Learning Good Consent: On Healthy Relationships and Survivor Support

by Cindy Crabb (editor)

Cindy Crabb provides a DIY tour of the promise and perils of sexual relationships in Learning Good Consent . Building ethical relationships is one of the most important things we can do, but sex, consent, abuse, and support can get complicated. This collection is an indispensable guide to both preventing sexual violence and helping its survivors to heal. Includes a foreword by Kiyomi Fujikawa and Jenna Peters-Golden.

“Whether or not you think you need it, whether or not you’re a survivor, or dating a survivor, or even having sex, you would probably benefit from reading this book. And the people you choose to be intimate with will probably thank you for making their safety a priority.” —Nomy Lamm, Feminist Review

“ Learning Good Consent … offers powerful, complicated information (instead of shallow questions and uncomplicated answers). This book speaks to those who are unlearning silence as a safety/communication strategy.” —Jen Cross, make/shift

“Essential reading.” —Colin Atrophy Hagendorf, author of Slice Harvester

“What this book does is to stress not ‘no means no,’ or even ‘yes means yes,’ but ‘Do you want me to stay here with you?’ ‘Are you here?’ ‘I thought I wanted this, but I’m not sure now.’ ‘Do you think we should take this farther?’ I’m moved that this book is here. It matters.” —Alison Piepmeier, author of Girl Making Media, Doing Feminism

Cindy Crabb is an author of the influential, feminist, autobiographical ‘zine Doris , which has been anthologized into two The Encyclopedia of Stories, Essays and Interviews and An Anthology 1991–2001 . Her essays and analyses of the impact of her writing have appeared in numerous books and magazines, The Riot Grrrl Collection ; Stay Solid! A Radical Handbook for Youth ; Girl Making Media, Doing Feminism ; and We Don’t Need Another Dispatches from the Next Generation of Feminists .

Genres: Nonfiction, Relationships, Queer, Self Help, Sexuality, Feminism, LGBT

140 pages, Paperback

First published July 12, 2016

Reviews

[Teo · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very important book that everyone would benefit from reading. 

I loved the plenty of different perspectives in here. Though I found at times some essays indirectly disagreeing with each other, so I wish the editor could’ve hit those same authors up and asked them to expand or even have a discussion to gather even more perspective on their thoughts and feelings.
I also wish there was someone who could’ve been a representative for the asexual community. One essay saying, “Sexuality is central to the experience of being human. We need to be touched, it's just part of being a mammal. Sexuality is central to the experience of being human. The kind of intimacy we are capable of having when we allow ourselves to be open and vulnerable in sex can be profoundly restorative, redemptive, and healing. It can reconnect us to our body, rouse emotion we never even knew we could touch, and ground us into present time-what can you think of that brings you more completely into the moment than an orgasm?” left me wondering what advice/insight could be given to asexual survivors who don’t think or feel this way.

[Rain · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone, even you and I, could be better at consent. While it can be hard to learn a new set of rules and tools regarding a topic as secretive and repressed as sex, this book provides a good balance of why we must, and how we can, improve our consent and our sex lives to boot. Active ongoing enthusiastic consent is also a wonderful lens to navigate all sorts of platonic negotiation and respect of boundaries. Basically read this book and practice its message if you want to be better in bed, and a better human.

[Sarah Modene · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone should read this book.

[Shelley Diamond · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book for young adults (and all adults) who are uncomfortable talking about sexuality and/or need to learn how to discuss negotiating consent for sex in a playful exciting way that contributes to the sense of arousal.

I really liked the fact that many different perspectives were used so you could see various situations from different angles. Kudos to the editors of the collection....

[Emily]

This seems like it would be a very helpful resource to survivors of sexual assault and abuse, but for the most part it just wasn't for me! I did enjoy the essay on consent (culture) between gay/bi/msm men!

[Lori · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely amazing resource, highly recommend even for people who are not survivors.

This book is a great example of how very unique, necessary, and revolutionary knowledge and praxis is grown in everyday life, and in anarchist collectives. Not your boring academic, overly theorized, almost useless book.

[Doug Brunell · Rating 4 out of 5]

Why would I, a 51 year-old male who is in a long-term relationship, need to read this book? Because it's important stuff. I think I know what "good consent" is, but it's imperative that I know for sure. If I have made transgressions in the past, I want to acknowledge them, learn from them, and make apologies where they are needed.

What this book does is make it clear that consent comes across in many different ways and can mean different things to people. One thread that runs throughout though, is the need for communication both verbal and non-verbal. Not only giving it, but reading it, as well.

Why do you need to read it? After all, you know what consent is, right? Well . . . what if you are wrong?

[Giulia Goldston · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm very happy this book exists. The world needs more literature about consent as the difficult, complicated, messy human issue it is. That said, the texts included frequently disagreed with each other, and tone made this book kind of hard to follow as a single book. I didn't agree with everything said, but the second half had a bunch of really good stuff in it. It's fairly short, so if it interests you, it shouldn't take terribly long to read.

[Nickolas Segura · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wanted to read this book because a person that was close to me was assaulted. And I thought I was well equipped to provide the care that this person needed as a survivor. I was wrong, and realized that my lack of awareness and knowledge towards providing care for a survivor is dangerously large.
This book includes many many many stories and different pieces of wisdom that make this a beautiful book for those that wish to become a more empathetic, caring, and stronger, consensually grounded person. It offers lesson for people that have committed assault and care to do better. They offer a variety of tips(philosophical and tangible ie, what do do when you are experiencing PSTD ) for survivors. And they even offer lessons for people that have not committed harm and wish to make it so that they don’t.
This book is about learning good consent. I believe that I am better at offering and knowing good consent thanks to me working with the book.

[Laszlo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazingly helpful and insightful read, as a male definitely a reminder that the onion layers of patriarchy can always do with new peelings so that we can learn to respect and appreciate those with whom we chose to be intimate in a safer and more healthier way.

Definitely a great read and discussion book with partners and in consent workshops, the example of the consent workshop at the end is very practical and should be replicated and added to, it seems like an excellent template to discuss consent.

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

Big fan of this one. Consent and boundaries and communication around such is pretty radical and is important beyond sex. I like the way this book really gets provocative in ways that had my brain wanting to apply these concepts even more broadly. This is one of the best “buy it for the one going off to college” vibes- but only do that if you’re the cool aunt, I don’t want content so great as this to have too much “should” attached to it :)

[Autumn (Triquetra Reviews) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent topic, excellent book. My only quip is that I would like more. This is zine-turned-book, and so the essays are short, mainly personal anecdotal material from various authors.

I so appreciate the compilation of this material, but I would like to see some more in depth material on consent and sex culture. However, for what this book is, it's amazing.

[Molly Roach · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whew this was great. This is as originally two zines that were updated and compiled into this amazing book. It consists mostly of anonymous short pieces on consent, rape/coercion, being a perpetrator of sexual harm, and loving someone who is a survivor. Every piece is powerful and necessary. Other contributions come from Consent Matters, Philly Stands Up!, Down There Collective, and many other wonderful folks. Also included are helpful teaching/learning guides on how to practice active and affirmative consent. This should be required reading for anyone who plans to have sex.
5/5⭐️

[Holly · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is THE best book on sex and consent I've ever read. I really appreciated the collection of different essays, with different styles, from people with many different experiences. There's also some great advice in here for survivors of abuse, and for people who are in relationships with abuse survivors. I'm really glad this exists in the world and honestly think everyone should read it.

[Kendra Twenter · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book complies many authors and allows for depth in the topic of consent. Ranging from ways to self care, discussing your trauma, caring for a survivor to analyzing your own behaviors that may have perpetuated harm. This book is a tool to use within a group or alone when opening up about consent in all situations.

[Ash · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a good book about this topic. The experiences folks talked about were really familiar, but I got some good advice out of it.

This book does speak about sexual assault and other experiences of abuse, so if that triggers you, this might not be the book for you.

[Sean Bradford · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recommend it to anyone. Found the information on panic attacks most timely.

[Eric · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an eye opening collection of essays. Everyone should read this.

[Braden Stewart · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a quick and essential read. It is required reading for anyone who has even a passing interest in ever having sex.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

So much helpful information, inclusive and informative

[mat bullock-betts · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a great resource for dealing with consent and trauma as a person who has experienced trauma or a person who has perpetuated trauma or both.

[Marilyn Langlois · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful!!

[Lex Adriaensen · Rating 4 out of 5]

must read

[ツツ]

I can't read this, maybe this is where my hyper-empathy becomes indistinguishable from psychic detachment.

[Jilly McBane · Rating 4 out of 5]

First book back at the MCVP!! You should read this if you like zines and learning how to actually practice consent in your relationships. 🤗

[Sophia M · Rating 4 out of 5]

As someone heavily engaged with anti-violence work, I found this book immensely helpful! I will certainly be gifting copies to friends engaged in this same work. Only complaint — in parts this text is extremely dated, which doesn’t necessarily invalidate the strategies the book provides for educational methods, but it did interfere with my reading process.

[Soph Nova · Rating 5 out of 5]

I showed my friend this book and she immediately said "oh my god this should be in schools everywhere"; I couldn't agree more. Consent is so much more than a simple yes/no, it's a lifelong skill that we have to build through reflection, study, and practice - and this book is both an awesome first step for folks that have never engaged, and a good reminder/complicator for those that have.

P.S. every single gay/bi/queer man/masc person I know should read the piece in here called "Positive Consent for Dudes Who Get It On With Dudes". Trust me.

[Andrea Wang · Rating 5 out of 5]

Learning Good Consent was eye-opening, reaffirming and empowering. The wisdom in these pages are wide-reaching even though a lot of the content is focused on love and sex. The book, a collection of tips, personal stories and even a couple comics, has inspired me to strike up the important conversations that should be quotidian and are often missing in our lives.

[Roxanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a Goodreads win review. This is an excellent book especially for young people to read. It talks about the perils of sexual relationships and learning what the word consent means. This book is also for preventing sexual violence and help survivors heal.

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book should be everywhere, and read by everyone.