Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide

by Rebecca Eanes, Laura Markham (Foreword)

"This is a must-read for every family that yearns to create peace and harmony.”
--Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D., New York Times bestselling author of The Conscious Parent

Tired of yelling and nagging? True family connection is possible--and this essential guide shows us how.

Popular parenting blogger Rebecca Eanes believes that parenting advice should be about more than just getting kids to behave. Struggling to maintain a meaningful connection with her two little ones and frustrated by the lack of emotionally aware books for parents, she began to share her own insights with readers online. Her following has grown into a thriving community--hundreds of thousands strong. 

In this eagerly anticipated guide, Eanes shares her hard-won wisdom for overcoming limiting thought patterns and recognizing emotional triggers, as well as advice for connecting with kids at each stage, from infancy to adolescence. This heartfelt, insightful advice comes not from an "expert," but from a learning, evolving parent. Filled with practical, solution-oriented advice, this is an empowering guide for any parent who longs to end the yelling, power struggles, and downward spiral of acting out, punishment, resentment, and shame--and instead foster an emotional connection that helps kids learn self-discipline, feel confident, and create lasting, loving bonds. 

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Family, Audiobook, Self Help, Childrens, Adult

208 pages, Paperback

First published June 7, 2016

About the author

Author of The Gift of a Happy Mother, Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide, The Positive Parenting Workbook, and The Newbie’s Guide to Positive Parenting. Contributing editor at Creative Child Magazine.

Reviews

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wanted to love this book. It has some great stuff, some unrealistic stuff, and a lot of basic information on positive parenting. It doesn't really account for differently wired kids and asynchronous development. It also glosses over how truly challenging it is to embrace and put into practice this type of parenting. The overly-simplified, "this is a magical cure all for every parenting challenge ever," sunshine and rainbows feeling was off-putting to me.

[Giuliano · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't often give 6-star reviews, but this book deserves one for sure! Despite not agreeing with the author on every single point she makes, I felt energised, empowered, enlightened even by reading this book. This isn't your usual 'self help' book which promises to turn your life around in 5 simple steps. This book gives us access to a mindset, an attitude, which we can employ to help us improve our relationship with our little ones, in the short and long term. Interestingly, the first half of the book is dedicated to parents and gives many useful solutions to working on our response and our feelings before we even engage with our children. I am slightly embarassed but also very happy to report that since I started working ON MYSELF (rather than on my toddler) I've been feeling a lot better and I've been able to drastically reduce the amount of tantrums my wee boy was having every single day. I truly feel he now feels his needs are being met and I no longer feel he is out to make my life miserable!!! My wife has agreed to read this book next and I can't wait for us to implement some of those solutions together.

[Cathy Q de V · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has me full of mixed feelings. On one level, I do think there is a lot of truth here. Disciplining yourself before you discipline your children is huge. The exercises for self reflection are pretty good and have brought up a lot of pain and unresolved feelings about my childhood.

I'm still hesitant on one level because I feel like the anthropology is a bit at odds with the Catholic concept of concupiscence. This book seems to posit a view of human nature that is altogether positive and any misbehavior is merely communicating a need. It's not to say that malice should always be ascribed to underdeveloped brains, however it is challenging for me to reconcile this with the Catholic understanding of human nature (it also doesn't help that I held a Calvinist "total depravity" worldview a few years ago).

I also think it presents an overly feminine parenting style which condemns competition and overvalues emotions. I believe that emotional regulation is a tool for everyone but I think it lacks the masculine point of view that values proper rough and tumble play and healthy competition that motivates boys (which is distinct from unhealthy sibling rivalry). I think this lack of masculine insight to balance the positive parenting could be at the root of so much marital conflict I see bubble up all the time. Very frequently the mother, with good intentions, can end up sabotaging her marriage when trying to implement this way of parenting. Gentle parenting Facebook groups are full of examples of just this. Of course the father may have a lot to learn from positive parenting and discussing the agreements and disagreements is both entertaining and necessary. But I think actually listening to the father's concerns is vital to avoid the equal danger of the overbearing mother.

