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Studies in Jungian Psychology by Jungian Analysts #79
Райският проект: в търсене на Магическия Друг
"Книгата представлява есе върху психодинамиката на връзките. Целта ѝ е евристична, да провокира мисълта и отговора, и да послужи като един вид коректив на широкоразпространените фантазии за връзките, с които е пренаситена нашата култура. Тя не е замислена като практически наръчник за това как да поправим една връзка. По-скоро е опит да се предизвика по-дълбок размисъл върху природата на връзката, да се отправи предизвикателство към по-голямата лична отговорност във връзките и да вдъхнови желанието за лично израстване, като противодейства на илюзията за спасение чрез другите."
226 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 1998
204 people are currently reading
4464 people want to read
About the author
James Hollis
53 books940 followersJames Hollis, Ph. D., was born in Springfield, Illinois, and graduated from Manchester University in 1962 and Drew University in 1967. He taught Humanities 26 years in various colleges and universities before retraining as a Jungian analyst at the Jung Institute of Zurich, Switzerland (1977-82). He is presently a licensed Jungian analyst in private practice in Washington, D.C. He served as Executive Director of the Jung Educational Center in Houston, Texas for many years and now was Executive Director of the Jung Society of Washington until 2019, and now serves on the JSW Board of Directors. He is a retired Senior Training Analyst for the Inter-Regional Society of Jungian Analysts, was first Director of Training of the Philadelphia Jung Institute, and is Vice-President Emeritus of the Philemon Foundation. Additionally he is a Professor of Jungian Studies for Saybrook University of San Francisco/Houston.
He lives with his wife Jill, an artist and retired therapist, in Washington, DC. Together they have three living children and eight grand-children.
He has written a total of seventeen books, which have been translated into Swedish, Russian, German, Spanish, French, Hungarian, Portuguese, Turkish, Italian, Korean, Finnish, Romanian, Bulgarian, Farsi, Japanese, Greek, Chinese, Serbian, Latvian, Ukranian and Czech.
He lives with his wife Jill, an artist and retired therapist, in Washington, DC. Together they have three living children and eight grand-children.
He has written a total of seventeen books, which have been translated into Swedish, Russian, German, Spanish, French, Hungarian, Portuguese, Turkish, Italian, Korean, Finnish, Romanian, Bulgarian, Farsi, Japanese, Greek, Chinese, Serbian, Latvian, Ukranian and Czech.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 145 reviews
August 16, 2016
This is my fourth Hollis book. Am I addicted? Possibly. The truth is, I have never found Jungian ideas so accessible or so relevant - that is until I read Hollis. I'm finding the framework of Jungian analysis such an enlightening tool to use when thinking about self and others. This book is a slim book but it packs a lot in. What it did for me was to unravel the romanticised fantasies that permeate modern culture.
Hollis suggests that two great ideas or complexes animate the lives of us all:
The fantasy of immortality
The fantasy of the magical Other
This book deal with the fantasy of the magical other, "not just as a relief from this world's pain, an anodyne to boredom and depression, but a recovery of that fabled Eden one seeks in the labyrinth of our history. Nothing has greater power over our lives than the hint, the promise, the intimation of the recovery of Eden through that magical Other."
But there can be no real Other. There is only another human being who we project all our psychic detritus on to, much of which was created in our childhood experiences. "The parental complexes are usually the most influential because they constitute the original experience of relationship and remain its chief paradigm"
To have a relationship with a real other is to firstly reign in all your own projections in order to truly see the person. However, as all projections are unconscious the need for this type of work on the psyche usually rises only due to the suffering that follows the erosion of the projection.
However the work to understand oneself is an essential aspect of relationship. Being with an other needs to be recognised as a challenge to greater individual responsibility in a relationship. The relationship providing the environment for personal growth not providing a rescue.
Hollis suggests that two great ideas or complexes animate the lives of us all:
The fantasy of immortality
The fantasy of the magical Other
This book deal with the fantasy of the magical other, "not just as a relief from this world's pain, an anodyne to boredom and depression, but a recovery of that fabled Eden one seeks in the labyrinth of our history. Nothing has greater power over our lives than the hint, the promise, the intimation of the recovery of Eden through that magical Other."
But there can be no real Other. There is only another human being who we project all our psychic detritus on to, much of which was created in our childhood experiences. "The parental complexes are usually the most influential because they constitute the original experience of relationship and remain its chief paradigm"
To have a relationship with a real other is to firstly reign in all your own projections in order to truly see the person. However, as all projections are unconscious the need for this type of work on the psyche usually rises only due to the suffering that follows the erosion of the projection.
However the work to understand oneself is an essential aspect of relationship. Being with an other needs to be recognised as a challenge to greater individual responsibility in a relationship. The relationship providing the environment for personal growth not providing a rescue.
June 13, 2017
This book was the the tipping point in my recent exploration of the Jungian genre. I now officially self-identify as a Jungian. Powerful book that lays out the psychological process of our yearning and search for "the one".
This short book is now a must-read in my view. Its 144 pages but the main meat and power in this book is the first 3 chapters, a total of 85 pages.
The Eden Project - Part 1 of 3: Understanding Our Yearning For Connection and How It Can Destroy Our Relationships.
This series, consisting of 3 notes that I hope to publish, lays out the fundamental psychological process of what’s happening beneath the surface when we seek a soulmate or romantic partner. It’s quite the disturbing eye-opener for those of us who consider ourselves “romantics,” and “searching for our one true love.” The first note deals primarily with the difficulty of two people trying to genuinely connect beneath all the layers of false expectations and pre-programmed ideas of what a relationship is actually all about. Before anyone becomes too despondent about the seemingly impossibility of having a genuine relationship, hang in there for parts 2 and 3 which will lay out a pathway for healthy and successful relationships. It is not easy and there is a lot to overcome in the process, but it can lead to genuine and lasting relationships.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following are crucial excerpts from this eye-opening book:
The Eden Project – In Search of the Magical Other – James Hollis
A Jungian Perspective on Relationship
This book is essentially an essay on the psychodynamics of relationship. Its intention is heuristic [Enabling a person to discover or learn something for themselves], to provoke thought and response, and to serve as a sort of corrective to the generalized fantasies about relationships that permeate our culture.
It is not meant to be a practical guide on how to fix a relationship. Rather it is an effort to evoke deeper reflection on the nature of relationship, to provide a challenge to enlarged personal responsibility in relationships, and to inspire a desire for personal growth as opposed to the fantasy of rescue through others. Its premises may be disappointing to some, and as a matter of fact I don’t care much for them myself, but they are, I believe, more practical and more ethical than the many alternatives that float through our popular culture.
…If there is a single idea which permeates this essay it is that the quality of all our relationships is a direct function of our relationship to ourselves. Since much of our relationship to ourselves operate at an unconscious level, most of the drama and dynamics of our relationships to other and to the transcendent is expressive of our own personal psychology. The best thing we can do for our relationships with others, and with the transcendent, then, is to render our relationship to ourselves more conscious.
This is not a narcissistic activity. In fact, it will prove to be the most loving thing we can do for the Other. The greatest gift to other is our own best selves. Thus, paradoxically, if we are to serve relationships well, we are obliged to affirm our individual journey. - Pages – 12, 13
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is no accident that all peoples, past and present, have had their mythology of a lost paradise. …Perhaps this tribal memory is but the neurological hologram of our own birth trauma, a separation from which we never fully recover. Perhaps a clue may be found in the two trees of Eden in Genesis. One is the Tree of Life and the other is the Tree of Knowledge. Of the former one may eat, but eating of the latter begins the joyless trek out of Paradise.
…Once the dream-time in the Garden is truncated, the shock of separation is so systemic, so seismic, that it remains imprinted on the neurological pathways, abiding in the unconscious as lost connectedness. It is no accident that the primary motive, the hidden agenda in any relationship, is the yearning to return. It is the cardinal’s project, the Eden project, the professed aim of the Romantic poets, the yearning of the Beloved. - Pages – 15, 16, 17
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is impossible for the parent to wholly manage the task of providing connection with the child while at the same time progressively separating. So the toddler wails, when the parent goes out of sight. Even when diverted or mollified, the child still does not forget these injuries. Thrown by fate into this family or that, the child can only read the environment for clues. This reading is necessarily partial, that is, limited to that specific family, without awareness that an infinite variety of other models are possible. But from such partial views of the world huge decisions are made before there is sufficient consciousness to allow a differentiated understanding. - Page – 18
…As birth itself seems a kind of gigantic, systemic wound… The British psychiatrist D.W. Winnicott coined the expression “good enough” parent, which allows all of us to reclaim our parental histories. But it is nonetheless inevitable that the prime source of wounding to the child will be the parents. Since we are human, our less than perfect nature will necessarily impinge on the child and leave its imprint forever. As any therapist knows, the primary area in which growth is blocked, or relationship stuck, usually becomes clear in processing these parent-child encounters which are internalized as complexes.
…The parental complexes are usually the most influential because they constitute the original experience of relationship, and remain its chief paradigm. Again, because of the subjective misreading of these primal relationships, the power of the parental complexes to determine the character of subsequent relationships cannot be overstated. - Pages – 20, 21, 22
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are we doomed to these patterns? Surely we are free to be and to behave otherwise. Yes, but that requires a high degree of conscious awareness of the pattern, and we can only know something is a pattern when we have done it several times. Moreover, until midlife or later we have seldom gained sufficient ego strength to reflect upon our choices. The young person is still too unconscious and cannot risk any self-doubt in the already shaky enterprise of life. Even aging does not necessarily produce consciousness. Think of those who have multiple marriages, undeterred by the intimation of a pattern in the dynamics of their relationships, unaware of the unconscious templates dictating their choices as they set off in search of a new Beloved.
Only when one has suffered the collapse of projections onto the Other, …may one begin to recognize that the enemy is within, that the Other is not what he or she may seem, and that one is summoned to a deep personal accounting before one can begin to clear the terrain for true relationship. One does not come to such recognitions easily, without having suffered failure, shame, rage or humiliation. But in such dreary states may be found the beginning of insight into oneself, without which no lasting relationship may be achieved.
…Consider the obvious, then, that we can hardly have a conscious, efficacious relationship with the Other when we have a deeply wounded relationship with ourselves. Consider, then, how difficult it is to have any relationship at all. All that I do not know about myself, all of my secret projects for healing myself of the wounds derived from my culture and family of origin. I am now imposing on you. All the complexes I have acquired in my life on this earth, you will have to suffer from me. How could I do that to you, while professing to love you? How can you do that to me, while professing to love me?
…So we bring ourselves to relationship. With scant knowledge of ourselves, we seek our identity in the mirror of the Other, as we once did in Mom and Dad. With all our wounds of this perilous condition we seek a safe harbor in the Other who, alas, is seeking the same in us. We bring the immensity of the cardinal’s project, the yearning to merge with the Other, the one who will protect, nurture and save us. - Pages – 28, 30, 32
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The other great false idea that drives humankind is the fantasy of the Magical Other, the notion that there is one person out there who is right for us, will make our lives work, a soul-mate who will repair the ravages of our personal history; one who will be there for us, who will read our minds, know what we want and meet those deepest needs; a good parent who will protect us from suffering and, if we are lucky, spare us the perilous journey of individuation.
Virtually all popular culture is fueled by this idea and its fallout - the search for the Magical Other, finding him or her, the dismaying discovery of this Other’s humanness, and the renewed search… Listen to the next ten songs on the car radio. Nine of them will be about the hunt for the Magical Other.
…So, to be fascinated by the Other is to be possessed by an affective idea. This is what happens in projection. In the most rabid stage of being in love – and rabid is by no means too strong a word – one is unable to do other than obsess on the Other. One is caught in a projective identification with the heart’s desire, the boundaries between self and Other dissolving again, as they did for the infant. This is the unconscious underpinning of the fascination with the Other: the search to recover the lost paradise of childhood, the original participation mystique with the primary caregivers.
…Romantic love, by which we mean that elan, that heightened ardor, that intense yearning for the Beloved, that frantic grappling, that profound sorrow when the Beloved is lost, that anxious uncertainty about the fixity of the Other – all this and more is both the greatest source of energy and the chief narcotic of our time. …One may even suggest that romantic love has replaced institutional religion as the greatest motive power and influence in our lives.
So, the search for love has replaced the search for G-d. Shocking thought? Untrue? Again, simply surf the stations of the radio. Almost all the popular songs express the “religiosity” of romantic love. Recall the etymology of the word religion – “to bind back to, reconnect with.” Hitherto we sought this in relationship with a supreme being; now we seek it through immersion in an Other. - Pages – 37, 40, 43
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Projection and Re-Collection in Jungian Psychology, Zurich analyst Marie-Louise von Franz has delineated the fivefold process of projection and then re-collecting our psychic fragments.
#1 – First, a person is convinced that his or her inner experience is truly outer, for it is experienced “out there.” Thus one may fall deeply in love or deeply into suspicion. One man I knew followed his wife everywhere because he was convinced she was having an affairs. He hired detectives, obliged her to take two polygraph tests, and still could not believe her protestations of fidelity. As an eight year old he had seen his mother drive away with another man and he never saw her again. He could not believe that this second woman, to whom he had given his heart, could be any different.
#2 – The second stage of the projective process arises out of the often gradual perception of discrepancy, the widening gulf between who the Other is supposed to be in our concrete experience. Why does she act in such apparent disregard for my agenda? Why does he not seem devoted only to me? Why is she sometimes fractious and intractable? Niggling questions grow into large doubts. Doubts lead to consternation. One begins to question the reality of the Other, after all. This is troubling and accounts for the fact that so many couples move from naïve relatedness to the jousting of power. If you do not act as I wish, I shall bring about your compliance by my actions. I will control you, criticize you, abuse you, withdraw from you, sabotage you. Seldom are these attitudes and behaviors conscious, but they are there, filling in the gaps.
The loss of a projection is often painful, and the broader the projection, the deeper the hurt. One has been counting on the Other to make the journey back home possible. …Often by the time a couple seeks therapy, each feels viscerally wounded by the Other. The bloodletting has been considerable. Each see the therapist not as a neutral third party, but as a judge who will rule his or her position just. By this time, the couple has usually fallen out of love and the power principle prevails.
#3 – The third stage of the projective process, whether in or out of therapy, obliges the assessment of this new perception of the Other. One’s partner must now be seen anew. What is going on between us? Who, really, is he/she?
#4 – The fourth stage leads one to recognize that what one perceived was actually not real, that one was not experiencing the Other out there, but the Other in here. This step represents an act of ethical courage, for it helps to lift the cosmic project off the shoulders of the Other.
#5 – The fifth stage requires the search for the origin of that projected energy within oneself. This is to ask for the meaning of the projection. Which part of me was projected, and to what end? Since projections are by definition originally unconscious, we can only withdraw them when we have sustained the suffering of discrepancy. - Pages – 51, 52,
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apart from the pain of such discrepancies, we may detect projections in the same three ways in which we detect complexes.
Firstly, there are predictable situations in which complexes, or projections, are likely to be activated. Most generally, the entire sphere of intimacy is one such charged field in which projections are being exchanged at all times. This fact may seem depressing – it is in any case humbling – for one does not really know the Other, ever, and what we do not know we are prone to fill with our own projected material. Even those who lived together for decades barely know each other, psychologically speaking, though they may be greatly habituated to each other.
Secondly, we may experience projection in a physical way. A churning stomach, a quickening heart, sweaty palms and so on are somatic states that can alert us to the likelihood of projection.
Thirdly, in projection the quantity of energy discharged is always disproportionate to the situation. Since the field of intimate relationship carries the burden of the “going home” project, so the largeness of the energy we feel in such a relationship is evidence of the largeness of the agenda projected. This is not to say that relationships are not profoundly important, but rather that we may make them too important. Again, this is why one is bereft at the loss of the Other, sometimes suicidal, for the fantasy of recovering the lost Primal Other has crumbled. We are meant to grieve loss, of course, but too often the overvaluation of the Other is achieved only through the devaluation of oneself. - Pages – 52, 53
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Those vested deeply in the idea of romance will no doubt protest, but then they will remain enslaved to the pursuit of the illusory Magical Other. The reader groans and asks, “But is there no romance? Is there nothing that makes life interesting, exciting?” but yes, of course! And that is the wonderful side of projection.
Certainly, the words of this text will not stop projection any more than we can ever become wholly conscious. When we soberly review the history of our relationships, we are obliged to acknowledge that they began at one place and evolved to quite another.
…Ultimately, the health and hope of any intimate relationship will depend on each party’s willingness to assume responsibility for the relationship to one’s own unconscious material. Sounds logical, even easy, yet nothing is more difficult. The chief burden on any relationship derives both from our unwillingness to assume responsibility and from the immensity of the project.
It takes great courage to ask this fundamental question: “What am I asking of this Other that I ought to be doing for myself?” If, for example, I am asking the Other to be mindful of my self-esteem, I have a project waiting unaddressed. If I am expecting the Other to be the good parent and take care of me, then I have not grown up. If I am expecting the Other to spare me the rigor and terror of living my own journey, then I have abdicated from the chief task and most worthy reason for my incarnation on this earth.
…Projection, fusion, “going home,” is easy; loving another’s otherness is heroic. If we really love the Other as Other, we have heroically taken on the responsibility for our own individuation, our own journey. - Pages – 56, 57
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The going home project is deeply programmed in us from our traumatic onsets. But, as we see all around us, it remains the chief saboteur of intimate relationships. Thus, we are all caught between the deeply programmed desire to fuse with the Other and the inner imperative to separate, to individuate. This tension of opposites will always be present. Holding that tension, bringing it to consciousness, is the moral task of both parties in any close relationship, a task that requires conscious effort and heroic will.
When one has let go of that great hidden agenda that drives humanity and its varied histories, then one can begin to encounter the immensity of one’s own soul. If we are courageous enough to say, “Not this person, nor any other, can ultimately give me what I want; only I can.” Then we are free to celebrate a relationship for what it can give. The paradox lies in the fact that the Other can be a means through which one is enabled to glimpse the immensity of one’s own soul and live a portion of one’s individuation. – Page 58
We are travelers, all and separately. We are thrown by fate into adjacent seats on a flight to the coast. In our solitude we may enhance the journey of the Other, who may likewise enhance ours. We embarked separately, we disembark separately, and we head for our appointed ends separately. We profit greatly from each other without using each other. Our projections upon the Other are inevitable; not bad, really, for they enrich the journey, but if we hold on to them they become diversions from our individual task. – Page 61
…When relationship is not driven by need, but by caring for the other as Other, then we are really free to experience him or her. – Page 64
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This short book is now a must-read in my view. Its 144 pages but the main meat and power in this book is the first 3 chapters, a total of 85 pages.
The Eden Project - Part 1 of 3: Understanding Our Yearning For Connection and How It Can Destroy Our Relationships.
This series, consisting of 3 notes that I hope to publish, lays out the fundamental psychological process of what’s happening beneath the surface when we seek a soulmate or romantic partner. It’s quite the disturbing eye-opener for those of us who consider ourselves “romantics,” and “searching for our one true love.” The first note deals primarily with the difficulty of two people trying to genuinely connect beneath all the layers of false expectations and pre-programmed ideas of what a relationship is actually all about. Before anyone becomes too despondent about the seemingly impossibility of having a genuine relationship, hang in there for parts 2 and 3 which will lay out a pathway for healthy and successful relationships. It is not easy and there is a lot to overcome in the process, but it can lead to genuine and lasting relationships.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following are crucial excerpts from this eye-opening book:
The Eden Project – In Search of the Magical Other – James Hollis
A Jungian Perspective on Relationship
This book is essentially an essay on the psychodynamics of relationship. Its intention is heuristic [Enabling a person to discover or learn something for themselves], to provoke thought and response, and to serve as a sort of corrective to the generalized fantasies about relationships that permeate our culture.
It is not meant to be a practical guide on how to fix a relationship. Rather it is an effort to evoke deeper reflection on the nature of relationship, to provide a challenge to enlarged personal responsibility in relationships, and to inspire a desire for personal growth as opposed to the fantasy of rescue through others. Its premises may be disappointing to some, and as a matter of fact I don’t care much for them myself, but they are, I believe, more practical and more ethical than the many alternatives that float through our popular culture.
…If there is a single idea which permeates this essay it is that the quality of all our relationships is a direct function of our relationship to ourselves. Since much of our relationship to ourselves operate at an unconscious level, most of the drama and dynamics of our relationships to other and to the transcendent is expressive of our own personal psychology. The best thing we can do for our relationships with others, and with the transcendent, then, is to render our relationship to ourselves more conscious.
This is not a narcissistic activity. In fact, it will prove to be the most loving thing we can do for the Other. The greatest gift to other is our own best selves. Thus, paradoxically, if we are to serve relationships well, we are obliged to affirm our individual journey. - Pages – 12, 13
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is no accident that all peoples, past and present, have had their mythology of a lost paradise. …Perhaps this tribal memory is but the neurological hologram of our own birth trauma, a separation from which we never fully recover. Perhaps a clue may be found in the two trees of Eden in Genesis. One is the Tree of Life and the other is the Tree of Knowledge. Of the former one may eat, but eating of the latter begins the joyless trek out of Paradise.
…Once the dream-time in the Garden is truncated, the shock of separation is so systemic, so seismic, that it remains imprinted on the neurological pathways, abiding in the unconscious as lost connectedness. It is no accident that the primary motive, the hidden agenda in any relationship, is the yearning to return. It is the cardinal’s project, the Eden project, the professed aim of the Romantic poets, the yearning of the Beloved. - Pages – 15, 16, 17
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is impossible for the parent to wholly manage the task of providing connection with the child while at the same time progressively separating. So the toddler wails, when the parent goes out of sight. Even when diverted or mollified, the child still does not forget these injuries. Thrown by fate into this family or that, the child can only read the environment for clues. This reading is necessarily partial, that is, limited to that specific family, without awareness that an infinite variety of other models are possible. But from such partial views of the world huge decisions are made before there is sufficient consciousness to allow a differentiated understanding. - Page – 18
…As birth itself seems a kind of gigantic, systemic wound… The British psychiatrist D.W. Winnicott coined the expression “good enough” parent, which allows all of us to reclaim our parental histories. But it is nonetheless inevitable that the prime source of wounding to the child will be the parents. Since we are human, our less than perfect nature will necessarily impinge on the child and leave its imprint forever. As any therapist knows, the primary area in which growth is blocked, or relationship stuck, usually becomes clear in processing these parent-child encounters which are internalized as complexes.
…The parental complexes are usually the most influential because they constitute the original experience of relationship, and remain its chief paradigm. Again, because of the subjective misreading of these primal relationships, the power of the parental complexes to determine the character of subsequent relationships cannot be overstated. - Pages – 20, 21, 22
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are we doomed to these patterns? Surely we are free to be and to behave otherwise. Yes, but that requires a high degree of conscious awareness of the pattern, and we can only know something is a pattern when we have done it several times. Moreover, until midlife or later we have seldom gained sufficient ego strength to reflect upon our choices. The young person is still too unconscious and cannot risk any self-doubt in the already shaky enterprise of life. Even aging does not necessarily produce consciousness. Think of those who have multiple marriages, undeterred by the intimation of a pattern in the dynamics of their relationships, unaware of the unconscious templates dictating their choices as they set off in search of a new Beloved.
Only when one has suffered the collapse of projections onto the Other, …may one begin to recognize that the enemy is within, that the Other is not what he or she may seem, and that one is summoned to a deep personal accounting before one can begin to clear the terrain for true relationship. One does not come to such recognitions easily, without having suffered failure, shame, rage or humiliation. But in such dreary states may be found the beginning of insight into oneself, without which no lasting relationship may be achieved.
…Consider the obvious, then, that we can hardly have a conscious, efficacious relationship with the Other when we have a deeply wounded relationship with ourselves. Consider, then, how difficult it is to have any relationship at all. All that I do not know about myself, all of my secret projects for healing myself of the wounds derived from my culture and family of origin. I am now imposing on you. All the complexes I have acquired in my life on this earth, you will have to suffer from me. How could I do that to you, while professing to love you? How can you do that to me, while professing to love me?
…So we bring ourselves to relationship. With scant knowledge of ourselves, we seek our identity in the mirror of the Other, as we once did in Mom and Dad. With all our wounds of this perilous condition we seek a safe harbor in the Other who, alas, is seeking the same in us. We bring the immensity of the cardinal’s project, the yearning to merge with the Other, the one who will protect, nurture and save us. - Pages – 28, 30, 32
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The other great false idea that drives humankind is the fantasy of the Magical Other, the notion that there is one person out there who is right for us, will make our lives work, a soul-mate who will repair the ravages of our personal history; one who will be there for us, who will read our minds, know what we want and meet those deepest needs; a good parent who will protect us from suffering and, if we are lucky, spare us the perilous journey of individuation.
Virtually all popular culture is fueled by this idea and its fallout - the search for the Magical Other, finding him or her, the dismaying discovery of this Other’s humanness, and the renewed search… Listen to the next ten songs on the car radio. Nine of them will be about the hunt for the Magical Other.
…So, to be fascinated by the Other is to be possessed by an affective idea. This is what happens in projection. In the most rabid stage of being in love – and rabid is by no means too strong a word – one is unable to do other than obsess on the Other. One is caught in a projective identification with the heart’s desire, the boundaries between self and Other dissolving again, as they did for the infant. This is the unconscious underpinning of the fascination with the Other: the search to recover the lost paradise of childhood, the original participation mystique with the primary caregivers.
…Romantic love, by which we mean that elan, that heightened ardor, that intense yearning for the Beloved, that frantic grappling, that profound sorrow when the Beloved is lost, that anxious uncertainty about the fixity of the Other – all this and more is both the greatest source of energy and the chief narcotic of our time. …One may even suggest that romantic love has replaced institutional religion as the greatest motive power and influence in our lives.
So, the search for love has replaced the search for G-d. Shocking thought? Untrue? Again, simply surf the stations of the radio. Almost all the popular songs express the “religiosity” of romantic love. Recall the etymology of the word religion – “to bind back to, reconnect with.” Hitherto we sought this in relationship with a supreme being; now we seek it through immersion in an Other. - Pages – 37, 40, 43
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Projection and Re-Collection in Jungian Psychology, Zurich analyst Marie-Louise von Franz has delineated the fivefold process of projection and then re-collecting our psychic fragments.
#1 – First, a person is convinced that his or her inner experience is truly outer, for it is experienced “out there.” Thus one may fall deeply in love or deeply into suspicion. One man I knew followed his wife everywhere because he was convinced she was having an affairs. He hired detectives, obliged her to take two polygraph tests, and still could not believe her protestations of fidelity. As an eight year old he had seen his mother drive away with another man and he never saw her again. He could not believe that this second woman, to whom he had given his heart, could be any different.
#2 – The second stage of the projective process arises out of the often gradual perception of discrepancy, the widening gulf between who the Other is supposed to be in our concrete experience. Why does she act in such apparent disregard for my agenda? Why does he not seem devoted only to me? Why is she sometimes fractious and intractable? Niggling questions grow into large doubts. Doubts lead to consternation. One begins to question the reality of the Other, after all. This is troubling and accounts for the fact that so many couples move from naïve relatedness to the jousting of power. If you do not act as I wish, I shall bring about your compliance by my actions. I will control you, criticize you, abuse you, withdraw from you, sabotage you. Seldom are these attitudes and behaviors conscious, but they are there, filling in the gaps.
The loss of a projection is often painful, and the broader the projection, the deeper the hurt. One has been counting on the Other to make the journey back home possible. …Often by the time a couple seeks therapy, each feels viscerally wounded by the Other. The bloodletting has been considerable. Each see the therapist not as a neutral third party, but as a judge who will rule his or her position just. By this time, the couple has usually fallen out of love and the power principle prevails.
#3 – The third stage of the projective process, whether in or out of therapy, obliges the assessment of this new perception of the Other. One’s partner must now be seen anew. What is going on between us? Who, really, is he/she?
#4 – The fourth stage leads one to recognize that what one perceived was actually not real, that one was not experiencing the Other out there, but the Other in here. This step represents an act of ethical courage, for it helps to lift the cosmic project off the shoulders of the Other.
#5 – The fifth stage requires the search for the origin of that projected energy within oneself. This is to ask for the meaning of the projection. Which part of me was projected, and to what end? Since projections are by definition originally unconscious, we can only withdraw them when we have sustained the suffering of discrepancy. - Pages – 51, 52,
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Apart from the pain of such discrepancies, we may detect projections in the same three ways in which we detect complexes.
Firstly, there are predictable situations in which complexes, or projections, are likely to be activated. Most generally, the entire sphere of intimacy is one such charged field in which projections are being exchanged at all times. This fact may seem depressing – it is in any case humbling – for one does not really know the Other, ever, and what we do not know we are prone to fill with our own projected material. Even those who lived together for decades barely know each other, psychologically speaking, though they may be greatly habituated to each other.
Secondly, we may experience projection in a physical way. A churning stomach, a quickening heart, sweaty palms and so on are somatic states that can alert us to the likelihood of projection.
Thirdly, in projection the quantity of energy discharged is always disproportionate to the situation. Since the field of intimate relationship carries the burden of the “going home” project, so the largeness of the energy we feel in such a relationship is evidence of the largeness of the agenda projected. This is not to say that relationships are not profoundly important, but rather that we may make them too important. Again, this is why one is bereft at the loss of the Other, sometimes suicidal, for the fantasy of recovering the lost Primal Other has crumbled. We are meant to grieve loss, of course, but too often the overvaluation of the Other is achieved only through the devaluation of oneself. - Pages – 52, 53
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Those vested deeply in the idea of romance will no doubt protest, but then they will remain enslaved to the pursuit of the illusory Magical Other. The reader groans and asks, “But is there no romance? Is there nothing that makes life interesting, exciting?” but yes, of course! And that is the wonderful side of projection.
Certainly, the words of this text will not stop projection any more than we can ever become wholly conscious. When we soberly review the history of our relationships, we are obliged to acknowledge that they began at one place and evolved to quite another.
…Ultimately, the health and hope of any intimate relationship will depend on each party’s willingness to assume responsibility for the relationship to one’s own unconscious material. Sounds logical, even easy, yet nothing is more difficult. The chief burden on any relationship derives both from our unwillingness to assume responsibility and from the immensity of the project.
It takes great courage to ask this fundamental question: “What am I asking of this Other that I ought to be doing for myself?” If, for example, I am asking the Other to be mindful of my self-esteem, I have a project waiting unaddressed. If I am expecting the Other to be the good parent and take care of me, then I have not grown up. If I am expecting the Other to spare me the rigor and terror of living my own journey, then I have abdicated from the chief task and most worthy reason for my incarnation on this earth.
…Projection, fusion, “going home,” is easy; loving another’s otherness is heroic. If we really love the Other as Other, we have heroically taken on the responsibility for our own individuation, our own journey. - Pages – 56, 57
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The going home project is deeply programmed in us from our traumatic onsets. But, as we see all around us, it remains the chief saboteur of intimate relationships. Thus, we are all caught between the deeply programmed desire to fuse with the Other and the inner imperative to separate, to individuate. This tension of opposites will always be present. Holding that tension, bringing it to consciousness, is the moral task of both parties in any close relationship, a task that requires conscious effort and heroic will.
When one has let go of that great hidden agenda that drives humanity and its varied histories, then one can begin to encounter the immensity of one’s own soul. If we are courageous enough to say, “Not this person, nor any other, can ultimately give me what I want; only I can.” Then we are free to celebrate a relationship for what it can give. The paradox lies in the fact that the Other can be a means through which one is enabled to glimpse the immensity of one’s own soul and live a portion of one’s individuation. – Page 58
We are travelers, all and separately. We are thrown by fate into adjacent seats on a flight to the coast. In our solitude we may enhance the journey of the Other, who may likewise enhance ours. We embarked separately, we disembark separately, and we head for our appointed ends separately. We profit greatly from each other without using each other. Our projections upon the Other are inevitable; not bad, really, for they enrich the journey, but if we hold on to them they become diversions from our individual task. – Page 61
…When relationship is not driven by need, but by caring for the other as Other, then we are really free to experience him or her. – Page 64
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September 11, 2017
Това е втората книга на Джеймс Холис, която чета (след "Под сянката на Сатурн: раняване и лекуване на мъжката душа) и е малко да кажа, че съм впечатлен. Подходих към Джеймс Холис като към психолог-юнгианец. Очаквах един по-скоро научен автор. Нищо подобно. Още с първата книга тази представа рухна, а с тази съм вече тотално и безвъзвратно запленен от него.
Освен научна тази книга е и чудесно написана. От една страна тук Джеймс Холис дълбае в огромната тема за Любовта, описвайки нашия съвременен свят, в който сме се отказали от боговете и търсенето на любовта до голяма степен е заместило старите божества. В същото време обаче ние влизаме във връзките си с товара от нашето минало, който се отразява върху настоящето ни. На несъзнателно равнище не спираме да проектираме върху възлюбения (магическия Друг) и виждаме в него възможността да се върнем в Обетованата земя на детството си, в тази Райска градина. И оставаме излъгани.
Защото ние живеем тук и сега и нашата мисия е да вървим по пътя си, да станем пълноценни индивиди, да пораснем. А не да се вкопчваме в миналото и така да ограбваме настоящето и бъдещето си.
Тази книга е истинско съкровище и може да помогне на всеки човек да открие повече за себе си и да види къде са препъни-камъните по пътя му, за да се опита да ги избегне.
Завършвам с това, че Джеймс Холис дава страхотни примери чрез силни и въздействащи стихотворения от едни от най-утвърдените поети. Което е още един безспорен плюс на тази книга. И още една причина (поне за мен) да поискам да прочета и други негови неща.
Освен научна тази книга е и чудесно написана. От една страна тук Джеймс Холис дълбае в огромната тема за Любовта, описвайки нашия съвременен свят, в който сме се отказали от боговете и търсенето на любовта до голяма степен е заместило старите божества. В същото време обаче ние влизаме във връзките си с товара от нашето минало, който се отразява върху настоящето ни. На несъзнателно равнище не спираме да проектираме върху възлюбения (магическия Друг) и виждаме в него възможността да се върнем в Обетованата земя на детството си, в тази Райска градина. И оставаме излъгани.
Защото ние живеем тук и сега и нашата мисия е да вървим по пътя си, да станем пълноценни индивиди, да пораснем. А не да се вкопчваме в миналото и така да ограбваме настоящето и бъдещето си.
Тази книга е истинско съкровище и може да помогне на всеки човек да открие повече за себе си и да види къде са препъни-камъните по пътя му, за да се опита да ги избегне.
Завършвам с това, че Джеймс Холис дава страхотни примери чрез силни и въздействащи стихотворения от едни от най-утвърдените поети. Което е още един безспорен плюс на тази книга. И още една причина (поне за мен) да поискам да прочета и други негови неща.
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February 22, 2025I found this books very informative -- my exposure to Jung is mainly anecdotal, through summaries of his thought -- but the bedrock claims about Other as projection, about the existential nature of relationship: I'm not sure I accept them. As a possible way of understanding the world, they're certainly interesting ideas, but several of the bedrock assumptions necessary to make them work don't feel as asked-and-answered to me as they do to the author. Still, as a book, it's lucid, spirited, helpful, and clarifying.
May 27, 2023
Тази книга е едно своеобразно пътешествие — пътешествие из дебрите на толкова значимата и съществена за всички ни тема за влюбването и любовта; за това защо потенциално се потапяме смело във връзки, които не ни удовлетворяват; които лесно се разпадат и чиито руини наблюдаваме прекалено често.
Влюбването — този толкова искрен и присъщ на всяко човешко същество процес, тази енигматична, дълбока и дори „рязко пристъпна“ емоционалност… началото на един предизвестен край ли е? Предварителен вестител, носещ свитъка на разочарованието? Може би — надеждата обаче се крие зад нивото ни на себепознание — крайният резултат е всъщност зависим от нашите собствени избори. Избори, свързани с желанията ни за „завръщане“ към една цялостност, към един „Рай на земята“, към „Магическия Друг“, който да ни спаси от жестокостта, открита в заобикалящата ни действителност. Всичко това бива прекрасно илюстрирано чрез случаи от терапевтичната практика на автора.
Оказва се, в крайна сметка, че търсейки обект на желанията си, ние сякаш търсим себе си — свое перфектно копие, което не само просто да съществува, но и да действа, да разсъждава по наш образ и подобие. И тогава следва страданието — „Магическият Друг“ не е толкова магически, а е просто „Друг“. Влюбването корабокрушира, а място за истинска любов (безусловна) няма. Защото само в приемането на чуждата „другост“ можем да не бъдем просто влюбени, а обичащи.
Влюбването — този толкова искрен и присъщ на всяко човешко същество процес, тази енигматична, дълбока и дори „рязко пристъпна“ емоционалност… началото на един предизвестен край ли е? Предварителен вестител, носещ свитъка на разочарованието? Може би — надеждата обаче се крие зад нивото ни на себепознание — крайният резултат е всъщност зависим от нашите собствени избори. Избори, свързани с желанията ни за „завръщане“ към една цялостност, към един „Рай на земята“, към „Магическия Друг“, който да ни спаси от жестокостта, открита в заобикалящата ни действителност. Всичко това бива прекрасно илюстрирано чрез случаи от терапевтичната практика на автора.
Оказва се, в крайна сметка, че търсейки обект на желанията си, ние сякаш търсим себе си — свое перфектно копие, което не само просто да съществува, но и да действа, да разсъждава по наш образ и подобие. И тогава следва страданието — „Магическият Друг“ не е толкова магически, а е просто „Друг“. Влюбването корабокрушира, а място за истинска любов (безусловна) няма. Защото само в приемането на чуждата „другост“ можем да не бъдем просто влюбени, а обичащи.
December 8, 2020
A rather bleak take on what our modern day idea of romantic attachment actually constitutes. It's an easy read on the Jungian scale with a hard to digest message. What if we ever only loved ourselves? And maybe that's what we did. Like Narcissus, we stare at our own reflection and can't have enough; and that special person we swear to love is nothing but a creation of our own imagination; a poorly tailored awkward suit which they carry around for us to worship. Until the day the suit starts to fall apart and we can no longer avoid the facts - there's that other human being we barely know and most certainly don't really like. And we don't like them not because they are so bad but because they are nothing like we've imagined. Maybe we hate them a little for trying to trick us into believing in them. But then we become wiser, move along and fall for the next imaginary saviour, the next magical Other. And this is all embedded in our culture - poetry, books, music, arts, cinema, you name it - the longing to meet someone who completes us, soothes us, makes us whole. The one who holds the key to us being happy and being something, our raison d'être.
But what if the proverbial Creator had other plans for us? Read along.
But what if the proverbial Creator had other plans for us? Read along.
May 7, 2018
I thought Hollis had peaked for me when I read Through the Dark Wood, but Eden Project is on another level entirely. This was one of those books full of ideas that are both strikingly obvious and completely foreign all at once. I underlined so much I'll have to decode my underlinings.
February 5, 2022
О ЧЕМ КНИГА:
Холлис разбирает наши фантазии о романтических отношениях и доказывает, что мы чаще всего отрабатываем в любви наши вырожденные проекции и установки. Вместо мифов о романтической любви автор предлагает нам зрелый подход к отношениям. Брак - это сложный путь, который могут пройти совместно два человека, оставаясь при этом индивидуальностями и не проецируя друг на друга свои комплексы.
ГЛАВНАЯ МЫСЛЬ КНИГИ:
Качество всех наших отношений с другими прямо зависит от того, как мы относимся к себе. Поэтому лучший способ усовершенствовать свои отношения с окружающими — максимально полно осознать свое отношени�� к себе.
ЗАЧЕМ ЧИТАТЬ ЭТУ КНИГУ?
Чтобы избавиться от иллюзии, что кто-то, кроме нас самих, может сделать нашу жизнь лучше.
МЫСЛИ И ВЫВОДЫ ИЗ КНИГИ:
- пока человек не достигнет среднего возраста или не станет еще старше, его Эго не хватит сил, чтобы осознать совершаемый им выбор. Молодой человек все же является слишком бессознательным и не может пойти на риск, чтобы усомниться в себе при таких сильных потрясениях в жизни. Даже достижение преклонного возраста не гарантирует осознания.
- «Любовь — это слово, которое обозначает сексуальное возбуждение юноши, привычку человека среднего возраста и взаимную зависимость стариков»
- Романтическая любовь по силе своего воздействия заменила институт религии.
- Брак должен помогать личностному росту каждого в паре. Внешняя продолжительность брака не даёт поводов для торжества, ведь мы не знаем, как за это время изменилась душа каждого из супругов.
- «То, что могут предложить другие виды зависимости: наркотическая, игровая, — меркнет по сравнению с тем, что может предложить трансцендентный Другой. А он предлагает не просто облегчить боль от столкновения с внешним миром, не просто находит средство спасения от скуки и депрессии, а воссоздает тот потерянный рай, который человек ищет в лабиринте своей индивидуальной истории.»
- Наш Другой может только обогатить наше странствие в этом мире, а мы его путь. Но мы оба проживаем «совместно-индивидуальное» странствие. В этом случае незаинтересованная любовь Другого пробуждает в нас энергию и возрождает интерес к жизни.
ЧТО Я БУДУ ПРИМЕНЯТЬ:
Понижу свои ожидания о том, какая доля романтики должна быть в отношениях.
ЕЩЕ НА ЭТУ ТЕМУ:
Ален Де Боттон «Курс любви”
Холлис разбирает наши фантазии о романтических отношениях и доказывает, что мы чаще всего отрабатываем в любви наши вырожденные проекции и установки. Вместо мифов о романтической любви автор предлагает нам зрелый подход к отношениям. Брак - это сложный путь, который могут пройти совместно два человека, оставаясь при этом индивидуальностями и не проецируя друг на друга свои комплексы.
ГЛАВНАЯ МЫСЛЬ КНИГИ:
Качество всех наших отношений с другими прямо зависит от того, как мы относимся к себе. Поэтому лучший способ усовершенствовать свои отношения с окружающими — максимально полно осознать свое отношени�� к себе.
ЗАЧЕМ ЧИТАТЬ ЭТУ КНИГУ?
Чтобы избавиться от иллюзии, что кто-то, кроме нас самих, может сделать нашу жизнь лучше.
МЫСЛИ И ВЫВОДЫ ИЗ КНИГИ:
- пока человек не достигнет среднего возраста или не станет еще старше, его Эго не хватит сил, чтобы осознать совершаемый им выбор. Молодой человек все же является слишком бессознательным и не может пойти на риск, чтобы усомниться в себе при таких сильных потрясениях в жизни. Даже достижение преклонного возраста не гарантирует осознания.
- «Любовь — это слово, которое обозначает сексуальное возбуждение юноши, привычку человека среднего возраста и взаимную зависимость стариков»
- Романтическая любовь по силе своего воздействия заменила институт религии.
- Брак должен помогать личностному росту каждого в паре. Внешняя продолжительность брака не даёт поводов для торжества, ведь мы не знаем, как за это время изменилась душа каждого из супругов.
- «То, что могут предложить другие виды зависимости: наркотическая, игровая, — меркнет по сравнению с тем, что может предложить трансцендентный Другой. А он предлагает не просто облегчить боль от столкновения с внешним миром, не просто находит средство спасения от скуки и депрессии, а воссоздает тот потерянный рай, который человек ищет в лабиринте своей индивидуальной истории.»
- Наш Другой может только обогатить наше странствие в этом мире, а мы его путь. Но мы оба проживаем «совместно-индивидуальное» странствие. В этом случае незаинтересованная любовь Другого пробуждает в нас энергию и возрождает интерес к жизни.
ЧТО Я БУДУ ПРИМЕНЯТЬ:
Понижу свои ожидания о том, какая доля романтики должна быть в отношениях.
ЕЩЕ НА ЭТУ ТЕМУ:
Ален Де Боттон «Курс любви”
July 12, 2014
Basic principles of this book that I feel most adults already know:
1. There is no Disney reality of love or soulmate. Relationships are ongoing decisions.
2. Past relationships affect future relationships, and early relationships (ie parent/child) are most likely to be formative.
Wish the book weren't written so esoterically for such basic ideas. The takeaway message is simply: figure out what past experiences are shaping your current ones so that you can live more freely in the present.
I agree with these points, I just don't think I need 150 pages of jargon and poetry to say so.
1. There is no Disney reality of love or soulmate. Relationships are ongoing decisions.
2. Past relationships affect future relationships, and early relationships (ie parent/child) are most likely to be formative.
Wish the book weren't written so esoterically for such basic ideas. The takeaway message is simply: figure out what past experiences are shaping your current ones so that you can live more freely in the present.
I agree with these points, I just don't think I need 150 pages of jargon and poetry to say so.
December 24, 2013
How can Hollis be thanked for such an eye-opening, profound book? I'm grateful for what I learned in this excellent book.
September 8, 2025
Bent man tai viena geriausių knygų apie santykių psichologiją. Ir šiaip, Hollis'as kaip autorius naujas atradimas. Tai antroji autoriaus knyga, su kuria susiduriu ir tikrai bus ir trečia, ir ketvirta. Žinoma, esu šališkas, kadangi tai jungiškosios psichologijos knyga, o tokių man tenka skaityti daugiausiai. Atrodo, kad ir parašyta tobulu santykiu tarp rimtos psichoterapinės literatūros ir psichologijos, kuri būtų prieinama plačiajam skaitytojui, bet kartu ir nenusipiginant į kvailokus klišinius populiariosios psichologijos lozungus apie santykius. Nors daugiausia dėmesio skiriama romantiniams santykiams, bet tinka ir kitokio pobūdžio santykiams. Pvz., knygos gale autorius aptaria ir darbinius santykius.
January 13, 2018
Like most other books I’ve read this year, this took me longer to read than it should have. The book isn’t long, and it’s interesting enough to get through in a short period of time. I definitely enjoyed the book, quoting the author (and others the author quoted) multiple times while reading it.
The book explains the some of the Jungian theory of romantic relationships, specifically how we project onto our beloved and additionally expect them to save us: from death, from the hardships of life, from ourselves.
I remember being awestruck by the book, “We” by Robert Johnson, many years ago. I felt it removed some of the illusion of romantic love, and would help one move on from what ultimately was a delusion. In fact, I’ve had client report it did just that. I think, “The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other” does the same, but takes it further, builds upon it. I’m not sure if it is “recency effect”, and it certainly has been over a decade since I read, “We”, but I found “The Eden Project” more in depth, and inspiring of growth. I definitely recommend it if you’re interested in understanding romantic love and how to transcend it.
The book explains the some of the Jungian theory of romantic relationships, specifically how we project onto our beloved and additionally expect them to save us: from death, from the hardships of life, from ourselves.
I remember being awestruck by the book, “We” by Robert Johnson, many years ago. I felt it removed some of the illusion of romantic love, and would help one move on from what ultimately was a delusion. In fact, I’ve had client report it did just that. I think, “The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other” does the same, but takes it further, builds upon it. I’m not sure if it is “recency effect”, and it certainly has been over a decade since I read, “We”, but I found “The Eden Project” more in depth, and inspiring of growth. I definitely recommend it if you’re interested in understanding romantic love and how to transcend it.
August 23, 2019
The way this book captures the lost paradise we (or I at least) are always searching for is magic. Psychology always seems like it can be poetic then isn't, but this is beautifully written and touches on some really complex sensations/experiences that seem like they can't be articulated. Hella recommend if you're moved by and motivated by love, especially the mysterious inexplicable parts of it
April 7, 2016
Simply amazing.
May 3, 2018
One of the most important books on human relationships that I've ever read. Highly recommended to anyone in a relationship who wants to learn more about themselves and their relationships.
April 1, 2024
v important and valuable and also short. sadly not short enough to read every single day 1000 times which is what i would need to avoid falling into the same patterns it points out but great medicine for people who have issues w individuality, purpose and the distractions/false hopes we sometimes get lost in for years or lifetimes
January 2, 2019
Винаги чета Джеймс Холис с лека резервираност, но като я изключа, мога да заявя, без да преувеличавам, че думите му взимат характера на просветление. Преди години прочетох "Под сянката на Сатурн", друг негов шедьовър, и тази книга завинаги промени отношението ми към мъжете. Започнах да ги разбирам, освен да ги обичам.
Посегнах отново към Холис по повелята на дълготрайно заболяване, като се биех в гърдите, че няма на какво повече да науча за влюбването и любовта, тъй като знам всичко. Но нуждата от нещо юнгианско, същевременно нещо силно и здраво в този момент, ме принуди набързо да пристъпя към четенето.
"Райският проект" е впечатляващо резюме на реалността, която стои зад влюбването и напъните ни да заобичаме някой друг освен себе си.
Книгата също е нещо, което би могло да бъде наречено обобщение на многотомното описание на човешките въжделения за спасение, на опитите ни да прехвърлим задачата на собствения ни живот върху някой друг и да се оттърсим от принудата да се държим като възрастни.
Повече на:
http://dianabookreviews.blogspot.com/...
Посегнах отново към Холис по повелята на дълготрайно заболяване, като се биех в гърдите, че няма на какво повече да науча за влюбването и любовта, тъй като знам всичко. Но нуждата от нещо юнгианско, същевременно нещо силно и здраво в този момент, ме принуди набързо да пристъпя към четенето.
"Райският проект" е впечатляващо резюме на реалността, която стои зад влюбването и напъните ни да заобичаме някой друг освен себе си.
Книгата също е нещо, което би могло да бъде наречено обобщение на многотомното описание на човешките въжделения за спасение, на опитите ни да прехвърлим задачата на собствения ни живот върху някой друг и да се оттърсим от принудата да се държим като възрастни.
Повече на:
http://dianabookreviews.blogspot.com/...
September 24, 2019
След тази книга съм фен на Юнг.
Всеки възпитател... постоянно трябва да си задава въпроса дали сам в собствения си живот изпълнява онова, на което учи другите. В сферата на психотерапията научихме, че най-важни са не знанията и техниката, а личността на терапевта. Същото е и с възпитанието - то предполага самовъзпитание. Юнг "За развитието на личността"
Всеки възпитател... постоянно трябва да си задава въпроса дали сам в собствения си живот изпълнява онова, на което учи другите. В сферата на психотерапията научихме, че най-важни са не знанията и техниката, а личността на терапевта. Същото е и с възпитанието - то предполага самовъзпитание. Юнг "За развитието на личността"
February 18, 2021
Reading this was a grind and a half. Felt repetitive and a bit difficult to understand at times. Has some good wisdom though
October 6, 2025
Все отношения начинаются и заканчиваются разрывом. И наши первые отношения с матерью заканчиваются разрывом в момент рождения. Поэтому человек стремиться вернуться «домой» с помощью других людей, веря что Другой может его спасти. Взаимодействуя с другими людьми мы проецируем на них свое прошлое. И задача человека начать замечать свои проекции. В тот момент, когда мы замечаем проекцию, начинается процесс ее ликвидации. И таким способом мы можем постепенно разглядеть в другом человеке другого, а не себя. А позволять Другому человеку быть Другим, а не мечтать, что он должен нас спасти и соответствовать нашим ожиданиям - это и есть любовь, требующая мужества и работы над собой.
Это моя втора�� книга Холлиса. Мне нравится читать, уходить в размышления, возвращаться вновь к книге и перечитывать. Мне нравится, что книга учит личной ответственности.
«Качество всех наших отношений с другими прямо зависит от того, как мы относимся к себе.»
«Лучший способ усовершенствовать свои отношения с другими и с трансцендентным - максимально полно осознать свое отношение к себе.»
«Чем лучше становится наше Я, тем более ценным даром оно оказывается для других.»
«Если мы хотим поддерживать хорошие отношения с другими, нам следует идти по жизни своим собственным путем.»
«Из того, что я хочу от этого Другого, что я должен сделать для себя сам?
Мы должны спросить себя относительно каждой проекции: «Что это говорит обо мне?» И все, что мы спрашиваем о Другом, нам нужно спросить о себе.
Мне нравится, что не смотря на сложный язык, есть понятные и простые примеры, ответы и руководство к действия. Например, как мы можем заметить свою проекцию? По количеству энергии, которое в ней содержится, тк оно никогда не соответствует ситуации. Так мы можем начать отслеживать свои чрезмерные реакции.
Также автор рассказывает про травмы, страхи и стратегии нашей психики по выживанию. И какими бы уникальными мы себя не считали, мы все подпадаем под описанные категории.
Важно осознать, что «Я — не то, что со мной случилось, а тот, кем я стал по своему выбору». Вновь автор возвращается нас к личной ответственности за свой путь.
А улучшить свои отношения можно работая над собой. Автор считает, что невозможно достичь более высокого уровня отношений с Другим, чем уровень отношений с самим собой.
Интересным бонусом для меня были главы, про то как отношения строятся и развиваются на уровне организации и про взаимодействие с религией.
В любом нашем взаимодействии мы ищем доброго волшебника, который нас спасет, но это фантазия которой не суждено сбыться. И нам следует идти за стремлениями своей души, пробираясь через свои страхи и формируя свою целостность. Целостность, которая обретается через общения с людьми, которые отзеркаливают нас, и через принятие противоположностей. И если кто-то, как я, ищет в чем же смысл нашей жизни, то автор отвечает на этот вопрос - в обретении собственной целостности.
Это моя втора�� книга Холлиса. Мне нравится читать, уходить в размышления, возвращаться вновь к книге и перечитывать. Мне нравится, что книга учит личной ответственности.
«Качество всех наших отношений с другими прямо зависит от того, как мы относимся к себе.»
«Лучший способ усовершенствовать свои отношения с другими и с трансцендентным - максимально полно осознать свое отношение к себе.»
«Чем лучше становится наше Я, тем более ценным даром оно оказывается для других.»
«Если мы хотим поддерживать хорошие отношения с другими, нам следует идти по жизни своим собственным путем.»
«Из того, что я хочу от этого Другого, что я должен сделать для себя сам?
Мы должны спросить себя относительно каждой проекции: «Что это говорит обо мне?» И все, что мы спрашиваем о Другом, нам нужно спросить о себе.
Мне нравится, что не смотря на сложный язык, есть понятные и простые примеры, ответы и руководство к действия. Например, как мы можем заметить свою проекцию? По количеству энергии, которое в ней содержится, тк оно никогда не соответствует ситуации. Так мы можем начать отслеживать свои чрезмерные реакции.
Также автор рассказывает про травмы, страхи и стратегии нашей психики по выживанию. И какими бы уникальными мы себя не считали, мы все подпадаем под описанные категории.
Важно осознать, что «Я — не то, что со мной случилось, а тот, кем я стал по своему выбору». Вновь автор возвращается нас к личной ответственности за свой путь.
А улучшить свои отношения можно работая над собой. Автор считает, что невозможно достичь более высокого уровня отношений с Другим, чем уровень отношений с самим собой.
Интересным бонусом для меня были главы, про то как отношения строятся и развиваются на уровне организации и про взаимодействие с религией.
В любом нашем взаимодействии мы ищем доброго волшебника, который нас спасет, но это фантазия которой не суждено сбыться. И нам следует идти за стремлениями своей души, пробираясь через свои страхи и формируя свою целостность. Целостность, которая обретается через общения с людьми, которые отзеркаливают нас, и через принятие противоположностей. И если кто-то, как я, ищет в чем же смысл нашей жизни, то автор отвечает на этот вопрос - в обретении собственной целостности.
August 29, 2024
"Моя собака делает больно иначе..."
В первую очередь хочется отметить, что книга разрушает множество иллюзий о человеческих отношениях, и тем самым действительно иногда делает очень больно.
Основная мысль книги, которая тянется длинной нитью через все повествование, состоит в том, что мы должны принимать другого человека как Другого (с большой буквы). Все наши отношения это "совместно-индивидуальные странствия". И что лучший подарок, который мы можем сделать нашему Другому – это сделать лучше себе, лучше понять себя, продвинуться по пути собственной индивидуации; потому что наши отношения ограничиваются уровнем развития каждого из участников отношений, и не могут стать лучше, пока каждый не станет лучше.
Книга в целом написана очень складно, читается легко, если вовремя обращаться к глоссарию Юнгианских терминов в конце.
Не могу убежать от сравнения этой книги с "Искусством любить" Э. Фромма. Если у Фромма послевкусие после прочтение скорее кисло-сладкое, то у этой книги оно горькое, что аж рот сводит. Прежде чем начинать читать, стоит быть готовым к тому, что она точно не сделает вам легче в моменте. Это не обезболивающее, это операция на открытом сердце без наркоза.
К прочтению рекомендую, если готовы к вышеописанному.
В первую очередь хочется отметить, что книга разрушает множество иллюзий о человеческих отношениях, и тем самым действительно иногда делает очень больно.
Основная мысль книги, которая тянется длинной нитью через все повествование, состоит в том, что мы должны принимать другого человека как Другого (с большой буквы). Все наши отношения это "совместно-индивидуальные странствия". И что лучший подарок, который мы можем сделать нашему Другому – это сделать лучше себе, лучше понять себя, продвинуться по пути собственной индивидуации; потому что наши отношения ограничиваются уровнем развития каждого из участников отношений, и не могут стать лучше, пока каждый не станет лучше.
Книга в целом написана очень складно, читается легко, если вовремя обращаться к глоссарию Юнгианских терминов в конце.
Не могу убежать от сравнения этой книги с "Искусством любить" Э. Фромма. Если у Фромма послевкусие после прочтение скорее кисло-сладкое, то у этой книги оно горькое, что аж рот сводит. Прежде чем начинать читать, стоит быть готовым к тому, что она точно не сделает вам легче в моменте. Это не обезболивающее, это операция на открытом сердце без наркоза.
К прочтению рекомендую, если готовы к вышеописанному.
September 30, 2024
Mindenkinek ajánlom a könyvet, hiszen akár felismerjük, akár nem, emberi természetünk mélyén mindnyájunkat ösztönszerűen mozgat a tökéletes, megváltó "éden" keresése, öltsön ez formát akár egy vallásos vagy spirituális "Másik" keresésében, akár a minket szerető, romantikus "Másik" keresésében. Ha meg akarunk valamit sejteni arról, hogy miért is keresi pszichénk annyira az "édent", hogyan szabotáljuk miatta a kapcsolatainkat, miért vagyunk hajlamosak projekciókra, és akár a végsőkig is elmenni az elképzeléseinkkel és az idealizálásainkkal, miközben fogalmunk sincs az igazi szeretetől (akár önmagunk, akár másik irányába) akkor ez a könyv egy remek kilátó és olyan filozófiai mélységekre is rátekinthetünk helyenként, hogy eláll a lélegzetünk. Számomra James Hollis újabb könyve ment a kedvenc könyvek polcára, hiszen azontúl, hogy a szükségletekről és a mágikus gondolkodásról egy lassú aha-édenkert volt számomra a olvasása, rengeteget adott önmagam mélyebb megértéséhez és az életem - egy talán majd bölcsebb - vezetéséhez is.
Garantált, hogy megváltoztat, és a világban járkálva annyi, de annyi mindenre másképp fogsz tekinteni, mire a könyv végére érsz.
Garantált, hogy megváltoztat, és a világban járkálva annyi, de annyi mindenre másképp fogsz tekinteni, mire a könyv végére érsz.
October 23, 2024
Я не понял
Книга небольшая, но последний десяток страниц, признаться, не осилил. Итак, о чем она
Основная и главная мысль состоит в том, что мы строим отношения, проецируя на людей ту их модель, которая существовала между вами-ребёнком и "важным другим", обычно вашими родителями. Путем активации разного рода энергетических комплексов, заложенных в нас воспитанием. И лучшее что можно сделать для другого человека, это заняться своим духовным и личностным ростом, вместо возложенэния груза ответственности за свою жизнь на партнёра.
И это все её содержание которое я вынес, буквально все. Остальные 80% текста заполнены абсолютно нечитаемой философской импровизацией на вольную тему, изобилующей штуками вроде "энергия души", "нуменозно", и даже "трансендентный космический героизм".
Я добросовестно прочёл все обзоры на книгу на русском языке, и, видимо, никто не вынес для себя чего-то другого, помимо авшеописанного. Разумеется, пять звезд ставят все.
У меня серьёзное впечатление, что автору платили за количество строк.
Не стоит портраченного времени
Книга небольшая, но последний десяток страниц, признаться, не осилил. Итак, о чем она
Основная и главная мысль состоит в том, что мы строим отношения, проецируя на людей ту их модель, которая существовала между вами-ребёнком и "важным другим", обычно вашими родителями. Путем активации разного рода энергетических комплексов, заложенных в нас воспитанием. И лучшее что можно сделать для другого человека, это заняться своим духовным и личностным ростом, вместо возложенэния груза ответственности за свою жизнь на партнёра.
И это все её содержание которое я вынес, буквально все. Остальные 80% текста заполнены абсолютно нечитаемой философской импровизацией на вольную тему, изобилующей штуками вроде "энергия души", "нуменозно", и даже "трансендентный космический героизм".
Я добросовестно прочёл все обзоры на книгу на русском языке, и, видимо, никто не вынес для себя чего-то другого, помимо авшеописанного. Разумеется, пять звезд ставят все.
У меня серьёзное впечатление, что автору платили за количество строк.
Не стоит портраченного времени
June 21, 2022
4.5 stars
Super-helpful explanation/articulation of Jungian ideas about projection, schema and individuation -- especially as they relate to romantic love and its development/usefulness. I'll go back and review those parts for sure.
The ideas about spirituality and religion are provocative and perhaps useful. The hubris of the writing bothered me more here than when talking about interpersonal love and personal growth -- identifying the author's theories as "facts" that others just can't seem to handle. Sigh...
The discussion in chapter 5 "Eros in Organization" suffers from god-awful class politics. Despi te the author's father's apparent work on the factory floor, the author's social circles seem comprised of CEOs and corporate VPs and all the thinking about organization assumes that really business cultures are just trickle down personal development of the bosses. A dialogue between Johnson's ideas about "the projection of parental authority onto an employer" with Marxist notions of workers' journey from being a "class in itself" to becoming a "class for itself" would be fruitful.
Super-helpful explanation/articulation of Jungian ideas about projection, schema and individuation -- especially as they relate to romantic love and its development/usefulness. I'll go back and review those parts for sure.
The ideas about spirituality and religion are provocative and perhaps useful. The hubris of the writing bothered me more here than when talking about interpersonal love and personal growth -- identifying the author's theories as "facts" that others just can't seem to handle. Sigh...
The discussion in chapter 5 "Eros in Organization" suffers from god-awful class politics. Despi te the author's father's apparent work on the factory floor, the author's social circles seem comprised of CEOs and corporate VPs and all the thinking about organization assumes that really business cultures are just trickle down personal development of the bosses. A dialogue between Johnson's ideas about "the projection of parental authority onto an employer" with Marxist notions of workers' journey from being a "class in itself" to becoming a "class for itself" would be fruitful.
February 12, 2022
Книгу читать порой было сложно (у автора не самый простой стиль изложения, порой очень много терминов из психоанализа), но мне она очень понравилась, т.к. содержание написанного точно стоит того чтобы приложить усилия и прочитать эту книгу. О чем же книга? Если коротко, наверное об иллюзиях в любви, а именно об иллюзии, что некто может исцелить тебя и помочь тебе стать собой, обрести смысл жизни и стать счастливым/счастливой, в общем найти эдакого Доброго Волшебника, который придёт, поможет, защитит, спасёт, решит все проблемы. Что же в данном случае делать? Взять на себя ответственность за отношение к своему бессознательному материалу, который и плодит все те проекции, мысли, действия и желания. Но это, конечно же, требует немало мужества. В общем, книгу стоит точно прочитать всем, кто пытается разобраться в себе, отношениях с партнером.
March 5, 2023
Another banger from Mr. Hollis. I love Love*
* This kind: “The love I speak of here is heroic; it is freeing to both parties, transformative rather than regressive. As finite beings, we are seldom up to its demands, but when we are, our journeys take on depth and substance.”
My relationship tome power ranking is now: Eden Project takes home gold, Stephen Mitchell’s Can Love Last with silver, and bronze for Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity.
* This kind: “The love I speak of here is heroic; it is freeing to both parties, transformative rather than regressive. As finite beings, we are seldom up to its demands, but when we are, our journeys take on depth and substance.”
My relationship tome power ranking is now: Eden Project takes home gold, Stephen Mitchell’s Can Love Last with silver, and bronze for Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity.
February 17, 2025
“We are meant to grieve loss, of course, but too often the overvaluation of the Other is achieved only through the devaluation of oneself”
“How could I do that to you, while professing to love you? How can you do that to me, while professing to love me?”
🔥
“How could I do that to you, while professing to love you? How can you do that to me, while professing to love me?”
🔥
August 19, 2020
James Hollis consistently offers so many enriching insights, and many are to be found in this book. There is a certain unevenness to this volume, however, which distracted me from the chapter on the corporate other to the end.
January 16, 2025
Изложены фундаментальные принципы с точки зрения Юнгианской психологии. Думаю я многое пропустил и буду перечитывать.
January 23, 2025
"The inner marriage is all very well, but it doesn't warm my feet at night."
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