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Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor
Life is never boring when you're a human magnet for the bizarre. For Allison Hawn, owning a cursed car, being attacked by a man wielding a foam sword, or having to battle an evil pony could manifest on any day ending in "y." These truly hilarious tales provide both bookworms and casual glimpsers with important life lessons, such as what to do if a woman dressed as a cat refuses to get off the roof of your vehicle. You're welcome.
202 pages, Paperback
First published August 12, 2014
8 people are currently reading
431 people want to read
About the author
Allison Hawn
5 books61 followersAllison Hawn was born in Idaho and has spent her life obtaining adventures. The daughter of a musician, she was
brought up all over the United States with occasional dalliances into foreign lands. She holds a degree in psychology from Northwest Nazarene University in Nampa, Idaho, where she also had a weekly humor column with a small time newspaper "The Crusader." She is also the author of two collections of short, bizarre, humorous stories titled "Life is a
Circus Run by a Platypus" and "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor." She currently resides in Spokane, Washington, where she works with the homeless, domestic violence victims, and other disenfranchised populations as a case manager, but calls a myriad of locations home.
brought up all over the United States with occasional dalliances into foreign lands. She holds a degree in psychology from Northwest Nazarene University in Nampa, Idaho, where she also had a weekly humor column with a small time newspaper "The Crusader." She is also the author of two collections of short, bizarre, humorous stories titled "Life is a
Circus Run by a Platypus" and "Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor." She currently resides in Spokane, Washington, where she works with the homeless, domestic violence victims, and other disenfranchised populations as a case manager, but calls a myriad of locations home.
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Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
October 5, 2023
A really fun read! It reminds me of Jenny Lawson's books, but a little less on the serious side. I enjoyed that while the book had a bunch of bizarre and wild situations that the author is going through, everything was tied together with life lessons.
(3.5)
(3.5)
February 5, 2015
One of the most interesting, intelligent and hilarious collection of stories I've ever read!
It's weird, it's unreal... and yet, deep down, you kind of know that these things do happen.
Allison Hawn really must be a weirdness magnet of a kind never heard before. Every single story brings a smile to my face. Sure, for most of the stories I'm quite content not to have been there, but still. I'd have loved to be there during her college time, just for the slim chance of watching some of the pranks first hand...
In the end I'm not happy that Allison seem to be a weirdness magnet... I'm very happy that she's a weirdness magnet who decided to write her stories so others could experience some of the humour, dread and wonders she's lived through.
It's weird, it's unreal... and yet, deep down, you kind of know that these things do happen.
Allison Hawn really must be a weirdness magnet of a kind never heard before. Every single story brings a smile to my face. Sure, for most of the stories I'm quite content not to have been there, but still. I'd have loved to be there during her college time, just for the slim chance of watching some of the pranks first hand...
In the end I'm not happy that Allison seem to be a weirdness magnet... I'm very happy that she's a weirdness magnet who decided to write her stories so others could experience some of the humour, dread and wonders she's lived through.
March 17, 2022
It was mildly amusing. I'm in a minority here, but I started to find the humour a bit repetitive, and boring after a while. DNF at 50%. I'd rather read a Spike Milligan book for a laugh. 2.5 stars
September 15, 2014
Even better than the first!! A great compilation of real life stories that will keep you giggling all day long.
March 26, 2015
"The weirdest kids on the block oftentimes simul-taneously have the biggest bruises and the most fun."
Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor by Allison Hawn is a hilarious adventure that was a breath of fresh air. A great escape into the unknown and the funny. This is a quirky, off-beat tale that filled me with delight. The author has unusual voice that had me laughing out loud. A bit on the bizarre side that I took pleasure in.
This book is filled with stories that take you outside of yourself and into the fun zone. I love a good laugh and this book fulfills what it set out to do. This is a stand alone book though I see this is the second installment. There are so many great lines and humorous moments.
Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor is fast paced, easy to get into and well done. Glad I came across this authors work.
Quote ~
"Holidays with my family start out looking like a Norman Rockwell painting, and usually end up looking more like one of those prints you see on rugs where the dogs are sitting around playing poker."
November 17, 2014
From the stupid stuff Ms. Hawn did in college to the madness she witnessed as night staff for a homeless teen shelter, the author shares an important insight into our humanity: “Sometimes you just have to let animals, and people, be themselves.”
I recommend reading the tales in Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor and reflecting on the logic holes that trap your own perspectives. The collection of stories is a great read.
I recommend reading the tales in Life is a Pirate Ship Run by a Velociraptor and reflecting on the logic holes that trap your own perspectives. The collection of stories is a great read.
December 17, 2014
Thoroughly entertaining!
In this sidesplitting collection of admittedly “bizarre moments,” Allison Hawn effectively captures your funny bone and holds it hostage as she takes you on a rollicking ride of real-life hysterical adventures that could only happen to her. The brevity of her chapters easily allows the reader to quickly move from one comical moment to the next, and I especially enjoyed the hilarious insights and wisdom imparted at each chapter’s end.
Anyone who’s feeling that life is getting the best of them will be happy to know that Allison has stood in your shoes—dozens of times—and emerged unscathed, while wearing a grin. From sinister lab rats to uncooperative obese ponies, you’ll travel with Allison on a riotous journey that will make your worst day feel like an afternoon in the park. Readers of all ages will enjoy these wonderfully humorous tales crafted by a talented storyteller.
In this sidesplitting collection of admittedly “bizarre moments,” Allison Hawn effectively captures your funny bone and holds it hostage as she takes you on a rollicking ride of real-life hysterical adventures that could only happen to her. The brevity of her chapters easily allows the reader to quickly move from one comical moment to the next, and I especially enjoyed the hilarious insights and wisdom imparted at each chapter’s end.
Anyone who’s feeling that life is getting the best of them will be happy to know that Allison has stood in your shoes—dozens of times—and emerged unscathed, while wearing a grin. From sinister lab rats to uncooperative obese ponies, you’ll travel with Allison on a riotous journey that will make your worst day feel like an afternoon in the park. Readers of all ages will enjoy these wonderfully humorous tales crafted by a talented storyteller.
February 22, 2015
Giggling!
To say this collection of events in the life of author Allison Hawn is funny, would be, to use a hackneyed phrase, the understatement of the century. This woman is a magnet for all things wacky, hilarious, gross, and unusual. Although a number of these events occur during her job as a social worker, her ‘magnet for all things weird’ doesn’t turn off during her personal life. Her ordinary day is a once in a lifetime event for most of us.
The summation at the end of each chapter adds to the fun while reading this book. The writer’s style is witty and engaging. I’m giggling as I write this review.
Here is a quote: “If someone on the radio is offering something, like free gas, to a limited number of people, you should calculate how long it is going to take you to get to the location. If the answer is, “longer than it takes to blow up a balloon for a mouse,” don’t even bother.”
To say this collection of events in the life of author Allison Hawn is funny, would be, to use a hackneyed phrase, the understatement of the century. This woman is a magnet for all things wacky, hilarious, gross, and unusual. Although a number of these events occur during her job as a social worker, her ‘magnet for all things weird’ doesn’t turn off during her personal life. Her ordinary day is a once in a lifetime event for most of us.
The summation at the end of each chapter adds to the fun while reading this book. The writer’s style is witty and engaging. I’m giggling as I write this review.
Here is a quote: “If someone on the radio is offering something, like free gas, to a limited number of people, you should calculate how long it is going to take you to get to the location. If the answer is, “longer than it takes to blow up a balloon for a mouse,” don’t even bother.”
March 1, 2015
This is a fun and funny book that grabs you from the very first page. Lots of great vignettes that convey the author's ability to roll with the punches [or sloppy kisses] doled out by an absurd universe. Having spent plenty of time, myself, in the low-probability-events zone, I can fully appreciate the author's clever chronicle of bizarre moments. You just never know when the laws of the universe will be broken and your spayed cat will pop out a 'pile of kittens,' a lab rat will develop super powers, or you get roped in to babysitting 8 year-old twins from hell. That the author has had the presence of mind to archive, document, and share these moments with us is a testament to her own resilience and sense of humor. A well-written, entertaining book that you should have on hand after one of those days at the office, on the road, in a line at the grocery store, trying to talk sense into a teenager or your boss... Five stars!
May 21, 2015
Man, talk about the poetry of humour and maybe you'll touch the tip of the iceberg that is Allison Hawn. This is the first book of her's that I've read and I loved it. The situations are possibly real, the dialogues probably happened, but the insightfulness and the turn of words that the author has used to describe situations is incredibly funny. I am a a huge P.G. Wodehouse fan and this is as close to the wittiness that every other line in his book is made of. But unlike his stories which are complete fantasies, Allison Hawn takes real, day to day events and turns them into a parody.
This is a book for days that you're feeling sad, or happy, feeling down or joyful, in short, for any day. It's a book to be kept by your bedside for a quick story to pep you up. I promise you that on your bluest days, it will still bring a smile to your lips. I am amazed by this author's talent and look forward to reading her other books. I salute you, Allison Hawn. Well done!
This is a book for days that you're feeling sad, or happy, feeling down or joyful, in short, for any day. It's a book to be kept by your bedside for a quick story to pep you up. I promise you that on your bluest days, it will still bring a smile to your lips. I am amazed by this author's talent and look forward to reading her other books. I salute you, Allison Hawn. Well done!
May 13, 2015
Allison Hawn knows how to tell a tale. This is the second book I have read of hers and it was, if anything, even more entertaining than the first.
The writing is so personable. She doesn’t only write about her observations, conversations, and memories, she lives them with gay abandon, in the most natural way.
Her anecdotes and one liners are side splitting. It is rare for me to actually laugh out loud whilst reading and I have to say, I wish all books on human interaction were so naked and honest.
The book is a great insight into people; real people, warts and all. Allison Hawn has managed to convince me that she is not only a humorist but a talented author, who is very capable of bringing her wit to the page, and at the same time make me feel as though I am watching her on stage.
Hilarious, absolutely hilarious stuff!