I think it's lovely to see the change from the stoic, unattached parenting styles of the past favoring a more respectful and instinctual parenting; however, more than anything it highlights the root problem: the isolation of the nuclear family and the two income household. This makes it almost impossible to avoid sleep training, an overwhelmed mom and a child tossed between childcare and overworked parents.

I have found these tips to be useful overall for all relationships. Avoiding criticism, focusing on the positive, using breathing techniques to calm down are excellent tips. The encouragement to help out the community, have family rituals and having a family mission statement is very inspiring. Ultimately I do wish that some of the techniques used in this book was used in my upbringing. I've always been a very sensitive person and growing up has shown me how much of my behavior was motivated by fear (fear of the silent treatment, fear of physical punishment etc.)
Having my own kids has highlighted just how emotionally immature I really am and have been and I wish I had been given the tools shown here.
I also think my parents did the best they could in their circumstances and now as a parent I see just how difficult it really is, especially when you yourself don't know how to regulate your own emotions.

I do think it is in our hands to raise the next generation of emotionally intelligent children and instead of handing down unhealthy coping mechanisms, and trauma, we must break these generational curses. We are all just trying to figure out how to do just that while also holding onto our sanity in the chaos of daily life.

[Tina-Louise Wallace · Rating 5 out of 5]

I literally have a row of parenting books!! This is my favorite so far, it's an easy read and it keeps you wanting to read more. The author is great, she's a real mom who has done the research for us!! I am pregnant with my 2nd and my first is 3 years old. I actually let each chapter sink in and do the following work to better myself as a parent and in general. I recommend this book to all parents, parents to be and even grandparents and caretakers to understand the philosophy better!!

5 plus stars!!!

[Kayleigh · Rating 5 out of 5]

NEED TO BUY

[Valentine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tons and tons of gems in this book. It's given me a new perspective on how I parent my kids.

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hoopla audio. Part of my critique of this is that the author has no background what so ever, other than being a parent. She does quote professionals, with actual degrees, but she is just a parent who happens to be a blogger with a social media presence. There is some truth to what she says, but like with every parenting book, everything with a grain of salt. I liked what she said at the beginning about how a generation was raised with spanking but now there is data that shows that was damaging and elaborates on how and why. I did have to sit with some of my own emotions digesting how I was raised and knowing I wanted better for my kids. I do wish I had read this book about 8 years ago, just to have some other strategies while raising young kids. I think we all love our kids and just want them to be good, kind citizens.

[Bassel · Rating 4 out of 5]

نصائح لتربية الأبناء وتصحيح مفاهيم وأساليب خاطئة بها وهي مرتكزة على محورين الأول لتصحيح سلوك الأهل الذي يؤثر بطريقة غير مباشرة على سلوك الأبناء والمحور الثاني يرتكز على المعاملة بين الأهل وأبنائهم ويطلق عليها الكاتب "المعاملة الايجابية " التي تؤتي نتائج أفضل من عدة أساليب خاطئة قد يقع فيها الأهل دون علمهم

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

I came away from this one feeling energized to continue working on my role as a mother. Specifically to work on my thought patterns: keeping them positive and true. Dealing with the many challenges of parenting a toddler often leads me to negative thoughts. For example: “This is crazy. It’s way too hard! Etc” But, of course, these negative thoughts spill out in my words and actions. (This is Biblical: “Out of the overflow of the heart...”) So, “Positive Parenting” really does start with my own heart.

That said, I did not agree with a few concepts in this book. The main one being a sense that children are inherently “good.” The author often wrote about how our perception of children affects how we treat them...and we need to remember / perceive their good nature. Of course, since children are people, and all people are sinful, I disagree with the notion of inherent goodness. There are, indeed, many times when my children will defy and disobey simply because they are sinful. I believe a parent’s role is to help our children recognize their own sin and need for a Savior. To point their hearts (& our own, always) toward Christ.

There were some helpful suggestions for problem solving with older children. Her “solution-oriented discipline” is something we can implement alongside our existing protocol, as well.

3 stars for a good read and practical tips.

[R. · Rating 2 out of 5]

Nothing ground breaking here for me, but it wasn't bad. I can't say that I would recommend it simply because there was nothing really revolutionary about it. Many of the principles and other things that the writer advocates for are the same types of things good managers and leaders practice in a variety of industries. Things like asking open ended questions and being encouraging and motivating rather than demanding and authoritarian.

[Marie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I bought this book many years ago and I wish
I had read it when my kids were younger. I thought it had a lot of good ideas in it and I liked the questions and examples in it. I usually get rid of books after I read them but may have to keep this one around to read again.

Extreme book nerd challenge 23 category: a book you own but have never read

[Nuzu Nuzu · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a really great book for new moms. The way author has explained each everything is remarkable. In this book you will read about how to discipline your child and also how to maintain your marriage after having a baby.
I will highly recommend this book for all the moms out there.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is incredible. Why didn't I think of these methods before? I intend on utilizing the tools in this book to work on positive parenting for my kids. These methods and tools are geared towards making our kids feel seen, heard, loved and empathized with. I can't wait to try to use the wisdom in this book for my own family.

[Whitney Henrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this and highlighted whole pages of it. I loved that it gave practical tips while mostly focusing on behaviors and tips for the one person I actually can control...me.

[Leah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some really good points to try to remember in the midst of this fun thing called parenting.

[Kristin A. Kirby · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the parenting book I’ve been looking for! I only wish I found it sooner. It affirmed all of my natural instincts that I’ve been ignoring in order to “act like a parent should”. It gives useful methods for putting positive parenting in place and dispels misconceptions that being nurturing and loving means you have to be permissive too. I like how he author pulls together key research findings from top neuroscientists and psychologists to present a holistic approach to positive parenting.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Listened on audio. So many great takeaways and questions for discussion. Would love to purchase for another read in the future

[Jaclyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really liked this one.

[Katarzyna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn't agree with everything and there were some repetitions but, on the whole, a very good read :)

[A.B. · Rating 3 out of 5]

Okay book

This book was okay. It didn't get to the parenting part until the last quarter of the book. The rest was more about retraining yourself and your partner. While that is very important to the process, I think that should have been a separate book, or at least titled as such.

[Scott · Rating 5 out of 5]

The ideas in this book really helped me understand how I act effects how my children behave. The time in instead of time out was a real eye opener.

[Elisabeth Simard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Un livre intelligent, utile, remplis d'outils et de questionnements essentiels pour cheminer en tant que parent et être humain. Pour ramener la RELATION HUMAINE, l'empathie, l'échange entre nos enfants et nous. Clair, pertinent, rapide à lire sans couper les coins ronds.

[Meg · Rating 3 out of 5]

Three stars for the information/advice, two stars for the presentation (a little too rainbows and puppies for me).

[Palmyra · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best thing I got out of this is how instead of working so hard to help my children not to throw tantrums, I need to work on my tantrums. They will see how I react to things and how I solve them. But if I can’t learn to control my anger issues, how am I going to tell them to do it?

Many people including myself sometimes think kids do things to push your buttons. But most likely, they really do need something and they need your help figuring it out.

Praise the process, not the results.
Listen to them without judgements.
When trust is broken, as the adult, seek to mend it.
Don’t embarrass them, especially in front of their peers.
Speak kindly about them to others, especially if they are listening.
Don’t confuse unconditional love with love without boundaries.

[M · Rating 3 out of 5]

A 3-star read that I think would earn 2 stars if I knew more about the subject of parenting. This was the first book I have ever read on parenting, and I am glad that it was, because the content in this book is not anything revolutionary.

If you choose to read this book, then I suggest keeping the four points in mind:

1) This is a recount of all the things the author has read. The author cherry picks from her reading on parenting and tries to fit it into her “created” positive parenting paradigm.
2) Expect repetition. I think she is doing it as author’s style, but it really irked me as a reader, because I felt like this book lacked in substance in general. There is no need to repeat fundamental concepts or ideas that are not complex.
3) Check this book out from the library so you don’t need to use money to buy it. You will likely not need to revisit it, because I suspect that other parenting books go into more depth on similar ideas.
4) Although the author admits it in her introduction, this book is mostly not supported with evidence or scholarship on parenting. I found this confusing because the author does cite other more scientific authors in her book, and she has built a positive parenting community, yet she admits that she is not licensed to offer advice. I feel like this is a dangerous line that was straddled in this book and it had me question the author’s motives. Why communicate that you are not credible to offer advice, yet make claims about your Facebook page being epic, and also cite other scientists in your book? Why not just write a personal opinion book and leave it at that? Be careful of joining a community that is not evidentiary based and just on a single person’s opinion that chooses to select snippets from other authors. A dangerous line that I did not enjoy reading from in this book.

Thus stated, there are some moments of shine in this book that may be helpful:

I enjoyed that the author chose to dedicate a lot of the book to developing a positive, proactive relationship with your spouse. I also found it eye opening to learn how important having yourself in order first is important. Though the strategies suggested here are obvious (take deep breaths, tell yourself it is going to be ok, kill negative thoughts), it was refreshing to read these sections and then see somewhat of a connection to parenting children. Overall, some of the ideas in this book are helpful and can be applied right away. Some strategies are explained and detailed, whereas others are left up for interpretation. A few strategies can be applied. Mostly, though, you are better off skipping this one all together, or giving it a skim if you really want to glean information from it for multiple reasons.

Now onto where I take issue with this book: there are many sections in this book where the author will say “Dr.... has done fantastic work on this concept and I suggest you go watch their YouTube video, or read their book titled here to learn more about this idea.” Not only does this make the book seem unfinished to me, this approach also creates disunity in the strength in the author’s points. Telling me to go read another book is not a great writing strategy; that is why there is a reference section. I should not need to refer to another book to understand the full idea. In general, this book really lacks in meat. And I think part of that issue stems from how the author chose to deliver her message by only partially citing authors, or choosing to tell us to go and read up more on certain authors.

What is even more shocking to me is that this book is titled “Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide,” but what is essential about this book? I didn’t leave this, thinking, wow, I just got an essential guide to parenting. I left this book thinking—wow, I just read a summary of parenting literature tied in with personal opinion. A better title for this book would be: “My Summary of the Reading I did on Parenting.”
Secondly, there is a lot of repetition in this book. For example, the author will use transitional words such as “I am going to reiterate this because it is important” or “again, …..” . Repeating ideas is usually not a wise writer’s technique unless something complex is being discussed. It is ok to repeat basic ideas for importance, but the author in this book overuses this technique and it makes me super frustrated.

If you must read this book, then I suggest a skim on the chapters about regulating your emotions (chapter 1-3). Some of the partner discussion questions are useful, but most are super structured and not applicable unless you plan to hang a family mission statement on your wall and have a “peace table” for your older kiddos. Second, skip all the way to chapter 10, and then listen in on her suggestions here. This is likely the most useful and practical part of this book. It also contains very few repeated phrases.

Some good ideas with some strategies that could be implemented into a parenting. Loss of one star for writing techniques (repetition). Another star down for the author’s choice to suggest we do further reading in order to get to the substance of her summarization. Debating on whether another star should be removed for the straddling point I made above, but I recognize that I am biased and that this may have stemmed from my personal interpretation and frustration from this book.

Overall, I was not pleased with this book and I feel generous awarding it 3 stars

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

Easy to read with some core concepts of communicating and relating that apply beyond parenting. Less prescriptive than some parenting books. Like most concepts around relationships much easier to write or read about than to put into practice but definitely worth the effort. Many concepts I am already working on and some great reminders of things that I have wanted to do and fallen away from. I would definitely recommend it to other parents.

[Elizabeth Stock · Rating 4 out of 5]

Positive self thoughts
Discipline yourself
Know your own triggers
Time in instead of time out
Ask once and then take action
Be respectful
Let them fix their own mistakes
Good relationship with your significant other
Understand their brain development
Allow them to be human and have bad days
Calm down area
Teach emotional intelligence

[Wendy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent. One of the best books I've read that deals with parenting in a really long time. I highly recommend it to all parents or anyone who intends to become a parent one day. You will learn invaluable skills to make your family successful and happy.

[Amy Griffin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not much new here, but a good reminder or intro to positive parenting. No parenting book fits every situation and child, but no one was ever harmed by being reminded that we can't love our kids too much.

[Norah Al Kasabi · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a collection of all great parenting books. I didn’t learn anything new but I liked how the book summarized the topics. It has interesting questions and activities for both partners to each other and as parents with our kids.