Good Evening, Flowers.
And welcome to my review. It will grab you... drag you.... throw you into a very non-cliche white van... rename you.... and turn you into my flower mwahaha! But don't you dare pollenate, because pollenating is for sluts.
He's a maaaaaniac, maaaaniac!
*dramatic pause*
Let me begin by saying that I am quite possibly the biggest crime show freak to ever exist in this world. When I'm not watching Ina Garten, you will find me cuddled under the blankets watching a Criminal Minds marathon or Law and Order: SVU. So when I find a book written from the POV of a kidnapped victim... you better believe I'll be all up on that chiznit. I was very excited to start this book, hoping for some mutilation (as one does), and expecting to be thrown into the most twisted and creepy episode of Criminal Minds.
Unfortunately, I was instead thrown into a Lifetime Movie written by an orangutan in dire need of a thesaurus who also works part-time as a florist.
Oh, The Cellar, where to begin.
For starters, I blame Summer's immature personality and idiotic thought process to be of blame for the *majority* of my distaste towards this book. I say *majority*, because while Summer played a big role, Lewis was basically a 12-year-old girl and Clover (*cackle cackle cackle*) was less of a, and I quote, "psychotic freak", and more of a mommy's boy in need of a hug.
But first, I would like to discuss everyone's favorite blue eyed blond haired brainless British broad - Summer.
Summer, summer, summer. You remind me why I am a winter person. I wish I could have empathized with you. If not for your limited vocabulary, embarrassingly childish thought process, awkward dialogue in what should have been "terrifying" situations, and overall personality, maybe we could have gotten along. Maybe.
Summer's way of expressing her emotions was often:
1. crying
2. crying
3. crying over Lewis
4. crying over being named a flower (god, doesn't he know she has allergies!!!!!)
5. prostitutes - don't ask
6. stupid jokes (as in - "Maybe he's polishing off his crazy of the year trophy")
7. taking showers
8. wishing she were with Lewis
9. yelling at Rose
10. calling clover a "psychotic freak!!!!" as if that will a. make a difference and b. do anything except deepen my hate for her
Ta da! Character rundown 101 FTW.
She sucked and I would have rather read from the POV of an intoxicated monkey.
Next up - My dear, dear, Clover.
Wait for it....
Wait for it........
Wait for it.............
HAHAHAHHA! HAHAHAH! Hahahahah! Hahah. Haha. Ha.
Whew. Needed to let that loose.
Oh Clover/Colin, you are the biggest disgrace of a psychopath I have ever had the displeasure of knowing.
1st off, let me say that his "reason" for being the murderer/rapist/flower enthusiast he is could quite possibly be the most cliche story I have ever encountered in my entire reading life. It's like Preston took the most stereotypical story possible and used it. Seriously. Daddy cheated on mommy with prostitute, mommy hates prostitutes, therefore son hates prostitutes, son kills prostitutes because mommy "tells" him too, mommy likes flowers, son likes flowers, son uses a lot of hairspray, son abducts "pure" girls and grows a family .
But hey! At least he has good hygiene.
What a wimpy psychopath. I swear, if he abducted me, I would tell him to kiss my pure white ass and mess up his hair.
Also - every time he said "Good Evening, Flowers" I facepalmed so hard and laughed so loud I'm pretty sure my neighbors heard me.
*deep breath*
Next up!
Summer's girlfriend - crap, sorry, boyfriend - Lewis.
Lewis! Lewis! Lewis! I think your panties are showing!
Jesus. Couldn't we at least have had the boyfriend be somewhat tolerable? Yes? No? Dammit.
I think Summer's abduction was the one thrilling thing that has happened to Lewis in a very very very long time. I mean, it must be boring being so handsome, so popular, and so sociable, am I right? Life is so dull when you're like, basically, the most sought after guy in school. Snore.
He cursed too much, he whined too much, and the only thing that weirded me out more than Clover's conversation with his flowers during meal times, was Lewis and Summer's dialogue during sex. Like, during. While he was... just, you get the picture.
"Do you want to stop?"
"No! I like being this close to you, and, anyway, I'll be okay after a few minutes."
Just give me a few minutes, and you know, you'll be done and this can be over with, finally. But I guess this was fun, sort of. God, I'm hungry. Do you want pizza?
Does this weird anyone else out? Ugh. I hate when authors write dialogue during sex. Just like.... no. Please. No.
Lewis was a pansy (lol flower puns) and he is the reason I think boys are weird.
The whole scenario Summer had to endure practically made me pee my pants. The designated meal times, the awkward small talk, and the obsessive cleanliness Clover so obviously possessed made me practically pray for someone to sh!t on the floor, just to see his reaction. I found myself laughing where I probably should have been crying (when Summer finally bitch slapped Clover in the end) and the only reason I enjoyed reading this book was the notion that I get to mock it when I'm done. I still can't get over the whole flower-renaming scheme. By far one of the most ridiculous/hilarious things I have ever encountered with a murder/psycho. I mean ever. And I've seen a man dress up corpses as old Hollywood film stars. And then have sex with them. But flowers? That takes the cake.
~
If you haven't gotten the gist yet, this book was most certainly not my cup of tea. I'm sorry if insulted any of you personally, but I did what had to be done shamelessly and without regret. This book's idiocy hit me on an emotional level, so I had to release the kraken. The kraken may be a blubbering idiot, but is nonetheless, a kraken.
Anyway - Happy August.
I am leaving The Cellar and I'm sure as hell never going back.
Good Evening, Flowers.
*sashays aways*