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The Emotional Affair: How to Recognize Emotional Infidelity and What to Do About It
The Emotional Affair is the only book on the market for couples seeking to cope with and recover from one partner's emotional affair. Although emotional affairs often do not include physical intimacy, they can take away from the relationship by encouraging one partner to get his or her emotional needs met elsewhere, and by bringing secrecy and deception into the relationship, which damages trust just as surely as if the partner had slept with the other person.
Emotional affairs share three characteristics:
Emotional intimacy. Transgressors share more of their inner self, frustrations and triumphs than with their spouses. They are on a slippery slope when they begin sharing the dissatisfaction with their marriage with a co-worker. Secrecy and deception. They neglect to say, We meet every morning for coffee. Once the lying starts, the intimacy shifts farther away from the marriage. Sexual chemistry. Even though the two may not act on the chemistry, there is at least an unacknowledged sexual attraction.
Often, people whose partners have emotional affairs either don't feel like they have a right to put an end to it (after all, the other person is just a friend and not a lover), or they have to contend with the cheating person's evasions and justifications (we work together, we're not having an affair), and accusations that the jealousy or insecurity is not justified. It can be difficult to think of an emotional affair as a problem, even if it's causing the partner worry, jealousy, insecurity, and the loss of emotional connection to the cheating partner.
This book helps the reader explore whether or not the partner is having an emotional affair and then offers steps to discovering the roots of the problem, making changes in the relationship, discussing the issue with the cheating partner, and recovering from the breach of trust and intimacy caused by the affair.
Emotional affairs share three characteristics:
Emotional intimacy. Transgressors share more of their inner self, frustrations and triumphs than with their spouses. They are on a slippery slope when they begin sharing the dissatisfaction with their marriage with a co-worker. Secrecy and deception. They neglect to say, We meet every morning for coffee. Once the lying starts, the intimacy shifts farther away from the marriage. Sexual chemistry. Even though the two may not act on the chemistry, there is at least an unacknowledged sexual attraction.
Often, people whose partners have emotional affairs either don't feel like they have a right to put an end to it (after all, the other person is just a friend and not a lover), or they have to contend with the cheating person's evasions and justifications (we work together, we're not having an affair), and accusations that the jealousy or insecurity is not justified. It can be difficult to think of an emotional affair as a problem, even if it's causing the partner worry, jealousy, insecurity, and the loss of emotional connection to the cheating partner.
This book helps the reader explore whether or not the partner is having an emotional affair and then offers steps to discovering the roots of the problem, making changes in the relationship, discussing the issue with the cheating partner, and recovering from the breach of trust and intimacy caused by the affair.
184 pages, Paperback
First published April 1, 2007
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July 15, 2021
Potter-Efron, Ronald T. and Patricia S. Potter-Efron. The Emotional Affair: How to Recognize Emotional Infidelity and What To Do About It. New Harbinger, 2008.
Dr. Potter-Efron and his spouse Pat Potter-Efron define an emotional as “an intense, primarily emotional, nonsexual relationship that diminishes at least one person’s emotional connection with his or her committed partner.” Emotional engaging and emotional investment in the primary relationships gushes away into this emotional affair, leaving less energy (sometimes little at all) for the committed partnership. That the relationship is nonsexual quells little distress, and for some people, may even cause more distress and fear for some people because the affair cannot be dismissed as an outlet of physical release or a dalliance in weakness.
The Potter-Efrons work from a systemic mindset. With the primary relationship a Venn diagram of me, you, and us, each section must be considered in exploring the invalidation, hopelessness, and other dynamics which might have led to the affair. Even focusing on the third party (the one outside of the primary relationship) too much withers away at the primary relationship and its partners looking at their own part in the couple’s cycle that paved the way to the emotional affair. Quite the contrary to being mercilessly blaming, by looking at contributions and dynamics, the Potter-Efrons see the best chance for understanding, vulnerability, and having the best shot at turning away from the third party to rebuild the committed partnership. For the partner who is having the emotional affair, giving it up invites grief, and in the grief of what is missing and the vulnerable discussion of what led up to the partner seeking an emotional affair, a new relationship can be born.
The book begins with a checklist to help readers determine if their partner might be having an emotional affair. The checklist, edging someone toward painful realization, could easily and understandably overwhelm a reader with heartbreak and powerful emotion that demands to be seen, but the Potter-Efrons urge readers to hold back from discussing the situation too soon. Even if it’s just a few days to gain some emotional balance, they advise, do so. Strong emotions are ripe for “hot” actions (blaming, screaming, attacking, hostility) which, in the end, may collapse a relationship under their weight.
After the checklist, the Potter-Efrons describe the why’s of emotional affairs (lack of praise, freedom, feeling unappreciated and disconnected) and then share behaviors to practice while discussing the affair. These behaviors have to do with being assertive, specific in your hurts and the behaviors that for you define the emotional affair and your bottom lines (and also the flexibilities) of what you need to feel and see from your partner. People need to be clear in sharing how the emotional affair affects them in the relationship’s climate. If at any time emotional balance is lost, it is best to wide the wave of feeling and take a break from the discussion until it crests. From these painful conversations, a different relationship may be in store.
