How Much for Just the Planet?

Star Trek: The Original Series #36

by John M. Ford

Dilithium. In crystalline form, the most valuable mineral in the galaxy. It powers the Federation's starships... and the Klingon Empire's battlecruisers. Now on a small, out-of-the-way planet named Direidi, the greatest fortune in dilithium crystals ever seen has been found.

Under the terms of the Organian Peace Treaty, the planet will go to the side best able to develop the planet and its resources. Each side will contest the prize with the prime of its fleet. For the Federation--Captain James T. Kirk and the starship Enterprise. For the Klingons--Captain Kaden vestai-Oparai and the Fire Blossom.

Only the Direidians are writing their own script for this contest--a script that propels the crew of the Enterprise into their strangest adventure yet!

Genres: Star Trek, Science Fiction, Fiction, Humor, Science Fiction Fantasy, Comedy, Media Tie In

253 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 1987

About the author

John Milo "Mike" Ford was a science fiction and fantasy writer, game designer and poet.

Ford was regarded (and obituaries, tributes and memories describe him) as an extraordinarily intelligent, erudite and witty man. He was a popular contributor to several online discussions. He composed poems, often improvised, in both complicated forms and blank verse, notably Shakespearean pastiche; he also wrote pastiches and parodies of many other authors and styles.At Minicon and other science fiction conventions he would perform "Ask Dr. Mike", giving humorous answers to scientific and other questions in a lab coat before a whiteboard.

Ford passed away from natural causes in 2006 at his home in Minneapolis.

Biography source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_M._...

Reviews

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

How Much For Just the Planet? may well not be what you expect in a Star Trek novel--although the reviews you're reading will give you a better idea. I for one didn't expect it from the back cover copy, despite being charmed by the first few pages, in which the food replicators serve oddly colored orange juice (electric blue) and Klingon battertoast (undress-tunic green) and interpret idioms as requests for food. I'm not really sure if the reason for that was ever explained, actually... Admittedly, it was my first Star Trek novel (perhaps fitting then that this is my first review), but the others I've read since then are generally less silly.

Yes, it IS rather silly, as its beginning with the replicator incident should probably indicate. As the back cover blurb suggests, the book is about the Federation, as represented by the Enterprise, and the Klingons arguing over a planet with vast dilithium reserves. What is only hinted at is that it's also an intricately plotted but farcical comedy of errors, complete with Gilbert & Sullivan parodies (however, not being very familiar with their songs, I wish, like another reviewer, that what was being parodied was clearer.) and overabundance of pink Vulcan-non-peppermint (n'gaan to be exact) milkshake. There is even something about it a bit reminiscent of Terry Pratchett's writing.

One of my favorite moments involves the "inflatable rubber starship" that is being discussed on the first page, and which is, of course, top secret, and the fact that a couple of mischievous youngsters have no idea what it is, but I'll let you discover that for yourself.

The reviewers who don't like the book seem to complain about inaccurate characterization and the outright silliness. While I wouldn't say it was the most evocative characterization, I didn't find it a detraction from the experience. However, because of this, and the nature of the plot, I don't recommend this book to Star Trek fans who insist on accuracy and serious science or who don't appreciate lighthearted dramatics, cultural references, and this type of comedy. To those who do, I hope you read and enjoy!

[Surreysmum · Rating 1 out of 5]

[These notes were made in 1987:]. Frankly, not one of my favourites. Based on a personal whimsy, in fact, which I don't share. Ford has transported the principals of the Enterprise, with a few made-up extras, plus an equal number of Klingons, onto a planet where no matter how they try to resolve situations they end up in slapstick comedy situations. It eventually comes out that this is by design of the local inhabitants, who do not wish either the Federation or the Klingons to have total control of the large dilithium deposits on the planet. This is all, however, very secondary to what obviously gave the author great glee -- namely, writing up the "situations" themselves. Alas, he does not have the comic gifts of his originals (everyone from Shakespeare to W.C. Fields). And the characterizations suffer more than a little violence along the way. So I'm afraid I was more bored than anything else.

