Letting Go: A Parents' Guide to Understanding the College Years

by Karen Levin Coburn

The sixth edition of this classic parents’ guide and college orientation staple has been thoroughly revised and updated to reflect the realities of college today.

For more than a decade, Letting Go has provided hundreds of thousands of parents with valuable insights, information, comfort, and guidance throughout the emotional and social changes of their children’s college years—from the senior year in high school through college graduation.

Based on research and real life experience, and recommended by colleges and universities around the country, Letting Go, Sixth Edition, has been updated and revised, offering even more insightful, practical, and up-to-date information. In this era of constant communication, this edition tackles the challenge facing parents: finding the balance between staying connected and letting go.

• When should parents encourage independence?
• When should they intervene?
• What issues of identity and intimacy await students?
• What are normal feelings of disorientation and loneliness for students-and for parents?
• What is different about today’s college environment?
• What new concerns about safety, health and wellness, and stress will affect incoming classes?

A timeless resource, Letting Go, Sixth Edition, is an indispensable book that parents can depend on and turn to for all of their questions and concerns regarding sending their children to college.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, College, Education, Unfinished

464 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 1988

Reviews

[Justin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book during my second semester of my Freshman year of college at Colorado State University (Spring 2002), as a part of the curriculum for our Orientation Leader training class. It taught me so much about how parents and family members experience the transition of having their student go through college, and provided me at the time with a much stronger understanding of what was happening in my life and with my relationships to my parents.

I am currently re-reading the fifth edition of the book with my higher education/student affairs book club (July 2013), and loving seeing the material again eleven years later! After having worked with parent and family programs for a number of years (and growing up and out of my college years), I have a very different perspective through which to view the text.

I strongly recommend this book for parents of high school seniors, college freshmen, or older college students. It is full of fantastic anecdotes that connect the reader with the theories and discussions about the college transition for the parent and the student.

[Beth · Rating 4 out of 5]

A lot of this book is common sense, but I still found some interesting nuggets and head-nodding passages which made it an enjoyable read. It does a good job of describing what the college experience (and to a lesser degree, high school years) is like as compared to 30 years ago when I attended college.

[Keisha Newberry · Rating 2 out of 5]

Mostly common sense information. There were a few really good “one-liners” that had me thinking “oh yeah” or “good point”, but for the most part an unnecessary read for me. Maybe a better read for a family with no college experience.

[Crystal · Rating 4 out of 5]

As we go through the roller coaster year with our high school senior daughter, this book has helped with antidotal stories and advice from other parents having lived through the same experiences. Would recommend this any parent.

[Vanessa · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book wasn't at all what I expected. I figured - 6th edition, been out 10 years - it HAS to be a great resource before I send my twins off to separate colleges. Nope. For one it was tough to get through. It was pretty clinical with some quotes thrown in from college kids and parents. Nothing about this book was enjoyable. I didn't receive much additional "new" information than what I already know from my own common sense and what I've learned from parent college orientations and Facebook pages for parents for the specific colleges my kids are going to attend.

[Kate Pfeifer Burstein · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn’t finish this book so I’m not sure I can technically put this book in my read category. But I wanted to be able to write a review. I came across this book from a current recommendation somewhere this summer for parents of college students.

This book does have some helpful, relevant information. That being said, the last edition is from 20 years ago I believe, and that’s very clear from my aspects. Times have definitely changed, and while I’m sure this book was very helpful in the past, I wouldn’t recommend this book as a current resource. I was going to finish reading the book until I got to one sentence today: “…almost all students will be exposed during the course of the freshman year to the problems of eating disorders and clinical depression, to alcohol and drug abuse, to unfamiliar religions and cultures, to gay men and women”. I had issues with many aspects of just that sentence…I understand the authors’ intent, but I’m looking for more current, relevant, progressive perspectives on this stage of life.

[Nichola · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although some of the content is fairly predictable and obvious, the book covers multiple stages of the college and young adult experience so that it seems useful. I think it can help a parent to be able to identify possible causes of friction in the parent child relationship and not blow things out of proportion, or to identify patterns of behavior as normal and adaptive vs. poor coping in need of intervention. For me it helps to decide what factors may play a role in our soon-to-be student's college success. I read the sixth ed, so it is a classic but has been updated with info about technology and newer college choices.

[Maura Muller · Rating 3 out of 5]

Super helpful and insightful. Wish I had read it last year before sending our son off to college, but there are still lots of interesting observations and suggestions for sophomore, junior, senior year, vacations and visits home. Great list of resources in the back. I think this would actually be great for the students to read too if they could find the time. This and The Naked Roommate: and 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into In College by Harlan Cohen. Both kids and their parents would be pretty well covered.

[Noelle Merritt · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is sort of the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" for those of us sending our teenagers off to college. Nothing too shocking, but it was good to read the anecdotes from folks who have done this already.

[Scout College Consulting · Rating 5 out of 5]

This one of my favorites for moms - and dads! In honor of Mother's Day, it seems like the perfect recommendation. It's whimsical and humorous. However, it also packed in fundamentals, complete with practical tips for understanding and communicating with your college student. 

[Patty Dowden · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well intended, but didn't really give me any new thoughts or nuggets of wisdom as I am about to drop son off to freshman year across the country. To be fair, I work in higher ed and have sent kids to camp since they were little.

[Jill · Rating 3 out of 5]

A helpful book for even before the college process starts. I skimmed the first half of this book but appreciated the insights around the summer before college and beyond! Lots to look forward to in this next step for my kids! And many good reminders for me!

[Kun Xu · Rating 4 out of 5]

A lot of stuff that I don’t know what will be happening after kids go to university. I always think as parents the job should be done and we are finally there to free for ourselves, but right, this generation the parents job never ends.:-(

[Abby · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book is filled with examples/quotes from various specific student or administrator experiences. Parents who went to college themselves won't find anything surprising or particularly informative.

[Deb · Rating 3 out of 5]

To what degree this book is helpful will vary from family to family. The first 1/2 didn’t tell me anything new to me, but I found some gems in the second 1/2.

[Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

Most of the info seemed very common sense to me, but it was interesting to read about various experiences families had with the transition to college

[Diana Fisher · Rating 3 out of 5]

Chapter 2 has the useful information on the developmental stage of college-aged students.

[Shelley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful for understanding your older teen

[Lara · Rating 3 out of 5]

I actually expected this to have more advice as to how to mentally "let go" and how to prepare for that and deal with the feelings.

[PL · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lots of great info but I wish it had been updated to today’s reality. I still learned a lot and felt eased by some of it but I think it would be a great read if it was updated more frequently

[Britt-Marie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sort of helpful. Probably would have been more so if I had read it sooner.

[Brooke · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read the 6th edition. Quite helpful as we parent my HS senior through this roller coaster year. Imagine revisiting it a bit into her college career.

[Maelyn]

Outdated

[Laurie Shook]

This was helpful!

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

My parents and I read this my senior year of high school

[David Farrell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good resource for folks living the college experience with their own children, family members, close friends, or folks in your communities/ organizations. It covers a range of topics and provides insights from students, parents, administrators, and faculty to help see the process and journey from multiple perspectives. The book helped me better appreciate the resources available to help parents and students navigate the modern college experience - from college search to graduation and everything in between. It also helped me anticipate or reframe challenges, emotions, and joys of our children’s college experiences so far (our oldest is headed into senior year and our middle one headed off to school last week). Lastly, it helped me better understand my own college experience and update my knowledge on college and university life since I attended undergraduate and graduate school. Overall - the book helped me be more mindful of what so many family and friends are currently encountering as the college experience.

[Heather Laslie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is more of an explanation of typical college-age behavior and less a guide on letting go. I feel like the title was misleading.

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

very thorough discussion, chronologically organized from searching for colleges through searching for jobs after graduation, of what it's like for parents to let go of their kids. The authors work in student services at a private university, and the overall tone is a compassionate, empathic "here's what your kids may be unable to tell you about what it's like for them".

Many many vignettes/extended quotes from students and parents to liven up the narrative. Would probably work well as a reference book -- some of the specific issues (e.g., taking a semester overseas) not (yet?) relevant to me were less interesting.

Not recommended if you crave definite answers -- a consistent theme is "some students do/feel/say X, whereas many others do/feel/say the opposite of X". In some ways it reminded me of reading reassurance-oriented baby books (it's ok if your baby isn't crawling yet; there's a lot of variability in normal development........).

Probably the biggest difference is that I had no illusion of knowing a lot about babies. As someone who went to college and teaches at a college, I'm more prone to thinking I know how it is or should be, so it was good to get a reminder that there are many different normal/healthy experiences of this transition.

[Donna · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good, practical overview of the issues and challenges faced by both parents and kids from the application process to college graduation, written by a freshman dean and a therapist from Washington University in St. Louis. I liked their focus on the complex emotions and intangibles, and they cover almost every possible scenario. After a while, though, the number anecdotes got overwhelming, and I found the last half slow going. A little more authorial digestion of the material might be helpful in keeping it all straight--perhaps an overview or list of key things to keep in mind at the beginning of each section? Still, there is a lot of practical advice to be found as well as a broad range of experiences, so you are bound to find something to which you can personally relate. Since my oldest child will be leaving for college in a few months, this was a useful way to ease into the transition.

[Annette · Rating 4 out of 5]

My son's college recommended this book. The beginning, where the author spends many pages describing the differences between the parents' generation and the current generation going to college was boring and obvious, but can be easily skimmed. I thought the rest of the book was well written and insightful. It does a good job of explaining all the possible behaviors and feelings that teenagers experience at this time, and includes discussions of many possible problems that may occur. It probably would have been even more helpful if I had read it before my oldest child went to college, preferably during his senior year in high school.