The Potter-Efons discuss how a reader who might be having an emotional affair can determine if their outside connection has gone from time-limited, nonsexual friendship to the level of a third or exit or competing attachment where the third party siphons off too much connection for the partner. A great defining question not explicitly written in the book: what is your partner’s experience of your third party connection?
Another chapter is devoted to the long road of recovery. It is a period of potential growth, trust, hope, and sharing feelings in a state of regard and listening and holding space. The Potter-Efrons see forgiveness as an necessary eventuality, constructed over time.
One thing to be aware of is the chapter on internet affairs. These function much the same way as geographically close emotional affairs, and even with changing technology and the explosion of social media and smartphones since 2008, much of the final chapter still rings true as the need for human connection has nothing to do with technological innovation. The online environments invites social psychological phenomenon like social desirability and self-presentation to run free, along with anonymity and passwords to mask outsourcing too much connection from the relationship.
Human connection is hard. Human connection brings about the greatest joys and the most cutting pain, flaring emotions and old raw spots and creating new relational injuries. A book won’t keep you safe from relationship failure nor be a container for vulnerability so if emotional cruelty and entrenchment and heat linger on, this book is highly recommend as an adjunct to therapy.
***For more relationship resources, please visit my website, www.thecouplessyllabus.com ***
Dr. Potter-Efron and his spouse Pat Potter-Efron define an emotional as “an intense, primarily emotional, nonsexual relationship that diminishes at least one person’s emotional connection with his or her committed partner.” Emotional engaging and emotional investment in the primary relationships gushes away into this emotional affair, leaving less energy (sometimes little at all) for the committed partnership. That the relationship is nonsexual quells little distress, and for some people, may even cause more distress and fear for some people because the affair cannot be dismissed as an outlet of physical release or a dalliance in weakness.
The Potter-Efrons work from a systemic mindset. With the primary relationship a Venn diagram of me, you, and us, each section must be considered in exploring the invalidation, hopelessness, and other dynamics which might have led to the affair. Even focusing on the third party (the one outside of the primary relationship) too much withers away at the primary relationship and its partners looking at their own part in the couple’s cycle that paved the way to the emotional affair. Quite the contrary to being mercilessly blaming, by looking at contributions and dynamics, the Potter-Efrons see the best chance for understanding, vulnerability, and having the best shot at turning away from the third party to rebuild the committed partnership. For the partner who is having the emotional affair, giving it up invites grief, and in the grief of what is missing and the vulnerable discussion of what led up to the partner seeking an emotional affair, a new relationship can be born.
The book begins with a checklist to help readers determine if their partner might be having an emotional affair. The checklist, edging someone toward painful realization, could easily and understandably overwhelm a reader with heartbreak and powerful emotion that demands to be seen, but the Potter-Efrons urge readers to hold back from discussing the situation too soon. Even if it’s just a few days to gain some emotional balance, they advise, do so. Strong emotions are ripe for “hot” actions (blaming, screaming, attacking, hostility) which, in the end, may collapse a relationship under their weight.
After the checklist, the Potter-Efrons describe the why’s of emotional affairs (lack of praise, freedom, feeling unappreciated and disconnected) and then share behaviors to practice while discussing the affair. These behaviors have to do with being assertive, specific in your hurts and the behaviors that for you define the emotional affair and your bottom lines (and also the flexibilities) of what you need to feel and see from your partner. People need to be clear in sharing how the emotional affair affects them in the relationship’s climate. If at any time emotional balance is lost, it is best to wide the wave of feeling and take a break from the discussion until it crests. From these painful conversations, a different relationship may be in store.
The Potter-Efons discuss how a reader who might be having an emotional affair can determine if their outside connection has gone from time-limited, nonsexual friendship to the level of a third or exit or competing attachment where the third party siphons off too much connection for the partner. A great defining question not explicitly written in the book: what is your partner’s experience of your third party connection?
Another chapter is devoted to the long road of recovery. It is a period of potential growth, trust, hope, and sharing feelings in a state of regard and listening and holding space. The Potter-Efrons see forgiveness as an necessary eventuality, constructed over time.
One thing to be aware of is the chapter on internet affairs. These function much the same way as geographically close emotional affairs, and even with changing technology and the explosion of social media and smartphones since 2008, much of the final chapter still rings true as the need for human connection has nothing to do with technological innovation. The online environments invites social psychological phenomenon like social desirability and self-presentation to run free, along with anonymity and passwords to mask outsourcing too much connection from the relationship.
Human connection is hard. Human connection brings about the greatest joys and the most cutting pain, flaring emotions and old raw spots and creating new relational injuries. A book won’t keep you safe from relationship failure nor be a container for vulnerability so if emotional cruelty and entrenchment and heat linger on, this book is highly recommend as an adjunct to therapy.
***For more relationship resources, please visit my website, www.thecouplessyllabus.com ***
January 23, 2016
Honestly, not the most insightful book on the subject.
Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews