I can't believe that I paid ten dollars for this shit. This will be riddled with spoilers because I care nothing about it.
Reading the blurb after I've finished the book, I see the hidden meaning. SAM TAKES OUT HIS EARBUDS AND REALLY STARTS LISTENING TO THE PEOPLE AROUND HIM WHO ARE SO SAD AND ALSO BLAME THEMSELVES FOR THE DEATH OF BELOVED HAYDEN WHO THOUGHT EVERYONE HATED HIM BUT SURPRISE HE WAS SO WRONG AND THAT PLAYLIST/SUICIDE NOTE WAS JUST A WAY TO PASS THE TIME PSYCH! There you go. That's your fucking story. I expected this big mystery, where each song meant opening up some new puzzle piece, and ultimately leading to the cause of Hayden's suicide. No. It was nothing that deep.
I need to make myself very clear: I am NOT belittling any type of suicide. The ending for their life is stolen from them. The feelings that they leave behind for the people that love them are terrible. I know how tragic this is. But I cannot get over the fact that this story didn't provide some in depth, horrible terrible no-good life that Hayden was living. It showed that he did not want to meet new people. It showed that he wanted to be a recluse. It showed that his brother bullied him and that his parents were douchebags. But in all of that he had a rad best friend. And his rad friend's mom loved him like he was part of the family. And his parents gave him money to spend on video games and comic books. And did I mention he didn't want to branch out and meet new people?? This wasn't a woe be me story. This was just a kid who felt like life wasn't everything he wanted RIGHT NOW.
I feel like I sound like a dick. Maybe I am. But this was supposed to be a story about a kid who lost his friend to suicide, and was supposed to figure out what his death meant. When did it turn into teen romance/drama hour? Astrid is a character that I never ever grew to like. "I know Hayden. I know his secret pains. I know all about him even though he never told you about me. NO I WON'T TELL YOU ANYTHING! Seriously Sam, I will not tell you anything. OH MY GOD DID WE JUST KISS?!? WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW I AM AN OPEN BOOK!" What the fuck. She was this cryptic piece of shit teenage girl who just wanted a boy to drool over her. Her past means NOTHING to me. Sure, it's sad that her dad died. But to think that Ryan dumping her was as terrible as that is ludicrous. And that's how she makes it sound. She's a shallow little bitch. "Once upon a time I was a cheerleader and I had a super great life BUT then my dad died and I decided to stop being a preppy little slut and decided to be ARTSY! I wear fake highlighted hair strands and my new bff is totally gay and I heard someone talking about Sam and now I TOTALLY NEED HIM!" I don't know why I am so angry. But I am.
Let's talk about how EVERYONE thinks it's their fault that Hayden is dead. And for the WORST reasons.
Sam: Hayden totally killed himself because we got into one real fight in our whole friendship and I was THAT important to him.
Astrid: Hayden totally killed himself because I didn't go to a party to stop people from being mean and I have the power to stop ALL MEANNESS.
Eric: Hayden totally killed himself because I kept Astrid from going to a party where she could've stopped people from being mean and she has the power to stop ALL MEANNESS. (Eric was a little in love with Astrid despite being gay, let's be honest)
Athena (or whatever her forgettable name was): Hayden totally killed himself because I called him a liar and a fake and decided I didn't want to be his girlfriend (maybe for a fifteen year old this is a real reason, but it's the only one)
Ryan: Hayden totally killed himself because I was a mean big brother and crushed his hope of having a lady friend to bone. But I was just jealous because mom and dad let him play video games while I had to be smart and good at football.
I hate this book. So much. I kept expecting it to get better. And then there were a few Joss references. And I thought THIS WOMAN HAS DECENT TASTE! But no. The good songs and the awesome references were not enough to save this shitty book. I could go on for days, weeks, possible centuries, about how much I hate this book.
But part of me does hope that it resounds with the younger crowd, and shows anyone going through a rough time that suicide isn't the answer. I would've burned this book as a teenager. But I am often times in the minority. Oh well. Shitty book. Shitty characters. Good soundtrack that I will post here:
Playlist for the Dead
How to Disappear Completely - Radiohead
Crown of Love - Arcade Fire
Mad World - Tears for Fears/Gary Jules
Invisible - Skylar Grey
One - Metallica
Pumped Up Kicks - Foster the People
I Don’t Want to Grow Up - The Ramones
Diane Young - Vampire Weekend
Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
One Step Closer - Linkin Park
The Mariner’s Revenge Song - The Decemberists
Adam’s Song - Blink 182
Alison - Elvis Costello
This is How it Goes - Aimee Mann
Despair - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
On Your Own - The Verve
Let it Go - The Neighbourhood
Say Something - A Great Big World
Everybody Knows - Leonard Cohen
How to Fight Loneliness - Wilco
Conversation 16 - The National
Last Goodbye - Jeff Buckley
Hurt - Nine Inch Nails
For Emma - Bon Iver
Cosmic Love - Florence and the Machine
The Mother We Share - Chvrches
It’s Only Life - The Shins
I may update this later on, when I don't have to make dinner. Who knows. My message: DON'T READ THE BOOK; LISTEN TO THE MUSIC!
Dinner didn't burn, and I'm back to finish, and state some big major points as to why this book sucks ass.
1. Hayden's suicide is never explained. Here's what we know about Hayden: he lived a half shitty life/half awesome life. I talked about this before, but I'm serious. His parents preached "Hayden, what are your grades? Why are you not doing better? If you don't get into college, we will not continue to support you" as they slipped a hundred dollar bill into his hand. People at school thought Hayden was weird because of his big brother picked on him, but his best friend was always there for him and agreed wholeheartedly that Ryan was Super Dick. Hayden never wanted to meet anyone new, yet he had two secret friends that he never told his bff about because.... why? That secret was taken to the grave, along with many, many others. Speaking of, here's the beef I'm trying to get to: WHY THE FUCK DID HAYDEN KILL HIMSELF? Because everyone thinks it's their fault. But whenever they talk about how it's their fault everyone around them says "No no, sweetheart, it totally wasn't your fault" until we get to Ryan. And realistically, Ryan was just a douche older brother. That's life. We need to roll with it and move it on.
I am ranting. But here's some more. ARCHMAGE_GED. This was the username Hayden used on the MMORPG Mage Warfare. This is the username that Astrid secretly used on Gchat to make Sam think he was going crazy. After these conversations start, this little wizard figurine that Sam bought to remind him of Hayden COMES TO LIFE. I am not shitting you. He looks at his bed and there is the wizard, in full people size, just chillaxing away. He looks at where the figurine usually sits and it is gone. He looks back to the bed and full size person wizard is gone, and then back to the shelf where the figurine is now sitting again. THIS IS NEVER EVER EXPLAINED except in the very last chapter on the second to last page where he flippantly states "My school psychologist says I was probably just not sleeping enough." Nope. No, that isn't going to cut it. You aren't allowed to throw in FULL ON HALLUCINATIONS into your YA book about teenage suicide and not explain this shit. I am still angry and it's been a day since I finished this.
Lastly, the attacks around town on the bully trifecta. Hayden literally thinks he's going crazy, blacking out, and beating up Hayden's tormentors a la super hero style. Then he thinks Hayden has come back from the dead and is taking care of business himself. He is freaking out. He thinks the cops are after him because everyone is saying he did it. He is losing sleep. He is tracking people down and interrogating them like a bona fide fifteen year old copper. It is really annoying. It becomes even MORE annoying when you find out that it was actually Astrid. She says she's doing this because Ryan dumped her in her time of need, because they ruined Athena's shot at love, because they outed her bff. Sam is furious because she didn't do all of this for Hayden's revenge. Then she backpedals and exclaims that it was ALL for Hayden! Now Sam is just pissed that she hurt people. They can longer be together. But he's going to spend the next year pining after her and thinking of giving her a mixed cd. Ah, young romance that makes me want to barf all over the place.
Falkoff is a writer that I am putting on my FUCK NO list. This just did not work for me in one single way. How did this awesome looking cover hold such SHIT inside of it?