Global Domination for Beginners

by Will Once

Alternative cover version

Isn’t it annoying when your plans for world domination are thwarted at the last moment by an impossibly good looking secret agent in a dinner jacket?

What if the secret agent fails? If you do manage to take over the world, would you be able to keep control?

And just what would you do with the world if you were in charge?

Global domination for Beginners tells the story of a megalomaniac who actually does take over the world.

Is he evil, misguided or a force for good? Only you can decide.

Genres: Humor

Unknown Binding

First published October 3, 2014

About the author

Laughter in a crazy world...

Life is too short for bad wine, a home without love or a world without humour.

Back in the twenty teens, I tried my hand at this novel writing thing. I had a great time, met some lovely people and scratched a major issue.

Now I have reached the tender age of 60. I have retired from the UK civil service and have lots of free time. So I'm getting back into the writing - 12 years since I started.

More to follow

Reviews

[Chip · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow - this was a fun, fun read! I'm always delighted when I come across a book told from the point of view of the bad guy. If you happen to know of any I've missed, let me know in the comments :) Since this is the third one I've come across, I've even created a shelf to list them. And yes, I loved the movie Despicable Me for the same reason. Now, where can I get some minions?

"Did you hear about Katie Parkinson? ... She's going out with Christopher... They've been kissing."

"It was like a Semtex explosion in my brain. I did not know whether to cry or run away."

And THAT my friend, is the basis for world domination. Who among us has not had a secret (or not-so-secret) love that was denied because we lacked the bravery to speak up? Who among us has not immediately tried to figure out what to do to make it right? Who among us didn't immediately come up with a plan to conquer the world just to win that cute love back?

What? A lot of hands went down on that last one? I must have been the only one. No wonder I felt a kinship with Robbie. However, unlike Robbie, I gave up my dream and let real life continue. THIS is the story of what just might happen if you don't give up that dream. If you pursue global domination, but really are good at heart. Sometimes, the people that society hates are the true heroes. Just ask Shrek! (ooooo - two animated movie references in one review!)

This book is very well developed and I had a hard time putting it down. The author draws you in and has you quickly rooting for the bad guy. Even the sidekicks in the story are fun and fleshed out. They are quirky and enjoyable.

I will most definitely read more by this author. FULL DISCLOSURE: The author provided me with a review copy of this book. Trust me, if you think a $2.99 (or free in kindle unlimited) discount will change my opinion or review, you don't know me.

[David Staniforth · Rating 4 out of 5]

If there is one thing better than really enjoying a book, it’s really enjoying a book that you didn’t expect to like. And I did not expect to like this book.

I gave it a go because I enjoy reading the author’s blog. Nonetheless, I entered it hesitantly as I don’t like spoofs. I didn’t enjoy the airplane films, or those comedy police films with naked in the title, and I don’t like Austin Powers. That is the kind of book I expected this to be, but it isn’t, at all, it’s so much more. I was expecting gags and asides galore that I’ve already heard that would make me groan, as well as ones I hadn’t heard that would still make me groan. What I found was fresh humour that constantly made me chuckle and occasionally laugh out loud.

All in all a great read, with some insightful moments, that is well worth checking out.

Looking forward now to reading more Will Once. There’s a fantasy title by him that I will certainly be taking a look at some time in the not too distant future.

[Al "Tank" · Rating 5 out of 5]

James Bond Runs Afoul of Mel Brooks

Robert, Lump, and Katie are childhood friends. Robert has a crush on Katie, but is too shy to tell her. Lump is … well, Lump; a tough kid with a simple outlook on life.

When Katie starts dating another boy, Robert is finally driven to the idea that to get her back, he’ll have to take over the world. Now, this would be laughable, except that Robert is quite brilliant, in a bit of a bumbling way. With Lump as his “muscle” and sidekick, they embark on a scheme to achieve the goal of dominating the world. First, they have to get rich, which Robert manages in the world of business. Then they have to acquire co-conspirators and henchmen. And if possible, an island with a suitable volcano (any megalomaniac worth spit has to have a lair inside a volcano) and perhaps some cargo ships and submarines. And something special for Lump.

Along the way, no James Bond cliché is left unspoiled. British humor is a subtle thing, often too subtle for a Yank like me. But this book is loaded with it. The jokes often sneaked up on me and left me laughing until I cried.

And the ending? Most unusual.

[A.S. Akkalon · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book aims at silly and hits it right on the nose. It is a light, enjoyable read with a lot of great one-liners that made me grin and some that made me laugh out loud, which I immediately had to share with my husband. Some humorous books struggle to keep up the humour as the plot ramps up, resulting in a first half in which nothing happens but the reader laughs a lot, and a second half in which things do happen but the book’s no longer funny (or interesting). Global Domination for Beginners isn’t one of these books. The laughs carry on throughout, and it also has a solid plot right from the start.