The writing is so personable. She doesn’t only write about her observations, conversations, and memories, she lives them with gay abandon, in the most natural way.
Her anecdotes and one liners are side splitting. It is rare for me to actually laugh out loud whilst reading and I have to say, I wish all books on human interaction were so naked and honest.
The book is a great insight into people; real people, warts and all. Allison Hawn has managed to convince me that she is not only a humorist but a talented author, who is very capable of bringing her wit to the page, and at the same time make me feel as though I am watching her on stage.
Hilarious, absolutely hilarious stuff!
August 15, 2015
This book is hilarious, not only for the stories told, but also for the visuals the author creates while describing what's happening. For example, she doesn't say a woman crammed herself into a tiny swimsuit. No. She says "the extremely overweight woman who has crammed herself into a one-piece swimsuit made for a Chihuahua." All right! That image gives me the creeps. The entire book is filled with such vivid imagery.
The stories run the gamut of life: childhood, college, animals, co-workers, drunks, and so much more. I can easily relate to many of these anecdotes, so I must be one of those people who is a magnet for strange happenings.
One of my favorite parts of each chapter was the summaries, or lessons learned, at the end. "Don’t try to cage the velociraptor, it will only come back to bite you in the end. Sometimes literally."
The stories run the gamut of life: childhood, college, animals, co-workers, drunks, and so much more. I can easily relate to many of these anecdotes, so I must be one of those people who is a magnet for strange happenings.
One of my favorite parts of each chapter was the summaries, or lessons learned, at the end. "Don’t try to cage the velociraptor, it will only come back to bite you in the end. Sometimes literally."
August 24, 2015
The 34 short stories or what I call life episodes in this novel are funny, hilarious, outrages at times, and overflowing with a grand whit and insight into our mixed up and mind bending world. If you are down in the dumps yopu must read this book. If you are not down in the dumps ypu must read this book. There is no way that after the first few paragraphs you will be able to get rid of the smile on your face. The author has a remarable way of looking at life and making even the most sordid experiences funny. A modern day Erma Bombeck only in my opinion funnier and with deeper insight. A kalidascope of funny one liners that will leave you wishing for more..
July 3, 2015
WEIRD AND WONDERFUL!
The phrase “Twilight Zone on Acid” sticks in my head. Allison has a unique perspective on the world and moves through it as a magnet for all things weird and wonderful. If something can go horribly wrong, it probably will. Come along on a comic romp through the daily adventures of Allison navigating the many weird people, strange occurrences and hilarious adventures of Allison in wonder land. This book is a must have for anyone who enjoys having their funny bone tickled.
The phrase “Twilight Zone on Acid” sticks in my head. Allison has a unique perspective on the world and moves through it as a magnet for all things weird and wonderful. If something can go horribly wrong, it probably will. Come along on a comic romp through the daily adventures of Allison navigating the many weird people, strange occurrences and hilarious adventures of Allison in wonder land. This book is a must have for anyone who enjoys having their funny bone tickled.
May 18, 2015
A well-written, fast-paced and hysterically funny collection of tales. I especially liked the fact I could dip in and out of the stories and each was as amusing as the one previous. I especially related to the cat herding and the stout little pony who was not to be messed with.
I do enjoy humorous reads. Many cause me to smile, this book caused me to laugh out loud several times.
Great fun and if like me, you thought you were the only one who seems to stumble into bizarre situations and have no idea how it all happened - read this and realise you're not alone.
I do enjoy humorous reads. Many cause me to smile, this book caused me to laugh out loud several times.
Great fun and if like me, you thought you were the only one who seems to stumble into bizarre situations and have no idea how it all happened - read this and realise you're not alone.
June 13, 2016
Amazing. I literally laughed my insides off. I've had stomach aches for hours and I'm pretty sure I've developed some form of ulcer after reading these insanely funny ramblings. The author sounds like the coolest person on earth and her stories are relatable (to a degree, I'm not THAT insane) and so very well written that... I don't know. I can't even, that's how speechless it left me. Allison Hawn, please marry me.
April 20, 2015
A marvelous romp. Great fun, this book kept me laughing a lot. I cannot begin to tell you how funny and enjoyable this book is. I'm ready for the next installment. I immediately contacted a relative who is a social worker and recommended this book. If you need a laugh, a pick-me-up, pick up this book and prepare to be entertained.
June 26, 2017
So funny. What a quick and lighthearted read. It reminded me of the woman on the Seinfeld show played by Julia Louise Dryfus. Stumbling through life with one adventure after another. Loved the book and is a great by the pool read.
July 3, 2015
It's full of hilarious stories that will have you cracking up!
August 23, 2015
More zany true stories from the insane Life of Allison Hawn.
September 13, 2023
Although this is irrelevant to the book (maybe), I love that it pulls up when I sleepily type "life is a velociraptor" in the search bar. Loved this book, which is a series of essays that are the perfect size for reading in a coffee shop, while waiting in an office, etc., although they will result in public laughter. Each essay feels kind and absurd, which resulted (for me) in joy. Would recommend.
Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews