Ending the Parent-Teen Control Battle: Resolve the Power Struggle and Build Trust, Responsibility, and Respect

by Neil D. Brown, Donald T. Saposnek (Foreword)

"Full of practical expectations ... Warmly ­recommended."
— Library Journal starred review

Power struggles between parents and teens are nothing new, but chronic control battles are destructive to teen development as well as the entire family. According to psychotherapist Neil Brown, these battles occur as the result of self-perpetuating negative relationship patterns. Chock-full of powerful and easy-to-use evidence-based tools, this book will help you understand and end the painful tug-of-war with your teen and foster a peaceful and loving home environment.

In virtually all families, there are moments when teens are unhappy with parental limits, rules, and requests—as well as times when those kids are disobedient or noncompliant, or get caught up in the moment and make bad decisions. But the parent-teen control battle goes beyond this; it’s a chronic relationship pattern that uses up the family’s emotional resources and can seriously impact child identity, self-esteem, and development, resulting in destructive behavior and causing stress for everyone around. This book offers a thorough understanding of the control battle and a clear prescription to end it.

With Ending the Parent-Teen Control Battle , you’ll learn about the three elements that support this chronic conflict—reactivity, negative emotional tone, and being “other-person focused”—and discover the two key changes that can be made to address the underlying issues, allowing you to move toward a more positive way of seeing your teen while creating vital behavioral change. Using tools based in structural family therapy (SFT), which targets the core relationship pattern driving the control battle, you’ll be able to address specific issues and create a healthier pattern.

If you’re tired of the constant battle for control and you’re ready to cultivate a more loving, peaceful, and supportive environment for the whole family, this book has the skills and understanding you need to be successful, no matter what you and your teen face.

Genres: Parenting, Self Help, Nonfiction

200 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 2016

Reviews

[Robin Holland · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read a number of parenting books over the years, and would have appreciated having this book when my kids were younger. It's less a theoretical book and more a down-to-earth practical book I can feel comfortable recommending to others. I definitely brought my concepts about "how it should be" in parenting in our family, and when things were challenging I often fell into the trap of thinking it was about them or about me. This book gives the freedom to not live in the blame game and instead everyone, parents and kids alike, gets to grow and flourish. What I appreciate the most in the book is the steps it gives to creating a better kind of conversation.

[Aisling · Rating 4 out of 5]

An extremely sensible, easy to read approach to raising teens with less stress. The author writes plainly, gives relateable examples and makes a difficult topic seem manageable. I like that the author does not seem to push counseling but always reminds the reader that it can be helpful in some situations. I would highly recommend this book to every parent.

[Brittany Vargas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Giving it 5 because I feel like most people could benefit from this read when it comes to parenting in general, not just teens. It was also easy to get through which isn’t said often about non-fiction/self help. I felt that I had already grasped most of these concepts through therapy but it could really help people who haven’t yet sought improvement in these areas.

The main idea here is to not “feed the beast.” Most of the time we are trying to maintain the routines we once had with our children but they are becoming individuals now so we just create a control battle. I think what people could benefit the most from is understanding that being reactive is projecting your own anxieties on to your kids. Maintaining emotional regulation and a clear mind with consistency is key. Easier said than done but with practice will improve.

Definitely would recommend this book to anyone struggling through the teen years. We only parent a version of what we learned growing up and it is a skill that needs built upon. You will never grow this skill without getting outside of the box. Allowing yourself to be challenged in this way can be some of the most rewarding growth you ever experience.

[Lyssa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not sure the distinction between earning privileges and being punished with consequences / losing those privileges will ultimately make a difference; you can start with a baseline of "you must earn these privileges," but if things happen that you have to take them away so they can be re-earned, it looks like the same thing to me.

Additionally, the scenarios were kind of cliched and not really the things I've seen / dealt with.

Not necessarily a bad read, just not really useful to me.

[Ta Dat · Rating 3 out of 5]

​Khác với các cuốn sách về "thao túng" tiêu cực khác, tác phẩm này tập trung vào việc nhận diện "vòng lặp kiểm soát" độc hại và cách phá vỡ nó để xây dựng lại niềm tin.

Tác giả sử dụng phương pháp Trị liệu Gia đình Hệ thống (SFT) để giúp cha mẹ ngừng tập trung vào việc "sửa chữa" con cái và bắt đầu thay đổi cách phản ứng của chính mình. Cuốn sách giúp cha mẹ chuyển từ trạng thái "kiểm soát hành vi" sang trạng thái "trao quyền tự chịu trách nhiệm" cho trẻ.

Cuốn này mình cho 3 sao vì dịch quán quá chán.

[Edmond · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think the best advice is the obvious one that one can't change another person, but reflect on their own actions and this is true of dealing with a teenager, some good advice at times a bit generic.

[Susy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really need this. I've tried the ideas here, but I have to keep re-reading it to reinforce it in my brain.

[Jan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wise, Compassionate, Mindful ideas. Thank you for this.................great easy read that makes sense!

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book - I joke about it being prescribed by my doctor because she strongly recommended it and it helped her with her family.

[Debbie Massry · Rating 4 out of 5]

Clear and simple. Good advice

[Suzanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Originally borrowed from the library; ended up buying my own copy.

[Monique · Rating 4 out of 5]

A practical guide to reducing the control battle with your teen in your home. The suggestions seem do-able and seem like things you can begin putting into practice fairly quickly.

[Brenda Brown]

I really liked this and I appreciated the analogies given.

[Susana Herrera · Rating 5 out of 5]

Neil Brown, where have you and your brilliant book been all my (parenting) life?! I’ve read countless parenting books out there with little success in the application of the new knowledge, and in a matter of a week, I’ve discovered that this book is THE ONE! (The one book to rule them all!) This short and sweet operating instructions for parents is the book you’ll need for communicating with your children at any age. Like a driver’s license test for operating a car on the road, this book should be required reading for operating a family on the long and winding road of life. Neil Brown’s metaphor of feeding the beast and starving the beast in order to describe the control battle that begins as soon as your child learns the word “no” is simply genius for parents. Although the book specifies in its title that it’s for ending the control battle with teens, it has simple and easy to read operating instructions for parents of toddlers and preteens as well. Actually, if you start off parenting young children with understanding the three key nutrients that feed the beast, you will have more insightful communication, greater emotional health and more positive interactions within the family. I’ve seen it change our lives in less than a week!

What made this a game changer in our family was understanding how parents are responsible for creating the beast in the first place. With much self-reflection during the reading of the anecdotes of various family situations that Neil Brown provides, I was able to quickly see how I needed to change my reactivity and negative tone that had been feeding the beast and making it grow on a regular basis. By simply changing three key elements of my behavior, I have seen my preteen and six year old respond dramatically to our new diet to starve the beast. In the complex world our children are navigating today, it’s so easy to blame the environment, social media, video games or even the kid for the control battle. This book does such a fantastic job of gently reminding parents of their positive impact on the child and how to harness that power for the greater good. Neil Brown provides practical applications of a new way of parenting by giving several examples of the old control battle language and then how to replace it with the new language so that both the parent and the child remain steadfast to the positive vision that you can co-create together. This book instructs parents how to hold the high watch for their child’s well being by learning how to depersonalize behavior, validate the child’s feelings and to set a course to guide our children to make the right choice for themselves. This book puts the power to be the very best parent you can be back in your hands so that you realize you are in the driver’s seat of the family car. Where is it that you really want to go? A destination of love, peace, and connection is where every healthy parent longs to go and here’s the map of how to get there.

[Chloe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Cuốn sách có nhiều ví dụ thực tế. Ở đâu đó t cảm thấy khá đồng cảm và liên hệ với chính mình thông qua những ví dụ này (với tư cách là người con). Quá khứ k thể thay đổi và hàn gắn nhưng t hi vọng một ngày nào đó có thể vận dụng những điều đã tìm hiểu đc thông qua cuốn này.

Sách phù hợp cho bất kỳ ông bố bà mẹ nào. Bởi lẽ việc nuôi dạy con là một điều khó và đứa trẻ nào trong độ tuổi thiếu niên không ít thì nhiều cũng nảy sinh vài vấn đề khiến cha mẹ khó xử

[Denise · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was fortunate to win a free copy of this book sponsored by New Harbinger Publications. This is a book which should be read early and often; do not wait until your child is a teenager. The author is knowledgeable about the subject matter but has a tendency to over explain. The early chapters appear to be targeted towards professionals rather than parents. Stick with it as it improves. Case studies and role playing provide concrete examples for the readers. I plan to share my copy.

[Rebekah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book! Very balanced, not super strict or too much freedom. Not religious based so widely applicable and can reach a broad audience. So helpful and great advice! What, why and how of parenting teenagers.

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I won this book through Goodreads. Very helpful and easy to read. A lot of good ideas to use in these stressful times.