what you are feeling, and takes into account the lives of all members involved in a break up and helps to build everyone up rather than tear down. A great read!

[Emily Empey · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW! It was so good! A couple takeaways



-Do not be a victim… Reclaim your life and healing… It is OK to cry and feel your feelings, but don’t stay a victim

-Make amends with yourself - evolve from being a victim

-If you don’t like to be a door mat- GET OFF THE FLOOR

-Don’t tell your story in a victim narrative

[Eileen · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best client facing books I’ve ever read, formatting is so great, resources are so useful and each chapter reflects therapy room level processing for those who can’t attend therapy post breakup, or who want additional work between sessions

[Mac Nies · Rating 4 out of 5]

This helped me process and find some closure from a really traumatic experience.

[Frank Moses · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wonderfully crafted book, based on our shared humanity, that guides the way on how to close a chapter of our lives, regardless of hurts or disappointments, in such a way that honors the love we experienced and shared, while nourishing our hearts through grace and space—ultimately lifting our spirits and moving us closer to actualizing ourselves and love, in whatever form those aspire toward.

This work, honestly embraced, and earnestly performed, will help us re-discover and cultivate the love already inside ourselves … wherever we are or go, and at any and every moment.

Where are you?… Here.

What time is it?… Now.

[Jung · Rating 1 out of 5]

F*CK RELATIONSH!TS

Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After - Book by Katherine Woodward Thomas

We need to divorce ourselves from the idea that romantic relationships are meant to last forever. A relationship that ends in a loving, respectful separation isn’t a failure. In fact, a separation is a precious opportunity to grow: to practice kindness to your partner and yourself; to take stock of your life’s hopes and dreams; and to travel down a more rewarding path. 

Actionable advice: 

Learn the new lingo!

Break-up. Divorce. Ex-partner. A lot of the language around separation can feel inescapably negative. Some therapists encourage using updated, more positive terms. You’re not getting a divorce; you’re getting a wevorce. They’re not your ex; they’re your wasband or your werewife. Your former brother-in-law is now your brother-out-law. And if these strike you as too silly to say out loud, just say them to yourself. You might find they make a big difference!

---

A conscious uncoupling is a respectful, generous, and loving separation.

You’ve probably heard of conscious uncoupling. In fact, ever since a breakup announcement was posted online by a certain well-known actress and her musician husband – yes, that would be Gwyneth Paltrow and Chirs Martin – the words conscious uncoupling have entered the mainstream lexicon. But do you know what conscious uncoupling actually entails?

Imagine an openhearted breakup, characterized by kindness, generosity, and forgiveness. A process for separation that avoids those primal urges to diminish, badmouth, or lash out at your partner. Sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it? 

But it’s not new-age nonsense. In fact, conscious uncoupling is rooted in the ancient Buddhist notion of karma. Karma teaches that your actions toward others are seeds that, when planted, blossom in your life. 

Conscious uncoupling applies this principle in the context of your breakup. If your intention is to punish your partner, extract justice, and exact revenge, then you’ll only succeed in planting the seeds of animosity and bitterness. Acting toward your partner with generosity, kindness, and forgiveness will invite generosity, kindness, and forgiveness into your life – as well as theirs.

Essentially, conscious uncoupling asks you to consider how your actions during your breakup will bear fruit in your life. Are you salting the earth, or are you creating a fertile compost from which a new life, new loves, and new passions can grow?

The latter option sounds like the perfect way to move on from your partner. But conscious uncoupling might not be perfect for everyone. Please note that the method isn’t suitable for anyone trapped in an abusive relationship.

So, would conscious uncoupling work for you? To answer that question, ask yourself the following: Do you have an authentic desire to end your relationship – and to end it well? Is all hope lost for lasting future happiness in your relationship? Have you talked through your feelings about your relationship with your partner? Have you taken concrete steps to address fundamental problems in your relationship, without success?

If you answered yes to all four of these questions, you’re probably a great candidate for conscious uncoupling.

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It’s time to move on, and move into your new, liberated life.

It seems like all fairy tales end in the same way, with the prince and princess married off and those six little words: And they lived happily ever after. 

Now that you’re nearing the end of your conscious uncoupling, you know how unproductive it is to cling to the idea of ever after. But that doesn’t mean you can’t create your own fairy-tale ending. Welcome to your happily even after.

The final step in your conscious uncoupling is to create your happily even after life. 

Inside a relationship, no matter how dysfunctional, the prospect of separation can feel like the end of the world. But the worst thing you could have imagined might just be the best thing that’s ever happened to you. You’re liberated. Liberated to reconnect with yourself, to reimagine your life, to reset your course. You’re liberated – if you can let yourself admit it.

There are all kinds of factors that can hinder your happily even after. But, with care and consciousness, you can overcome them all. Here are some of the most common obstacles on your path to freedom and happiness:

First, you might have decided to “stay friends” with your ex. Trying to force the friendship too soon can leave you attached to your ex, stopping you both from moving on. Now is the time to give each other some space. Once you’ve healed, you can find your way back to each other to forge a new and fulfilling platonic connection.

Second, you might be thinking of your kids. For parents, creating a sense of normalcy for their children is a top priority. But there’s no normalcy in the aftermath of a separation. Pretending that Mom and Dad are just the same as before – only in different houses – keeps you unhealthily bonded to your ex. And it stops your children from processing their own grief and anger. 

Finally, you might be stuck in the painful process of dividing assets. Remember, just because you can get something doesn’t mean you should. Consider the mental cost of fighting with your ex over every last scrap. Sometimes, the most spiritually profitable tactic is to let go gracefully and get started on your new life.

[Satoita · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book I feel is essential for everyone as it points out inevitable, normal changes we all go through not only in romantic relationships but relationships of all kinds including the one we have with society. I also appreciate the practical help provided, especially the rituals to help move through difficult psychological changes.

[Hannah Choate · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book elevated my perspective, helped me explore the ways in which I am responsible for where I have wound up, and helped me heal. I feel so much more empowered to not make the same mistakes again. This book helped me forgive myself, as well as my partner. Overall a great read. I have a feeling I will be revisiting this book again to see what new nuggets I can pick up.

[Brenda Finn · Rating 4 out of 5]

A refreshing & compassionate alternative to the typical way we separate/divorce, full of reflections, exercises, & insights as you go through the grieving process. Biggest takeaway (for me) is to give yourself grace, time & compassion just as you would anyone else, including your ex-partner.

[G Christina · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great self-help for uncoupled and maybe even avoiding it. Or realizing you need it.

[Marcus · Rating 4 out of 5]

very good!

[Joni Roe · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐️