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The Unofficial Guide to Adoptive Parenting: The Small Stuff, The Big Stuff and The Stuff In Between
This is not just another book about adoptive parenting. This is the real dynamic, messy, baffling adoptive parenting, rooted in domestic life.Award-winning columnist and adoptive parent Sally Donovan offers savvy, compassionate advice on how to be 'good enough' in the face of both day-to-day and more bewildering challenges – how to respond to 'red mist' meltdowns, crippling anxieties about new routines and, most importantly, how to meet the intimidating challenge of being strong enough to protect and nurture your child.Full of affecting and hilarious stories drawn from life in the Donovan household, The Unofficial Guide to Adoptive Parenting offers parents a refreshing counterblast to stuffy parenting manuals -- read it, weep, laugh and learn.
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First published November 21, 2014
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
September 17, 2014
Although Sally refers to this as therapeutic parenting, don't make the mistake of thinking these techniques are only for traumatized or problematic children. Any parent will find this advice useful and reassuring, as Sally models calm, thoughtful responses and ways to really understand what your child might be thinking, whether the problem might be worries about the first day of school or a child who likes to plan everything in advance. This is hands-on, practical parenting with honesty, humor and love from a real-life parent, not a book written by a parenting expert (which may often come across with a smug tone), which concentrates on showing your child that you understand, and that your child is important to you.
If you're considering adoption from foster care and haven't already read Sally's book No Matter What, I'd highly recommend reading that first to get an idea of where she's coming from, and how some of the behaviors she addresses might present themselves. (In fact, I'd recommend this pair of books to anyone working with foster children, whether as foster parent, social worker, teacher or friend, because together you will see how needs might present themselves and the dynamics that may emerge. I would have been much less apprehensive as a foster parent if this had been available when I started taking the training classes.)
She likens this sort of parenting to running a marathon, something for which most of us are unprepared, and reminds the reader constantly that *you* are the expert on your child and even if something goes against traditional/teacher/doctor advice, if it works and is helping, you might need to just go with it. Children may need to have repeated demonstrations that you love them, think of them, won't abandon them or abuse them, because they need to fully understand (to grok, if you will) that they can depend on you. They may behave as if much younger than their peers, and that's okay. In fact, it's normal.
It's not a dry, intimidating manual or a traumatizing read. It's very easy to read, approachable, with practical suggestions learned from professionals (or hard-earned personal experience) for combating anxiety, dealing with breaks in routine like weekends and school holidays and contains the sort of honest, matter-of-fact truths you don't often see in any serious parenting book.
These strategies are not just for helping the children either - they're also helping the parent to cope, balancing your needs with theirs, while enabling you to understand what your children may really mean when they say or do certain things. Many of them may reinforce your instinctive knowledge, bringing into a more conscious awareness, which allows your parenting style to adapt as the situation warrants.
Highly recommended for anyone adopting from foster care, or really any parent.
Disclaimer: I received a free copy from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.
If you're considering adoption from foster care and haven't already read Sally's book No Matter What, I'd highly recommend reading that first to get an idea of where she's coming from, and how some of the behaviors she addresses might present themselves. (In fact, I'd recommend this pair of books to anyone working with foster children, whether as foster parent, social worker, teacher or friend, because together you will see how needs might present themselves and the dynamics that may emerge. I would have been much less apprehensive as a foster parent if this had been available when I started taking the training classes.)
She likens this sort of parenting to running a marathon, something for which most of us are unprepared, and reminds the reader constantly that *you* are the expert on your child and even if something goes against traditional/teacher/doctor advice, if it works and is helping, you might need to just go with it. Children may need to have repeated demonstrations that you love them, think of them, won't abandon them or abuse them, because they need to fully understand (to grok, if you will) that they can depend on you. They may behave as if much younger than their peers, and that's okay. In fact, it's normal.
It's not a dry, intimidating manual or a traumatizing read. It's very easy to read, approachable, with practical suggestions learned from professionals (or hard-earned personal experience) for combating anxiety, dealing with breaks in routine like weekends and school holidays and contains the sort of honest, matter-of-fact truths you don't often see in any serious parenting book.
These strategies are not just for helping the children either - they're also helping the parent to cope, balancing your needs with theirs, while enabling you to understand what your children may really mean when they say or do certain things. Many of them may reinforce your instinctive knowledge, bringing into a more conscious awareness, which allows your parenting style to adapt as the situation warrants.