[Jerry (Rebel With a Massive Media Library) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Absurd. Shouldn't even have the words Star Trek on its cover. An insult to space opera.

EDIT: I guess I was in a bad mood when I read this previously; I enjoyed it a lot better this time around. Sure, it's different for this franchise, but, in this case, that's a good thing.

[Ann aka Iftcan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ok, I have to admit it--I LOVED this book because the author had the crew having SSOOO much fun. While some of the classic episodes were definately drama, they also had more than a few that were simply comic. (Come on, The Trouble with Tribbles? Mudd's Women) And this is in the same spirit of light hearted adventure. Plus, I could just HEAR those old theme songs running through my head as the characters on this world had fun with the filking they did with them.

[Reesha · Rating 1 out of 5]

I truly hated this book. I am mystified about its current 3.61 average rating upon writing this review.

The story was farcical without being funny, complex without being interesting, referential without being clever, and made 185 pages feel like twice as much. It took me a month to plod through and every last page was painful.

I have zero problems with a hilarious story. I love to laugh! But this isn't funny at all. It tries and tries, but it all just falls flat. It's like someone read Douglas Adams and said "Oh, I could do that!" but noooooo, they could not.

1.5 stars. Mostly for the Lovecraft reference on page 150 and the pratfall on page 163.

I'd recommend avoiding it, but apparently lots of other people wouldn't, so I guess it all comes down to your personal sense of humour. Personally, I've never once found a cream pie fight amusing.

[Stephen Robert Collins · Rating 3 out of 5]

This not a normal Trek it is more comical book about taking Micky out of the Klingons

[Terence · Rating 2 out of 5]

I originally gave this novel one star. I first read it as a teen-ager and couldn't finish it. I had had high hopes because - at the time - I had just come off of reading Ford's phenomenally good The Final Reflection and the brilliant The Dragon Waiting but I wasn't a Gilbert & Sullivan fan and my love affair with Shakespeare was unconsummated so much of it went over my head. And having come from The Final Reflection, I couldn't quite believe in the Klingon characters. Ford appeared to be sacrificing the authenticity of Kirk et al. and his version of the Klingons to writing a homage to G&S and Shakespeare, and it didn't quite work.

And it still doesn't entirely work. I remain a nonfan of Gilbert & Sullivan and I do get more of the Shakespeare references but the story doesn't ring true, and - for me - it remains a failed experiment.

[David H. · Rating 3 out of 5]

One of the most bizarre Star Trek novels I think I've ever read. It contains references to Gilbert and Sullivan, The Maltese Falcon, Swordspoint, Rawhide, and lord knows what else. And from looking at some online articles, tons of people show up as cameos (Diane Duane, Neil Gaiman, the author himself, etc.)

It's a supremely silly novel, and one should read it in that way (if the bright blue orange juice in the first chapter didn't tip you off, the Gilbert & Sullivan song once Kirk and crew beam to the planet sure should).

[Pippin · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is the rare book that makes me laugh out loud- this one did. Even though I was watching the Cardinals lose game five of the World Series, I couldn't stop chuckling. It plays out like the best sort of the TOS episodes, with all the characters slipping comfortably into their time-honored positions and just having fun with it. The plot is madcap and highly unlikely, the situations are hilarious... Oh yes, and Scotty, Sulu, and Uhura sing a song from Gilbert and Sullivan. This alone makes it worth reading. In fact, the entire book reads like a Gilbert and Sullivan libretto. And that's a good thing.

[Jonathan Koan · Rating 1 out of 5]

I hate having to give one stars out. In the year 2022, I haven't had to give any out thus far. In 2021, I only gave out 2. Unfortunately, my streak of good books is at an end, as I had quite a lot of problems with this book. I don't mind bending lore, going more wacky if it means I'll be entertained. Unfortunately, this book is neither entertaining for me, nor does it work in Star Trek lore.

The first problem with this book is the cover. The cover does effectively set the tone of the book, but the cover has Kruge on it. Kruge isn't even in the book at all! There are klingons in the book, but they for some reason chose Kruge from "Search for Spock" to use in the marketing. I was disappointed that he didn't show up in the book at all, and feel this is an example of false advertising.

The plot of this book isn't just comical or funny, but rather a full on farse! John M. Ford dialed the obsurdness up to an 11, setting up absolutely cheesy, wacky situations that weren't actually funny. Very few of the jokes landed, and the story wasn't that engaging.

Also, the worldbuilding was difficult to follow, as Ford keeps contradicting himself. At the beginning of the book, it establishes that there is only one building above ground. However, there is a scene later on where characters are walking around aboveground in a market with many buildings around them.

The ending is meant to tie up everything and make the characters feel better for being the punchline of a joke, but in actuality this would not solve the problem of the planet's alignment. Much like the Star Wars book "Ronin", nothing really about this book matches up with Star Trek, other than the fact that the author used familiar characters, species, and sci-fi names.

As I said earlier, I'm willing for tie-in books to expand into new genres and try new things, but they must keep the tone and spirit of the original material alive, and this book doesn't do that. 1 out of 10. Sorry John M. Ford and Simon and Schuster, but this one missed the mark entirely.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

So, why was I reading a Star Trek novel? I have read a bunch of Next Generation novels in my day, but I never really appreciated original-flavor Trek, mostly because of Kirk's fondness for womanizing and punching people.

But I had been told by reputable sources that this was perhaps the best Star Trek novel ever written, and out of a general appreciation for John M. Ford's writing, I picked it up. The plot concerns a newly-discovered planet with huge reserves of dilithium crystals, the essential energy source for both the Klingons and the Federation. Because the planet lies in a treaty zone, both the Federation and the Klingons get to have a crack at courting the planet to get it to join up with one side or the other. And from there, things get a lot wackier.

There is bursting into song. There are references to classic old movies. Alas, I'm not terribly familiar with either Gilbert and Sullivan or classic old movies, and a lot of the funny stuff went over my head. But I did enjoy the wackiness of it, and the everyone-working-at-hilarious-cross-purposes of the plot, and it's my own fault that I wasn't better able to get the jokes.

[Ungelic_is_us · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this on the strength of a friend's reccomendation and the reputation of the author. The result: I absolutely laughed myself sick, while reading this book. It is just so damn funny. Seriously, folks: this book is about a Star Trek...musical. It is zany. Think "Inspector General." And weirdest of all: it works! I would love, love, LOVE to see someone actually stage this book.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is not at all what you are probably thinking of when you hear the words "Star Trek tie-in novel". This is what happens when the sort of person who does logic puzzles for fun and makes up incredibly over-elaborate theories about things and worries about talking down to people decides to write a farce. And set it in the Star Trek universe.

I enjoyed it! But wow, this is... otherwise weirdly inexplicable.

[Clark Knowles · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first 50 pages are a hoot, but the rest devolves into a series of farcical misunderstandings and nothing is resolved. Just a lot of weird stuff happens and then it’s over. Plus, not nearly enough Spock. If you want to read brilliant John M. Ford, I’d highly recommend his novel The Dragon Waiting.

[Steven · Rating 2 out of 5]

I've enjoyed John M Ford's books before, but for whatever reason, this one never quite landed for me despite multiple attempts. Got more than half way through the book and kept setting it aside, picking it up again, only to find I still wasn't getting engaged with the plot or his versions of the characters. Such is life. Just not sticking for me right now.

[Taaya · Rating 1 out of 5]

The first Star Trek novel I wanted to throw away halfway through.
It started of great, 5* potential with a malfunctioning computer that actually had some kind of personality of it's own. THAT would have been a great story but in the end this plot was discarded without a proper solution for about 200 pages of ... nonsense?
There were too many holes in the logic of this novel. First of all, there's a whole Starfleet crew stranded on a planet. The planet is full of dilithium, most important stuff in the universe, yes, but once Kirk beams down, he's too busy eating, drinking and helping a princess that's not really a princess to make her lover look like a hero in set up robbery. He doesn't ask for his missing fellows, he doesn't ask for the dilithium and his crew goes wandering off on their own without either permission or telling anybody.
And second the planet's inhabitants say (among themselves, so not in a way to discourage the Federation or the Klingons) that nobody can send a message from the planet, but not only do they know that the Federation shows a video produced by one of the inhabitants, but there's also a lot of trading with other worlds?

This book is just extremely badly edited. Because that is not even part of the whole comedy the inhabitants play for both the Klingons and the humans, but the basic setting and characters are already faulty.

The story itself then is actually simply not interesting. A headache infusing spinning between plot lines that never seem to lead anywhere.

But the worst part are the songs. Every few pages somebody bursts into songs without any reason. It's extremely annoying and actually way out of character for Kirk and his crew (maybe except Uhura) to simply listen to it instead of demanding information in a more effective way.

So apart from the first maybe 20 pages this book is unfortunately not worth reading.

And who the hell are Gilbert and Sullivan? And where is this supposed to be Shakespearian? I love Shakespeare, but this is nothing like his plays.

[Josh · Rating 3 out of 5]

You have to appreciate this book for what it is: an absolutely earnest attempt to write the zaniest Vaudeville-level comedy book ever--complete with ruses, mistaken identities, and piefights--AND set it in the Star Trek universe.

Re-read 2022: As silly as I remembered. Classic Trek has tons of funny bits and this is like, what if they made the whole show out of Scotty's cultural fanaticism or McCoy's orneriness? Ford leans fully into the show's goofier sensibilities, and throws in dozens of song parodies along the way. Is it *actually truly* funny? Well, sorta. Less LOL and more chuckling and eye-rolling and appreciating the accomplishment. Maybe if I had ever actually seen any Gilbert & Sullivan.

[Frank Davis · Rating 4 out of 5]

This story was a whole lot of fun. Part mystery, part musical, part adventure, and all comedy. The events were consistently absurd while thoroughly entertaining, much like a Douglas Adams story. The progression of the story amid the absurdity was well achieved and kept me engaged throughout.

I found the Klingon connoisseur of Earth films/stories a bit of an unnecessary stretch. Uhura could easily have filled that role.

I think this would work very well as a musical or a double part episode. Perhaps even better than it did as a book. I must admit that for me, after the first few songs it became tedious to read so much singing. But that was the only drawback for me and it didn't deter from my interest in the story.

[Sesana · Rating 5 out of 5]

For some reason, this absolute legend, known until this point for making the first attempts to flesh out the Klingons as something other than recurring villains, came up with the brilliant idea to write a Star Trek musical comedy novel, and get paid to do it. There are extensive musical numbers. Classic movies are quoted. A fish is bulletproof. There's a giant pie fight. Vulcan milkshakes. Neil Gaiman and Diane Duane make cameo appearances. Most readers will have one of three responses to this book: an angry WTF, a confused WTF, or a delighted WTF. I cycled between the latter two responses, but my confusion was mostly that this was actually published as an official Star Trek novel. This is one of the more silly pieces of fandom history, and it's hilarious and delightful.

[Zuzana · Rating 1 out of 5]

So this is what a Star Trek musical episode would have looked like. Kirk and co. plus several Klingons stuck on a singing and dancing planet fighting for Dilithium mining rights.

The attempts at humor were either dumb or just plain bizarre. I'm sorry I picked it up. What a waste of time.

[Carson Connor · Rating 1 out of 5]

Wut. Wut. Wut. This book is wrong on so many levels. First of all: blasphemy. Turning Star Trek into the three stooges. Second off all: absolutely horrible story. Confusing writing. Lastly: terrible, cop-out ending. This book was a pile of poop

[C.T. Phipps · Rating 4 out of 5]

A pallet cleanser for me as I get off horror for a bit to do a flashback to the funnier days of the Star Trek franchise. Well before the official Star Trek Expanded Universe was established in 1987, How Much For Just the Planet? was released to mixed reaction. Why? Because it's to Star Trek what Monty Python and the Holy Grail is to Arthurian lore.

And it's glorious.

Oh, don't get me wrong, this novel is about as substantial as a vanilla wafer but sometimes that's what you want from a story. Not everything has to be The Wrath of Khan (despite attempts by movie makers to do so) or The Undiscovered Country. Here, it's just a bunch of ludicrous situations the Enterprise crew is forced to confront. Even so, the book makes a few wiry points about moral equivalence, imperialism, and empire-building.

The premise of the book is the Klingons and Federation have signed a treaty thanks to the events of "Errand of Mercy." For those unfamiliar with said episode, godlike aliens forced both empires to cease their aggression against one another under threat of mutually assured destruction. Furthermore, the Federation and Klingons would be allowed to expand only if they demonstrated themselves better equipped to colonize or develop worlds along their borders.

This is problematic as, on the planet Direidi, they have no desire to part of either the Federation or Klingon Empire. This would be fine if not for the fact the planet is more or less one gigantic ball of dilithium crystals. Even in 1987, it's hard not to see the parallels over oil. Of course, mining "less developed" nations for resources goes back to when men with iron-spears were dominating those with bronze ones. That it's happening in the enlightened future of Gene Roddenberry doesn't bother me at all.

Some habits are hard to shake.

Captain James T. Kirk and company thus set out to planet Direidi in order to convince the locals to side with the Federation for their own good. The Klingons also send one of their best ships to do the same, albeit with slightly less doubletalk. The book goes out of its way to show the two sides aren't that different, up to and including replicators producing strangely colored food. It reminded me a bit of some bits from the Illuminatus Trilogy.

What could have been played as a serious drama, however, is portrayed as a farce. We've already had the moral equivalence of Klingons and the Federation done before, in "Errand of Mercy" no less, so beating that drum wouldn't add anything more to the franchise. Instead, we have love-triangles and musical numbers plus an all-consuming milkshake threat.

Yes, I'm serious.

Some of the humor falls a little flat and a lot of the in-jokes are going to fly right by you if you're not familiar with some of the authors he pokes fun at. Still, it's an enjoyable little romp and something I can hardly call a poor edition to the franchise. Star Trek takes itself way too seriously sometimes and it's fans do the same.

There's really not much to talk about plot-wise because the plot exists to do a series of sketch-scenes and running gags which carry on from one chapter to the next. It's a bit like the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy in that respect but without Douglas Adam's sense of cosmic horror used for absurdest comedy. This is a far lighter tale and not as funny but it's still very-very funny.

Which is all it wants to be.

8/10

[John Defrog: global citizen, local gadfly · Rating 3 out of 5]

As much as I liked both Star Trek and reading as a youngster, I never really got into the Star Trek tie-in novels. I read a few and they were okay, but the only ones I ever really enjoyed were the Star Trek Log anthologies by Alan Dean Foster (which were adapted from the ST Saturday morning cartoon series). Which I mention up front because the only reason I picked up this one was that Neil Gaiman told me to. Or, more accurately, Gaiman recommended this novel for three reasons: (1) he was a friend of John M Ford’s, (2) Ford gave him a cameo in the story, and (3) it’s possibly the silliest Star Trek novel ever written.

The basic premise sounds like standard ST stuff – ships from the Federation and the Klingon Empire simultaneously discover a colony planet loaded with dilithium, starting a race to make contact with the locals to get the mining rights. But when the story opens with breakfast going wrong on three different ships, a sloppy Vulcan and a paranoid computer, you know this isn’t your typical ST episode. Indeed, it’s probably the only ST story to feature musical production numbers, screwball comedy, golf duels, an epic pie fight and a nerdy Klingon obsessed with Golden-Age Hollywood films.

It’s also arguably the only ST novel to portray Klingons as basically ordinary people with mundane problems like the rest of us (albeit within the context of Klingon culture) – a trope that pretty much no one ran with after this came out. In fact, according to legend, this novel was so weird that the editors responsible for the series supposedly gave orders to all writers to never do anything like this again. Indeed, it makes me wonder how Ford got away with it in the first place. I’m glad he did – it’s a flawed but fun goofball of a novel, and I sincerely hope someone makes a film version of it one day. In fact, I dare JJ Abrams to make it so.

[Peter Cashwell · Rating 3 out of 5]

Rarely does the word "bonkers" seem applicable in a book review, but here we are. Between the near-endless riffs on classic films, the self-destructing robot chanteuse, the homicidal golf match, and the copious amounts of Vulcan effluvia, there is something resembling a Star Trek tale, but not very much. Ford essentially creates the scenario for a comedy and drops a handful of Enterprise crew members (and their Klingon counterparts) into the middle of it.

They're not even particularly similar to their televised versions; Kirk lacks both his usual bluster and apparently his libido, while Spock barely appears and Bones is basically a Waffle House patron, not a doctor. We're treated to musical numbers (which don't come off all that well, as books lack a soundtrack), a section of door-slamming farce, a bit of Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys juvenile mischief, a seemingly random jewel thief narrative, a Maltese Falcon pastiche, and of course a pie fight, but in the end they don't add up to more than the sum of their parts, and they may not add up to that much.

God knows there's plenty of room for comedy in the Star Trek universe, but in this case I feel as though Ford tried to cram the Star Trek universe into a much smaller space in the Comedy Universe--a single stateroom, perhaps--and the results, while never less than diverting, don't quite leave enough room for success.

[Josh Mauthe · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would love to have been there for the sales pitch on this book.

“John, you’re an amazing writer; we’re so thankful you’re agreeing to do these Trek books. That last one you did was incredible - it really brought the Klingons to life and was a legitimately great piece of sci-fi. What’s next?”

“I’m glad you asked. It’s a musical comedy.”

“…what?”

“It has musical numbers. Oh, don’t worry about the lyrics rights; I wrote all the songs.”

“…”

“Also, there’s an extended meta homage to Hitchcock.”

“…”

“And a bedroom farce sequence.”

“…John. What are fans going to do with this?”

“Not my problem!”

—-

I cannot imagine what an unsuspecting Trekkie thought of this book; as for me, who came in because of Ford and only knew a LITTLE bit about how bonkers it was? Pure delight.

[Jeff · Rating 4 out of 5]

How do you fight your enemies if powerful aliens prevent it? Naturally you get a little silly, that's how!
"How Much for Just the Planet?" is a musical novel of Star Trek silliness. A little like "It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World", a little bit "Bugsy Malone", part "Slapstick, or Lonesome No More", perhaps a tad-bit of Gilbert and Sullivan (maybe).
I enjoyed it, but I like these sorts of things; but it might not be for everyone.
Okay, that's it. Goodbye!
Wait, you're still here? My silly review is over. You can go home now. Bye! Get out of here!

[A.L. Sirois · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book does not spark joy. I am abandoning it on page 198 of 253. It's silly and isn't engaging. I have never read any of John M. Ford's work before, not have I read any STAR TREK novels. I would give Ford another chance, as his writing seems good, but I won't be giving STAR TREK novels another chance. One of the most annoying things about this book is that a lot of it is given over to Gilbert & Sullivan tropes, and I am not a huge G&S fan. Oh well -- better luck next time.

[iasa · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't find this all that humorous nor was it what I wanted from a Star Trek novel

[Alice Lamora · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't even know

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Both the Federation and the Klingon Empire have discovered a planet that contains a much needed item, dilithium. How will the inhabitants cope and response to the beings arriving.
An acquired sense of humour needed.
Overall an enjoyable re-read.