My main issue is with the narrator’s voice. It’s conversational and full of character, which I enjoyed. However, the voice is exceptionally strong, and therein lies my issue. After a while the very strength of it started to tire me.

The book isn’t just laughs. It does make a few serious points about, well, how to rule the world, or really how the world should be run and what’s wrong with the system we have. But these aren’t preachy and largely avoid being heavy-handed, so they didn’t diminish my enjoyment of the book.

Overall, great light entertainment.

[William Foreignerski · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book if you're after some light read on the beach or on the train. Indeed, the dialogue and description remind of Pratchett, in a good sense. A thing that caught my eye as an area for improvement: scene development. There are too many scenes that seem to be there just so that the characters could exhibit their accents and funny puns, Pratchett-style. Difference being that Pratchett’s scenes always move the plot forward, while in the ‘Global Domination’ often they do not. As a result, now and then the story sags a bit.

[Brook · Rating 4 out of 5]

DISCLAIMER: I was given a free copy of this book by the author to review. There will be spoilers, so do not read this if that worries you. I will not be giving away any twists, however, just characters and plot points.

3.5 stars

The concept for this book (James Bond-esque story told from the perspective of the super villain) may have been done before (I don't know), but this is the first time I've seen it, and love the idea. The foundation for how the protagonist wishes to become a super-villain is flimsy, but it doesn't really matter, no more than motivation matters in the spy novels and movies it spoofs.

The author has a great sense of humor, and does indeed channel a little bit of Douglas Adams in his phrasings and writing style, a good thing. There are some plot holes that exist because of loose writing (e.g. stating that a room is definitely bugged and then going on to describe a plan in that room that, were the room bugged, would not work, and thus kill the story line), but overall it is enjoyable and well-edited (with a couple misspellings/wrong homonyms here and there that an editor should have caught).

Getting past niggling details, it's a fun read with lots of original or borrowed-but-modified ideas. In the Austin Powers movies, Dr. Evil's empire has become a corporation by the time of his reawakening, with global legitimate business outpacing criminal enterprises. Will Once twists this a bit, but uses the idea, and it works well (you'll see). SPOILER!!!!: Acting as a contractor to work on contracts with super-villains is easily the best and most original idea of this book, precisely because this is how it would actually work in the real world. No one - even a super-villain - is an expert in everything, and on any project of significant scale, you must contract out for something. I might know how to build a laser, but I probably can't order bathroom and kitchen supplies for a work force of one thousand staff. I probably also can't do HR, HVAC, acquisitions, etc. Brilliant idea, and well-written in this book. Favorite part of the book, actually.

The author slips in a message throughout the latter two-thirds of the book about why the world needs to be taken over (pick your social issue of the day, it's in there). My gripe with the story line would be that the protagonist's motivation and even voice change throughout the course of the novel, something that does not work, since he is narrating it to someone in real time. In the beginning, the voice is that of an evil super-villain, in the end it is of a benevolent person who wishes to change the world. This would work if we were following the protagonist in real time, but we're not - we are listening in on him telling a story, probably within a day or two of real time, to a captive. Everything he is recounting is in the past, so his voice when describing it to the captive (a stand-in for the audience) should remain the same. Towards the end I had to force myself to forget his words to his captive in the beginning, as they were incongruous. Again, in the beginning, the voice is that of an evil super-villain, in the end it is of a benevolent person who wishes to change the world. Had the voice of the protagonist been consistent, I think I would have enjoyed it more.

The author clearly had fun writing this (the whale submarine bit got an out-loud chuckle from me), and it is a fun read. There is also some suspension of disbelief when the super-villain deals with real-world powers (governments, corporations, etc), but not as much as I worried there would be. The reaction of the world powers is actually more realistic than that portrayed in movies, especially of the genre he is spoofing.

If you like Austin Powers (that is not a jab, they're funny movies), you will get just as much enjoyment out of this book. If you like some of the more absurd moments in HHGG, especially how bureaucracy is portrayed in those books, you will find something to laugh at. This is a solid, if a little unpolished (needs another run by an editor) effort from a "new" author. I enjoyed it and recommend it as fun, light reading.

[Rob Gregson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this because I'd previously read (and thoroughly enjoyed) Love, Death & Tea by the same author. I was therefore pretty confident that I'd enjoy the wit and style of writing, although I was slightly concerned that the central idea - a pastiche of 'superspy' thrillers - might take it into territory that had already been covered very effectively by Austin Powers, Dr Evil and friends.

I need not have worried. Looking at the story entirely from the supervillain's perspective exposes a rich seam of humour and Will Once exploits it very adeptly. There are knowing nods towards the cliches of '70s Bond movies as well as more modern films in the 'Bourne' mould, but the story also takes the opportunity to pose some interesting questions about the nature of power and the basis for democracy itself. (If we can't trust the politicians not to be self-serving and if they can't trust their electorate to make wise, well informed decisions, what hope is there that our political structures will ever work effectively?)

If that makes it sound all a bit clever and worthy, I'm doing it a disservice. It's really very funny, beautifully written and full of wonderfully silly notions that will stay with you long after the closing of the final page.

[Becky · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really, really fun, and I will read more of Will Once's work. It was well written, well plotted, and it made me smile. A lot.

Written from the "villain's" point of view, he's talking to a Bond-ish, special agent type character, who is hand cuffed and leg ironed, presumably before being dispatched to his maker. The villain spills the plot, as they always do, and he tells of how he came to be the villain, beginning the story when he was in school - it was because of a girl.

The plot thickens when he actually succeeds in a global domination, and then he realizes he'd planned only that far. So what now? And why don't people want to do things his way? They could save the planet, have world peace, and he could get the girl. What is their problem?!

The ending was both a bit surprising and exactly as it should have been.

[Joo · Rating 5 out of 5]

We get James Bond's side of the story, The Saint's, Bourne's, Austin Powers' too. But what about the bad guy? What's his story? Where did he get his inspiration from? Why hollowed out volcanoes, why henchmen, why lairs?

Well, you don't have to wonder any more. Read this book and you'll soon know how a power-crazed megalomaniac thinks.

Number One tells his life story to a spy he's caught and, literally being a captive audience, he has to listen.

This is a really funny story. Things really aren't easy if you want to take over the world. You can't imagine the minutiae that has to be taken care of. Especially when nobody takes you seriously.

[Michael Mardel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Global domination by Once was an enjoyable story about a bad guy who really had the best of intentions. He just couldn't always speak up and let people know because he thought too much. This resulted in losing the love of his life to a fish and chip man though he, Robert, number One, kept tabs on her. He made his fortune, bought a volcano but the rest of the world did not want to be dominated. He seeks advice from many like the Japanese ambassador as he blows up their whaling ships. There's even a badder guy who has the same designs. Will Robert get the girl? Would she want to be with Robert who gives up his business and starts again?

[Geoff (G. Robbins) (merda constat variat altitudo) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I came to this book, not knowing what to expect. The title was intriguing, but I had not previously read any of this author’s work.

The premise is quite clever, with an apparent megalomaniac telling his life story to a special agent. From there we are introduced to his early years and influences, right up to the present.

I liked the book a lot. There were moments of very moving writing, for example when our (anti) hero is describing someone he has known all his life but hadn’t met for a very long time. There is also stand out comical humour spattered all around the book.

All in all, a good read from an author that, in my opinion, has not yet produced his best work.

[Briar Rose · Rating 5 out of 5]

After how much I loved Will Once's Love, Death and Tea, of course I was going to seek out his other books. So far, I haven't been disappointed.

Global Domination for Beginners is funny, tongue-in-cheek, and occasionally surprisingly insightful. If you enjoy lovable megalomaniacs, volcano lairs, uncooperative minions, deadly hats, drooling kitties, and negotiation via hugging, this book has it all. In addition to a lot of heart.

[Charles · Rating 5 out of 5]

As others have said, this is a very fun read. It's well-paced and just long enough (~ 3-4 hours) to tell the story and get out. Decidedly British humour. Appropriate for any reader; I think my nephews will love it.

I'd advise against reading too many longer spoiler reviews, as there are a couple pleasant twists along the way.

My one criticism is that at no point in this textbook are there instructions for Global Domination, so a bit of a bait and switch Mr. Once.

[Steven Sheeley · Rating 5 out of 5]

The format of this book worked very, very well and made it a complete joy to read. The plot twists and the explanations from the "evil megalomaniac's" point of view were extremely well crafted and written.

It is a very fun romp through the Super Spy genre, from the other side of the fence point of view and I will read it again!!!

[Kevin Marsh · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is very well written. It is amusing, witty and intelligent and in my opinion a thoroughly enjoyable read. This is the second of Will’s books that I have read and although different from my usual reading material, I found them a refreshing read. I will definitely read more of his work.

[Patti (baconater) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recently finished Global Domination for Beginners and what a great book it was!

Will's characters are wonderful. People I really enjoyed getting to know. The book's theme is very thought-provoking as well.

A solid five stars.