Highly recommended for anyone adopting from foster care, or really any parent.
Disclaimer: I received a free copy from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.
February 12, 2015
Sally Donovan’s second book The Unofficial Guide to Adoptive Parenting, the Small Stuff, The Big Stuff, and The Stuff In Between is a welcome and practical contribution to the reality of adoptive parenting. She knows what it is like to live in the “Polar Vortex” of parenting.
Like other adoptive parents, she has confronted platitudes, criticism and rude questions—and lived to tell the tale! Reading her book is like finally finding a best friend who “gets” the journey of parenting traumatized kids. Sally’s ideas and incisive commentary will make readers laugh as well as cry.
Read it for her suggestions as well as for the experience and encouragement of “visiting” with a kindred spirit. Sally’s book helps us move beyond commiseration into action. Her experience demonstrates that while Therapeutic Parenting is demanding, it is also effective and eminently better suited to traumatized children than traditional parenting methods.
Adoptive parenting can bring complexities that challenge and defeat the best of us. Families whose children had difficult starts must cope with the fallout of trauma. The course is arduous. Both parent and child benefit from thoughtful and adoption-attuned support and strategies.
One excellent resource is to connect with other parents who face similar obstacles, not in a misery-likes-company way but in a finally-someone-who-gets-it way. (Like Sally.) They understand that our parenting experience is vastly different from the norm because they confront the same reality. Through sharing “You think that’s horrid? Listen to this.” (which provides a relief valve,) engaging in some gallows-humor laughter, and encouraging one another, we become a “tribe” and discover the comfort of being “seen and heard” with empathy instead of judgment. This experience reinvigorates us and helps us reconnect to our dreams of being a committed, loving family.
Post-adoption support is essential to adoption success. Gather as many Adoption-attuned (AQ*) resources as possible. Join a support group. Consult a therapist when necessary. Work with a coach. (Ensure that all professionals have a thorough understanding of adoption-attunement.) Educate family, friends, etc on the techniques and reasons for your (AQ*) parenting methods. Avoid people who do not “get” your approach, especially those people who try to undermine, criticize, or dissuade you from the therapeutic parenting that your gut knows your children need.
But also avoid those who wallow in the pain and discouragement. After a certain point, sympathy can deteriorate into a hamster wheel of misery, which benefits neither the parent or the child. The Unofficial Guide to Adoptive Parenting, the Small Stuff, The Big Stuff, and The Stuff In Between provides many ideas for moving forward, creating healing and instilling hope. —Gayle H. Swift, ABC, Adoption & Me: A Multicultural Picture Book
Like other adoptive parents, she has confronted platitudes, criticism and rude questions—and lived to tell the tale! Reading her book is like finally finding a best friend who “gets” the journey of parenting traumatized kids. Sally’s ideas and incisive commentary will make readers laugh as well as cry.
Read it for her suggestions as well as for the experience and encouragement of “visiting” with a kindred spirit. Sally’s book helps us move beyond commiseration into action. Her experience demonstrates that while Therapeutic Parenting is demanding, it is also effective and eminently better suited to traumatized children than traditional parenting methods.
Adoptive parenting can bring complexities that challenge and defeat the best of us. Families whose children had difficult starts must cope with the fallout of trauma. The course is arduous. Both parent and child benefit from thoughtful and adoption-attuned support and strategies.
One excellent resource is to connect with other parents who face similar obstacles, not in a misery-likes-company way but in a finally-someone-who-gets-it way. (Like Sally.) They understand that our parenting experience is vastly different from the norm because they confront the same reality. Through sharing “You think that’s horrid? Listen to this.” (which provides a relief valve,) engaging in some gallows-humor laughter, and encouraging one another, we become a “tribe” and discover the comfort of being “seen and heard” with empathy instead of judgment. This experience reinvigorates us and helps us reconnect to our dreams of being a committed, loving family.
Post-adoption support is essential to adoption success. Gather as many Adoption-attuned (AQ*) resources as possible. Join a support group. Consult a therapist when necessary. Work with a coach. (Ensure that all professionals have a thorough understanding of adoption-attunement.) Educate family, friends, etc on the techniques and reasons for your (AQ*) parenting methods. Avoid people who do not “get” your approach, especially those people who try to undermine, criticize, or dissuade you from the therapeutic parenting that your gut knows your children need.
But also avoid those who wallow in the pain and discouragement. After a certain point, sympathy can deteriorate into a hamster wheel of misery, which benefits neither the parent or the child. The Unofficial Guide to Adoptive Parenting, the Small Stuff, The Big Stuff, and The Stuff In Between provides many ideas for moving forward, creating healing and instilling hope. —Gayle H. Swift, ABC, Adoption & Me: A Multicultural Picture Book
September 12, 2014
When I chose this book it was with a hint of concern as I am a parent of a foster child not an adopted child. However, having read the book thoroughly from my perspective it relates well to all types of parenting.
When you read this book as with many like this you have to read it with the reality that not all theories work with all children. Although the author is so experienced in this area there are several theories and ideas which can be adopted by parents. Being an experienced foster parent there were enough ideas to add to my tool kit for this book to be a relevant read. The author writes in an easy intelligent way. You feel a friend is talking to you over coffee rather than preaching to you through a book. The author's strong voice and enthusiasm for the children she adopted comes through loud and clear. In addition to this the book is well referenced and I now have an extensive list of other resources to look into.
The mixture of free flow writing, author knowledge and intelligent techniques makes this one of the best book about this subject I have read to date. A brilliant read for all parents no matter what your circumstances.
When you read this book as with many like this you have to read it with the reality that not all theories work with all children. Although the author is so experienced in this area there are several theories and ideas which can be adopted by parents. Being an experienced foster parent there were enough ideas to add to my tool kit for this book to be a relevant read. The author writes in an easy intelligent way. You feel a friend is talking to you over coffee rather than preaching to you through a book. The author's strong voice and enthusiasm for the children she adopted comes through loud and clear. In addition to this the book is well referenced and I now have an extensive list of other resources to look into.
The mixture of free flow writing, author knowledge and intelligent techniques makes this one of the best book about this subject I have read to date. A brilliant read for all parents no matter what your circumstances.
December 16, 2014
Informative guide to ins and outs of adoption, especially older children with severe emotional needs. A lot of it applied to parenting in general. I liked this one.
January 24, 2021
An honest insight into parenting traumatised children. I’m sure I will refer to it many times in our journey.
February 16, 2019
Very relaxed style of writing that’s easy to read and understand
Learned heap loads from reading this book. Love the little bits of humour in it too. I will be taking some of her tips and writing them down so i can refer back to them when needed. Good for friends and family to read too as not too intense, it’s lighthearted at times and easy to read
Learned heap loads from reading this book. Love the little bits of humour in it too. I will be taking some of her tips and writing them down so i can refer back to them when needed. Good for friends and family to read too as not too intense, it’s lighthearted at times and easy to read
May 14, 2017
Fantastic insight. So informative. Will read again, and probably...again!
January 14, 2018
Good read, but depending on where you live in the world, affects the outcomes.
Brave book
Brave book
June 16, 2024
I spent the first 40 pages of this book crying. I’m two years into parenting a child from foster care and this book made me feel seen.
August 8, 2024
A helpful and practical book full of strategies for therapeutic parenting.
July 17, 2025
A practical and kind guide to adoption and therapeutic parenting.
June 15, 2020
Practical for parenting an adopted child.
A useful resource that can be dipped into, with a lot of practical information and tips for parenting adopted child, particularly one that has been through trauma and sibling groups.
If you enjoyed 'no matter what' then some of it overlaps but it is mostly it's own book. I had found myself asking 'how did you resolve that?' in her first book but this book answered most, if not all of those questions.
A useful resource that can be dipped into, with a lot of practical information and tips for parenting adopted child, particularly one that has been through trauma and sibling groups.
If you enjoyed 'no matter what' then some of it overlaps but it is mostly it's own book. I had found myself asking 'how did you resolve that?' in her first book but this book answered most, if not all of those questions.
September 23, 2019
A wonderful book full of honesty, hope and practical advice.
September 8, 2015
A MUST READ! Practical advice from the trenches. Written in an easy to read, understanding and compassionate way that encourages you to keep going! Many examples work for children moving from the foster world yet all the advice is spot-on! Great help for foster parents as well as adoptive parents. Enjoy! NetGalley and Jessica Kingsley Publishers provided an advanced review copy of this book in exchange for an honest review!
May 11, 2016
A quick but important read. I love Sally's writing style and in general just her approach to life and therapeutic parenting. I love that she admits she doesn't always get it right, but she explains without over explaining the WHY behind these techniques. Love love love. Will be incorporating these into my Trauma Parenting Cheat Sheets! :)
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews